'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s07e10 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
( grunting )
THESE CHICKEN SANDWICHES
ARE FOR THE TWO IDIOT
BRITISH AIRMEN,
WHO ARE STILL
STUCK DOWN THE DRAIN
IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE TOWN SQUARE.
THERE ARE TOO MANY
GERMANS ABOUT
TO FEED THEM
THROUGH THE GRATING,
SO I AM GOING TO LOWER THIS TRAY
DOWN THE DRAIN IN OUR GARDEN,
AND LET IT FLOAT TO THEM
THROUGH THE UNDERGROUND STREAM.
NEEDLESS TO SAY--
NEEDLESS TO SAY, OUR PLAN
TO GET THEM OUT UNDER COVER
OF MY OLD ICE CREAM VAN,
WENT DESPERATELY WRONG.
THE CLAPPED OUT
ICE MAKING MACHINERY
WENT BERSERK AND SQUIRTED
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
IN THE FACE
WITH VANILLA ICE CREAM.
THE RESULT IS NOW THAT,
ICE CREAM HAS
BEEN BANNED IN NOUVION,
AND GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
HAS BEEN TREATED
FOR FROSTBITE TO HIS NOSE.
OH, RENE,
I FOUND YOU
ALONE AT LAST.
WHY ARE YOU REVEALING SO MUCH
OF YOUR LITTLE BODY, MIMI?
I AM GOING
SUNBATHING.
OH, HOLD ME
TO YOU.
YOU ARE
VERY SLIPPERY.
I HAVE RUBBED
MYSELF ALL OVER
WITH OLIVE OIL
TO AID MY TAN.
RENE, TAKE OFF
YOUR CLOTHES,
AND JOIN ME BEHIND
THE HEN HOUSE.
THERE IS
STILL SOME OIL
IN THE BOTTLE.
I'LL APPLY IT.
NO, NO, NO.
I NEED THAT OIL
TO MAKE THE VINAIGRETTE
FOR TONIGHT.
OFF YOU GO.
AND REMEMBER
THE SUN IS VERY HOT,
SO MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT
SAUTE YOURSELF.
Yvette:
OHHH,
RENE,
THE HOT WEATHER
HAS AROUSED MY PASSIONS.
EMBRACE ME.
RENE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOLDING
THAT SERVANT GIRL IN YOUR ARMS?
YOU STUPID WOMAN.
CAN YOU NOT SEE
THIS POOR CHILD
IS-- IS SUFFERING
FROM SUNSTROKE
BECAUSE SHE'S NOT
WEARING HER HAT?
IF I HAD
NOT CAUGHT HER,
SHE MIGHT HAVE
FALLEN DOWN THE DRAIN
AND BE ON HER WAY
TO THE COAST BY NOW.
PUT YOUR HAT ON
IMMEDIATELY, YVETTE.
OH, I AM SORRY, RENE.
I DID NOT REALIZE.
NOW, GO AND DO
YOUR SUNBATHING.
AND REMEMBER,
KEEP THAT HAT ON.
THANK YOU,
RENE.
IT THAT FOOD
FOR THE AIRMEN?
YES, I BAKED THEM
SOME ROCK CAKES.
TWO WILL BE ENOUGH.
ANY MORE MIGHT
SINK THE TRAY.
I HAVE TOLD THE AIRMEN
TO STAND BY FOR THEIR FOOD.
IS IT ALL READY?
YES,
WE HAVE IT HERE.
THEN LET US LOWER IT
DOWN THE DRAIN.
RIGHT, HOLD THAT,
THANK YOU.
( water splashes )
WE CANNOT GO ON
FEEDING THE AIRMEN
LIKE THIS, MICHELLE.
HOW ARE WE GOING
TO GET THEM OUT?
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
I HAVE DISCOVERED
THAT BY BARON'S CHARTER,
DATING BACK TO 1534,
THAT A GYPSY FAIR MAY BE
HELD IN THE TOWN SQUARE
ON THE SUMMER SOLSTICE.
HOW DOES THAT HELP US?
YOU WILL ASK THE GYPSIES,
FROM THE CAMP
OUTSIDE THE VILLAGE,
TO BRING US THEIR FAIR.
I WILL ARRANGE
FOR ONE OF THE TENTS
TO BE PUT UP
OVER THE DRAIN,
AND THE BRITISH AIRMEN WILL
GET OUT UNDERNEATH IT.
THE GERMANS WILL NEVER
ALLOW A FAIR, MICHELLE.
IT IS UP TO YOU
TO PERSUADE THEM, RENE.
AFTER ALL,
YOU ARE VERY FRIENDLY
WITH THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
NO, NO, I AM NOT
GETTING INVOLVED.
IF YOU DO NOT, RENE,
SOME OF MY MORE
TRIGGER-HAPPY GIRLS
MIGHT THINK THAT
YOU ARE A COWARD,
AND COME AROUND HERE
TO SHOOT THE PLACE UP.
BUT SURELY YOU WOULD
STOP THEM, MICHELLE?
PFFT, I WOULD
GIVE THEM THE BULLETS!
VERY WELL, I WILL
GO TO THE GYPSY CAMP
AND SEE
WHAT I CAN DO.
I WILL COME WITH YOU,
I SPEAK A BIT OF ROMANY.
YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT.
I LEARNED TO SPEAK A BIT
TO NEGOTIATE
FOR CHEAP CLOTHES-PEGS.
WELL, YOU MUST
GO AT ONCE.
NO, WE WILL GO
THIS AFTERNOON.
THERE IS NOBODY TO
LOOK AFTER THE CAFE,
AT THE MOMENT.
WHERE ARE YVETTE
AND MIMI?
SUNBATHING,
BEHIND THE HENHOUSE.
OH, THAT IS A GOOD IDEA.
I THINK I WILL
GO AND JOIN THEM.
YOU ARE NOT DRESSED
FOR SUNBATHING.
WE IN THE RESISTANCE
ARE PREPARED
FOR ANYTHING.
I HOPE THE NEIGHBORS ARE.
WHEN DO YOU THINK
THIS FOOD'S GOING
TO APPEAR?
I'M STARVING.
I THINK I SEE
SOMETHING COMING NOW.
I SAY.
SOMEONE'S EATEN
ALL THE SANDWICHES!
IT MUST'VE BEEN A RAT,
YOU CAN SEE THE TEETH MARKS
IN THE CRUST.
INFERNAL CHEEK!
STILL, AT LEAST
THEY'VE LEFT US
THE ROCK CAKES.
( cracking )
I CAN SEE WHY.
THEY COULD
HAVE THOSE TOO!
( water splashes )
STAND BY THE DOOR,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
I AM EXPECTING
PRIVATE BIGSTERN
IN EXACTLY
10 SECONDS.
SHE IS NEVER LATE.
FIVE,
FOUR,
THREE,
TWO,
ONE.
MINUS ONE.
( knocking )
YOU ARE LATE.
I'M SORRY, OTTO.
I WAS TITIVATING MYSELF.
YES, THAT WOULD
TAKE SOME TIME.
LET ME PRESS YOU
TO MY BOSOM.
THE PRESSING
CAN WAIT.
I AM NOT UP TO IT
AT THE MOMENT.
I AM.
SILENCE,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
I HAVE A LITTLE
TASK FOR YOU, ELSA.
YOU KNOW I WILL DO
ANYTHING FOR YOU, OTTO.
I AWAIT
YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.
I WISH
TO GAIN ACCESS
TO THE COLONEL'S OFFICE
THIS EVENING,
SO YOU WILL
INVITE HIM OUT.
ALSO THE LIEUTENANT
AND THE FEATHERED WOP.
MAY I ASK WHY?
WE HAVE MADE A FORGERY
OF A PAINTING,
WHICH I WISH TO CONCEAL
IN THE COLONEL'S DESK.
IT IS THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.
DO NOT REVEAL
TOO MUCH,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
AN ANONYMOUS PHONE CALL
WILL INFORM
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
OF ITS WHEREABOUTS.
THE OCCUPANTS
OF THE OFFICE
WILL BE ACCUSED
OF STEALING IT
AND BE SENT
TO THE RUSSIAN FRONT.
THAT IS A MASTERLY PLAN.
I KNOW.
IF YOU PLAY
YOUR PART WELL,
YOU WILL GET A CUT
OF THE ORIGINAL PAINTING.
YOU HAVE SUDDENLY BECOME
EVEN MORE ATTRACTIVE, OTTO.
I WILL DO AS YOU ASK.
YOU DESERVE A KISS.
( phone rings )
HERR FLICK IS BUSY.
SEE WHO IT IS.
AND IT BETTER NOT
BE ANOTHER WOMAN.
YOUR WISH
IS MY COMMAND.
( ringing continues )
Helga:
Do not speak.
THESE ARE MY LAST COINS.
OH, JUST TO HEAR
YOUR HEAVY BREATHING
MAKES ME FEEL WEAK.
EVEN THOUGH WE ARE APART,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I LOVE YOU,
MISS YOU,
AND WANT YOU.
I THINK IT IS
A WRONG NUMBER.
BUT I'LL
JUST MAKE SURE.
Helga:
My maintenance course
will end soon,
and then I will return.
I long for your stern eyes
to penetrate mine,
to be pressed against
your brawn master race body,
to once again,
feel your hands on my--
( dial tone )
WELL?
IT WAS
THE WRONG NUMBER.
EXCUSE ME?
I SHALL HAVE
TO GO OUT
AND HAVE
A COLD SHOWER.
LEAVE IT RUNNING.
I HAVE FOUND THESE TWO
IN THE WOODS.
THEY TOLD ME THEY WISH
TO SPEAK WITH YOU.
WHO ARE YOU?
WE ARE FRIENDS.
I AM RENE ARTOIS
FROM THE CAFE IN THE VILLAGE,
AND THIS IS MY WIFE EDITH.
I HAVE FOR MANY MOONS
BOUGHT CLOTHES-PEGS
FROM YOUR PEOPLE.
NOW WE BRING YOU GIFTS--
CAKES I BAKED MYSELF.
GIVE THEM
TO THE HORSES.
THE ONES
WITH TEETH.
WE HAVE COME TO ASK
IF YOU WILL BRING YOUR FAIR
TO THE VILLAGE
ON THE SUMMER SOLSTICE,
AS GYPSIES HAVE DONE
SINCE 1534.
THE GERMANS WILL NOT
GIVE US PERMISSION.
THAT IS ALL RIGHT.
HE HAS FIXED IT.
YOU WILL DO
GOOD BUSINESS.
MAYBE.
FIRST, LET ME SEE
IF I CAN TRUST YOU.
GIVE YOUR PALM
TO THE GREAT ROMANY.
LET ME SEE
YOUR LIFELINE.
OH, IT IS VERY LONG.
SEE, HERE IT BECOMES
A DOUBLE LINE,
IT EVEN GOES
UP YOUR SLEEVE.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
YOU WILL DIE
IN A RAILWAY TUNNEL.
AND YOU ARE
LUCKY IN LOVE, TOO.
WELL, OF COURSE,
HE IS MARRIED TO ME.
I SEE A LINE
OF TRAGEDY AS WELL.
I ALSO SEE MANY OTHER
WOMEN IN YOUR LIFE,
YOUNGER THAN YOUR WIFE.
WHAT DOES
HE MEAN, RENE?
HE MEANS THE SERVING GIRLS
THAT WORK WITH ME.
I SEE DANGER
AND EXCITEMENT
IN YOUR LIFE.
WELL, I WORK
WITH THE RESISTANCE,
BLOWING TRAINS UP,
YOU KNOW,
THINGS LIKE THAT.
A LOT OF IT SEEMS
TO TAKE PLACE
IN A BROOM CUPBOARD--
WITH WOMEN.
RENE, WHAT DOES
HE MEAN?
YOU STUPID WOMAN.
WE HIDE WITH THE GIRLS
IN THE CUPBOARD
DURING AIR RAIDS.
DO WE?
CROSS MY PALM
WITH SILVER.
YOU ARE
A TRUSTWORTHY MAN.
CHEAP,
BUT TRUSTWORTHY.
THANK YOU.
MAYBE NOW
YOU WOULD LIKE
TO INSPECT AND READ
THE HAND OF MY WIFE.
DO I HAVE A LONG
LIFELINE TOO?
IT IS HARD TO SEE,
THERE ARE
SO MANY WRINKLES.
SURELY I HAVE
SEEN THIS
HAND SOMEWHERE
BEFORE?
HERE, LOOK.
THE CROSS OF DESTINY.
IS THAT A GOOD SIGN?
IT WAS A CHILD'S HAND
WHEN I SAW IT LAST.
THEN, IT WAS TINY.
THAT FIGURES.
I CLOSE MY EYES.
NOW, I SEE IMAGES
OF YOUR PAST IN MY MIND.
I SEE A BIG HOUSE.
THAT WOULD BE
THE CHATEAU,
WHERE I WAS
BROUGHT UP
IN THE SERVANT'S
QUARTERS.
AND I SEE A CHILD
ON THE DOORSTEP,
IN A BASKET.
THERE ARE CLOTHES-PEGS
IN THE BASKET.
THAT WOULD BE ME.
I WAS FOUND THERE,
BY THE BUTLER.
IS IT POSSIBLE
THAT YOU ARE ROMANNA,
THE LOST GYPSY PRINCESS,
WHO WAS TAKEN FROM US
47 YEARS AGO?
OH, NO, NO, NO.
I AM ONLY 36.
YES, IT IS THE MARK.
WE ARE BLESSED.
GATHER ROUND.
LITTLE ROMANNA HAS
COME BACK TO BE OUR QUEEN.
YOU MEAN I AM MARRIED
TO A GYPO?
NO, I AM SURE THEY HAVE
MADE A MISTAKE, RENE.
WE WILL
GO ALONG WITH IT.
WE NEED THEM
TO DO THE FAIR.
AM I REALLY
A GYPSY QUEEN?
THERE IS NO DOUBT
ABOUT IT,
THE SPIRITS NEVER LIE.
DOES THIS MEAN
YOU WILL DO THE FAIR?
FOR QUEEN ROMANNA?
OF COURSE.
BRING OUT OUR POSTERS.
YOU WILL PASTE THEM UP
IN THE TOWN.
BUT NOW,
WE MUST CELEBRATE.
CAN YOU SING, ROMANNA?
YOUR MOTHER HAD
A MAGNIFICENT VOICE.
ANOTHER CLUE, RENE.
SHE HAS PASSED IT
ONTO ME.
IT DID NOT
TRAVEL WELL.
SING, ROMANNA.
PLAY, GYPSY ♪
LAUGH, GYPSY ♪
- SING, GYPSY
- ( dogs barking )
CRY, GYPSY
THAT'S ENOUGH!
YOU ARE NOT ROMANNA.
ARE YOU SURE?
POSITIVE.
PERHAPS A VERY
DISTANT COUSIN.
WE'D LEFT QUITE A FEW
BABIES ON DOORSTEPS.
I HAD QUITE GROWN
TO LIKE THE IDEA
OF BEING A GYPSY,
LIVING HERE,
IN THE OPEN AIR,
SINGING ROUND
THE CAMPFIRE
EVERY EVENING.
WE ARE NOT SO KEEN.
YOU HAVE BEEN
AWAY FROM US TOO LONG.
YOU HAVE BUILT
YOUR OWN LIFE ELSEWHERE.
YOU SHOULD
GO BACK TO IT.
WHAT ABOUT THE FAIR?
OH, WE'LL STILL DO IT.
WE NEED THE MONEY.
NOW, TAKE OUR POSTERS.
WE WILL COME
ON THE SOLSTICE.
GOODBYE.
- GOODBYE.
- BYE.
THINK, RENE.
YOU WERE NEARLY MARRIED
TO A GYPSY QUEEN.
WOULD NOT THAT
HAVE BEEN A SHOCK?
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
TO LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
COLONEL, HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE ME TO SING YOU A SONG?
THAT SOUNDS
LIKE A GOOD IDEA.
LIEUTENANT, DO YOU KNOW
"NAUGHTY LOLA"?
YOU START, I'LL FOLLOW.
THEY CALL ME
NAUGHTY LOLA
THE WISEST GIRL
ON EARTH
AT HOME MY PIANOLA ♪
IS PLAYED FOR ALL
IT'S WORTH
RENE, THAT GIRL
IS SINGING.
AND OFF-KEY TOO.
YOUR EARS ARE KEENER
THAN MINE, EDITH.
THE BOYS ALL LOVE
MY MUSIC
I CAN'T
KEEP THEM AWAY
SO MY LITTLE PIANOLA ♪
IS WORKING
NIGHT AND DAY, HEY!
COME ON,
EVERYBODY JOIN IN.
THEY CALL ME
NAUGHTY LOLA
THE WISEST GIRL
ON EARTH
- AT HOME--
- SILENCE!
COLONEL, YOU ARE
UNDER ARREST.
YOU TOO, CAPTAIN.
WHAT IS THE MATTER,
GENERAL?
YOU ARE
UNDER ARREST TOO.
I FOUND THIS
IN YOUR DESK, COLONEL--
THE REMAINS
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA,
WHICH WAS STOLEN
FROM MY QUARTERS
IN THE CHATEAU.
CLEARLY, YOU ARE ALL
INVOLVED IN THIS THEFT.
THERE MUST BE
SOME MISTAKE,
GENERAL.
YES, AND YOU MADE IT.
GUARDS!
TAKE THEM TO THE DUNGEONS
OF THE CHATEAU.
I DO NOT WANT
TO THROW A SPANNER
IN THE WORKS, GENERAL,
BUT THERE ARE NO DOORS
ON THE CHATEAU DUNGEONS.
THEY HAD WOODWORM,
AND WERE SENT AWAY
LAST WEEK
TO BE MEASURED
AND REPLACED.
ON WHOSE ORDERS?
YOURS.
AH, WELL--
TAKE THEM
TO THE TOWN JAIL.
THIS IS
OUTRAGEOUS.
WE BEEN FIXED UP!
THIS WILL NOT LOOK GOOD
ON MY C.V.
OH, RENE,
THEY ARE BEING
THROWN INTO JAIL.
IS THAT NOT AWFUL?
YES, THEY HAVE NOT
PAID FOR THEIR BEER.
CLOTHES-PEGS,
CLOTHES-PEGS.
WHO WILL BUY
SOME CLOTHES-PEGS
FROM A POOR OLD
GYPSY CLOTHES-PEG SELLER?
IT IS I, LECLERC.
WHAT ARE YOU DRESSED
LIKE THAT FOR,
YOU SILLY OLD FOOL?
I HAVE BROUGHT YOU
A MESSAGE FROM THE GYPSIES.
THEY CANNOT BRING
THEIR FAIR TO THE VILLAGE.
- WHAT?
- A BLACK CAT
HAS PASSED THE GREAT ROMANY,
WALKING BACKWARDS.
WHAT WAS THE GREAT ROMANY
DOING WALKING BACKWARDS?
NO, HE WASN'T.
THE CAT WAS.
IT IS A BAD OMEN,
AND THEY WILL NOT COME NOW.
OH MY GOD.
HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET
THE AIRMEN OUT OF THE DRAIN?
RENE, MICHELLE IS
IN THE BACK ROOM.
WE MUST TELL HER
WHAT HAS HAPPENED.
YVETTE, LOOK AFTER
THE BAR.
- RIGHT.
- COME.
MICHELLE,
THE GYPSIES
ARE NO LONGER COMING.
THEY HAVE HAD
A BAD OMEN--
A WALKING BACKWARDS CAT.
THAT IS A BAD OMEN.
THE AIRMEN
WILL HAVE TO STAY
DOWN THE DRAIN NOW.
NO, NO. THAT IS
OUT OF THE QUESTION.
THEY COULD BE DISCOVERED
BY THE GERMANS AT ANY MOMENT.
WE WILL HAVE TO ORGANIZE
THE FAIR OURSELVES.
AND HOW ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?
WE'LL DRESS UP IN GYPSY CLOTHES
AND RUN OUR OWN STALLS.
WHAT ABOUT THE POSTERS
ALL OVER THE TOWN?
THE VILLAGERS
AND THE GERMANS
ARE EXPECTING
A REAL GYPSY FAIR.
HAVE YOU GOT
A SPARE POSTER ANYWHERE?
I THINK THERE IS ONE
STILL HERE IN THE DRAWER.
WE WILL HAVE
TO PROVIDE
ALL THE ATTRACTIONS
ON THE POSTER.
THEN NO ONE WILL
SUSPECT ANYTHING.
AH,
RENE, YOU CAN BE
THE GREAT ROMANY.
BUT HE IS
A FORTUNE-TELLER.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO TELL FORTUNES?
MAKE THEM UP.
YVETTE AND MIMI
AND OFFICER CRABTREE
CAN MAN THE STORES,
ALONG WITH
MY RESISTANCE GIRLS,
WHO CAN DRESS UP
AS YOUNG GYPSY MAIDENS.
AND WHAT ABOUT THIS?
WHO IS GOING TO BE
THE BEARDED LADY, HMM?
OH, THERE IS ONLY
ONE PERSON LEFT.
YOU WILL HAVE TO BE
THE BEARDED LADY,
MADAME EDITH.
I AM NOT GOING TO BE
THE BEARDED LADY.
WHY CANNOT YOU DO IT?
LOOK AT THE PICTURE
ON THE POSTER.
I AM TOO TALL.
WHAT ABOUT MIMI?
SHE IS TOO SMALL.
OR YVETTE?
SHE IS TOO YOUNG.
OH, REMEMBER
MADAME EDITH,
IT IS FOR
THE BRITISH AIRMEN.
VERY WELL.
BUT I DO IT
UNDER PROTEST.
WHERE AM I
TO GET A BEARD?
WAIT A YEAR,
OR TRY THE BARBER'S.
I WILL TRY THE BARBER'S.
THE GENERAL MUST HAVE
GONE MAD TO PUT US IN HERE.
I WOULD
CALL MY LAWYER,
IF HE WASN'T ALREADY
IN THE NICK.
I WISH WE COULD
GET OUT.
THIS CELL IS MAKING ME
CLAUSTROPHOBIC.
THERE'S ONE WAY.
NO, ELSA. WE'LL GET
INTO EVEN MORE TROUBLE
IF WE ESCAPE.
GOOD MOANING.
I HAVE FOUR MIGS
OF TWO.
IS IT MORNING ALREADY?
IT IS HALF
PISSED SOCKS.
DID YOU SLOOP WELL?
NO, WE DID NOT.
WHAT IS FOR BREAKFAST?
I'M HUNGRY.
THIS IS PROSON.
WE DO NOT KICK BROKFAST.
YOU WERE LICKY
TO GET THE TWO.
YOU ARE ALL RELEASED.
I'M AFRAID
I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
I HAVE EXAMINED THE PAINTING
MOST CAREFULLY,
AND IT IS
CLEARLY A FORGERY.
I KNEW THERE WAS
SOME MISTAKE, GENERAL.
WE HAD NOTHING TO DO
WITH STEALING THE PAINTING
FROM YOUR QUARTERS.
BUT WHAT WAS A FORGERY
DOING IN YOUR DESK, COLONEL?
IT WAS LEFT BEHIND
FROM ALL THOSE FORGERIES
YOU HAD MADE
TO FOOL
THE RESISTANCE, GENERAL.
YES, I REMEMBER.
I FEEL VERY BAD
ABOUT THIS.
COME TO THE CHATEAU,
AND I'LL GIVE YOU ALL
A SLAP-UP BREAKFAST
TO MAKE UP FOR IT.
( slams )
OH, BIGGERIT.
( carnival music playing )
THAT GYPSY THERE
LOOKS REMARKABLY
LIKE RENE, COLONEL.
HE CERTAINLY DOES.
RENE, IT IS YOU.
OH MY GOD--
HELLO LIEUTENANT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
DRESSED UP AS A GYPSY?
COLONEL, THE GYPSIES
HAD TO CANCEL.
SO WE ARE RUNNING
THE FAIR OURSELVES,
TO AVOID DISAPPOINTING
THE VILLAGERS, AND YOUR MEN.
THAT'S GOOD.
MY MEN, THEY WOULD HAVE
BEEN VERY DISAPPOINTED.
YOU MAY CONTINUE, RENE.
COLONEL, THANK YOU.
THAT EARRING IS
QUITE BECOMING, RENE.
THANK YOU,
LIEUTENANT.
AND YOUR SKIN COLOR
IS VERY AUTHENTIC.
IT IS SHOE POLISH.
THAT WOULD ACCOUNT
FOR THE FAINT AROMA
OF CHERRY BLOSSOM.
EH, WHAT I HAVE TO HIT?
IF I GET THE BULLSEYE,
YOU TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES?
NO, YOU GET ONE
OF THESE CHINA VASES.
IS A PIECE OF CAKE.
I'M THE BEST SHOT
IN THE ITALIAN ARMY.
WHAT I GET FOR THAT?
A BILL FOR THE VASE.
I GOT MY RANGE NOW.
THIS TIME, I NO MISS.
HERE.
TAKE THIS, YOU WIN.
WE CAN'T AFFORD
THE VASES.
WHAT A MISTAKE TO MAKE.
Alphonse:
COME TRY THE EXPERIENCE
OF A LIFETIME.
KISS THE BEARDED LADY,
AND WIN A FREE ENTRY
TO THE GRAND PRIZE RAFFLE.
OH, MADAME EDITH.
IT DISTRESSES ME
TO SEE
THE WOMAN I LOVE
IN A BEARD.
I DO IT FOR THE RESISTANCE,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
IT IS SO DEMEANING.
THE THOUGHT THAT LIPS
OTHER THAN MINE
SHOULD TOUCH YOURS--
DO NOT WORRY,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
IN THIS BEARD,
NO ONE WILL WANT TO KISS ME.
IS THIS WHERE
I KISS THE BEARDED LADY?
NOT ON YOUR NELLY.
RULE UP, RULE UP.
TRY YOU LICK
AT THE CUCKOONUT SHOE.
HOW MUCH?
TIN FRANKS A GOO.
YOU TAKE THESE
THREE BILLS,
AND THROO THEM
AT THE CUCKOONUT.
IF YOU HIT THE CUCKOONUT,
THE SKINTILY DRESSED
CRIMPET
WILL FALL OUT
OF THE BOD.
THERE'S A LOT
FALLING OUT ALREADY.
TRANSLATE, SOMEBODY.
YOU THROW THE BALLS
AT THE COCONUT,
COLONEL.
IF YOU HIT IT,
YVETTE FALLS
OFF THE BED.
I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE,
IT'S RATHER A WASTE
OF MONEY.
I THINK I WILL
HAVE A GO.
GO EASY, PLEASE,
COLONEL.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE
TIPPED OUT TOO OFTEN.
DON'T WORRY, YVETTE.
I AM A GERMAN OFFICER.
OH, THANK YOU,
COLONEL.
I AM SAVED, THIS ONCE.
DAMN!
AAAH!
OOH, YOU!
RENE, WE ARE ALMOST READY
TO RESCUE THE AIRMEN.
ABOUT TIME.
ALREADY, UNDER COVER
OF THIS TENT,
WE HAVE HANDED DOWN
TWO GYPSY COSTUMES TO THEM.
I HAVE HERE THIS JIMMY,
FOR THEM TO BANG OUT
THE RUSTY BOLTS
ON THE HINGES
OF THE GRATING.
I SAY, CHAPS,
ARE YOU THERE?
- HELLO.
- HELLO.
HERE, CHAPS,
TAKE THIS JIMMY.
AND GO TO THE NEX
DRAIN ALONG.
IT'S UNDER
THE SHOOTING GALLERY,
SO NOBODY WILL HEAR YOU
BANGING OUT THOSE BOLTS
ON THE GRATING.
WHEN YOU GET OUT,
WAIT THERE FOR US
UNDER THE COUNTER.
RIGHT-O, OLD GIRL.
THEY ARE GOING TO
THE NEXT DRAIN ALONG.
IT IS UNDER
THE SHOOTING GALLERY.
THEY WILL BE
SAFER THERE.
THEN WHAT?
THEY WILL WAIT
WITH MIMI,
UNTIL THE FAIR
IS OVER.
NOW I MUST GO.
ARE YOU GOING TO HELP
THE AIRMEN OUT?
NO, I AM NEXT DOOR RUNNING
THE TOFFEE APPLE STORE.
LIEUTENANT GRUBER
IS COMING THIS WAY.
HE IS COMING HERE.
OH MY GOD.
YOU MUST KEEP HIM HERE
AS LONG AS YOU CAN, RENE.
WE WANT AS FEW GERMANS
ABOUT AS POSSIBLE
WHEN THE AIRMEN
COME OUT OF THE GRATING.
AH, HERE YOU ARE, RENE.
I KNEW I WOULD
FIND YOU EVENTUALLY.
I SEE YOU HAVE
A LITTLE TENT
ALL TO YOURSELF.
YES, I AM STANDING IN
FOR THE GREAT ROMANY.
I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE COME
TO HAVE YOUR FORTUNE TOLD?
CAN YOU DO IT?
OH, WE COUNTRY FOLK
OFTEN HAVE THE POWER.
I WILL TRY MY BEST.
SIT DOWN.
AND I WILL
GET MY BALL OUT.
OOH, QUITE
AN IMPRESSIVE SIZE.
THE MISTS SWIRL.
NOW THEY ARE CLEARING
IT'S NO GOOD,
CARSTAIRS.
IT WON'T BUDGE.
Carstairs:
WHY DON'T WE GO BACK
AND TRY THE OTHER GRATE?
THE HINGES ON THAT ONE
WERE ALMOST OFF.
Fairfax:
GOOD IDEA.
LET'S TRY.
UGH.
I AM MOST IMPRESSED
WITH YOUR
FORTUNE-TELLING, RENE.
BUT NOW I REALLY
SHOULD BE GETTING
BACK TO THE COLONEL.
OH, IS THERE NOTHING ELSE
YOU WOULD LIKE
FROM THE GREAT ROMANY?
THAT DEPENDS
WHAT YOU HAD IN MIND.
THE GREAT ROMANY
HAS THE POWER
TO COMMUNICATE
WITH THE DEAD.
PERHAPS I COULD
TRY IT FOR YOU?
IS THERE ANYBODY
YOU WOULD LIKE
TO SPEAK TO?
YOUR GRANDMOTHER,
PERHAPS?
THAT WOULD NOT
BE EASY, RENE.
SHE'S NOT DEAD YET.
BUT YES, PERHAPS
THERE IS SOMEONE.
YOUR LATE
TWIN BROTHER.
MY BROTHER?
THE ONE I HAD SHOT.
IT STILL AFFLICTS
MY CONSCIENCE TERRIBLY.
I WOULD LIKE TO ASK
HIS FORGIVENESS.
I WILL TRY MY BEST.
SHOULD WE HOLD HANDS?
NO, THAT WILL NOT
BE NECESSARY.
HE IS VERY NEAR.
( metallic thudding )
NEARER THAN I EXPECTED.
HE FORGIVES YOU, LIEUTENANT,
FOR HAVING HIM SHOT.
OH MY GOD, RENE,
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
I DID NOT WANT
TO SEE HIM.
I JUST WANTED
TO GIVE HIM A MESSAGE!
RENE, WHAT IS
HAPPENING?
WHY IS LIEUTENANT
GRUBER SCREAMING?
THESE IDIOT AIRMEN
HAVE COME UP
THE WRONG DRAIN.
WELL, AT LEAST
THEY ARE SAFE.
RENE, I HAVE COME
TO HELP.
HELLO.
Carstairs:
HELLO.
HELLO, CHAPS.
Man:
THIS WAY, CHAPS.
THANK GOD FOR THAT.
THOUGHT WE'D NEVER
GET OUT OF THAT DRAIN.
WHO ARE YOU?
AH, WING COMMANDER
BLAKENSALE, OLD GIRL.
SHOT DOWN
THREE WEEKS AGO,
BEEN TRYING
TO FIND A WAY
OUT OF THE BLASTED DRAIN
EVER SINCE.
SAW LIGHT, THOUGHT
WE'D POP UP.
AH, THIS IS FAIRFAX
AND CARSTAIRS,
ALSO SHOT DOWN.
- HELLO.
- HELLO.
YOU CHAPS SEEM TO HAVE
ACCLIMATIZED WELL.
MEET GINGER,
MY REAR GUNNER,
- HELLO!
- HELLO!
AND THIS IS SPARKS,
THE RADIO OPERATOR.
- SPARKS, HELLO!
- HELLO!
I SAY, CHAPS--
I SAY, CHAPS--
KEEP IT DOWN A BIT.
JERRIES EVERYWHERE.
- RIGHT.
- RIGHT, K.B.J.
WELL, GLAD TO MEET YOU.
HOPE WE CAN STAY HERE
FOR AWHILE.
OH, ABSOLUTELY, YES.
I'M THE LEADER
OF THE FRENCH
RESISTANCE.
OH, HOW DO YOU DO?
THIS IS RENE ARTOIS,
A RESISTANCE HERO.
HIS CAFE IS
A SAFE HOUSE.
YOU CAN HIDE THERE.
OH, GOOD SHOW.
AND THIS IS
HIS WIFE EDITH.
SHE'LL BE LOOKING
AFTER YOU.
YES, ON SECOND THOUGHT
I THINK WE'LL TAKE
OUR CHANCES DOWN THE DRAIN.
RIGHT, LET'S AWAY.
ALL RIGHT THEN.
COME ON, CHAPS.
LET'S GET ALL THOSE
PONGY CLOTHES OFF YOU.
THAT'S THE BEST IDEA
YOU'VE HAD YET.
WELL DONE, EDITH.
YOU HAVE FRIGHTENED
THOSE NEW IDIOT AIRMEN AWAY.
OH, RENE.
WE LIVE IN SUCH
DANGEROUS TIMES.
IF I TAKE OFF MY BEARD,
WILL YOU HOLD ME AND KISS ME?
BETTER KEEP IT ON, EDITH.
WELL, THEY COULD
COME BACK UP AGAIN.
( theme music playing )