'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s07e07 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
LIFE HAS FINALLY GOT
TOO HOT FOR ME
HERE IN NOUVION,
SO I HAVE DECIDED
TO LEG IT FOR SPAIN.
AS YOU SEE,
I AM DISGUISED--
AS AN ONION SELLER.
I AM ALSO GOING TO BE
TAKING THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES,
WHICH WE STOLE LAST NIGHT
FROM THE SAFE OF HERR FLICK
BY TUNNELING THROUGH
FROM THE OLD BAKERY NEXT DOOR.
UNFORTUNATELY, AS I WAS
REMOVING THE PAINTING
FROM THE BACK OF THE SAFE,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER
OPENED THE FRONT,
AND CAUGHT
A GLIMPSE OF ME.
FORTUNATELY, HE THOUGHT
THAT I WAS THE GHOST
OF MY OWN DEAD TWIN BROTHER,
BECAUSE I WAS COVERED
IN FLOUR AT THE TIME.
SO, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE,
I AM GOING TO PINCH THE BICYCLE
OF OFFICER CRABTREE,
AND HEAD FOR
THE SPANISH BORDER.
IF MY LEGS HOLD OUT,
I SHOULD BE THERE
BY THE END OF THE WAR.
RENE,
WHERE ARE
YOU GOING?
TO SPAIN, MY CHILD.
I AM GOING TO SELL
THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA,
AND THEN SEND FOR YOU.
I THOUGHT YOU GAVE
THE PAINTING
TO MICHELLE,
TO SELL FOR
RESISTANCE FUNDS?
THAT WAS A FORGERY.
THE ORIGINAL IS
IN MY KNAPSACK.
OH, RENE,
DO NOT LEAVE ME.
CAREFUL, YOU WILL
CRUSH MY ONIONS.
OH, RENE,
TAKE ME WITH YOU.
I WILL ENDURE
ANY HARDSHIP
TO BE BY YOUR SIDE.
700 MILES ON MY CROSSBAR
MAY BE TOO MUCH.
GOODBYE, YVETTE.
EXPECT A CARD.
I WILL SIGN IT
"A. SPANIARD,"
THEN YOU CAN REST ASSURED
IT COMES FROM ME.
OH, RENE!
RENE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HOLDING THAT SERVANT GIRL
IN YOUR ARMS?
AND WHY IS SHE CRYING?
YOU STUPID WOMAN!
CAN YOU NOT SEE
THAT THESE ONIONS
ARE MAKING HER WEEP?
I WAS JUST WIPING
HER POOR EYES.
NOW GO BACK TO BED,
YVETTE,
AND DO NOT LOOK BACK.
DO AS HE SAYS.
I WILL BE BRAVE.
( Yvette wails )
RENE,
YOU CANNOT RUN AWAY.
I AM SURE THE GERMANS
WILL ARREST ME
FOR BREAKING INTO THE SAFE
OF HERR FLICK.
NONSENSE.
ONE QUICK GLIMPSE
OF YOUR FACE
COVERED WITH FLOUR
INSIDE A SAFE?
NO ONE WILL BE ABLE
TO PROVE IT WAS YOU.
OH, RENE,
I WILL SWEAR
THAT WE HAVE BEEN
IN BED TOGETHER,
IN A PASSIONATE
EMBRACE, ALL NIGHT.
WELL, THERE GOES
THE CASE FOR THE DEFENSE.
THERE YOU ARE,
RENE.
WE WANT A WORD
WITH YOU.
GOOD MORNING, COLONEL,
LIEUTENANT, CAPTAIN.
SOMEBODY BROKE
INTO HERR FLICK'S SAFE
LAST NIGHT.
YES, WE DID.
BUT SOMEONE HAS
BROKEN IN FROM THE BACK,
AND STOLEN THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA.
AND THIS MORNING,
A TRAIL OF FLOUR FROM THE BAKERY
HAS LED US TO THE DOOR
OF YOUR CAFE.
- NO.
- YES.
NOW YOU TELL THE TRUTH,
OR YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
WHAT YOU HAVE
JUST TOLD ME EXPLAINS
A MYSTERIOUS EVENT THAT HAPPENED
JUST A FEW MOMENTS AGO.
A DISREPUTABLE STRANGER,
ALL COVERED IN FLOUR,
ENTERED THROUGH THAT VERY DOOR
AND TRIED TO SELL ME
THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.
I KNEW YOU WOULD HAVE
AN EXPLANATION.
AND WHAT
DID YOU DO?
HE SENT HIM PACKING.
NO NO.
NO, NO.
YOU ARE HALF ASLEEP,
MY DEAREST.
NO, I CONFISCATED
THE PAINTING,
AND THEN
I SENT HIM PACKING.
OH, YES.
I WAS HALF ASLEEP.
WHERE IS
THE PAINTING NOW?
I WAS JUST ABOUT
TO CYCLE OVER,
AND GIVE IT TO YOU.
EXCELLENT.
LIEUTENANT GRUBER
SWEARS HE SAW SOMEONE,
WHO LOOKED JUST LIKE YOU,
STEAL IT FROM THE SAFE.
THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE.
THE MAN LOOKED
NOTHING AT ALL
LIKE RENE.
HE WAS SHORT
AND SKINNY,
WITH PIGGY EYES
AND A SQUINT.
HE HAD A SCAR
FROM HERE TO HERE,
TWO FRONT TEETH
WERE MISSING.
ALSO,
HE HAD A LIMP.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WERE HALF ASLEEP?
I WAS.
IF I'D BEEN FULLY AWAKE,
I WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE
TO GIVE YOU A MORE
DETAILED DESCRIPTION.
THERE YOU ARE,
COLONEL.
A SIMPLE CASE OF
MISTAKEN IDENTITY.
I THINK WE SHOULD
GIVE RENE
THE BENEFIT
OF THE DOUBT, COLONEL.
WELL, FROM NOW ON,
KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN.
- YES, COLONEL.
- COME ON.
IF YOU DON'T,
YOU WILL BE
IN THE DEEP DOO-DAH.
I SUSPECT THAT YOU
HAVE BEEN
A NAUGHTY BOY, RENE,
BUT I DID NOT WANT
TO GET YOU INTO TROUBLE.
THANK YOU,
LIEUTENANT.
IF THERE IS EVER ANYTHING
I CAN DO IN RETURN.
YES, WELL, NO DOUBT,
I SHALL THINK OF SOMETHING.
UNTIL THEN.
UNTIL THEN.
OH, RENE,
THAT WAS A CLOSE CALL.
MY LEGS HAVE GONE
ALL WOBBLY.
LIEUTENANT GRUBER
SAVED OUR BACON.
HE KNOWS IT WAS ME.
NEXT TIME HE COMES
TO DINNER,
WE WILL MAKE SURE THAT
HE HAS THE BEST TABLE
BY THE WINDOW.
LET US HOPE THAT
IS ALL HE WANTS.
( bell rings )
GOOD MOANING,
HERR FLOCK,
AND GOOD MOANING TO YOU,
HERR VON SMELLHORSEN.
IT IS NOT
A GOOD MORNING.
I WISH TO REPORT
A SERIOUS BURGLARY.
AND WHAT HAS BEEN BIGGLED?
LAST NIGHT,
SOMEONE BLEW DOWN
THE DOOR TO MY SECRET
HEADQUARTERS,
BROKE INTO MY SAFE,
AND STOLE
A VALUABLE PAINTING.
CAN YOU DESCROOB
THIS PINTING?
IT WAS THE FALLEN MADONNA
BY VAN CLOMP.
THE ONE WITH
THE BIG BOOBIES.
THE FILLEN MIDINNA
WITH THE BOG BEEBIES.
I MAY BE ABLE TO HELP YOU,
HERR FLOCK.
I SAW THE MIN
WHO DEED THE DOOD.
YOU DOD? UH, YOU DID?
I WAS OUTSOD
YOUR HEADQUITTERS,
WHEN I SAW
SOME POOPLE
ACTING IN
A SUSPICIOUS
MINNER.
WHY DID YOU
NOT ARREST THEM?
BEFORE I COULD,
THEY HIT ME ON THE HOD,
AND I PISSED OUT.
DID YOU RECOGNIZE
THESES MEN?
I HAD NEVER SEEN THEM
BEFORE IN MY LOAF,
BUT I HAVE DROAN
A ROUGH SKOTCH
WITH MY PINCIL.
THERE WILL BE
A GENEROUS REWARD
FOR INFORMATION
LEADING
TO THE ARREST
OF THESE PEOPLE.
ALTHOUGH,
FROM THIS SKETCH,
THEY APPEAR TO BE
FROM ANOTHER PLANET.
WHAT IS THE REWOD?
100 FRANCS.
THAT'S NOT MUCH.
I'VE GOT MORE THAN THAT
IN MY PIGGY BANK.
MAKE THAT 100 FRANCS
AND HIS PIGGY BANK.
GO TO IT.
I SHALL DO MY BUST.
COME.
WHEN WILL I LEARN
TO KEEP MY TRAP SHUT?
PERHAPS WHEN
YOU ARE TALLER.
DO YOU THINK THIS IS
THE ORIGINAL, GRUBER?
I DON'T TRUST RENE.
OH, YES, COLONEL.
I RECOGNIZE THIS
LITTLE CIRCULAR MARK,
FROM WHEN I HID IT
IN MY QUARTERS.
IS THAT THE SECRET SIGN
OF THE ARTIST?
NO, THAT IS WHERE
I PUT A DAMP GLASS
OF SCHNAPPS ON IT.
GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
GOOD MORNING,
GENTLEMEN.
THE TOWN IS ABUZZ
WITH RUMOR.
IT SEEMS THAT THERE
WAS A BURGLARY CARRIED OUT
AT THE GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS,
AND A CERTAIN PAINTING,
THAT WAS THOUGHT
TO BE MISSING,
IS AGAIN MISSING.
HAVE YOU ANYTHING
TO ADD TO THESE RUMORS?
HAVE WE ANYTHING
TO ADD, GRUBER?
I THINK
WE'RE ABOUT TO.
DON'T TELL ME THE NEWS
IS ALREADY IN THE PAPER.
NO, GENERAL.
BUT THERE'S
GOOD NEWS FOR YOU
UNDER THIS PAPER.
THE PAINTING
IS SAFE.
IT WAS HANDED TO US
A FEW MOMENTS AGO,
ANONYMOUSLY.
WE WERE JUST GOING
TO BRING IT TO YOU.
OH, THIS IS
SPLENDID NEWS.
THE FUHRER WILL
BE DELIGHTED.
I SHALL TAKE IT
TO MY QUARTERS,
FOR SAFEKEEPING.
I SUSPECT THAT
THIS BREAK IN WAS
CARRIED OUT BY YOU
WITHOUT MY PERMISSION,
BUT I SHALL
TURN A BLIND EYE.
VERY NEARLY TRUE,
GENERAL.
MEDALS MAY BE IN ORDER
FOR YOU TWO.
I WAS THE ONE WHO
REVEALED ITS LOCATION.
I SHALL PIN YOURS ON,
PERSONALLY.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
MY MEN BLEW
THE SAFE.
STICK ANOTHER FEATHER
IN YOUR HAT.
IN THE MEANTIME,
GRUBER,
HOW IS THE FIRST EDITION
OF THE NEWSPAPER
PROGRESSING?
IT IS ALMOST READY,
GENERAL.
OH, GOOD.
SINCE OUR PICNIC
WITH THE FRENCH PEASANTS
WAS RUINED
BY THE GESTAPO,
WE SHALL NEED
ANOTHER PICTURE
FOR THE FRONT PAGE,
TO SHOW HOW WELL
WE ARE GETTING ON
WITH THE CONQUERED
FRENCH.
WHAT ABOUT ONE
OF THE GARRISON COMMANDER
ENJOYING AN EVENING OUT
AT THE LOCAL CAFE?
ENJOYING FOOD, WINE
AND ENTERTAINMENT?
I WILL ARRANGE IT
AT ONCE, GENERAL.
EXCELLENT.
I SHALL SEE
YOU ALL TONIGHT.
PERHAPS YOU CAN ARRANGE
FOR THE PIN-UP
OF THE TANK CORPS
TO SIT NEXT TO ME.
THANK YOU, GENERAL.
I WAS REFERRING TO
PRIVATE HELGA GEERHART.
IT WILL BE
A PRIVILEGE.
HEIL HITLER.
HEIL HITLER.
HEIL MUSSOLINI.
DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK.
DAMN IT!
WE'VE LOST
THE PAINTING.
DON'T WORRY.
IF I KEEP IN
WITH THE GENERAL,
WE MAY BE ABLE
TO GET IT BACK.
BY THE WAY,
I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS
PIN-UP OF THE TANK CORPS.
YOU'RE NOT--
IN MY LITTLE TANK.
THANK HEAVENS FOR THAT.
HERR FLICK, THERE ARE
RUMORS IN THE VILLAGE
THAT COLONEL VON STROHM
HAS SOMEHOW OBTAINED
THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WHICH WAS STOLEN
FROM YOUR SAFE.
CURSE IT.
I MIGHT HAVE GUESSED
HE WAS BEHIND IT.
THIS MEANS, I MUST
MAKE UP WITH HELGA,
SO SHE CAN ASSIST
IN ITS RECOVERY.
THAT WILL NOT BE EASY,
HERR FLICK.
SHE WAS NOT VERY PLEASED
WHEN YOU DITCHED HER.
FORTUNATELY,
I HAVE
IN MY DESK DRAWER,
THE GESTAPO MANUAL
ENTITLED,
"HOW TO GET OFF WITH WOMEN
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX,
IN 10 EASY LESSONS,"
WITH AN INTRODUCTION
BY EVA BRAUN.
HERE WE ARE,
CHAPTER FIVE--
"HOW TO MAKE UP WITH
A WOMAN YOU HAVE DITCHED."
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
"THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY
TO WORM YOUR WAY BACK
INTO THE HEART OF A WOMAN
YOU HAVE DITCHED--
GROVEL."
BUT THAT IS AGAINST
YOUR NATURAL INSTINCTS,
HERR FLICK.
THAT IS CORRECT.
SENIOR GESTAPO OFFICERS
ARE NOT USED TO GROVELING.
I MEAN, I CANNOT SEE YOU
BEING MEEK AND HUMBLE,
AND GENERALLY VERY CRAWLY.
I SHALL HAVE
TO TAKE A LEAF
OUT OF YOUR BOOK,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
YOU GIVE ME PLENTY
OF PRACTICE, HERR FLICK.
IT SAYS HERE,
I SHOULD TAKE HER GIFTS,
WRITE HER A POEM,
OR SERENADE HER
WITH A LOVE SONG.
WHAT WOMEN COULD
RESIST SUCH A MAN?
BUT-- CAN YOU SING?
I HAVE A FINE,
TENOR VOICE.
I WILL SING HER A SERENADE
FROM "ROSE MARIE."
( clears throat )
( sings badly )
WHEN I'M CALLING
YOU-OOO.
A SUPERB RENDITION,
HERR FLICK, SUPERB!
IT IS GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU,
FOR A CHANGE,
AN HONEST OPINION.
WILL YOU ANSWER TOO-OOO?
( dogs baying, howling )
YES, COLONEL.
THIS EVENING,
I'LL PASS ON
THE MESSAGE.
WHO WAS THAT?
THAT WAS
THE COLONEL.
THE GENERAL IS COMING HERE
TONIGHT TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED
HAVING A JOLLY TIME
FOR THE NEWSPAPER,
TO SHOW HOW WELL
WE COLLABORATE.
( spits )
IT WAS NOT EASY
TO CONTROL MYSELF.
RENE, WE MUST NOT
UPSET THEM.
WE MUST NOT LET
THE VILLAGERS THINK
WE ARE BEING TOO FRIENDLY,
OR THEY MAY STOP COMING.
BUT, OF COURSE,
I SHALL SING FOR THEM.
IT IS ONLY EXPECTED.
WELL, THAT SHOULD
CONVINCE THE VILLAGE
THAT WE HAVE AT LEAST
GOT SOME FIGHT LEFT.
RENE,
I MUST TALK
TO YOU URGENTLY.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING
IN OUR BACK PASSAGE?
I WAS TESTING THE WINE BARRELS
THAT WILL TRANSPORT
THE BRITISH AIRMEN
DOWN THE RIVER TO THE SEA,
SO THEY CAN BE PICKED UP
BY THE BOAT SQUADRON.
TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT.
WHERE ARE THESE BARRELS?
IN YOUR CELLAR.
THE AIRMEN ARE JUST
TRYING THEM FOR SIZE.
OH MY GOD.
COME AND SAY
FAREWELL TO THEM.
THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME
YOU WILL SEE THEM.
MY PLAN IS FOOLPROOF.
NOW WHERE HAVE
I HEARD THAT BEFORE?
THESE ARE THE
SPECIAL BARRELS.
- HELLO.
- HELLO.
WE ARE ACCLIMATIZING THEM
TO BEING IN THE BARRELS.
HELLO, CHAPS.
EVERYTHING OKAY?
I'VE GOT PINS
AND NEEDLES
EVERYWHERE.
YOU'RE LUCKY,
I THINK I'VE
GOT WOODWORM.
MICHELLE, HOW WILL
THE BOAT SQUADRON
SEE THEM IN THE DARK?
I WILL DEMONSTRATE.
RIGHT, CHAPS,
READY TO RUN
THROUGH THE DRILL?
- SPLENDID.
- JOLLY GOOD.
THIS IS
AN HAREBRAINED PLAN.
AT LEAST IT WILL
GET RID OF THEM.
FOR GOOD,
I SHOULD THINK.
OKAY, CHAPS.
YOU'RE OUT AT SEA, GO!
READY TO FLASH?
READY.
TALLY-HO!
INCREDIBLE.
SO THAT IS WHERE
MY BATHROOM BULBS WENT!
EACH BARREL IS EQUIPPED
WITH A LONGLIFE,
HEAVY DUTY BATTERY,
WHICH IS ATTACHED
TO THE BULBS.
WELL DONE, CHAPS.
( yelling )
FOOLPROOF?
Flick:
WHEN I'M CALLING
YOU-OOO
WILL YOU ANSWER ♪
TOO-OOO?
GOOD MORNING,
HELGA.
DID YOU ENJOY
MY LITTLE SERENADE?
IS THAT WHAT IT WAS?
I THOUGHT IT WAS
ONE OF THE PEASANTS
SKINNING A CAT.
DO I DETECT
A CERTAIN COLDNESS
IN YOUR DEMEANOR AS A RESULT
OF OUR LOVERS' TIFF?
WHAT DO YOU WANT,
HERR FLICK?
I SEE YOU INTEND
TO MAKE IT
DIFFICULT FOR ME,
HELGA.
PERHAPS
YOU WILL MELT
WHEN I READ YOU
THIS POEM.
"I LOVE YOU MORE
THAN WORDS CAN SAY,
FROM YOUR HEAD
DOWN TO YOUR TOES.
I AM LOST FOR WORDS
TO SHOW MY LOVE,
SO PLEASE,
ACCEPT THIS ROSE."
THAT IS A DEAD COD.
ROSES ARE
OUT OF SEASON.
I ONLY FOUND OUT
AFTER I HAD WRITTEN
THE POEM.
IT WILL TAKE MORE
THAN A DEAD COD
TO GET AROUND ME.
YOU WILL BE
PLEASED TO HEAR
THAT I HAVE DECIDED
TO FORGIVE YOU.
I AM WILLING
TO TAKE YOU BACK,
IF YOU PROMISE
TO BEHAVE.
BY THE WAY,
WHERE IS THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA?
THE GENERAL HAS IT
IN HIS QUARTERS
IN HIS CHATEAU.
THANK YOU.
YOU MAY KISS ME.
I'D RATHER KISS THE COD.
WELL, HELP ME
GET IT BACK
AND WE WILL
SHARE THE PROCEEDS.
WHEN I WAS MAD ABOUT YOU,
I MIGHT HAVE HELPED.
BUT NOW THAT YOU
HAVE DITCHED ME,
I HAVE MY OWN PLANS.
THE GENERAL'S
QUITE KEEN ON ME.
PLEASE, HELGA.
AH, ROSES FOR
THE BEAUTIFUL LADY.
WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
OH, CAPTAIN BERTORELLI,
WHAT LOVELY FLOWERS.
YOU CERTAINLY KNOW
HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN,
UNLIKE CERTAIN OTHERS.
I THOUGHT
MAYBE TONIGHT,
BEFORE WE MEET
THE GENERAL IN THE CAFE,
WE COULD TAKE A STROLL
IN THE MOONLIGHT,
AND DO THE CANOODLE.
OH, WHAT FUN.
PERHAPS YOU WOULD RATHER
HAVE A LITTLE LUNCH
WITH ME?
WE COULD
GRILL SOME SAUSAGES
OVER MY UPTURNED
ELECTRIC FIRE.
HOW ABOUT A PICNIC
IN THE WOODS?
THAT SOUNDS
MUCH MORE EXCITING.
MAYBE WE COULD
LEARN SOMETHING
FROM THE BIRDS
AND THE BEES.
MAYBE THEY COULD LEARN
SOMETHING FROM US.
IT'S SO NICE
TO BE GOING OUT
WITH A REAL MAN
AT LAST.
O SOLE MIO
( radio buzzing )
AAAH! THE KNOBS,
THE FLASHING KNOBS!
THEY ARE
DEAD ON TIME.
QUICK,
LIFT THE BED.
ARGH!
WILL THIS FLASHING
NEVER CEASE?
SHUT UP, YOU OLD BAT.
'ALLO, LONDON,
'ALLO, LONDON.
THIS IS NIGHTHAWK.
WHAT IS YOUR MESSAGE?
OVER.
Man:
We will be looking out
for the two seabirds
from midnight onwards.
Is everything okay?
Over.
WELL, APART FROM THE FACT
THAT WE HAVE TO ENTERTAIN
HALF THE GERMAN ARMY
TO DINNER,
AND THE SEABIRDS HAVE
FUSED THEIR FLASHERS,
ALL IS WELL. OVER.
Understood.
Over and out.
AS SOON AS
THE GERMANS HAVE GONE,
WE WILL ROLL THE BARRELS
DOWN TO THE RIVER.
ARGH.
WHAT IS HAPPENING,
FANNY?
HAVE I MISSED
ANYTHING?
SOME OLD BIRD'S FLASHER
HAS BEEN FUSED.
IT WAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH ME.
Flick:
CAN YOU SEE THEM,
VON SMALLHAUSEN?
YES, HERR FLICK.
THE ITALIAN HAS
PUT HIS JACKET
DOWN ON THE GRASS,
AND HAS TAKEN OUT
A SANDWICH.
AND HELGA?
SHE SITS NEXT TO HIM.
THE TROLLOP.
SHE IS TRYING TO MAKE
YOU JEALOUS, HERR FLICK.
I AM AWARE OF THIS.
FORTUNATELY,
I HAVE IT UNDER
CONTROL.
( knuckles crack )
PERHAPS YOU SHOULD
MAKE HER JEALOUS OF YOU,
THEN SHE MIGHT HELP YOU
GET BACK THE PAINTING.
THE IDEA HAS ALREADY
GERMINATED IN MY BRAIN.
TONIGHT, WE SHALL GO
TO CAFE RENE
IN OUR GLAD RAGS,
IN ORDER TO CHAT UP
THE WAITRESSES.
THAT SHOULD HAVE HER
HOPPING UP AND DOWN.
Von Smallhausen:
THE ITAI IS PUTTING
HIS ARMS ROUND HER.
THE OILY WOP.
HIS FEATHERS ARE QUIVERING.
Bertorelli:
I THINK SOMEONE IS
SPYING ON US UP A TREE.
I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.
NOW KISS ME ON THE CHEEK,
AND TRY NOT TO GET
YOUR FEATHERS UP MY NOSE.
Von Smallhausen:
HE IS KISSING HER.
I CANNOT BEAR
TO WATCH.
JUST AS WELL.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
I CANNOT BEAR
THE SUSPENSE.
AAA-ARGH!
HERR GENERAL,
WHAT AN HONOR.
I HAVE RESERVED
OUR BEST TABLE
FOR YOU.
OF COURSE YOU HAVE.
IS THE PHOTOGRAPHER
READY TO RECORD US
ENJOYING OURSELVES?
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
AT YOUR SERVICE, SIR.
HE HAS HIS CAMERA
AND THREE FOOT STAND.
I THINK IT BEST YOU
TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH
AT THE APPROPRIATE
MOMENT.
HELGA, I WILL
SIT NEXT TO YOU.
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI,
YOU WILL SIT OPPOSITE.
REMEMBER TO SMILE
AT THE PEASANTS,
TO SHOW HOW WELL
WE GET ON WITH THEM.
FOOD AND WINE.
NOTHING SPECIAL.
WE WILL EAT WHAT
THE PEASANTS EAT.
WE WILL DRINK WHAT
THE PEASANTS DRINK.
YES, GENERAL,
WE HAVE A SPECIAL DISH,
TYPICAL OF OUR REGION.
NOW.
I LOVE
THE FRENCH FOOD.
I SMELL THE SMELL
AND MY STOMACH,
IT GOES MAD.
AH, SNAILS.
SNAILS HAVE NEVER
BEEN MY FAVORITE DISH.
WE WILL ENJOY THEM.
THEY ARE
VERY LIGHTLY COOKED
WITH GARLIC
AND WHITE WINE.
SOME OF THEM MORE LIGHTLY
COOKED THAN OTHERS.
THIS ONE APPEARS
RELUCTANT TO BE EATEN.
PERHAPS HE IS
FEELING UNWELL
AND DID NOT WISH
TO UPSET YOUR STOMACH.
I WILL RETURN IT
TO THE GARDEN.
I SEE THE TWO WAITRESSES,
HERR FLICK.
WE WILL KNOCK THEM DEAD
IN THESE CLOTHES.
I WILL FONDLE ONE
ON MY KNEE,
AND HELGA WILL GO MAD
WITH JEALOUSY.
IT WILL MAKE ME HOT
UNDER THE COLLAR.
WE WILL TAKE
THIS TABLE.
HAVE YOU CHECKED UP
ON THE--
ON THE MANUAL,
HERR FLICK?
I HAVE IT HERE.
WAITRESS.
WAITRESS.
WHAT IS ALL THIS?
IF YOU REQUIRE
A DRINK,
PUT YOUR HAND UP
AND WAIT.
I'M SO SORRY.
IT'S HERR FLICK.
IGNORE HIM.
TELL ME, WHAT IS
A DUMPY GIRL LIKE YOU,
DOING IN A NICE PLACE
LIKE THIS?
PARDON?
WHY DO YOU NOT
COME BACK TO MY PLACE
AND I WILL SHOW YOU
A GOOD TIME, BABY.
GET FRESH
WITH ME, PAL,
AND I'LL
SLIT YOUR THROAT.
PLAYING HARD TO GET.
EITHER MY TECHNIQUE
NEEDS POLISHING,
OR THE AUTHOR
NEEDS TO BE SHOT.
LANDLORD, WE ARE READY
FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT.
IS THE CAMERA STANDING BY?
I AM STANDING BY,
MONSIEUR.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MADAM EDITH
WILL SING FOR YOU
IN HER OWN
INIMITABLE STYLE.
NOTHING CHANGES.
I'M NAUGHTY BUT NICE ♪
IF YOU WINK AT ME TWICE ♪
I SHALL KNOW
THAT YOU'RE MY KIND OF CHAP
IF YOU GIVE ME A NOD
'CAUSE YOU'RE HERE
ON YOUR TOD
I'LL COME AND SIT
ON YOUR LAP
NOBODY MOVE.
I'M NAUGHTY
IT'S TRUE
BUT I BET
SO ARE YOU
HANDS UP THOSE WHO WANT
TO BE KISSED
IF YOU DON'T TRY,
YOU COULD VERY WELL DIE
NEVER KNOWING JUST WHAT
YOU HAD MISSED
I'M NAUGHTY,
YOU SEE
AND IF YOU
STARE AT ME
I SHALL HAVE
TO PICK YOU FOR A DATE ♪
I CAN TELL
YOU'RE ALL KEEN
BUT I'M GOING
TO BE MEAN
I'M AFRAID YOU WILL
JUST HAVE TO
WAIT.
( silence )
THAT WAS
A NARROW SQUEAK.
THE PHOTOGRAPH WILL
NOW BE TAKEN OF US ALL
ENJOYING THIS RELENTLESS
ATTACK ON OUR EARDRUMS.
I AM READY, GENERAL.
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI,
I MUST NOT BE
OUT-MEDALED IN A PICTURE.
YOU, RESUME
YOUR SINGING POSE.
WE WILL PRETEND
TO GAZE IN RAPTURE.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO POP
A SNAIL INTO YOUR MOUTH,
TO SHOW HOW MUCH
YOU HAVE ENJOYED THE MEAL?
NO, BUT, ER,
GRUBER CAN.
ENJOY IT, GRUBER,
ENJOY IT.
YES, BUT HE KEEPS WIGGLING
ONE OF HIS
LITTLE THINGS AT ME.
General:
THAT JUST GOES TO SHOW
HOW POPULAR YOU ARE.
SHALL WE TRY
THE OTHER WAITRESS,
HERR FLICK?
YES. I THINK THIS TIME,
THE MORE DIRECT
APPROACH IS REQUIRED.
PEASANT WOMEN
DO NOT APPRECIATE
THE SUBTLE ADVANCE.
NOW, MY FINE FILLY,
YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL
WHO ENJOYS
A BIT OF A TICKLE
AND A SLAP.
OH!
OH!
WHAT IS GOING ON?
IT'S HERR FLICK.
HE SLAPPED
THE WAITRESS' BOTTOM.
HE'S MAKING
A BAD IMPRESSION.
THIS IS DISGRACEFUL.
WE CANNOT HAVE GERMANS
BEHAVING IN THIS WAY.
GUARDS, THROW
THE TWO PERVERTS OUT.
YOU CANNOT DO THIS.
WE ARE THE GESTAPO.
General:
MOLESTING PEASANT GIRLS
IS A PASTIME RESERVED
ONLY FOR GENERALS.
THIS IS THE LAST TIME
I GO OUT WOMANIZING
WITH YOU,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
I AM SORRY
ABOUT THIS, GENERAL.
I HOPE IT HASN'T
RUINED YOUR EVENING.
ON THE CONTRARY,
EJECTING NASTY
GESTAPO FELLOWS
HAS QUITE
MADE MY NIGHT.
General:
NOW HOLD THOSE POSES.
WE ARE READY
FOR THE PHOTO.
SMILE.
HURRY UP, I'M RUNNING
OUT OF SINCERITY.
GOT IT.
AND--
I HAVE GOT IT.
IT IS A GOOD ONE.
I WILL DEVELOP IT.
GOOD.
CHEERS.
MY WORD, THIS IS A REALLY
EXCELLENT VINTAGE.
JUST A LOCAL WINE
FROM OUR CELLAR, GENERAL.
OH, SHOW ME.
COME, LET US
GO AND SEE
THIS TREASURE-TROVE.
YES, OF COURSE,
GEN--
YOU MUST TAKE A BOTTLE
OR TWO HOME WITH YOU.
COME THIS WAY.
EDITH.
HEY,
NOW WE GOT RID
OF VON KLINKYHOFFEN,
WHAT SAY WE TAKE
ANOTHER STROLL
IN THE MOONLIGHT?
THERE IS A TIME
AND A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING.
IS THIS THE TIME?
WHAT A MISTAKE TO MAKE.
GENERAL.
MMM, INTERESTING.
THIS IS TRULY INCREDIBLE.
A '26 CLARET.
A PARTICULARLY
GOOD YEAR.
AND TWO BARRELS OF IT.
YOU DO NOT WANT
THE OLD STUFF, GENERAL.
THE WINE YOU LIKE
IS OVER HERE.
TAKE IT ALL.
NONSENSE.
THIS IS FAR TOO GOOD
TO BE WASTED
IN A PEASANT CAFE.
SEE TO IT
THAT WE TAKE BOTH BARRELS
WITH US WHEN WE LEAVE.
THEN WE SHALL KEEP IT
FOR SOME SPECIAL OCCASION.
HOW ABOUT WHEN
THE WAR IS OVER?
WHEN YOU HAVE
WON IT, THAT IS.
WELL DONE, RENE.
YOU HAVE PUT HIM
IN A GOOD MOOD.
RENE, WE MUST
WARN THE AIRMEN.
HOW CAN WE?
AND THEY DO NO
SPEAK FRENCH.
OH, RENE,
WHAT CAN WE DO?
- HELLO.
- HELLO.
Fairfax:
OH, GOOD.
I THINK HE'S SAYING
WE'RE LEAVING.
CHEERIO.
CHEERIO.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
ASK MICHELLE
FOR TWO MORE BARRELS,
SO WE CAN ESCAPE AS WELL.
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