Ally Mcbeal s05e08 Episode Script

Playing with Matches

Hey, jealous lover You're acting so strange Hey, jealous lover What is making you change? - Hey, jealous lover - Do-do-do-do - How wrong can you be? - Do-do-do-do - Do-do-do-do - I'm yours ever faithful - Do-do-do-do - Just be faithful to me This might sound self-serving.
But I'm coming from an altruistic place, which is hard.
You need a fling before you get married.
- What's going on? - Richard's altruistic place is hard.
Could you give me a second, Jen? Hey, jealous lover When you get married you choose a conventional life, which I support.
But when marriages fail, and 50 percent of them do, it often stems from an unconventional yearn to be I'm not a fan of the word, but nasty.
- Hm.
Many married women say to themselves: "I wonder what it's like to be nasty.
If only I'd been lascivious once.
" Some women yield to the urge after marriage, and that's wrong for principled people like you and me.
If only they had the sense to get lewd before they walked down the aisle.
And I'm speaking here not just for you, but for the institution itself.
Quench your nasty little id before you take vows.
Now, I say this for you.
I say it for Tim.
I say it because I care.
- I completely agree with you.
- You do? - Only thing, Richard.
- Yeah? - Is your altruistic place still hard? - Very.
The thing is, I've already been nasty in my life.
- How? - I've been a very, very naughty girl.
Would you like to know how nasty I can be? Only if it'll help.
Ask my fiancé.
Hall of fame bugger.
I've been down this road Playing with Matches Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That Ijust can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine the light To fiind my way back home Baby Oh, yeah - I look ridiculous.
- It's a bridesmaid's dress.
It's supposed to look ridiculous.
Do I look ridiculous? - No.
No, not at all.
- I'm gonna go see for myself.
- So you ready for the big day? - Oh, yeah.
You're still suspicious, aren't you? Me? No.
I love the idea of a 50-year-old woman and a young guy.
I hope when I'm 50 years old, young boys find me attractive.
I don't know, gives us all a little hope.
I don't think you'll have any problem, Ally.
Thank you.
Well, you know, that's This was Why are you looking at me like that? No reason.
Kimmy? I can't even begin to tell you my predicament, so I've put it in a note.
Let's go to my office.
A matchmaker? I paid her $23,000.
Three months later- - No match? - She refunded the money.
- Why? - She deemed me Uh Oh.
" Well, Kimmy, what is it that you would like us to do? Sue her for emotional distress? Well, okay.
Let's talk about this.
We don't have time.
The trial starts in an hour.
In an hour? You're just coming to us now? Will you help me, John? - Hello.
- Last chance.
- Excuse me? - Last chance for love What? Last chance for romance and love How did you do that? - Ally, you're up.
- Hm? Oh, coming.
Hi, I'm kimmy.
I like horseback riding, and long walks in the park and rainy days and Mondays.
Rainy days and Mondays don't get me down.
You can see I like a sense of humor.
I have one personally and I utilize it.
I'm looking for a kind man with fertile seed to be my mate.
To look in my probing eyes over a flickering candle.
I'm also a romantic.
You made this tape for the matchmaker? - Yes.
- Did you go out on dates after-? Many.
A lot of them pleasant.
Two went to first base.
You kissed two of them? - And a match failed to materialize? We didn't have a lot in common.
One was prurient and only wanted the "S" word.
The other What? Got blue on rainy Mondays? There it goes, damn it.
- Recess, Your Honor.
- Excuse me? I have a recurring lip twitch which the witness has inadvertently triggered.
Short recess, please.
Why are you blaming the matchmaker? She never in good faith linked me to anyone remotely compatible.
I had dinner with men who liked fishing.
That's it? You went out with fishermen? It wasn't just that I couldn't find a match.
She informed me by registered mail that no match existed for me in the domestic United States and quite likely on Earth.
Do you know how that made me feel? I paid her $23,000 and she says: "I'm sorry.
I only handle this planet?" And then- And then- And then what? Well, their slogan was, "Guaranteed success every time.
" And then after me, they changed it to, "Every time but once.
" The kid was making a move.
I know when a man is looking for action.
- The question here is, what do I do? - Well, do you have evil urges? No.
I mean, I- What do I do with respect to Jenny? I have knowledge, or at least a strong suspicion her mother's marrying a cheating snake.
Do I tell her? Give me your hand.
I am presenting you with an ethical dilemma.
I have a friend.
My friend has a mother.
My friend's mother is getting married.
My friend's mother's fiancé made a play on me.
Now, do I tell her? Yes.
All right.
Just forget it.
- Hello again.
- Why don't you believe? - I'm sorry? - I need air.
I think you should tell.
Really? Well, I'm gonna tell now if you don't.
- What if I'm wrong? - What if you're right? Right about what? Jenny I'm not sure.
But I'm pretty sure that Tim kind of made a pass at me.
My mother's Tim? He just Well, it was mostly innuendo.
- But it was definitely a come-on.
- What did he do? Well, he was suggestive with a look.
And he wasn't direct.
But, like I said, he- - So you're not sure? - Not a hundred percent, no.
Should I tell my mother? - If she was my mother- - You could be wrong, right? - Right.
- Well? - Maybe you should say nothing.
- Yeah.
What if she's right? - That's where we were when you came in.
- Find out for sure.
How? He's not gonna admit it.
He'll say that it was my imagination.
- You should take him up on his offer.
- Excuse me? Entrap him.
If he's predisposed to commit the deed- - What do I do? Say, "Hi, sailor"? - This is my mother.
- If he's a creep, she can't marry him.
- It is too perverse.
I can't.
This is my mother.
All these people you see, I matched them up.
Look at the happiness.
But, Miss Pumple, Kimberly Bishop is not a satisfied customer.
She's disgruntled.
You want disgruntled? You should see the men I set her up with.
Don't get personal, Miss Plumple.
- It's Pumple.
- All right.
Tell us about Kimberly Bishop, if you would.
Well, for starters, she would bring her mother on most of the dates.
This is not a good beginning.
And she wasn't warm.
Every man that I set her up with came back with the same two words: "Never again! " Two of them, we heard, went to first base.
"Like kissing a chicken.
" Their words.
One of them is suing me for a cold sore.
- Objection! - Overruled.
Cage, sit.
Did you make your best effort to find Kimberly Bishop a match? Let me tell you something.
I saw this woman as a challenge.
And I'm a person who responds to challenge.
I looked everywhere.
I tried everybody.
But this is not a likable person.
Sorry, Kimmy.
But you're not.
Well, I'm not even sure.
A woman's compass is good when it comes to the dial on a man's compass.
If you thought he was, he probably was.
- What would you do? - If John asked me to test his mother I probably would.
That's what friendship is sometimes.
- Plus you like older women.
- There's that.
Seriously, should I offer myself up as bait? - It seems so vulgar.
- Well, if you're sure, no.
Tell Frances he's a player and send her to me.
But if you're not sure, ask the kid if he's interested.
Did you see? See what? Nothing.
Why didn't you simply refund the money? Why did you send by registered mail: "Nothing for you on this planet"? Because there are less reputable matchmakers out there who might tell her there is a man for her.
- I didn't want her to get taken.
- Is that it? Or could you have been projecting your failure onto her, Miss Pumple? I don't like how he's punching my name.
Just answer his questions, ma'am.
I bring happiness to people's lives.
- Look behind you.
- I don't want to.
These people are here to support me and what I do, Mr.
They bear witness to my ability as a matchmaker.
They all came to me the same as your client with the very same plea.
Which was? Matchmaker, matchmaker Make me a match Find me a fiind Catch me a catch Oh, that's our theme.
We sing it at our reunions, of which we have many.
Matchmaker, matchmaker Look through your book - Ma'am.
- And fiind me a perfect man - All right! - Miss Pumple? - Matchmaker, I'll bring the veil - Order.
You bring the groom Slender and pale There will be no singing in my courtroom.
Bring me a ring, I long to be - The envy of all I see - That's enough.
- Move to strike the music.
- For Papa, make him a scholar - For Mama- - I'm warning you all.
- Ask for sanctions, judge.
For me, well, I wouldn't holler - If he were as handsome as any- - Kimmy! Matchmaker, matchmaker Make me a match Find me a fiind Catch me a catch Night after night In the dark I'm alone So make me a match Make me a match Make me a match of my own I don't know.
We just want to see if he's inclined to cheat.
- Doesn't feel right.
- If I could pull it off, I would.
Okay, just be subtle, because he goes for sophistication.
- You wanted to see me? - Well What the-? Tim? In my office.
Too subtle? Well, you know, it was Well, actually, it was me who wanted to see you.
About what? Well You know, this is really embarrassing.
But earlier, you were You were looking at me in a way Like, maybe you were interested in me sexually.
Which is okay.
I mean, I get lots of looks.
Sometimes I can't walk down the street without But anyway, well, on the chance that you were interested I know how guys, right before they get married sometimes want to dip that quill in the little inkwell one last time.
You know, I guess that you know, I would sort of be interested in being that inkwell - you know, if you were interested.
- Oh.
I'm not.
I thought I would ask.
That's okay.
That's all.
Thank you.
But if you're interested in more than that, like a little affair that's something that appeals to me.
Oh Well, gee I'll give it some thought.
- I just can't believe it.
- I'm sorry.
And there was no confusion-? - No, no.
He was really direct this time.
I feel nauseous.
- What's wrong? - Mom, I have some really bad news.
Only I can't give it to you because I might puke.
A person shouldn't be the bearer of both bad news and vomit.
What's going on? Tim.
Tim, your fiancé.
- What's happened? Is he all right? - Yes.
He's fine.
He's dandy.
He's- - He's a scoundrel.
- Excuse me? - He made a play for me.
- What? Well, he was interested in having a small affair.
I'm so sorry, Mom.
Jenny, Tim and I, we have an open relationship.
We plan on having an open marriage.
- What do you mean? - He's free to dabble and so am I.
I don't like where he's dabbled, but other than that, it's not a disaster.
You're okay with? To be with a friend of my daughter, no.
But other than that he's free to do as he pleases.
- Well, she took it okay.
- This just isn't my mother.
I better stay with her.
You're killing me.
- The wedding's still on? - Yes.
What about the sanctity? It's a violation of love.
Everything I believe in.
She's open to affairs? - Evidently.
- That's terrible.
- Not with Jenny's friends.
- Good.
- What witness? - The matchmaker failed her too.
- Are you sure? - I just got off the phone with her.
I don't like surprises in the middle of trial.
The surprise will be on them.
- Ally, many marriages are open.
- Well, I know.
But usually in failure.
To go in saying it's okay to cheat, is giving up before you've even begun.
I'm just filled with such hopelessness.
I mean, all men cheat? I have to resign myself to that? Allison, give me your hand.
There are many wonderful, loving, good, handsome men who are married.
If you swear off adultery, how can you link up with them? - Trust your therapist.
- I'm done trusting you.
- Why are you so threatened? - I don't know! I guess I just need to believe in partnership, that it can be possible.
You still can't believe in love, can you? - Tell me more about the boy.
- The boy is over.
He's back with Jenny.
The 7-year-old boy.
Well, it's just, you know, I get these hallucinations.
It's I have them.
It's nothing.
If this hallucination says you're trying to kill him, it's not nothing.
Girl I heard you're getting married Heard you're getting married This time you're really sure And this is the end Two nights before my wedding, shouldn't we be having some fun? What if Glenn and I had that kind of arrangement? What would you think? The thing about men, deep down they annoy me.
I don't want one all the time.
I enjoy the physical partnership.
I enjoy having a home together.
- I also like my independence.
- You mean lovers on the side? Should I choose to.
Most likely, I wouldn't.
Tim keeps me quite busy.
I think it's gross.
The point of marriage is two people sticking together until death.
Shouldn't you think about my happiness? - Are you happy, Mom? - Yes, I am.
I am, sweetheart.
Don't worry about me.
I'm okay.
But it's the worst that could happen to me It was awful.
She promised me a partner.
But it was a fraud.
Miss Cushnip, did you get dates through the defendant's service? Oh, yes.
But not with men who could even remotely be partners.
She peppers you with dates.
But then nothing works out.
And then she blamed it on me.
And that's what was so hurtful.
You put in your video you like the spotlight.
- Women like attention.
- But you travel with your own technician and a spotlight.
Don't you? It's an esteem device.
A woman is prettier when she feels good about herself.
I see you brought your technician today.
Would you feel more comfortable if he lit you up? Hm.
Maybe a little.
Go ahead, sir.
Much better? I'm sorry.
- Ace in the hole? - Don't raise your voice.
I told you how opposed I am to surprise.
"The other side will be surprised! " Trailing up! Your voice is trailing up! - You haven't heard it trail up! - I didn't know she had a spotlight.
- Did you ask? - No, I forgot.
I should've asked, "Will you be bringing a 400-volt lamp to court?" - You lost the case.
- I didn't! - What do I say in my closing? - I don't know.
Just stand up, smile, and give him a little lip twitch.
It's so winning.
- Don't let it bother you.
- How? It was the heat of passion.
You were both upset.
Oh, but the witness she called.
We have lost, Ally.
beside me to guide me - I can't believe she is singing this.
- Why? Well, this is the song I heard in my head when a little boy 'Cause when I'm bad I'm so so bad - So let's dance - So let's dance Let's dance I can't stand it anymore.
Come on.
Last dance Last chance for love Yes, it's my last chance For romance tonight Oh, I need you By me Beside me To guide me To hold me To scold me Because when I'm bad I'm so so bad Come on, Ally Last chance tonight Woo Do you remember? - Remember what? - You don't remember? Remember what? Remember what? Ally? Oh, I don't I don't know what's going on.
I don't understand.
- Are you okay? - Uh I don't know.
I don't know.
You're planning what? - We're desperate.
- I don't like tricks.
Go with it! Not everything is as choreographed as a nose whistle.
Oh, that's rich.
First my lip, now my nose.
- Just go with it.
You're bugging me.
- I'm bugging you? So he says he can't breathe.
And he sings "Last Dance.
" Were you dancing to him last night when you went crazy? No.
That was just the lyrics.
You know, "Last chance for love.
" I just felt compelled to go for broke.
This might be my final crackup.
And you really don't recognize the boy? - No.
- And the skates? Did you ever go skating as a young boy? I've been a girl as long as I can remember.
I did go skating.
I used to go public skating and What? Well, you know those dancing partners.
They always just seemed like they were so in love, you know? I used to go skating and pretend I was in love.
- The little boy is you, Ally.
- What? Part of your therapy is because you don't believe in love.
This thing with Frances' marriage, that can't be helping.
Why would a little boy say I'm trying to kill him or I won't let him breathe? Well, you know, I'm no expert but the boy is that part of you that believed in love.
You're letting him die.
You won't let that part of you breathe.
First of all, that's abstract and too profound for you to come up with.
I don't have to be profound.
I was there.
When? When Billy died.
When Larry left.
The little boy is me? No Miss Pumple, didn't I hear you say you love a good challenge? Lovely woman, I live for challenge.
- You're used to difficult cases? I want the hopeless.
Are you kidding? I'd love fixing up your partner.
I realize the witness enjoys a wide latitude in her testimony.
- But her girth should have limits.
- John.
Did you hear that? Miss Pumple, would you have a hard time fixing me up? Oh, terribly.
Take me all of 20 seconds.
What about this woman here? I might need a list of personality points.
But I could find her a match.
And what about, say, this woman? As I said, I welcome challenges.
And this woman? She's what men die for.
If I couldn't set her up, I'd eat my license.
- What is your name, ma'am? - Kimmy Bishop.
I've been tricked! Perhaps a little cheese on that license.
She didn't look like this when she came to me! You're the expert, Miss Pumple.
You declared her to be unmatchable.
Is that woman unmatchable, Miss Pumple? Is she? Anybody want to meet her? The point is, she was unwilling to make these kind of changes with me.
You were incapable of getting her to make adjustments which you claim is your specialty.
She only made them here to win a lawsuit.
Look, every juror raised his hand.
You're beaten.
Just admit it.
I'm not beaten, little man.
Kimmy, I know you're honest.
Look me in the eye and tell me you're willing to make these kinds of wholesale changes.
I'm willing to make some changes.
Harriet, you like Kimmy.
I know deep, deep down you believe in your heart she is matchable.
I do.
Changing that slogan, that was mean.
It sounds like you were angry at Kimmy, perhaps for your own failure.
She was rigid.
If you're willing to change, I'll switch my slogan back.
And I'll find you a man.
I'm willing to compromise.
I need to still be me.
I won't change.
But I will compromise.
I think we have a deal here.
- Deal.
- Deal! "'Til death do them part," and they actually did it.
It depresses you.
It's no way for people to form a union.
That's not love.
I'm sorry.
Spoken like a woman who believes in love.
- Are you letting the boy breathe? - Like I said, I'm trying.
I'm no expert on the science of love.
But from what I read, people take strange routes.
Dating services, open marriages.
Who knows? Certainly not the two of us.
Richard thinks the part of me that used to be in love is dead.
- My therapist wonders the same thing.
- What do you think? Well, I think that if that's true, then I've gone dead.
I used to be able to fantasize in ways that I no longer seem able to.
Well, I lost Christmas for a while.
I got it back.
That little boy he didn't say he was dead.
- He said I was killing him.
- But he wasn't dead, was he? He was there right in front of you, skates in hand, ready.
For me to start pretending again? To start believing again.
And if believing starts with pretending, or fantasizing so be it.
Uh-huh You got a cute way of talkin ' You got the better of me Yeah Just snap your fiingers And I'm walkin ' Like a dog Hangin ' on your lead yeah I'm in a spin, you know Shakin ' on a string, you know - Lil' Kimmy is back.
- It's the new Kimmy.
How exciting.
And she settled her case.
Corretta gave her a makeover and it worked.
- You can't stand it, can you? - Congratulations.
You won it.
I admit.
- Thank you.
- And I'm sorry I got so upset with you.
I'm sorry I made fun of your twitch and your whistle.
By any chance, would you care to dance? Sure.
Would you care to dance? In times like these, other than loved ones I feel like our hearts are our most cherished possession.
Me too.
Well, time to go.
It's 9:00.
- I'm going skating.
- Skating? Skating is a good thing to do on a Friday night because it's romantic.
- Do you have a date? - No.
But I'm starting to believe in love again, and it's a start.
You make me feel like dancin ' Whoa Gonna dance the night away Feel like dancin ' Move it, now.
Who would've believed That you and me Would fall and land together? And who Could have foreseen In you I'd fiind the place I've belonged forever? And if I look closer Then love will take over And lead The way I'd given up hope Losing the faith that love Could be mine to treasure And now Nothing's the same I found myself reborn On the day I met you And if we move closer Then love will take over And lead The way Suddenly You are lying here with me And the truths I used to hold have changed If we move closer And let it take over Then love Will lead The way You stinker!
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