'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s04e04 Episode Script

Things are looking up.
A slip of the tongue by the Colonel revealed to me that the Germans are soon to invade England.
Churchill will, of course, chuck in the sponge.
The war will be over in a few weeks and life will return to normal at Café René.
The two stupid British airmen that I am 'iding, of course, have no idea.
Hello! The Germans will invade soon and the British will surrender.
- Jolly good show! - Bang on! They have no idea what I am talking about.
Still, as I said, things are looking up.
René! What do you think? Are you taking up beekeeping? I am choosing a veil for the wedding.
What wedding? Our wedding! You to me! Oh, Edith, do we have to go through with this ridiculous charade? Of course! Everyone saw the Germans execute you.
They believe you are your own twin brother.
You are living with me and tongues are wagging.
Let them wag.
Have you no feeling for my reputation? Anyway, it is all arranged.
On the morning of the 14th, the church bells will ring out.
The neighbours will line the streets.
They will throng to the service.
The organ will play.
You will be waiting at the altar in a top 'at and morning suit.
I will glide down the aisle and smile up at you, wearing this.
What do you think of it? Can you not get a thicker one? Zigeuner, Zigeuner I forgot my key.
How dare you employ Gestapo dynamite for improper purposes? I am sorry, Herr Flick.
You have a visitor.
- You sent for me, Herr Flick? - Yes, Helga.
Take off your uniform.
Yes, Herr Flick.
Vill zere be anything else, Herr Flick? Not vile you are looking.
Go avay.
Herr Flick, I am obeying your command, knowing not what is in store for me.
All will be revealed in a moment.
Of this I have very little doubt.
Ze Gestapo suspects that the Colonel and General von Klinkerhoffen may be involved in a plot to assassinate Hitler.
I am sure this is not so.
- Continue to undress.
- Yes, Herr Flick.
We cannot take any chances.
Give me your uniform.
- Sit in ze chair.
- Yes, Herr Flick.
A listening device will be placed in ze office of the Colonel by a Gestapo agent disguised as a temporary typist.
But the Colonel does not need a temporary typist.
He will when you do not turn up for a week.
Herr Flick! To what are you up? I was intending to lock you in here.
Now I have no door, we must make other arrangements.
Exciting as this may seem, Herr Flick, you are my fiancé.
Why are you doing this to me? Because I do not wish you to reveal ze identity of the Gestapo agent.
Who is the Gestapo agent? Me.
'Urry, and put the flowers on the table.
We will soon be open.
And I 'ope you will change your apron before we are open.
There is more food on it than there is on the menu.
René, I will wash it for you.
I will use the last of my soap ration.
Then I will press it against my 'ot body as I sleep tonight, dreaming of you.
Would you wash my socks as well? Is ze coast clear? Gather round.
There is very little time.
I shall say this only once.
Before you start, that new radio is useless.
Yes.
All we can hear on it is "kkkksssskkkss"! Zat is because the Gestapo are jamming it.
I 'ave come to tell you that we must have a longer aerial.
But we do not possess a longer aerial.
If you listen, I will tell you.
Once.
A kite is being constructed that will take the wire to the required height.
Mimi, you will collect this kite from ze convent.
To avoid suspicion, you will be disguised as a small nun.
She could hardly be disguised as a big one.
Why cannot I go? I can disguise myself as a nun just as well as her.
You are known to all the village as a woman of the streets.
Lots of women of ze streets become nuns.
Not overnight.
No, Yvette, it takes weeks of practice.
René, you will fly the kite and inform London the radio is working.
Will that not be obvious? You will also inform them that we require plastic explosives to break into the German general's safe in the chateau to obtain the details of the plan to invade England.
Could you not do some of this? Why is it that you always question my decisions? Could you do my job better? Could you run the Resistance, keeping everyone 'appy? Deciding who to shoot, what to blow up? - Making threatening calls? - I Do you know what my telephone bill is every month? - Michelle - Join the Communist Resistance! Get up their noses! Michelle, I have never seen you like this.
Oh, I am sorry.
Sometimes I wonder if it is all worthwhile.
Now look what you have done.
You have upset the Resistance.
And you have made her drop her bullets! Oh, look.
Do not put this one in your gun.
It is a lipstick.
All right.
I am sorry, Michelle.
We will do as you ask.
Look, you just go and disappear, like like a phantom.
Take her away, girls, please.
Good moaning.
Outside your coffee was this bunch of diffodills and dozes.
Pinned to them is a nit.
Pardon me if I love you, but I have my dirty to do.
Oh.
They are for you, Edith.
Who could be sending you flowers? Oh! They are from the Italian captain! "To Madame Edith, a beautiful laydee.
" And he has written me a little poem! "All-a night-a, I dream-a of your face "as I a-sleep-a in my room "I think I must-a be in love "My heart go boom-titty-boom-titty-boom" That is a terrible poem.
I will put them in water.
He is not the first Eyetie to have had the 'ots for me.
Ten years ago an ice-cream man gave her a free cornet.
René! We are alone! - Oh, Yvette! - Ohh, René! Ooh! Oh, my body is crying out for you.
Could you make it cry quietly? My wife is in the kitchen.
Put around me your strong arms.
Crush this yearning out of me.
Put your rough cheek against my cheek.
Run your rough hands through my hair.
Put your rough lips against my lips.
Oh, René.
I would do anything for you.
Well, next time you go to the chemist, could you get me a pot of skin cream? Oh, René.
Monsieur! What is this I see before me? The fiancé of the woman I love locked in the arms of another.
Th-there is an explanation To think I have suppressed my desire for that honourable lady out of respect for your bravery and honour.
And all the time, you are doing a number behind her back.
We were not kissing, we were 'olding each other.
I do not wish to know what you were 'olding.
- Where is the woman I adore? - She is in ze kitchen.
Gutting fish.
Very well, monsieur.
I will go to 'er.
But from now on, monsieur, the gloves are off.
And I will press my suit.
- I intend telling her everything I've seen.
- Oh, but, M Alfonse, a Frenchman does not tell on another Frenchman.
This is true.
But I have Belgian blood on my mother's side.
Ah, Gruber.
Thank you for coming.
- Where is Helga? - I wish I knew.
She hasn't reported for duty.
I do not know why they have girls in ze army, they are most unreliable.
It's a man's job.
I quite agree.
Now, Gruber, you have got to help me.
We must get rid of this terrible Italian.
He does nothing but hang around my office and get in my hair.
It's vorse than that, Colonel.
He is sharing my billet.
It's difficult to make ze copies of ze paintings which we intend to sell.
He's got to go.
I vonder if René could get the Resistance to blow him up.
That does seem a little drastic, Colonel.
Well, almost blow him up, enough to make him a nervous wreck so he can be sent home.
He's very boring, always talking about his conquests with women.
It's bad enough to be an Italian but to be a boring Italian is unforgivable.
Colonelo! My friend! Ahhh! Mwah! Mwah! Gruberto! Ooh.
You too are my friend, eh? I bring-a the pipers.
All over, we win-a the war! You don't vin-a the var, ve vin-a the var! Well, you Germans, you like-a the war.
We Italians, we don't want no trouble.
We make-a the pasta, we make-a the love, and we sing.
One night of love! Silence! I will not have singing in my office.
One wonders, Captain Bertorelli, why you joined the army anyway.
It's-a the uniform.
It drive-a the laydees mad.
My name is Irma von Kinkenrotten, your temporary stenographer.
- Where is Helga? - She was unexpectedly detained.
As one of her most intimate female girlfriends she has asked me to stand in for her.
To demonstrate how excited I am at zis opportunity to be of service to you and the fatherland, I have brought you zese flowers.
Ooh! If you do that again you will be shot.
What a mistake-a to make-a.
Thank you, Private Kinkenrotten, that will be all.
That will not be all! The General orders you to report to the chateau.
- At what time? - At once, at ze double! We mustn't keep the General waiting.
I'll give you a lift in my little tank.
It's quite speedy if you give it a bit of schtick.
- Is there-a room-a for me? - If you sit on my knee.
I take-a the bus.
What are you doing in my clobber and how did you get here? Removing my shoe, I succeeded in grasping a hairpin with my toes.
Placing it between my teeth, I managed to viggle open the lock on the steel band restraining my wrist.
After that, it was quite simple.
You clearly have many talents formerly unknown to me.
Take these headphones and pass them through the window.
And stop doing that silly limp.
What are you doing, Herr Flick? Come here and I will show you.
In this vase is a powerful Gestapo microphone.
It can be activated from a distance in this fashion.
Through this almost invisible microphone the most intimate conversations can be heard.
I find the ingenuity of the Gestapo most exciting.
- You may kiss me.
- I overheard that quite distinctly.
Go and hide under a bush! How would you like to hug and squeeze? How would you like to daddy me on your knees? How would you like to be my lovey-dovey? How would you like to spoon with me-e-e-e-e? Ohh, magnifico! He likes it! He likes it! Don't encourage her! She'll sing again.
She's a beautiful laydee.
Also, she is owner of café.
After all the war is over, is a nice business for Alberto.
Bravo! More, more, more! I thought we Germans were the ruthless ones.
Now I would like to sing for you a little I am sorry, my wife cannot sing for you again, Captain.
But René, the Captain likes my singing.
Yes, but Edith, we have to light the candles in the church.
It is our special saint's day.
Have you forgotten, Edith, or are you as 'igh as a kite? What saint's day is this? It is the patron saint of all the innkeepers.
That is right, yes, er Saint Inebriata.
Go on, Edith, go and get ready.
Psst! Listen - we have to leave now to contact London.
You know what to do? I was running a bar when ze Kaiser was in shorts.
Now, somebody wants a large gin.
Who? Me.
René, more drinks, table three.
Erm, oh.
Two Cognacs.
Two Cognacs! - One house wine.
- One house wine! René, look! A very small nun.
One small nun! Ah! Er, holy sister of mercy, erm How unusual to see one of your calling coming in through the front door.
No doubt you are 'ere to remind me about the candle lighting.
Go into the kitchen, Sister, and help yourself to some gruel.
And stay in there or you'll get us all shot.
Right, now, all we need are the batteries for the wireless.
They are in the kitchen.
Are you ready? Edith, I am scared.
What if we get caught? René, where is your manhood? Do not start all that again.
General von Klinkerhoffen! Heil Hitler! You may be seated.
Not you.
It seems you spend more time in here carousing than you do in prosecuting the war.
This will not be tolerated.
Generalo, my friend.
It's-a lunch time.
We eat-a, we sing-a, we chat up-a the girls.
Then after we have-a the lunch, we make-a the war.
I am under the impression, Captain, that you could not fight your way out of a wet paper bag.
You will all accompany me on my tour of inspection of the area.
March! Here, Colonel, how does he say about the paper bag? How does he think I win all these medals? You shut-a your cakehole.
Oh, these batteries are 'eavy as lead.
That is because they are lead.
The radio is no lightweight either.
Nor is this picnic.
I would gladly 'elp you but I 'ave a lot of back trouble.
Also you 'ave a lot of front trouble.
- How much further? - This will be a nice place for a picnic.
We are not having a picnic, we are contacting London.
Now, where is Crabtree? Good moaning.
Where is the coat? - He means kite.
- It is under my skirt.
Gentlemen, avert your eyes.
I 'ope she did not thonk we were looking at a nun's knockers.
Help me to assemble the kite.
That area will be occupied by one regiment of artillery.
What a pretty field.
In a few months' time, there will 2,000 men camping here.
Make a note of that, Gruber.
I already have.
It is very large.
The aerial has to be very high to get above ze jamming.
Ze wire is connected.
There is a strong wind from the wost.
It is best that we hide in the bushes with the radio whilst you get the kite in the air.
Here is the wire.
I have the microphone and the earphones in here with the tomatoes and the cucumbers.
Michelle is mad.
The Germans will see a thing of that size.
At 500 feet it will be just like a little dot.
Yvette and I will hold the coat in the ear.
On the word go, we will lunch it.
What do I do? 'Ere, take ze wire and run into ze wind as fast as you can.
And good lick.
- Are you ready? - Get it up! Get it up! Stand by! One, two, throo, go! Faster! Faster! - I am going as fast as I can! - Faster! Oh, well done, René! Let out ze line! Already I am hearing the crackling.
'Allo, London.
'Allo, London.
This is Nighthawk calling London.
The wind, it is very strong up there.
It is slipping through my hands! Get it up higher! Get it up higher! It is burning my fingers, I cannot Ah! 'Allo? 'Allo, London.
'Allo, London.
This is Mrs Nighthawk calling London.
You have gone very faint.
God! We 'ave lost our new waitress.
And good staff are so difficult to find.
Quick! Follow that nin! That will be the assembly area for 250 tanks.
General, I know it's top secret but when will we get to know the date for the invasion? Unfortunately, Hitler depends more on the advice of his astrologers than his generals.
He claims to be waiting for a sign.
When that sign arrives, he will invade.
It is my opinion that we are not yet ready.
Would he regard a flying nun as a lucky omen? I should think he'd be off tomorrow.
Why do you ask? No reason at all.