'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s05e08 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
YOU FIND ME LYING HERE
LIKE A DERELICT OLD BUM
AND IT MIGHT BE
THAT YOU THINK
MY APPEARANCE
MYSTIFYING.
THE REASON
IS AS FOLLOWS:
I FELL OFF THE BACK
OF A LORRY.
OR, MORE ACCURATELY,
I WAS THROWN OFF THE BACK
OF A LORRY BY DENISE LAROQUE,
THE HEAD OF THE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE,
WHO IS MADLY
IN LOVE WITH ME.
BUT FOR THE INTERVENTION
OF MY WIFE EDITH
AND MY WAITRESSES,
SHE WOULD HAVE MARRIED ME.
SHE HAS NOW SWORN
TO HAVE HER REVENGE
UPON THESE INTERFERING FEMALES
BY KILLING THEM.
I WILL HAVE TO BREAK THE NEWS
TO THEM AND WARN THEM.
STOP!
I AM ACTING
ON THE ORDERS
OF HERR FLICK.
WERE THE PEOPLE
WHO THREW YOU OUT
OF THAT TRUCK
THE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE?
NO, NO,
THEY WERE WHOLESALE
VEGETABLE SELLERS.
WE FELL OUT
OVER THE PRICE
OF SPRING GREENS--
AT LEAST
I FELL OUT.
MAUVE ALONG.
YOU ARE CAUSING
AN OBSTRICTION.
PIDDLE YOUR RELIGIOUS
MASSAGES ELSEWHERE.
THE END OF THE WORLD
IS NIGH.
VENGEANCE IS MINE.
AND A LITTLE BIT
OF WHAT YOU FANCY
DOES YOU GOOD.
I HAVE
THE BRITISH EARMEN
IN A CILL
AT THE POLOCE STATION.
KEEP THEM THERE.
I CANNOT--
TO DETONE THEM
MORE THAN 24 HOURS
IS AGAINST THE LOO.
I WILL RETURN THEM
TO YOU
AS SOON AS PISSABLE.
YES, AND I SHALL
SEND THEM BACK TO YOU
AS SOON AS PISSABLE.
RENE, YOU ARE BACK!
THANK HEAVENS
YOU ARE SAFE.
WE SAW YOU TAKEN
ONTO THAT TRUCK,
AND I THOUGHT I WOULD
NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN.
I HAVE BAD NEWS.
THE LIVES OF THOSE NEAREST
AND DEAREST TO ME
ARE IN DANGER.
DO THEY KNOW
WHERE I LIVE?
NOT YOU--
EDITH AND THE GIRLS.
WHY ARE OUR LIVES
IN DANGER?
BECAUSE YOU ALL CONTRIVED
TO SCREW UP MY WEDDING
TO MADEMOISELLE LAROQUE.
SHE IS NOT PLEASED.
SHE HAS VOWED
TO KILL YOU ALL,
YOU FIRST.
RIGHT,
THAT IS IT.
THE SPANISH BORDER
CANNOT BE FAR AWAY.
IF I WALK ALL DAY
AND CRAWL ALL NIGHT
I SHOULD BE THERE
BY CHRISTMAS.
YOU WILL NEVER GET
TO THE END OF THE STREET.
THE COMMUNISTS HAVE
GUN PERSONS EVERYWHERE.
THEN I WILL
DISGUISE MYSELF.
I THINK IF THERE'S
TO BE ANY SHOOTING,
WE SHOULD GO.
MAY I SAY THAT
I AM MOST RELIEVED
THAT YOU NO LONGER
HAVE TO DISGUISE YOURSELF
AS A BENT OLD MAN?
I WAS JUST OLD.
THEN IT IS GOOD
THAT YOU ARE NOT IN DANGER.
WE ARE IN DANGER.
YES, BUT THERE IS
MUCH UNEMPLOYMENT--
WAITRESSES
CAN BE REPLACED;
RENE IS
ONE OF A KIND.
IS THIS
THE BEST PHOTOGRAPH
THAT YOU COULD GET?
WITH RESPECT,
HERR FLICK,
I COULD HARDLY ASK
THE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE TO POSE.
ALL YOU HAVE GOT
IS ONE COMMUNIST HAND.
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
THERE ARE 50 MILLION PEOPLE
IN FRANCE--
MOST OF THE THEM
HAVE TWO HANDS.
THAT MAKES
100 MILLION HANDS.
IDENTIFYING THIS ONE HAND
WILL BE QUITE A TASK.
IT WILL INDEED,
HERR FLICK.
GO TO IT.
IT WOULD APPEAR
FROM YOUR REPORT
RENE IS NO LONGER
IN DANGER.
THIS IS SO, COLONEL,
AND WE KNOW NOW
THE REAL PAINTINGS
ARE HIDDEN
IN THE HEADQUARTERS
OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.
BUT WHERE AND HOW
DO WE GET THEM?
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
HEIL HITLER!
- HEIL HITLER!
- HEIL HITLER!
A WOMAN
OF THE STREETS.
ARE YOU
INTERROGATING HER
OR JUST HAVING
A RATHER AMUSING TIME?
IT IS I, HELGA.
BY GOLLY,
SO IT IS.
ON THE ORDERS
OF THE COLONEL
AND IN THE GUISE OF
A WOMAN OF THE STREETS,
I HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING
A PEASANT
IN THE HOPES OF TRACING
THE MISSING PAINTINGS.
AND WERE YOU
SUCCESSFUL?
AS A WOMAN
OF THE STREETS, NO.
BUT WE HAVE A LEAD
TO THE WHEREABOUTS
OF THE PAINTINGS.
- WHERE ARE THEY?
- THEY'RE STILL IN FRANCE.
COULD YOU PERHAPS
BE A LITTLE MORE
SPECIFIC?
NOT AT THE MOMENT.
WE'RE WORKING ON IT.
GOOD. SIT.
I AM SORRY OUR DINNER
AT THE CHATEAU WAS INTERRUPTED--
WE MUST TRY AGAIN.
HOLD ONTO THAT OUTFIT--
WE CAN HAVE A PRIVATE
FANCY DRESS PARTY.
WHAT FUN.
WHAT WOULD BE
THE THEME?
TARTS AND VICARS.
MAY I GET CHANGED NOW?
YES, HELGA.
TAKE YOUR CLOTHES.
WHERE ARE
YOU GOING?
TO MY OFFICE
TO CHANGE.
THE GUARDS
MIGHT SEE YOU.
CHANGE HERE.
VERY WELL,
GENERAL.
DON'T WORRY,
I WILL NOT LOOK.
YES, GENERAL.
NOW THEN,
COLONEL,
I HAVE IMPORTANT
INFORMATION FOR YOU.
I HAVE HAD COMMUNICATIONS
FROM BERLIN
REGARDING THE INVASION.
YES, THERE IS
A RUMOR
IT HAS BEEN TEMPORARILY
SUSPENDERED--
SUSPENDED.
THIS IS NOT TRUE.
THE GENERALS
WILL BE MEETING HERE
AT MY CHATEAU TO EVALUATE
THE SITUATION.
AS LOCAL COMMANDER,
YOU WILL, OF COURSE,
BE PRESENT.
IT WILL BE
A GREAT HONOR
TO BE AMONG
THE TOP BRASS.
THE MAJOR DECISIONS
ARE A) THE DATE,
AND B) THE PLAN
AND INVASION FORCE
OF THE RIGHT THIGHS--
SIZE.
I SEE.
IN MY OPINION,
THE FIRST WAVE
SHOULD CONTAIN
AT LEAST FOUR
ARMORED DIVISIONS
OF CRACK TROOPS.
I AGREE.
THE BRITISH
WON'T BE ABLE TO RESIST
THE PANTIES--
PANZERS.
- OH, RENE!
- OH, YVETTE!
RENE, I AM
SO FRIGHTENED.
THESE COMMUNISTS--
THEY ARE RUTHLESS.
DO NOT WORRY,
MY LITTLE ONE.
BUT I AM WORRIED,
MY BIG ONE.
I HARDLY DARE
TO PASS A WINDOW.
I FEED
THE CHICKENS
WITH A BUCKET
OVER MY HEAD
SO THEY DO NOT
RECOGNIZE ME.
IT IS MAINLY EDITH
THEY ARE AFTER.
SHE IS AT THE TOP
OF THEIR HIT LIST.
YOU ARE WAY DOWN
AT #2.
HOLD ME, RENE.
THIS MOMENT MAY BE
OUR LAST.
DO YOU THINK WE WILL
BE ABLE TO DO THIS
WHEN WE GET
TO HEAVEN?
PROVIDING THEY HAVE
A LARDER, YES.
( pounding )
IT IS ONLY MICHELLE.
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.
MICHELLE, IT IS NOT
ALWAYS CONVENIENT
TO HAVE YOU BARGING IN
ON MY PRIVATE MOMENTS.
COULD YOU NOT
MAKE AN APPOINTMENT?
THE GERMAN GENERALS
WILL BE MEETING
AT THE CHATEAU
TO DISCUSS THE PLANS
FOR THE INVASION
OF ENGLAND.
THE MAPS WILL BE
ON THE TABLE.
SOMEHOW WE MUST
PHOTOGRAPH THEM.
BUT WHY ARE YOU
TELLING ME ALL THIS?
BECAUSE YOU WILL BE ASKED
TO DO THE CATERING.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
THERE ARE THREE OTHER
CATERERS IN NOUVION.
YOUR ESTIMATE
WILL BE THE LOWEST
OR ELSE THE OTHERS
WILL BE BURNED DOWN
FOR COLLABORATING.
YOU REALLY MUST TRY
TO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE
TO DO THIS DANGEROUS WORK.
I AM A MASS OF NERVES.
I HAVE A TWITCH-- LOOK.
ALSO, THE MOMENT
I AM UNDER STRESS,
I BREAK OUT
IN LITTLE LUMPS.
THIS IS TRUE.
FURTHER DETAILS WILL BE
SUPPLIED NEARER THE TIME.
NO, MICHELLE, I--
SHE HAS GONE.
- OH, RENE!
- YVETTE!
AHHHHH!
WHAT DO YOU
MEAN, "AHHHH"?
YOU HAVE FRIGHTENED
THIS POOR GIRL
OUT OF HER LIFE.
ONCE AGAIN I FIND YOU
BEING UNFAITHFUL
TO MADAME EDITH,
THE WOMAN I LOVE.
HOW DARE YOU ENTER
MY PRIVATE PANTRY.
IT IS A FRENCHMAN'S
PREROGATIVE
TO HAVE A GO
AT THE SERVANTS.
WHERE IS
MADAME EDITH?
UNDER THREAT OF DEATH
FROM THE COMMUNISTS,
SHE HAS DISAPPEARED.
IT IS MY DEAREST WISH
TO PROTECT HER.
I SHALL THROW MY BODY
IN FRONT OF HERS
TO RECEIVE
THE ASSASSIN'S BULLETS.
BUT OF COURSE,
HAVING RHEUMATISM
AND A DICKY TICKER,
I SHALL HAVE
TO DO IT SLOWLY.
- MONSIEUR LECLERC?
- YEAH?
IF MADAME EDITH
IS NOT HERE,
SHE WILL NOT
BE ABLE TO SING.
( happily laughs )
I WILL BE TAKING
HER PLACE.
HERE IS HER MUSIC.
NOW, WHAT KEY
DOES SHE SING IN?
I HAVE NEVER
DISCOVERED.
PLAY ME A CHORD.
ONE, TWO,
THREE, FOUR
HE'D HAVE TO GET UNDER
GET OUT AND GET UNDER
TO FIX
HIS LITTLE MACHINE
A DOZEN TIMES THEY'D START
TO HUG AND KISS
AND THEN THE DARNED OLD ENGINE
IT WOULD MISS
AND THEN HE'D HAVE
TO GET UNDER
GET OUT AND GET UNDER
TO FIX UP HIS AUTOMOBILE.
( pounding )
Edith:
WHO IS THAT
SINGING MY SONG?
IT IS MADAME EDITH!
NOW YOU ARE
IN TROUBLE!
IT IS SAFE
TO COME DOWN, MY LOVE.
THERE ARE
NO STRANGERS HERE.
POOR LADY.
HOW FRIGHTENED
SHE MUST BE.
THE THREAT
OF ASSASSINATION
MUST WEIGH HEAVILY
UPON HER.
ALREADY IT HAS
AGED HER CONSIDERABLY.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
I DID NOT KNOW
YOU WERE HERE.
I HAVE DISGUISED MYSELF
AS MY MOTHER.
SHE IS NOT
ON THE HIT LIST.
THE TRANSFORMATION
IS REMARKABLE.
IT WILL TAKE A FEW MOMENTS
FOR ME TO ADJUST MYSELF.
IT IS AMAZING!
THE MOTH HAS TURNED
BACK INTO A VERY
OLD CATERPILLAR.
ARE THESE FOR ME?
"SINCE LAST I HELD YOU
IN MY ARMS,
TIME HAS
STOOD STILL."
IT HAS GALLOPED
ON A BIT NOW.
- ( pounding )
- EDITH, EDITH!
THAT IS MY MOTHER.
WILL NO ONE COME
TO THE ASSISTANCE
OF AN OLD LADY
STANDING HERE
WITH NO CLOTHES ON?
COMING, MAMMA!
DO NOT WORRY,
MADAME EDITH,
YOU STAY
OUT OF SIGHT.
TONIGHT I WILL SING
IN YOUR PLACE.
NO, I SHALL SING
AS USUAL,
WHATEVER FATE
THROWS AT ME.
IT IS USUALLY BREAD ROLLS
AND BITS OF CHEESE.
THE FOOD HERE
IS ABSOLUTELY DREADFUL.
IT'S A COMPLETE MYTH
ABOUT FRENCH COOKING
BEING THE BEST
IN THE WORLD.
WE ARE IN JAIL.
YES, AND ALL YOU CAN TASTE
IS GARLIC.
IF WE CAUGHT
ONE OF THE RATS,
WE COULD PROBABLY BARBECUE IT
OVER A CANDLE.
NOW YOU'VE PUT ME
OFF MY SOUP.
I'VE BEEN THINKING,
IT'S ABOUT TIME
THOSE AMERICANS CAME IN.
THEY SAVED US
IN THE LAST WAR.
IF THEY DON'T
HURRY UP,
THERE WON'T BE
ANY WAR LEFT.
IF MUMMY AND DADDY
KNEW I WAS IN JAIL,
THEY'D HAVE A FIT.
HOW WILL THEY KNOW?
IT'S NOT REALLY IN
THE TATTLER, IS IT?
BUT IF IT EVER COMES OUT
THAT I'VE GOT A PRISON RECORD,
IT COULD STOP ME GETTING
A DECENT JOB AFTER THE WAR.
WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO?
I'M GOING INTO
THE STOCK EXCHANGE.
OH, THEY WON'T MIND.
MADAME EDITH.
DEAR BEAUTIFUL,
FRAIL LADY.
HOW UNGALLANT
I HAVE BEEN.
HOW THOUGHTLESS,
HOW CRUEL.
I NOW HUMBLE MYSELF
BEFORE YOU
BECAUSE I WISH YOU
TO KNOW
THAT I THINK YOU ARE
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
IN THE WORLD
AND THE MOST EXCITING.
I LOVE YOU
AS YOU ARE NOW,
AT THE MOMENT.
AND WHATEVER RAVAGES
TIME MAY WREAK
ON THAT BEAUTIFUL
COUNTENANCE,
I SHALL ALWAYS WANT
TO HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS,
TO KISS YOU
AND TO LOVE YOU.
AM I FORGIVEN?
GET INTO BED AND DO NOT
TELL MY DAUGHTER.
( knocking on door )
ENTER!
YOU SENT FOR ME?
YES.
YOU MAY GO.
YOU HAVE BEEN
AVOIDING ME LATELY.
I HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING
YOUR ORDERS TO STAY CLOSE
TO LIEUTENANT GRUBER
AND THE COLONEL,
TO GATHER INFORMATION
REGARDING THE PLOT
TO BLOW UP HITLER.
- WHAT HAVE YOU DISCOVERED?
- NOTHING.
HELGA, I HAVE PREPARED
A VERY HOT IRON.
I'VE JUST REMEMBERED--
THE GENERALS
ARE COMING FROM BERLIN
FOR A MEETING
AT THE CHATEAU.
GOOD.
WHILE YOU ARE
TELLING ME ABOUT IT
YOU MAY
IRON MY SHIRT.
WHAT A RELIEF.
PAY ATTENTION
TO THE TAIL.
I HATE
WRINKLY ONES.
YES.
DO YOU NOT HAVE
A SERVANT TO DO THIS?
I HAVE ADVERTISED
IN THE LOCAL PAPER--
"SINGLE GESTAPO
GENTLEMEN REQUIRES
WILLING AND OBEDIENT PEASANT
FOR MENIAL DOMESTIC TASKS."
HAVE YOU HAD
MANY REPLIES?
ONLY ONE.
IT CAME THROUGH THE WINDOW
ON A BRICK.
NEVER MIND,
HERR FLICK.
I CONSIDER IT AN HONOR
TO BE PRESSING THE SHIRT
THAT WILL SHORTLY CONTAIN
YOUR WIRY GESTAPO TORSO.
I THOUGHT YOU WOULD.
NOW WHAT IS
THE PURPOSE
OF THIS MEETING
OF THE GENERALS?
TO DISCUSS
THE INVASION.
POPPYCOCK.
IT IS MY OPINION
THEY ARE ASSEMBLING
TO PLAN THE BLOWING UP
OF HITLER.
FIND OUT THE DATE
AND I WILL INFILTRATE
THIS MEETING,
IF NECESSARY,
IN DISGUISE.
YOU TAKE SUCH RISKS,
HERR FLICK.
I FIND YOUR
WHOLE LIFESTYLE
EXCITING AND STIMULATING
TO THE NTH DEGREE.
YOU OBVIOUSLY WISH
TO KISS ME.
YOU MAY DO SO.
THANK YOU,
HERR FLICK.
MY TAIL
IS BURNING.
SO IS MINE.
I AM TALKING
ABOUT MY SHIRT.
QUICK, IN HERE.
I HAVE A BUSINESS TO RUN--
I AM VERY BUSY.
RENE, IF I AM
TO BE ASSASSINATED,
LET ME REMEMBER
BEING HELD IN YOUR ARMS.
OH, VERY WELL.
MIMI, YOUR BOSOMS
ARE LIKE LITTLE ROCKS.
I HAVE HAND GRENADES
IN MY POCKETS.
IF THE COMMUNISTS ARE
TO CAPTURE US,
- WE WILL ALL GO TOGETHER.
- PSST!
OH MY GOD, QUICK.
WHAT IS IT NOW?
THE R.A.F. HAVE DELIVERED
THE BIRD THAT WILL CARRY
THE PHOTOGRAPH OF THE PLANS
BACK TO ENGLAND.
IT WILL BE DELIVERED TODAY.
WELL, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,
LABEL IT.
MY WIFE COOKED
THE LAST PIGEON FOR LUNCH.
IT IS NOT A PIGEON.
THE GERMANS
ARE SHOOTING THEM DOWN.
THEN WHAT IS IT?
IT IS A LONG DISTANCE DUCK.
NOW I HAVE
HEARD EVERYTHING.
IS THIS DUCK SUPPOSED
TO FLY ALL THE WAY
TO ENGLAND?
SHOULD IT
BECOME EXHAUSTED,
IT WILL LAND
AND HAVE A SLEEP.
FOR THIS REASON,
THE PHOTOGRAPHS WILL BE IN
WATERPROOF CONTAINERS.
RENE, THAT IDIOT OFFICER
WHO THINKS HE CAN
SPEAK FRENCH IS IN THE BAR.
I WILL TALK TO HIM.
IT WILL MAKE A NICE CHANGE
FROM THAT IDIOT
WHO DOES SPEAK FRENCH.
GOOD MOANING.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
THE BRITISH EARMEN
ARE COMPLONING
THAT THERE IS TOO MUCH
GAELIC IN THEIR SOAP.
GARLIC IN
THEIR SOUP.
THEY WISH YOU TO SEND THEM
A FOOD PISSEL.
A WHAT?
A FOOD PARCEL.
OH MY GOD,
WHAT IS THIS?
DUCKS, DUCKS,
WHO WILL BUY MY DUCKS?
WHO WILL BUY A DUCK
FROM AN OLD DUCK SELLER?
COME OVER HERE
BY THE BAR,
OLD, BADLY DISGUISED
DUCK SELLER.
DUCKS, DUCKS.
WHO WILL BUY
MY DUCKS?
SHUT UP.
SHH! IT IS I,
LECLERC.
HEY! WHAT IS YOUR GAME?
IT IS I, LECLERC.
I HAVE FOR YOU
A SPECIAL DELIVERY.
THIS IS TO DELIVER
THE PHOTOGRAPHS.
( duck quacks loudly )
SHH!
SHH!
I HAVE SEEN
ONE OF THESE BEFORE.
IT IS
A LONG DISTANCE DIKK.
LOOK OUT--
HERE COMES THE COLONEL!
QUICK, TAKE THIS
AND PUT IT
IN THE HENHOUSE, NOW.
AH, COLONEL, WELCOME.
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
WELCOME TO MY HUMBLE CAFE.
COME AND SIT DOWN, RENE.
ALWAYS A PLEASURE, COLONEL.
YVETTE, WINE FOR THE COLONEL
AND THE LIEUTENANT, AND HELGA.
WHAT CAN I
DO FOR YOU, COLONEL?
NOW,
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
IS BLOWING HIS TOP
ABOUT THE MISSING PAINTINGS.
WE WILL HAVE TO GIVE HIM
SOME FORGERIES.
WHICH WE WILL TELL HIM
ARE THE REAL PAINTINGS.
WHICH HE WILL ASK GRUBER
TO VOUCH FOR HIM.
WHICH I WILL DO.
WHICH HE WILL ASK
GRUBER TO COPY.
WHICH I WILL COPY.
WHICH GIVES US TIME
TO RECOVER THE ORIGINALS
FROM THE HEADQUARTERS
OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.
THE WHEREABOUTS OF WHICH
ARE KNOWN TO YOU.
UNFORTUNATELY, COLONEL,
THIS IS NOT TRUE.
I WAS BLINDFOLDED
AND IN A CLOSED TRUCK.
IN WHICH CASE,
WHEN THEY ARE RECOVERED,
YOU WILL NOT
GET YOUR SHARE.
YOU WILL BE CUT
OUT OF THE DEAL.
YOU WILL HAVE,
AFTER THE WAR, NOTHING.
AH, WELL,
FORTUNATELY, I WAS CAPTURED
ALONG WITH MONSIEUR LECLERC,
THE PIANIST WHO WOULD,
OF COURSE, KNOW THE WAY.
THE COLONEL INTENDS
TO MOUNT A SMALL,
BUT CAREFULLY PLANNED,
OPERATION.
HE WILL USE ONLY A HANDFUL
OF CAREFULLY SELECTED,
RUTHLESS MEN.
THIS IS PROVIDING
WE CAN FIND THEM.
COLONEL,
YOUR OLD BUDDY
ALBERTO BERTORELLI
IS RETURNED FROM ROME.
SEE HERE, MUSSOLINI,
HE GIVE ME
A BEAUTIFUL MEDAL.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
SINCE THE AIR RAID.
WE THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONE FOR GOOD.
IN ROME, THEY GIVE ME
THE FINEST CRACK TROOPS
IN ALL ITALY.
TOGETHER, WE TAKE THE BOATS
AND WE INVADE THE BRITISH.
I PICK MY MEN,
EACH ONE
WITH MY OWN HAND.
THEY ARE
THE RUTHLESS MEN.
GRUBER, HE HAS RUTHLESS MEN.
WHEN CAN WE MEET THEM?
THEY WAIT FOR YOU
TO MAKE THE INSPECTION.
COME OUTSIDE
AND SAY HELLO.
WITH PLEASURE.
I MAY HAVE
A JOB FOR THEM.
THEY WILL BE
COCK-A-DA-HOOP.
( various chatter )
SQUAD, MAKE THE ATTENTION!
COME ON, COME ON,
MOVE, PLEASE.
NO SMOKE THE FAG WHEN YOU
MAKE THE ATTENTION.
KEEP THE MOUTH QUIET.
STAND UP.
COLONEL, COME OVER HERE.
MEET MY BOYS.
BOYS, THIS IS
COLONEL VON STROHM.
HE IS
THE BIG NOISE.
HI, COLONEL!
HOW'S IT GETTING ON?
Soldier:
GERMAN ARMY,
FINE OUTFIT.
'ALLO BABY,
GREAT LEGS!
WHAT YOU THINK, COLONEL?
THEY GREAT GUYS, NO?
THEY ARE
AN ABSOLUTE SHOWER.
SHAMBLES!
HEY, WHAT DO YOU
MEAN, SHAMBLES?
THEY CONVICTS FROM
THE BEST PRISONS IN ALL ITALY.
THEY ARE MEAN,
THEY ARE TOUGH.
( all chanting )
WE ARE MEAN, WE ARE TOUGH.
WE CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH.
THEN I HAVE A JOB
FOR THESE MEN.
TELL THEM, GRUBER.
MEN, PAY ATTENTION.
I AM LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
THAT IS MY LITTLE TANK.
- NICE.
- NICE TANK.
PRETTY!
THANK YOU,
SETTLE DOWN.
WE HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT
FOR YOU.
NORTHEAST OF THIS TOWN,
IS THE HEADQUARTERS
OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.
WE HAVE CERTAIN DOCUMENTS
TO RECOVER FROM THEM.
THEY ARE ARMED TO THE TEETH,
AND LIKE YOU,
THEY ARE RUTHLESS FIGHTERS.
( muttering )
TO YOU WILL GO THE HONOR
OF ATTACKING
AND DEFEATING THEM.
THIS A GREAT HONOR.
WHAT YOU THINK, BOYS?
CAN WE DO IT?
NO!
I TALK THEM ROUND.
HEY!
MEN AFTER MY OWN HEART.
( theme music playing )