Ally Mcbeal s02e17 Episode Script

Civil War

- You kissed Ally? - That's not to leave this room.
Oh, come on.
Why'd you tell me then? T esting.
Because you somehow convinced me you care about what's been bothering me.
I do care.
But, first, I have to be honest.
What you did with Ally, unconscionable for you to tell Georgia.
You should never tell, unless it's clear you' re gonna get caught.
Right, John? Before we get into that, let's talk about the kiss.
- She has a wide tongue, doesn't she? - Excuse me? I hate it when women have thin, dry lappers.
Ally's looks plump.
Wet too.
She has one of those fat, juicy tongues, doesn't she? - You kissed her.
Fat and wet? - I'm not sure it qualified as a kiss.
I sucked it to ameliorate my own secretion problems.
I gave her a canker.
I broke skin once in college.
Nipple action, got carried away.
Then she switched from Chanel to Bitter Apple.
Sharing's fun.
Now you.
I think I've shared too much.
My junior prom, I inadvertently licked out my date's hearing aid.
- It was tiny.
I never even saw it.
- Couldn't you feel it? Well, I didn't know much then.
I guess I thought: "Maybe the ear experiences increased blood flow and becomes hard.
" Well, what did she say when you licked it out? She was unhappy.
I explained, but she couldn't hear me.
I think I shorted it.
Look at that.
We're here for him, in his time of need, he walks out.
You and me, John.
Civil Wars First up, the Sweat Man is due in.
He has IRS troubles.
Nelle, you know tax law- - "Sweat Man"? - George Chisolm, it's a gland thing.
He was audited.
Meet with him.
Wait, I have a thing about sweat.
I don't sweat personally.
I never have.
- I hate it when others do.
- I'm the same.
Don't even look my way.
Is he obese? He won't sweat on you.
We need your tax expertise.
Next up.
Ally, what's with the big kiss? - Case? Bygones.
- She won't settle.
I could use backup.
- Billy, second chair.
- No.
- Or not.
John? - Two witnesses.
It should go quickly.
- Well - Richard? Harry Wah is here.
He says it's urgent.
My lawyer said it'd settle.
Now he says the plaintiff won't budge.
Your lawyer? I thought I was your lawyer.
You are.
I threw my nephew a bone since it was a silly case.
But now it's actually going to trial, with my own son on the line.
- I need you to take over.
- Absolutely.
Fill me in.
It's beyond absurd.
They had relations.
Now she says he seduced her with fraud.
She's filed a civil date rape claim.
You think it's funny? Well, what's funny is, we represent that woman.
- Excuse me? - Paula Hunt.
- You're representing her? - Ally is.
- Oh, Ally, hi.
Dump your client.
- Excuse me? Harry Wah, long-time meal ticket.
His son's the defendant in your case.
I told him you'd be happy to ditch Paula.
- Richard.
- Conflict of interest.
He's our client.
You must withdraw.
At a minimum, throw the trial.
The judge won't let me withdraw now.
As for whether he'll okay me throwing the trial, I'll just have to check.
I've brought my business here a long time.
Harry, trust me.
She's not very good.
I want this firm defending my son.
- We can't be on both sides.
- Why not? Are you crazy? - It's okay if the clients know.
- You'll go against Ally? It's Harry Wah! No judge will allow us to be at both tables! Untrue.
If both clients sign off on it, it's- Harry Wah's okay with it? - Thrilled.
I said Ally stinks.
- And what if I win? Let's run it by the judge.
I need a second chair.
Georgia? How fun.
Us against Ally and John.
Fees on both sides.
Off we go.
Good lawyers, one and all.
Nelle, I have George Chisolm.
- This is Nelle Porter.
- A pleasure.
- And this is Ling.
- Ling.
Yucky doo.
That's Chinese for "hello.
" Ick.
Let's go to my office.
I donated to a charity and took a deduction.
The charity invested it in a cash value insurance policy for me since the premiums aren't considered income.
The problem is that the IRS says maybe now it is income.
And instead of paying the taxes on it, I've been taking deductions.
What do you think? - Well, Mr.
Chisolm, can I be blunt? - Of course.
I am happy to meet with the IRS agent.
But he's probably going to want to talk to you.
- I'm willing to do that.
- Yes.
But when he sees you sweating so profusely It's a problem.
You don't wanna see what's under the jacket.
- You're right.
- I try to control it.
I've even seen a doctor.
Should I be prosecuted for perspiration? I will meet with the IRS agent alone and see what I can do.
- Thank you.
- I think not.
I'll call.
One firm at both tables? The clients agree.
We'll represent each zealously.
- Just the same- - I ask for a continuance- I oppose that.
Wah can't be rewarded for replacing counsel.
- Not a lot of time- - Not any! - She's moody.
- You knew the case went today! I'm satisfied counsel will be dealing at arm's length.
I'll let this go forward.
Defendant's motion for continuance denied.
We start after lunch.
You're going against your senior partner? The other senior partner is on our side, and we're better.
But, Paula, the defendant.
He's gorgeous.
- So? - You said he was sort of good-looking.
That's not "sort of.
" The jury may think you wanted to sleep with him.
He lied his way into my bed.
- I say we're back to settling.
- No.
- This claim is- - Listen, he's rich.
Settling for money means no consequences.
He has tons.
I want the public condemnation.
- You're so angry.
Maybe you love him.
- I want the trial.
We'll see you back here after lunch.
Now, I know that Harry Wah is a bigger client - but you're playing to win, right? - I always do.
Because I'm not- I won't- Hello? No, no.
T ell her I'll return.
I'll take Paula's direct, and you can cross Kevin.
- Who wasn't it? - Excuse me? - Who was that not calling? - What are you talking about? It's Greg.
I haven't spoken to him for a week.
Is this related to your kissing Billy? - You know? - Yes.
Does everybody know? - Yes.
- Oh, God.
- Internally.
Doesn't mean Greg knows.
- He knows.
I told him.
- You told him? - Yes.
I shouldn't have? A relationship is most passionate at the beginning.
If you're already kissing someone else, he'd be a fool not to run.
Yeah, but why can't he at least talk about it? Men have different rules.
Here's an easy one: When your girl kisses somebody else, that's it.
- That's a man rule? They live by it? - Wisely.
You know that look.
At first glance, you just wanna bite him? That's how the defendant looks.
I can't win.
Any messages? - Greg still hasn't called.
- I didn't ask that.
- So why won't he call? - You could call him.
I did.
Third time, I'm a tramp.
He's a doctor, he's busy.
And you kissed Billy.
I explained it.
Why can a guy cheat with his penis and get forgiven, but I can't with a lip? Because he knows to you, a kiss isn't just a kiss.
It has more meaning.
I should kiss more to trivialize it.
Maybe the defendant.
- Is he really that cute? - Spanky toy.
Hello? Oh, yes.
Thank you, Elaine.
Call him, Ally.
- I'm not saying it was criminal- - You're imposing penalties.
- That's punitive.
How else-? - I have a hard time with his naiveté.
- The tax code is confusing.
- Do you know how often I hear that? Could you possibly hear it a lot because it's the truth? Don't get snide.
I have a short button with snide.
You have a short button? I'd love to see it.
I wanna meet with your client.
- Why? - Because I do.
I won't deem this an innocent mistake until I talk to him.
- If not, you won't like the results.
- Fine.
I'll warn him about your little button.
I was at a party, and we met.
And we just - We hit it off.
- You and the defendant? Yes.
I'm not good at meeting people.
I'm kind of shy.
But he- We just had so much in common.
We were talking, and I suddenly thought, "This is the man I'll marry.
" The very night you met him? My mom always says, "When it happens, you'll know.
" This is embarrassing.
I've always believed when I met the right man that our souls would connect, even before a single word was spoken.
Sentimentality shouldn't go unpunished.
Move for cause.
- I think I'll overrule that.
- Your mom told you about the souls? No.
But he did.
- The defendant? - It was like he was speaking my life.
For two nights, we stayed up until dawn talking.
About everything.
And the third night we made love.
- And then what? - And then- Well - A few days later, he told the truth.
- Which is? He knew me from my chat room.
I'm in a women's group.
He was in it, pretending to be a woman.
So all the stuff about souls connecting I'd said that in the chat room.
He used it.
- Did he force himself on you? - No.
Before you made love, didn't he ask, "Are you sure you want to do this? " Every man asks that.
It's in some book.
It turns women on.
- Did it work? - The point is I thought he was someone he wasn't.
The idea he was physically attracted just never occurred to you? - I knew he was attracted to me.
- Find him funny? - Did I find him funny? - His sense of humor.
Was he funny? - Well, not especially.
- Ever laugh at his jokes? - I'm sure I did.
- Possible you laughed sometimes, even though he wasn't funny? T o be polite? - Maybe.
- You like football? Football? That game where the big guys block for the thin guy with the ball.
- I've heard of football.
- Who is T errell Davis? - I'm not too big a fan.
- But you talked about it one night.
You were so happy John Elway was winning the Super Bowl.
- Didn't you talk football? - Because he's a fan.
I see.
You pretended to like football more than you did to impress him.
- Objection.
This is ridiculous.
- Everybody does a little pretending.
Some women even lie and still think they' re blameless.
- Some even cheat.
- Objection! Move to strike! Let's just keep going.
- You wear perfume on your dates? - Yes.
So? So maybe you smelled better than usual, looked better.
Pretended he was funnier than he was.
Feigned interest in things he liked.
Are you sure he went to bed with the real you? Ms.
Thomas has recently undergone a little strife in her marriage.
It explains her cruel line of questioning.
- Objection.
- She's usually likeable.
- Objection! - All right.
Knock it off.
- How could you say that? - You went over the line! - And you weren't? - Would you shut up?! - What did you say? - I said shut up.
- You've done nothing but yap! - I will yap all I want.
I'm a yapper.
What's going on? - Are we all fighting? - Quiet! Just wait till your client gets up there.
What are you gonna do? Kiss him? Low blow.
Let's go prepare, Georgia.
It's ugly.
- You were out of line.
- It was your idea to face me in court.
- There's a consequence.
- Which is? You have to face me in court.
- I'm not comfortable naked.
- You think I'm at ease? - What is it? - Liniment to keep you from sweating.
- Is this really necessary? - Perspiration plays like guilt.
If you sweat, it could cost you.
We need you poised and dry.
And Ling swears by this stuff.
I need more.
He's fat.
This is really humiliating.
I'm sorry, but we need you dry.
Listen, I know that we still have some differences- - As well as some things in common.
- Okay.
We should deal with it one-on-one, not air it out in court.
Like John was doing? He was stunting.
I will talk to him.
It won't happen again.
Georgia? I'm sorry.
It's not easy to- The truth is, I do consider us friends.
And in court, it's not good to think of opposing counsel as your friend.
So in a way it's probably just easier for me to look at you as, I don't know a conniving backstabber who kissed my husband.
I see.
Richard? When is the last time I truly offered you advice? Never.
Wait, I'm thinking of the last time I truly took it.
What's up? We're friends, albeit we typically go in different directions.
I'm concerned that this trial- Well - What? - I worry about the fallout.
Harry Wah is an enormous client and- How do I put this? - Just say it, John.
- I'm better than you.
This trial could cost us a client and jeopardize our friendship.
- Because you're better than me? - Yes.
- And you think you'll beat me? - Yes.
Let me tell you something, John.
You overestimate how much you underestimate me.
You can't overwhelm me with your stunts.
Understand this: I'll be all over you.
I'm not your underling, you have nothing over me.
Far too many over and unders going on here.
My point is this: No one beats me in court.
You won't beat me.
Hey, John.
- May the best man win.
- So you agree? You're an arrogant guy.
My arrogance is simply anticipatory.
It coincides with certain victory.
I promise, whatever happens, I won't let it affect our friendship.
- Fine.
- Fine.
It's amazing.
I didn't sweat all night.
Usually, I soak the sheets.
It's another thing not to sweat under pressure.
We're gonna ask some tough questions.
Hold your ground and stay relaxed.
- Okay? - Shoot.
Ling? T ough question.
Is it hard going through life as a soggy hog? Tax question.
What's the deal getting a charity to pony up your life insurance? - Who are you kidding? - My accountant- Is it a way of looking for fleet rates? Your premium is high since you're a heart attack waiting to happen.
If he survives me, Nelle, we'll know he's ready.
How are your pores? It's really the key for getting- You know.
- Lucky? - Noticed.
T o make an impression, you make her feel she's an interesting person.
T o do that, you have to find out her interests.
That's why you went into her chat room? - Yes.
- What everyone here wants to know: Why own up to it? She wasn't going to find out.
Why this compulsion to be honest? Counsel has confused honesty with a sleazy, dirty trick.
- Objection.
- Mr.
Cage? I apologize.
- So, Kevin, come on.
- Objection! I'm sorry, I was anticipating a leading question.
He often asks leading questions when he can't trust his witness.
- It made me gun jump.
I apologize.
- Can we get through this? Thanks.
You did mislead her.
I didn't say how I learned about her, but I believed what I said.
- That soul mate stuff, you believe it? - Yes.
And the sex you had.
Was it good sex? - Objection! - Mr.
- She appeared to have an orgasm.
- The point being? If she faked it, she's the liar.
If it was real, winner.
- Either way, she shouldn't be suing.
- The objection is sustained.
Seriously, Kevin.
Why? I'd seen Paula at parties.
I wanted to meet her, but I'm shy.
I thought if I could learn some stuff, it'd help me get a head start.
It was the real me talking.
It's the real me- Your Honor, I really must object.
Polygraphs are inadmissible.
- He never took a lie detector.
- What am I missing? He shouldn't say things he wouldn't dare offer if he had to back it up.
It's one thing to lie to a woman, yet another to lie under oath.
I remind the witness he's under oath, though the warning may have little effect.
Permit me to withdraw my objection.
Please continue.
- You' re not funny.
- I don't mean to be.
- My intent is to beat you.
- You' re not beating us.
- Are you still here? - What? Your presence is gone, leaving the jury with him.
He exudes chauvinism.
- I say we end this for 250,000.
- Are you crazy? - I haven't crossed your boy yet.
- We won't pay you.
- Excuse me.
- What? - Don't bump me like that.
- What? - You just bumped me, Georgia.
- I didn't mean to.
- I urge you to settle this case.
- We won't settle.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- I question your donation - How's it going? They've been in there a half-hour.
We'll know soon.
A shelter doesn't make sense.
I net out less.
I give away far more than I gain.
Not true, you take a deduction for the full gift.
You get your policy paid- This is an incentive to promote charitable giving.
This is widespread.
It's not- - You consider yourself charitable? - I do.
- T ell me about your off-shore trust.
- That's legal.
Why move money out of the country? You worried about banks collapsing? - No.
- Why then? I was advised to put my assets there to- T o what? If I'm ever liable in a lawsuit, that money can't be touched.
- T o make yourself judgment-proof.
- Yes.
- You' re divorced.
- Yes.
I see you paid alimony from 1992 to 1996, along with child support.
- Still do, I haven't missed a payment.
- I see.
- You don't pay child support anymore.
- Right.
Child support was eliminated, alimony was doubled.
Your ex-wife agreed? - Yes.
- Is it because alimony is deductible? Taking the deductions would allow us to give more.
- I see.
You like movies? - Yes.
Why do you deduct the amount for tickets? I'm in advertising.
I have to keep abreast of cinematic innovation.
I see.
- You don't deny you deceived her.
- At first.
- You sleep with many girls? - Objection! Relevance.
- If he believes in free sex- - I don't go around bed-hopping.
- You thought Ms.
Hunt does? - No.
- You knew she was conservative.
- Discerning, yes.
- So you used fraud? - Objection! - Overruled.
- Ever use that date rape drug? - No.
- Why not? It loosens inhibition.
- Didn't you do that with lies? - Objection! I take offense to the double objections.
- I'm getting tired.
- I remember the story of two brothers.
One became romantic with a pen pal.
After two years of writing, he said he was coming to see her in person.
This other brother, aware of the scheduled liaison, went first.
They kissed, retreated to the bedroom.
She discovered later she made love to the wrong brother.
All fair? No, but that's different.
Could you lean a little forward, Mr.
Wah? - It's not different! - Objection! She thought you were someone else! You took information from that chat room.
You moved in like a Trojan horse with a T rojan condom! - Objection! - Mr.
Cage! Dial it back now.
Here's a question.
Are you sorry for what you did to Ms.
Hunt or not? - I'm sorry, but- - Nothing further for the sorry witness.
- He's better than you.
- He's not.
He grilled my son.
Neither of you did a thing to help.
If you don't win this, you're fired.
What does that tell you? If we lose, I hope it's big.
The contingent fee will offset losing you.
- More fighting? - Quiet! - It isn't over.
- He wasn't convinced.
- You were sopping.
- All those deductions were permitted.
- But this one is a little dicey.
- Are you saying I could be prosecuted? I have one last meeting with him.
I'll try to make it go away.
- I was terrible in that meeting.
- We'll see what we can do.
- Okay.
You'll call? - We will.
- It was a disaster.
- Marsh likes you.
You know this.
He does.
Let your hair down tomorrow.
I'm not gonna win just by letting my hair down.
- But you might.
- I don't want to win that way, Ling.
- The only thing worse is- - Losing.
- Why is he doing this here? - Our office is like enemy territory.
He and Richard really wanna beat each other.
Richard and him, you and Georgia.
Your office is becoming a hot little place to work.
I don't think this case- Let it ring three times.
- Hello? - Hello, this is Shirley from IT& T.
I have questions about your long distance service.
Now is not a good time, Shirley.
Is there another time that would be better? Is never good for you? Or give me your home number.
I'll call you.
Would that be all right, you annoying bitch? - Call Greg.
- No.
I don't even wanna talk to him.
I just want him to call me so I can hang up.
- There's a lot of office tension.
- Yeah.
We keep talking about values.
Honesty's a value.
So's integrity.
For Paula Hunt, the decision to love somebody to make love, she put a value on that.
As she put one on trust and the sanctity of sexual intercourse.
Now, this man, he lied to get it.
We could say, " Big deal.
Premarital sex these days? It's the ' 90s.
" When he tells this to his pals he gets the high-five.
Got into her chat room, got into her pants.
Paula Hunt's not ashamed to say that sex should be accompanied by love and truth.
If that makes her a prude, fine, she'll wear the label.
That's her right.
But it was not his right to use lies and deception to get laid at this woman's expense.
It's that simple.
As a result, she not only lost the ability to trust him it's hard for her to trust herself to anybody.
So values.
We need you to attach a value to what he did.
Now, put a big value on it, folks.
There's plenty of other guys who think what he did was ingenious.
And some of them may be surfing the Internet as we speak looking for your daughter's chat room.
Attach a value to what he did.
Venus, Mars, name a planet.
Opposing counsel's probably been on it.
But we talk about men and women as Mars and Venus because the two genders are from different worlds.
And when it comes to sex? Please.
Basic anthropology tells you the female species looks for one mate while the male looks to spread his seed with many mates to propagate the long-term survival of the species itself.
Even a gay anthropologist says so.
Men are guided, sometimes misguided, by a different missile.
I won't lie.
I saw this beautiful woman once at a Van Gogh exhibit.
I put a bandage over my ear, told her I nicked it in a prior life.
Whatever gets you there.
Am I proud? No.
Does it work sometimes? Yes.
And women expect men to make moves to launch that first offensive.
That's why God gave us the missile.
Having said that, both sexes pretend at the beginning.
We all pretend to be what the other wants to see.
It's the mating dance.
Did Kevin go too far infiltrating her chat room? Maybe.
But he believed the thoughts he shared with her just the same.
He was genuine in how he felt they connected.
And remember this.
Remember this.
Remember this.
- He's forgotten.
- I have not! Mr.
Kevin Wah really fell for her.
When they went to bed, he was falling in love with her.
And he didn't leave the next day, did he? She broke it off.
Kevin Wah, he was in this for real.
With a lot of guys, it's only about sex.
Kevin Wah was in this for real.
My client is convinced you think he's a criminal because of, you know, Riverdance.
- He certainly didn't help sell it.
- And I don't know how I can.
Except to say he believed he was complying with the code.
It's subject to interpretation or you wouldn't meet with me.
Unless you had some secret crush on me.
- That was inappropriate.
- Miss Porter- Nelle.
I'm better at taking bad news on a first-name basis.
- I haven't given you any bad news.
- Really? - I had a feeling about you.
- Yet.
I know I can't change your mind.
I just really wish you could know George.
He's a good man.
If he agrees to pay the tax, I won't ask for a penalty.
It's the interest that's the killer.
- No penalty, no interest.
- Really? Oh, my God! Thank you.
Thank you so much! Thank you.
- You too.
- Don't you dare hug me.
This Oh, I gotta tell my wife.
Thank you.
Thank you! - What'd you do? - What you said.
I let my hair down and sent signals that I might be attracted to him.
Between that and the hug, I should shower.
- Hi.
- What's the matter? Oh, just a little sweat.
I'm allergic.
- Your case over? - Jury's out.
Ally, seriously, do you really equate that with date rape? Yes, the guy lied.
That's the first thing girls learn: guys lie to get them in bed.
We' re supposed to accept that? "Guys lie, get over it.
" Georgia, could you please stop doing that? - Doing what? - Looking at me like that.
Now, I am happy to talk.
But the looks and the attitude - Well, it's getting old, okay? - It's getting old? A week.
That's what you do.
You throw out hanging questions.
- Say what you want.
- This is what's getting old.
Stop bumping me! - Don't you push me.
- Don't you push me.
I guess I should just say okay.
Nelle! Nelle! Get off her! Get off her! Get off me! You've got my hair! What the hell?! - Nelle started it.
- What? We were fighting alone.
You made it a brawl.
- Ally.
- What? - Oh, great.
- Did you get blood on me? It isn't deep.
You don't need a stitch.
Let a doctor take a look.
- Did we get your insurance? - Yes, you made 1100 copies.
Are you all right? Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.
Did the jury come back? My side won.
We settled for nothing.
Which is a win.
- You didn't win.
- You settled? What happened? - My closing, when I said it was real- - It convinced me.
- It got us talking and- - You're back together.
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's good.
- I guess.
- We can't take a contingency on bliss.
- My dad will pay for both sides.
- Splendid.
Love wins out, then.
I'm sorry for not listening.
You were right.
Folks, time to clear out.
- Greg.
- Ally.
It's no trick.
She's really hurt.
Everybody out, please.
- I've been beeping you.
- I know.
What happened? Oh, Georgia and I just got into a fight over my stuff.
- You aren't best friends? - We hit a bad patch.
- Good news is I can butterfly this.
- Greg, I am sorry.
I really- I just- Hold still, please.
I just represented these two people who loved and then sued each other.
And while the jury was deliberating, they reconciled.
People- Me getting cut in a fight with the wife of my old boyfriend who I kissed, putting me in the hospital to Well, people get back together in the strangest of ways.
- Ally.
- Don't tell me I'm a great lady.
That's what you said when you went to Chicago.
Your kissing Billy says something about you and me.
And I don't need to tell you that, do I? - We're done.
- Not quite.
You need a tetanus.
Is that all I'm gonna get out of this relationship? A tetanus shot? Roll onto your side, please.
- You'll feel a pinch.
- No doubt.
You stinker! SDl Media Group
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