'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s07e06 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
LIFE HAS BECOME
VERY HECTIC FOR ME
SINCE THE GERMANS
APPOINTED ME EDITOR
OF THE NEW LOCAL NEWSPAPER.
I AM SUPPOSED TO MAKE THEM
SEEM LIKE NICE PEOPLE,
BUT IT IS NOT
AN EASY TASK.
I STILL HAVE NOT RECOVERED
FROM THE PICNIC,
ORGANIZED BY
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN,
TO SHOW THE HUMAN SIDE
OF THE GERMAN ARMY,
WHICH WAS SPOILED
BY HERR FLICK
AND HERR VON SMALLHAUSEN
OF THE GESTAPO.
THEY WERE UP
A NEARBY TELEGRAPH POLE
WHICH HAD BEEN PARTIALLY
SAWN THROUGH
TO MAKE A RAFT TO GET
THE BRITISH AIRMEN TO ENGLAND.
THE POLE FELL OVER,
HERR FLICK
AND HIS COLLEAGUE
LANDED SPLAT
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PICNIC,
RUINING THE TRIFLE
AND CUSTARD,
NOT TO MENTION
THEIR TROUSERS,
AND I STILL HAVE
THE PICNIC BILL HERE--
UNPAID.
OH, OH, MICHELLE,
YOU WILL GIVE ME
AN HEART ATTACK
CREEPING AROUND
LIKE THAT.
I WAS WALKING BEHIND YOU,
LIKE A SHADOW.
I SAW THREE SHADOWS
AND I THOUGHT IT WAS STRANGE.
I MUST SPEAK
WITH YOU, URGENTLY.
I WANT TO TALK
TO YOU, TOO.
WHEN ARE YOU
GOING TO GET THOSE
IDIOT BRITISH AIRMEN
OUT OF MY HAIR?
I AM GETTING
SOME GRAY ONES.
I DO NOT KNOW.
SINCE THE GESTAPO
RUINED OUR PLAN
TO BUILD A RAFT
OF TELEGRAPH POLES,
WE ARE NOW GOING
TO HAVE TO USE
EMPTY WINE BARRELS
INSTEAD.
BUT THAT IS NOT
WHY I HAVE COME.
THEN WHY?
THE RESISTANCE HAVE
RUN OUT OF FUNDS.
I'M LOOKING FOR DONATIONS.
COME ON, COUGH UP.
COUGH UP,
WE ARE DESPERATE.
WE DO NOT HAVE
ANY MONEY TO GIVE YOU.
OH, THIS CAFE IS
A THRIVING BUSINESS.
I THINK THE RESISTANCE
SHOULD GET
A REGULAR CUT
OF THE TAKINGS.
WHERE IS THE MONEY?
WE HAVE NOT
TAKEN ANY MONEY,
AND GIVING MONEY AWAY
IS OUT OF THE QUESTION.
YOU WOULDN'T
WANT ANY ACCIDENTS
TO HAPPEN, WOULD YOU?
WHAT SORT OF ACCIDENTS?
( whistle blows )
( all yell )
THAT KIND
OF ACCIDENT.
OH MY GOD.
COME ON.
WE ARE DESPERATE
AND FLAT BROKE.
OH, A FEW
LOUSY FRANCS!
WHAT VALUABLES
DO YOU HAVE
TO SELL
FOR OUR FUNDS?
WE DO NOT HAVE
ANY VALUABLES!
RENE, WHAT ABOUT
THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES?
WHAT PAINTING?
THE ONE YOU
MADE ME GIVE
TO HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO.
IT MUST BE
WORTH MILLIONS.
THEN WE MUST
GET IT BACK
AND SELL IT.
WITH THE MONEY
WE CAN BUY
FOOD AND GUNS
AND AMMUNITION.
AND SHAMPOO.
OH, YES. OF COURSE,
I'VE MADE
A NOTE OF THAT.
I WILL GO AND DISCUSS IT
WITH MY GIRLS.
WE WILL COME UP
WITH A PLAN.
IF I HAVE A GOOD IDEA,
I WILL LET YOU KNOW.
IF YOU HAVE A GOOD IDEA,
WE WILL LET
THE WHOLE TOWN KNOW.
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO OPEN
YOUR BIG MOUTH
ABOUT THAT PAINTING?
I DID IT FOR FRANCE.
SHE'S A FANATIC,
THAT ONE.
WE MUST HELP MICHELLE
TO GET THE PAINTING BACK
TO SELL AFTER THE WAR.
BUT THEN SHE WILL
HAVE IT, NOT YOU.
BETTER IN HER HANDS
THAN IN THE SAFE
OF HERR FLICK.
WE WILL FIND
A WAY TO STEAL IT
FROM MICHELLE.
MY MAD, BRAVE HUSBAND,
IT IS A DANGEROUS PLAN.
IF YOU ARE CAUGHT AT IT,
YOU COULD BE SHOT.
IT IS A RISK
I HAVE OFTEN TAKEN.
A FEW MILLION FRANCS
CAN MAKE A MAN
AWFULLY COURAGEOUS.
OH, RENE,
PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME,
GIVE ME SOME
OF YOUR COURAGE.
THAT IS ALL I CAN
SPARE AT THE MOMENT.
EVERY BIT HELPS.
SPECIAL DELIVERY
FROM BERLIN,
HERR FLICK.
AH, IT IS
FROM MY GODFATHER,
HEINRICH HIMMLER.
I RECOGNIZE
THE SCENTED NOTEPAPER.
LET US HOPE
HE HAS NOT HEARD
ABOUT THE COCK-UP
ON THE TELEGRAPH POLE.
"DEAR OTTO, I HAVE HEARD
ABOUT THE COCK-UP
ON THE TELEGRAPH POLE."
WORD GETS ABOUT
QUICKLY, HERR FLICK.
SILENCE.
"I AM MOST
DISPLEASED ABOUT IT.
I HAVE HEARD RUMORS
THAT YOU HAVE BEEN
CONSORTING WITH WOMEN
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.
ONLY SISSIES
GO OUT WITH GIRLS,
AND I EXPECT YOU
TO STOP IMMEDIATELY."
UNCLE HEINIE
IS CUTTING OFF
OUR EXTRACURRICULAR
CRUMPET.
HE DOES NOT SAY
ANYTHING ABOUT ME,
HERR FLICK.
"P.S. AND THAT GOES
FOR YOUR MIDGET FRIEND
AS WELL."
( knocking )
SEE WHO IT IS.
WHO IS OUT THERE?
IT IS I, HELGA!
WE ARE NOT ALLOWED
TO TALK TO GIRLS.
LET HER IN,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
I MUST BREAK
THE BAD NEWS TO HER.
IT IS SO COLD
OUT THERE,
MY NOSE IS RUNNING.
SIT DOWN, HELGA.
I HAVE BAD NEWS FOR YOU.
I REALIZE THAT YOU
WILL NEVER HAVE MET
SUCH A POWERFUL,
VIRILE MAN AS I.
AFTER ME, ALL MEN
WILL BE AN ANTICLIMAX,
I KNOW.
BUT I MUST
END IT ALL NOW.
ARE MY EARS HEARING
ME CORRECTLY?
( sniffs )
TAKE THIS HANDKERCHIEF,
YOU WILL NEED IT.
I'M AFRAID
OUR RELATIONSHIP
IS FINISHED.
THE LOVE AFFAIR
OF THE CENTURY IS OVER.
YOU MAY LET
THE TEARS COMMENCE.
( blowing nose )
BUT, HERR FLICK,
AFTER ALL MY DEVOTION
AND LOYALTY TO YOU?
YOU HAVE NOT BEEN
THAT DEVOTED, HELGA.
YOU HAVE DALLIED
WITH THE ITALIAN CAPTAIN.
LIPS OTHER THAN MINE
HAVE TOUCHED YOURS--
GARLIC STAINED LIPS.
HOW DARE YOU?!
AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU,
YOU CONCEITED LITTLE PIG.
I DO NOT RECALL ANY
OF THESE THINGS.
SHE WAS INSULTING ME,
NOT YOU.
I AM AFRAID, HELGA,
THAT YOU HAVE
JUST TALKED YOURSELF
OUT OF THE SHARE
I WAS SAVING FOR YOU
IN THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.
YOU HAVE NOT GOT IT.
IT IS IN MY SAFE,
SO THERE!
BUT THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE.
FROM WHERE DID YOU GET IT?
I'M NOT TELLING YOU.
THAT WILL TEACH YOU
TO INSULT ME.
NOW HAND VON SMALLHAUSEN
YOUR KEY TO THE DUNGEON.
OOOH!
IT IS STILL HOT.
PUT IT ON THE TABLE.
NOW GO,
AND DO NOT LOOK BACK.
DO NOT THINK I CARE
ABOUT THE PAINTING.
I WOULD NOT TAKE
A GIFT FROM YOU
IF I WERE STARVING
AND PENNILESS.
BUT LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING ELSE,
HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO,
I'VE HAD MORE THRILLS
STAYING IN AND READING
THE COLLECTED SPEECHES OF
GOEBBELS IN SERBO-CROAT,
THAN IN GOING OUT
WITH YOU.
SHE TOOK IT LIKE A MAN,
HERR FLICK.
SHE HAS ALSO JUST RUINED
MY BEST GESTAPO SUIT!
UNCLE HEINIE IS RIGHT,
WE ARE BETTER OFF
WITHOUT WOMEN.
IN THAT CASE,
I'VE ALWAYS
BEEN BETTER OFF.
SINCE I LET IT
BE KNOWN
THE NEWSPAPER WAS
LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY
TO ENCAPSULATE THE TRUE
SPIRIT OF NOUVION,
WE HAVE BEEN INUNDATED
WITH PHOTOGRAPHS
OF YOUNG WOMEN.
UNGH, AH.
OH, OHHH!
OH, MY DICKY TICKER.
IT CANNOT STAND
THE EXCITEMENT.
HELLO, RENE.
HELLO,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
I HAVE COME
TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED
FOR YOUR SPIRIT
OF NOUVION CONTEST.
AH, MADAME EDITH.
WE THANK YOU FOR GRACING
OUR SMALL NEWSPAPER OFFICE
WITH YOUR PRESENCE.
I WILL ARRANGE
FOR YOU A STOOL.
YOU ARE NOT SERIOUSLY
ENTERING THE CONTEST,
ARE YOU?
RENE, YOU OF ALL PEOPLE
SHOULD KNOW THAT
I HAVE THE PERFECT QUALITIES
YOU SAID YOU WANTED:
BEAUTY, STRENGTH,
VIRTUE.
ONE OUT OF THREE IS
A START, I SUPPOSE.
BUT YOU ARE THE EDITOR.
SURELY YOUR DECISION
IS FINAL?
I AM ONLY
THE EDITOR BECAUSE
THE COLONEL FORCED
THE JOB ON ME.
BUT IT WOULD LOOK BAD
IF I SHOWED FAVORITISM.
IN THAT CASE, I SHALL
HAVE TO TAKE MY CHANCE
WITH THE REST
OF THE COMPETITION--
IF THERE IS ANY.
AHA!
I HAVE COME
TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED
FOR THE SPIRIT
OF NOUVION CONTEST.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING AWAY
FROM YOUR POST AT THE BAR?
WELL, MIMI IS THERE.
AND I AM HERE BECAUSE
I HAVE STRENGTH,
VIRTUE, AND BEAUTY.
CERTAINLY
TWO OUT OF THREE.
I ONLY AT THE MOMENT HAVE
ONE PHOTOGRAPH PLATE,
MADEMOISELLE.
YVETTE, GO AND SI
NEXT TO EDITH.
WE WILL PHOTOGRAPH
YOU TOGETHER,
AND CUT THE PHOTO
IN HALF.
MIMI, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
I HAVE COME
TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED
FOR THE SPIRIT
OF NOUVION CONTEST.
HAVE I NOT
THE QUALIFICATIONS REQUIRED?
OH, YES.
IT'S JUST THAT THEY ARE
IN A SMALLER PACKAGE.
WHAT IS SHE
DOING HERE?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
FEEDING THE CHICKENS.
I AM HAVING MY PHOTO
TAKEN FOR THE CONTEST.
( laughing )
DON'T BOTHER.
I AM ENTERING
THE COMPETITION,
SO YOU HAVE NO CHANCE.
THE JUDGES ARE
BOUND TO PICK ME.
ONLY IF YOU
BRIBE THEM FIRST.
HOW DARE YOU?!
( shrieking )
PLEASE KEEP
YOUR GIRLS
UNDER CONTROL,
MONSIEUR.
STOP THAT.
STOP IT!
WE WILL PHOTOGRAPH
YOU ALL TOGETHER,
AND CUT IT
INTO THREE.
NOW SIT DOWN
AND BEHAVE.
Both:
YES, RENE.
LET ME SEE
THE TRUE SPIRIT
OF NOUVION.
AFTER WHAT
I HAVE JUST SEEN,
IT'S GOING TO MAKE
A VERY HARD DECISION.
I WILL GO AND GET
THIS DEVELOPED
IN THE PRIVACY
OF MY DARKROOM,
WHERE I ALSO KEEP
MY BLOOD PRESSURE PILLS.
NOW, NO MORE SQUABBLING.
ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO, GET BACK
AND LOOK AFTER THE CAFE.
AND BE ASSURED,
THE DECISION
OF THE EDITOR IS FINAL.
Both:
YES, RENE.
OH, RENE, YOU ARE SO
GOOD FOR THOSE GIRLS.
THEY NEED
A STRICT DISCIPLINE.
I DO MY BEST,
EDITH.
( Rene groans )
- GOOD MOANING.
- GOOD MOANING.
MONSIEUR LECLOCK
SAID THAT
I WOULD FOND
YOU HERE, RONNIE.
I HAVE A MASSAGE
FROM MICHELLE.
AND WHAT IS
THE MASSAGE?
IT IS ABOOT
THE PUNTING
OF THE FILLEN MIDINNA
WITH THE BOG BEEBIES.
"WE WILL TUNNEL INTO--
THE DUNGEON
OF HERR FLICK,
FROM THE OLD DISUSED
BAKERY NEXT DOOR,
AND STEAL THE PAINTING
FROM HIS SAFE TONIGHT."
OH, YES, YES. I SUPPOSE
SHE THINKS THAT I KEEP
A ROAD DRILL UNDER MY BED,
NOT TO MENTION
A WELDING MACHINE.
NO, SHE HAS GONE MAD!
MONSIEUR LECLOCK
IS AN EXPERIENCED
SOFEBRICKER.
HE HAS ALRIDDY
AGRODE TO DEE IT,
AND HE HAS THE TOWELS
TO DO THE JIB.
BUT HERR FLICK AND
HERR VON SMALLHAUSEN
WILL BE IN
THE DUNGEON TONIGHT.
YOU MUST
GET THEM OUT.
HOW?
YOU MUST TELEPHONE
THEM, ANINYMOUSLY,
AND SAY THAT
A SECRET MASSAGE
WILL BE PISSED IN
YOUR CAFE TONIGHT.
THE MASSAGE
WILL BE FILSE,
BUT IT WILL
LEAR THEM AWAY
FROM THEIR DINGEON.
OH, SHE HAS THOUGHT
OF EVERYTHING.
HOW COMFORTING.
MICHELLE WILL
RANDYVOUS WITH YOU
IN THE SQUARE,
AT HALF-PISSED TIN.
I DO NOT RECALL HAVING
A RANDYVOUS IN THE SQUARE--
SINCE I WAS
A BACHELOR.
( sucks in air )
TSK, TSK, TSK,
YOU MAKE THAT MOVE,
HE TAKE YOUR PAWN.
BE QUIET,
IT'S ALL PART
OF MY GAME PLAN.
CHECKMATE.
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
I WITHDRAW MY MOVE.
ANY COMPLAINT
WILL BE REGARDED
AS UNSPORTING.
I WITHDRAW.
I WAS BEING
TOO HASTY.
OH, DEAR,
I'M SORRY, COLONEL.
I SEEM TO HAVE
CHECKMATED YOU AGAIN.
IN THAT CASE,
YOU HAVE A TRICKY
PROBLEM TO SOLVE.
COLONEL,
I HAVE SOME
INTELLIGENCE,
WHICH YOU MAY FIND
MOST INTERESTING.
WHAT IS THIS
INTELLIGENCE, HELGA?
HERR FLICK HAS SOMEHOW
OBTAINED THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.
IT IS IN HIS SAFE.
BUT, HELGA,
YOU DO STILL HAVE
THE KEY TO HIS DUNGEON?
IN A FIT OF PIQUE,
I GAVE IT BACK.
HELGA! YOU SHOULD
HAVE MADE A COPY.
HOW CAN WE GET IN
TO STEAL THE PAINTING?
COULD YOU NOT
DISGUISE YOURSELVES
AS RESISTANCE DESPERADOS
AND BLOW DOWN THE DOOR?
BUT HERR FLICK AND
HIS LITTLE PYGMY FRIEND,
THEY INSIDE.
ALL THE BETTER.
YOU STICK THEM UP
WITH GUNS,
AND MAKE THEM
OPEN THE SAFE.
YOU GET THE PAINTING,
THE RESISTANCE GETS THE BLAME.
WELL, IT DOES HAVE
A CERTAIN
CRUDE SIMPLICITY,
BUT I REALLY DON'T THINK
I FANCY THE ROLE
OF DESPERADO.
WE CAN USE
BERTORELLI'S MEN.
DO I GET A CUT WHEN
WE SELL THE PAINTING?
WE GIVE YOU
OUR WORD.
OKEY-DOKEY.
BUT I TELL THEM
IT'S A TRAINING EXERCISE,
OR THEY WANT
A CUT OF THE ACTION.
VERY WELL,
WE'LL DO IT
TONIGHT
AT MIDNIGHT.
( phone rings )
GOOD AFTERNOON,
GESTAPO
SECRET HEADQUARTERS,
CAN I HELP YOU?
( disguising voice )
THIS IS A FRIEND.
GIVE ME HERR FLICK,
PLEASE.
WE HAVE A FRIEND,
HERR FLICK.
OUR FIRST!
PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO COME
ROUND FOR TEA ONE AFTERNOON?
THIS IS THE GESTAPO,
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
NOT THE WOMEN'S INSTITUTE.
THIS IS HERR FLICK.
IF YOU GO TO CAFE RENE
TONIGHT
AT JUST BEFORE 10:00,
YOU MIGHT SEE A SECRET
MESSAGE BEING PASSED,
WHICH COULD BE
OF INTEREST TO YOU.
AND WHAT IS THIS MESSAGE?
( phone clicks )
HE HAS RUNG OFF.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
WE MUST GO TO THE CAFE RENE
THIS EVENING,
TO INTERCEPT
A SECRET MESSAGE.
THIS COULD PUT US BACK
IN UNCLE HEINIE'S
GOOD BOOKS.
BUT SURELY THEY WOULD NOT
PASS A MESSAGE IF THEY SEE
TWO SINISTER FIGURES
LIKE US, HERR FLICK.
FIGURES THAT STRIKE TERROR
INTO THE EYES OF ALL
THAT BEHOLD THEM,
AS THEY LIMP
THROUGH THE MISTS
OF THE NARROW
COBBLED STREETS OF NOUVION,
TO KEEP THEIR DATE
WITH DESTINY.
DO NOT LET THAT
PETER LORRE FILM
WE SAW LAST NIGHT
COMPLETELY DOMINATE
YOUR MIND, VON SMALLHAUSEN.
I'M SORRY,
HERR FLICK.
WE WILL GO IN DISGUISE.
I SHALL GO
AS A DEBONAIR
MAN ABOUT TOWN.
YOU WILL GO
AS MY LADY COMPANION.
BUT I-- I HAVE
NOTHING TO WEAR.
THERE IS, IN THE GESTAPO
DISGUISE CUPBOARD,
A VERY PRETTY
PINK FROCK.
YOU WILL ALSO FIND
A BOX OF ACCESSORIES.
WILL WE BE
ON OUR FIRST DATE,
OR ARE WE GOING STEADY?
WHAT HAS THAT
GOT TO DO WITH IT?
WELL, IT WILL INFLUENCE
MY CHOICE OF UNDERGARMENT.
DO NOT MENTION UNDERGARMENTS,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
IT REMINDS ME TOO MUCH
OF THE FRUIT
MY UNCLE HEINIE HAS
FORBIDDEN ME TO PICK.
I'M SORRY, HERR FLICK.
GO AND TITIVATE YOURSELF
IMMEDIATELY.
AND MAKE SURE
YOU SHAVE YOUR LEGS.
IS THAT NECESSARY?
SENIOR GESTAPO OFFICERS
DO NOT GO OUT ON THE TOWN
WITH HAIRY-LEGGED MIDGETS.
IS IT TRUE BLONDES
HAVE MORE FUN?
YES,
BUT NOT IN YOUR CASE.
AND LOVE ♪
FELL OUT
WITH ME-EEE. ♪
PEASANTS!
GOOD EVENING, MONSIEUR.
GOOD EVENING, MADAME.
GOOD EVENING.
( falsetto )
GOOD EVENING.
I'M AFRAID YOU HAVE
JUST MISSED THE SINGING.
WE ARE
MUSIC LOVERS,
SO THAT
IS GOOD NEWS.
BRING ME
THE WINE LIST.
OF COURSE, MONSIEUR.
RENE, IT IS HERR FLICK
AND HERR VON SMALLHAUSEN
IN DISGUISE,
AT THAT TABLE THERE.
THE PLAN
IS WORKING.
JUST ACT NORMALLY.
GET TO THE DOOR;
GIVE MONSIEUR LECLERC
THE SIGNAL.
YES.
I WILL JUST SEE
IF IT IS RAINING.
IT IS NOT RAINING.
THE WINE LIST,
MONSIEUR.
SHALL WE ORDER
CHAMPAGNE?
CERTAINLY NOT!
I DO NOT BUY CHAMPAGNE
FOR UGLY GIRLS LIKE YOU.
BUT OTTO, DARLING,
SURELY WE COULD SPLASH OUT
ON A BOTTLE OF BUBBLY?
DO NOT PUSH YOUR LUCK,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
RENE, DO YOU
THINK IT WILL WORK?
PROVIDED MONSIEUR
LECLERC HAS NOT
GONE TO SLEEP
IN A DOORWAY--
HE HAS BEEN
OUT THERE AN HOUR.
I DO HOPE HE LOOKS
SUSPICIOUS ENOUGH.
YOU CANNOT LOOK
MUCH MORE SUSPICIOUS
THAN THAT.
MATCHES, LOVELY MATCHES.
WHO WILL BUY SOME MATCHES
FROM A POOR OLD
MATCH SELLER?
COME OVER HERE WITH ME,
BY THE BAR,
POOR OLD MATCH SELLER,
WHOM I DO NOT KNOW.
I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE
SOMETHING FOR ME.
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN BEING SUSPICIOUS
AND BEING DERANGED,
YOU SILLY OLD FOOL.
THEY HAVE NOT
NOTICED.
GOD KNOWS HOW
THEY CAN HAVE MISSED YOU.
GO OUT
AND DO IT AGAIN.
I GO. I COME BACK.
ARE YOU KEEPING
YOUR EYES SKINNED?
YES, BUT I CANNOT FIND
ANY CHATEAU-BOTTLED WINES.
FORGET
THE WINE LIST.
WE ARE LOOKING
FOR SOMETHING
SUSPICIOUS.
VERY WELL, HERR FLICK.
AND STOP EYEING UP
THE MEN
AT THE NEXT TABLE,
AND COVER
YOURSELF UP,
YOU ARE SHOWING
TOO MUCH LEG.
I WILL NOT BE
TWO-TIMED
BY AN OVER
TITIVATED TART.
I'M SORRY, DARLING.
AND DO NOT CALL ME "DARLING."
BUT HE KEEPS WINKING AT ME.
HE'S OBVIOUSLY DRUNK.
IGNORE HIM.
HAVE YOU CHOSEN YET,
MONSIEUR?
YES, I WILL
HAVE A GLASS
OF YOUR FINEST
COGNAC.
AND FOR THIS REMARKABLE
LOOKING LADY?
SHE WILL
HAVE A GLASS
OF YOUR MOST
INFERIOR WINE.
MATCHES!
WHO WILL BUY MY MATCHES?
LOOK, AN OLD
MATCH SELLER.
AND A STRANGER
TO ME.
I WONDER WHAT
HE WANTS HERE?
Mamma:
ERNEST?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I HAVE BEEN
WAITING UPSTAIRS
FOR HOURS.
ARE YOU NOT
COMING UP?
I AM JUST PASSING
THIS SECRET MESSAGE,
FANNY.
WHAT WAS THAT?
( louder )
I AM JUST PASSING
THIS SECRET MESSAGE.
A SECRET MESSAGE?
WHAT SECRET MESSAGE?
GET BACK TO BED,
YOU SILLY OLD BAT.
YOU CAN GET KNOTTED.
AHEM.
I HAVE BROUGHT YOU
THIS MESSAGE, MONSIEUR.
STOP!
I WILL TAKE
THIS MESSAGE.
FOR I AM
NONE OTHER THAN
HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO.
NO! WHAT A SURPRISE.
- ( scream in unison )
- ( glass breaks )
MY MASTERLY
USE OF DISGUISE
HAS FOOLED
YOU ALL.
READ THE MESSAGE,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
"THE TWO BIRDS
YOU ARE LOOKING FOR
WILL BE IN
THE HOLLOW TREE,
20 PACES
ALONG THE RIVER
FROM THE OLD BRIDGE,
AND 40 PACES
INTO THE WOODS
AT MIDNIGHT."
HMM, "THE TWO BIRDS,"
BIRDS FLY,
AND SO DO AIRMEN.
AHA!
THE BRITISH AIRMEN
ARE HIDDEN IN THE TREE.
WE WILL GO THERE AT MIDNIGHT
AND APPREHEND THEM.
NOBODY IS TO
LEAVE THE CAFE
OR GO TO
THE WOODS,
OR THERE WILL BE
SEVERE PENALTIES.
HERR VON SMALLHAUSEN?
YOU FORGOT YOUR HANDBAG.
AND YOUR SEAMS
ARE CROOKED.
OH, RENE, IT WORKED.
THEY WILL BE OUT
OF THE DUNGEON
WHEN WE BREAK IN TONIGHT.
GO AND GET
YOUR SAFEBREAKING
EQUIPMENT,
WE WILL SET OFF
FOR THE BAKERY
VERY SHORTLY.
- ERNEST?
- HEH?
ARE YOU NOT
COMING UP TO BED,
MY LOVE?
I FEEL RATHER
PLAYFUL.
FIRST,
I MUST GET MY DRILL
AND DYNAMITE, FANNY.
AH, WELL,
ON SECOND THOUGHTS,
I THINK I WILL HAVE
AN EARLY NIGHT.
THIS MUST BE THE TREE,
HERR FLICK.
SHINE
YOUR TORCH IN IT,
AND SEE IF
THE BRITISH AIRMEN
ARE IN THERE.
THERE ARE JUST
THESE TWO PHEASANTS,
HERR FLICK.
THERE IS A NOTE ON THEM.
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
"DEAR RENE,
THESE ARE THE TWO BIRDS
TO PUT ON YOUR MENU.
SIGNED,
A. POACHER."
WE HAVE BEEN LED
ON A WILD GOOSE CHASE,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
( animal squeaks )
WHAT WAS THAT?
( squeak )
( squeak )
I HAVE BEEN STRUCK
BY A HAZELNUT.
( squeaking )
WHAT IMPUDENCE!
WE ARE THE GESTAPO!
( machine gun firing )
WELL?
WE HAVE COME UP
UNDER THE SAFE
OF HERR FLICK.
WE HAVE TO CUT AWAY
AT THE METAL NOW.
THAT IS MONSIEUR
LECLERC'S JOB.
I AM READY.
IS THE COAST
STILL CLEAR?
OFFICER CRABTREE IS
STANDING BY IN THE SQUARE.
IF ANYONE COMES,
HE WILL LET US KNOW.
REMIND ME NEVER TO GO
SAFEBREAKING WITH YOU AGAIN.
THAT SHOULD
JUST BE ENOUGH
EXPLOSIVE
TO BLOW UP THE DOOR.
GOOD MOANING.
WIT ARE YOU DEEING
LITTERING OUTSOD
THE SECRET HEADQUITTERS
OF HERR FLOCK
OF THE GESTOOPOO
AT THIS TOME OF NIT?
Gruber:
WE WERE JUST--
TAKING THE NIGHT AIR,
OFFICER.
YOU MIST ACCIMPANY ME
TO THE POLOOSE STOTION.
WHATEVER FOR?
I SUSPECT YOU ARE
COMMITTING A BIGLERY.
AND WHAT IF
WE DON'T WANT TO GO?
THEN I SHALL HOV
TO USE FIERCE.
I AM OUTNIMBERED,
BUT I AM A BOG MIN,
AND I CAN TIK YOU
ON ANY DEE OF THE WICK.
( whistles )
MY MEN, THEY GOT
NO RESPECT FOR THE FUZZ.
OKAY,
I LIGHT THE FUSE.
THIS BETTER BE RIGHT,
BERTORELLI.
YOU WILL HARDLY
NOTICE ANYTHING,
COLONEL.
I THINK MAYBE
I OVERDO
THE DYNAMITE.
HANDS UP!
THERE'S NO ONE HERE.
WITHOUT HERR FLICK
AND VON SMALLHAUSEN,
HOW ARE WE GOING
TO OPEN THE SAFE?
MAYBE ONE OF MY MEN
KNOWS HOW TO DO IT.
SAFEBREAKING
IS A VERY COMPLICATED
BUSINESS, CAPTAIN.
THAT LOT WON'T
HAVE A CLUE.
STEP FORWARD,
ANYONE WHO KNOWS
HOW TO CRACK THE SAFE.
THAT'S MY BOYS.
EVERYONE HAS
DONE THE PORRIDGE.
OKAY, I TAKE YOU.
THE REST OF YOU,
WAIT OUTSIDE.
- ( men groan )
- I SAID OUTSIDE!
YOU KEEP WATCH
FOR THE SNOOPERS.
GRUBER, LOOK.
HERR FLICK
HAS A LEAGUE TABLE
OF ALL THE RESISTANCE
SUSPECTS IN THE AREA.
LOOK, HERE IS RENE.
HOW HANDSOME
HE LOOKS.
BUT WHY ARE THERE
TWO PHOTOGRAPHS OF HIM?
Colonel:
I THINK THAT'S
HIS LATE TWIN BROTHER.
THE ONE YOU SHOT.
PLEASE, COLONEL,
DO NOT REMIND ME.
THE VISION OF HIM
HAUNTS ME STILL.
ACCORDING TO THIS CHART,
RENE IS HIGH UP
ON THE LIST OF SUSPECTS.
THAT IS BECAUSE
HE IS VERY POPULAR.
IF I WAS HERR FLICK,
HE'D BE NUMBER ONE.
I HAVE CUT THROUGH
THE BOTTOM OF THE SAFE.
WHERE IS
THE PAINTING?
IT IS INSIDE,
ON A SHELF.
SOME SAFEBREAKER.
MIND OUT, I WILL GET IT.
COME ON, BABY,
OPEN FOR ALVARO.
( lock clicks )
IT'S DONE.
RIGHT, YOU WAIT
OUTSIDE NOW.
LIEUTENANT GRUBER!
AARGHH!
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
GRUBER?
IN THERE--
THE DISEMBODIED HEAD
OF RENE'S TWIN BROTHER!
ALL WHITE AND GHOSTLY.
AND HE SPOKE MY NAME.
Rene:
I AM STUCK.
PULL ME OUT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
GRUBER?
WHERE'S THE PAINTING?
NO PAINTING.
JUST THAT
HORRIBLE HEAD.
OH, WILL THIS
RESTLESS SPIRI
NEVER LEAVE ME
IN PEACE?
AARGHH!
WHAT RUBBISH.
( gasps )
OH, COLONEL
VON STROHM,
I CAN EXPLAIN--
HE SPOKE MY NAME.
DID HE MENTION MY NAME?
NOT YET.
OH, THANK GOD!
MAMMA MIA.
AHHH!
WAIT FOR ME.
WE ARE DONE FOR.
THE GERMANS ARE
ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE WALL.
WHAT?!
LIEUTENANT GRUBER
OPENED THE DOOR,
AND THE COLONEL--
THEY BOTH SAW ME.
OOOH! WHAT ARE
WE GOING TO DO?
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
IF I AM CAUGHT,
I SHALL SAY IT WAS
ALL YOUR IDEA.
I THINK I SHOULD TELL YOU
THAT YOU HAVE JUST
LESSENED YOUR CHANCES
OF WINNING
THE SPIRIT OF NOUVION
COMPETITION.
WE HAVE WHAT WE CAME FOR.
GIVE ME THE PAINTING.
NO, IT WILL BE SAFE
DOWN MY TROUSERS.
THERE ARE GERMANS EVERYWHERE.
WHAT ARE WE TO DO?
WHAT EVERY FRENCHMAN
DOES IN AN EMERGENCY--
LEG IT FOR THE HILLS.
IF I DO NOT WIN
THAT SPIRIT OF NOUVION
CONTEST,
I WILL TELL MICHELLE
THAT YOU HAVE A FORGERY
DOWN YOUR OTHER TROUSER LEG,
WHICH YOU INTEND TO GIVE HER.
YOU WOULD NOT DO THAT.
OH, BELIEVE ME, RENE,
THE DECISION OF THE WIFE
OF THE EDITOR IS FINAL.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
YOU WILL WIN.
MICHELLE,
WAIT FOR US.
( theme music playing )