Ally Mcbeal s03e07 Episode Script

Saving Santa

They're still a little baggy.
That's the style of these days.
It's those damn teenagers.
They control fashion.
Everything is youth, youth, youth.
Don't teenagers want look good? Yes.
But they like it baggy.
Probably so that boys can conceal their weapons, and the girls can hide being pregnant.
Blame the schools all you want.
But it's the parents.
Children are victims of their parents.
Ma'am You're newly single, aren you.
Ma'am, I, I, I just want a pair ---- I noticed the mark where your ring used to be.
If I could just ---- Newly single women want tight jeans.
If you're going to get a man, you've got to sell your ass a little, am I right? Nothing's like ripe rump cheeks to get a guy interested in your phone number, am I right? It's vile! You don't care about how many years I put in.
I've been here for seventeen years! Does that mean anything to you? Easy, Steven, take it easy.
Let me explain! You son of a bitch! Hey! What are you ---- You hit Santa! Oh! Get off her for God's sake! Security! What is wrong with you! They attacked me! No! You attacked us first! They were just trying to help Santa! They came after me! All right, Dana.
I won't let you get away with this, Larry.
Seventeen years of service.
Well, ever heard of John Cage? He's probably the best lawyer in this town.
He will make you pay.
I've offered you another job.
I'm Santa Claus!I am the spirit of Christmas, you son of a bitch! Steven, shut up! I will make you pay! Is he okay? He's okay.
Maybe a broken rib.
Is anyone here pressing charges? No no, it's an internal dispute.
Thank you.
Are you okay? Yeah.
What happened? Oh, I fired our Santa Claus.
Everything that happened after, you saw.
And heard.
Listen, um that lawyer he mentioned, John Cage -- I actually worked with him until about a week ago.
Really? Is he as good as Steven says he is? I'm afraid he is.
But I know how to beat him.
You took the case? Why shouldn't I? Georgia, what is this about? Beating us, beating me.
Right, Billy.
Newman's department store, and I'm about to turn that down? Typical for you to think it's all about you! Stupid, too.
But I hear that can happen when a person soaks his head in bleach for too long.
Georgia, I suggest that you keep our problems between you and me, and I hope you don't air them out in the courtroom.
This is about work.
There is nothing going on between you and me.
Really? Really.
Anything else? Not a thing.
Then get out.
-Fine-Fine Too fat? Yes.
Believe that? He says I'm too fat to be Santa Claus! Did he actually cite your physicality? Yes, yes, he said, "You're too fat.
" Going with a thin Santa this year.
Well, fat is out, and so am I? If it wasn't your job performance, you ---- No no no no no.
He said, "I was too fat.
" That is why I am going.
Fat, fat, fat! Why? It's a function of the job, isn't it? Who ever heard of a slim-fast Santa? The problem is that if we go with that, it's okay to hire somebody based on weight, we can't very well say it's wrongful to fire somebody because of the weight.
Why, this is America.
It's always okay to hire somebody, it's never okay to fire them.
That's why this country work! Damn it.
How about ageism? If they're going to go with a younger Santa, then we can argue ---- No.
I thought of it.
They can get around it.
Basically, they're hiring an actor to play a part.
Now if the part calls for somebody young, they can't be required to hire an older actor.
Oral contract? Well, that's the only thing I can think of, but it's weak.
You'll never guess who Newman's hired to represent them! Who? Georgia.
What?? I love when I get to tell! Okay.
I think we should mark up a TRO with the clerk's office and hit them before they have time to dig a bunker.
Ally, can you second-chair? Mm, sure.
I'll get some more infomation from Steven.
I think we should go as soon as possible.
Excuse me, are, are you lost? Are you? You have to help him! Ally Ally? Huh ah, Ling.
Huh, hi, hel-hello.
Wh-what, what's up? Relax.
I'm not going to kiss you.
Ha ha! He he he, whoo, that, that, that, that's a good one.
Hahahahaha What's the matter? Umm um, nothing.
I, I just uh bumped into an old friend me.
And unn well, that I Now what? Who knows? Nobody else can help him but you! Aah! What do you want? Shouldn't you be out bleaching your head or kissing some client? Great.
I need somebody to talk to.
I see I've come to the wrong office.
Somebody to talk to? Well, talk to you cheater, pig, traitor! Gee, Ally, I didn't see you react this waywhen I kissed another woman last year.
Because it was me! Exactly! And now you've completely trivialized it,cheating on Georgia with me, by cheating on her with somebody else,with a woman you barely know, you lying, cheating piiig! I thought that our deceitful little affair meant something! Hey, can't you see I'm hurting? Ha! Ha? Yes.
Ha! Why the hell did you kiss that woman? You didn't come down on Georgiawhen she was sucking tongue with your father.
Billy, I don't believe that violence solves anything.
So you should leave before I leap to a poor solution! There was no contract.
There was an oral contract.
Not to mention the fact that ---- Well, certainly the store should have a right.
You cannot terminate a person for obesity.
It is wrongful especially when we're trying about Santa Claus, where being stout is a function of the job.
Not the new Newman's Santa.
What do you mean, the new Santa? Newman's has decided to go with the new, lean, health-conscious Santa Claus.
He's more commensurate with the store's demographics.
Fat and jolly belongs at Walmart.
At Newman's, sitting on Santa's lap should be its own reward.
What are you talking about? Things have changed in the North Pole.
May I present to the court Kristopher and Kristen Kringle! This is your new Mr.
and Mrs.
Claus? Naughty or nice, Judge, come to Newman's and find out.
Your Honor, in the spirit of Christmas tradition, let us all take a serious, extended moment.
Cage, we will not be taking moments.
The only issue before this court is whether or not there was an oral contract, and whether it was wrongfully breached.
With that we'll have a hearing.
I'll hear from fat Santa after lunch -- I mean, Mr.
"Sitting in his lap is its own reward"? There was no contract here, Ally.
Let's go.
Uh,weu-weu-weu-wait, wait,wait.
Um Georgia, how are you doing? Who's asking? Well Elaine, actually.
She wants to tell people.
And me! I'm asking.
Are you okay? Fine.
I just went on this new diet.
I lost 170 pounds of dead weight.
Feel great.
Are you sure? You can have him, Ally.
I don't want him! Yuck! Ew, gross! He never specifically promised youthat you could continue being Santa? Well, it, it was just understood.
I mean,I was Santa before he even worked there.
It, it was just a given that I would be Santa forever at Newman's ---- We've got a statute of frauds problem.
If it's a forever thing or more than a year,the promise can't be oral.
It's got to be written.
You need to be able to say that he promised youfor this year specifically that you would be Santa.
Oh, Steven Steven, don't cry.
I'm sorry.
He has a duct problem with his left eye, whenever he gets emotional well, happy, sad He cries out of one eye? You know, an oral contract can be implied.
Did he give you instructions? Tell you to push certain toys? I'll have to think.
We've got nothing.
You do know that.
Well, there's got to be something.
What about the threat of negative publicity? This is Newman's.
They throw the big Christmas Parade.
To fire Santa Claus right before Christmas? Not very sympathetic.
Well, some people don't really carehow unsympathetic they come off.
You know what, Ally? Uh, eh-pokep-pokeep I won't be judged by you! Too late.
The verdict is in.
Pig! Georgia is the one who strayed first.
After you bleached your head.
After you turned into a chauvinist.
After you hired your little candy-striper assistant! Georgia had the right to sit on that bar stool.
Did it entitle her to kiss somebody? No.
But you owed it to her to find out why she did it.
You owed her some exploration of the why, Billy.
And instead, you kissed some gold-digging bombshell client! And that is what you're upset about! Not that I betrayed Georgia, but that I kissed somebody else,that I betrayed you.
It's just like you said, you're upset that I demean my affair with you! Well, you know, there're two kinds of pigs: chauvinist pigs and selfish pigs.
I am one, you're the other.
Maybe there's some chemistry here -- two pigs looking to pod each other! If you think I'm going to go near your pod,you're as deluded as deranged! Oh, now I'm deranged, too? And pathetic.
It's nice.
You were paid a day-rate, were you not, Mr.
Mallory? Yes.
And, if another job came along,if maybe you decided to switch careers, you're free to do so.
Correct? Your Honor, if I may,I'd like to instruct my client to answer "no" to that question.
Hey! Mr.
Cage! Well, I apologize, but she's trying to establish, if my client felt no binding obligation to work at Newman's, then they accordingly should feel no binding obligation towards him.
It's a clever, yet tricky question.
Therefore, imperative that my client answer no.
Cage, I've had enough of you.
Do you hear me? I do.
Let me go on record:"I would be shocked and dismayed if you let your contempt for me punish Santa Claus.
" Your Honor, I, I've practiced law with this man,and when he stunts like this ---- I will not be attacked simply because I'm short! What?? The record will reflect she kicks midgets.
You've got to be kidding! Mr.
Cage, let her ask her question! Mr.
Mallory, since your termination,have you been offered any other jobs? Yes, many.
To play Santa Claus? Y-yes, but Newman's Santa Claus --to people in New England, he is the Santa Claus.
Everybody knows that.
Uh, but in terms of income, you have been offered an employment that would more than make up for lost wages, correct? Hummph, yes.
You tried ageism? No, it won't fly.
A-and weight? He, he I told you, they're hiring an actor.
They can designate type: if it's thin ---- If he's gay? You can't fire homosexuals these days.
Or maybe he's part Indian, uh, that's good.
Indians are in.
He's a white Anglo heterosexual.
The law doesn't care about him.
We need real merits.
He should have joined a union.
They'd never be able to fire him if he were in a union.
Even if he was touching the children.
Look, you're dead.
Why can't he just go be a Santa Claus at Sears? Because this is Newman's.
That's why the others want him, because the Newman's Santa Claus, that's Santa.
I remember when I was little.
I hated Christmas,'cause my parents weren't together.
So, I'd go to Newman's and just sitting on his lap,and Christmas just became real.
Everything else went away.
He was uh, magic.
Would you testify to that? Excuse me? I have an idea.
We need to take this to another court.
Would you say what you just said on the stand? Well I guess.
I'll probably be a fireman.
They don't make much money, you know.
I don't care.
I get to help people.
Artists don't make much either, you know.
What's the matter? Ally Ally? Hm? What's wrong? Uh, uh um, I've, well, um I, I've been getting these visions of myself at age ten.
And she keeps on saying, "You have to save him.
You have to save him," and, and I thought that she meant Santa Claus and,and, and suddenly I That's not who she means.
What does she mean? I, I I think that, um well, I think that she wants me to save you.
Save me? Why do I need to be saved? I don't know.
I I, I always figured of all people that I need saving more Do you remember how we'd talk about what we'd be when we grew up? You remember? Not really.
You don't? Well, um You, you were going to be either a doctor or a fireman, because you wanted to be able to helpat least one person every single day.
And I was going to be an artist, and,and paint the world with beautiful colors.
And we became lawyers.
How did that happen? Maybe, we both need saving.
No, she keeps saying, " You have to save him.
" Maybe because at least I can remember.
You can't even do that.
And sitting on his lap, you believed.
We knew every store had a Santa,some guy from the Salvation Army with cotton glued to his chin.
This one at Newman's, to a six-year-old, he was real.
I'm confused.
Are you a fan of real? Or is it fantasy? I suppose there's something to be said of realityblurring with the make-believe.
Oh, you mean, like your hair? Gee, Georgia,do you suddenly have a problem with long blonde-haired women? All right! Okay! I don't have anything else.
Your Honor, I call James Russell to the stand.
How long have you been CEO of Newman's department store? Eleven years.
And for all that time, Steven Mallory has been your Santa Claus, has he not? He has in fact.
But, Mr.
Russell, suddenly you're I should say, two days ago Your Honor, he tried to hit me.
I apologize.
I have a nervous tic.
When I get nervous, my arm shoots out, and I can't control it.
And in extreme circumstances, both arms do it.
I I was not trying to hit you.
Oh Mr.
Russell, can you tell uswhy you suddenly terminated Mr.
Mallory, and opted to go with a more lean, ripped version? Uh, the ad agencies have been telling us for yearsthe 18-49-year-olds are the shoppers, they're the ones who spend the money.
We've been making all sorts of changesto broaden our appeal to this demographic.
Well, including a thin Santa Claus? We should see the teenaged girls lining up to sit on him.
Yeah, but don't you see anything wrong with having uh,a hard body serve ---- Television works this way.
Why can't a department store? Mr.
Russell, would you agree that, uh, the Newman's Santa, he's always been the preeminent Santa Claus in New England? He still can be.
Leads the Christmas parade? Still will.
Like Ms.
Porter testified, "When kids want to see the real Santa Claus, come to Newman's" -- that's what you advertise? Yes.
You've also stressed commitment to community.
Has Newman's not done that, Mr.
Russell? Yes.
And um, we will continue to emphasize that ideal.
Uh, what about tradition? "Since 1912," that's in your logo.
Uh, haven't you always thought traditions as part of Newman's heritage? Of course.
But an alegiance to tradition,it certainly doesn't preempt changing with the times.
Yeah, that was a dandy answer.
Your shareholders would be proud.
Objection! Sustained.
How much of your business is repeat business? Almost sixty percent.
So, loyalty is important? Yes.
Uh, "Give back to your customers,give back to the communities," is that right? Yes, that is the Newman's way.
And your coustomers know that when they come to Newman's, don't they? I would hope so.
That uh, that parade, a lot of people turn out for that parade, don't they? Yes.
Couple of hundred thousand or so? It's a big parade.
It's also televised? Yes, it is.
What do you think all your loyal customers are going to say to their children when they see this thin, young Santa? I would hope ---- Do they say, "There is no Santa"? Do they tell their children, well, they just fall outside Newman's demographic? That -- whooosh! -- isn't fair.
Fair? Does "fair" count here? Let me talk about fair, Mr.
Objection! Sustained.
Dial it back, Mr.
Are you okay, sir? I, I, I'm fine.
Well, talking about fairness Billy.
What are you doing? Nothing.
I love that.
It's why I hired you.
You ever remember your dreams, Richard? The wet ones.
I try to.
Why? I'm serious.
Do you ever sit back and take stock ofwhat you planned for yourself in high school, and then measure it against what you are? You mean, do I wonder whether I sold out? Yeah.
But I've always planned to sell out.
So, I'm living my dream.
Forget it.
Billy, obviously you're going through something.
And you're no doubt upset with yourself for being a total schmuck.
But what you need to keep in mind: Before this, you were boring.
Whatever phase you're going through, embrace it.
Because at least it's interesting.
Sure, you look a little silly as this Billy Idol horndogger.
But what's important: People are talking about you.
Thank you, Richard.
I feel much better.
Yeah? Any time.
Richard, what do you see yourself twenty years from now? Now, see, there's your mistake, Billy.
By not asking that question of myself now,twenty years hence, I won't be disappointed.
But here's a question you can ask yourself:Why did you kiss that woman? Really? He talked about loyalties to the shoppers, repeat shoppers; commitment to community; the obligation to give something back.
He told you -- that man! Children sat on that Santa's lap and grew up, patronizing Newman's, dreaming of one day taking their children to sit on Santa's lap, in that same spirit of Christmas.
That spirit of tradition that he laid claim to -- that man! This tradition calls for them to obliterate the image of Kriss Kringle? Does commitment to community say: "Hey, for the biggest Christmas parade in New England, let's shatter Santa! Focus on demographics! Eighteen to forty-nine! Will they shop? == the heck with Santa! The heck with, with children! The heck with Yuletide Magic! Who cares whether children believe in jolly old Santa Nick! " " If they want to see Santa, let them go to Walmart, let them go to Sears! Let them go to Service Merchandise! Next, let's go after Rudolph, Frosty! Then, we can kill the Easter bunny!" Objection! He planned these children in the gallery! Oh, turn a deaf ear! He does! Objection! Pay no attention to these tears! Objection! Go kick an elf! Ob-jeeection! That's enough! Remove the crying children from my courtroom! Now! Mr.
Russell, stop the flapping! Was that effective? That seemed a little outrageous, John.
Well, a judge can be influenced by public opinion almost as much as a department store.
Y-yeah, but did you rent those children? What the hell was that! You've already objected, Georgia.
Georgia? That was despicable! All right.
Oh, get out of my way! I don't have to put up with you anymore! I'm sorry.
I I didn't mean that.
Can I please talk to you? Clearly, you're not fine.
You, you're very angry.
Do you blame me for Billy kissing that woman? Well, it's okay to, Georgia.
== I certainly didn't help things between you two.
But, but look, for, for you two, not to talk, to do just ---- What? You want to get us back together now, Ally? I've got to let your guilt have a life now, too? That isn't fair.
Don't worry about me, Ally.
I am fine.
He-he-hey! Billy, you having a good time? As a matter of fact, yes.
Thing is, usually when you say you're having a good time, it usually means that you're not.
Ally, did you come here to dance, or save me? Oh, see, I just came to have some fun, because that's what this is.
Right? Right.
It's not too late.
The night's young! So, what happens now? Well, they give their final statements, and the judge will rule.
Well, we should get going.
I had a dream last night that Santa kept coming down my chimney.
Over and over and over again ---- Never mind, Elaine! Maybe we could get some coffee.
Maybe dinner? All right! Are you going to date Ling? It's none of your business ---- Well, who are you trying to kid besides yourself? Why wouldn't you want to date me? He has a penis.
Ally, we have to go.
I, I want to talk to you when I ---- Since when do you care? Since now.
Since, since ---- Get away from me! First of all, they introduce no evidence of a binding contract.
Second: this, this filibuster he launched into about giving back to the community.
The community has no standing.
Your Honor, "filibuster" is a senatorial term.
It's bad enough for me to endure this scuzzy image of lawyer.
I refuse to sink deeper and be likened to a member of Congress.
Cage I suppose I could be called worse, like a Santa Claus killer.
One more word, I find for the defendant.
And then, third: this idea of destroying the myth of Santa, it's not Newman's responsibility to preserve this lie.
In fact, one could argue they'd be doing a service to children by exposing the truth.
You want to know the number one infliction of today's adults? It's disillusionment.
Maybe if we could cure this, this addiction to the dreamat an earlier stage, people maybe it could spare them pain down the road.
Sugarplums and family holidays, Christmas stockings ---- I think you're getting off track, counsel.
We all get off track.
A-and that's my point.
Believing in fairy tales, believing At the end of the day, life is just this big wall of realitythat we all crash into.
And maybe, maybe kids should get a dose of itwhen young.
Maybe it would give them thicker skin and My client isn't killing Santa Claus, Your Honor.
He doesn't exist.
He doesn't.
Your Honor, could we take a break? Ms.
Thomas, are you finished? She's finished.
You're probably sick of me butting into your life, Georgia.
But I am going to do it one more time.
I am not ---- YOU'RE GOING TO LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY !!! Now you kissed my father because you were angry with Billy, and, and Billy kissed that, that Robin Jonesbecause he was angry at you.
We have two angry peoplewho couldn't possibly be so angry if they still didn't love.
I am not finished! Stop screaming! Now, maybe you two should break up.
But, but how can you not talk first? How can you just reel off in anger without at least ---- Talk to what? S-some Neanderthal who thinks my day should get meaning from rubbing his feet? Georgia, I grew up with Billy.
Yeah, I know.
WOULD YOU LET ME FINISH? STOP SCREAMING! I WIILL LISTEN TO YOU IF YOU DON'T SCREAM !!! NO, I WON'T HAVE TO SCREAM IF YOU LET ME FINISH !!! Billy grew up in a home where his dad was king, his mother was a slave in the kitchen.
It was a home castle thing, and ---- So, I'm supposed ---- Don't make me scream.
Billy, he was a quarterback in high school, and all the girls were on the sidelines, as, as, ascheerleaders including me.
I, I was a a cheerleader.
You?? == just, just please don't tell anybody.
My point: He was raised in a patriarchal world, wanting to grow up and be like his dad.
And, and now, he works in a firm where the women are stronger than the men.
His wife makes as much money.
He's not even the provider.
He's got no castle.
And, and I'm not trying to make excuses for him being unfaithful.
All I am saying is, stuff is going on with him.
He, he, he bleached his head for god's sake.
And, and stuff is going on with you.
You kissed my father, you quit your job.
Stuff is going on, and it, and it's making you both angry.
And, and for you to just wave the white flagand let anger win without trying, without talking It hasn't gone too far yet.
But, for god's sake, get in a room and talk it out.
You love each other way, way too much to just give up! Related to my father? Everybody's marriage is connected to the marriage of their parents, Billy.
I know you're smart enough to know that -- even now at the dumbest time of your life! But my dumbest time is when I left you.
It was, and now you're exceeding it.
And it isn't that, either! What isn't what? Well, you, you think this is about me needing to believe in the forever of marriage again? It's not that.
You'll be happy to knowthat I don't believe in happily ever after anymore and, and at least I don't think it's the norm.
And, and if it does come along, it takes hard work.
And you two haven't worked.
And one thing you can't deny: I know you,and I know you love her.
And this new Billy thing it's a cover.
Does she want to work? Well Ally thinks our mutual hate for each other is something to built on.
are you trying to hurt me, kissing that woman? Maybe.
What about you? Kissing Ally's father, that was about me? Maybe.
You hate your life, Billy? Maybe.
We've exchanged three maybes.
This is progress, I guess.
I'm almost afraid to ask but tell me what you want.
I want you to put this back on.
Billy Thomas' office.
Can I tell him who's calling? No! He's not taking his calls! It's Robin Jones.
Oh! Hello.
Well, um, I'm sorry, but Billy's unfortunately being relocatedinto a witness protection program.
Oh I know.
It's quite tragic.
But, but, as a result of a recent racketeering trial,his life is in danger.
And several innocent people have been killed alreadyjust by having contact with him.
You're wicked! Tell a friend.
What happened? She said she can't bring herself to take me back.
Me too.
If, if, um if there's anything I can do.
Ally, the little girl had no need to save you.
You became exactly what you planned -- someone who's out there painting the world beautiful colors.
Or at least, trying to.
There's no enforceable contract here.
The defendant has no duty to the public, either.
The Plaintiff's motion for a restraining order is denied.
I further order the petitoner to pay the defendant's attorney fees.
I have to object to that, Your Grinch Uh, Honor.
Object all what you want, Mr.
This was a waste of my time.
Well,ppose you're behind now on your shopping? $1000 fine.
Anything else? Just merry Christmas, and I'd like to personally roast your chestnuts on an open fire.
Keep going.
He's done, Your Grinch Honor.
Well, Steven.
Oh I know you tried.
Thank you.
Mallory, it was very important that we win here, so you'd appreciate this is a gesture,and not the function of a court order.
We would like to welcome you back as our Santa Claus.
What? Really? Really.
You may not have turned the judge, Mr.
Cage, but you certainly persuaded me.
The Newman's Santa Claus is something special, and he should be more than about demographics.
He should be you! Oh, thank you, thank you.
It's a duct thing.
They're having a big old party at the bar.
Our client is there.
Let's go! No, no.
I'm going to head home.
Ally said he's not there.
It's not that.
I am just really tired.
Sure? Yeah.
Hey, how about you and me go to someplace else? Just the two of us.
Celebrate our victory.
Thanks, Renee.
But I am just going to go home.
If you change your mind I'll know where to find you.

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