Ally Mcbeal s03e13 Episode Script

Pursuit of Loneliness

-Tall, semi-dry, nonfat cap.
-Thank you.
Uh hello.
I don't mean to disturb you,but I am desperate for you to know my name: Hammond Dearing.
Got it.
-Have we ever met or seen each other before? -I don't think so.
-That's a shame.
Because I've been making your special drinkse-every morning for almost three months now, handing them to you every single day, and I was just hoping maybe once you'd pause to look at my face.
-I guess I didn't.
-Well, would you? -Okay.
Just one more second! Look, I understand you being wary of strangers,but if you knew maybe a little bit about me ---- I actually feel I do.
Which is why I'm walking away now.
But is it 'cause I'm a guywho makes cappuccinos for a living? Uh, no.
It's becausemy cappuccino is getting cold.
Uh, hold on! Just one more second.
Would you have dinner with me? Uh Hammond? Mm-hm.
you're beginning to get annoying.
Oh, gee.
And I sort of wanted youto reject me on a good note.
I -----Sorry.
I shouldn't have done that.
But my ex told me I'm a good kisser,and I figure, well go with strength.
That's a good thingthat you make a cold cappuccino.
And, um, your ex? She lied.
-The guy who makes the cappuccinos?-Yes.
-The little foamy?-Yes.
He actually asked you out.
What? Did he think you werea waitress or something? I don't know.
Nothing worse than getting hit onby one of the little people.
Uh you don't like little people? Oh, I don't mean little short.
I mean little.
You know, janitor, cappuccino maker.
So, if I was a janitor, you you wouldn't go out with me? -Well of course, I would.
-Ally? Are they here yet? -Who?-Lesbians.
Are they here? Uh, no, Richard.
And only one lesbian is due in.
-Oh -Uh, can I ask you why, -why is that men are so fascinated by lesbians?-Do you know what they do together in private? -What?-They have sex.
Heterosexual women have sex, too.
But with men.
There's nothing specialabout a woman interacting with a penis, unless it's your own.
Am I right, John? -Your ten o'clock is here.
Off we go.
So seriously, you,you would not date a janitor? -No.
Would you date a janitette?-A jan.
Uh, ha Ye-yes.
Typical! As long as she's beautiful, it doesn't matter to a man what she is inside.
They say chauvinism is dead.
Not here! It's not that I oppose alimony.
But we were never really married.
How can you say that, Evan?We were married for three years.
But you're gay.
You were never sexually attracted to me.
It's fraud.
These are the same argumentsmade at trial court.
You lost and nullification ---- We didn't lose.
They certified it to the court of appeals because they recognizedthat we may have a case.
All right.
Let's, let's not get off track.
You do not deny being gay? -No.
And, uh, forgive my intrusiveness.
You, you made love to him, even thoughyou were really attracted to women? Yes.
-And uh, a little three-some action -----Richard! I'm the one who got hurt,and I'm the one being asked to pay? -Evan, I tried to love you.
-Yeah, sure.
-Maybe if you were with the right guy -----Richard!! Look.
We offered you forty thousand.
And if that's your final offer,then I guess we go to appeals.
Tall, percent half-and-half, no-whip mocha.
It took me most of the day, but I've forgiven you.
-I'm glad.
I was concerned.
It was wrong for me to just kiss you like that.
But if given the opportunity,I think I could redeem myself.
H-how about you give me my drink,and I'll grant you redemption? Aren't you at least curious aboutwhy I'd want to go out with you? No.
It's always the wrong guys who hit on me.
And you feel comfortable just makingquick judgments about people? I feel comfortable with this one: Now, are you going to give me my drink,or do I have to call the manager? How about you call for the owner?Better yet, let him buy you dinner? -.
You own the store?-And three others.
Oh, that makes a difference?I'm not a majordomo anymore.
You might have to admit you prejudged me.
I admit it was wrong for me todump a cappuccino on your head -Mm-hm.
-The owner -- he should get chocolate.
Nelle dropped these off.
Your divorce papers.
She marked up a couple of things.
-Good night.
-Sandy? Nothing.
-Are you okay? Does it seem strange to have a marriage end so simple? -Couple of drafts, couple of signatures.
-It's all a little, uh If you need to talk You don't want to talk aboutwhat I'm dying to talk about, Sandy.
Maybe I'll meet you down at the bar.
-What?-I think it's no secret I'm, uh I'm attracted to you.
But it would be inappropriate.
You work for me.
Plus, it's still so soon --my breakup.
It's way too soon to.
And it'd be totally unfair for me to, uh It'd be stupid for you.
Oh, I'm not even presumingyou'd be interested.
But I go home every night to an empty place and,instead of missing Georgia, I miss you.
I even started putting up pictures of Ally,trying to miss her, but can't get my mind off you.
Sorry, I shouldn't have said that.
With a good lawyer, you could sue me.
But you did ask.
-It wouldn't be a good idea?-No it wouldn't.
The Sweenie interrogatories are done.
We just need Mrs.
Sweenie's signature.
-I'll call her.
The opinion letter for Jenny Marshal is right here.
-Sandy? Are we going to talk about it?-I'd rather not.
Why?-Because I think it was a mistake.
-It was only a kiss.
That -----Which I think was a mistake! -Okay.
Why?-I would have to be the biggest idiot in the world to get involved with you.
You're a card-carrying male chauvinist pig,who is my boss, coming off a divorce, going through some sort of midlife crisis.
It would be so dumb to let myself Would it be okay if we just pretend last night didn't happen? -Sure.
-Thank you.
I'll be right up-front about it:I have a fetish for lesbians.
It's the pioneer in me.
Uncharted territory ---- Richard, if you don't behave,I'm going to ask you to leave.
-Now, I'm nervous enough without your nonsense.
-You take the no-fault issues.
I will speak to privacy.
-Just relax.
You'll ---- All rise! I thought there were three judges.
There are.
They're just giving him a head start.
Uh who, who, wha-wha-what,what, what is he doing here? Hammond Dearing.
Don't let his youth fool you.
He can be prickly.
This court is now in session.
The Honorable Justices Greeves, Morisonand Dearing are presiding.
Be seated.
McBeal? Wow.
At long last I know your name.
For the record, I twice asked counselfor the petitioner out on a date, and she twice dumped espresso roast my head.
If the parties have a problem,let's address that first.
-Counsel, are you okay with me sitting?-Uh she dumped coffee on you? -That's correct.
-I'm okay with that.
McBeal? Mr.
Cage?-What about you? A-are you going to be biased? If I thought so, I'd recuse myself.
He is the most progressive of the three.
We definitely want him up there,given what we're asking for.
We're fine, Your Honor.
You're trying to vitiate a marriageon the grounds of fraud because the wife is gay.
Is that the question? Uh, yes, Your Honor.
Uh a marriage is a contract and, like any contract, there has to be a meeting of the minds.
Here, there clearly wasn't.
Uh, my client had no idea ---- You're saying a marriage contract containsthe implied promise of heterosexuality? Yes.
Uh, in fact, in some states,a marriage isn't even legal -until it is consummated [sexually.]
-----This isn't one of those states.
Certainly, if Evan Stevens knew that,that Lisa Treadway was a lesbian, he, he would not have ---- Is it possible Ms.
Treadway didn't considersexual attraction to be material to the marriage? Not material to the marriage? What if Ms.
Treadway was heterosexualbut she just wasn't attracted to your client? Should we declare that marriagea fraud and nullify it? Well aw um If a woman marries a manshe has no sexual interest in, and she doesn't tell him -- yes, I think it's fraud and I thinkthe marriage should be nullified.
You make no room for the possibilitythat there are couples who, even on their wedding day, are not terriblyinclined toward one another physically? -Well -We should annul all those unions? No, no no no no no no no no,uh, yes, o-of course, uh, well, we have couples.
F-f-for example, I'm sure that, when ugly people marry,they're not always physically drawn to each other, but they still want to get married,and if they can only find another ugly person I, I cannot believe that I am saying this.
Uh, uh, le-let me, um -go back.
-That'd be wise.
It is one thing for two people to get marriedto each other without any sexual interest.
Tha-tha-that's one thing.
But it is quite another when one of the would-be spousesconceals his or her sexual orientation.
That is just fraudulent.
So, I'm about to get married.
I have no interest sexually in my partner, and I marry her anywaybecause I love her with all my heart.
I think she'd make a wonderfulpartner and a great mother, and I take her for my wife.
That's okay? Yes.
If I'm heterosexual.
But if I'm gay,I'm not entitled to that same opportunity? You're twisting my words.
Well, why don't you untwist them? If you were gay and you toldyour fiance that you were gay, and you still both agreed toget married, that's fine.
But if you don't tell, that's fraud.
What if he or she were bisexual?Still a duty to disclose? Well, I um, I, I, well, yes.
So, you're suggesting to this court that, by marrying, a person should legally forfeitcertain rights to privacy? That's not what I'm saying.
You're either saying that, Ms.
McBeal,or you're confusing this court terribly.
You know, maybe you and I shouldstep out and get a cup of coffee.
How often did your client and his wifemake love prior to their marriage? Well, I certainly don't know.
Well, if sexual chemistry is materialto the validity of the union, shouldn't you know? -Look.
You know what I'm talking about.
-Uh Your Honor, if I may? No.
You may not.
Um,i-if a person goes down the aisle, the person that he or she is marryinghas the right to assume that he's straight.
And the gay person has a legal dutyto reveal his sexual preference? -Yes.
We understand your position.
Thank you.
Thomas, I don't thinkwe need to hear from you.
Do we? No.
The petitioner's motion to annulthe marriage is denied.
We're adjourned.
Excuse me!? First of all, what the hell is the deal youworking in a coffee shop? I told you -- I own it.
What? Does a barrister have a dutyto tell his customers he's a judge before forking over a cappuccino?I suppose I defrauded you.
The hostility in that remark alone tells me that you have bias in this case!And you, you ---- No, no, no.
The hostilitysuggests my impatience with motions brought by attorneyswhich are a waste of this court's time.
This is a no-fault state, Ms.
The very reason for whichis to preempt the courts from asking the very questionyou waltzed in here raising! No-fault goes to blaming people in a marriage.
This issue concerned whetherthere was a valid marriage to begin with.
And, though the questionmay be a waste of your time, it wasn't preempted by the legislature, Your Anus! I, I mean Honor.
-Spouses lie to each other all the time.
-Whether she is straight or gay is ---- Yes.
People marry for all kinds of reasons.
Some just companionship, some for tax benefits,some just to be co-parents.
The point is, the courts don'tget in there and ask why.
Legally, one takes the other for better or worse.
You evidently make the assumption gay is worse.
-Maybe you're right -----Uh, no! I do not make that assumption, you pig! -You're in contempt!-Oh, oh, gee.
That'll keep me up nights.
-Security! Show Ms.
McBeal to a jail cell.
-What? You can dump coffee on my headwhen I'm a civilian.
But in here, I'm a judge.
-A horrible one!-Take her away now.
-Sandy, hello.
-Hi, John.
-Is everything, um, okay?-What? Oh Sure.
Oh, there you are.
We're all going down to the bar.
-You want to come?-I can wait.
-Nelle, who, who was that who was just here?-Excuse me? -There was someone else just here.
Did you see her?-Oh, Billy's secretary.
Do you know her name? Yeah.
It's, uh Billy's secretary, hmm.
Oh, Elaine probably knows it.
Why? No, just curious.
Yeah, I'll,I'll meet you down at the bar.
To be so close and not get to touch I'm sure another lesbian will come along, sweetie.
-Did you know that Ally's in jail?-Hum a few bars.
-Dance?Oh, that's sweet.
But I'm busy this lifetime.
Maybe the next one? -Come on.
-Such a cruel joke God making two of them.
I can't pretend it didn't happen.
What are you looking for, Billy?Pretty smile with no complications? Maybe I'm just looking for a dance --I admit it's possible.
Maybe I'm just looking to be adored a little.
If I was your brother or your best friend, I'd give you a hundred reasons not to dancewith the guy sitting across from you.
As the guy sitting across from you,dance with me.
Good night, Billy.
Ughh Aw well, gee.
An apology gets you out.
I am deeply sorrythat you're such an ass! -Let me in.
-So, what do you want now? You really didn't have any legal meritto your case, okay? -I think you know that.
-That doesn't mean I should be jailed.
You're in jail for calling me a horrible pig.
I called you a horrible judge.
You're an ordinary pig.
Wh-wh-wha-what is with this,this coffee thing, anyway? It's my only opportunity to interactwith the people on the street.
Sitting on the appeals court,all I see are lawyers dressed in their little designer outfits.
You know, as a judge, you should know better than to commit a sexual assaultagainst somebody.
I shouldn't have kissed you.
I'm sorry.
And I did apologize.
Wh-wh-wh-what were you thinking? Well, only that you seemed vile,I still had a trace of the flu, and perhaps I could get you sick.
Okay, Ally, look.
We could sit heretrading shots all night.
-Hmm, you would lose.
-Well, p-perhaps.
Or ---- -I am not getting dinner with you.
-I can't get dinner, actually.
I did have that flu last week and got my staff sick,and I'm short on personnel.
I'm sentencing you to community service.
I need you to make espressos tonight.
Uh uh, y-y-you know,you can't make me do that.
-But I can ask.
-Mm -Come on.
You might enjoy it.
-Mm-mm-hm -I thought you're coming down.
-I am.
Well, could you speed it up?I'm getting hit on left and right.
It's tiresome.
-Well, not by any janitors, I hope.
-What's going on with you? Is there a problem? -You're an elitist, Nelle.
-And? -And it bothers me that you draw class distinctions.
-Oh, please -Well, why wouldn't you date a janitor-Because I prefer men who have ambition.
-And janitors don't?-Well, maybe they do, but the ones I've met ---- F-f-f-f Well, name three you've met.
Hey, look.
I don't see you chasingafter shoeshine girls or ---- Well, I have no problem with a shoeshine girl.
If she were cute.
So, does that make you better? You don't draw class distinctionsif she's a looker? -Well, aren't you the open-minded one.
I give all people respect.
But I got it from you immediately,before even saying hello.
Not because I was a lawyer, or educated.
It had more to do with my beingbeautiful and your wanting to have sex! -No! Tha-tha-tha-that -You're a hypocrite, John.
Men make class distinctions all the time.
They just go to body parts.
And you think that basing them on on economic status and, and job title? Makes a hell of a lot more sense -- yes.
Uh, uh well uh, Sandy.
Okay?You, you didn't even know her name.
Sandy who? Well, exactly! Billy's secretary.
You didn't even know her name.
And you probably wouldn't either,if she weren't so pretty.
And maybe if I weren't a senior partner,a man with money ---- But you are, John.
I fell for your package, you fell for mine.
The packaging counted.
Why should we apologize for it? -You should apologize for it.
-Well, I don't.
I don't.
Uh, dollar twenty-five, please.
Thank you.
Triple-shot, tall, percent, no-whip,half-and-half, semi-dry latte, -double-cap, ==.
-Um W-w-w-w-wait, wait, wait, You, you can't just bark it out like that.
Ju-just, s-s-s-slow down.
-Tall black coffee.
-Oh oh, that's funny.
-Ha ha.
-Now, now, there.
Now, that looks good on you.
Well, I'll leave it, then.
Thank you.
Um, may I help you, ma'am? -Ally?-Sandy! -What are you doing back there?-Uh, uh, long story.
Crazy judge.
Wh-wh-wh-what can I, uh, get for you?-Uh, just a decaf, small.
You don't exactly seem likeyour perky self.
What's wrong? -A guy?-A guy.
-Hmm, tell me.
-Just coming off a divorce I like him, but I don't want to behis rebound relationship, which ---- You think you would be.
Wh-wh-wh-what does he say? Oh, he says he actually says all the right things.
-Well, you, you love him?-I like him.
I could maybe -Hm -It's Billy.
Y oh.
Uh, well, he's, well,Bill-Billy? He's um B-Billy? -I'm out of my mind.
-Well, the thing is that he seems to be out of his.
I'm, am a friend of Georgia's.
E-even though I realize that it's over .
I, I'm the last person in the worldto give anybody advice about love or well, anything.
But I do know two things.
Well, three, actually.
Um, first, under the bleached head,he's one of the greatest guys I've ever met.
Second, being loved by him or loving him,it's, uh, pretty special.
And third, if he's even a "maybe,"you got to check it out.
'Cause guys who could be right or,or even remotely could be "the one, " they don't come along often, if ever.
John? John! That's your angry dance.
And I can explain that, Richard.
I'M ANGRY!!! -Oh, well, uh uh what's wrong?-Nelle is a rich, bitch, elitist snob! You know she actually considers itbeneath her to date a janitor? I mean, how do I even go homeat night to a woman like that? -Well, there could be worse things.
-Like what? Well, y-you could go home to find her with a janitor.
-Oh, balls!-John, it's a good thing.
Most women, when they get married,they want that big, big house; and the husband has to work, work, workto be able to build her that big, big, big house; and while he's working, she gets lonelyand shtups the contractor.
Circle of life John.
You're better off with Nelle.
-Do you mean that?-Let, let me tell you.
The little jingle aside, all men are not created equal.
Some are big and strong, some are short and fat, some are clever, some are strange,some are handsome, some aren't.
And for those non-handsome,short, strange little men -- I think we know who we're talking about, John -- he needs an equalizer.
The equalizer is money.
Let me say it again -- Money.
Let's go for a trilogy -- Money.
You, you're afunny, little man with money.
And Nelle loves money.
Instead of condemning her for her values, you, you, you should be grateful.
Otherwise,what chance on this earth do you stand of getting her? Thank you, Richard.
As always,your perspective is refreshing.
I-i-it's, it's better than practicing law! You, you, you just give your client a cup of coffee and, -and he walks away.
-Satisfied! A-and the most fulfilling part is,I look very good in an apron.
-Yes, you do!-What about you? Uh in an apron? Well, you seem happier in itthan you do in the robe.
Well, the robe has its perks.
This is me.
I'd invite you infor a cup of coffee, but You'd dump it on my head.
There's the chance.
Is there any possibilityI could get a real date out of all this? -There's a pos-si-bili-ty.
-Tomorrow night? I'd have to check.
I kind of date a lot.
Tomorrow night would probably work.
Good night, Hammond.
-Good night.
This isn't a kiss.
-This would just be a polite peck good-night.
-Well, tha-that was very courteous.
Ally? Your case -- did you really believeall that stuff you were saying? Actually, yeah.
Why? Well, in the spirit of honesty, then,I guess I should tell you.
I'm bisexual.
-What are you going to do?-I don't know.
This is worse than the last one.
He just turned out to be homeless.
-W-would you date a bisexual man?-Yes.
So, why are you seeing this as such a crisis? Well, I'm trying to look at it through your eyes.
-When are you going to see him again?-Mmm, tonight.
Are you sure you didn't agree tomeet with him sooner? It would explain why he's here.
-Hammond! Bi! Hi! Hello!-I couldn't sleep.
Can we talk? Sure.
Elaine! I know it might seem inappropriate for meto stay and listen, but just this once -Elaine!-Fine.
Why couldn't you sleep? I kept seeing your face.
You looked a little thrown.
Well, I, I was probably just, um Well, I, I'm so sick and tired of, of guys at the end of a date telling methat they're bisexual.
It gets old.
And now you're covering.
-I, I was thrown.
-Does my disclosure make a difference?-Yes.
-Why?-Well, um The truth is, I, I don't actually date, Hammond.
I mean, not for the fun of it, anyway.
I,I more like audition potential husbands.
And, and if I don't see any potential in it,I, I don't waste my time.
And you see no potential in mebecause I'm bisexual? -Yes.
-Well, which brings me back to "why?" I suppose I associate a lifestyle ofpromiscuity with bisexuality.
It may not be fair, but I do.
I suppose I'm, I'm insecure that a bisexual man has sexual needsthat I can't fulfill.
I I suppose I'd like to think of my husbandtaking my son to a ball game and, and not having to worry whetherdaddy is checking out the pitcher's glutes.
I, I suppose I'm, I'm nervous about my kids being teased because of their father's sexual I suppose I'm, I'm worried about diseases.
I suppose, in the end, I'm far morehomophobic than I ever imagined.
-May I respond?-Go ahead.
As for your concern over promiscuity -- when any person gets married,he or she pledges fidelity.
For you to assume a bisexual person isless able to be monogamous -- that is a prejudice.
As fortaking my son to a ball game -- well, if your straight husband took your daughterto a women's basketball game, and you were concerned about daddychecking out the point guard's glutes; you'd have issues to work onwith your husband, straight or not.
As for your fears of your kids being teased --that's cowardice.
Your fears of disease --ignorance, bias, take your pick.
As for your all too comfortable resignationto being homophobic without the will to root out the whyor the compulsion to address it -- that's as sad as it is inexcusable.
You make for a great judge, Hammond.
And a good guy.
Bu-bu-but the only thing that isreally relevant in this discussion is that I don't want to go out with you.
-Do you really want to try this?-Sandy, I'm beginning to think you're crazy.
-Do you really want to try this?-You know I do.
There have to be ground rules.
No physical contact in this office.
-No flirting, no unprofessional behavior, -and no sudden expectations of me doing your laundry.
-I would never.
-No lying.
If there's any relapse with Georgia -----That won't happen.
-No physical contact in this office.
-You said that once.
-No Palmer girls.
-Already gone.
No contact, unprofessional Sandy, I would do nothing to jeopardizeyour job or carreer.
I, uh, respect -Uh, peh-eh, peh-eh, er -Excellent.
She'll sue.
It's already out in the open.
Nelle, hi.
How's it going?Met any cute custodians lately? -Kidding.
Ally, everything okay?-Fine.
Look, uh I might be a little off base here,but, uh I don't know, it it seems in court there mayhave been some chemistry between you and one of those judges.
A-and looking at you now, I, I can't help but wonder it --is he bi? Elaine hinted.
I think my fear came from ignorance, Richard.
Ally, the thing you have to remember: Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorcebecause men cheat.
Fifty percent of married men cheat? Oh, no, no, no, no.
Uh, fifty percent get caught.
What I'm trying to say is, men have urges.
They're victims of their urges.
Imagine if Clinton were bi, it could have beenLinda Tripp under that desk.
That isn't funny, Richard.
My point is,what are your odds with this guy? -He wants to sleep with everything.
-That is the same bigotry I was guilty of.
I, I let my fears just take me over and and now a good man is gone.
Well, well, if you feel that way Is it too late? -No.
No, Richard.
It it isn't.
It isn't.
Can I talk to you? Actually, I'm cleaning up my office at the moment, which I assume would be a turnoff to you.
Will you drop this janitor crap? I can't drop it.
You're a stuck-up,intolerant snob, Nelle.
Why don't you just admit it? John, have you any clueas to how weird you are? -Look at this.
---Oh, and how about this one? Look what I put up with.
I date a man who has remotes fortoilets, my shoes, my hairpins; who can't make love to meunless he pretends he's Barry White.
His nose whistles.
And what?You now accuse me of not being tolerant? Would you date me if I didn't have money? Of course.
But would I have beenas attracted to you if you weren't successful?Quite possibly no.
And that's what troubles me.
Well, then, you're a dweeb.
Uh did you say "dweeb"? When you were in high school,the girls would laugh at you -- John, you've told me yourself.
The guys would pick on you, and the girls would giggle on you.
You'd say to yourself, "One day they'll see, one day I'll berich and successful, they'll like me then!" And what happens? You go out and you become rich and successful,and everybody likes you.
And you can't handle it! If you want people to embrace who you used to be, then,why don't you go back to being the dweeb you were in high school? I can jump up and down if I want! Did you come to dump coffee on my head? No.
No, I, I came Hh.
Well,I've been rethinking and, uh -And?-And, um I agree that I am completely guilty of bigotry and -And?-And uh I just can't get by it.
I realize that it's my loss,but I just I can't get by it.
Last night, I heard you advise a woman: "If, if a guy could even remotely be the one,how can you not check it out?" I know.
But, um But sometimes prejudice wins out -Is that what you came to tell me?-No.
I guess I came to say goodbye.

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