'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s07e08 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
THINGS HAVE GONE
FROM BAD TO WORSE
HERE IN NOUVION.
WE WERE JUST ABOUT
TO SEND THE AIRMEN
OUT TO SEA
IN TWO WINE BARRELS
WHICH WERE
HIDDEN IN MY CELLAR,
WHEN GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN
CONFISCATED THE BARRELS
BECAUSE HE THOUGHT
THAT THEY CONTAINED
A RATHER GOOD
'26 CLARET.
NEEDLESS TO SAY,
THE AIRMEN ARE NOW
IN HIS CELLAR
AT THE CHATEAU.
IF HE DECIDES
TO SAMPLE THE CLARET,
I AM A DEAD MAN.
SEE, MY HANDS ARE SHAKING.
IN THE ABSENCE OF--
OF TRANQUILIZERS,
I AM MIXING GIN
WITH ACORN COFFEE.
I FIND THAT IT HELPS
TO CALM ME DOWN.
Edith:
RENE.
LOOK.
THE FIRST EDITION
OF THE NEW NOUVION NEWSPAPER
IS ON THE STREETS.
I DO KNOW, EDITH.
I AM THE EDITOR.
YOU ARE
VERY NAUGHTY, RENE.
YOU DID NOT TELL ME
I HAD BEEN CHOSEN
AS THE SPIRIT OF NOUVION.
WELL, AFTER ALL
YOUR NAGGING,
WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?
LOOK AT MY PICTURE.
TO THINK OF MY FACE
STARING OUT
OF ALL THE NEWSSTANDS.
AND UNDER THE TITLE,
"THE SPIRIT OF NOUVION
REPRESENTS STRENGTH,
VIRTUE AND BEAUTY."
YOU MUST REMEMBER, EDITH,
IT IS A PROPAGANDA PAPER.
- RENE.
- HMM?
IS THERE NOT SOME WAY
I CAN SHOW MY APPRECIATION?
AFTER ALL,
THE CAFE IS EMPTY.
YES, OF COURSE, EDITH.
THE SINK BEHIND
THE BAR IS BUNGED UP.
GO AND SEE IF YOU CAN
CLEAR IT OUT, WILL YOU?
PSST.
IF I AM PUT UNDER
ANY MORE STRAIN
I AM GOING TO BE
OUT OF GIN.
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
I HAVE HAD THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES
WE STOLE FROM
HERR FLICK'S SAFE
VALUED BY AN EXPERT.
IT IS A FORGERY.
NO.
BUT HOW DO YOU TELL?
HER BOOBIES
ARE NOT BIG ENOUGH.
THEY LOOK ALL RIGHT TO ME.
I ALSO FOUND OUT
THAT SOMEHOW,
THE ORIGINAL IS
IN THE POSSESSION
OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
AT THE CHATEAU.
WE MUST GET IT.
WE NEED THE FUNDS
FOR THE RESISTANCE.
I AM MORE CONCERNED ABOUT
THE AIRMEN THAN THIS PAINTING.
IF THEY ARE FOUND
IN BARRELS
THAT CAME FROM MY CELLAR,
WE WILL BE SHOT.
HE IS RIGHT.
THE PAINTING IS
OF SECONDARY IMPORTANCE.
I AGREE.
I WILL PUT THE BEST BRAINS
OF THE RESISTANCE
ONTO THE PROBLEM
OF RESCUING THE AIRMEN.
HOWEVER, THE RESISTANCE
IS STILL VERY SHORT OF FUNDS.
( register rings )
WHEN THE PAINTING
IS RECOVERED AND SOLD,
YOU WILL BE REIMBURSED.
BUT NOW, I MUST
VANISH LIKE A PHANTOM
TO THE HAIRDRESSER'S.
OH, RENE,
YOU LOOK SO WORRIED.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO GET YOU SOME MORE GIN?
BOLS.
I WILL GET YOU
SOME ANYWAY.
Colonel:
I MUST SAY, GRUBER,
THIS FIRST EDITION
IS NOT AT ALL BAD.
CONGRATULATIONS.
I SUPERVISED RENE
TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY,
MAKING SURE
HE ONLY PUT IN THE PAPER
WHAT I TOLD HIM.
WHY YOU HAVE
SO MANY ARTICLES
ABOUT GENERAL
VON KINKYHOFFEN?
BECAUSE HE IS
THE GARRISON COMMANDER.
AND HE HAS A BIG HEAD.
LOOK.
HE INSISTED
ON HAVING HIS PICTURE
ON THE FRONT PAGE.
WHAT AN IDIOT HE LOOKS.
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
AH, I SEE YOU ARE
ALL READING THE PAPER.
THE COLONEL,
HE WAS JUST SAYING
HOW HANDSOME YOU LOOK
ON THE FRONT PAGE.
YES, I DO LOOK
RATHER DASHING, DON'T I?
THAT IS AN EXCELLENT
ARTICLE, GRUBER.
YOU WROTE ABOUT
HOW WE ARE WINNING THE WAR.
I MERELY TOOK DOWN
YOUR DICTATION, GENERAL.
WHY YOU NO PRINT
HOW THE ITALIANS
ARE WINNING THE WAR?
WHEN YOU START,
WE WILL.
NOW, COLONEL,
I'VE HAD ANOTHER IDEA
FOR CEMENTING RELATIONSHIPS
WITH THE CONQUERED
FRENCH PEASANTS.
I AM ALL EARS.
A MARRIAGE BETWEEN
AN OFFICER
OF THE OCCUPYING FORCES
AND A FRENCH PEASANT WOMAN
WOULD BE AN EXCELLENT
PROPAGANDA COUP.
I AM NOT SURE
THAT THE PEASANTS
ARE TOO KEEN
ON MARRYING MEMBERS
OF THE OCCUPYING FORCES.
THE PROSPECTIVE HUSBAND
MUST PERSUADE HER
THAT IT IS A GOOD IDEA.
I'VE ALREADY
SELECTED THE WOMAN.
THIS ONE.
THE SPIRIT OF NOUVION.
BUT THAT'S MADAME EDITH
FROM THE CAFE.
AS I UNDERSTAND IT, ALWAYS
VERY FRIENDLY TOWARDS YOU.
I DON'T FANCY
CEMENTING RELATIONS
WITH MADAM EDITH.
YOU WON'T HAVE TO.
YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED.
OH, YES.
SO, I AM.
THANK HEAVENS.
LIEUTENANT GRUBER
AND CAPTAIN BERTORELLI
WILL DRAW STRAWS
FOR THE HONOR
OF PROPOSING TO HER.
BUT WE DON'T HAVE
ANY STRAWS,
AND I AM NOT
OF THE MARRYING KIND.
I AM MORE THE LOVE 'EM
AND LEAVE 'EM.
SILENCE.
YOU WILL DRAW PENCILS.
WHOEVER GETS
THE SHORTER ONE,
WILL MARRY THE PEASANT.
AND THEN, OF COURSE,
WHEN THE WAR IS OVER,
WE CAN
HAVE IT CANCELED.
HEH HEH HEH.
BAD LUCK.
GENERAL,
I CANNOT DO IT.
WHAT?
WELL, MY MOTHER
HAS ALWAYS HOPED
THAT I WOULD MARRY
A NICE BLONDE GERMAN.
A GIRL, THAT IS.
HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN
VERY RETICENT
WHERE WOMEN
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
ARE CONCERNED.
THIS IS TRUE.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI HERE
IS ALWAYS TELLING
US HE'S IRRESISTIBLE,
TO WOMEN
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.
REALLY?
HE NEVER FAILS.
THEN CAPTAIN BERTORELLI
WILL MARRY
THE SPIRIT OF NOUVION.
BUT, GENERAL--
QUIET!
THAT IS AN ORDER.
WHY CAN'T I MARRY
ONE OF THE WAITRESSES?
THE TALL ONE
WITH THE NICE BUM?
YOU WILL DO
AS YOU'RE TOLD.
IF, HOWEVER,
SHE REFUSES YOU,
THEN YOU CAN
HAVE A GO AT THE WAITRESS.
I AM SUDDENLY DEPRESSED.
LOOK, MY FEATHERS--
THEY DROOP.
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI,
REMEMBER,
THE MONEY FROM THE CAFE
WILL KEEP YOU IN COMFORT.
AND YOU CAN CHASE
THE WAITRESSES ALL NIGHT,
WHILST THE SPIRIT OF NOUVION
IS ASLEEP.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
IN THE DAY I MAKE
THE MONEY.
IN THE NIGHT I MAKE
THE PASS.
MADAM EDITH,
SHE WILL NOT RESIST ME.
I GO TO THE CAFE TODAY
TO ASK FOR HER HAND.
GOOD, AND WE WILL HAVE
A RECEPTION AT THE CHATEAU
TO MAKE THE OFFICIAL
ANNOUNCEMENT.
COLONEL, YOU CAN INVITE
ALL THE LOCAL DIGNITARIES.
HEIL HITLER.
HEIL HITLER.
HEIL MUSSOLINI.
( chuckles )
WHAT IF SHE SAYS NO?
NONSENSE.
YOU ARE THE MOST HANDSOME
MAN IN NOUVION.
YOU'LL GET THE CAFE
AND THE GIRLS.
YES, IT'S CALLED HAVING
YOUR CAKE AND EATING IT.
THE CAFE IS OKAY,
BUT THE CRUMBLY OLD CAKE
I COULD DO WITHOUT.
YOU WANTED TO SEE ME,
HERR FLICK?
YES, VON SMALLHAUSEN.
MY INFORMANTS TELL ME
THAT THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES,
WHICH WAS STOLEN
FROM UNDER MY NOSE
WHILE MY BACK
WAS TURNED,
IS ON DISPLAY IN GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN'S
QUARTERS AT THE CHATEAU.
CURSE! IT IS
BEYOND OUR REACH.
NOTHING IS BEYOND
THE REACH OF THE GESTAPO.
BUT THE CHATEAU
IS HEAVILY GUARDED
IN FRONT, HERR FLICK,
AND THERE IS A MOAT
AT THE REAR.
HOW WILL WE GET IN?
WE WILL SWIM ACROSS
THE MOAT
IN THESE
SPECIAL GESTAPO
FROGMEN SUITS.
WE WILL THEN SCALE
THE WALL
WITH THE AID OF THIS
COMPRESSED AIR MECHANISM,
WHICH WILL FIRE
THIS GRAPPLING IRON
ONTO THE ROOF
OF THE CASTLE.
WE WILL THEN CREATE
A DIVERSION,
AND STEAL THE PAINTING.
THERE IS ONE PROBLEM
WITH YOUR PLAN,
HERR FLICK.
AND WHAT IS THIS?
I CANNOT SWIM.
CLIMB ONTO THE TABLE,
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
AND LIE UPON YOUR FACE.
YES, HERR FLICK.
I HAVE HERE
THE GESTAPO MANUAL
ENTITLED,
"LEARNING TO SWIM
VERY VERY QUICKLY."
WE WILL START
WITH THE BREAST STROKE.
FASTER, VON SMALLHAUSEN.
IT IS A VERY WIDE MOAT.
YOU MUST HELP ME.
IT IS URGENT.
I HAVE TAKEN
ENOUGH RISKS ALREADY.
WHAT IS SO URGENT
THAT YOU COME HERE
IN DAYLIGHT, THROUGH
THE FRONT DOOR?
WELL, AS YOU KNOW,
I AM CONSTANTLY ON THE MOVE.
I'VE HAD NO TIME
TO DO MY WASHING.
PLEASE KEEP
THE WHITES SEPARATE,
TWO DRYS, AND TRY NOT
TO SHRINK THE UNDERWEAR.
I NEED TO BE ABLE TO MOVE
QUICKLY IN AN EMERGENCY.
RENE, LIEUTENANT GRUBER
IS HEADING THIS WAY.
I WAS AT THE BUTCHER'S.
I CAME TO WARN YOU.
TAKE THE WASHING
INTO THE KITCHEN.
MICHELLE, QUICK.
COME WITH ME
INTO THE BACK ROOM.
QUICK, QUICK, QUICK.
RENE, I'M SO GLAD
I FOUND YOU ALONE.
ONLY JUST.
I HAVE COME TO WARN YOU.
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN,
IN THE INTERESTS
OF IMPROVING RELATIONS
WITH THE PEASANTS,
HAS ORDERED CAPTAIN BERTORELLI
TO MARRY MADAM EDITH.
NO.
YES.
BUT WHY DID HE
PICK ON HER?
AND THEN AGAIN,
WHY PICK ON HIM?
SHE IS THE SPIRIT OF NOUVION.
WHAT BETTER CHOICE
COULD THERE BE?
OH MY GOD.
SO, CONFIDENT IS
THE GENERAL OF THE OUTCOME,
THAT HE HAS ORGANIZED
A RECEPTION
FOR THE VILLAGE DIGNITARIES
AT THE CHATEAU,
TO ANNOUNCE THE ENGAGEMENT.
WHAT A NERVE.
OF COURSE,
SHE WILL REFUSE.
IT MIGHT BE BETTER
IF YOU GOT MADAM EDITH
INTO HIDING,
IN CASE SHE FALLS
FOR HIS IRRESISTIBLE CHARM,
WHICH I MUST SAY
ESCAPES ME.
I AM GRATEFUL, LIEUTENANT,
FOR THE WARNING.
IF I CAN SAVE ANYONE
FROM THE TORTURE
OF MATRIMONY, I WILL.
IF ONLY YOU HAD
BEEN AROUND 25 YEARS AGO.
IF ONLY I HAD.
WE HEARD EVERY WORD.
RENE, WHY DID YOU NOT
TELL THE LIEUTENANT
THAT YOU ARE
MARRIED TO ME?
YOU WERE MARRIED
TO THE RENE WHO WAS SHOT.
I AM HIS TWIN BROTHER
FROM NANCY.
HOW QUICKLY
YOU FORGET THE PLOT.
WHEN HE PROPOSES,
I SHALL TELL THAT ITAI
TO GET KNOTTED.
OH, NO,
LET'S NOT BE HASTY.
EVERY CLOUD
HAS A SILVER LINING.
THEY ARE TO HOLD
A RECEPTION AT THE CHATEAU,
WHICH GIVES US
A SPLENDID CHANCE
TO GET
THE BRITISH AIRMEN OUT.
NO, I AM SORRY.
IT IS OUT OF THE QUESTION.
BUT, DO YOU NOT SEE?
IF THE AIRMEN ARE FOUND
IN THE WINE BARRELS
THAT CAME
FROM YOUR CELLAR,
YOU COULD BE SHOT.
I KNOW THAT.
BUT YOU CANNOT JUST
WALK OUT OF THERE
WITH TWO WINE BARRELS.
WE DO NOT HAVE TO.
I HAVE MADE
SOME PRELIMINARY NOTES.
BENEATH THE CELLARS
IS AN UNDERGROUND STREAM.
WE CAN DROP THE BARRELS
WITH THE AIRMEN INTO IT.
THE BARRELS WILL FLOAT
DOWN THE RIVER,
AND OUT TO SEA,
TO RENDEZVOUS
WITH THE BOAT SQUADRON
FROM ENGLAND.
BUT THE CHATEAU
WILL BE FULL OF GERMANS.
AND HOW DO WE GET
INTO THE CELLAR?
LISTEN.
THERE IS A TUNNEL
TO THE CELLARS
FROM THE MONASTERY.
A LOCKED DOOR PREVENTS
ENTRY TO THE CELLARS.
YOU MUST OPEN THE DOOR
FROM THE INSIDE
DURING THE RECEPTION,
AND LET US IN.
IT IS A PERFECT PLAN.
BUT HOW DO WE
GET TO THE CELLAR
FROM THE RECEPTION?
THE LIVING QUARTERS
OF THE GENERAL
ARE AT THE TOP
OF THE CHATEAU.
ONE PAIR OF KNICKERS
AND THREE POUNDS OF SAUSAGES.
NO, NO, I'M SORRY,
I WILL READ THAT AGAIN,
THOSE ARE PERSONAL NOTES.
I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT.
THERE IS A DUMBWAITER
OUTSIDE THE ROOM
OF GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
YOU WILL PUT IN IT
YOUR SMALL WAITRESS, MIMI,
AND WIND HER
DOWN TO THE CELLAR.
SHE WILL UNLOCK
THE INTERCONNECTING DOOR.
I WILL ENTER
WITH MY GIRLS
AND DROP THE BARRELS
INTO THE STREAM.
IT IS SIMPLE.
O SOLE MIO
IT IS CAPTAIN BERTORELLI
APPROACHING NOW.
YOU WILL BE DOING
THIS FOR FRANCE, EDITH.
YOU MUST SAY YES.
BE BRAVE, MADAM EDITH,
AND DON'T WORRY,
WE'LL GET YOU OUT OF I
BEFORE THE WEDDING.
EXCUSE ME WHILE I VANISH
INTO THE BACK ROOM.
( singing in Italian )
AH, THE BEAUTIFUL LADY.
I BRING YOU THESE
BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS.
THAT IS VERY
KIND OF YOU.
( coughs )
I DON'T BEAT ABOUT
THE BUSH, MADAM EDITH.
I ACCEPT.
I COME HERE TODAY TO ASK
FOR YOU HAND IN MARRIAGE.
I ACCEPT.
TOGETHER WE HAVE
A WONDERFUL TIME TOGETHER.
WE GO FOR WALKS
IN THE MOONLIGHT.
WE KISS WITH PASSION
UNDER THE STARS.
I ACCEPT.
THEN WE COME HOME,
AND COUNT THE TAKINGS
FROM THE TILL.
I GO ON MY BENDED KNEES,
PLEASE SAY YES.
I ALREADY SAID YES.
WERE YOU NOT LISTENING?
YOU DID?
OH, MAMMA MIA,
THEN IT IS DONE.
TONIGHT WE HAVE
A BIG RECEPTION
AT THE CASTLE
TO TELL EVERYONE
HOW MUCH
WE LOVE EACH OTHER.
NOW I GIVE YOU
THE KISS.
JUST A LITTLE ONE.
TONIGHT,
WHEN I COME BACK--
WHEN I COME BACK
TO TAKE YOU TO THE RECEPTION,
I BRING YOU
THE ENGAGEMENT RING
WITH THE DIAMONDS
AND THE SAPPHIRES.
YOU MEAN YOU ARE
RICH AS WELL?
DON'T WORRY, I CHARGE IT
TO THE BUSINESS.
WELL DONE,
MADAM EDITH.
WE SAW AND HEARD
EVERYTHING.
OH, RENE,
WHEN HE FORCED
HIS LIPS ON MINE
IT MUST HAVE BEEN
DIFFICULT FOR YOU
TO CONTROL YOURSELF.
IT WAS.
THERE ARE STILL
TEARS IN MY EYES.
AND THEN I REALIZED
THAT HE IS MORE INTERESTED
IN THE TAKINGS
FROM THE CAFE
THAN IN YOU.
OH, RENE.
WHILE YOU
STILL LOVE ME,
HIS FINGER WILL NEVER
BE ON MY TILL.
THAT IS A GREAT COMFORT.
AH, GOOD,
THE SANDWICHES.
YOU THERE?
IS EVERYTHING READY?
YES, GENERAL.
THE GIRLS MUST MAKE SURE
THAT EVERYONE'S GLASSES
ARE FILLED AT ALL TIMES.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE
A HAPPY OCCASION.
THE INVITED DIGNITARIES
ARE HERE.
OH, ANNOUNCE THEM.
THE HEAD
OF THE NOUVION POLICE!
GOOD MOANING.
I AM VIRY PLOSED
TO MOOT YOU,
GENERAL
VON KLONKERHIFFEN,
LIEUTENANT GREEBER,
COLONEL VON STREAM.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
THE MAYOR,
THE UNDERTAKER,
THE HAIRDRESSER,
THE VINEYARD OWNER,
AND THE PHOTOGRAPHER.
WHERE ARE THE OTHER
FIVE PEOPLE YOU ANNOUNCED?
PARDON? OH, THEY ARE
ALL ME, GENERAL.
ALLOW ME
TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
MY CARD.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
FUNERALS AND BURIALS,
SWIFTLY AND WITH STYLE.
FORTUNATELY,
I AM IN GOOD HEALTH.
MONSIEUR AND MADAM LECLERC.
I DO NOT SHAKE HANDS
WITH GERMANS.
I SPIT ON THEM.
( spits )
EXCUSE ME, GENERAL.
SHE IS A LITTLE BIT--
NOW SETTLE DOWN,
YOU OLD BAT.
HERE, MADAM FANNY,
HAVE A DRINK,
IT WILL MAKE YOU
FEEL BETTER.
ARE YOU MAD?
SHE MUST KEEP OFF
THE BOOZE.
AND REMEMBER, YOU HAVE
A PART TO PLAY,
TO GET YOUR OLD DAUGHTER
OUT OF THIS ENGAGEMENT.
I AM AN OLD TROOPER.
I WILL NOT FAIL.
QUICK, ERNEST, GIVE ME
YOUR HIP FLASK.
BE CAREFUL, FANNY.
IT IS VERY STRONG.
DO NOT SPILL IT
ON THE FLOOR,
OR IT WILL
TAKE OFF THE POLISH.
OOH.
HA HA HA.
AH, THAT HIT
THE SPOT.
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI
AND HIS FIANCEE,
THE SPIRIT OF NOUVION.
MY WORD,
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I'VE SEEN MUTTON
ACTUALLY DRESSED
AS MUTTON.
WERE THERE
ANY PROBLEMS?
APPARENTLY SHE ACCEPTED
WITHOUT HESITATION.
I'M NOT A BIT
SURPRISED.
THIS IS MY BRIDE TO BE.
MAY I SAY,
MADAM EDITH,
YOU HAVE NEVER LOOKED
MORE BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU,
LIEUTENANT.
HERE, I PAY
THE COMPLIMENTS,
NOT YOU.
LOOK AT HER.
WHAT A BEAUTY.
I AM BLINDED BY LOVE.
THAT'S QUITE OBVIOUS.
OVER HERE.
I MUST CONGRATULATE YOU
ON HELPING
WITH OUR WAR EFFORT.
MY CHEST,
IT SWELL WITH PRIDE.
DO I GET A MEDALLION?
NO, BUT YOU CERTAINLY
DESERVE ONE.
OH, MADAM EDITH.
IF YOU MARRY
THIS MAN,
YOU WILL BREAK
MY TICKER,
WHICH IS
ALREADY DICKY.
DON'T WORRY,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
I AM ONLY GOING
THROUGH THE MOTIONS.
I SHUDDER TO THINK
OF YOU GOING
THROUGH THE MOTIONS
WITH THIS FEATHERED WOP.
I GNASH
SOME OF MY TEETH.
PLEASE,
CONTROL YOURSELF.
I CANNOT.
AS A MATTER
OF PRINCIPLE,
I MUST CHALLENGE
MY RIVAL TO A DUEL.
IT IS EXPECTED.
A WORD WITH YOU,
MONSIEUR.
WHAT'S UP?
YOU HAVE TAKEN THE HAND
OF THE WOMAN I LOVE.
I DEMAND SATISFACTION.
IT IS A LOCAL CUSTOM.
IN ITALY THE HUSBAND
GETS THE SATISFACTION.
THE LOCALS DON'T
GET A LOOK IN.
I DEMAND
THE SATISFACTION
OF A DUEL
TO THE DEATH.
NAME YOUR TIME
AND PLACE.
AAH.
AAH.
WHAT'S THAT FOR?
IT IS ALSO PART
OF THE LOCAL CUSTOM.
OKEY-DOKEY, DAWN TOMORROW,
IN THE WOODS.
WELL, I HAVE DONE
WHAT IS EXPECTED OF ME.
I MUST INFORM YOU
THAT I AM
THE BEST SHOT
IN THE ITALIAN ARMY.
IN THAT CASE,
I MUST INFORM YOU
THAT I HAVE A PRIOR
ENGAGEMENT,
OTHERWISE, I WOULD GO
AND EMBALM MYSELF
IMMEDIATELY.
- CHEERS.
- CHEERS.
( owl hoots )
Flick:
THAT IS THE WINDOW
OF THE GENERAL'S QUARTERS.
IT IS VERY HIGH.
DO NOT BE A WIMP,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
WE CROSS THE MOAT,
FIRE THE GRAPPLING IRON,
CLIMB THE ALMOST
INSURMOUNTABLE WALL.
AFTER CREATING
A DIVERSION,
WE STEAL THE PAINTING,
AND RETURN
TO OUR QUARTERS.
I MUST POINT OUT,
HERR FLICK,
I HAVE NOT YET
FULLY MASTERED
THE TECHNIQUE
OF SWIMMING.
WHAT IF I GET
INTO DIFFICULTIES?
YOU WILL CONTINUE
WALKING UNDERWATER
FOR AS LONG
AS YOU CAN.
ARE YOU READY TO GO
DOWN INTO THE CELLAR,
MY BRAVE LITTLE MIMI?
FOR YOU, RENE,
I'M ALWAYS READY.
YVETTE WILL
LOWER YOU DOWN.
WHY CANNOT I GO?
BECAUSE I AM
BRAVER THAN YOU,
AND YOU ARE
FATTER THAN ME.
OH, HOW DARE YOU?
SHORTY.
FATTY.
- SHORTY.
- FATTY.
- SHORTY SHORTY--
- FATTY FATTY--
STOP THAT, STOP IT YOU TWO.
YOU ARE BOTH BRAVE.
NOW COME ALONG, MIMI.
CLIMB IN.
GOOD LUCK, MIMI.
I MUST GET BACK
TO THE FESTIVITIES.
AND IF I AM ASKED
ABOUT THIS,
OF COURSE I KNOW
NOTHING ABOUT IT.
TRUST US.
GOOD, YES.
BE CAREFUL HOW
YOU LOWER ME DOWN.
IT IS A LONG DROP.
DO NOT TELL ME
WHAT TO DO.
AREN'T YOU ONE
OF THE WAITRESSES
FROM THE CAFE?
WHAT IF I AM?
YOU GAVE ME A LITTLE
KISS THE OTHER NIGHT,
AND PROMISED ANOTHER
THE NEXT TIME WE MET.
I DON'T REMEMBER.
OH!
AH!
OH, OH, OH,
OH, OH, AH!
I SEE IT'S ALL
COMING BACK TO YOU.
OH, OH--
QUICK, MIMI.
IT IS I, MICHELLE.
OPEN THE DOOR.
THE KEY IS
BIG AND OLD,
BUT I AM STRONG.
THERE.
WELL DONE.
AH, THERE ARE
THE BARRELS.
FAIRFAX? CARSTAIRS?
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
- HELLO.
- HELLO.
WE'VE COME--
WE'VE COME
TO GET YOU OUT.
ABOUT TIME.
THE RATS HAVE BEEN
GNAWING AT MY BUM.
WELL, POP BACK IN, CHAPS.
WE'RE GOING TO DROP YOU
IN THE RIVER
AND START YOUR JOURNEY.
JOLLY GOOD.
CHEERIO.
MICHELLE, I HOPE
THIS PLAN WORKS.
MY SUBSCRIPTION
TO WENTWORTH
RUNS OUT NEXT WEEK.
OH, WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.
CHEERIO.
Michelle:
OPEN THE TRAP DOOR.
- ( loud splash )
- AAH!
OOH, OOH, OH,
OH, WAAAAH!
( loud splash )
QUICK, MIMI. GET BACK
BEFORE YOU ARE MISSED.
IS SHE NOT BACK YET?
OH, SHE IS VERY HEAVY.
OH, I WILL DO IT.
- GO AND SERVE THE DRINKS.
- ALL RIGHT.
RENE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING OUT HERE?
YOU ARE MISSING
ALL THE FUN.
JUST RUNNING
OUT OF WINE, LIEUTENANT.
I SENT MIMI DOWN
TO GET SOME MORE.
THAT LOOKS LIKE
HEAVY WORK.
LET ME
GIVE YOU A HAND.
IT IS-- IT IS
ALL RIGHT, LIEUTENANT.
I CAN MANAGE.
NONSENSE.
LOOK, I AM TERRIBLY SORRY
ABOUT MADAM EDITH.
I WISH I COULD
HAVE PREVENTED
THIS DREADFUL
ENGAGEMENT.
WELL, THANK YOU
FOR TRYING.
DON'T WORRY.
IF YOUR NIGHTS
BECOME LONELY,
WE CAN ALWAYS
CHAT BY THE BAR.
THAT WOULD BE
A GREAT COMFORT.
OH, AH.
HERE IS MIMI NOW.
GRUBER, RENE,
COME AT ONCE.
THE GENERAL'S ABOUT
TO MAKE A SPEECH.
AH.
WELL DONE, MIMI.
I HAVE OVERCOME
GREAT DANGER.
HOLD ME AND KISS ME.
YOU WILL JUST
HAVE TO SETTLE
FOR A "WELL DONE, MIMI."
SILENCE!
I HAVE INVITED
ALL YOU LOCAL PEASANTS
HERE TONIGHT
TO HEAR
AN IMPORTANT
ANNOUNCEMENT.
TO CEMENT THE FRIENDSHIP
BETWEEN THE OCCUPYING FORCES
AND THE PEASANTS,
I HAVE DECIDED
TO GIVE MY PERMISSION
FOR A MARRIAGE
TO TAKE PLACE
BETWEEN CAPTAIN BERTORELLI
AND THE SPIRIT OF NOUVION,
FROM THE CAFE RENE.
HAVE YOU GOT THE RING?
WHAT A WHOPPER!
IT WILL BE
YOURS TONIGHT.
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI IS,
OF COURSE, AN ITALIAN,
AND NOT A TRUE ARYAN,
BUT IT'S THE SPIRIT
OF THE OCCASION THAT COUNTS.
WHERE IS THE PHOTOGRAPHER?
I AM HERE, GENERAL.
MY EQUIPMENT IS
AT THE READY.
WE WILL HAVE
THE OFFICIAL
ENGAGEMENT PHOTOGRAPH
OVER HERE.
I WISH TO TAKE
THIS OPPORTUNITY
TO DISPLAY A FABULOUS
ART TREASURE
WHICH HAS BEEN ACQUIRED
FOR THE GLORY
OF THE THIRD REICH.
AS YOU WILL SEE,
IT IS THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES
BY VAN CLOMP,
WHICH WILL SOON
BE ON ITS WAY
TO THE FUHRER.
LET THIS BE A LESSON
TO YOU ALL,
WE GERMANS ALWAYS
SUCCEED IN THE END!
( applause )
THE HAPPY COUPLE
MAY JOIN ME.
COME ALONG, YOU OLD BAT.
THIS IS THE MOMENT.
WHAT?
IT IS MY PLEASURE
TO ANNOUNCE
THIS ENGAGEMENT
OFFICIALLY,
AND I TRUST YOU
WILL ALL JOIN ME
IN WISHING CAPTAIN BERTORELLI
AND HIS BRIDE TO BE
EVERY HAPPINESS.
I DO NOT.
WHO SAID THAT?
MY DAUGHTER EDITH
WILL NEVER MARRY
THAT UGLY FEATHERED WOP
AS LONG AS
I HAVE A BREATH
LEFT IN M-Y-Y
( screaming )
BODY-Y-Y-Y-Y!
WHO IS THE NUTCASE?
SHE IS KIPTIN
BERTOROLLI'S
FUTURE MOTHER INLOO.
MY MOTHER INLOO?
I WILL CUT YOU OFF
WITHOUT A SOU,
YOU TRAITRESS.
YOU WILL NEVER
HAVE MY CAFE NOW.
HER CAFE?
BUT I THOUGHT IT
WAS YOUR CAFE?
IT IS MAMMA'S.
SHE SHALL NEVER
DISGRACE MY FAMILY
BY MARRYING THAT DAGO.
DAGO?
I'M FROM NAPOLI.
THAT'S EVEN WORSE.
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
THE WEDDING IT'S OFF.
YOU COULD LOSE YOUR RANK
AND MEDALS FOR THIS.
YOU CAN KEEP
THE MEDALS.
MUSSOLINI, HE MADE ME
THE CAPTAIN, NOT YOU.
General:
TO HELL WITH MUSSOLINI!
THAT IS THE LAST TIME
I TRUST AN ITAI
WITH A SILLY WALK.
I SEE THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.
IT IS TIME
TO ACTIVATE
OUR SPECIAL GESTAPO
FIRE ALARM
AS A DIVERSION.
I AM READY,
HERR FLICK.
VERY WELL, ACTIVATE
YOUR HELMET.
( fire alarm clanging )
FIRE ALARM, GENERAL!
QUICK, EVACUATE
THE ROOM. QUICK!
DEACTIVATE
THE FIRE ALARM,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
- WHAT?
- SWITCH IT OFF.
NOW, JUMP.
HOW DO WE KNOW
THE MOAT IS DEEP ENOUGH
TO BREAK OUR FALL,
HERR FLICK?
YOU WILL TEST IT.
AAH!
( thud )
OBVIOUSLY NOT.
THAT WAS NOT EVEN
OUR FIRE ALARM.
THERE MUST BE
ANOTHER ONE
SOMEWHERE.
THE PICTURE IS GONE.
I'M NOT BLIND. GUARDS,
SEARCH FOR INTRUDERS.
IT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN
ONE OF THE POSANTS,
AS WE WERE ALL
OUTSOD IN THE PISSAGE.
Rene:
WHAT AN EVENING.
Edith:
BUT A SUCCESSFUL ONE.
I GOT OUT OF MARRYING
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.
( laughter )
Mimi:
AND MICHELLE GOT
THE BRITISH AIRMEN AWAY.
THANK GOODNESS
WE WILL NEVER
HAVE TO SEE THOSE TWO
BRITISH IDIOTS AGAIN.
( laughing )
Fairfax:
HELLO?
TELL ME
THIS IS A DREAM.
Fairfax:
I SAY,
WE SEEM TO HAVE TAKEN
THE WRONG PASSAGE
IN THE UNDERGROUND
STREAM.
Carstairs:
THE GRATING'S JAMMED.
WHAT DID THEY SAY?
THEY HAVE TAKEN
THE WRONG PISSAGE.
I'M AFRAID THERE HAS BEEN
AN ALMIGHTY KICK-UP.
YOU TOOK THE WEEDS
RIGHT OUT OF MY MOOTH.
( theme music playing )