Ally Mcbeal s03e12 Episode Script

In Search of Pygmies

Oh Ogh Figures.
If I get lucky enough to meet a half-decent guy, he flees the scene.
Here I am.
Look back.
What, are you married? Look in your mirror! What's wrong with you? I gave you a car smile.
Oh, well, life is short, and it's a Valentine's day.
I, I am really, really sorry.
What happened? We had a red light.
I, I, I, I don't know.
I, I, I, I, I took my foot off the brake for a second, and, and the car started to go forward, and I panicked, and I p-uh, I, I,I hit the accelerator, and I just We should exchange fluids.
Papers! You know, insurance and stuff.
You didn't hit me on purpose, did you? What? Uphh.
Why would I do that? Gee, I don't know.
To get my attention, maybe? Oh, I am so sure, if I wanted your attention, I could have just leaned on my horny.
Horn! He-he.
Um it's head trauma.
Ling! I'm sorry, it's my fault.
Ling! Now, wait, hold.
Ling! Richard, hi.
Never mind hi.
You, you just pretended to be blind.
-So?- "So"? So, Ling, there are, are real blind people in the world, and people ---- It's not like any of them saw me.
So, so, uh, where,where are you going, uh, anyway? It's none of your business.
Well, may-, no, uh, maybe, maybe not.
But, you know, every Wednesday,you sneak out of the office without telling anybody where you're going.
You, you Were you following me? What? Fo-following you?Why am why are y Yes.
So, uh wh-where are you going? If you really need to know, I go dancing.
-Uh you go dancing?-Yes.
-Uh, so, there's somebody else now?-It's not what you're thinking.
-It's a woman?-No.
-Poodle?-No! Oh, just come on! -Is your neck really sore?-It's fine.
You're not going to have to miss work, are you? -What kind of work do you do?-Why? Well no reason.
I I would just hate for you to have to miss it, especially, you know,if you're a provider for a family.
Are you married? -You did hit me on purpose, didn't you?-Well Mm-hm.
Hoping for what?To get a date out of it? Well.
Why would I want to go out with a personwho rams her car into me? I'm beginning to wish you'd been a pedestrian.
That's funny.
You know, let-let's just forget it, okay? Send me your insurance bill,and I will pay the deductible.
I'm afraid it's not quite that simple.
Why shouldn't I call the police? What assurance do I have that you arenot going to drive your car into somebody else? Hey! Buddy! I thought you were cute.
Okay? You looked like a cute guy,minus a criminal record.
I'm almost thirty.
I'm single.
I don't meet many prospects, and when I do,I will damn well run them down! And I'll have you know thatthere are guys in this town who would give anything tohave me drive over them and then, have me back up and drive over them again! Because, as rare as cute, eligible,decent guys are in Boston, good girls are almost extinct! No, one dinner, and I'd have youwrapped around my little finger.
That's what I think you're afraid of! I'm afraid of you wrapping me around your finger? -You're halfway there already.
-You're crazy.
Mmm, here's a tip:The best women are.
-This is where you go dancing?-I told you wouldn't like it.
-Ling! You're here! -All right, all right, all right.
You'll all get your dance.
Don't worry.
-Ling!-Marty! -My little Valentine!-This is my best friend, Marty.
-Eh, this is Richard.
We work together.
-Uh, great pleasure.
Darling, my batteries are running a little low tonight.
I, I'm going to go to bed.
-What?-Not to worry -- I've arranged for our song to be played up front.
Did she tell you we've beendancing together for eight years? Oh, come on.
Let's go! Why so tired? Have you been fighting dragons again? -Have I had a day.
-Tell me.
And one for you, and one for you.
O, here's, here's what I really love! Little, little triceps wattle right here.
Is that all right? ==.
You into that? Your batteries seem okay to me.
-Yeah, well -What's the matter? -Ling, I'm being kicked out.
-Excuse me? Lucy Taylor, she says my stories areagitating all the other residents.
And she's given me two weeks to leave.
How do you evict somebody from a nursing home? -If you let me finish, I'll explain.
-He's eighty-two years old.
And half the residents can't sleep.
The residents love him here, and you know ---- -Excuse me.
Hello, Walter.
-Why do you have a baseball bat?-To defend myself in case they attack.
-In case who attacks?-The Pygmies.
-I see.
And who told you we have Pygmies?-Marty.
-And you believe him?-If Marty says it, it's so.
-Pygmies are a peaceful people.
-Most of the residents like his stories.
It says in the contract you can be forced to leave at the request of management.
There has to be good faith at least.
It's a nursing home.
Where is he going to go? You know, I've always believed,in a prior life, I was a Pygmy.
I brought a motion to enjoin,the judge called a hearing.
I want you to go with me,since it's a funny little case.
Does Marty really believethere's a Cyclops or ? I don't think so, though I can't be sure.
I think he just likes to whip up a world ofmake-believe for everybody else.
Well, what is your relationship with this man? Oh, I met him, taxi dancing.
We hit it off.
He's sweet.
-Taxi dancing?-I volunteered when I was in college.
I like old people.
Sue me! But first, I want to sue the home.
They can't do this.
You know, Pygmies are a peaceful people.
It's the Aborigines who are vicious.
I'm not sure where she is, so Dennis? Have you come to make a citizen's arrest? That's funny.
Uh, no.
Actually,I'm here to, uh, apologize.
I think I may have overreacted a little bit.
Certainty isn't like beautiful women arecrashing into me everyday.
-Well, was that an actual compliment?-Uh, truth is, I would love to get some dinner with youif you'd still be interested.
-Well -I'll go.
E-Elaine, do you, um, have something to do? -Like drool?-Elaine! -Um well, sure.
Dinner would be, um, fun.
Pygmies? Yes.
And he has other residents convinced that little cannibalistic people live at the home, that they come out at night and attack.
Now, can't you just tell your other residents that isn't true? Yes.
But I can't compete withMarty Brigg's fantastical imagination.
When Marty tells a story,it's hard not to believe him.
-Like the Long-Faced Ghost.
What was that one? Oh.
Last month, there was a ghost with a long face, a man who supposedly had been murderedin a nursing home and had his dentures stolen.
And, as Marty told the tale, that ghostsearched for those dentures every night, going from nursing home to nursing home,from room to room, looking into the mouths of the sleeping residents.
I had half the residents wanting tosleep with the lights on.
-Last week -Hmm.
What happened last week, Mrs.
Taylor? I walked into the hallway,and he'd organized drag races -- for the wheelchair patients.
They were in the middle of the qualifying round.
One week it's Pygmies, another it's ghostsor dragons or wheelchair races.
You don't even want to picture the Nude Olympics.
-He also organizes the dances?-Yes.
Thursday night sing-alongs,where he plays the piano? Yes.
He does a lot of wonderful things.
And the other residents,how do they feel about Marty? They adore him, as do I.
There's nobody more fond of him than I am.
-But there are rules ----Yes.
When people throw other people out on the street, -The root of it is usually fondness.
-That isn't fair, Ling.
And you know it.
Move to strike what I know.
I don't know anything, Your Honor.
-Then, there's the bigger issue.
-Which is? I think that Marty may need help that we don't provide.
I'm not sure that it's just storytelling.
I think he may have bouts of delusion.
Is Marty a danger to anybody? Yes.
Some of the patients do suffer from dementia.
And that's the reason thatMarty's stories are dangerous.
Look, the bottom line is, he is making itimpossible for me to run this home.
An oncologist?Research.
I don't, uh, deal with many actual patients.
I'd probably get too agitated,as you can tell from yesterday.
So, basically, you're cute,and you cure cancer? -I try.
-And no girlfriend? No.
I don't, uh, get out much.
Dating is a little scary for me.
Why? It's no more dangerous than, say, driving a car.
Ha-ha, ha, heay, hah, brrr, hah, brrThat's a good one.
Well, what, we, we should, um probably order.
Have you ever done that before?Hit somebody with your car? Uh uh, no.
That was my first.
And no man has ever rear-ended me, either.
Hah! Brrr, ha-ha-ha-hah, hah, You know, it's i-it's not funny.
And, you know, you have a little crumb -How bad can a laugh be?-Elaine, it sounded like a cow giving birth.
I, I spent the rest of the date either talking about AIDS or the Holocaust or, or Linda Tripp.
The, the most un-funny,horrible things I could think of.
Anything just to, just to make him not laugh again.
-When are you going to see him again?-Oh god.
Never, I hope.
Ally, he's a gorgeous oncologist.
And you're going to reject him over ---- -If you had heard it.
-Ally McBeal?-Oh god.
Noo! -Do you carry a laser gun?-Oh, yes.
-Can you tell us why, ma'am?-To shoot Pygmies.
Well, do you believe the nursing home isreally plagued by Pygmies? Mr.
Cage, have you ever been in a nursing home? -Uh, not, not really.
-Well then, I tell you're very lucky.
They're usually very depressing, sterile places,where old people just hang around waiting to die.
But where we live, we get to fight dragons,we hunt cannibals, we dance, we sing, we have wheelchair races.
It's very wild and colorful world --and all because of Marty Brigg.
We want to put you on the stand.
And it's extremely important that you not come off ---- Crackers.
The issue is:Do you pose a threat to the other patients? The testimony that you might wieldmore power than Lucy Taylor -- that could be a problem if you seem like you're Crackers.
I think I understand, sweetheart.
You need to let the judge know you don't really believe there are Pygmies inside the walls.
What's important is that you come off the word is controllable.
Lucy Taylor claims she can't control you,and, if that seems to be the case, you will lose.
You, you follow?Oh, yes.
Look at me.
I need you to act likeone of those reasonable people.
-Oh how awful.
-I know.
Do you think you can do that for one day? I don't like to waste a day, honey -- not even one.
Brigg, your days at this home will be numbered if your testimony doesn't go well.
Trust that.
You liked him otherwise? Yes.
He's smart, he's gorgeous,and he seemed kind.
Uh, y-you know, maybe it was the restaurant.
It was an extremely quiet place and, and maybe his laughs justmade me feel self-conscious.
Maybe I should go out with him one more time.
-Do you think I should?-He's here.
Okay, te-tell him I'll be Uh, no.
-Show him in.
-What? I, I want to hear it in, wi-wi-with these acoustics.
Uh, uh, Nelle, you be the judge,and you tell me if I'm nuts.
-I can tell you that now.
Show him in, Elaine.
Hey, Dennis! Ally's in here! -Know any jokes?-No.
-Going into a bathroom?-Hey, hey, Dennis.
Uh, yeah, we have a unisex here.
-That's a little weird.
-Uh, well, we're very, uh, close-knit.
We think that we should go together when we go.
Ha ha ha.
-Um, you, you've met Elaine? And, and this is my colleague,Nelle Porter.
Dennis Martin.
-How do you do?-Fine.
Unisex bathroom.
-Richard Fish's idea, yeah.
-He, uh, likes to steal glimpses of all the sights.
-He knows he'll never be invited to visit.
-A ha ha ha ha ha I see.
Um uh, well, uh, hey, hey! Uh, Dennis, we were,we were just talking about one of my clients.
And after the judge sentenced him,my client, he says: "Uh, Judge, what would happenif I called you a son of a bitch?" And, uh, the judge said: "Well, I'd hold you in contempt,and I would add time to your sentence.
" So, my client, he says: "Well, what if I just thoughtyou were a son of a bitch?" And, and the judge says: "Well, I can't do anything about that.
Can't regulate a person's thoughts.
" So, my client says: "Well, in that case, Judge,I think you're a son of a bitch.
" He-he-he-he Ha ha ha ha.
Uh uh, well, I, I guess you had to be there.
Now, you can see why she has torun a guy over to get a date.
Ha-ha-hah! Hah, hieh, brrr! Ha, ha, ha! Brrr!Ha, brrr, brrr, ha, brr.
Ha-ha-ha-ha, ha, ha, hah! You like to make up stories? Well, I suppose I do.
The nursing homes,they can take away our autonomy, even our dignity.
But they can't rob us of our imaginations.
-And chasing dragons, it's fun.
-Oh, it can be magical.
But Marty, you know that the Pygmies and dragonsand the Cyclops, they don't really exist? I realize I have to say thatin order to avoid being expelled.
Your Honor, can I have a second with my client? -No.
Brigg, are the Pygmies real?-Well ---- Mr.
Brigg, the court asked you a question:Are the Pygmies real? Yes, Your Honor.
They are very real indeed.
==, Marty! ==.
-Order, order! Order! There will be no applause in this courtroom.
All of you, be quiet.
And what about the dragons? Not usually a problem in February.
Nevertheless, I always urge people to travel in groups of two, preferably of three.
Dragons are cowards.
So, they'll never attack if they feel outnumbered.
-Marty, do you want to be evicted?-No, sweetheart.
Of course not.
But I can't lie.
If I -What's the matter?-Nothing.
-What are you looking at?-I I just thought I heard something, Your Honor.
Brigg, are you all right? Yes, I'm fine.
Ah, ah, ah, aah! -Mr.
Brigg!-Marty! -Mr.
Brigg!-Aah! Aah, aah! -Mr.
Brigg!-Marty! Mr.
Brigg, what are you doing? Uh, uh I'm sorry, Y-Your Honor.
I I thought I heard them about to come in.
I, I guess I'm a little nervous.
I, uh I apologize.
Why did you do that? We told you all you had to dowas act reasonable.
-Why? I don't understand.
-I saw them all looking at me.
Who? Peter, Jeannie, Randall and Marianne,everybody from the home.
They need to belive in those dragons, Ling.
It's like Marianne said,it makes their world an interesting place.
Marty, most of them don't really believe.
They just go along with the gamebecause they think it's fun.
I konw that.
But if they heard me deny,there'd be no game to go along with.
They need me to believe.
I'm the one who delivers them to that other world.
But Marty, if you get evicted,that world won't live on for them.
The, the walls will go back to being white.
They'll go back to being old people waiting to die.
-They need you there for that world to live on.
-I saw their faces, Mr.
They needed me to So, you pretend for them.
You really saw those Pygmies just now? You couldn't say you didbecause then you'd be exposed as crazy, so you you covered,said you thought you heard them.
But you really saw them, didn't you, Marty?This isn't just storytelling.
-Forget it.
I'm going home.
-It will take you thirty minutes at the most.
I'm going home.
Your Honor, we just want youto see his influence for yourself.
I saw enough.
He jumped on meto escape marauding Pygmies.
The issue you're deciding is whetherhe's a detriment to Collier's Nursing Home.
Seeing him in the environs of that nursing homehas to be dispositive of the issue.
-I'll give you one half-hour, and that's all.
-He actually bought something I had to say.
Shh! ==.
Thank you, Your Honor.
-You, uh, all set? Uh, well, um a-actually You sit for a second, would you, Dennis? Anything wrong? Well I think you're a great guy a really terrific guy.
I really do.
Eh w n, but i-it's not going to work out.
-What? Oh.
You Ha-ha.
Hah,-Oh god -Brr! You had me going there for a second! Brr,-Uh, he thinks I'm joking.
Hah, hah, hah, brr, hah! Ha-ha!-Dennis Dennis, I'm dying!!! -What?-Well, I'm not actually dying.
I just think that'd get you to stop laughing.
Um I, I'm serious.
I, I, I really don't want to,um see you anymore.
-May I ask why?-Oh, well You know, you know, everything is, is,is subjective when two people are ---- -Tell me.
-I really don't think that I could even point my finger on it.
-Uh, okay.
I think you have a really horrible,obnoxious, disgusting laugh.
Oh hey, hey! You know, it's not a big deal.
You, you work in cancer.
Who, who needs to laugh? But, but, but for me ---- -You don't like the way I laugh?-No.
I always thought I had a very infectious laugh.
Well, it gets in there Uh,if that's what you mean by infectious.
Uh, Dennis, now we've onlyknown each other for a day or two, and I can't really claim to be your friend.
But, but if I were your friend, I would tell you tonever laugh again for the rest of your life.
See, you were desperate enough torun into me with your car.
But not desperate enough to put up with ?That's funny.
Ha ha.
Brrr! Ha ha ha Oh no.
No no no.
Nothing's funny.
You know, there's, there's not one thing that, that's amusing about this.
-Oh, oh, n-nothing is funny.
-Goodbye, Ally.
Brr, brrr! Heeeay! Ha, ha Look.
Let me say it again.
I don't deny his popularity,or even that he's a wonderful man.
It's just that he's such a big liability.
I have a responsibility to the others.
All right.
The controlling cosiderationis the welfare of the home.
If I were running it,perhaps I'd try to sustain his residency.
But I'm not running it --neither are the three of you.
From what I've seen,this falls within Mrs.
Taylor's discretion.
If she believes the welfare of the other residents iscompromised by his being here I do.
I'm sorry.
You saw the faces on those people.
Ling, I love him as much as you do,and I think you know that.
It's just become unworkable.
Time to hunt Pygmies.
Nobody, nobody travels alone! Keep moving.
You go off to the right.
Keep moving up here.
Nobody travels alone!Twos and threes, twos and threes.
Keep alert.
They're on all sides! -Marty, hey!-Sweetheart! Hello! Are you still mad at me? No.
But listen, things are just getting too complicated.
I want you to come and live with me.
-You can still visit all the time.
Right?-Of course.
But between visits, you need to take care of me --there are dragons in my neighborhood.
Let's go to dinner and talk about it.
Come on.
Let's make a plan.
-I just tried to give them something.
-I know that, Marty.
Who is going to take care of them now? Are you sure you can do this? Where else is he going to go?He has no surviving family.
Can't it be apealed? Uh,I know nothing about the law, I admit, but can't everything be appealed? Yes, though this would be difficult.
I think I ought to start my own home.
I'm sure everyone would follow me.
Yeah, maybe that's what I ought to do --start my own home.
-What's wrong?-Uh, nothing.
-Are you sure, Marty?-Oh yeah, I was just -Oh! Oh, man! Ah, ah! Run! Ah, ah!-Marty? Marty! Marty! Marty! No! Nooo! -He just ran right in front.
-Marty? Marty? Marty? Marty? -Ling ???-Get, get her out of here.
-No!-No! -Ling Ling, Ling!-No! Marty! -Call an ambulance.
-Marty, Marty No, Marty! Marty Marty I'm afraid the news isn't good.
-He's alive, but he's had significant brain damage.
-How significant? Well, the temporal lobes were crushed,as was his spine.
If he lives, he'll be paralyzedwithout any real ability to think.
-Now, we have him on a respirator, but -I want another neurologist.
-And I want you to get in there, and I want you to ---- -Ling -No.
Is it because he doesn't have any money? I want you to get in there, I want you to save him.
You don't know him.
You don't know he'll You don't know if he'll fight back!You can't just give up him like that! -Come on, come on, honey.
Hey -No!!! -Dennis?-This is a summons, this is a complaint.
-This is my brother Donald, he's also my lawyer.
-Oh, give me a break.
-You deliberately hit me from behind, Ally.
-But I didn't hurt you.
You know, you never know with necks.
I woke up this morning, and it hurt to laugh.
-What's going on?-Ally rear-ended this guy so she could meet him.
Now, she's dumping him becausehe laughs like a distressed cow.
Elaine! I don't know all the facts, Mr.
Martin,but I am told that you did deny any injury.
Neck injuries are tricky.
-You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
-Me? All right.
Why don't we go into a roomand make this go away? -Ah ah, I am not paying him a penny!-Ally! Let's go.
Three more neurologists have examined him.
And he is, he's not coming back, Ling.
-The only thing that is keeping him alive -- if you can call it alive -- is the respirator.
And in his will, you were namedtrustee of all of his affairs, so I'm not going to pull the plug.
So, you can forget it.
Who knows if a year from now,medicine, maybe uh, they, they might come up witha new way to repair the brain? -Everyday, new discovery.
You, you don't know -Uh, Marty is gone, Ling.
Uh, can I talk to you a second?I know he spoke to you about if, if this day ever came.
He talked about it with all of us.
He wouldn't want to be kept breathing on some machine.
This is what we all fear the most.
And Marty, this was a man who liked tofight dragons, he could stare down a Cyclops! The indignity of Let him be with God, honey.
He loved you so much, and I know you love him.
He needs you to help him now.
Twenty-five thousand?Oh, is that how much you get per breakup? -You must be rich!Ha, funny.
N-no!It isn't.
It does seem a bit on the vindictive side.
-We have a flat-out admission on liability.
-But you weren't even hurt, Dennis.
-I have a bulging disk.
-Well, it wasn't your disk bulging yesterday.
-That's funny again.
You know, I, I think I should sue you.
Yeah! Uh, I want to sue him.
-Abuse of process and malicious prosecution.
-Oh, please! -I think you wanted me to hit your car!-Excuse me? Well, why did you just pull in front of me, Dennis?Oh, oh, how convenient! You just pulled your car into positionso I could drive into it! Yeah! I drove in front of youso you would rear-end me.
Ppp! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh god.
Oh god.
Pay him.
J-just pay him.
Pay him! I meant to be hit from behind!Heeeh! Ha, ha, ha, Brrr, !!! May I speak to him first?Of course.
Pygmies got you, Marty.
I hope this is right.
I know you wouldn't want to live like this.
I'll watch over Randall and Marianneand the others at the home.
You watch over me.
You tell God to be good.
I love you forever.

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