Ally Mcbeal s03e14 Episode Script

The Oddball Parade

¢Ü Something on my mind,won't somebody please Please tell me what's wrong? You're just a fool, you know you're in love You got to face it to live in this world You take the good along with the bad Sometimes you're happy,and sometimes you're sad You know you love him,you can't understand Why he treats you like he dowhen he's such a good man! He's got me smiling, I should be ashamed Got me laughing when my heart is in pain -She's playing already?-I told you.
Well, do you think it's too late to enter the contest? The contest isn't till Thursday, Ally.
Well, there's going to be a cutoff, Elaine.
-Not everybody's going to get a chance to, to enter.
-We'll get in.
D-do you think it is undignified for a lawyerto enter in an Ikette contest? -They're not called Ikettes anymore.
-You know what I mean.
Really, Elaine, a-assuming I get the chance, do you thinkI'll look silly or embarrass the firm? Why don't you ask our senior partners? -Look at her.
Tina Turner.
You know, out of all the celebrities in the world,Tina Turner, she's the one I think I'm most like.
-I saw that!-No.
It's, it's just when I first met you, that's exactly what I thought.
I said to myself: "My god, it's Tina Turner!" -Okay.
-Hah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah We got in? Only forty-two entered.
Everybody got in! What's going on? Elaine and I are in the contest to be Ikettes, They're really not Ikettes becausethere's no Ike anymore -- at least no "Ike and Tina.
" But there is a Tina,and as part of promoting her new record Breathe.
They're having this contest,and Elaine and I are in! Which means we may meet her.
I will meet Tina Turner! Which, you know, I've wanted to dosince the first day I sniffed your butt and decided you were the man for me -of course,your ass doesn't smell so good to me anymore Breathe.
But Tina Turner is still Tina Turner,and I might finally get to meet her.
Hah -Richard.
I'm fraught.
We have a very difficult case aheadin front of Judge Walsh.
Judge Walsh doesn't like you.
It upsets him when your lips moveand when words emerge from them.
-What's your point, John?-My point is, given the aberrant nature of some of our clients,we don't need things compounded with Fishisms.
Oh, John.
I think we all agree I,I've grown considerably as a trial lawyer.
I can really feel my oats in there now.
And what I'm saying is we need you tokeep your oats to yourself on this one.
I'm ready.
Off we go! They evidently call us out by number.
We have twenty seconds on stage,and that's it, they call out the next number.
-How many contestants did you say?-Forty-two.
Yes? I just want to thank you.
what you said.
-You know, about You were totally right.
-Oh! .
y-you and Billy, you're, you're together? -Seems so.
-Well, that's ---- -Ally.
-Hi, Billy.
What's new? Can I steal you a second? -In the spirit of friendship and candor.
-What? Well, this contest to beTina Turner's backup singer.
-I can understand Elaine entering, but you?-Why not me? You know, there's going to bea lot of people going there -who know that you work here -----Oh, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't tell me that you're going to start inwith a firm reputation speech -- not after everything you've been doing! I've been acting crazy, acting out.
I admit it.
Are you? Nice! Rain on the one parade I get? Now, I, I can't even believe that you I mean,look at you, running around with your secretary.
What is she? Nineteen? You were the one who obviouslytold her to pursue this.
Now ---- I told her to pursue love.
Now, I, I'm not saying thatit's crazy for her to fall for you, though it probably is.
I'm talkingabout you going for her.
-W-w-what is she, nineteen?-She's twenty-five and she's a good woman! -Yippee! Is that all?-That's all.
Oh, oh, oh, and in the continued spirit ofour candor, I can see your roots.
-I just feel natural in a dress.
It's the real me.
-Well, how is it the "real you," sir? Puts me in touch with my feminine side.
I feel soft, supple.
Now, Mr.
Schoefield terminated your employmentbecause of how you dress? Yes.
He did.
He said I had to startwearing suits, or else I'd be ---- Your Honor, may I remind the court thatMr.
Potts suffers from a compulsive disorder -that makes him clap his hands on occasion.
-Carry on.
Well, Mr.
Vault, why not just wear the suit,if it'll keep your employment? Deep down, ever since I was twelveyears old, I've known.
-You've known what, sir?-That I'm a woman.
trapped in a man's body.
Finally, I went to a doctor.
He tells me thatI have a fetish for wearing women's clothes.
You see, this here is a medical thing.
Did you tell Mr.
Schoefieldthis was a medical condition? Yes, I did.
And he fired me anyway.
Vault, this is a graphics design company.
So, potential clients come by the officeto check the place out.
That, that happens pretty regularly.
-Does it not?-Yes.
-And do these customers ever stare at you?-Not for long, they don't.
Once it gets going,it takes on a life of its own.
Uh, are you sure that youshould be in this contest? -Why shouldn't I?-Well well, the, the truth is, Elaine, you you're more Liza Minnellithan Tina Turner.
-And I, I don't know if this What?-I'll practice someplace else.
There's nothing wrong with Liza Minnelli!What do you want? Look.
I'm sorry.
I had no reasonto criticize you.
I'm sorry.
And I apologize for picking onyour teenager friend.
-Does it bother you.
me and Sandy?-Aw, no! I am so sure.
A little.
Uhnn, don't get me wrong,I, I am, I am so over you, but Hhh.
Every time you're with somebody else,I I feel a pinch.
-Do you?-A little.
Well, Elaine's practicing, so I'd better.
She, she is going to be really hard to beat.
-Don't you find this contest a little silly?-Mm, hmm.
I've become a big fan of silly.
I remember a few years ago,you lost the bet to Renee, and you had to get up on stage at the barand tell a joke, you were mortified, terrified.
And now, you're going to get up thereand try to shake like Tina Turner.
A few years ago, I didn't have the need.
I put on these suits everyday,go to work with my brief case, living my little life as a working professional.
Now, it.
it'd be nice to.
I don't know, to -Escape your life.
-Isn't that what you're doing with Sandy? -Why are you looking at me that way?-Well, every once in a while, I.
I get a hit, -I look at you sometimes, and it hits me that ---Duck.
I clap my hands and I clean.
I like to clean, clean.
And I repeat words, as you can see,usually three times.
It's a disorder, but it doesn'taffect my job, job, job.
And when Mr.
Schoefield, uh, fired you,did he give you a reason, reason? Reason! Reason! Sorry, when somebodyelse repeats a word, it makes me do it.
Uh, my fault.
Now, eh, eh,what did Mr.
Schoefield, uh, tell you? He said I was disruptive.
He said I made the clients nervous, nervousbecause when I clap, clap, clap, clap Sometimes, I repeat four times when inconjuction with a clap and I can't say the word, word, word without doing it.
He said my applauding made them nervous.
But it never affected the job, mm, job, job.
Sometimes, I also alternate.
I'm sorry, could you repeat your answer? Just kidding.
how you doing, Judge, uh, Mr.
Potts, did the clapping Y-yes.
Did the applaudes or the, uh, the repeating words or the cleaning,did it ever affect how you do your job? No.
I draw pictures, I design.
My design work was nevera subject of criticism.
-What do you mean, you're not going to do it?-It's just, a-as it gets closer, it feels Ally.
Tina Turner, you've beenwanting to meet her all ---- Well, maybe somebody will wist an ankle,and I'll get to sue her, meet her in a deposition.
-That's a more appropriate forum.
-Ally -I am an attorney, Elaine.
I should act like one.
-Billy, tell her.
-You should dance.
Convince her.
It's silly.
It it reflects badly on the firm.
And you want to do it.
A very wise woman told me last year: "Better to regret the things you dothan the things you don't.
do" What's in there? -I want to dance.
-Then, dance.
-How long we got to wait like this?-They said they'd be right in.
-You look very nice.
-Thank you.
I, I can't believe they're talking settlement,before I testify.
Oh, well, maybe they're saving you for cleanup.
You know, you don't need to beso sarcastic, Matthew, especially after your menacing testimony! -Stop it, you two!-All right All right.
They've upped the offerto seventy-five apiece.
Can I be honest? -No! Lie to us, you little bug!-Bug, bug, bur.
Uh, Matthew, that wasn't necessary.
Wa-was it? -I think you should tell him you're sorry.
-What? -I'm sorry, John.
-No, it's Y-uh, uh, the, the thing is, uh,Paul's testimony ---- Yes.
Uh, you came off as a wackadoo.
A, a, nice one, but ---- -Richard! Seventy-five is something.
-We spent years there.
We devoted our lives, we're supposed to walk awayfor seventy-five because we're What did you call us?Wackadoos.
Nice ones.
Cage, it's not like we have familiesor even well-rounded lives.
Our lives were our jobs, and our families,well the people we worked with.
Well no, I understand.
I-if you want us to continue the fight -I believe we do.
Let's go.
Look, John.
I'm sorry forcalling you a little bug.
Oh, it's, it's all right, Matthew.
I know you're frustrated.
-It's it's just that ever since the parade -What what parade? Well, Fourth of July.
The Parade.
Lots of businesses sponsored floatsand stuff, the employees marched along.
Schoefield Design was in it.
But Mindy, Paul, Benny and me -- -we weren't allowed to march.
Kind of hurt.
-And the other employees? They all marched.
But Mr.
Schoefielddidn't want the public seeing us.
If you think we should settle,I could probably talk the others into going along.
You don't need to settle, Matthew.
Let's get back into court.
We started out, and it was all about the work.
Logos, designs, computer graphics.
-Well, what happened then, Mindy?-Well, the company started getting successful, and Mr.
Schoefield brought in new clients,and the company was growing.
And three months ago, he called us inand said it wasn't working out.
-What wasn't working out?-Us.
Uh, we weren't working out.
Did he say why? He said we weren't commensuratewith Schoefield Design's image.
It had nothing to do with our craft.
It was because the clients thoughtwe were weirdos.
No, o-objection to the term "weirdos,"Judge, move for costs! -Your own witness said it.
-Who said it doesn't matter! The fact that it's said at all,that it, that it's tolerated.
That's why we're here -- because it's,it's okay to laugh at the oddballs, -it is okay to, to fire them, even -----Mr.
Fish! Did Mr.
Schoefield ever give youany warning this was coming? None.
And that's not right.
We helped build that company.
Because of us, clients startedcoming through the door.
And we got fired becausehe didn't want us to be seen.
It's just not right.
Winter, wasn't one of your job functionsto build and expand the client base? Yes.
-Had you done that, sir?-I would have.
-You hadn't done it yet?-No.
Now, i-in fact, once the company moved intothe larger offices and increased its overhead, Mr.
Schoefield made it clear that it was necessaryfor the designers to cultivate new business.
-Didn't he?-Yes.
And the four of you were unable to do that.
Isn't that right, Mr.
Winter? -That part of the job was new to us.
-And you weren't able to do it? -In time, we would have.
-In time, you would have.
Aren't you supposed to be in costume? Don't have to.
I figured everybody elsewould dress up, so ---- Okay.
Here's how this goes.
You all got numbers.
You hear your number, get your ass up here.
You got twenty seconds to show us something.
Miss Turner's sitting over there.
She'll pick the winner.
Do not approach Miss Turner.
You do that,you get disqualified.
Do not go near the lady.
This is an assault against all of us, really.
Massachusettes is an ugly state --all of New England.
Hello! Ever been to a Patriots game?The girls get huge in winter.
-Rrrichard !?-Uh, the jury might hear this.
I don't want them to hear it! Boston terrier, named after the peoplewho live here, Bowwow City.
We can't just sit back and letthe funny-looking people get trampled on! -That's great, Richard.
That's, that's just splendid.
-But public opinion counts! -Yes, and now, it'll be against us!-I was great! -You were absurrrd!-John? What what's eating you? Well, i-is this case hittinga little too close to home? -Meaning?-Well Let's face it.
You have a special place in your heartfor oddballs on account of you being one.
Richard, please don't talk!Can you do that? Can you not talk? I can try.
Whoops, seems I can't.
Let's not be late for the show.
This could get brutal.
Elaine, what number are you? -Twenty-six.
-Ally? -Uh uh, twenty-seven.
-I'm bored.
-Try to cope, Ling!-Grrrrr! -Number Eleven!-Aaaahhh! -Ling!-It was an accident.
Number twenty-six! I'll bet she's an amazing rattle.
-Go, get them, Ally!-Break your leg.
All right.
We have the decision.
Joining the backup vocalists tomorrow night, the winner of the competition --number twenty-seven, Ally McBeal ! -You did it!-Oh my god.
Oh my god.
-You believe this?-Where did they come from? Out of the woodwork.
They saw mein the news last night.
They're here in support.
-Are you sure they're for us?-Uh-uh, they are.
They've been well-wishing me!Check out, over there.
Cousin it.
-All rise!-Mmm.
-Elaine, you were fantastic.
-But you were better.
I, I just -----I'm okay with it, Ally.
Clearly, you're not.
You know, th-th-they,they could've picked any number of women.
But they picked you.
Like always, it was you.
A-are you more disappointedthat you didn't win or that I did? Both.
I admit it.
Look, Ally,I need to believe that I'm better at some things than you.
Dancing was one of them.
Oh, Elaine.
y-you're just,you're not.
That was a joke.
I'll be cheering for you tonight,I promise.
-Something you wanted, Ling?-No.
Just to say congratulationnns.
I liked them all.
They were good workers.
But the company changed.
-How so?-Well, we used to be a little mom-and-pop shop.
All the work went on behind closed doors.
And, then, with the new office--it was one big room all the design work was done in the open.
And we'd bring clients in,they'd see it all in progress, and they'd meet our artist.
Well,these people, they'd alienate clients.
-How did they alienate clients?-Well, Paul's clapping his hands all day.
And Mindy is obese, and some peopleunfortunately associate that with laziness.
Uh, Benny's face scares children,and Matthew's in a dress.
I had clients looking around, thinking thatit was some kind of halfway home.
I, I can show you statistically thatonce I brought these people out in the open, -well, I started losing business.
-But do you think it's fair just to fire them? No, I never said it was fair.
But I have to be allowed to make my company competitive.
I shouldn't be forced to be handicapped.
And it is my company.
Don't I get rights? It's my company.
So, just fired them? Never mindyears of company service.
They look like oddballs.
Just fire the bastards! Objection.
Withdrawn! Don't you consider it prejudiceto judge somebody on looks? I wasn't doing it.
The clients were.
Well, how do you not foster that bigotrywhen you respond to it in this way? -Hey!-Oh, who cares? Ever think eccentricitycould be a selling point? It goes with distinction, individualism ---- Is that what I'm supposed to say? -- "Look at the distinctive defensetackle wearing the dress"? That's a fetish, Mr.
Schoefield!A transvestite fetish.
That is a mental disorder.
As is Mr.
Potts' compulsive clapping! Do you have any idea how hard it isto survive in today's marketplace? -Well, so, just broom the freaks!-Objection! Clients make quick decisions, Mr.
They choose companies thatinstill them with confidence.
And those four people, wonderfulas they are, they couldn't do it.
And as president of my companyI have a responsibility.
-Did any of their design work ever fall below?-It isn't always about product.
It's about selling.
That's business, Mr.
Selling! Selling! Selling! Selling! Selling! Selling! -Oh god -And they couldn't do it.
-Because they were oddballs!-You said that.
Not me.
-Called me ugly? You chewed him out!-Matthew, he is the defendant! But you didn't have to getall nasty on him like that! -I I had to cross-examine -----You rabid little bulldog! -I had to Eh, e-excuse me?-You were a little vicious, John.
-If the jury ==.
-That's the man we're suing! -Sue, sue, sue!-But you're still ---- Oh, pipe down, Paul! -All right! Now, come on.
Group hug.
-Oh, balls! Group hug? Don't you people dare tell mehow to try this case! That man is the defendant!If I don't get him, we don't win! Could you all, uh Could youexcuse us? Just one, one minute.
-What's was that, John?-Just trying to win the damn case, that's all.
Yes you are, yes you are.
When it comes to trying cases, there's nobody more unflappablethan you are in the courtroom.
Hey, I was under control in there.
You yelled at Paul to pipe down.
He's got OCD, John, and you yelled at him.
He's probably out there clapping nowrepeating himself to the fat one.
Well, it's a shameI don't have your sensitivity, Richard.
What's wrong? What, really? It's this case, you know.
I told you I was fraught.
-I am still fraught.
The case has me -Fraught.
-Shall I close?-No.
I was just hoping that I could actuallyget to meet Ms.
You just sing the lyrics, sweetheart.
The girls will help you.
Well, I know.
But I, but I thought thatI could just say hello first.
I mean, I, I, I just feel th-thatshe and I have so much in common.
If you do get to speak, darling,don't be telling her that.
-Well, what about rehearsal? Are, aren't we -----You rehearsed with the girls.
-I know, but I'm singing backup for her.
-Honey, you're ---- -I won the contest.
I should get to meet her !!!-Okay, let's get this show rolling, everybody! Hi.
Hi, hi, Miss Turner.
Hi, I'm, I'm Ally McBeal.
-It is such an honor to -Sweet.
-To, to meet you -How was it? Hey.
I'm sorry, I only know youas Number Twenty-Six.
Elaine Vassal.
Tell somebody who cares.
Between me and you, the lady, Miss Turner,she don't [sic.]
like to get shown up.
-You know what I'm saying?-Actually, no.
You were the best dancerlast night.
But too good.
The lady don't like to get shown up.
That's between you and me.
-You clear?-Yes, ma'am.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Tina Turner! Sixty years old.
What do you think?Wattlectomy? -Shh.
-Uh, wh-where's Ally? -Ally, Great.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Ally, you were so good!-Fine.
-I don't want to talk about it.
-Did you meet her? How ---- I said I don't want to talk about it!And you talk about it.
Now, what part of I don't want totalk about it do you not understand? Ally, it's about you --your favorite subject.
What's the matter? Oh, what? Now I have an obligation to you, too?You're the last person I want to talk to, trust me! One night and she's a diva.
When I was a boy, I had a group of buddiesand we would do everything together.
When we were nine, we even did that,uh, blood brother thing.
Remember where you'd cut your arm a littleand kind of rub it on each other? ==.
Kids don't do it today, I suspect.
Well,I mean, who knows what you can catch? But, um, when we were twelve andtree houses gave way to movies, and by the time we were fourteen, it was girls.
And at fourteen, it became important to be "cool.
" Well, I, I wasn't.
I had a kind of a funny little face,and my mother dressed me in cardigans and sweaters, and I stuttered and Well, I, I wasn't cool, at all.
And my friends just kind of drifted away.
They didn't turn on me, they just.
Well, I mean, they got invited to the parties and I didn't.
They were popular with the girls, I wasn't.
And one day, they were just == gone.
You know, I didn't let anybody seeme cry, but, uh, I did, I did cry.
Yeah, it's, it's tough being a kid.
Kids can be cruel.
How wonderful it was to becomean adult, to foray into a world where people don't discriminate on looks.
Adults don't pick on the disenfranchised.
Grown-ups judge each other on character.
And when you a get job, you're appraisedon the quality of your work.
Adults are tolerant.
And all thebullying and the ridicule, the nonsense that a child might have toput up with simply for being funny-looking, thank god, that goes away when you grow up.
You enter the Land of Opportunity.
Well, I, I feel indebted to Mr.
Because of him, these four peoplehave come into my life.
Matthew Vault, Mindy Platt, Benjamin Winter, Paul Potts.
Like Mr.
Schoefield testified to,wonderful people.
Like Mr.
Schoefield testified to,excellent graphic design artists.
Now, kids picked on them all their lives,I bet.
'Cause children will do that.
But how lucky 'cause they now livein the world of adults -- a world where bigotry simply doesn't exist; a world where people, all peoplehave the right to work; where people, if they do their jobs well,don't get fired! It is the Land of Opportunity.
Which means that every kid candream of growing up and maybe one day starting his or her own company;and hire the people you think will best serve that company, fire the ones you think don't.
The graphics design business isabout presentation.
Yes, it used to be solely aboutpresenting the finished product.
And then, whatever was "hip"or "trendy" or "cool" If you will.
That's what sold.
It still does.
But today,clients don't just look at portfolios.
They visit studios.
They want to seewho's doing the designing.
They want to be impressed thatthe designers themselves are cool.
Your Honor, th-this is boring.
These four people were unable tocultivate new business.
It's as simple as that.
Was it the dress,the weight, the face, the clapping? We don't know.
All we know is thatthey weren't satisfactorily expanding the client base at Schoefield Design.
If they were, do we really think Mr.
Schoefield would have fired them?Do we really? -What?-Can I help? No! Nghh! Ngphh, uphh, uhhh! Ally? This is the problem withhaving a night like last night, where you get to pretendto be somebody else.
-It is?-Yes.
Next day, you go back to beingwhat you really are.
And it's devastating.
-Are you crazy?-Yes!!! -My hair -What's going on? Oh, could you just go away, please! -Ally?-I said go away! What are you going to do?Hit me, too? -I saw you last night.
-So? I saw ten of you and and then,I saw twenty of you and and then, the whole room was you.
It was awful.
-The whole room was me?-Uh yes.
-Why?-I don't knowww! That's why I'm so upset! Th-that's why I'm banging down stall doors! And the, the last thing I want to befantasizing about is you! -Talk about regressing!-That was a putdown.
Well, the, the lyrics of the song about,about anger and.
and heartache, and.
-and your face.
Huh, yuh, I, I don't know why -Are you still angry? Well, I didn't think so, but.
I don't know, -maybe I am.
-Over? Wh-why do I have to do all the analysis?Why, why can't you ---- You have already done it!What are you angry over? Maybe because you left me again! And we broke up as a couple.
Which I'm fine with, relieved with.
Actually, when I think about what Well, we rode it out,and we settled in as friends, which was important to me.
And, and now, we're not even friends anymore.
-That's not my fault.
-It is your fault! -You went off and became the new Billy!-Who, you rejected! W-well, how couldn't I?You were a massive dope! Your, your, your, your head.
Your, your ridiculous Billy Girls.
An-and an-and your malesensitivity classes, and now you're trying tomount your secretary.
I mean, how could I be your friend? An-and then, now, the way,the way that you can still see in me.
And how you knew I wanted to dance, and I so want your friendship back.
-I so m, I I I so miss it.
-Then, let's get it back.
-Hm How?-We can just start talking again.
Well, it isn't that simple, Billy, okay? -You can't just -----It can be, if we try.
What's new? Just this last month what's beengoing on in your life? Well I met this fantastic guy.
Well, he turned out to be a paranoidschizophrenic and homeless.
Dumped him.
Met another great guy who laughed like a cow.
Dumped him.
And then, this fabulous guy.
Dumped him.
And last night, I sang with Tina Turner.
Well, that's a start.
Maybe we cango out for drinks later, and -And you could tell me about Sandy.
-I could tell you about Sandy.
-You like her?-I do.
My friendship with you.
it's everything.
I'm sorry I've gone off the way I have.
-Are you back?-I'm back.
Members of the jury,you've reached your verdict? -We have, Your Honor.
-What say you? In the matter of Vault et al.
Schoefield Design, on the charge of wrongful termination,we find in favor of the defendant.
Mother! This concludes your service.
You're dismissed.
This matter is adjourned.
I'm sorry.
Oh, listen, we're sorry.
I-if we'd settled,you would have got your contingency.
-Well, I'm not here for the money, Mr.
-Uh, that would be me.
You know, you people fought for yourself,and then, I was proud to fight with you.
Uh, excuse me, people.
You know, sometimes, there istriumph in the battle alone.
There will be a victory paradeimmediately following, starting in front of the courthouse.
And I invite you all to join.
-John -What you doing? -It's time you were in a parade.
-W-we got no band.
We have no band, we have no permits.
Uh, well, we just have to supplythe music ourselves.
-How do we do that?-Well, uh Paul, give us a beat.
And just keep going.
I need you to think, people.
When you hear the music in your head,wave your arms.
Okay, feel it.
You need to feel it!
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