Ally Mcbeal s05e04 Episode Script

- Sorry.
Are you okay? - My fault.
Perfectly fine.
- Why are you talking like that? - Like what? - Clipped.
- Clipped? You've been talking clipped.
- I'm late for a meeting, that's all.
- Sorry for keeping you.
- Fine, then.
- Clipped.
- I was late to a staff meeting.
- Sorry.
Me too.
You know, this "keeping our distance" stuff isn't working.
- It's making it worse.
- Then let's just knock.
- It off.
- It would be best.
- Let's go.
When I say go, you go.
- Where? To the conference room.
I don't wanna walk in together.
- Makes sense.
- What are you waiting for? - You didn't say go.
- Glenn! I'm on my way.
I've been down this road Fear of Flirting Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That Ijust can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Yeah, now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To fiind my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Okay, first up.
Anybody seen the Biscuit? Yeah, bygones.
Next up, Warner v.
Milbury, Goldman and Burns.
Mine.
Raymond's being sued for sexual harassment.
Big shock.
- But he's hired me to defend him.
- The firm that fired you hired you? Don't ask me.
Why are you two not looking at each other? What? Move along.
Next up.
Ticktock.
It's Capelini v.
Bugle.
Richard, could I see you for one second? - What? Now? - It's important.
What's up? - Oh, nothing.
- You just cut off a staff meeting.
I was just thinking about taking a few days off.
- Is everything okay? - Oh, yeah.
- Is it John? - John? John Cage? He's missing.
He left a note saying not to worry.
- He just took off? - I don't know what to think.
It could be another spa, it could be he's tired Maybe he loved somebody deeply who couldn't love him back.
What happened? Nothing.
He told me that he loved me deeply and I told him that I couldn't love him back.
- Do you think that's why he left? - I don't know.
- Is that why you want time off? - Me? No.
- Is it Glenn? - Glenn? Glenn Foy? - That Glenn? - Yeah, that one.
Wait.
Who? What do you-? Glenn Foy? What? It's something in John's note, reading between the lines.
What did it say? "Dear Richard.
Not to worry.
I'll be back.
John.
P.
S.
Ally likes Glenn.
" It's mine.
I'm just tired, and I need a few days to rest, okay? Okay.
One of us has to move.
One would think it'd be the gentleman.
I'm standing nose to nose with a gorgeous woman, who smells good.
- A gentleman would be a fool to move.
- Is it any wonder you've been sued? None.
- What's the deal with hiring me? - You're an excellent attorney.
- And? - I need a hard-nosed litigator.
- And? - With freckles the jury will love.
- You want me for my freckles? - That, and I want a girl.
- This girl is not about to- - The case is all prepped, Jenny.
- All you have to do is act, you know.
- Girlie.
There's no better feather than to be hired to defend another lawyer.
- Do you know why I became a lawyer? - To do good? Basically.
And how do I do that by defending a skirt-chasing ape? For someone so open-minded, do you even care to hear my side of the story? - Or do you want to rush to judgment? - What's your side? I'm guilty.
Now, let's get started.
How you doing? - Who is it? - Guess.
- You're going home? - Yeah.
Bye.
Ally, is this the adult way to handle this? - Perhaps not.
- So why? I find myself becoming increasingly attracted to you.
But the attraction is of the affair variety.
There will be casualties.
So whatever destructive urges I have, I'm facing them alone.
If that's not adult, then goo, goo, goo.
Goodbye.
If I'm gonna be your lawyer, I won't be your puppet.
- I was hoping to- - You did this with the plaintiff? - Come on, Jenny, it's strategy.
- Strategy.
How can it make sense to bring me in on the eve of trial? - And didn't she sue your whole firm? - We got that dismissed.
It's just me.
- I can't win a case with freckles.
- Jenny.
It's not just freckles.
You're girlie, you're gangly, you're adorable.
- And juries go for adorable girls.
- That kind of flattery leaves me wet.
Please.
I need you.
Okay.
I owe you.
I'll be right back with the file.
Boy, he's really gone.
- What in the hell is that? - I can explain! - Corretta- - What's going on? He's jumping out of walls while I'm on the toilet.
- I can explain.
- You can explain? - There's a room back there.
- He's jumping out of walls! That's John's home away from home, and he's moved out! - Home away from home? - I'm trying to do my business! He sought refuge there.
He left me a note that said he was leaving.
- I sit down and out he leaps! - What do you mean? John's gone.
Don't ask me where, but he's gone.
The case was a personal injury suit.
It was pretty routine.
Mr.
Milbury represented the defendant, I represented the plaintiff.
- Was Mr.
Milbury's conduct routine? - Hardly.
All during discovery, he made sexual advances at me.
- When you say sexual advances- - He'd ask me out.
But he wouldn't just say, "Let's have dinner.
" - It was always more suggestive.
- Can you be more specific? Well, once during a deposition he asked me to tame his meat-weasel.
- What about when you got to trial? - Once, his hand grazed my buttocks.
It was intentional.
It was an attempt to reduce me in the eyes of the jury.
He would openly compliment my clothing in front of the jury.
He once referred to me as sexy right in open court.
He would- - This is really disgusting.
- Please tell the court.
He- He told me he'd had a dream that we were doing karaoke together.
In the nude.
He said I had a talent with the mike.
It was phallic.
It was a transparent reference to a sexual act.
Then, all during the trial, he would ask witnesses: "Could you speak into the mike?" Then he'd look at me with his leer.
Did the defendant ever get physical with you? Yes.
Aside from the butt grazing, once in conference, he kissed me.
- He kissed you? - He just grabbed me and kissed me.
- What did you do? - I pushed him off.
And as a result of this behavior? I became so self-conscious, I couldn't perform as a lawyer.
I lost that case due to my rattled, scattered demeanor.
It involved a long-standing client, which I also lost.
All because of his wanton, predatory unwelcomed sexual conduct.
You asked her to tame your meat-weasel? - Come on.
- Raymond! - It's a boys club.
- No, it is no longer a boys club.
- You on my side or not? - Raymond.
You tell an attorney she's got a talent with the mike.
You wink at anything in a dress, and your career is on the line and you hire an attorney because she's girlie.
I hired you because you're great.
I'll deny ever having said it.
- Oh, thanks.
- Half of trial law is button-pushing.
Well, with women you really can't push that button.
- You really don't see that, do you? - Look, Jenny My mother used to complain that men considered her a sexual object.
She hated it.
One day I came home from school and found her crying.
Why? Because men no longer considered her a sexual object.
I may have rattled Sarah Warner, but part of her liked it.
Raymond, if you say that on the stand, we lose.
You have a problem.
Let me speak as if I was your friend.
You really have a problem.
Getting ready to leave, huh? Yep.
You don't have to go home.
We agreed not to go to that other place because of my relationship with Jenny and yours.
We can honor that.
No, I could use some time off, actually.
Okay.
Not that I'm trying to change your mind, but if we - Why would it be of the affair variety? - You're a boy.
I have no doubt that it would be fun.
And maybe it would be really good for me, but- - But? - But there's Jenny.
For me to risk hurting her, it'd have to be for a greater emotional good.
This would only be a frolic.
You know it.
And I know it.
I have a strict policy against fun.
Later, Glenn.
- You're a very pretty woman.
- Thank you.
- Have you been told that before? - I suppose.
Mr.
Milbury wasn't the first opposing attorney to find you attractive? He was the first to ask me to tune his skin-flute.
He actually said that.
- You've been a trial lawyer how long? - Six years.
Sometimes cases turn on something other than the merits? All the time.
You think your case was affected by Mr.
Milbury's apelike behavior? - Yes, I do.
- You felt reduced.
- Correct.
- And jurors who knows what they'll respond to? In fact, I've sometimes flirted slightly with male jurors.
Just a little smile here or there.
Nothing big.
- You ever do that? - We all try to charm jurors.
When you get dressed for a trial, do you choose your clothes carefully? - Yes.
- You look a little sexy for the men.
But not too much to put off the women, right? Part of a lawyer's case is presentation.
And part of a lawyer's strategy is to rile his opponent, disrupt her rhythm.
- True? - There is a line.
And you know where this line is? No, but telling me he polished the pink helmet with me in mind that crosses it, wherever it is.
- I asked one question too many.
- You did fine.
You never ask a question you don't know the answer to.
I screwed up.
Jenny.
- You did fine.
- Now it comes down to your testimony.
Do you think you could come off Homo sapien? - I could try.
- What about the kiss? Explain that.
- We were just fighting.
- So you kissed her? We were arguing, and she started getting dismissive.
You know when you're trying to get through to someone and you grab them to try and force eye contact so they see your point? To connect? - I don't really grab people, Raymond.
- Our faces were close, like this.
And she got this look I swear, it's like she wanted to kiss me.
A man can read that look, especially the apelike men.
She didn't pull away, she just stared back at me.
So I pulled her closer.
We were just like this.
See how I'm holding you? You could easily pull away.
Well, this is how I had her.
And in that second, I actually was attracted to her.
I pulled her even tighter.
Our lips were three inches apart, just like this.
So I kissed her.
It was a one-time thing, and she didn't complain.
- That explain it? - Huh? Oh yeah.
I got a whole lot of kisses Baby, you've been missing If you come back home - They let anybody sing? - I don't know.
You testify tomorrow? The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Wagtail.
- Jenny's doing okay? - Great.
What's up with you two? - Why? - I almost kissed her.
- Excuse me? - It was a demonstration.
I was showing her how I kissed the plaintiff.
But as it was, she's cute.
- You want to go out with Jenny? - No.
Maybe.
But I would never, I mean, without, unless- Forget it.
You think I'd let you do one of your hit-and-run numbers? - I don't do that.
- Don't be fooling around with Jenny.
Okay.
- You still have feelings for her? - I love her.
- Is she interested? - Look, I don't know.
- I don't want you hurting her.
Fine.
- Fine.
Oh, baby, if you bring your love Back to me - Is Ally too old for me? - You're gonna go out with Ally? No.
But if I met somebody like Ally I wanted to date, would she be too old? Why are you lying to me? If you like her, tell me.
I can't get her out of my mind.
I want to tell her everything about me.
- Have you? - No, I'm just saying- Forget it.
- Look.
She seems like a real woman.
- Isn't that good? - It's just that we're not real men.
- What are we? We're the guys girls go out with until they grow up, meet the man they'll marry.
- Ally, she's already grown up.
- Oh.
- I'm getting up there to sing.
- Is she interested in you? Jenny.
- I don't know, Glenn.
- I don't want her hurt.
- Next topic! - Is she interested? - She's not a wagtail.
Fine.
- Fine.
- Off to court? - Raymond's testimony.
Say a prayer.
- What do you think about Raymond? - I'm sorry? We joke about him, but he seems like a pretty good guy, isn't he? - What's going on, Glenn? - I was just You ever think maybe you should date him? I know it seems crazy.
If you want to go out with Ally, you can.
Ally? You don't think I see? The whole office sees.
I don't know You don't know what I'm talking about? You can't finish the sentence.
Because the one thing you and I will always have is honesty.
We don't lie to each other.
I don't have time for you to stumble along so I'll tell you why you're in here.
Guilt is stopping you from pursuing Ally, and a lot of that guilt would go away if I started dating somebody.
But for you to try to fob me off on your best friend so you can shag Ally with a clean conscience.
It's despicable.
It's not who you are, so I can only assume you're thinking with the part of you I no longer associate with.
Now, I'm late for court.
- It was Raymond's idea.
- What? He was asking my permission to date you.
I didn't give it to him.
So much for your little theory.
Isn't it disrespectful to just move in? - No.
Rats move into abandoned places.
- Clearly.
- I got an e-mail.
It said to feel free.
- You've heard from him? It said he was safe.
He's probably at some Club Med.
Richard! Aren't you concerned that he just takes off? - Flat screen? - Far wall.
- Of course.
But what can I do but? - Inhabit his hole.
When I was 15, I wrote an extremely personal essay.
I read it in class.
If you want to be a writer, you have to reveal yourself.
When I'd finished this emotional session a girl in the second row came up to me and she said: "I just want you to know, as I sat there watching you I couldn't take my eyes off of your incredible ass.
" Could you tell us how this is relevant, Raymond? I remember how devalued I felt in that moment.
And I realized people can become what they are in the eyes of others.
- And ever since I've been - An ass? Aware of the power one has to undermine the esteem of others.
So I employed it as a strategy in trial.
Every lawyer has some trick.
Most like to make the other guy feel unprepared or overwhelmed.
But with women, I found they have an innate predisposition to thinking: "I'm not really smart.
I am how I look.
" Especially women who dress to accentuate their beauty.
All I was doing with Ms.
Warner was trying to exploit a weakness.
- So this was just a strategy? - That's correct.
And if it's strategy, anything goes? In your closing, you'll no doubt be calling me a "chauvinistic oaf.
" - I won't sue you for it.
- Your chauvinism goes to the merits.
Making advances on opposing counsel for the purpose of harassing her.
Older attorneys attack my youth, blue bloods refer to me as a "swell guy" implying that I'm dumb.
Everybody looks for chinks in the armor.
What chink were you exploiting with my client? That she's beautiful.
There's a prejudice in this country.
"Where there's beauty, don't look for brains.
" I don't buy into it.
The surprising thing is, your client does.
That's why she's suing me.
He was good.
He didn't even waive his right to be a pig and he was still very persuasive.
And he was in total control.
The jury was just drawn right in.
- That's terrific.
- And he made sense, Ally.
Really.
- Yes, you said that.
- And I'm attracted to him.
- What was that last one? - I can't believe it.
- While he was testifying, he seemed - He seemed what? Cute.
- Tell me I haven't lost my mind.
- No, you haven't lost your mind.
When he had his hands on my shoulders, I wanted him to kiss me.
- Wow.
- You think I'm weird.
No, if you want to date Raymond, there's nothing wrong with that.
Why would anyone go out with him? We say we want an evolved, sensitive companion to share our feelings with.
And we do.
But underneath that, we want a guy who can beat up other guys.
Are we an inferior gender? No.
The problem is that women are so superior on the relationship level that it's tough to find a real autonomy with- Well, it's Jenny.
They like football.
Now, as a whole, they're a dumb sex.
There.
I said it.
There's not one nice, funny, smart, decent-looking guy? - Of course there is.
- Well, where is he? - Detroit.
- Sorry? I was kidding.
It would take a sense of humor to live in Detroit.
The thing about Raymond is that we are all drawn to protectors.
And as far as bodyguards go, he's cute.
And he's a lawyer, so he's not that stupid, just a little misguided.
- Is he kind? - Actually, yes.
So he's smart, cute and kind.
We could all do worse.
Are you ready For this thing called love? Don't come from me and you It comes from up above I ain't no porcupine Take off your kid gloves - Shouldn't we try to make contact? - He's always been eccentric, Nelle.
He's never left before.
Maybe he's having a breakdown.
- That ridiculous body suit he wore? - Bitch.
- Sorry.
- Did you say something? I coughed.
I got something stuck-up in my throat.
- I think we should go to his house.
- Or to the police.
Oh, yeah.
Show them the note.
They'll call in the FBl.
You're just happy to take over his hole.
It's a material game for you.
I'll go to his house tomorrow and check, okay? Thank you.
I think I should sing.
You look good when you sing up there.
- You're tone-deaf.
- Whatever.
- How'd your testimony go? - I think the jury saw the real me.
- You're not offering to settle? - That's funny.
No, it's all up to Jenny now.
She's a good closer, right? - I didn't mean it like that.
- Right.
Anyway, I told you I'm not gonna go there.
- I'm okay if you do.
- Right, that's obvious.
As long as you're not looking for a notch on your belt.
My belt is all talk.
You know that better than anybody.
- Treat her well, I'm okay with it.
- I don't think you are.
Fine, then.
Think what you want, but I want her to go out with a good guy.
And you're a great guy.
Would it be awkward for me at first? Absolutely.
But in the long run, you know- Let me ask you a question.
Suppose you fall in love.
What will that do to us? - I'm asking you.
- No, I'm asking you.
I'm her ex.
Could you be friends with your lover's ex? So you're still saying no.
No, I'm saying I could be okay with it, ultimately.
I'm asking, could you? - Let's just change the subject, okay? - Fine.
- So how's Ally? - How would I know? - I guess you wouldn't.
- Fine.
We live in a society.
Might makes right, winner takes all.
It's all about winning.
If you do, you're successful.
Never mind your behavior.
In business? Ruthless.
That's praise.
Similarly, in law, it's get your verdict.
If it means harassing your opponent, committing a sexual battery even so what? If it's good strategy, that's just the way it goes.
We need the 12 of you to reset those boundaries a little.
Your daughters might be lawyers one day.
Your sons.
For their sake, if not Sarah Warner's, let's dial the code of conduct back to include simple manners, decency.
There is no law against our world being dignified.
Trial law, it's like going to battle.
Forget lawyers treating their learned brothers and sisters with respect.
It's a war.
And you know what? I can take it.
I have a lot of women lawyer friends who litigate.
They can take it too.
We can dish it out, and we push buttons just as we get ours pushed.
And we win sometimes, and other times not.
But it's the good ones, ones like Ms.
Beckenworth they don't cry sexual harassment every time they lose.
We stand up.
We pick ourselves up, we fight harder.
As a woman, I'm totally offended by Mr.
Milbury's conduct.
It was unacceptable.
But I'm outraged by the plaintiff's suggestion that because we're women we can't handle ourselves against him.
I don't need special protection.
I don't want it.
You're a woman, for God sakes.
Be a man.
Well, it's just that I find myself getting, you know.
- Horny-ous? - Weaker.
- I don't think I should be with him.
- No.
I am a fairly attractive woman, and I have fertile eggs.
- For me to be alone, it just seems - Against God? Allison.
- Would you dance with me? - Sorry? Sometimes a woman misses the trappings of a relationship.
Dance with me.
Trust your therapist now.
Just close your eyes and pretend you're with the man you love.
Let yourself go, Allison.
- You feel better? - Actually, I do.
It's the trappings, sometimes.
- What the-? - Keep up.
- I am not gonna keep up.
- Trust your therapist now.
Allison.
That is ridiculous! - Maybe we should go home.
- They indicated they were close.
- You seem nervous.
- Me? No.
I just get restless.
She's suing you personally.
You could lose your house.
Worse, your wardrobe! - Are you trying to make me nervous? - No, I- I guess I'm just curious why you've trusted all of this to freckles.
You really don't have a clue, do you? You're a pretty amazing attorney.
How many lawyers could scare the phone giants? - Your closing just now was fantastic.
- Thank you.
- You know, I'm cool about anything.
- You mean like dating me? Women's intuition.
Plus, Glenn told me.
I said to Glenn I thought you were cute.
I never You don't mark on your best friend's turf.
Oh, mark on his turf.
There's a romantic turn of phrase.
I think Glenn wants you to date me.
That would make it okay to date Ally, and that's what he wants.
- What do you want? - Me? - Well, what do you want? - I'd like to go out with you.
- You're not concerned? - Of course I am.
Mostly about Glenn.
He's my best friend.
One reason for that, we take each other at our word.
His word is he'd be okay with it.
- And if he's not? - I'd stop seeing you.
- Well, there you go.
- I'm open to finding out.
You haven't answered the previous question.
What do you want? Well, I'm open to dating.
I'm single, I'm not seeing Glenn anymore.
The field is open.
- Am I in the field? - Well, the truth is- Jury's back.
- We should get in there.
- Okay.
- Suddenly, I'm nervous.
- Me too.
- Has the jury reached a verdict? - We have, Your Honor.
What say you? In the matter of Warner v.
Milbury, we find in favor of the plaintiff and order the defendant to pay damages in the amount of 75 cents.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your service.
We're adjourned.
Thank you.
They're not saying you're right, only that she didn't get hurt.
I understand.
Thank you again.
Thanks for trusting me.
Well - Celebrate? - Absolutely.
Some of y'all never been down South.
I'm gonna tell you about this so you understand what I'm talking about.
I'm sorry? Down in Louisiana Where the alligators grow so mean There lived a girl That I swear to the world Made the alligators look tame Polk salad Annie - I begged him not to do this.
- He's not terrible.
No, he isn't.
You said he couldn't hit a note.
He's hitting one of mine.
A mean, vicious woman - He doesn't qualify as a missing person.
- What if he didn't write the e-mail? - Who else knew of his hole? - Melanie.
- You think she kidnapped him? - Well, she loved him.
John is going through something.
He'll be back.
The gators got your granny Chomp, chomp, chomp Everybody said it was a shame Polk salad Annie It's Friday night.
- Meaning? - Well, I have a life.
Also plans.
It's nearly 9:00.
Could we resume this on Monday? Sure, okay.
You know, you once spoke of the "getting ready for a date.
" Fixing your hair, putting on a pretty dress.
It was your favorite part of a Friday night.
The man part is usually the letdown.
Well, go home and do that.
Put on a sexy dress, do your hair.
Splash some perfume around.
Enjoy the anticipation of it.
Christmas is nothing compared with Christmas Eve.
- Isn't that pathetic? - Of course not.
You're embracing the spirit of having a relationship in lieu of actually having one.
- Again, isn't that pathetic? - Allison.
Give me your hand.
I have plans.
If you're not happy, pretend that you are.
It's the trappings.
- This is me up here.
- I know.
I've been there.
Oh, right.
- I'm not inviting you in.
- I wouldn't go in if you did.
"You can't lift your leg on your best friend's girl.
" Is that the saying? No, it isn't.
Listen, thanks.
You saved my life today.
Well, let's not exaggerate.
But again, thank you for trusting me.
So So.
- Good night.
- Right.
Good night.
Okay.
- Good night, Raymond.
- Good night.
You stinker!