'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s05e12 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
SOME OF YOU MAY BE
WONDERING WHAT I AM DOING
IN THE CELLAR OF MY CAFE,
BRICKING MYSELF UP.
I WILL TELL YOU.
LAST NIGHT,
A GROUP OF GERMAN GENERALS
WERE IN MY CAFE,
PLANNING THE INVASION
OF ENGLAND.
IN ORDER NOT TO BE BLOWN UP
BY THE RESISTANCE,
THEY HAD DISGUISED THEMSELVES
AS FRENCH ONION SELLERS.
UNFORTUNATELY,
THEY BECAME MIXED UP
WITH A GROUP
OF BRITISH AIRMEN,
ALSO DISGUISED
AS FRENCH ONION SELLERS.
THANKS TO THE RESISTANCE,
ALL THESE ONION SELLERS
ARE NOW ON THEIR WAY
TO THE COAST
TO BE SHIPPED TO ENGLAND
BY SUBMARINE.
NATURALLY, I WILL BE BLAMED
FOR THIS FIASCO,
SO I AM GOING TO REMAIN
DOWN HERE,
BEHIND THIS WALL,
UNTIL THE WAR IS OVER.
RENE! RENE,
I HAVE BROUGHT FOR YOU
TWO BOTTLES OF
YOUR FAVORITE COGNAC
SOME BAKED BEANS.
OH, EDITH--
I ALREADY HAVE EIGHT CASES
OF BAKED BEANS.
HAVE YOU NOTHING ELSE?
HERE IS A GORGONZOLA
AND SOME CANDLES.
AH, WELL,
IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
I THINK LIGHTING THESE
MIGHT BE TOO RISKY.
I WILL STICK TO MY TORCH.
I HAVE BEEN THINKING--
WHAT IF THEY BLAME ME?
MAYBE I WOULD BE SAFER
IF I BRICKED MYSELF UP
WITH YOU.
OH, NO, NO, EDITH, NO.
I AM SURE YOU CAN TALK
YOUR WAY OUT OF IT.
NOT ONLY THAT,
WHO WOULD UNBRICK ME
ONCE THE CEMENT BECOMES SET?
NO, YOU STAY OUT THERE.
BUT I HAVE
A LITTLE HAMMER.
WE COULD BOTH BANG AWAY
UNTIL SOMEONE HEARD US.
HELP ME THROUGH.
RENE!
RENE, THERE ARE
GERMANS EVERYWHERE.
NOWHERE IS SAFE.
THAT IS WHY I AM BRICKING
MYSELF UP WITH MY HUSBAND.
BUT IF THEY CANNOT FIND YOU,
THEY WILL PUT THE BLAME ON ME!
I, TOO, WILL BRICK
MYSELF UP WITH YOU.
NO, THERE IS NOT
ENOUGH ROOM.
WE WOULD HAVE TO SLEEP
ON TOP OF EACH OTHER.
WE MUST NOT BE
SELFISH, EDITH.
EDITH! OH, EDITH,
THERE ARE GERMANS EVERYWHERE.
WHAT IF THEY SHOULD
TORTURE ME
TO FIND OUT
WHERE YOU ARE HIDING?
IF YOU HAD NOT COME DOWN HERE,
YOU WOULD NOT KNOW
WHERE WE ARE HIDING,
YOU INQUISITIVE OLD BAT!
I WISH ALSO
TO BE BRICKED UP.
OH, HECK!
COULD WE NOT
BRICK HER UP
SEPARATELY?
RENE, DO NOT BE SO SELFISH.
COME, CLIMB IN, MAMMA,
WHILE THERE IS STILL TIME.
RENE, RENE!
LOOK, IF YOU THINK
YOU ARE COMING IN HERE,
YOU CAN THINK AGAIN.
MICHELLE INSISTS
ON SEEING YOU IN
THE BACK ROOM.
WELL, I DO NOT WISH
TO SEE HER.
- SHALL I BRING HER DOWN?
- NO, IF YOU DO THAT,
SHE WILL KNOW
WHERE WE ARE HIDING.
COME.
OH.
I HOPE THIS IS IMPORTANT.
WELL?
LISTEN
VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE,
AND FOR
THE LAST TIME.
WHY? ARE YOU LEAVING?
- NO, YOU ARE.
- HUH?
TOMORROW THE CAPTURE
OF THE GERMAN GENERALS
WILL BE HEADLINE NEWS
THROUGHOUT THE WORLD.
YOU WILL BE THE HERO,
A SYMBOL OF FREEDOM,
A BRIGHT FLAME
THAT WILL NEVER DIE!
OH!
HERE IS THE HIGHES
REWARD FOR BRAVERY
THE RESISTANCE
CAN BESTOW.
MY BRAVE, IMMORTAL HUSBAND.
WHAT AN HONOR.
AND HERE IS
A SUICIDE PILL.
A SUICIDE PILL?
TAKE IT
WITHOUT DELAY.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BRIGHT
FLAME THAT WILL NEVER DIE?
YOU KNOW TOO MUCH.
WHEN THEY ARREST YOU
IN CONNECTION WITH
THE DISAPPEARANCE
OF THE GENERALS
THEY WILL
TORTURE YOU--
YOU MAY REVEAL
MY IDENTITY.
WELL THEN, WHY DO YOU
NOT TAKE IT?
AND THEN
IT WILL NOT MATTER.
I AM FAR TOO VALUABLE.
YOU MUST SACRIFICE
YOURSELF FOR FRANCE,
KNOWING THAT
YOUR WORK IS DONE.
OH, RENE, JUST THINK,
I SHALL BE
THE BEAUTIFUL WIDOW
OF A BRAVE HERO.
I AM NOT TAKING THIS PILL!
EDITH, HELP ME!
I WILL GET YOU
A GLASS OF WATER.
MONSIEUR RENE--
I, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
UNDERTAKER,
HAVE COME TO PAY
MY LAST RESPECTS
TO THE GREAT HERO
OF FRANCE.
IT WILL BE MY PRIVILEGE
TO BURY YOU
WITH FULL MILITARY HONORS
IN THE VEGETABLE GARDEN--
AT COST,
PLUS 2 1/2%.
HOW CAN I GET IT INTO
ALL YOUR THICK HEADS
THAT I AM NOT TAKING
THIS PILL?
- ( pounding )
- ( Rene gasps )
MICHELLE,
I AM THE BEARER
OF BAD TIDINGS.
THE FISH LORRY
HAS HIT A BOMB CRATER.
ALL THE GERMAN GENERALS
ARE NOW ON THEIR WAY
BACK TO BERLIN.
YOU CALL THIS
BAD TIDINGS?
AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED
THIS IS GOOD TIDINGS.
NOW AT LEAST
THE GERMAN GENERALS
WILL NOT KNOW THAT
THEY WERE BEING DRIVEN
TO THE COAST IN A FISH TRUCK
TO BE SHIPPED OFF
TO ENGLAND!
THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE
BEING DRIVEN AWAY
TO SAFETY,
AWAY FROM THE AIR RAID.
THANK HEAVENS,
I AM IN THE CLEAR.
IN THAT CASE, WE WILL
HAVE BACK THE PILL--
OH, YES.
-- AND THE MEDAL.
WOULD YOU
BELIEVE THAT, EDITH?
YOU HAVE TO DIE THESE DAYS
TO BECOME A HERO.
AS SOME SMALL
COMPENSATION,
I WILL MAKE NO CHARGE
FOR THE COFFIN
I HAVE PREPARED.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
I AM SURE.
I WILL KEEP IT
IN MY STORE.
WITH THE SORT OF LIFE
YOU ARE LEADING,
I THINK YOU ARE
GOING TO NEED IT
QUITE SOON.
( sobbing )
OH, POOR EDITH.
OH, I AM SORRY, RENE.
DO NOT CRY, MY SWEET.
THEY HAVE TAKEN AWAY
YOUR MEDAL.
OH, I DO NOT MIND ABOU
A SILLY OLD MEDAL.
AND I AM NOT TO BE
THE WIDOW OF A GREAT HERO.
HELGA, I MUST AT ONCE
SEE THE COLONEL.
- I WILL ANNOUNCE YOU.
- THERE'S NO TIME.
COLONEL, I HAVE JUST
LEFT THE GENERAL.
HE IS IN A MOST AWFUL
STATE OF AGITATION.
BERLIN IS BLAMING HIM
FOR THE FIASCO WITH
THE GENERALS--
HE IS LOOKING
FOR A SCAPEGOAT.
AND WHO IS THIS TO BE?
AS HIS CONFIDENTIAL AIDE,
I AM NOT PERMITTED
TO DIVULGE THE NAME.
OF COURSE. I UNDERSTAND.
BUT I CAN POINT.
OH MY GOD,
THIS IS A DISASTER!
I'M NOT TO BLAME.
- OF COURSE YOU ARE NOT.
- YOU WILL BACK ME UP, GRUBER.
I WILL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
Soldier:
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
TELL HIM I'M OUT.
( shouting )
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
( meekly )
HEIL HITLER.
I WILL SEE
THE COLONEL AT ONCE.
EVERY LITTLE BREEZE
SEEMS TO WHISPER LOUISE.
I'M JUST PRACTICING
A LITTLE TURN
FOR A CHARITY CONCERT
THAT I INTEND TO GIVE.
KEEP PRACTICING--
YOU WILL BE GIVING IT
AT THE RUSSIAN FRONT.
I HAVE BEEN CALLED TO BERLIN
TO ACCOUNT FOR
THE UNFORGIVABLE INCIDENT
WITH MY GENERALS
AND I HAVE DECIDED THAT
YOU ARE ENTIRELY TO BLAME.
BUT IT WAS ALL
YOUR IDEA, GENERAL!
WHAT WAS MY IDEA?
TO DRESS THE GENERALS
AS PEASANTS
AND THE PEASANTS
AS GENERALS
SO THAT THE RESISTANCE
WOULDN'T KNOW WHO TO BLOW UP.
GRUBER,
HAVE YOU EVER
HEARD ME EXPOUND
SUCH A LUDICROUS PLAN?
THINK CAREFULLY
BEFORE YOU REPLY,
AND CONSIDER HOW MANY PAIRS
OF LONG, WOOLLY UNDERWEAR
YOU WILL REQUIRE
IF YOU GIVE THE WRONG ANSWER.
GENERAL,
WHEN I WAS
A VERY SMALL BOY,
MY MOTHER MADE ME PROMISE
THAT I WOULD NEVER LET
A FALSEHOOD PASS MY LIPS.
I ADMIRE YOU
FOR THIS ATTITUDE, GRUBER.
YOU WILL GO
AND HELP THE COLONEL
PACK FOR THE RUSSIAN FRONT.
YES, GENERAL.
THEN YOU WILL ALSO
PACK YOURSELF.
AND YOU CAN TAKE
YOUR BORING MOTHER WITH YOU!
ON MY GOD!
I'M ALL A-SHIVER.
LOOK AT ME--
I'M LIKE A JELLY.
- WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO.
- HERE--
( clinking )
DRINK THIS.
AT A TIME
LIKE THIS, GRUBER,
I AM AS COOL
AS A CUCUMBER.
I CAN SEE OUR COURSE
OF ACTION VERY CLEARLY.
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI
MUST HELP US.
WITH HIS CONNECTIONS
IN ROME,
WE COULD ARRANGE TO HIDE OUT
IN THE VATICAN.
THEY WOULD NOT HIDE US,
WOULD THEY?
THE CATHOLIC CHURCH WILL DO
ANYTHING FOR MONEY.
BUT WE DO NOT
HAVE ANY MONEY.
WE WILL HAVE LOTS OF MONEY
WHEN WE SELL THE PAINTINGS
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES,
AND THE CRACKED VASE
WITH THE BIG DAISIES.
THEY ARE IN THE HANDS OF
THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.
BUT RENE KNOWS
WHERE TO FIND THEM--
AND WE KNOW
WHERE TO FIND RENE.
UM
WHAT ABOUT HELGA?
WE PROMISED TO CUT HER IN.
WE WILL CUT HER OUT.
THEY DON'T LIKE WOMEN
IN THE VATICAN.
SOUNDS QUITE
AN AMUSING PLACE.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
WE DID MAKE A PROMISE.
WE ARE NOT COMING UP AGAINST
YOUR BORING MOTHER AGAIN?
ON THIS OCCASION,
I AM SURE
SHE WOULD UNDERSTAND.
NEVER AGAIN WILL I TRUST
A NAZI POOFTER!
EVEN IN THE GESTAPO
I HAVE NEVER PREVIOUSLY HEARD
A TALE OF SUCH
DEVIOUS DOUBLE-DEALING.
IF WE DON'T TAKE ACTION,
HERR FLICK,
WE WILL HAVE NO PAINTING
TO SELL AFTER THE WAR.
YOU MUST DISCOVER
THEIR PLAN.
FIND OUT WHERE
THE PAINTING IS HIDDEN
AND WE WILL NAB IT FROM UNDER
THEIR SCHEMING NOSES.
BUT, HERR FLICK,
IN YOUR CONDITION
YOU ARE IN NO STATE
TO UNDERTAKE SUCH AN OPERATION.
THE GESTAPO
WILL FIND A WAY.
MEANWHILE, YOU WILL ASSIST
WITH MY REMEDIAL TREATMENT.
START THE MUSIC.
CAN I HELP
IN ANY OTHER WAY?
YES-- PULL IT
IN TIME TO THE MUSIC.
( music begins playing )
- ( Rene humming )
- MY HUSBAND--
I HAVE NOT HEARD YOU
SINGING SINCE 1938!
OH, I AM HAPPY, EDITH,
WE ARE OFF THE HOOK.
ALL WE HAVE TO DO NOW
IS TO RUN OUR LITTLE CAFE,
KEEP FRIENDLY
WITH THE GERMANS,
KEEP ON THE RIGHT SIDE
OF THE RESISTANCE
AND WAIT UNTIL
THE WAR IS OVER.
WE HAVE PUT MADAME FANNY
BACK IN HER BED.
WE HAVE GIVEN HER
A LARGE GIN.
OH GOOD.
HERE,
HELP WITH
THE CUSTOMERS.
OH, LOOK--
HERE COMES THE ITAI CAPTAIN
WHO HAS THE HOTS FOR ME.
AH, THE BEAUTIFUL SIGNORINA,
I KISS YOUR HAND.
MMM, EACH TIME
I LOOK IN YOUR EYES
MY HEART GO,
BOOM-TIDDY-BOOM,
TIDDY-BOOM!
OH, CAPTAIN ALBERTO,
YOU ITAIS KNOW HOW
TO TURN A GIRL'S HEAD.
AND A MAN'S STOMACH.
MAYBE AFTER THE WAR,
YOU AND ME WE RUN
THIS PLACE TOGETHER,
AND WE MAKE MANY
LITTLE ALBERTO'S, HUH?
OH, CAPTAIN!
IF SHE CAN REMEMBER
THE RECIPE.
THIS CAFE HAS BEEN
REQUISITIONED BY
THE GERMAN ARMY.
- EVERYBODY OUT!
- SHOO, SHOO.
EVERYBODY OUT!
EVERYBODY OUT!
COLONEL,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU ARE RUINING ME--
THEY HAVE NOT
PAID THEIR BILLS!
THE COLONEL HAS CALLED
AN EMERGENCY MEETING.
SIT DOWN, RENE.
YOU TOO, CAPTAIN.
NOW--
WE HAVE TO TAKE SWIFT
AND DECISIVE ACTION.
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
IS ABOUT TO SEND THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
TO THE RUSSIAN FRONT.
Rene:
OH NO, COLONEL!
THIS A TERRIBLE NEWS.
YOU TELL THAT GENERAL
KLINKERHOFFEN FROM ME
IF HE DO THIS
TO MY FRIENDS,
WE, THE ITALIAN ARMY,
WE NOT INVADE ENGLAND.
I AM NOT SURE
THIS WOULD
WORRY THE GENERAL
TOO DRASTICALLY.
WE NEED RENE
TO HELP US GET OUT
OF FRANCE INTO ITALY.
AND WE NEED YOU, CAPTAIN,
TO HELP US TO GET
TO THE VATICAN,
WHERE WE CAN BUY PASSPORTS
FOR SOUTH AMERICA.
DEAR COLONEL,
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
GET YOU OUT OF FRANCE?
STOP PRETENDING, RENE.
YOU HAVE BEEN BUSY ENOUGH
GETTING THE BRITISH AIRMEN OUT.
YES, BUT THEY GO
THE OTHER WAY.
I WILL HELP YOU.
YOU STAY WITH
MY UNCLE ENRICO--
HE PASS YOU ON
TO MY COUSIN GIUSEPPE--
FROM THERE YOU HIDE IN
THE MARGARINE FACTORY,
WHICH BELONG
TO MY AUNTY FLORA.
WHAT ABOUT THE VATICAN?
THIS IS THE PROBLEM,
THE VATICAN COST
A LOT OF MONEY.
THE POPE, HE DON'T
DO NOTHING FOR NOTHING.
FOR THIS REASON,
WE MUST RECOVER, AT ONCE,
THE PAINTINGS OF THE CRACKED
VASE WITH THE BIG DAISIES
AND THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.
WITH THESE WE WILL
PAY THE VATICAN.
COLONEL,
I HAVE TO TELL YOU,
THE BIG BOOBIES CUT
NO ICE WITH THE POPE.
NO, WE WILL SELL IT
AND GIVE THE MONEY
TO THE POPE.
COLONEL,
WHAT ABOUT MY SHARE?
WE WILL SEND I
ON TO YOU.
UH, YOU CAN
TRUST US, HELGA.
THE PAINTINGS ARE STILL
IN THE HEADQUARTERS
OF THE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE.
- AND WHO PUT THEM THERE?
- HE DID.
AND WHO KNOWS EXACTLY
WHERE THEY ARE?
HE DOES.
AND WHO IS GOING TO
GET THEM FOR US?
Everyone:
HE IS.
AND TO THINK THAT
ONLY A MOMENT AGO
I DID NOT HAVE
A CARE IN THE WORLD.
MAKE THE ATTENTION!
FANTASTICA!
PRESENT THE BAYONETS!
SCREW THE BAYONETS!
Soldiers:
YEAH, SCREW THE BAYONETS!
YOU, YOU STUPID GITS!
YOU, THICK IN THE HEADS!
I MEAN, SCREW THE BAYONETS
INTO THE RIFLE!
NO SMOKE
THE FAG ON PARADE!
IT IS TIME YOU HAD
A NEW CHAIR, MY LOVE.
THIS ONE IS
OLD AND SQUEAKY.
EVERYTHING IS OLD
AND SQUEAKY.
WHERE DO YOU YOU
WISH TO GO?
TO THE MUSEUM.
AND DO NOT LEAVE ME THERE
LIKE YOU DID THE LAST TIME.
YOU SEE THOSE SACKS?
THEY THE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE.
I WANT THAT YOU GO
STICK IT THROUGH THEM.
NOW, LOOK THE FIERCE.
- SHOW THE TEETH.
- ( soldier snarls )
- MAKE THE GROWLING.
- GRRR!
MAKE MY BLOOD RUN COLD.
CHARGE!
( men growl )
THAT'S GOOD. YOU HEROES!
WE WIN THE WAR!
( cheering )
NEXT CHARGE, GET THE READY.
LOOK THE FIERCE,
SHOW THE TEETH,
MAKE THE GROWLING--
- ( men growl )
- MAKE THE CHARGE!
HILT!
WHAT FOR YOU STOP
THE CHARGE?
OLD LADIES HAVE
RIGHT OF WOO.
( chair squeaking )
NOW YOU CAN CHARGE.
WHAT'S YOUR GAME, EH?
YOU NOT SAY WHEN
WE MAKE THE CHARGE.
I SAY WHEN
WE MAKE THE CHARGE.
MAKE THE CHARGE.
HELL.
PSST!
MICHELLE?
- RENE--
- HMM?
SINCE WE DECLARED
OUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER,
I'VE NOT BEEN ABLE
TO SLEEP.
LET ME CRUSH YOU
IN MY ARMS.
OH, VERY WELL,
IF YOU MUST.
WHILE WE ARE DOING THIS,
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
MIMI HAS TOLD ME
OF YOUR PLAN.
THE RESISTANCE
NEED THE PAINTINGS
TO SELL FOR PARTY FUNDS.
YOU WILL TAKE
THE FORGERIES,
GO TO THE COMMUNIST
HEADQUARTERS
AND SUBSTITUTE THEM
SO THAT THE GERMANS THINK
THEY HAVE RECOVERED
THE ORIGINALS.
MICHELLE,
MUCH AS I LOVE YOU,
HOW CAN I DO THIS?
THEY HAVE LOOKOUTS.
EVERYONE WHO APPROACHES
WILL BE SHOT.
THEY WILL NOT SHOOT
A FRANCISCAN VICAR
WHEELING A PRAM.
WELL, THAT WOULD BE
AN UNUSUAL SIGHT,
I MUST ADMIT.
- BUT HOW DOES THAT CONCERN--
- ASK NO MORE QUESTIONS,
- JUST CRUSH ME TO YOU.
- OH, MICHELLE!
I'M VERY SORRY, COLONEL,
I HAVE SEARCHED THE CAFE
FROM TOP TO BOTTOM,
THERE IS NO SIGN OF RENE.
TRULY, COLONEL,
HE DISAPPEARED
AN HOUR AGO,
- I KNOW NOT WHERE.
- NEVER MIND.
THE OLD PIANO PLAYER
CAN DIRECT US.
I WILL NOT DO IT.
GET BACK INSIDE
THAT TANK!
( gun fires )
HEIL HITLER!
COLONEL!
MY PAINTWORK.
DON'T BE A SISSY!
ALBERTO,
ARE YOU READY?
- ARE WE READY?
- YEAH!
YOU BET YOUR SWEET BIPPY.
WE GO. IN THE TANK.
AFTER YOU, COLONEL.
( all grunt )
OF ALL THE HAREBRAINED SCHEMES
MICHELLE HAS DEVISED,
THIS MUST BE THE MADDEST.
STOP WHINGING
AND HAND ME MY BOTTLE.
YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT THESE
COMMUNISTS ARE LIKE.
THAT LAROQUE WOMAN,
THEIR LEADER, SHE IS A MANIAC.
SHE IS IN LYONS AT THE SECRET
COMMUNIST PARTY CONFERENCE.
( belches )
YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE EATEN
ALL OF THOSE RUSKS.
HALT!
THIS IS A PROHIBITED AREA.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I AM A FRANCISCAN VICAR.
I AM TAKING THIS CHILD
TO THE ORPHANAGE.
IT WAS LEFT ON OUR DOORSTEP.
I THINK IT MUST HAVE
BEEN THERE A LONG TIME.
PASS.
PLEASE AVOID THE BUMPS.
I AM GETTING PRAMSICK.
I STILL HAVE RENE
IN SIGHT.
HALT!
THIS IS A PROHIBITED AREA.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I AM TAKING MY LITTLE BABY,
DIDDUMS, FOR A STROLL.
DO NOT TELL ME
YOU FOUND THAT
ON A DOORSTEP!
MY NAME IS HERR OTTO FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO.
ONE MORE CRACK LIKE THAT
AND YOU WILL BE SHOT
WITH A PISTOL
CONCEALED IN MY DOLLY.
I CANNOT SEE
ANYBODY ABOUT.
I TOLD YOU,
THEY ARE IN LYONS.
GET THE PAINTINGS.
THEY ARE STILL HERE.
- HERE ARE THE FORGERIES.
- ALL RIGHT. HIDE THOSE.
- STAY WHERE YOU ARE!
- ( Rene screams )
RENE ARTOIS, MY LOVER,
MY CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART!
YOU HAVE RETURNED TO ME
AS I KNEW THAT YOU WOULD.
HELLO.
CREEP ALONG THE HEDGE.
YOU KEEP DOWN YOUR HEADS.
YOU DON'T MOVE
UNTIL I TELL YOU.
UNDERSTOOD?
- OKEY-DOKEY, KIDDO.
- HEY, HEY!
WHAT YOU MEAN,
"OKEY-DOKEY"?
I'M YOUR OFFICER.
YOU HAVE SOME RESPECT.
OKEY-DOKEY, SIR.
STAND BY TO FIRE!
WELL, UH--
IT HAS BEEN NICE TALKING
TO YOU AGAIN, DENISE.
GOOD LUCK WITH THE WAR.
I WILL JUST GO
AND GET THIS BABY
BACK TO ITS MUMMY.
( belches )
EXCUSE ME.
ONE OF MY GIRLS
WILL TAKE IT.
- WHAT?
- YOU WILL NEVER
LEAVE ME AGAIN.
AH, WELL, I-- I--
I WILL JUST GO
AND EXPLAIN TO HER.
COOCHIE, COOCHIE.
YOU HEARD HER.
NOW WHAT DO WE DO?
DO NOT WORRY.
THE COLONEL WILL BE
ATTACKING AT ANY MOMENT.
( cannon fires )
WE ARE BEING ATTACKED!
TO YOUR POSTS!
( machine guns firing )
HOLD YOUR FIRE!
THEY ARE SURRENDERING.
SURRENDERING? ALREADY?
THEY HAVE FALLEN INTO
OUR TRAP.
OUR GIRLS HAVE THEM
COVERED FROM BEHIND.
OH.
PUT YOUR HANDS UP!
SO, THE GREAT
ITALIAN ARMY!
WE HAVE HAD YOU
UNDER OBSERVATION
FOR THE LAST TWO MILES
AND YOU WALKED
STRAIGHT INTO OUR TRAP.
WHAT A MISTAKE TO MAKE!
( theme music playing )