'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s05e24 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
YOU ARE PROBABLY
SAYING TO YOURSELVES,
"HELLO, WHAT IS
THIS MAN UP TO?"
I WILL TELL YOU.
HE IS UP TO
THE CUCKOO CLOCK.
HE IS TRYING TO WEDGE
THE LITTLE DOOR.
AND WHY IS HE DOING THAT?
I WILL SHOW YOU.
( clock cuckoos )
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU REPLACE
THE REAL WEIGHT
WITH ONE MADE FROM
FOUR BARS OF PURE GOLD
BELONGING TO
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN,
WHICH I HAD
STOLEN EARLIER,
MELTED DOWN
AND PAINTED BROWN.
I AM, OF COURSE,
TRYING TO PUT OUT OF MY MIND
THE 257 EXPLODING
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS
WHICH ARE STILL
IN MY CELLAR,
EACH ONE MARKED,
"BEST BEFORE D-DAY,"
WHATEVER THAT MAY MEAN.
OTHERWISE, YOU WILL BE
PLEASED TO HEAR THAT
THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH A LOT UP TOP
BY VAN CLOMP,
TOGETHER WITH THE PAINTING
OF THE CRACKED VASE
WITH THE BIG DAISIES
BY VAN GOGH,
WHICH WE RECENTLY RETRIEVED
FROM UNDER THE VERY NOSES
OF THE GERMAN GENERALS,
ARE SAFELY HIDDEN IN
THESE PACKETS OF SPAGHETTI.
SO FOR ONCE,
I AM LOOKING FORWARD
TO A LITTLE PEACE.
OH, RENE.
AND HERE SHE IS.
MY BODY IS
CRYING OUT FOR YOU.
TAKE ME IN YOUR ARMS.
Both:
OOH!
OH, RENE!
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
DO NOT FIGHT IT,
YVETTE.
IT IS BIGGER
THAN BOTH OF US.
RENE. RENE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH YOUR ARMS AROUND HER?
YOU STUPID WOMAN.
JUST BECAUSE
THERE IS A WAR ON,
BALLROOM DANCING
CANNOT BE ALLOWED
TO DIE OUT.
NOW ONCE AGAIN,
SLOW, SLOW, QUICK,
QUICK, SLOW.
( both humming )
♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA. ♪
YES, VERY GOOD, YVETTE.
NOW RUN ALONG.
SHALL WE TANGO, EDITH?
YES, YES, I KNOW IT IS
BEFORE LUNCHTIME,
BUT AFTER ALL,
WE ARE MAN AND WIFE.
RENE, I THINK
I SHOULD TELL YOU
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
HAS JUST PROPOSED TO ME.
BUT EDITH,
YOU ARE MY WIFE.
IN THE EYES
OF THE WORLD
I AM THE WIFE
OF YOUR DEAD
TWIN BROTHER.
BUT I AM
MY DEAD TWIN BROTHER.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MARRY
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
WHAT?
HE LOVES ME.
YOU DO NOT.
BUT IF YOU MARRY HIM
HE WILL OWN THIS CAFE
AND EVERYTHING IN IT.
SO?
EDITH! EDITH,
COME BACK HERE.
WHAT FOOLISH NOTIONS
HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING
INTO THE EMPTY HEAD
OF MY WIFE?
SHE IS NOT YOUR WIFE.
YOU ARE DEAD.
WHO SAYS SO?
I DO.
I AM THE UNDERTAKER.
I BURIED YOU.
WELL, I AM A VERY
DISSATISFIED CUSTOMER.
I MUST NOW ASK PERMISSION
FOR YOUR HAND
FROM YOUR CHARMING MOTHER.
- WHERE IS SHE?
- SHE IS RESTING.
ON THE THIRD FLOOR.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
IT IS A LONG STEEP CLIMB.
BE CAREFUL OF
YOUR DICKY TICKER.
I SHALL ASCEND ON
THE WINGS OF LOVE.
RENE, MADAME EDITH--
OH, HECK,
MORE TROUBLE.
GATHER ROUND,
ALL OF YOU.
ALL OF WHO?
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
LONDON WISHES US TO INITIATE
OPERATION WATERLOO.
WATERLOO?
LONDON SAID IT WAS A WORD
EVERY FRENCHMAN KNOWS.
YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM
FULL MARKS FOR TACT.
THE BRITISH AIRMEN
WILL BE TAKEN AWAY.
I THOUGHT THEY
HAD ALREADY GONE.
NO, NO. THEY WILL BE
HANGING AROUND SOMEWHERE.
- HELLO.
- WHAT HO!
THE MIDGET SUBMARINE
WILL BE HERE
TO COLLECT YOU
TONIGHT.
HERE ARE
YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.
AS WITH ALL
SECRET INSTRUCTIONS,
YOU WILL EAT THEM
TO PREVENT THEM FROM
FALLING INTO ENEMY HANDS.
- RIGHT-O.
- WILL DO.
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO
READ THEM FIRST.
Guard:
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
- HEIL HITLER.
- HEIL HITLER.
NOT IN HERE.
YOU DO THE OUTER OFFICE.
NOT IN HERE.
YOU DO THE OUTER OFFICE.
I WILL DO THIS ROOM.
GENERAL, IT'S ALREADY
BEEN HOOVERED THIS MORNING.
IT WAS NOT A HOOVER.
THAT WAS A MINE DETECTOR.
THERE ARE
NO MINES HERE.
IT ALSO DETECTS METAL,
HIDDEN METAL.
NOTHING IS HIDDEN
IN THIS ROOM.
YOUR ASSURANCES,
COLONEL,
ARE WORTHLESS.
MAY I REMIND YOU
THAT A GESTAPO MICROPHONE
WAS FOUND HIDDEN
ON YOUR DESK IN
A BOWL OF DAFFODILS?
THAT HAS BEEN
DEALT WITH.
WE THREW IT AWAY
WHEN THE WATER
GOT GREEN AND SMELLY.
YOU MAY SPEAK FREELY,
THERE ARE NO MORE BUGS HERE.
I AM RELIEVED
TO HEAR IT.
GENERAL,
THIS METAL
YOU ARE LOOKING FOR,
IS IT GOLD?
WHAT?
FOR STASHING AWAY
UNTIL AFTER THE WAR?
OF COURSE
IT IS NOT GOLD.
I MEAN,
A PRECIOUS METAL.
NO.
- WELL, SEMI-PRECIOUS?
- NO.
NOT PRECIOUS AT ALL,
BUT OF SENTIMENTAL VALUE?
YES,
YOU COULD SAY THAT.
IT BELONGS TO ME.
AND I INTEND TO FIND IT
EVEN IF I HAVE TO TAKE
THIS PLACE APART.
WHAT IS IN
THESE DRAWERS?
NOTHING AT ALL,
GENERAL
PARTICULARLY NOT
IN THIS DRAWER.
OPEN IT.
I WOULD RATHER NOT.
OUT OF MY WAY.
AH! MY GOD!
STOP, GENERAL, STOP!
IT IS WORTH 200 MARKS.
YOU SEE?
DEAD.
General:
My God, I hate rats.
I DO NOT LIKE
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
WHY NOT?
HE HATES RATS.
RATS ARE MY
FAVORITE ANIMAL.
THEY ARE SMALL,
SHIFTY AND DISGUSTING,
JUST LIKE YOU.
THANK YOU, HERR FLICK.
I THINK THE GENERAL
HAS LOST SOME GOLD.
AND THE COLONEL
HAS STOLEN IT.
NO. HE IS TOO STUPID.
THERE IS ONLY ONE MAN
WHO WOULD HAVE THE GALL
TO TRY AND OUTWIT
US GERMANS,
AND THAT IS RENE.
WE SHALL INTERROGATE HIM.
BUT HE ALWAYS
TELLS US LIES.
HE WILL NOT TELL LIES
TO A PERSON WITH SEX APPEAL
BREATHING HOT,
LUSTFUL BREATH DOWN HIS NECK.
HE IS VERY TALL,
HERR FLICK.
I SHOULD HAVE TO STAND
ON A CHAIR.
I AM REFERRING
TO HELGA.
BRING HER TO ME,
DRESSED IN HOT,
LUSTFUL CLOTHES.
MY PLEASURE,
HERR FLICK.
AND KEEP
YOUR EYES AVERTED.
YES, HERR FLICK.
MADAME, GIVE ME
YOUR DAUGHTER.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT FRENCH BEDROOM FARCE
IS THIS?
HE HAS WON MY HEART,
AND THE CAFE.
WAIT, EDITH.
JUST NOW, WHEN I WAS
CLEANING OUT THE SINK,
IT ALL CAME
FLOODING BACK.
MY HOPELESS LOVE
AND YEARNING
FOR THE ONLY WOMAN
THAT I HAVE EVER,
OR COULD EVER, LOVE.
LET THERE BE A WEDDING,
BUT LET IT BE OURS.
OH, RENE.
IF I WERE A FITTER MAN
I WOULD FIGHT YOU
FOR HER HONOR.
I SHOULD NOT BOTHER.
SHE NEVER DID.
RIGHT.
I WILL GO AND BOOK
THE REGISTRY OFFICE
FOR TOMORROW.
A CIVIL WEDDING!
AS CIVIL AS WE CAN
IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
- THE MAYOR CAN MARRY US.
- THE MAYOR?
THE OLD MAN
WITH THE GRAY HAIR.
BUT THE OLD GRAY MAYOR
IS DEAD.
THEN THE DEPUTY MAYOR
CAN HAVE THE PLEASURE.
I AM THE DEPUTY MAYOR.
IT WILL BE NO PLEASURE.
THEN YOU WILL NOT WANT
TO BE LATE FOR THE EVENT.
I SHOULD SET OFF
DOWN THE STAIRS NOW.
HELGA IS HERE.
AH, GOOD.
ENTER.
I AM READY,
HERR FLICK.
THIS TO ME DOES NOT LOOK
VERY TEASING AND TANTALIZING.
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE
A SEX MAD FRENCHMAN
FLIP HIS LID.
I HOPE YOU ARE WEARING
SOMETHING WONDERFUL
UNDERNEATH.
NO, HERR FLICK,
I AM NOT.
YOU ARE DELIBERATELY
DISOBEYING MY ORDERS.
NO.
SHOW ME.
- NO, I WILL NOT.
- WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I AM TEASING
AND TANTALIZING YOU.
I AM GOING.
STOP!
VON SMALLHOUSEN,
WHAT IS HELGA
WEARING UNDERNEATH?
I PROMISED NOT TO SAY,
BUT I TELL YOU WHAT
AN EFFECT IT HAS HAD ON ME.
THIS IS VERY CURIOUS.
SHOW ME.
AAAAAGHGHGHGHGH!
GET OUT.
NOT YOU, HELGA.
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME
TO GO AND SEE RENE?
OH, NO RUSH.
TOMORROW WILL DO.
TODAY I WILL
REHEARSE YOU.
SHOW ME YOUR TECHNIQUE.
YES, HERR FLICK.
( burlesque music plays )
MY GOD!
THREE SWASTIKAS.
AAAAGHGHGHGHGH!
HERE WE ARE, COLONEL.
THE VAN CLOMP,
THE VAN GOGH,
AND SEVERAL
PACKETS OF SPAGHETTI
TO CONCEAL THEM IN.
HOW CAN WE TELL
WHICH IS WHICH?
THE PAINTINGS TAKE LONGER
THAN 12 MINUTES ON A LOW GAS.
I LOVE A MAN
WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR.
IT WAS NOT THAT FUNNY.
THEY ARE WELL MARKED,
COLONEL.
- RENE.
- YES?
YOU MUST COME
OUTSIDE WITH ME.
I HAVE SOMETHING
VERY EXCITING TO SHOW YOU.
OH, YES.
IT IS MY BRAND NEW
BIG TANK.
WHAT A RELIEF.
HEY! WHERE'S ALL
THE BEAUTIFUL LADIES?
ALBERTO BERTORELLI
IS READY
FOR THE FUN AND THE GAMES
UP THE STAIRS.
I AM SORRY, CAPTAIN,
WE ARE A LITTLE SHORT
OF STAFF.
I LIKE THAT
LITTLE SHORT OF STAFF.
- RENE.
- ( Rene sighs )
HERE I AM.
HOW DO YOU LIKE ME?
IN SMALL DOSES.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LADY.
I FORGOT.
IT IS BAD LUCK
FOR YOU TO SEE ME
BEFORE THE WEDDING.
IT IS NOT EXACTLY
GOOD LUCK FOR ME
TO SEE YOU AFTERWARDS.
WHAT WEDDING IS THIS?
YOU MEAN HE HAS
NOT TOLD YOU?
TOLD US WHAT?
THE WONDERFUL NEWS
THAT IS MAKING HIM
THE HAPPIEST MAN
IN ALL FRANCE.
OH YES, THAT.
WE ARE GETTING
MARRIED TOMORROW.
RENE,
CONGRATULATIONS.
THAT IS INDEED
WONDERFUL NEWS.
ISN'T IT, GRUBER?
GRUBER?
I SUPPOSE FELICITATIONS
ARE IN ORDER.
I SUPPOSE SO.
I HOPE SHE WILL
MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY.
AS HAPPY AS
ANY WOMAN EVER CAN.
I MUST JUST GO AND
TICKLE MY CARBURETOR.
BEAUTIFUL LADY,
I KISS YOUR HAND.
I KISS YOUR ARM.
I KISS YOUR KISSER.
OH!
NO, CAPTAIN,
THAT IS SPOKEN FOR.
I, ALBERTO BERTORELLI,
WILL MAKE THE WEDDING
BREAKFAST.
YOU LIKE ITALIAN COOKING?
OH, VERY MUCH.
NOW, YOU TELL ME,
HAVE YOU GOT
THE BIG-A TOMATOES?
I BEG-A YOUR PARDON?
I WANT-A YOUR
BIG-A TOMATOES
FOR THE SAUCE.
OH, I SEE.
I MAKE THE BIG BOWL
OF SPAGHETTI NAPOLETANA.
COLONEL,
THE PAINTINGS!
WHAT?
NO, WAIT!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
THAT'S NOT SPAGHETTI.
IT FEEL LIKE SPAGHETTI.
IT'S DYNAMITE.
( winces )
MAMMA MIA!
OH, COLONEL,
YOU HAVE SAVED MY LIFE.
WHAT-A MISTAKE-A
TO MAKE-A.
SEE YOU LATER, EDITH.
DO NOT WAIT UP.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- OUT.
OUT? TONIGHT?
THE EVE OF OUR WEDDING?
I AM SORRY, EDITH,
BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER
IT IS MY STAG NIGHT
WITH THE BOYS.
YOU HAVE HAD
YOUR STAG NIGHT.
- WHEN?
- 25 YEARS AGO.
OH, EDITH.
BESIDES, I HAVE
PREPARED FOR YOU
A LITTLE SURPRISE.
IT CAN HARDLY BE A SURPRISE
AFTER 25 YEARS.
I SHALL BE DOING IT
YOUR FAVORITE WAY.
DOING WHAT?
FROG IN THE HOLE.
AND HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
ONE OF THOSE
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS?
EDITH, HOW CAN I GET IT
INTO YOUR THICK HEAD
THOSE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS
ARE NOT FOR NIBBLING?
THEY ARE FOR
BLOWING UP DOCKYARDS.
OH, SILLY ME.
IT IS THE THOUGHT
OF THE WEDDING.
I AM ALL OVER
THE PLACE.
YOU COOK ONE OF THOSE PUDDINGS
AND YOU WILL BE.
PSST, RENE.
DO NOT BE LONG.
BE RIGHT WITH YOU,
PIERRE.
WHO IS PIERRE?
JUST ONE OF THE BOYS.
HE'S GOING ON
OUR STAG NIGHT.
ARE YOU COMING, RENE?
RENE, WE ARE WASTING TIME.
ALL RIGHT, JACQUES.
BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.
WHAT IT IS
TO BE SO POPULAR.
MY GOD!
SHH.
IT IS I, LECLERC.
I NEVER
WOULD HAVE GUESSED.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE
A STAG NIGHT,
NOT A SHRIMPING
EXPEDITION.
THIS IS OPERATION
WATERLOO.
WE ARE DISGUISED
AS EEL FISHERMAN.
WE? YOU MEAN,
THERE IS MORE THAN
ONE OF YOU IN THAT SUIT?
PSST!
FOLLOW ME.
WHAT HO.
CHIN CHIN.
PIP PIP.
TOODLE-OO.
I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND
All:
HURRY UP. COME ON.
YOUR STAG NIGHT.
DO NOT FORGET, RENE,
I WILL BE
WAITING UP FOR YOU.
GOD, GIVE ME STRENGTH.
( singing softly )
THE PRETTY SKY--
OH.
RENE, RENE!
OH, RENE. WE HAVE
A WONDERFUL DAY FOR IT.
THE SUN IS SHINING.
OH, EDITH,
FOR GOD'S SAKE.
CURB YOUR HIGH SPIRITS.
LAST NIGHT,
JUST FOR ONE BRIEF MOMENT,
I THOUGHT WE
WERE GOING TO HAVE
A LITTLE REHEARSAL
OF OUR WEDDED BLISS.
I WAS TOO KNACKERED
FROM THE STAG NIGHT.
I MUST GO UP TO THE ROOM
OF MY MOTHER.
THIS IS A BIG DAY FOR HER.
I MUST SPEND SOME TIME
HELPING HER TO LOOK
YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL.
SHALL WE PUT EVERYTHING OFF
FOR A MONTH OR TWO?
RENE!
OOH, OOH.
- HELGA, HURRY.
- YES, HERR FLICK.
THERE HE IS.
MAKE HIM TELL YOU
WHERE THE GOLD
IS HIDDEN.
DRIVE HIM MAD
WITH LUST.
YES, HERR FLICK.
HUH? OH!
RENE,
I WONDER IF YOU COULD
DO ME A FAVOR?
THERE IS SOMETHING
I WANT.
I HAVE ALREADY GIVEN.
GOOD MOANING.
OH, GOD!
IT GETS WORSE.
BOD NOSE,
I AM AFROOD.
BOD?
VERY BOD.
LAST NIT,
IPERATION WATERLOO
WAS A COMPLOTE
AND UTTER KICK UP.
OH.
THE TEED WENT OUT
AND THE SUBMAROON
IS BITCHED ON A SANDBONK.
A MONUMENTAL KICK UP.
WE DID OUR BUST.
SOON WE CAN EXPICT
ANOTHER PARASHAT DRIP.
LONDON IS SENDING YOU
A COLLOPSABLE DONGHY.
I ALREADY HAVE
ONE OF THOSE.
AND SO GOOD CITIZENS
OF NOUVION,
THE TWO PARTIES
STANDING BEFORE ME NOW
HAVE REQUESTED
IN ACCORDANCE
WITH ARTICLE 39
OF THE LEGAL CODE
FARTY.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
ARTICLE FARTY.
IT IS BAD ENOUGH HAVING
TO MARRY THE WOMAN I LOVE
TO THE MAN I DETEST,
WITHOUT BEING TAUGHT
MY OWN BUSINESS
BY A MAN WHO MANGLES
THE LANGUAGE OF FRANCE.
I DO NOT MINGLE IT.
SILENCE!
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
BE CAREFUL
OF YOUR DICKY TICKER.
WOULD THAT I COULD
LAY MY DICKY TICKER
AT YOUR FEET.
YOU OLD FOOL,
GET ON WITH IT.
PLEASE,
LET THERE BE DECORUM.
DO YOU--
DO YOU RENE FRANCOIS--
YES, YES, YES.
DO YOU, EDITH MELBA--
YES, YES!
THEN I NOW
PRONOUNCE YOU--
AGH!
YOU ARE NOT PRONOUNCING IT
VERY WELL.
AGAIN, PLEASE!
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU
MAN AND--
AGH! DICKY TICKER.
Colonel:
THE MAN IS ILL,
TAKE HIM TO HOSPITAL.
Yvette:
LIE HIM DOWN.
GIVE HIM AIR.
IS THERE A DICTOR
IN THE HOOSE?
SPEAK TO ME!
SAY SOMETHING.
SAY "MAN AND WIFE"
FOR A START.
MONSIEUR LECLERC,
GO GET HIM SOME WATER.
WATER, RIGHT.
NO, MAKE IT BRANDY.
WHICH DO YOU WANT?
WATER OR BRANDY?
BRANDY.
I DO NOT BELIEVE
HE IS ILL AT ALL.
OF COURSE HE IS ILL
CARRY HIM BACK
TO THE CAFE.
PUT HIM IN MY BED.
EDITH, IT IS OUR BED!
LET US PRETEND
IT IS HER BED.
IT'S NOW OR NEVER
COME HOLD ME TIGHT
KISS ME MY DARLING
BE MINE TONIGHT
TOMORROW WILL BE TO LATE-- ♪
HERE, PUT HIM IN HERE!
WHAT'S GOING ON, EH?
YOU ARE TOO EARLY.
I AM NOT READY.
YOU ARE TOO FAST-A
FOR THE PASTA.
I WANT THE BEDROOM.
I WANT THE BED
OF MY EDITH.
YOU WILL GET THE BACK
OF MY HAND IN A MINUTE.
RENE, I CONGRATULATE YOU
ON YOUR REPRIEVE.
I THINK WE SHOULD
CALL FOR CHAMPAGNE.
WE SHOULD
CALL THE DOCTOR.
I DON'T LIKE
THE LOOK OF HIM.
I HAVE NEVER LIKED
THE LOOK OF HIM.
BUT THERE IS NOT A LOT
THE DOCTOR CAN DO
ABOUT THAT.
HIS HEART IS IN
A SHOCKING STATE.
I NOTICE THERE IS NOTHING
WRONG WITH HIS THROAT.
LECLERC, GO BACK
TO THE REGISTRY OFFICE,
GET THE DEPUTY MAYOR'S
LITTLE BLACK BOOK.
WE WILL
FINISH THE WEDDING HERE.
OH, HOW WONDERFUL.
TO BE MARRIED
IN MY OWN HOME.
NO, NO, NO.
A CAFE IS NOT
A PROPER PLACE
FOR SUCH A CEREMONY.
YOU HAVE ONLY TO SAY
THREE WORDS: MAN AND WIFE.
THAT IS HARDLY
A CEREMONY.
WELL, IF YOU INSIST.
I SUPPOSE I COULD DO IT
IN MY OFFICIAL CAPACITY.
WHICH APPEARS TO BE
ABOUT HALF A BOTTLE
OF BRANDY.
TAKE YOUR PLACES AGAIN.
HEY, EVERYBODY,
IT'S TIME TO EAT.
WE BEGIN WITH ALBERTO
BERTORELLI'S BIG SURPRISE.
TORTA
DI PRIMA
COLLASIONE
MATRIMONIALE!
WHAT IS HE SAYING?
THEY ARE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.
YOU CATCH ME OUT.
I CANNOT TELL A LIE.
I FOUND THEM
IN THE CELLAR.
HOW CLEVER OF YOU.
YOU STUPID WOMAN!
GET DOWN EVERYBODY!
DOWN!
OH NO. NOT MY
BEAUTIFUL NEW TANK.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I TRY TO MAKE
THE BIG IMPRESSION!
GET DOWN!
( all scream )
( theme music playing )