'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s07e05 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
AT LAST EVERYTHING IS BACK
TO NORMAL HERE IN NOUVION,
OR AS NORMAL AS POSSIBLE.
I AND MY WIFE, EDITH,
HAVE RETURNED SAFELY
FROM OUR TRIP TO LONDON,
WHERE WE HAD FLED
TO AVOID BEING SHOT
BY THE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE,
WHO WERE CROSS
THAT I WAS TO BE GIVEN
A COLLABORATION MEDAL
BY THE GERMANS.
FORTUNATELY FOR US,
THE GERMANS DECIDED
NOT TO GIVE ME THE MEDAL,
SO MY LIFE
IS NOT IN DANGER.
I DID NOT ENJOY
MY SHORT TIME IN ENGLAND.
I STILL HAVE INDIGESTION
FROM THE TERRIBLE FOOD,
PLUS SEVERAL PAIRS
OF Y-FRONTS,
FROM THE MARKS
AND SPENCERS
WHICH I SOON FOUND
ARE A SIZE TOO SMALL.
BUT THEN I SHOULD NOT
BE SURPRISED.
MY WIFE CHOSE THEM
AND SHE HAS ALWAYS
UNDERESTIMATED
MY REQUIREMENTS.
O-O-OH,
RENE, I HAVE NOT YET
HAD A PROPER CHANCE
TO WELCOME YOU BACK.
THIS WOULD BE
A GOOD MOMENT.
OH!
OH, RENE, I WAS SO
WORRIED ABOUT YOU
ON YOUR DANGEROUS TRIP
TO ENGLAND.
I LOOK INTO YOUR EYES,
AND I SEE HOW MUCH
YOU HAVE SUFFERED
FROM THE JOURNEY.
IT WAS TRAVELING
IN THOSE TIGHT Y-FRONTS,
BUT I AM RECOVERING.
OH, RENE,
MY LOVE FOR YOU
IS LIKE A FEVER.
CAN YOU NOT FEEL
I HAVE GONE LIMP
ALL OVER?
I HOPE IT IS
NOTHING CONTAGIOUS.
RENE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HOLDING THAT SERVANT GIRL
IN YOUR ARMS?
YOU STUPID WOMAN!
CAN YOU NOT SEE
THIS POOR CHILD
IS SUFFERING
FROM DELAYED SHOCK?
SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD
LOST YOU FOREVER.
ME?
YES, YOU.
YOU ARE LIKE
A MOTHER TO HER.
SHE MODELS
HERSELF ON YOU.
IF SHE HAD
STRINGIER HAIR,
SHE WOULD
DO IT LIKE YOURS.
AND NOW
YOU ARE BACK,
SHE IS OVERCOME
WITH EMOTION
AND RELIEF.
OH, THIS IS TRUE.
OH, HOW THOUGHTLESS I AM.
GO UP AND LIE DOWN
ON MY BED,
AND PUT A DROP
OF MY COLOGNE
ON YOUR BROW.
OH, THANK YOU,
MAMMA,
I MEAN
MADAM EDITH.
OH, RENE,
FORGIVE ME.
I AM NOT MYSELF TODAY.
MY BUNION IS
GIVING ME GYP.
IT ALWAYS HAPPENS
WHEN I AM UNDER A STRAIN.
OH, RENE, HOLD ME.
HOBBLE HERE FOR A HUG,
COME ON.
RENE,
I HAVE GOOD NEWS.
OFFICER CRABTREE HAS
FOUND THE BRITISH AIRMEN.
THEY WERE HIDING
IN A PIGSTY.
WHAT ABOUT THE SMELL?
I EXPECT THE PIGS
GOT USED TO IT.
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
WE HAVE A NEW PLAN TO GET
THE BRITISH AIRMEN
BACK TO ENGLAND.
OH, NOT ANOTHER ONE?
WE ARE GOING
TO BUILD A RAFT
FOR THEM TO SAIL
ACROSS THE CHANNEL.
FOR A RAFT YOU NEED
THE TRUNKS OF TREES.
THE WOODS ARE
OUT OF BOUNDS.
AND ANYONE SEEN
WALKING AROUND
WITH A CHOPPER
OVER HIS SHOULDER
WOULD AROUSE SUSPICION.
THIS IS TRUE.
WE SHALL NOT GO
TO THE WOODS.
ALREADY
MY RESISTANCE GIRLS
HAVE SAWN HALFWAY THROUGH
SIX TELEGRAPH POLES.
WHEN IT IS DARK,
WE WILL GO OUT
AND PULL THEM DOWN,
AND BUILD THE RAFT.
AND COINCIDENTALLY,
SEVERELY DAMAGE
GERMAN COMMUNICATION LINES.
OOH, I HAVE A TWINGE
IN MY BUNION.
HER BUNION DOES
NOT LIKE THIS PLAN.
GOOD MOANING.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE BRINGING
THE BRITISH AIRMEN?
I AM CHOCKING TO SEE
IF THE KISSED IS KLOOR.
I SEE THAT WE
ARE ALOON.
YOU HAVE NOT LEFT
THEM IN THE OPEN
OUTSIDE MY CAFE,
HAVE YOU?
DO NOT WIRRY, RONNIE.
I HAVE BRUTE THEM
FROM THE POGSTEE
IN A WOODEN COAT
PULLED BY A DINKEY.
WOODEN CART, DONKEY.
I GOT THAT.
THEY ARE DISGEESED
AS SOCKS OF POTOOTOES.
OH, THAT IS
A GOOD DISGUISE.
WE ALWAYS
NEED POTOOTOOS,
I MEAN POTATOES.
GET THEM IN.
COME IN HERE, CHAPS.
I MEANT
CARRY THEM IN,
SACKS OF POTATOES
DO NOT USUALLY
STROLL IN HERE
TO BE PEELED.
- HELLO.
- HELLO.
OOH, WHAT A PONG!
THEY STILL HAVE A LOT
OF POGSTEE ON THEM.
THEY CANNOT STAY HERE
IN THAT CONDITION.
LOOK AT THE MESS
THEY ARE MAKING.
ASK THE GIRLS
TO BOIL SOME WATER
AND GET THE STRONGEST
DISINFECTANT THEY CAN FIND.
TO WASH THE FLOOR?
NO, TO WASH
THE AIRMEN.
WHAT ARE THEY
GOING ON ABOUT?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
THEY ARE GOING
TO GIVE YOU A BATH, CHAPS,
TO GET ALL THAT
PIGGY STUFF OFF.
OH, SPLENDID!
BAGS, I THE END
WITHOUT THE TAPS.
YOU'LL HAVE
TO BE QUICK.
( duck call blows )
( blows )
Helga:
HERR FLICK?
HERR FLICK,
I'M HERE.
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
( blows )
AH, HELGA.
IT WAS NOT
VERY CLEVER OF YOU
TO CHOOSE THE MATING CALL
OF A WILD GOOSE
IN YOUR SECRET
MESSAGE TO ME
TO SIGNAL
YOUR ARRIVAL.
WILD GEESE HAVE BEEN
MATING ALL DAY.
OUR KNEES ARE RAW
FROM SCRABBLING
UP THIS ROUGH
MONASTERY WALL.
FORGIVE ME, HERR FLICK,
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS
THE MATING SEASON.
NEXT TIME,
CONSULT YOUR
GIRL GUIDE DIARY.
COME, VON SMALLHAUSEN,
WE MUST LEAVE
THIS MONASTIC
EXISTENCE BEHIND.
DO YOU WANT A HAND,
HERR FLICK?
NO, AVERT YOUR EYES.
( two thuds )
QUICK, WHERE IS
THE GETAWAY VEHICLE?
I COULD NOT GET A CAR,
SO I BROUGHT THIS INSTEAD.
THIS IS MOST
UNSATISFACTORY.
THE GESTAPO ARE NOT
USED TO ESCAPING
ON A THREE-WHEELED
TANDEM.
WE WILL BE
THE LAUGHINGSTOCK
OF THE WHOLE
GERMAN ARMY.
OH, HERR FLICK,
WHAT TERRIBLE HARDSHIPS
YOU MUST HAVE
SUFFERED IN THERE.
WE HAVE SUFFERED
MANY DEPRIVATIONS.
WE WERE ONLY ALLOWED
TO KEEP OUR
BARE NECESSITIES.
WE NEARLY LOST THOSE
A COUPLE OF TIMES.
THAT WAS BECAUSE
OF YOUR POOR
NEEDLEWORK.
GO AND SIT
ON THE TRICYCLE.
MAY I WELCOME YOU BACK
WITH A KISS?
VERY WELL,
BUT MAKE IT
A QUICK ONE.
WE MAY BE MISSED.
WE ARE PLAYING HOOKY
FROM JAM MAKING.
WHAT SHAME!
WHAT INFAMY!
A MEMBER
OF OUR HOLY ORDER
CONSORTING WITH A WOMAN.
YOU WILL BE SCOURGED
FOR THIS, BROTHER OTTO.
OH, NOT THE SCOURGING!
TO OUR GETAWAY TRICYCLE,
AND QUICKLY.
COME BACK, YOU SINNERS!
YOU MUST BE
PUNISHED FOR THIS!
NOT ON YOUR NELLY!
IF WE SOAK
MUCH LONGER IN HERE,
I AM GOING
TO SHRIVEL UP.
HAVE YOU SEEN
THE SOAP?
IT WAS HERE
A SECOND AGO.
IF YOU HADN'T
INSISTED ON PUTTING
BAKING POWDER IN
TO MAKE SOME BUBBLES,
WE WOULD BE
ABLE TO SEE IT.
AH! GOT IT.
I DON'T THINK SO,
OLD CHAP.
WELL, WHAT HAVE
I GOT THEN?
OH, THE LOOFAH.
IT'S NOT VERY
PRIVATE IN HERE, IS IT?
IT WOULD BE
A LOT LESS PRIVATE
WITHOUT
THIS BAKING POWDER.
RENE HAS
GIVEN ME ORDERS
TO GET YOU CLEAN.
HERE. I HEAR
HATE TO TAKE
A BATH.
YOU TAKE THE ONE
WITH THE SPOTTY BACK,
AND I'LL TAKE THE ONE
WITH THE BOIL
ON HIS BUM.
WHAT DID SHE SAY?
I THINK THEY'RE
GOING TO SCRUB
THE FLOOR.
FUNNY TIME TO DO IT.
YEAH. OOH, AH!
GET OFF!
I THINK WE WOULD
HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF
IN THE PIGSTY,
CARSTAIRS.
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
LOOK AT THIS POSTER
I FOUND IN THE MAIN SQUARE.
IT IS AN ABSOLUTE
DISGRACE!
YES, THE WRITING IS
RATHER BAD.
QUITE INDISTINCT
IN PLACES.
I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT THE HANDWRITING,
LOOK AT THE CONTENT!
DASH IT, THESE ARE
MY TANK DRIVING SPECTACLES.
YOU'D BETTER
READ IT, GRUBER.
JUST A MOMENT,
WHILE I MAKE A NOTE.
COLONEL TO RETAKE
TANK DRIVING TEST
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
CARRY ON, GRUBER.
"THE RESISTANCE CALLS
ON ALL LOYAL CITIZENS
TO HAMPER THE EFFORTS
OF THE ACCURSED BOCHE--"
( chuckles )
"-- AND MAKE THE LIFE OF
THE OCCUPYING ARMY IN NOUVION
AS UNCOMFORTABLE
AS POSSIBLE."
WHAT CHEEK.
"SUGGESTIONS:
PUT ITCHING POWDER
IN THEIR WASHING,
WATER IN THEIR PETROL,
GARLIC IN THEIR STRUDEL,
AND TIN TACKS
ON THE ROADS,
AND WHENEVER POSSIBLE,
DROP A BRICK
ON THEIR HEADS."
AND I THOUGHT
THEY ALL LOVED ME.
"COMRADES, WE MUST SHOW
THAT FAT PIG OF A COLONEL--"
EXCUSE ME, COLONEL,
BUT I AM ONLY
READING WHAT IT SAYS.
CONTINUE.
"-- AND THAT PONCING,
LITTLE TANK DRIVING,
TWIT OF A SIDEKICK--"
WHOEVER THAT
MAY BE.
IS YOU.
THERE ARE LOTS
OF TANKS!
READ ON
AND STOP ARGUING.
"-- AND FINALLY,
WE MUST ALSO SHOW
THAT OVER-MEDALED
ITALIAN CHICKEN
THAT WE MEAN BUSINESS."
THAT MEANS YOU.
LOOK, I AM
SEETHING WITH ANGER.
SEE MY MUSTACHE?
IT BRISTLES.
EVERY MEDALLION
ON MY CHEST
WAS WON
WITH A BRAVE DEED.
HAVE YOU FINISHED?
NO, I STAMP MY FOOT.
I HURT MY LEG.
THIS RUBBISH
CLEARLY UNDERMINES
THE EFFORTS
OF THE OCCUPYING FORCES.
THERE IS EVEN
A SCURRILOUS CARTOON OF ME
ON THE REVERSE SIDE.
( giggles )
NO, I THINK
YOU ARE MISTAKEN, GENERAL.
IT'S A LADY IN SUSPENDERS
WITH A SPIKED HELMET.
THE CAPTION,
READ THE CAPTION.
( laughs )
"VON KINKYHOFFEN."
IT'S OUTRAGEOUS.
DID YOU WISH
TO SAY SOMETHING,
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI?
NO.
THEN SHUT UP!
( laughing )
WE MUST BEAT
THE RESISTANCE
AT THEIR OWN GAME.
WE SHALL REVIVE
THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER
THAT WE CLOSED
AT THE BEGINNING
OF THE OCCUPATION,
AND USE IT FOR OUR OWN
PROPAGANDA PURPOSES.
EXCELLENT IDEA,
GENERAL.
AH, BUT IT MUST NOT BE
TOO OBVIOUSLY PROPAGANDA.
WE NEED A FRENCHMAN
TO EDIT THE PAPER.
THAT WILL GIVE IT
CREDENCE
IN THE EYES
OF THE VILLAGERS.
ANOTHER GOOD IDEA.
ANY SUGGESTIONS?
WELL, THERE'S RENE
FROM THE CAFE.
AH, THE FELLOW
WHO ALMOST GOT
THE COLLABORATION MEDAL.
EXCELLENT, GRUBER.
DO YOU HAVE
HIS CONFIDENCE?
WE DO HOBNOB
FROM TIME TO TIME.
REALLY?
CONTACT HIM
IMMEDIATELY.
- HEIL HITLER.
- HEIL HITLER.
HEIL MUSSOLINI.
DON'T BE SILLY.
( laughing )
VON KINKYHOFFEN.
IT'S A WONDERFUL
LIKENESS.
REGARDING THE POSTER,
ANYONE CAUGHT
LAUGHING AT IT
WILL BE SHOT.
WHEN HAVE YOU
EVER SEEN ME
IN SUSPENDERS
WITH A SPIKED HELMET?
I THINK THE LAST TIME WAS
AT THE STAFF COLLEGE DANCE.
YOUR HEALTH
AND EFFICIENCY MAGAZINE
HAS JUST ARRIVED,
HERR FLICK.
A SPECIAL ISSUE
WITH A CENTERFOLD PULLOUT
OF A RHINE MAIDEN
UNADORNED.
SHALL I PULL IT OUT,
HERR FLICK?
YOU WILL
PULL IT OUT
AT YOUR PERIL,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
ONLY SENIOR
GESTAPO OFFICERS
WITH IRON CONTROL
ARE ALLOWED
TO GAZE
AT UNADORNED RHINE MAIDENS.
EXTREMELY AVERAGE.
NEVERTHELESS,
I MUST TELEPHONE
FOR THE RHINE MAIDEN
CALENDAR.
SHE WILL BE
BIGGER IN THAT.
I CAN HEAR NOTHING.
WE ARE SEVERED
FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD.
THAT IS BECAUSE WE HAVE
NOT PAID THE BILL,
AND THE PETTY CASH
BOX IS EMPTY.
HOW CAN THIS BE?
I THINK YOU TOOK
THE LAST OF IT
TO BUY THAT SILK UNDERWEAR
FOR HELGA, HERR FLICK.
YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED
TO KNOW ABOUT THAT.
MY LIPS ARE SEALED,
I PROMISE.
WE MUST RING BERLIN
AND ASK MY GODFATHER,
HEINRICH HIMMLER,
TO SEND MORE MONEY
IMMEDIATELY.
BUT HOW CAN YOU RING HIM
IF THE PHONE IS CUT OFF?
WE SHALL USE
OUR SPECIAL GESTAPO
PHONE TAPPING EQUIPMEN
IN THIS CUPBOARD,
AND TAP INTO THE LINE
OUTSIDE THE VILLAGE.
YOU HAVE AN ANSWER
FOR EVERYTHING, HERR FLICK.
OF COURSE.
IT WAS NOT POSSIBLY
A GOOD IDEA
TO BUY HELGA
THAT SILK UNDERWEAR,
HERR FLICK.
RAYON WOULD HAVE
BEEN CHEAPER.
YOU SAID YOUR LIPS
WERE SEALED.
YOU HAVE BROKEN
YOUR PROMISE.
PASS THE FIRST AID BOX.
COMPRESS YOUR MOUTH.
STEP FORWARD.
THERE.
THAT WILL TEACH YOU
TO KEEP YOUR WORD.
DO NOT REMOVE IT,
UNDERSTAND?
( mumbles )
I SAID, "DO YOU
UNDERSTAND?"
YES, HERR FLICK.
DO NOT REMOVE IT.
REPLASTER YOURSELF.
THAT IS BETTER.
NOW, RENE,
THOSE ARE MY ORDERS.
HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT RUNNING
A NEWSPAPER?
WORRIED, WHICH IS
NOT UNUSUAL.
MIMI, MORE WINE.
WHEN I WAS YOUNG,
I WAS A REPORTER
ON A PAPER.
I COULD GIVE HIM
VALUABLE ASSISTANCE.
AH, NOW THAT
IS A GOOD IDEA.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
BE THE EDITOR?
NO, NO, RENE,
IT IS YOUR JOB,
I INSIST.
NOW, WE HAVE TO DECIDE
WHAT WE ARE GOING
TO PUT IN THE PAPER.
OF COURSE,
THE MAIN STORY
IS HOW WE ARE
WINNING THE WAR.
WHAT A LOAD
OF COBBLERS.
I AM NOT FAMILIAR
WITH THIS EXPRESSION.
SHE AGREES,
BUT WITH SLIGHT RESERVATIONS.
NOW, TO BE
A GOOD EDITOR,
ONE MUST NEVER
LET THE FACTS
GET IN THE WAY
OF A GOOD STORY.
I NEVER DID.
NATURALLY, THERE WILL
BE AN ARTICLE
ON MEMBERS
OF THE GARRISON,
TO GIVE THEM
A HUMAN FACE.
I HAVE SOME PICTURES
HERE BY CHANCE
ON MY PERSON.
THIS IS ME
BEFORE THE WAR.
OH. EH?
OH, WHAT A PRETTY
LITTLE BOY.
AND WHAT SMART
HIKING SHORTS.
AND THIS IS MY FATHER,
HE WAS VERY KEEN
ON CAMPING.
WELL, YOU CERTAINLY
TAKE AFTER HIM.
THEN, WHEN I WAS OLDER,
I BECAME AN APPRENTICE
WINDOW DRESSER.
THIS IS
MY FIRST WINDOW.
AH, HOW APPROPRIATE--
CAMPING EQUIPMENT.
THEN THE WAR CAME,
AND SUDDENLY I WAS
ON THE RUSSIAN FRONT.
IN THE SNOW, CAMPING.
WHAT A VARIED LIFE
YOU HAVE LED.
YES, INDEED.
WELL, I WILL
MAKE SURE
YOU GET A NICE
WRITE UP, LIEUTENANT.
I KNEW THAT I COULD
RELY ON YOU.
NOW, GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN
INSISTS THAT WE SHOW
HOW HAPPY THE FRENCH ARE
UNDER GERMAN RULE.
ANY SUGGESTIONS?
WE COULD TAKE A PHOTO
OF YOU AND RENE
SOCIALIZING.
I CANNOT PUT MYSELF
IN THE PAPER.
HOW ABOUT A PHOTOGRAPH
OF NOUVION'S HAPPIEST
MARRIED COUPLE?
BUT RENE DOES NOT
WANT TO BE IN THE PAPER.
Alphonse:
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I WAS REFERRING
TO MADAME FANNY
AND MONSIEUR LECLERC,
OUR HAPPIEST HONEYMOONERS.
WHAT A WONDERFUL IDEA.
MAMMA WILL BE DELIGHTED
TO BE IN THE NEWS.
I WILL GO UPSTAIRS
AND MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL.
WE CANNOT HOLD
THE FRONT PAGE FOREVER, EDITH.
NOW THAT WE THREE MEN
ARE ALONE,
SHOULD WE NOT,
PERHAPS,
DISCUSS
THE QUESTION
OF A LIGHTLY CLAD
YOUNG LADY
IN BETWEEN PAGES
TWO AND FOUR?
WHAT PURPOSE
WOULD THAT SERVE?
WHEN I WAS
A YOUNG REPORTER,
KNOWN AS
"FLASHBULB ALPHONSE,"
IT WAS CUSTOMARY
TO HAVE A PHOTOGRAPH
OF A BEAUTIFUL
YOUNG LADY IN THE PAPER
TO KEEP INTEREST GOING.
NOT IN THE PAPERS
I READ.
I HAVE HERE
A FEW PHOTOGRAPHS
OF PREVIOUS
BEAUTY QUEENS
OF NOUVION.
THEY STILL HAVE
THEIR ORIGINAL CAPTIONS.
MISS TOP
OF THE MILK, 1918.
THE NOUVION FIREMAN'S
DAUGHTER
WHO SENDS
TEMPERATURES SOARING.
SHE APPEARS TO BE A DAB HAND
WITH A HOSE PIPE.
YOU CANNOT PUT
PICTURES LIKE THIS
IN THE PAPER,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
APART FROM WHICH, BY NOW,
THE MILK WILL HAVE CURDLED.
I THINK, LIEUTENANT,
THAT IF WE ARE
GOING TO HAVE
PICTURES,
IT SHOULD BE
THE HONEYMOON COUPLE
AND THE COLONEL
ON PAGE THREE.
AS ALWAYS, RENE,
YOU HAVE
IMPECCABLE TASTE.
I FEEL THE INTEGRITY
OF THIS NEWSPAPER
IS ASSURED
WITH YOUR HAND
ON THE TILLER.
THANK YOU,
LIEUTENANT.
I MUST GO
AND TELL THE COLONEL
OF OUR PROGRESS.
THESE PROPAGANDA
PAMPHLETS
WILL GIVE YOU
A GOOD IDEA
OF HOW
THE WAR IS GOING.
AS YOU SAID, LIEUTENANT,
WE MUST NOT LET FACTS
GET IN THE WAY
OF A GOOD STORY.
QUITE.
PSST, RENE.
I MUST HAVE
A WORD WITH YOU.
WHAT?
I HAVE HEARD
THAT THE GERMANS
HAVE REOPENED
THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER
WITH YOU AS EDITOR.
WHEN DID YOU HEAR THIS?
WHEN I WAS STANDING
BEHIND THE DOOR.
THIS IS TRUE,
BUT LIEUTENANT GRUBER
IS REALLY IN CHARGE.
BUT IT WAS SO CLEVER OF YOU
TO AGREE TO HELP.
NOW THAT THE PRESSES
ARE ABOUT TO ROLL,
WE CAN USE THEM
TO PRINT A SECRET
UNDERGROUND NEWSPAPER
FOR THE RESISTANCE,
CALLING ON ALL FRANCE
TO STAND UP TO THE AGGRESSORS.
ARE YOU MAD? YOU WILL
GET US ALL SHOT.
MONSIEUR,
YOU ARE IN
GREAT DANGER
OF RECEIVING
THE WHITE FEATHER.
SEND AS MANY
AS YOU LIKE,
MY PILLOW
CAN ALWAYS USE THEM.
LOOK, I WOULD
LIKE TO HELP,
BUT I CANNOT ENDANGER
THE WOMAN I LOVE.
NOT TO MENTION
HIS WIFE.
IF YOU DO NOT
HELP US,
I WILL PUT A POSTER
IN THE TOWN SQUARE
SAYING YOU ARE
A COLLABORATOR.
WHEN DO I START?
AS SOON AS I CAN
GET MY GIRLS TOGETHER.
AH, SO THIS IS WHA
YOU MEN GET UP TO
WHEN YOU ARE ALONE.
THEY ARE JUST
OLD PIN-UPS.
DISGUSTING.
I HAVE MUCH BETTER LEGS
THAN ANY OF THEM.
WELL, WE WILL TAKE
YOUR WORD FOR THAT.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO.
NOW, LOOK VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SHOW THESE
ONLY ONCE.
OH, MY DICKY TICKER.
NOW LOOK
WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.
HUH?
ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY
YOU WANT YOUR PILLS?
NO,
MY CAMERA.
I HOPE THEY WILL PUT
A STOCKING OVER THE LENS
TO MAKE ERNEST
LOOK A BIT YOUNGER.
I DO NOT WANT
PEOPLE TO THINK
I AM MARRIED
TO AN OLD MAN.
OH, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
WILL MAKE YOU LOOK
YOUNG AND RADIANT, MAMMA.
A REMARKABLE CAMERA, INDEED.
WELL, MADAME,
I WOULD LIKE YOU
AND MONSIEUR LECLERC
ARMS ENTWINED,
SITTING AT THE TABLE,
HAVING A DRINK.
WHERE IS THE DRINK?
ON THE TABLE.
QUICK, COME ON,
HURRY UP,
BEFORE THE SUN
GOES IN.
WELL, UNCORK IT.
THE CHAMPAGNE
IS ONLY FOR SHOW.
I AM NOT OPENING
A WHOLE BOTTLE
FOR TWO DRINKS.
NO PLONK, NO PICTURE.
OH, VERY WELL.
AH, GOOD MORNING, RENE.
GOOD MORNING,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
WHAT A CHARMING COUPLE
THEY MAKE.
YOU CAN SEE THE AFFECTION
IN THEIR EYES.
OH, RENE,
DOES THIS NOT
REMIND YOU
OF OUR HONEYMOON?
WELL, YOU DID
LOOK A BIT YOUNGER.
WHERE DO YOU WANT
ME TO SIT?
I THINK NEXT
TO MADAME FANNY.
EXCELLENT.
IT WILL MAKE
A VERY GOOD PHOTOGRAPH.
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
WILL BE PLEASED.
EDITH.
WHY IS THIS FAT KRAUT
SITTING AT OUR TABLE?
NOW THEN, MAMMA,
WE ARE TAKING A PICTURE
OF THE COLONEL
ENJOYING A DRINK
WITH THE HAPPIEST
HONEYMOON COUPLE
IN NOUVION,
IT IS FOR THE PAPER.
I DO NOT DRINK
WITH THE GERMANS.
I SPIT ON THEM.
( spits )
THAT WENT ON MY TIE,
YOU SILLY OLD BAT.
DON'T OLD BAT ME,
YOU DODDERING
OLD DUFFER.
I HAVE NOT
GLUED DOWN MY HAIR
AND DRESSED IN THIS
NATTY STYLE
TO BE INSULTED
BY A WOMAN
NEARLY OLD ENOUGH
TO BE MY MOTHER.
OH, HOW DARE YOU?
WHAT KIND
OF HUSBAND ARE YOU?
I AM THE KIND OF HUSBAND
THAT DEMANDS A DIVORCE.
GOOD DAY.
AND YOU CAN
HAVE ONE.
EDITH, GIRLS,
TAKE HER
BACK TO HER ROOM.
JUST A TYPICAL
NEWLYWED'S TIFF, COLONEL.
IN A FEW MONTHS,
THEY WILL FORGET
ALL ABOUT IT.
I THINK WE'LL HAVE
TO LOOK ELSEWHERE
FOR OUR PERFECT
HONEYMOON COUPLE, GRUBER.
I COULD HAVE A PICTURE
TAKEN WITH RENE,
JUST FOR MY ALBUM.
I AM NOT SMART ENOUGH.
WATCH THE BIRDIE.
( car horn honks )
Helga:
GENERAL VON
KLINKERHOFFEN!
GOOD, JUST THE FELLOWS
I WANT TO SEE.
I HAVE DECIDED
WE MUST SHOW
THE HUMAN FACE
OF THE GERMAN ARMY.
TO THIS END,
WE WILL BE PHOTOGRAPHED
RELAXING AND ENJOYING
A HEALTHY OUTDOOR LIFE
WITH THE PEASANTS.
WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU
HAVE IN MIND, GENERAL?
AN INFORMAL PICNIC
IN THE COUNTRYSIDE,
CAPTURED ON FILM
WITH THE PRETTY GIRLS
FROM THE VILLAGE
JOKING AND LAUGHING
AT OUR WITTY REMARKS.
WHAT FUN.
BUT FIRST, TO PROVE
HOW FIT THE MASTER RACE IS,
THERE WILL BE
A 10 KILOMETER HIKE
FOR ALL OFFICERS
BELOW THE RANK OF GENERAL.
YOU PEASANTS WILL ORGANIZE
THE FOOD AND THE DRINK
AND YOUR
TWO PRETTY WAITRESSES.
THANK YOU, GENERAL.
BY THE WAY,
WHO'S PAYING
FOR THIS JOLLY PICNIC?
THE GERMANS
WILL PAY OF COURSE!
YOU WILL PRESENT YOUR BILL
AFTER WE HAVE EATEN.
GENERAL, HOW LONG
DO WE HAVE
TO GET FIT
FOR THIS HIKE?
UNTIL 3:00
THIS AFTERNOON.
HEIL HITLER.
All:
HEIL HITLER.
AFTER THIS HIKE
WE WON'T NEED
PROFILES
IN THE PRESS,
WE'LL NEED
OBITUARIES.
General:
FASTER!
YOU'RE ALL
OUT OF CONDITION.
EXCEPT ME.
General:
PULL IN OVER THERE.
BY THAT OPENING.
HEY, LOOK AT ME,
I'M AS FIT
AS A FLEA.
IN THAT CASE,
YOU CAN RUN AROUND
THAT BIG FIELD
FIVE TIMES BACKWARDS.
WHAT A MISTAKE
TO MAKE.
WE WILL HAVE THE PICNIC
AND THE PHOTOGRAPHS
BY THE BIG HAYSTACK
IN THE NEXT FIELD.
FOLLOW ME.
WHY DO I HAVE
TO GO FIRST,
HERR FLICK?
BECAUSE YOU ARE
A JUNIOR MEMBER
OF THE GESTAPO.
IF ANYTHING
UNTOWARD HAPPENS,
YOU ARE EXPENDABLE.
HOW DO I
GET UP THERE?
IT IS VERY HIGH.
YOU MOVE THE LEATHER STRAP
UP THE POLE,
AND WALK UP USING
YOUR SPECIAL GESTAPO
TELEGRAPH POLE
CLIMBING BOOTS.
SOMETIMES YOU ARE
VERY SIMPLE,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
WHEN YOU GET
TO THE TOP,
DROP THE ROPE
AND PULL ME UP.
AND WHAT IF I FALL
BEFORE I GET THERE?
MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT
LAND ON ME.
I AM NOT EXPENDABLE.
IT MUST BE
A JOLLY PHOTOGRAPH
OF HAPPY COLLABORATION.
- SEE?
- AH.
- OH!
- OH!
OH, WHAT A THRILL.
GROPED BY AN ITAI.
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI,
CONTROL YOURSELF.
YOU TWO PEASANT GIRLS,
COME AND SIT HERE BY ME.
YOU'LL BE SAFER.
I SIT DOWN
NEXT TO YOU, HEH HEH.
( kissing sounds )
HELGA, YOU COME
AND SIT BY ME.
IT LOOKS GOOD
TO SHOW GERMAN OFFICERS
BEING FRIENDLY
WITH THEIR PRIVATES.
OOH!
THE CAMERA IS READY,
GENERAL.
I HAVE BROUGHT THREE PLATES
IN CASE OF ANY ERROR.
PERHAPS YOU COULD ALL
SHOW A LITTLE MORE LEG?
NOT YOU, GRUBER.
AND YOU TWO,
LOOK AS THOUGH
YOU ARE SERVING US.
OH, YES.
COME ON, PEASANTS,
ENJOY YOURSELVES!
YES, OF COURSE,
GENERAL.
JUST HOLD IT THERE.
NOW, WHEN I GIGGLE,
EVERYBODY GIGGLES.
( giggles )
AAH!
General:
IDIOT, PEASANT!
LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.
Edith:
I AM SORRY, GENERAL.
HERE, LET ME
WIPE IT OFF.
NO, GIVE IT TO ME.
NO, NO!
I WILL DO IT.
ONE PLATE FOR THE BIN.
General:
THERE, IT'S DONE.
NOW, EVERYBODY
BACK IN POSITION.
WE CANNOT AFFORD TO WASTE
PHOTOGRAPHS LIKE THIS.
NOW, WHEN I SMILE,
EVERYBODY SMILES.
READY.
AH! THE PLACE IS
CRAWLING WITH ANTS.
( women screaming )
SOME OF THEM HAVE
MARCHED UP MY SHORTS.
General:
STOP! THIS IS NOT
THE PHOTOGRAPH I WANT.
DAMN.
Smallhausen:
YES, PLEASE CONNECT ME
AS SOON AS YOU CAN,
THANK YOU.
IT DOES NOT FEEL VERY SAFE
UP HERE, HERR FLICK.
DO NOT BE A NINNY,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
HAVE YOU GOT
MY NUMBER YET?
THE OPERATOR IS
CONNECTING ME NOW TO BERLIN.
( phone rings )
- UNCLE HEINIE?
- ( pole creaks )
HELLO.
THIS IS YOUR GODSON OTTO.
NO, I AM NOT
IN MY OFFICE.
I AM, STRANGELY ENOUGH,
OVERLOOKING
A LARGE HAYSTACK.
LISTEN, WE NEED MORE--
AAAAH!
( splatter )
General:
THE GESTAPO HAVE
RUINED OUR PICNIC.
NOT TO MENTION
THE PICTURE.
YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS,
HERR FLICK.
YOU HAVE JUST MADE
A VERY BAD CAREER MOVE.
IT IS NOT OUR FAULT
WE HAVE POOPED A PICNIC.
IT IS TIME TO WITHDRAW.
WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOING?
I'M SPEAKING TO YOU.
THIS IS NOT OUR LUCKY DAY,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
RUN AFTER THEM,
AND BRING THEM BACK.
- RENE?
- UH?
SHOULD WE GIVE THEM
THE BILL NOW?
THAT WOULD NOT
BE A GOOD IDEA.
WE WILL PUT IT
ON THE ACCOUNT.
( theme music playing )