'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s07e09 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
YOU MAY WONDER WHY
I AM STUFFING A STRING
OF FRESHLY COOKED SAUSAGES
DOWN MY TROUSERS.
THERE IS, OF COURSE,
A SIMPLE EXPLANATION
FOR ALL THIS.
THE IDIOT BRITISH AIRMEN
WERE HIDDEN IN BARRELS
IN THE WINE CELLAR
AT THE CHATEAU
AND THE PLAN WAS
TO FLOAT THEM OUT TO SEA
IN THE UNDERGROUND STREAM,
WHICH RUNS
BENEATH THE CELLAR.
NEEDLESS TO SAY,
THE STUPID AIRMEN
FLOATED DOWN
THE WRONG PASSAGE
AND THEY ARE NOW
STUCK IN THE DRAIN
IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE TOWN SQUARE.
WE CANNOT--
WE CANNOT OPEN
THE RUSTY GRATING
TO GET THEM OUT,
SO MICHELLE HAS INSTRUCTED ME
TO FEED THE AIRMEN
BY STANDING OVER THE DRAIN
AND LOWERING THE SAUSAGES
DOWN MY TROUSER LEG.
AS USUAL, MY WIFE EDITH
HAS OVER-CATERED.
( growling )
OH, RENE,
WE ARE ALONE AT LAST.
HOLD ME IN YOUR ARMS.
Both:
OH!
BE CAREFUL, YVETTE,
SOME OF THESE SAUSAGES
ARE STILL VERY HOT.
I CAN FEEL THE HEAT
THROUGH MY DRESS.
( both giggle )
HERE I HAVE THE MUSTARD
FOR THE BRITISH AIRMEN.
I WILL TIE THE STRING
TO YOUR BELT
AND SLIP THE POT
DOWN YOUR OTHER LEG.
OH. OH. OH.
RENE!
WHAT IS THAT SERVING GIRL
DOING TO YOU?
YOU STUPID WOMAN.
CAN YOU NOT SEE,
THIS POOR CHILD IS EXAMINING--
TRYING TO--
YOU TELL HER.
I AM MAKING SURE
RENE HAS THE MUSTARD
IN HIS TROUSERS.
WHAT?!
IT IS FOR THE AIRMEN.
I WILL DO THAT.
HERE, YOU GET
IN THE KITCHEN
AND PEEL THE POTATOES.
BUT I HAVE ALREADY
PEELED THEM.
WELL, PEEL THEM AGAIN!
HERE, RENE,
LET ME HELP YOU.
I CAN MANAGE, EDITH,
THANK YOU.
YOU HAVE COOKED
TOO MANY SAUSAGES.
THERE IS BARELY ROOM
FOR THEM IN MY TROUSERS.
AH, MICHELLE,
HAVE YOU FOUND A WAY
OF GETTING RID OF
THE AIRMEN YET?
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
IS EXAMINING THE GRATING
TO SEE IF IT
CAN BE FORCED UP.
THE AIRMEN ARE TRAPPED
ON A LEDGE
NEXT TO THE OVERFLOW PIPE
FROM THIS CAFE.
SO UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES
SHOULD ANYONE
- FLUSH THE TOILET.
- ( toilet flushes )
I MUST REMEMBER TO TELL
MAMMA AND MONSIEUR LECLERC.
LET US HOPE THE AIRMEN
HAVE NOT BEEN WASHED AWAY.
ON THE CONTRARY,
LET US HOPE THEY HAVE!
ARE THE BANGERS
IN YOUR PANTS?
ALL PRESENT
AND PIPING HOT.
MICHELLE,
WHAT ABOUT DRINK?
THE GARLIC
IN THE SAUSAGE
WILL MAKE
THE AIRMEN THIRSTY.
MY RESISTANCE GIRLS
ARE ADAPTING
MADAME FANNY'S
WHEELCHAIR.
THEY ARE PUTTING A TANK
OF SOUP UNDERNEATH IT
WITH A TAP.
WHEN MONSIEUR LECLERC
TAKES MADAME FANNY
FOR HER MORNING STROLL
IN THE WHEELCHAIR,
HE WILL STOP OVER THE DRAIN,
OPEN THE TAP,
AND LET THE AIRMEN
DRINK THE SOUP.
OH, MADAME EDITH,
SOMETHING TERRIBLE
HAS HAPPENED.
MADAME FANNY HAS GONE.
GONE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
SHE AND MONSIEUR LECLERC
HAD A ROW LAST NIGHT.
HE FOUND THIS NOTE
ON THE PILLOW WHEN
HE WOKE UP.
HE IS DISTRAUGHT.
OH--
MAMMA HAS GONE TO STAY
WITH HER COUSIN IN AVIGNON,
THE ONE WHO RUNS
THE KENNELS.
WELL, SHE SHOULD
FEEL AT HOME THERE.
DID MONSIEUR LECLERC
SAY WHAT THE ROW
WAS ABOUT?
APPARENTLY,
SHE WAS COMPLAINING
ABOUT HIS DEMANDS
FOR CONJUGAL RIGHTS.
WAS HE MAKING MANY?
NO, THAT IS WHAT
SHE WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT.
THIS IS BAD NEWS.
IF MADAME FANNY HAS GONE,
THAT PUTS PAID TO MY PLAN
FOR GIVING THE AIRMEN
THE SOUP.
SOMEONE WILL HAVE
TO TAKE HER PLACE.
I WILL DO IT.
I CAN TURN MYSELF
INTO THE OLD WOMAN.
( witchlike voice )
AH, EDITH.
NO, MIMI,
YOU ARE MUCH TOO SMALL.
MADAME EDITH,
YOU WILL HAVE TO DO IT.
HOW COULD I MAKE MYSELF
LOOK OLD AND WRINKLED?
WEAR ONE
OF YOUR HATS
AND TRY A LITTLE
LESS MAKE-UP.
OH, YOU MUST, MADAME EDITH.
THE LIVES OF THE AIRMEN
MAY DEPEND ON IT,
AND YOU ARE AN ARTISTE.
VERY WELL,
I WILL DO IT.
I WILL WEAR ONE
OF MAMMA'S DRESSES
AND PUT ON HER OLD SUN HAT.
I WILL SUCK IN MY CHEEKS
TO MAKE MYSELF LOOK TOOTHLESS,
AND HUNCH MY SHOULDERS
TO MAKE ME LOOK
OLD AND ARTHRITIC.
I NEVER REALIZED
SHE WAS THAT OLD.
( imitating Mamma )
THE GERMANS,
I SPIT ON THEM.
( spitting )
NOW STOP WASTING TIME,
AND GO UPSTAIRS
TO GET READY,
YOU SILLY OLD BAT.
RENE, HOW DARE YOU
SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!
I AM SORRY, EDITH,
BUT YOU WERE SO REALISTIC
I AM ALREADY THINKING OF YOU
AS MY MOTHER-IN-LAW.
GOOD MOANING.
OH, GOOD MORNING,
MONSIEUR.
WHAT ARE YOU DEEING
CROTCHING ON ALL FEARS
IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE SQUEER?
I AM CHECKING
THESE RUSTY HINGES
TO SEE IF WE CAN GET
THE BRITISH AIRMEN OUT.
OF COURSE, THE EARMEN.
WE MUST ROSCUE THEM
AS SOON AS PISSABLE.
HMM?
THERE IS LITTLE HOPE
OF THAT, I AM AFRAID.
THE HINGES
ARE RUSTED SOLID.
THAT IS BAD NOSE INDOOD.
I MUST INFORM MICHELLE.
SHE HAS SECRETED HERSELF
IN THE CAFE.
I SAY, CHAPS,
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
- HELLO!
- HELLO!
Crabtree:
KEEP YOUR CHINS UP, CHAPS.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
WELL, UH
IT PONGS A BIT DOWN HERE.
IS SOMEONE
DOING SOMETHING?
Crabtree:
DON'T WORRY,
THE UNDERTAKER'S
TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING.
I SAY, I DON'T LIKE
THE SOUND OF THAT.
MUST DASH, CHAPS.
JERRY ON HORIZON.
GOOD MOANING.
NICE DOO.
I DON'T LIKE I
MUCH DOWN HERE.
I KNOW, OLD BOY.
STILL, IT DOES HAVE
ITS COMPENSATIONS.
AH, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
HAVE YOU MADE ANY PROGRESS?
THE DRAIN COVER
WILL NOT MOVE.
IT HAS NOT BEEN OPENED
FOR YEARS.
BUT THAT IS DREADFUL.
WHAT ARE WE TO DO?
I COULD PERHAPS LOOSEN
THE HINGES WITH A HAMMER,
BUT I CANNOT GO OUT
INTO THE SQUARE
AND START BANGING
IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.
YES, THAT MIGHT
AROUSE SUSPICION.
COULD YOU NOT
PARK YOUR HEARSE
OVER THE DRAIN
AND WORK UNDERNEATH IT?
DO NOT BE RIDICULOUS,
MICHELLE.
THE GERMANS WOULD STILL
HEAR HIM BANGING.
AN IDEA HAS JUST
ENTERED MY BRAIN.
WE COULD PERHAPS USE
YOUR OLD ICE CREAM WAGON?
THE ONE I KEEP
IN MY GARAGE?
THE NOISE OF THE ICE
MAKING MACHINERY
WOULD DISGUISE
OUR ACTIVITIES UNDERNEATH.
OH, THAT IS
A GOOD IDEA!
THE GERMANS
WOULD NOT SUSPECT
AN ICE CREAM VAN.
BUT IT HAS BEEN
LAID UP SINCE IT
BROKE DOWN IN 1934.
THE ENGINE MIGHT NEED
A LITTLE TINKERING
BUT THE FREEZER
STILL WORKS.
I OCCASIONALLY USE IT
FOR STORING BODIES.
YOUR WAITRESSES
COULD SERVE THE ICE CREAM,
AND YOU, RENE,
YOU CAN DRIVE THE VAN.
OH NO, NO, NO.
I AM PLAYING NO PART
IN THIS CRACKPOT IDEA.
LISTEN,
IF THOSE AIRMEN
ARE FOUND IN THE DRAIN,
THEY MAY CRACK
UNDER INTERROGATION
AND REVEAL WHO HAS BEEN
SHELTERING THEM.
AND THE FINGER
WILL POINT AT YOU,
MONSIEUR.
WELL, AS USUAL,
I DO NOT SEEM TO HAVE
MUCH CHOICE.
WELL, I WILL GO
FOR A TINKER.
AND I WILL GO
AND FEED THE AIRMEN.
YOU ARE WALKING
VERY STRANGELY, MONSIEUR.
IF YOU HAD
DOWN YOUR TROUSERS
WHAT I HAVE DOWN MINE,
YOU WOULD WALK STRANGELY.
BIG HEAD!
I SAY, CARSTAIRS,
THAT CAFE CHAPPIE'S
UP THERE
DROPPING SOMETHING
DOWN HIS TROUSERS!
IT'S SAUSAGES, FAIRFAX.
THANK GOD FOR THAT.
GOOD MORNING, RENE.
I'M SORRY
I MADE YOU JUMP.
GOOD MORNING,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
I WAS JUST
TAKING THE AIR.
MY STOMACH IS A LITTLE
FRAGILE THIS MORNING.
OH, DEAR LIEUTENANT,
I HOPE IT'S NOTHING SERIOUS.
I THINK IT WAS THE COTTAGE PIE
I HAD IN THE CAFE LAST NIGHT.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, RENE?
YOU APPEAR TO HAVE
A TWITCH IN YOUR LEG.
OH, IT IS NOTHING.
JUST A SLIGHT MUSCLE STRAIN
FROM CARRYING HEAVY CRATES
UP FROM THE CELLAR.
PERHAPS SOMEONE
SHOULD LOOK AT IT?
NO, THAT IS
NOT NECESSARY,
BUT THANK YOU
FOR YOUR CONCERN.
RENE--
RENE, IS IT MY IMAGINATION
OR IS THERE A SAUSAGE
POPPING OUT OF THE END
OF YOUR TROUSERS?
NO, NO YOU ARE
SEEING CORRECTLY.
THESE SAUSAGES WERE
PAST THEIR EAT-BY DATE
SO I WAS DISPOSING THEM
TO SAFEGUARD OUR CUSTOMERS.
THAT IS MOST COMMENDABLE.
AND HOW TYPICAL OF YOU.
OH.
BUT WOULD IT NOT
BE SIMPLER JUST TO
POP THEM IN THE DUSTBIN?
WE DO NOT WANT ANYBODY
TO SUFFER FROM FOOD POISONING.
WE PUT THE WORST FOOD
FROM THE CAFE
STRAIGHT DOWN HERE.
IN THAT CASE, RENE,
MAY I MAKE A SUGGESTION?
OF COURSE, LIEUTENANT.
PERHAPS NEXT TIME
YOU COULD DO THE SAME
WITH MADAME EDITH'S
COTTAGE PIE?
SO, VON SMALLHAUSEN,
ARE YOU READY
TO COMMENCE
THE FORGING OF A COPY
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES
BY VAN CLOMP,
WHICH WE SO AUDACIOUSLY
STOLE FROM THE CHATEAU
BEHIND GENERAL VON
KLINKERHOFFEN'S BACK
UNDER HIS VERY NOSE?
YES, HERR FLICK.
I WILL DO MY BEST.
I HAVE CAREFULLY
TRACED AROUND THE PAINTING
TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR YOU.
THE CODE FOR THE COLORS
IS HERE.
IT IS A GREAT HELP,
HERR FLICK.
NUMBER ONE IS FOR RED,
TWO FOR BLUE,
THREE FOR GREEN
AND FOUR FOR A PINKY
FLESH COLOR.
THAT IS A LARGE POT,
HERR FLICK.
IT IS FOR HER BOOBIES,
WHICH OCCUPY
MUCH OF THE PAINTING.
AND WHAT SHALL WE DO
ABOUT THIS FORGERY?
I WILL PLANT IT IN THE OFFICE
OF COLONEL VON STROHM.
AN ANONYMOUS TELEPHONE CALL
WILL INFORM GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN WHERE IT IS,
THE COLONEL WILL BE ACCUSED
OF STEALING IT
AND BE SENT
TO THE RUSSIAN FRONT
WHERE HE WILL NO LONGER
BE A PAIN IN THE BUM.
IT IS A VERY RISKY PLAN,
HERR FLICK.
DO NOT WORRY,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG,
YOU WILL CARRY THE CAN.
I SHALL BE PROUD TO BE A COG
IN THE WHEEL, HERR FLICK.
A VERY SMALL COG.
I AM A BIG COG.
NOW GET ON
WITH THE FORGING.
I AM GOING
TO TAKE HELGA
THESE FLOWERS.
IF YOU DO
A REALLY GOOD JOB,
I MAY LET HELGA
GIVE YOU A KISS.
THE THOUGHT HAS MADE
MY HAND SHAKE, HERR FLICK.
TAKE A TRANQUILIZER,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
I DO NOT WANT
A NIPPLE ON HER NOSE.
THE PAPER CLIPS
AND STATIONERY
ARE IN THE TOP DRAWER.
IF YOU CAN'T FIND ANYTHING,
PRIVATE BIGSTERN,
JUST ASK LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
HE'S VERY HELPFUL.
HE SEEMED A NICE FELLOW
WHEN YOU INTRODUCED ME
TO HIM AND THE COLONEL.
HANDSOME, TOO--
QUITE TICKLED MY FANCY.
HE'S NEVER TICKLED MINE.
- GOOD MORNING, HELGA.
- GOOD MORNING, GENERAL.
IS THIS A NEW
MEMBER OF STAFF?
I AM OFF
ON MY TRAINING COURSE,
PRIVATE BIGSTERN
IS TAKING MY PLACE.
NO ONE CAN POSSIBLY
TAKE YOUR PLACE, HELGA.
ALTHOUGH ON
SECOND THOUGHTS,
I COULD BE WRONG.
I WILL BE TAKING OVER
ALL OF PRIVATE
GEERHART'S DUTIES, GENERAL.
IN THAT CASE,
I MIGHT HAVE
SOME OVERTIME
FOR YOU ONE
EVENING THIS WEEK.
IT WILL BE A PLEASURE,
GENERAL.
THAT IS WHAT
I HOPE.
I WILL MISS HELGA,
YOU KNOW.
BUT THAT NEW GIRL,
SHE HAS A LOT GOING FOR HER.
ALREADY SHE'S
GIVEN ME THE WINK.
DON'T START GETTING IDEAS,
BERTORELLI.
SHE GAVE ME THE WINK ALSO.
SHE WINKED AT ME, TOO.
I CAN'T THINK WHY.
GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
WE SHALL HAVE
TO GET CHEESE
FOR OUR EARS, GRUBER.
THIS NEW GIRL
IS WORSE THAN HELGA.
HEIL HITLER!
NOW, COLONEL,
I WISH TO KNOW WHAT PROGRESS
YOU HAVE MADE IN THE SEARCH
FOR THE MISCREANTS
WHO STOLE THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES
BY VAN CLOMP,
FROM MY HEADQUARTERS
IN THE CHATEAU?
GRUBER,
TELL THE GENERAL
WHAT PROGRESS
WE'RE MAKING.
UH WELL
OF COURSE, AFTER YOU
ANNOUNCED THE CURFEW,
WE CARRIED OUT
A HOUSE-TO-HOUSE SEARCH,
AND ROUNDED UP
ALL THE USUAL SUSPECTS.
WE ARE ALSO STOPPING
AND SEARCHING
EVERYONE LEAVING THE VILLAGE.
IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'VE
MADE NO PROGRESS AT ALL.
NO, GENERAL.
BUT WE'RE TRYING
VERY HARD.
MY MEN, THEY ARE WORKING
ROUND THE CLOCK,
SOMETIMES TWO OR THREE
HOURS A DAY.
IF I DO NOT SEE
SOME RESULTS SOON,
THE CHANCES OF YOU
ALL BEING SENT
TO THE RUSSIAN FRONT
WILL IMPROVE CONSIDERABLY.
WHOOPS.
PARTICULARLY YOURS.
IS THAT CLEAR?
YES, GENERAL!
HEIL HITLER.
HEIL HITLER.
HEIL MUSSOLINI.
DON'T BE SILLY.
THE GENERALI--
I DON'T THINK HE LIKES ME.
NOBODY LIKES YOU.
IF YOUR MEN WERE
MORE EFFICIENT,
WE MIGHT HAVE FOUND
THE PAINTING BY NOW.
AFTER ALL,
THEY ARE CRIMINALS.
THEY OUGHT TO KNOW
WHERE TO LOOK.
WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME
WHO GETS THE BLAME
FOR ALL THE COCK-UPS?
WE HAVE TO BLAME SOMEONE.
AND YOU'RE THE ONLY
ITAI WE KNOW.
WHO ARE YOU?
I AM LOOKING
FOR HELGA.
SHE HAS GONE ON A COURSE.
I'M HER REPLACEMENT.
I AM HERR FLICK,
HEAD OF THE NOUVION
GESTAPO,
GODSON OF
HEINRICH HIMMLER,
SCOURGE
OF THE RESISTANCE,
AND A BIT OF A ONE
FOR THE GIRLS.
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF ME?
NO.
I HAD COME HERE
TO ASK HELGA OUT
THIS AFTERNOON,
BUT YOU LOOK
A FINE SPECIMEN.
YOU WILL DO
JUST AS WELL.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
WELL, I AM A NEW GIRL HERE.
I THINK I'D BETTER
ASK PERMISSION FIRST.
PERMISSION TO SPEAK,
COLONEL?
WHAT IS IT, PRIVATE BIGSTERN?
THERE IS SOMEONE OUTSIDE
CALLING HIMSELF HERR FLICK.
HE HAS ASKED ME OUT.
IS IT WISE FOR ME TO ACCEPT?
HERR FLICK?!
OH, NO, ELSA,
HE'S A PARTICULARLY
NASTY CHARACTER.
HE'S A HORRIBLE,
LITTLE WORM.
YOU COME OUT
WITH ME INSTEAD.
WHAT A MISTAKE
TO MAKE.
WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS COULD BE
OUR OPPORTUNITY
TO PUT A SPY
IN FLICK'S CAMP,
NOW THAT HELGA'S
NO LONGER INTIMATE
WITH HIM.
THAT IS AN IDEA,
COLONEL.
HE ALSO MAY
KNOW SOMETHING
ABOUT THE THEFT
OF THE PAINTING.
PRIVATE BIGSTERN,
YOU WILL ACCEPT
HERR FLICK'S INVITATION,
BECOME CLOSE TO HIM,
AND REPORT EVERYTHING
HE SAYS AND DOES TO US.
PARTICULARLY IF HE HAS
A PAINTING IN HIS QUARTERS.
OF A GIRL
WITH BIG BOOBIES.
THEY MIGHT NOT SEEM BIG TO YOU,
BUT THEY ARE TO US.
I WILL DO MY BEST.
HEIL HITLER!
SHE'S NEW KEEN,
PITY SHE'S A GIRL.
VERY WELL, HERR FLICK.
I ACCEPT YOUR INVITATION.
GOOD.
REPORT TO MY SECRET
HEADQUARTERS THIS AFTERNOON.
WHAT IS THE ADDRESS?
HERE IS MY CARD.
IT IS BLANK.
BREATHE ON IT FOR 30 SECONDS
AND THE WORDS WILL APPEAR.
YOU ARE A LUCKY MAN,
HERR FLICK.
I'M VERY POPULAR
IN THE MESS,
AND DO NOT
USUALLY GO OUT
WITH BALDING LITTLE
MEN IN GLASSES.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
YOU MAY KISS ME NOW.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER,
HERR FLICK.
MUCH LATER.
I MUST DO SOME
PRESS-UPS FIRST.
HALLO, CHAPS.
- HALLO.
- HALLO.
I'VE JUST BEEN TALKING
TO THE CAFE CHAPPIE.
HE'S WHEELING OUT HIS OLD
MOTHER-IN-LAW IN A MINUTE,
WITH SOME HOMEMADE SOUP.
SHE'LL POUR IT
DOWN THE GRATE FOR YOU.
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO DRINK IT?
YOU'LL JUST HAVE
TO IMPROVISE.
WE CAN'T GET THE MUGS
THROUGH THE BARS.
WHY DON'T WE USE
OUR BOOTS, CARSTAIRS?
GOOD IDEA.
DAMN,
BOTH OF MINE HAVE
GOT HOLES IN THEM.
OH, YOU CAN HAVE ONE
OF MINE IF YOU LIKE.
I THINK I'D RATHER
USE MY CAP, OLD BOY.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE
TO DO, MONSIEUR LECLERC?
YES, YES.
I AM TO WHEEL THE CHAIR
OVER THE DRAIN,
AND TURN ON THE TAP.
I AM NOT STUPID.
WE KNOW YOU ARE NOT,
MONSIEUR LECLERC.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
CAN BE DECEPTIVE.
OOOH, RENE,
I CAN FEEL THE SOUP BOILING
IN THE TANK UNDERNEATH ME.
I THINK THE PRIMUS
IS TOO HIGH.
RELEASE SOME OF THE PRESSURE
WITH THE STEAM VALVE.
( steam spurting )
THERE'S A LOT OF GARLIC
IN THAT SOUP.
GOOD MOANING.
GOOD MOANING.
I HAVE TOLD THE EARMEN
TO EXPECT THE SOAP.
I THOUGHT WE WERE
GIVING THEM SOUP?
HE MEANS SOUP.
I WISH YOU WOULD LEARN
TO SPEAK PROPER FRENCH.
YOUR MITHER-IN-LOO IS
NOT LOOKING VERY WELL.
SHE IS MORE WRONKLED
AND HIGGARD THAN USUAL.
IT IS ME,
OFFICER CRABTREE.
MY MOTHER IS NOT HERE,
SO I AM TAKING HER PLACE.
IT IS A GOOD DISGEESE.
OFF YOU GO,
AND GET IT RIGHT.
IT IS A SIMPLE
ENOUGH TASK,
ANY FOOL COULD DO IT.
BUT YOU WERE
TOP OF THE LIST.
THE OLD LADY
IN THE WHEELCHAIR
IS COMING THIS WAY.
JOLLY GOOD.
GET READY FOR SOUP.
THIS IS THE DRAIN,
MADAME EDITH.
TURN ON THE TAP THEN,
MONSIEUR LECLERC.
OH MY GOD, WHAT IS
THAT IDIOT DOING?
HE IS PUTTING THE SOAP
DOWN THE WRING DROON!
CAN THEY GET
NOTHING RIGHT?
Fairfax:
THE SOUP'S COMING DOWN
THE WRONG DRAIN.
QUICK, FAIRFAX,
BEFORE IT RUNS OUT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
YOU IDIOTS?
GO BACK TO THE CAFE,
I WILL TAKE OVER.
Edith:
WHAT IS WRONG,
RENE?
YOU WERE OVER THE WRONG DRAIN,
YOU SILLY OLD BAT.
RENE,
HOW DARE YOU SPEAK
TO ME LIKE THAT!
I'M SORRY, EDITH, BUT YOU'RE
MORE LIKE YOUR MOTHER,
THAN YOUR MOTHER.
DAMN BLIGHTERS
HAVE GONE.
THAT'S JOLLY UNFAIR.
I WAS DYING FOR A DRINK.
LOOK!
IT'S COMING DOWN
THE OTHER ONE NOW.
BLASTED FROGGIES,
CAN'T GET ANYTHING RIGHT.
I AM SORRY TOO, RENE,
I DID NOT NOTICE IT
WAS THE WRONG DRAIN.
NOW IT IS THE RIGHT ONE.
I SAY, CARSTAIRS,
I DIDN'T GET ANY.
- ( knocking )
- WHO IS IT?
PRIVATE
ELSA BIGSTERN!
LET HER IN,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
IT IS MY NEW DATE.
HELGA IS AWAY.
I WAS EXPECTING YOU.
I WASN'T.
THIS IS
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
MY ASSISTANT.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO KISS HIM?
THAT WILL NOT
BE NECESSARY.
LET'S NOT BE HASTY,
HERR FLICK.
GO TO YOUR CUPBOARD,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
WOULD YOU LIKE
A DRINK?
THE TAP WATER HERE
IS EXCELLENT.
YOU DO NOT HAVE
TO BEAT ABOUT THE BUSH
WITH ME, HERR FLICK.
REMOVE YOUR GLASSES!
I AM NOT ACCUSTOMED
TO BEING GIVEN ORDERS.
I BELIEVE
A WOMAN SHOULD ALWAYS BE
DOMINANT IN A RELATIONSHIP.
I HAVE
DIFFERENT VIEWS.
BUT WITHOUT
MY GLASSES,
IT NOT EASY
TO EXPRESS THEM.
TAKE OFF YOUR TIE.
I DO NOT STRIP
ON FIRST DATES.
THEN I WILL DO IT
FOR YOU.
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
HELP.
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN,
HERR FLICK.
I'M LOCKING MYSELF
IN MY CUPBOARD.
THIS IS A VERY
WOBBLY VAN, RENE.
EVERYTHING IS VERY WOBBLY.
THIS ICE CREAM
WILL CURDLE.
LET US HOPE WE CAN
GET THE JOB DONE
BEFORE IT AFFECTS
ANYTHING ELSE.
WHERE IS MONSIEUR ALPHONSE?
OH, MY DICKY TICKER.
I DON'T THINK I CAN STAND IT
IN HERE FOR TOO LONG.
OH MY GOD,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
HAS GOT OVERHEATED.
WILL YOU PASS ME
A FROZEN DRINK ON A STICK?
THAT'S BETTER.
THANK YOU,
MADEMOISELLE.
ARE YOU SURE YOU
ARE UP TO THIS?
OH, OF COURSE, MONSIEUR.
I HAVE HERE MY BIG--
HAMMER
AND CHISEL,
WHICH I USE FOR ENGRAVING
GRAVESTONES.
I SHALL DROP DOWN THROUGH
THE TRAP DOOR BENEATH THE VAN,
AND UNDER THE CLATTER
OF THE ENGINES,
I SHALL BANG OUT
THE RUSTY BOLTS.
BE CAREFUL,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
THERE ARE GERMANS
EVERYWHERE.
I WILL DO MY BEST,
BUT I AM NOT
AS YOUNG AS I WAS.
I SHALL ONLY BE ABLE TO BANG
FOR SHORT PERIODS.
THIS I CAN BELIEVE.
I WILL ATTACH A HOOK
TO THE COVER OF THE DRAIN,
AND USE THE AUXILIARY MOTOR,
WHICH POWERS
THE ICE CREAM PUMP,
TO RAISE UP THE GRATING.
TO--
EXCUSEZ-MOI.
THIS COULD BE A LONG JOB.
I THINK I'LL HAVE A LOLLY
WHILE WE ARE WAITING.
THANK YOU,
THE DAY IS WARMER
THAN I THOUGHT.
THIS LOVELY WARM WEATHER
HAS PUT ME
IN AN EXCELLENT MOOD.
BRING US THREE GLASSES
OF ICED CHAMPAGNE.
OF COURSE,
COLONEL.
THAT IS MOST GENEROUS
OF YOU, COLONEL.
PUT IT ON
BERTORELLI'S ACCOUNT.
NOT ON
YOUR NELLY.
YOU PAY
FOR YOUR DRINKS,
I PAY FOR MINE.
( honking )
AH, SO,
THIS IS HOW
YOU SPEND YOUR TIME--
IDLING AWAY THE HOURS
WHEN YOU SHOULD BE OUT
SEARCHING HIGH AND LOW
FOR MY MISSING PAINTING.
GLAD TO SEE YOU,
GENERAL.
WE WERE JUST HOLDING
A MEETING TO DISCUSS
HOW TO TIGHTEN UP
SECURITY IN THE VILLAGE.
WELL, YOU CAN BEGIN
BY EXPLAINING TO ME
WHAT THAT ICE CREAM VAN
IS DOING IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE SQUARE.
IT LOOKS AS IF
IT BELONGS TO RENE,
WHO RUNS THE CAFE,
GENERAL.
WHO GAVE PERMISSION?
DID YOU GIVE PERMISSION,
GRUBER?
NO.
- DID YOU, BERTORELLI?
- NO.
WELL, I DIDN'T.
THAT IS MOST LAX
OF YOU, COLONEL.
WE CANNOT HAVE UNAUTHORIZED
ICE CREAM VANS
PARKED IN THE SQUARE.
WHAT IF A CONVOY
WANTED TO COME THROUGH?
SUMMON THE OWNER
AT ONCE.
GRUBER, ATTRACT
RENE'S ATTENTION.
YOO-HOO, RENE!
CAN WE
HAVE A WORD?
OH MY GOD, THE LIEUTENANT
IS WAVING TO ME.
I WILL TRY
TO KEEP THE GERMANS
AWAY FROM HERE.
COMING, LIEUTENANT.
Alphonse:
YVETTE, MIMI!
WHERE IS RENE?
HE HAS HAD TO GO
TO LIEUTENANT GRUBER
AT THE CAFE.
GOOD AFTERNOON,
GENERAL,
COLONEL,
LIEUTENANT, CAPTAIN.
I HOPE EVERYTHING
IS ALL RIGHT.
WE DID NOT
GIVE YOU
PERMISSION TO SELL
ICE CREAM, RENE.
I AM SORRY,
COLONEL.
I THOUGHT THAT AS I HAD
A LICENSE TO RUN A CAFE,
THIS WAS WAS MERELY A SMALL
EXTENSION OF THE BUSINESS.
WE DID NOT MEAN
TO BREAK ANY RULES.
MILITARY REGULATIONS
STRICTLY PROHIBIT
THE SALE OF ANY FOODSTUFFS
WITHOUT A PERMIT.
I ASSURE YOU,
GENERAL,
THE ICE CREAM IS AS TASTY
AS ANY OF THE FOOD
WE SERVE IN THE CAFE.
THAT'S NOT SAYING MUCH.
ONLY THE ITALIANS
CAN MAKE THE ICE CREAM.
THAT'S ALL YOU'RE FIT FOR.
WHERE DID YOU GET
THE PETROL?
IT IS RATIONED
AND FOR MILITARY USE ONLY.
IT DOES NOT USE PETROL,
GENERAL.
WE ARE ACTUALLY RUNNING IT
ON FURNITURE POLISH.
PFFT, YOU STILL DID NOT
SEEK PERMISSION.
OH, PLEASE,
GENERAL.
THE WEATHER
IS SO WARM,
WE THOUGHT
YOUR MEN MIGHT LIKE
SOME ICE CREAM WHEN
THEY WERE OFF DUTY.
HOW THOUGHTFUL
OF YOU.
IT REALLY IS VERY GOOD
ICE CREAM, GENERAL.
I AM NOT A MONSTER WHO WOULD
FORBID THE SALE OF ICE CREAM.
IF IT IS SO GOOD,
PERHAPS WE SHOULD
TRY SOME.
NO-- PROBLEM,
GENERAL.
OH MY GOD, THE GERMANS
ARE COMING THIS WAY.
WE MUST WARN
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
DO NOT FEAR,
MESSIEURS.
THE WINCH WILL HAVE YOU
OUT IN A JIFFY.
WHAT DID HE SAY,
CARSTAIRS?
NO IDEA, OLD BOY.
DON'T SPEAK A WORD
OF THE LANGUAGE.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
THE GERMANS,
THE GERMANS!
I'M ALMOST FINISHED.
DO NOT BE
IN SUCH A HURRY.
THIS IS A VERY
NOISY ENGINE.
THE ICE MAKING MACHINERY
IS ON ITS LAST LEGS,
I AM AFRAID.
WELL, WHAT SHALL
WE HAVE?
CORNETS
ALL AROUND?
AFTER YOU,
GENERAL.
YVETTE, AN ICE CREAM FOR
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
YES, OF COURSE.
MAKE IT THE BIGGEST
ONE YOU HAVE.
HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO SAY?
WOULD YOU LIKE
A WAFER WITH IT?
( theme music playing )