'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s07e04 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
YOU MAY WONDER
WHAT I AM DOING
IN THE BACK
OF AN R.A.F. PLANE
FLYING AT 10,000 FEET
DISGUISED AS A MONK.
THERE IS, OF COURSE,
A PERFECTLY NORMAL EXPLANATION.
I HAD TO LEAVE NOUVION
IN A HURRY
BECAUSE THE GERMANS
WERE GOING TO GIVE ME
A COLLABORATION MEDAL
FOR HELPING THEM
AND THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE
WERE GOING TO HAVE ME SHOT
IF I ACCEPTED IT.
AS NEITHER OF THESE TWO OPTIONS
APPEALED TO ME,
MY WAITRESS, YVETTE AND I,
DISGUISED OURSELVES AS MONKS
TO TAKE THE PLACE
OF THE TWO BRITISH AIRMEN,
WHO WERE ALSO
DISGUISED AS MONKS,
TO CATCH THIS PLANE.
AS YOU CAN SEE
WE HAVE TAKEN THEIR PLACE.
UNFORTUNATELY,
THE BEST LAID PLANS
CAN GO WRONG,
AND THIS ONE IS,
AS THEY SAY,
A REAL TURKEY.
FOR INSTEAD OF ENDING UP
WITH MY BEAUTIFUL,
VIBRANT, YOUNG YVETTE,
I FOUND MYSELF
WITH MY AIRSICK WIFE, EDITH.
AND SO THE FUTURE
IS NO LONGER AS INVITING
AS IT SHOULD BE.
HOW MUCH LONGER?
THIS AIRPLANE IS SO BUMPY.
I FEEL SICK.
IT IS YOUR OWN
FAULT, EDITH.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO STAY IN NOUVION
AND LOOK AFTER
THE CAFE.
DO NOT SCOLD ME, RENE.
THE CAFE IS IN GOOD HANDS.
WHOSE?
MAMMA AND MONSIEUR LECLERC'S.
OH MY GOD.
THAT'S LIKE PUTTING
A COUPLE OF WINOS
IN CHARGE
OF A DISTILLERY.
MAMMA IS A VERY
RESPONSIBLE PERSON.
SHE KNOWS ALL ABOUT
RUNNING A BAR.
SHE KNOWS ALL ABOU
EMPTYING ONE.
AND MONSIEUR LECLERC
IS GOOD AT ACCOUNTS.
HE WAS A BOOKKEEPER.
HE WAS A BOOKMAKER.
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.
HE WILL PROBABLY PUT
ALL THE TAKINGS
ON THE 2:15 AT LONGCHAMP
IF HE GETS THE CHANCE.
DO NOT WORRY, RENE,
WE ARE TOGETHER,
AND YOU ARE SAFE,
AND WE SHALL START
A NEW LIFE IN ENGLAND.
THEY ARE GETTING
THE FLYING ACES.
THEY WILL NOT BE
TOO PLEASED
WHEN THEY FIND OUT
WHO WE ARE.
BUT YOU ARE THE HERO
OF THE RESISTANCE!
THEY SHOULD BE PROUD
TO GIVE YOU SANCTUARY.
NEVERTHELESS, I DO
NOT THINK WE SHOULD
MENTION THE ERROR
UNTIL WE ARE SAFELY
ON THE GROUND.
SHH, ONE OF THEM
IS COMING.
PRETTY HAIRY
TAKE OFF, WHAT!
SO, YOU'RE CARSTAIRS
AND FAIRFAX.
I'M TIGGER THOMPSON.
WHICH ONE OF YOU
IS CARSTAIRS?
FLOF FLOF FLOF FLOF.
DAMN BRAVE CHAP.
AND YOU MUST
BE FAIRFAX.
RAH RAH RAH RAH.
MY GOD, FAIRFAX,
YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.
DID THEY TORTURE YOU?
OH, RAH RAH RAH RAH.
OH, THE SWINE.
CARSTAIRS LOOKS GHASTLY
AND POOR OLD FAIRFAX
LOOKS ABOUT 110.
WHAT'S MORE,
HE'S WEARING LIPSTICK
AND PERFUME.
Airman #2:
THEY OBVIOUSLY HAVEN'T
BROKEN HIS SPIRIT THEN.
SOON HAVE YOU
BACK IN BLIGHTY,
CHAPS.
- FLOF FLOF FLOF FLOF.
- RAH RAH RAH RAH.
I AM REVITALIZED
BY THIS JOB, ERNEST.
I FEEL 10 YEARS YOUNGER,
AS IF I AM
FLOATING ON AIR.
I AM NOT SURPRISED,
YOU HAVE NEARLY
EMPTIED THE BOTTLE.
DID YOU REMEMBER
TO BRING UP
THE CRATES OF CHAMPAGNE
FROM THE CELLAR
FOR OUR CELEBRATION?
YES, BUT WHAT ARE
WE CELEBRATING?
WELL, WHAT DAY
IS IT TODAY?
- WEDNESDAY.
- THAT WILL DO.
AH, YOU LAZY GIRLS,
YOU HAVE MISSED A BIT
HERE AND THERE, TOO.
DO IT AGAIN.
AND YOU WILL
KEEP ON DOING IT,
UNTIL I AM SATISFIED!
( huffs )
MADAME FANNY
HAS TURNED INTO
A RIGHT OLD TYRAN
SINCE RENE LEFT.
SHE TREATS US
LIKE SLAVES.
I ONLY HOPE
HE IS SAFE IN LONDON.
SO DO I.
BUT NO ONE MUST KNOW
HE HAS GONE THERE.
- MY LIPS ARE SEALED.
- SO ARE MINE.
HOW I WISH
I COULD HAVE
GONE WITH HIM.
I WISH THE SAME
FOR ME.
IF I HAD GONE WITH HIM,
HE WOULD BE HAVING
A GOOD TIME.
HE WOULD BE HAVING
AN EVEN BETTER TIME
WITH ME.
HA! WHAT DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT MEN?
I AM RENOWNED
FOR REFRESHING THE PARTS
THAT OTHER WOMEN MISS.
YOU?
YOU CANNOT EVEN
REACH THOSE PARTS.
HOW DARE YOU?
( both shrieking )
STOP IT! STOP IT!
I WILL NOT HAVE
THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR
FROM MY STAFF.
YOUR STAFF?
YES. I AM IN CHARGE.
WE ANSWER ONLY TO RENE.
RENE WILL NOT BE BACK
TILL THE WAR IS OVER.
TILL THEN YOU WILL DO
AS I SAY
OR YOU WILL BE
BACK ON THE STREETS
WHERE YOU BELONG.
DO NOT BE CHEEKY.
ARE THE CHAPS HERE,
FARKINGTON?
THERE'S BEEN A COCK-UP,
I'M AFRAID, SIR.
IT SEEMS OUR CHAPS
PICKED UP
THE WRONG TWO MONKS.
WELL, ACTUALLY,
IT'S A MONK
AND A MONKESS.
WHAT BEASTLY LUCK.
- WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
- OUTSIDE, SIR.
LET'S SEE WHAT THEY HAVE
GOT TO SAY FOR THEMSELVES.
IN HERE.
THERE'S A CHAPPIE ON HIS WAY
OVER FROM INTELLIGENCE
TO DEBRIEF THEM.
LET'S HAVE A CRACK AT THEM
BEFORE HE ARRIVES.
NOW LOOK, YOU TWO,
WHAT WERE YOU DOING
GETTING ON THAT AIRPLANE?
WHAT DID HE SAY, RENE?
I DO NOT SPEAK OF WORD
OF THE LANGUAGE.
BLIGHTERS DON'T SEEM
HOW'S YOUR FRENCH,
FARKERS?
RUSTY, SIR,
BUT I'LL GIVE IT A BASH.
GOOD MOANING.
WE WOULD LIK TO KNEE
WOTE YOU WERE DEEING
IN THE BICK
OF THE EARCRAFT?
OH MY GOD,
CAN NONE OF THEM
SPEAK FRENCH
PROPERLY?
I DON'T THINK
HE GOT MY GIST, SIR.
TRY AGAIN.
ARE YOU ROLLY MINKS,
OR ARE YOU IN DISGEESE?
- DID YOU GET THAT, RENE?
- TO ME IT SOUNDS LIKE
THE RAVINGS
OF A MAD PARROT.
IT'S NO USE, SIR,
IF ONLY MY OLD CHUM
CRABTREE WERE HERE--
WHY, HE SPEAKS
FLUENT FRENCH.
( intercom buzzes )
The interpreter from
military intelligence
- has arrived, sir.
- THANK YOU, PENELOPE.
SEND HIM IN.
KLOP-- OOPS!
( in British accent )
SORRY, CHAPS, OLD HABIT.
RATHER THROWN BY SIGHT
OF OLD CHUMS.
RENE, IT IS
CAPTAIN HANS GEERING.
I CANNOT BELIEVE
MY EYES.
- YOU KNOW THESE TWO?
- CAFE CHAPPIE AND WIFE
FROM NOUVION
WHERE I WAS STATIONED.
BE GOOD FELLOWS,
GIVE ME FIVE WITH THEM.
RIGHT, COME ON,
FARKINGTON.
LET'S HOPE THEY'VE GOT
A DAMN GOOD EXPLANATION
FOR THIS GHASTLY MESS.
( German accent )
RENE! OH!
MADAME EDITH!
OH, I HAVE A LUMP
IN MY THROAT,
AND SUDDENLY
THE MEMORIES OF NOUVION
HAVE FLOODED BACK.
OH, I MUST SIT DOWN.
( blows nose )
CAPTAIN GEERING,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THAT UNIFORM?
ARE YOU SPYING
FOR THE GERMANS?
YOU CANNOT ASK QUESTIONS
LIKE THAT, EDITH.
WHAT IF SOMEBODY
IS LISTENING AT
THE KEYHOLE?
OF COURSE,
HOW FOOLISH OF ME.
IF YOU ARE, JUST WINK.
NO, I HAVE BECOME
OH, YOU POOR MAN.
WAS IT PAINFUL?
HE MEANS HE IS
NOW ONE OF THEM.
WELL, AFTER THAT
I AM NOT SURPRISED.
RENE IS CORRECT.
I AM NOW A CITIZEN
AND AM WORKING FOR THEM
AS AN OFFICER IN INTELLIGENCE.
( chuckles )
WOULDN'T THE COLONEL
BE SURPRISED?
HE WOULD BE AMAZED!
THE LAST WE HEARD OF YOU
WAS ON THE RADIO
WHEN THE RESISTANCE
SPIRITED YOU AWAY
TO ENGLAND.
A LOT OF WARM BEER
HAS FLOWED
UNDER MY BRIDGE
SINCE THEN.
I SPENT THREE MONTHS
BEING BRAINWASHED
BY THEIR BEST MEN,
BURGESS AND MACLEAN.
SO YOU SWAPPED SIDES?
WELL, I DID NOT FANCY
A PRISON CAMP,
NOT AFTER THE OTHER ONE
I ACCIDENTALLY FOUND
MYSELF IN WITH YOU.
SWAPPING SIDES IS NOTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF.
I AM NOT ASHAMED.
I GET FIVE POUNDS PER WEEK,
FREE LODGINGS AND A ONE-WAY
TICKET TO SOUTH AMERICA
IF MY LOT GET AS FAR
AS MARBLE ARCH.
COULD YOU,
IN YOUR EXALTED POSITION,
PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR US,
CAPTAIN GEERING?
I DO NOT HAVE TO.
BEING IN INTELLIGENCE,
I KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS SUSPECTED.
YOU ARE NIGHTHAWK,
HERO OF THE RESISTANCE.
I MUST SAY YOU HAD ME
COMPLETELY FOOLED.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE
JUST A BUMBLING OLD PEASANT.
THANK YOU.
AND YOU WERE DOING IT
RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES.
WHAT FOOLS YOU MADE
OF THE COLONEL
- AND THE REST OF US!
- OH, PLEASE DO NOT BE CROSS.
WE WERE UNWILLING PAWNS
OF FATE.
OVER HERE YOU ARE HEROES.
I AM SORRY WE WILL NOT BE ABLE
TO SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER
BEFORE YOU GO BACK.
GO BACK? OH NO,
WE CANNOT GO BACK.
NO, IT IS OUT
OF THE QUESTION!
WE SHOULD BE SHOT
AS COLLABORATORS
OR HE WILL.
WE WILL CONTACT THE RESISTANCE
AND STRAIGHTEN THINGS OUT.
DO NOT WORRY,
YOU ARE WITH FRIENDS.
NOW PLEASE SIT ON THE CHAIRS
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DESK
WHILE I DO MY STUFF.
( clearing throat )
NOW, TELL-- OH!
TELL ME IN EVERY DETAIL
WHAT HAPPENED
AND HOW YOU GOT HERE,
LEAVING OUT NOTHING.
NEVER TAKING YOUR EYES
OFF MINE FOR A SECOND
SO THAT I MAY ASSESS THAT
EVERY WORD YOU TELL ME
IS THE TRUTH.
WELL, UH
AS ONE FRIEND
TO ANOTHER,
IT IS LIKE THIS
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
LIAR!
HOW AM I DOING SO FAR?
YOU'VE GOT
MY ADRENALINE GOING.
Older man:
TELL INTELLIGENCE
I WOULD LIKE TO MEET
THIS FRENCHMAN
WHO SAVED MY BACON.
HE MUST BE
A REMARKABLE MAN INDEED,
AND REMARKABLE MEN
SHOULD GET TOGETHER
TO DISCUSS
THE REMARKABLE THINGS
THAT ARE HAPPENING
IN THESE REMARKABLE TIMES.
I AM SORRY
I HAD TO SOUND SEVERE.
IT'S ALL PART OF THE JOB
AND YOU NEVER KNOW
WHO IS LISTENING
AT THE KEYHOLE.
TEA FOR THREE,
AND DON'T BE MINGY
WITH THE BISCUITS.
I SAY, ARE YOU
GETTING ANYWHERE,
CAPTAIN?
- ABSOLUTELY, OLD BEAN.
- WHAT HAPPENED?
IT SEEMS THERE WAS
A JOLLY OLD COCK-UP FROG SIDE.
THE OLD CRATE CAME DOWN
BANG IN THE JOLLY OLD FIELD,
BUT THE DASHED AIRMEN
HAD GONE A.W.O.L.
THESE TWO CAME
TO TELL OUR CHAPS
AND GOT DRAGGED ON BOARD.
SO THAT EXPLAINS IT.
WELL THEN, WHO ARE THESE
TWO MONKEY PEOPLE?
SEEMS HE'S NIGHTHAWK.
KEY RESISTANCE JOHNNY
IN FRANCE.
I SAY, LET ME SHAKE
YOUR HAND, OLD CHAP.
DAMN BRAVE, WHAT.
WHAT'S HE SAYING, RENE?
I EXPECT HE IS SAYING
HOW DAMN BRAVE I AM.
P.M. WANTS TO SEE HIM
AT NUMBER 10 P-D-Q.
SURELY NOT IN
THOSE CLOTHES, SIR?
WELL, SURELY YOU HAD
SOME CIVVIES STANDING BY
FOR FAIRFAX AND CARSTAIRS?
YES SIR,
WE'VE GOT THESE.
THERE'S NO TIME TO LOSE.
THEY'LL HAVE TO DO.
CAPTAIN, WILL YOU TELL
THESE FRENCHIES
WE ARE GOING TO SEE THE P.M.
AND HE WILL PROBABLY
GIVE THEM A MEDAL?
CHURCHILL IS PROBABLY
GOING TO GIVE YOU A MEDAL.
MAY I SAY HOW HAPPY I AM
TO GIVE YOU THIS NEWS?
OH MY GOD, NO,
NOT A MEDAL.
- NO, NO, PLEASE.
- WHAT DID HE SAY?
HE IS ALMOST SPEECHLESS
WITH EXCITEMENT.
GOOD MORNING, COLONEL,
LIEUTENANT, CAPTAIN.
GOOD MORNING, YVETTE.
WE ARE LOOKING FOR RENE.
HE IS NOT HERE,
I AM AFRAID.
WELL, WHERE IS HE?
WE HAVE BEEN LOOKING
EVERYWHERE FOR HIM.
HE SAID HE HAD
JOINED THE MONASTERY,
BUT HE IS NOT THERE.
ALL WE FIND WERE
A BUNCH OF THE MONKEYS
IN THE LONG DRESSES.
I THINK HE CHANGED
HIS MIND
ABOUT BECOMING
A MONK,
THE ROBES
WERE TOO TICKLY.
I NOT SURPRISED.
WITH BEAUTIFUL LADIES
LIKE YOU AROUND,
ONLY THE FRUITCAKE
GO INTO THE MONASTERY.
OH, THANK YOU CAPTAIN,
- WHAT A CHARMER.
- YEAH, AND HOW SICKENING.
NOTHING HAS HAPPENED TO RENE
HAS IT, YVETTE?
HE SAID THREATS
HAD BEEN MADE AGAINST HIM.
HE'S NOT HIDING
IN SOME COLD PLACE,
ALONE AND FRIENDLESS?
I COULD NOT BEAR IT.
OH NO, LIEUTENANT.
HE HAS JUST GONE AWAY
FOR A FEW DAYS.
- ( plays note )
- MI MI MI MI
( Fanny warbles )
- WHAT IS MADAME FANNY DOING?
- SHE PLANS TO SING TONIGHT.
SHE IS JUST WARMING UP
HER TONSILS.
IT SOUNDS MORE LIKE
SHE'S OVERHEATING.
DO YOU REQUIRE A TABLE
FOR THIS EVENING?
YES, BUT A LONG WAY
FROM THE PIANO.
AND MAKE SURE THERE IS
PLENTY OF CHEESE
FOR OUR EARS.
I MUST LUBRICATE
MY VOCAL CORDS.
( gargles )
( shrilling )
I THINK IT HAS
DONE THE TRICK.
GOOD MOANING.
GOOD MOANING.
I HAVE SOME BOD NOSE
FOR YOU.
I HAVE HAD A MASSAGE
FROM ONGLAND.
RONNIE IS OVA THERE.
NO? IS HE SAFE?
AND ARE HIS PIECES
IN ONE?
I PRESUME SUE,
BUT THERE HAS BEEN
AN ALMOTEY KICK-UP.
HE AND MODOM EDITH
SIMHOW GOT ON THE EARCRAFT
INSTEAD OF
THE BROTISH EARMAN.
MICHELLE IS LOVID
WITH INGER.
BUT THANK HEAVENS
HE IS SAFE.
MICHELLE HAS ARROONGED
TO SPOKE TO HIM
ON THE ROODIO
AT FARTEEN HONDRID EARS.
WHAT HAS HAPPENED
TO THE BRITISH AIRMEN?
WE DO NOT KNEE,
BUT I AM GOING
TO LICK FOR THEM
ON MY BURCYCLE.
IF THE NITZIS FIND THEM,
WE COULD BE UP THE CRICK
WITHOUT A PIDDLE.
THAT IS BAD NOSE.
I SAY, CARSTAIRS,
I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED
TO THAT AIRPLANE FROM BLIGHTY?
DON'T KNOW, OLD BOY.
MUST HAVE
MISSED IT SOMEHOW.
WELL, WE'LL JUST
HAVE TO KIP DOWN HERE
UNTIL SOMEONE FINDS US.
I HOPE THEY HURRY UP,
I'M STARVING.
WELL--
"NEEDS MUST WHEN
THE DEVIL DRIVES."
CAN'T BE ANY WORSE
THAN THE GRUB AT THE CAFE.
ENTER.
THESE ARE
THE TWO FRENCH
RESISTANCE FIGHTERS
YOU ASKED TO SEE,
PRIME MINISTER.
THEY DON'T LOOK
VERY FRENCH TO ME.
MORE LIKE LAUREL
AND HARDY.
WE HAD
TO GIVE THEM
NEW CLOTHES,
PRIME MINISTER.
WHEN THEY ARRIVED,
ALL THEY HAD
WERE FILTHY
OLD HABITS.
THAT'S TYPICAL
OF THE FRENCH.
HE LOOKS VERY TIRED.
IT IS ALL THAT BLOOD,
SWEAT, TOIL, AND TEARS.
NOT TO MENTION
THE WHISKEY.
TELL THEM, I'M VERY
GRATEFUL TO THEM.
FOILING THE PLOT
TO KIDNAP ME
WAS A MOST
COURAGEOUS ACT.
I HAVE THEIR MEDALS HERE.
HE HAS THE MEDALS FOR YOU.
OH, NO, THAT IS
THE LAST THING WE WANT.
REFUSE THEM,
CAPTAIN GEERING,
PLEASE.
WHAT WAS THAT, CAPTAIN?
THEY ARE DELIGHTED,
PRIME MINISTER.
YOU CANNOT
REFUSE THEM.
HE MAY HAVE YOU
SHOT AS TRAITORS.
HERE ARE THE CITATIONS.
R. ARTOYZ, E. ARTOYZ,
FOR GALLANTRY ABOVE
THE CALL OF DUTY.
BROTHERS ARE THEY?
NO, THEY'RE MARRIED,
PRIME MINISTER.
VERY ODD BEDFELLOWS,
THE FRENCH.
NO, SIR,
THIS ONE'S A WOMAN.
I'LL TAKE
YOUR WORD FOR IT.
COME HERE.
IT IS PEOPLE LIKE YOU,
BRAVE, LOYAL ALLIES,
FIGHTING ON THE BEACHES,
IN THE FIELDS,
ON THE STREETS
AND IN THE HILLS,
WHO ARE KEEPING
THE FREE WORLD SAFE
FROM THE SHADOW
OF THE NAZI JACKBOOT.
I GIVE YOU THESE MEDALS,
FROM A GRATEFUL
BRITISH PEOPLE,
IN RECOGNITION OF YOUR WORK
FOR THE RESISTANCE.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
YOU'RE A HERO.
THANK YOU.
I'M GETTING QUITE
A COLLECTION.
I WILL PIN IT ON MYSELF,
MR. CHURCHILL.
CAPTAIN,
SHOW THEM THE SIGHTS
AND TAKE THEM FOR TEA
ON EXPENSES.
YES, PRIME MINISTER.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I MUST GET ON
WITH THE WAR.
THAT'S IT. HE HAS TO
GET ON WITH THE WAR.
( snoring )
I THINK IT COULD BE
A VERY LONG ONE.
YOU ARE NOT
PEDALING EVENLY,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
I'M SORRY, HERR FLICK.
HOW CAN
I MAKE POTS,
IF THE WHEEL DOES
NOT TURN EVENLY?
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU
HAVE MADE ME DO.
MY POT HAS GONE ALL WOBBLY.
I WAS CONCENTRATING
ON MY PETIT POINT.
IT IS GOING VERY WELL.
OH, DEAR, I HAVE
STITCHED IT TO MY HABIT.
I WILL TELL THE ABBOT,
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
AND HE WILL PUT YOU IN
SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.
I DO NOT MIND.
I FIND THE PEACE
AND QUIET REFRESHING.
IN THAT CASE, YOU WILL
REMAIN HERE WITH ME.
- ( knocking )
- ENTER!
WHAT CAN WE DO
FOR YOU, SISTER?
IT IS I, HELGA.
HELGA?!
YOU HAVE NOT BECOME
A NUN, HAVE YOU?
NO,
I HAD TO DISGUISE
MYSELF TO GET IN.
ORDINARY WOMEN
ARE FORBIDDEN,
IN CASE THEY
CORRUPT THE MONKS.
I ALWAYS SAY,
A LITTLE BIT OF WHAT
YOU FANCY DOES YOU GOOD.
HAVE YOU LOCATED
THE BRITISH AIRMEN YET?
NO, IT IT NOT VERY EASY.
WELL, COULD YOU NOT
EAVESDROP AND SEE
IF ANY OF THE MONKS
THIS IS A SILENT ORDER.
EXCEPT AFTER
THE CHEESE AND ONION SOUP.
DID YOU GET THE NOTE
WE SMUGGLED OUT,
ATTACHED TO THE STRAY DOG,
THAT I REMEMBERED YOU
HAD ONCE THROWN A BONE TO--
WHICH I ASSUMED WOULD SEEK
YOU OUT FOR ANOTHER NIBBLE?
NO,
BUT I DID SEE YOU
SWINGING
ON THE BELL ROPE,
THROUGH MY BINOCULARS,
AND ASSUMED YOU MUST
BE SUFFERING
GREAT PRIVATION
IN THE CAUSE OF DUTY,
AND IN CONSEQUENCE,
I HAVE BROUGHT YOU
SOME SUSTENANCE.
HERE IS THE BREAD
FOR THE SANDWICHES.
WHAT IS THERE
TO PUT BETWEEN THEM?
I HAVE BROUGHT
A SALAMI.
HELGA,
IN MY CURRENT STATE
OF NOOKY DEPRIVATION,
THE SIGHT OF YOUR GARTER
DRIVES ME WILD.
MAY I KISS YOU,
HERR FLICK?
A NOTICE
WARNS OF
SEVERE PENALTIES
SHOULD ANY KISSING
TAKE PLACE
WITHIN THESE WALLS.
AM I NOT
WORTH THE RISK?
LET US TRY AND SEE.
THE ANSWER IS NO.
QUICK, IT IS
NEARLY TIME.
Rene:
Hello, Nighthawk,
this is er,
Nighthawk calling
from London. Over.
HELLO, NIGHTHAWK.
THIS IS BLUE TIT.
RECEIVING YOU
LOUD AND CLEAR. OVER.
Hello, Blue Tit,
I, too, can hear you
very loud and clear. Over.
WHAT WENT WRONG
WITH THE PLAN?
We were dragged
onto the plane
by mistake.
They thought we were
the airmen. Over.
WHERE ARE
THE AIRMEN NOW?
Are they not
with you? Over.
WOULD I BE ASKING
IF THEY WERE?
OFFICER CRABTREE HAS SEARCHED
THE WHOLE COUNTRYSIDE FOR THEM.
I HAVE LICKED EVERYWHERE
ON MY BURCYCLE,
BUT THEY HAVE VINISHED
INTO THON EAR.
I HAVE BURCYCLED SO MUCH,
I'VE GOT A SORE BIM.
Well, I do not know
where they are. Over.
NIGHTHAWK,
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
YOU MUST RETURN IMMEDIATELY
TO SORT THIS OUT.
Edith:
This is Mrs. Nighthawk.
IT IS MADAME EDITH.
I would like
to speak to Mamma.
SHE HAS PASSED OUT
ON THE BED,
WITH A BOTTLE OF GIN.
Who is looking
after the till?
MONSIEUR LECLERC
IS IN THE BAR,
GIVING FREE DRINKS
TO ALL HIS OLD PALS.
He will ruin
the business!
We shall return tonight.
Over and out.
Edith:
IT WAS VERY GOOD OF YOU
TO TAKE US SHOPPING,
CAPTAIN GEERING.
NOT AT ALL,
MADAME EDITH.
OH IT IS ALL
ON GOVERNMENT EXPENSES.
AND I LOVE THIS DRESS.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT DO THINK,
RENE?
IT WAS A LONG WAY
TO COME
JUST TO GO TO
MARKS AND SPENCERS.
YOU WERE VERY PLEASED
WITH YOUR Y-FRONTS.
PLEASE, NOT HERE.
WE CANNOT HAVE YOU COMING
TO LYONS CORNER HOUSE
IN A MAN'S SUIT,
MADAME EDITH.
SO THIS IS
LYONS CORNER HOUSE.
OH, IT IS VERY NICE.
DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN,
CAPTAIN?
OH, YES,
I HAVE SOMETHING
OF A SWEET TOOTH.
BUT IT IS NOT
THE SAME AS FRANCE.
HOW I MISS
THE SMELL OF THE DRAINS,
AND HAIR OIL,
AND THEY CAN'T MAKE
STRUDEL HERE FOR TOFFEE.
BUT MOST OF ALL, MADAME EDITH,
I MISS YOUR COOKING.
THINGS MUST BE
VERY BAD OVER HERE.
ALSO, I HAVE--
A LITTLE THING GOING
WITH ONE OF
THE WAITRESSES HERE.
HER NAME IS ETHEL.
SHE'S A NIPPY.
IS SHE JAPANESE?
NO, NO,
THEY MOVE SO FAST,
THAT'S WHAT
THEY CALL THEM.
I HOPE SHE'S BETTER LOOKING
THAN THAT ONE OVER THERE.
THAT'S HER.
OH. NOW THAT I GIVE
HER A SECOND LOOK,
I SEE SHE DOES HAVE
CERTAIN QUALITIES.
YOU'LL LIKE HER.
COULD WE HAVE
THE SPECIAL PLEASE,
ETHEL?
THESE WAS LEFTOVER
FROM A CUSTOMER
WHAT GOT TIRED OF WAITING,
SO YOU'RE IN LUCK.
WILL I, ER
WILL I SEE YOU
LATER, ETHEL?
OOOH, IF YOU LIKE.
I'M OFF THIS EVENING.
I'LL COME ROUND
AND KNOCK YOU UP
AT ABOUT 8:00.
( laughs hysterically )
SUCH A STRANGE
SENSE OF HUMOR,
HAVE THESE
WHAT HAS DIED
ON THIS HEATED BREAD?
TODAY'S SPECIAL.
MUSHROOM STALKS
ON TOAST.
DELICIOUS!
APART FROM WHICH,
EVERYTHING ELSE
IS OFF.
- IT ALWAYS IS.
- MUSHROOM STALKS?
WHAT DO THEY DO WITH
THE REST OF THE MUSHROOMS?
GRIND THEM UP
TO MAKE TEA,
IF THIS IS
ANYTHING TO GO BY.
YOU MEAN YOU HAVE
TO LIVE ON THIS FOOD?
IT'S DELICIOUS.
IT'S VERY TASTY.
AND GREAT GERMANY IS
SUCCESSFULLY BLOCKING
THE ALLIES' SUPPLY LINES,
WHICH ARE STRETCHED
TO BREAKING POINT,
BY OUR GLORIOUS MEN
IN THE UNDERSEA BOATENS,
AS THEY BLOW THEM
OUT OF THE WATER.
OOPS! WHAT AM I SAYING?
YOU KNOW, EDITH,
I WISH I WERE COMING HOME
WITH YOU TONIGHT.
OH, WHAT A LOVELY
THING TO SAY.
AFTER EATING HERE,
EVEN YOUR FOOD TASTES
LIKE CORDON BLEU.
I'M AFRAID
I MUST GO, RENE.
MAMMA AND MONSIEUR LECLERC
ARE RUINING THE BUSINESS.
I WILL SEND YOU
GOOD LUCK MESSAGES,
FROM TIME TO TIME,
ON THE RADIO.
- ( siren sounds )
- LISTEN, AN AIR RAID.
OUR GLORIOUS AIR FORCE,
WHOSE BRAVE PILOTS
DEFIED THE MIGHT
OF THE FEW,
HAVE COME TO BLOW THE PANTS OFF
THE BRITISH IMPERIALISTS.
OOPS! I MUST GO
FOR SOME MORE BRAINWASHING.
QUICK, TO THE SHELTERS.
EVENING, YVETTE.
GOOD EVENING,
COLONEL.
YOUR TABLE
IS OVER HERE.
IS THERE ANY WORD
FROM RENE, YVETTE?
NO, BUT WE EXPECT HIM
BACK SHORTLY.
OH, GOOD,
BECAUSE WE HAVE TO REPORT
PERSONS MISSING
MORE THAN 24 HOURS
TO THE GENERAL.
AFTER THAT,
THEY ARE SUBJECT
TO ARREST
AND INTERROGATION.
ALSO THEIR FRIENDS
AND ACQUAINTANCES.
THIS INCLUDES
THE STAFF HERE.
SO YOU SEE, IT IS
RATHER SERIOUS.
ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'
KNOW HIS WHEREABOUTS?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
- NOR THOSE OF HIS WIFE?
- I KNOW NOTHING.
I THINK SHE TELL
THE TRUTH.
HERE, LET ME
BUY YOU A DRINK.
OH, NOT AT THE MOMENT,
THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.
OKEY-DOKEY.
I GIVE YOU ONE LATER.
I SOMETIMES WONDER WHAT
YOU ARE DOING IN THIS WAR.
TRYING TO GET A PIECE
OF THE ACTION.
NEARLY THERE.
JUST STAND
IN THE MIDDLE,
AND WATCH FOR
THE GREEN LIGHT.
ALL RIGHT?
TIME TO GO.
IT HAS BEEN WONDERFUL
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
IN A WAY I WISH
I WAS GOING WITH YOU,
BUT THAT WOULD NOT
BE A GOOD IDEA.
IT IS VERY GOOD OF YOU BOTH
TO COME AND SEE ME OFF.
RENE,
WILL YOU NOT
CHANGE YOUR MIND?
I CANNOT, MY LOVE.
I AM NOT WEARING
A PARACHUTE.
I DO NOT WANT TO GET SHOT.
MY HEART WILL BEAT
IN TIME WITH YOURS,
ALTHOUGH I AM
IN A FOREIGN LAND, FAR AWAY,
WHILE YOU FIGHT
FOR FREEDOM.
OH, HOW BEAUTIFULLY PUT.
OH, GOODBYE, RENE.
I WILL GIVE YOUR BEST
TO THE GIRLS.
AND DO NOT FORGET--
HALF THE PORTRAIT
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBS IS--
AARGHH!
OOPS.
OH, RENE,
I KNEW YOU WOULD
CHANGE YOUR MIND.
YOU WERE STANDING
ON MY FOOT.
WE WILL KILL THEM
WITH THIS
CABARET NUMBER.
NOW CAN YOU
REMEMBER THE WORDS?
I LIKE TO GO
AWANDERING
WITH A SUITCASE
IN MY HAND.
NO, NO, NO.
"A KNAPSACK
ON YOUR BACK."
OH, DO TRY TO GET
IT RIGHT, ERNEST,
OR IT WILL BE A DISASTER.
NOW THAT EDITH HAS GONE,
MY CAREER IS
ABOUT TO BLOSSOM.
IF YOU GO ON
WATERING IT LIKE THAT,
IT WILL WILT.
I AM READY.
NOTHING CAN STOP
MY BIG COMEBACK NOW.
( glass shattering )
24 HOURS ARE UP,
COLONEL.
WE SHALL HAVE TO
ARREST RENE ON SIGHT.
I WILL LET YOU DO IT.
IS THAT AN ORDER?
IT IS NOW.
( piano intro plays )
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT,
I GIVE YOU
"THE WANDERING YODELERS."
MY GOD,
IT'S RENE.
HE'S BACK!
AND SHOWING
A VERY NICE LEG.
YOU KEEP SINGING,
I WILL YODEL MY WAY
DOWN THE BACK PASSAGE,
AND MAKE A RUN FOR IT.
I LOVE TO GO
AWANDERING
ALONG THE MOUNTAIN TRACK
AND AS I GO
I LOVE TO SING
MY KNAPSACK
ON MY BACK
- VALDER-EE
- YODEL-ODEL-EE
- VALDER-AA
- YODEL-ODEL-OO
- VALDER-AA
- YODEL-ODEL-EE
AH, SO THERE'S THE PEASAN
I RECOMMENDED FOR
THE COLLABORATION MEDAL.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
HE WAS MISSING!
HE WAS!
SILENCE!
YODEL-ODEL--
I HAVE BAD NEWS
FOR YOU.
BERLIN DID NOT ACCEPT
MY RECOMMENDATION.
BLOWING UP A MINOR
TROUBLEMAKING GENERAL
BY ACCIDENT
DOES NOT CONSTITUTE
A SUFFICIENT DEGREE
OF COLLABORATION.
YOU MUST TRY TO DO BETTER
NEXT TIME, PEASANT.
I WILL DO MY BEST.
WELL, NOW THAT I'M HERE,
I MIGHT AS WELL ENJOY
A CONVIVIAL EVENING.
CARRY ON.
- VALDER-EE
- YODEL-ODEL-EE
- VALDER-AA
- YODEL-ODEL-AA
- VALDER-EE
- YODEL-ODEL-EE
ON SECOND THOUGHT,
I WILL ENJOY A MUCH
MORE CONVIVIAL EVENING
ALONE AT MY CHATEAU.
WITH A KNAPSACK
ON MY BACK.
( theme music playing )