Almost Heroes (2011) s01e06 Episode Script
Terry and Peter vs. the Law
(Forceful grunt) Peter: Another great day! Terry: You locked us out of the store all day and we couldn't sell anything.
Technically.
Then it rained.
A lot.
And then that stray dog chased us.
He sure did.
And we had to hide in a dumpster.
Oh, I remember that.
Then the garbage truck came.
We almost died.
How is that a great day? We were together? Yeah.
Terry: Night, Peter.
Peter: Good night, Terry.
Peter: You're coming with me, Doctor Squid! Not today, Octoshark! (Mimics hitting sounds) Whoopshh! Whoopshh! Taste ink! (Mimics ink squirting) Fffshlb! Whooooh! Terry: Do you mind? Uh sure! Do you want to be Octoshark or Doctor Squid? I wanna be Professor Slumber.
Awesome! I got him right here! Check out his cool battle pillows.
Yeah Hey! It's bedtime.
No more talking.
(Mimics fighting) You gotta be Peter! What? I just got these.
I have to break them in.
Just do it quietly.
Fine.
(Glass shatters nearby) Peter: That wasn't me! Terry: It came from next door! (Glass smashes) Terry: Shhh! (Whispering) I think it's a break-in.
We should arm ourselves.
Finally! - Are you wearing a cape? - Obviously.
What the hell are you gonna do with a cape? A cape distracts your enemy, makes you a harder target to hit.
Why do you think heroes wear them all the time? See? Look.
Hit me! Hit me! Hit- whoa! I tripped on my cape.
I think you should stay here.
(Glass shatters) Bernie: Oh shit! Bernie? Oh! Hey, Terry.
What, are you breaking into your own store? No, I broke out.
I fell asleep in the back, hiding from customers and when I woke up I realized I forgot my keys.
Couldn't you just use the fire door at the back? No? You gotta be careful.
It's dangerous out here.
Oh, don't worry, I'm fine.
No, I don't mean for you.
Unhand my brother, wrongdoer! Ugh! Okay, I'm tangled.
I'm very tangled.
This cape is a deathtrap.
(Sighs heavily) God, this place is quiet.
A little too quiet.
Hasn't been this quiet since the day you forgot to flip the open sign.
Yeah, I didn't notice till five.
But I got a lot done that day.
Maybe we should be closed more often.
No.
What am I doing wrong? Am I missing something? Maybe you should look at your checklist.
- Lights? - On.
Open sign? Flipped.
Dress as pirates.
Well, if it's on the list, I guess we have to.
This one's yours.
- Did you change my checklist? - How'd you know? Well, several things: The handwriting has a distinct left slope; It's in blue ink - I remember using black; Also, I'm not a giant idiot.
Terry, come on, man.
You gotta relax.
Your list was all work, work, work.
But I've added fun things like number seven.
Play 20 questions with Peter? - If you insist! - Yeah, I'm not playing.
I'll get us started.
Alive! 19 left.
I refuse to participate.
It is a woman.
18 left.
What's going on in the parking lot? The answer is wonder woman.
It always is.
Both: (Excited breaths) Terry: Look at all these customers! Peter: And they're headed this way.
Terry, this is it.
This is the moment.
Our moment.
Together.
We're brothers.
Now, more than ever! That one got away on you a little bit, didn't it? I'm just so excited.
Me too, Pete.
Me too.
And welcome to Sassitude.
Shoulda seen that one coming.
To early to drink? It is crazy in there.
Everyone's like, (Whiny voice) Do you have a size 6 in these? No.
Does this come in red? Buzz off! Can you ring this up? What am I, your mother? Why is it so busy, and how do we get that? Word got out about the break-in.
It's been all over action city news; It even bumped the piece about the horse that can do math.
That horse is a fraud.
His long division sucks.
So there is no such thing as bad publicity.
I mean, I can do fractions.
No one gives me a sugar cube.
Let's move on from the horse.
Well, I probably shouldn't just stand here avoiding work.
I think I'll walk around the block.
Pete, are you thinking what I t thinking? Yep.
I'm done with raisins.
What? No, no.
A robbery brought all these customers into Sassitude.
- So - So no raisins? We fake a break-in at our own store.
Terry, you want us to become criminals? I want us to be successful.
Villainy is a slippery slope! Wouldn't you like to be on the news? I don't know - You can wear your cape.
- Let's do this.
Boyd, how exactly did Sassitude get robbed last night? You're supposed to be security.
Boyd? (Snoring) (Startled yelp) Wake up! Oh, wow Wow I just had a crazy dream where I was behind the wheel of my van And you were there; You were trying to wake me up.
No, Boyd, that just happened.
I can see the future.
- That was the past.
- I can see the past! Okay, Boyd, I don't want anymore break-ins at the mall, alright? You're gonna have to start doing your job.
All you had to do was ask.
I'm with ya a hundred percent.
Well, good.
Can't let this happen again.
(Snoring) There you are.
Okay, Terry, I've got it all planned out.
We need to make it look like an inside job.
Well, that might not be the best idea since it will be an inside job.
Oh, right.
Then we need to make it look like we put up a struggle.
- I can shoot you in the leg.
- No.
- The arm? - No.
What if I just graze you? Don't worry, I'll still shoot you, but only a little bit.
Peter, please, don't be ridiculous! Would it be ridiculous to burn our fingerprints off so we leave a a trace? Peter, this is our store.
Our prints should be all over the place.
Oh.
Son of bitch! - Yeah.
- Fine! What kind of break-in do you want? The simple kind: No guns, no capes, get in, get out.
That's so crazy it just might work.
Peter and Terry: (Grunts of effort) Careful.
Careful.
The real crooks aren't careful.
They just smash the door.
Do you know how much this costs? 12 bucks? Wow! That is just so off.
It explains why you're so bad with money.
Real crooks would make a huge mess.
Yeah, but this is our place.
Don't worry, everyone'll just think we were robbed by really considerate crooks who didn't want us to pay for broken glass, so they took the door off the hinges, wiped their feet and left without making a mess.
Peter and Terry: All right! (Victorious laughter) It's clearly the owners.
Let's book 'em.
(Gunshots pop three times) I thought you were gonna book us! What can I say? I hate paperwork.
(Laughs) Let's roll out.
Wouldn't he have to file more paperwork? What? Maybe a little mess is a good idea.
Yes! Okay, let's see Ooh! Thundergut - fighting crime with the power of gas.
That never sells.
Ooh.
Bleeding gums.
This is the comic put out by the dental association.
I don't think so.
Whatever.
Ooh, I'll get the money out of the till.
Oh, there isn't any money in the till.
I bought a burrito.
Perfect.
We're all set.
Peter: Not quite.
What're you doing? I am leaving a nice false trail.
That leads to? You'll see.
Whoa-ho-ho! Yes! Boom! Now it'll look like the burglars spontaneously combusted.
Case closed.
It's like your mouth is just a delivery system for nonsense.
You're welcome.
Hello, Action City News? I think someone broke into our store.
Oh, and your horse is a fraud! So, I understand you were robbed? Yes, it was scary.
But not as scary as our low, low prices.
How do you feel knowing this is the second time this mall has been broken into in two days? Huh? What can I say? It was a shock.
But not as big a shock as our wide selection of popular titles.
Our selection of action figures is so large, - that we actually robbed our own stor- whoa! Heh.
Back to you, action news! I say that.
Back to the newsroom.
We did it.
Excellent choice.
And you have a wonderful day.
Now this is how business is supposed to be.
And all it took was breaking the laws that bind our community together.
Hey, come on.
We robbed our own store.
We didn't even claim insurance.
It's a victimless crime.
Rayna: Yes, sir, Mr.
Matsumoto, I no, I totally agree.
Two break-ins is unacceptable, but What? You don't mean that.
You do? But I would urge you- you look upset.
How do we turn that frown into a date with me? I'd rather have a cup of scalding coffee thrown in my face.
Hmm And On the house.
Sorry.
It's just my boss is going crazy.
One more break-in and someone's gonna lose their job.
Victimless crime, eh? - Shut up, Peter.
- There's always a victim.
Peter: (Chuckling) Hey, guys, taking a break? Oh yeah, we are busy.
We are busier than the president of busy on Saint busyington's day.
Terry: Well said.
Peter: Thank you.
So you guys saw how much publicity we got from our "break-in" and then you mysteriously get robbed.
I don't know what you're implying.
You broke into your own store.
Oh my God, she scanned our brain.
Guard your remaining thoughts! Do you have any remaining thoughts? Do you guys realize how much trouble.
Rayna's gonna get in after the second break-in.
One of which was you.
I'm just saying you're putting all of our asses on the line.
Oh, I love my ass.
All right, both of you just relax, all right? We'll be fine.
As long as we keep our mouths shut, no one will suspect a thing.
(Car doors close) Yeah, it's clearly the owners.
Let's book 'em.
Terry: He's got a gun! Cop: Whoa, whoa! Sorry, sorry.
I gotta go, honey.
Sorry about that.
Just booking my wedding band.
Thinking about going with "The Owners.
" You ever hear of them? Either them or "Inside Job.
" Right.
So, uh, what can we do for you, officer? What's this I hear about you guys being broken into? What? Us? Broken into? That's hilarious.
Yes, we were.
Terry made me do it and I'll tell you everything.
Terry: Be cool.
And you never made an official police report.
You know how suspicious that looks? He thinks we're suspicious! There's only one reason why people don't call the police after a crime's been committed.
Because they're clearly guilty? (Under his breath) Will you stop! No, it's because they've lost faith in the police department.
- And I have.
- Yeah, I mean, who can blame us! I mean, you're never there when we need you.
Our store was just broken into and you haven't even caught us.
Them.
Them.
Them.
You're right.
But I swear to you, on my mother's grave, these crooks will do hard time.
Uh-oh.
That's more like it! Cop: Let's roll out, cookie.
- He seemed nice.
- No, just Rayna: Two break-ins in one week, Boyd? Tonight, I need you to stake out the mall.
Stakeout? Uh, tonight's no good.
I've already made plans: Staying up in my van all night, eating junk food, monitoring the comings and goings of the mall.
That's what a stakeout is.
Well, thing's just got interesting! I told you it's a slippery slope.
Today we're breaking into our own store; Tomorrow we're robbing banks with harpoon guns.
We're not robbing a bank.
Oh really? Then what am I gonna do with this? Give me that! Where did you get this? Craigslist.
The crime spree is over.
All right? The store is busier than ever, Rayna's boss will forgive her, and no one suspects a thing.
Dan: I know what you did.
(Harpoon fires) Ahhh! Dan.
What're you talking about? Oh, I just like saying that randomly to people.
You'd be amazed what they might confess to.
Saw the cops talking to you two.
Is there a new law against being a pussy? Uh, they were just trying to track down the robber.
Oh right, that break-in that you mysteriously slept through, in the store you live in.
That's the one.
Bye-bye.
After Sassitude got robbed, I installed a security camera outside.
It should get a pretty good look at whoever robbed your store last night.
I'll send the tape off to the cops first thing tomorrow.
Nighty-night, pretend grown-ups! Is now the part where we start to panic? - It is.
- Oh good.
(Panicked screams) I can't go to prison! (Panicked screaming) Where's my luggage?! Ahhh! Where's my bags?! How could I think that robbing our store to get press was a good idea? Agh! It sounds like a good idea.
I mean, listen to itâ Rob our store, get press.
I'd go along with that every time.
That should've been a clue.
Just pull yourself together! We've been in worse fixes than this before and you always think of something.
Hello, police? I'd like to turn myself in.
Terry! No, you're being hysterical! You're right.
I'm sorry.
All we need to do is just think this through and work together.
Hello, again, police? Sorry, we got cut off.
Peter: Terry! No! All right, look.
I'm gonna turn myself it.
I'll keep you out of it.
We don't have any other choice.
It's the sensible thing to do.
See, that's the problem.
You're the sensible one, and the time for sensible is over.
Let's get nuts.
What are you saying? Ah, well, you could go to jail, or you could pull one last break-in to get that tape from Dan's store! Break into Dan's store! That's the best idea I've ever heard.
Well, we're doing it anyway.
Rayna: What's in the briefcase? I called in some favours to get backup for tonight's stakeout.
Behold, the Stun-Master 3000.
Take out a 300 pound protestor in a single shot.
Where'd you get this? Craigslist.
I wanted a harpoon gun, but someone beat me to it.
So, who's just a security guard now? I never said you were just a security guard.
I said you were barely a security guard.
Oh.
Sorry.
You know, maybe I'll come along with you on that stakeout tonight.
Just to make sure you don't do anything crazy.
Sure, but I'm taking my stun gun with me.
Uh, I think it might be safer if I held onto that.
(Stun gun crackles) Peter: Here's the plan.
Bernie, you're over here watching the door Terry, you're up on the roof.
Terry: Why the roof? So you rappel down the front of the store with a ninja-like grace.
Terry: Why would I do that? Peter: 'Cause it looks cool.
I'm gonna run a zig-zag pattern through the minefield.
Terry: The parking lot's supposed to be mined now? Peter: Oh yeah! While I plant the plastic explosives, Bernie's gonna distract the guard.
Crotch face! Bernie: Ooh, is he cute? He is, if you find robots cute! Beep-beep.
You will be my flesh-bot.
Terry: And we're done.
Yeah.
Okay, fine.
This only took me 14 hours to make.
But we're done now.
Bernie: And I wanted to see where things were gonna go with this robot.
Guys, I think we need a much simpler plan.
Fine.
Bernie, you create a distraction, while Terry and I go through the front.
Why would I help with any of this? Because if you don't, I'll tell the cops you broke out of your own store.
(Whispers) And friendship.
And friendship.
Fine then.
For friendship.
So this is the whole plan? Almost.
Okay, got the mushu pork, bean curd and rice.
Where should we start? Boyd? Boyd? (Snoring) Son of a bitch.
Boyd and Rayna: (Snoring) Terry: Explain to me again why we're wearing pirate costumes? Because if we get spotted, pirates will take the blame! Also, great things always happen when I'm wearing this costume.
Hey, look! A quarter! Explain to me again why we're wearing pirate costumes? Because if we get spotted, pirates will take the blame! Also, great things always happen when I'm wearing this costume.
Hey, five bucks! (Singsongy) Lucky costume.
Hey, look, a quarter! Explain to me again why we're wearing pirate costumes? Because if we get spotted, pirates will take the blame! Also, great things always happen when I'm wearing this costume.
All right, we're here.
Why'd that seem to take so long? I don't know.
Terry and Peter: Ahhh! Okay Cardboard Dan.
Cardboard Dan.
(Calming exhales) All right.
All right.
Now, to get us in Watch yourself.
Watch.
What's wrong? If we're caught breaking into the store, Rayna will be in serious trouble.
That's because somebody was too afraid to rappel.
Don't worry.
I'll get us in with this.
A little jiggle up, a little jiggle down Oops.
I may have accidentally dropped the card in the store.
There is now a credit card with your name on it locked in the store? Yes.
Never fear, I shall retrieve it with my driver's licence.
Sure you will.
Up and down Oops! Again.
- Didn't see that coming, - yup.
- Third time's a charm.
- Sure.
I will use my birth certificate.
Go for it.
Now it's gone.
And there it is.
Can I borrow your wallet? Both: (Snoring) Pirates! Rayna! Pirates! You're dreaming.
Go back to sleep.
No, look! It almost looks like Pirates! Boyd: God help us, nothing stops pirates.
Lose a hand? They slap on a hook.
Lose a leg? They slap on a peg.
Lose an eye? They slap on a parrot.
Son of a bitch! Don't worry, we'll get everything back using the lease to our store.
Terry: Would you give me that?! Rayna, I am so sorry.
They're breaking in! (Gasps) Just like pirates! Not on my watch.
Time to shiver some timbers.
Let's roll.
(Store alarm blares) Bernie: Booga-ooga! I'm distracting you! Agh! Oh my God.
I just zapped Bernie.
I'll lose my job.
I'll go to jail! I'm ruined! Keep calm.
Keep calm.
Old Boyd's got a plan.
Just gently hand over the stun gun.
Gently Gentle.
(Stun gun crackles, Rayna grunts) (Stun gun crackles, Boyd grunts) Per r and Terry: (Whispering) Go, go, go, go! (Store alarm sounds) Well, we did it.
We got the security tape back.
Yup, my plan worked.
Ah, I'm pretty sure it was my plan.
You wouldn't even have had a plan if my plan hadn't backfired.
What happened to you last night? Well Boyd: (Garbled grunts) It's still a little fuzzy.
Uh, so I didn't know you guys were actually going to rob Sportapalooza.
What do you mean? That was my whole plan.
Uh, my plan.
Uh no, you guys don't understand.
Holy crap! Look what your plan did! Somebody must've seen the broken glass and pulled off a real heist.
The police, they're gonna put a mindworm in my ear and force me to tell the truth.
Peter, pull yourself together! Nobody's onto us.
Dan: I'm onto you.
- Dan.
- Got to admit, boys, pretty ballsy breaking the window to steal that surveillance tape.
Shame you didn't remember to steal the surveillance tape of last night's break-in.
Dammit! I knew you forgot something! What a terrible plan! Nice disguises though.
I couldn't tell it was you 'cause you were dressed up as pirates.
Only I could tell it was you 'cause you were dressed up as pirates.
It does sound like us.
I cleaned out my store.
When the insurance company gets a look at the tape of you boys breaking in, I should make a small fortune, thanks to you two assholes.
You're welcome.
Don't say "you're welcome.
" It's my insurance adjuster now.
Let's see how much I'm gonna make.
You got Dan.
Uh-huh.
I see.
Ha.
Fantastic.
(Phone smashes) Apparently, they don't cover acts of piracy.
Woo hoo! Pirates rule! Now I gotta load the whole store back in from that truck.
- What truck? - My truck.
What? Somebody stole my truck! No.
Dammit! It was right there! Huh.
I guess when you have three fake break-in's in a week, you're bound to attract real criminals.
Damn.
I hate you guys.
Terry: You look exhausted.
I mean, beautifully I'm not gonna save this one.
Exhausted.
I was up all night staking out the mall with Boyd.
Really? Did you catch us? Peter: Them! Terry: Them? Actually Rayna: Ungh! Boyd: (Garbled grunt) They got away.
So no one got fired.
Oh, someone did.
My boss.
I'm sorry? I'm not.
Mr.
Masumoto was a douche.
He wasn't even Japanese.
He just thought it sounded efficient.
That's great news! I can't believe we got away with it.
It truly was the perfect crime.
Cop: I knew it was you all along! Oh no.
Cop: Yes.
I want you to play "I knew it was you all along" as our first dance! Ugh.
Wedding bands - don't get me started.
Uh, can we help you? Yep, solved the crime.
Found these burned boots out by the dumpster.
Oh my God.
Footsteps match the ones leaving your store.
I dusted them for fingerprints, but, ah, there were none.
Yes.
Cop: There's only one explanation: The criminal spontaneously combusted.
Boom! Two for two.
Come on.
Well, thanks for telling us.
Well, I hope this restores your faith in the police department.
Where's my gun? Who's the idiot now? That guy.
Thought you lost another one, buddy.
/i
Technically.
Then it rained.
A lot.
And then that stray dog chased us.
He sure did.
And we had to hide in a dumpster.
Oh, I remember that.
Then the garbage truck came.
We almost died.
How is that a great day? We were together? Yeah.
Terry: Night, Peter.
Peter: Good night, Terry.
Peter: You're coming with me, Doctor Squid! Not today, Octoshark! (Mimics hitting sounds) Whoopshh! Whoopshh! Taste ink! (Mimics ink squirting) Fffshlb! Whooooh! Terry: Do you mind? Uh sure! Do you want to be Octoshark or Doctor Squid? I wanna be Professor Slumber.
Awesome! I got him right here! Check out his cool battle pillows.
Yeah Hey! It's bedtime.
No more talking.
(Mimics fighting) You gotta be Peter! What? I just got these.
I have to break them in.
Just do it quietly.
Fine.
(Glass shatters nearby) Peter: That wasn't me! Terry: It came from next door! (Glass smashes) Terry: Shhh! (Whispering) I think it's a break-in.
We should arm ourselves.
Finally! - Are you wearing a cape? - Obviously.
What the hell are you gonna do with a cape? A cape distracts your enemy, makes you a harder target to hit.
Why do you think heroes wear them all the time? See? Look.
Hit me! Hit me! Hit- whoa! I tripped on my cape.
I think you should stay here.
(Glass shatters) Bernie: Oh shit! Bernie? Oh! Hey, Terry.
What, are you breaking into your own store? No, I broke out.
I fell asleep in the back, hiding from customers and when I woke up I realized I forgot my keys.
Couldn't you just use the fire door at the back? No? You gotta be careful.
It's dangerous out here.
Oh, don't worry, I'm fine.
No, I don't mean for you.
Unhand my brother, wrongdoer! Ugh! Okay, I'm tangled.
I'm very tangled.
This cape is a deathtrap.
(Sighs heavily) God, this place is quiet.
A little too quiet.
Hasn't been this quiet since the day you forgot to flip the open sign.
Yeah, I didn't notice till five.
But I got a lot done that day.
Maybe we should be closed more often.
No.
What am I doing wrong? Am I missing something? Maybe you should look at your checklist.
- Lights? - On.
Open sign? Flipped.
Dress as pirates.
Well, if it's on the list, I guess we have to.
This one's yours.
- Did you change my checklist? - How'd you know? Well, several things: The handwriting has a distinct left slope; It's in blue ink - I remember using black; Also, I'm not a giant idiot.
Terry, come on, man.
You gotta relax.
Your list was all work, work, work.
But I've added fun things like number seven.
Play 20 questions with Peter? - If you insist! - Yeah, I'm not playing.
I'll get us started.
Alive! 19 left.
I refuse to participate.
It is a woman.
18 left.
What's going on in the parking lot? The answer is wonder woman.
It always is.
Both: (Excited breaths) Terry: Look at all these customers! Peter: And they're headed this way.
Terry, this is it.
This is the moment.
Our moment.
Together.
We're brothers.
Now, more than ever! That one got away on you a little bit, didn't it? I'm just so excited.
Me too, Pete.
Me too.
And welcome to Sassitude.
Shoulda seen that one coming.
To early to drink? It is crazy in there.
Everyone's like, (Whiny voice) Do you have a size 6 in these? No.
Does this come in red? Buzz off! Can you ring this up? What am I, your mother? Why is it so busy, and how do we get that? Word got out about the break-in.
It's been all over action city news; It even bumped the piece about the horse that can do math.
That horse is a fraud.
His long division sucks.
So there is no such thing as bad publicity.
I mean, I can do fractions.
No one gives me a sugar cube.
Let's move on from the horse.
Well, I probably shouldn't just stand here avoiding work.
I think I'll walk around the block.
Pete, are you thinking what I t thinking? Yep.
I'm done with raisins.
What? No, no.
A robbery brought all these customers into Sassitude.
- So - So no raisins? We fake a break-in at our own store.
Terry, you want us to become criminals? I want us to be successful.
Villainy is a slippery slope! Wouldn't you like to be on the news? I don't know - You can wear your cape.
- Let's do this.
Boyd, how exactly did Sassitude get robbed last night? You're supposed to be security.
Boyd? (Snoring) (Startled yelp) Wake up! Oh, wow Wow I just had a crazy dream where I was behind the wheel of my van And you were there; You were trying to wake me up.
No, Boyd, that just happened.
I can see the future.
- That was the past.
- I can see the past! Okay, Boyd, I don't want anymore break-ins at the mall, alright? You're gonna have to start doing your job.
All you had to do was ask.
I'm with ya a hundred percent.
Well, good.
Can't let this happen again.
(Snoring) There you are.
Okay, Terry, I've got it all planned out.
We need to make it look like an inside job.
Well, that might not be the best idea since it will be an inside job.
Oh, right.
Then we need to make it look like we put up a struggle.
- I can shoot you in the leg.
- No.
- The arm? - No.
What if I just graze you? Don't worry, I'll still shoot you, but only a little bit.
Peter, please, don't be ridiculous! Would it be ridiculous to burn our fingerprints off so we leave a a trace? Peter, this is our store.
Our prints should be all over the place.
Oh.
Son of bitch! - Yeah.
- Fine! What kind of break-in do you want? The simple kind: No guns, no capes, get in, get out.
That's so crazy it just might work.
Peter and Terry: (Grunts of effort) Careful.
Careful.
The real crooks aren't careful.
They just smash the door.
Do you know how much this costs? 12 bucks? Wow! That is just so off.
It explains why you're so bad with money.
Real crooks would make a huge mess.
Yeah, but this is our place.
Don't worry, everyone'll just think we were robbed by really considerate crooks who didn't want us to pay for broken glass, so they took the door off the hinges, wiped their feet and left without making a mess.
Peter and Terry: All right! (Victorious laughter) It's clearly the owners.
Let's book 'em.
(Gunshots pop three times) I thought you were gonna book us! What can I say? I hate paperwork.
(Laughs) Let's roll out.
Wouldn't he have to file more paperwork? What? Maybe a little mess is a good idea.
Yes! Okay, let's see Ooh! Thundergut - fighting crime with the power of gas.
That never sells.
Ooh.
Bleeding gums.
This is the comic put out by the dental association.
I don't think so.
Whatever.
Ooh, I'll get the money out of the till.
Oh, there isn't any money in the till.
I bought a burrito.
Perfect.
We're all set.
Peter: Not quite.
What're you doing? I am leaving a nice false trail.
That leads to? You'll see.
Whoa-ho-ho! Yes! Boom! Now it'll look like the burglars spontaneously combusted.
Case closed.
It's like your mouth is just a delivery system for nonsense.
You're welcome.
Hello, Action City News? I think someone broke into our store.
Oh, and your horse is a fraud! So, I understand you were robbed? Yes, it was scary.
But not as scary as our low, low prices.
How do you feel knowing this is the second time this mall has been broken into in two days? Huh? What can I say? It was a shock.
But not as big a shock as our wide selection of popular titles.
Our selection of action figures is so large, - that we actually robbed our own stor- whoa! Heh.
Back to you, action news! I say that.
Back to the newsroom.
We did it.
Excellent choice.
And you have a wonderful day.
Now this is how business is supposed to be.
And all it took was breaking the laws that bind our community together.
Hey, come on.
We robbed our own store.
We didn't even claim insurance.
It's a victimless crime.
Rayna: Yes, sir, Mr.
Matsumoto, I no, I totally agree.
Two break-ins is unacceptable, but What? You don't mean that.
You do? But I would urge you- you look upset.
How do we turn that frown into a date with me? I'd rather have a cup of scalding coffee thrown in my face.
Hmm And On the house.
Sorry.
It's just my boss is going crazy.
One more break-in and someone's gonna lose their job.
Victimless crime, eh? - Shut up, Peter.
- There's always a victim.
Peter: (Chuckling) Hey, guys, taking a break? Oh yeah, we are busy.
We are busier than the president of busy on Saint busyington's day.
Terry: Well said.
Peter: Thank you.
So you guys saw how much publicity we got from our "break-in" and then you mysteriously get robbed.
I don't know what you're implying.
You broke into your own store.
Oh my God, she scanned our brain.
Guard your remaining thoughts! Do you have any remaining thoughts? Do you guys realize how much trouble.
Rayna's gonna get in after the second break-in.
One of which was you.
I'm just saying you're putting all of our asses on the line.
Oh, I love my ass.
All right, both of you just relax, all right? We'll be fine.
As long as we keep our mouths shut, no one will suspect a thing.
(Car doors close) Yeah, it's clearly the owners.
Let's book 'em.
Terry: He's got a gun! Cop: Whoa, whoa! Sorry, sorry.
I gotta go, honey.
Sorry about that.
Just booking my wedding band.
Thinking about going with "The Owners.
" You ever hear of them? Either them or "Inside Job.
" Right.
So, uh, what can we do for you, officer? What's this I hear about you guys being broken into? What? Us? Broken into? That's hilarious.
Yes, we were.
Terry made me do it and I'll tell you everything.
Terry: Be cool.
And you never made an official police report.
You know how suspicious that looks? He thinks we're suspicious! There's only one reason why people don't call the police after a crime's been committed.
Because they're clearly guilty? (Under his breath) Will you stop! No, it's because they've lost faith in the police department.
- And I have.
- Yeah, I mean, who can blame us! I mean, you're never there when we need you.
Our store was just broken into and you haven't even caught us.
Them.
Them.
Them.
You're right.
But I swear to you, on my mother's grave, these crooks will do hard time.
Uh-oh.
That's more like it! Cop: Let's roll out, cookie.
- He seemed nice.
- No, just Rayna: Two break-ins in one week, Boyd? Tonight, I need you to stake out the mall.
Stakeout? Uh, tonight's no good.
I've already made plans: Staying up in my van all night, eating junk food, monitoring the comings and goings of the mall.
That's what a stakeout is.
Well, thing's just got interesting! I told you it's a slippery slope.
Today we're breaking into our own store; Tomorrow we're robbing banks with harpoon guns.
We're not robbing a bank.
Oh really? Then what am I gonna do with this? Give me that! Where did you get this? Craigslist.
The crime spree is over.
All right? The store is busier than ever, Rayna's boss will forgive her, and no one suspects a thing.
Dan: I know what you did.
(Harpoon fires) Ahhh! Dan.
What're you talking about? Oh, I just like saying that randomly to people.
You'd be amazed what they might confess to.
Saw the cops talking to you two.
Is there a new law against being a pussy? Uh, they were just trying to track down the robber.
Oh right, that break-in that you mysteriously slept through, in the store you live in.
That's the one.
Bye-bye.
After Sassitude got robbed, I installed a security camera outside.
It should get a pretty good look at whoever robbed your store last night.
I'll send the tape off to the cops first thing tomorrow.
Nighty-night, pretend grown-ups! Is now the part where we start to panic? - It is.
- Oh good.
(Panicked screams) I can't go to prison! (Panicked screaming) Where's my luggage?! Ahhh! Where's my bags?! How could I think that robbing our store to get press was a good idea? Agh! It sounds like a good idea.
I mean, listen to itâ Rob our store, get press.
I'd go along with that every time.
That should've been a clue.
Just pull yourself together! We've been in worse fixes than this before and you always think of something.
Hello, police? I'd like to turn myself in.
Terry! No, you're being hysterical! You're right.
I'm sorry.
All we need to do is just think this through and work together.
Hello, again, police? Sorry, we got cut off.
Peter: Terry! No! All right, look.
I'm gonna turn myself it.
I'll keep you out of it.
We don't have any other choice.
It's the sensible thing to do.
See, that's the problem.
You're the sensible one, and the time for sensible is over.
Let's get nuts.
What are you saying? Ah, well, you could go to jail, or you could pull one last break-in to get that tape from Dan's store! Break into Dan's store! That's the best idea I've ever heard.
Well, we're doing it anyway.
Rayna: What's in the briefcase? I called in some favours to get backup for tonight's stakeout.
Behold, the Stun-Master 3000.
Take out a 300 pound protestor in a single shot.
Where'd you get this? Craigslist.
I wanted a harpoon gun, but someone beat me to it.
So, who's just a security guard now? I never said you were just a security guard.
I said you were barely a security guard.
Oh.
Sorry.
You know, maybe I'll come along with you on that stakeout tonight.
Just to make sure you don't do anything crazy.
Sure, but I'm taking my stun gun with me.
Uh, I think it might be safer if I held onto that.
(Stun gun crackles) Peter: Here's the plan.
Bernie, you're over here watching the door Terry, you're up on the roof.
Terry: Why the roof? So you rappel down the front of the store with a ninja-like grace.
Terry: Why would I do that? Peter: 'Cause it looks cool.
I'm gonna run a zig-zag pattern through the minefield.
Terry: The parking lot's supposed to be mined now? Peter: Oh yeah! While I plant the plastic explosives, Bernie's gonna distract the guard.
Crotch face! Bernie: Ooh, is he cute? He is, if you find robots cute! Beep-beep.
You will be my flesh-bot.
Terry: And we're done.
Yeah.
Okay, fine.
This only took me 14 hours to make.
But we're done now.
Bernie: And I wanted to see where things were gonna go with this robot.
Guys, I think we need a much simpler plan.
Fine.
Bernie, you create a distraction, while Terry and I go through the front.
Why would I help with any of this? Because if you don't, I'll tell the cops you broke out of your own store.
(Whispers) And friendship.
And friendship.
Fine then.
For friendship.
So this is the whole plan? Almost.
Okay, got the mushu pork, bean curd and rice.
Where should we start? Boyd? Boyd? (Snoring) Son of a bitch.
Boyd and Rayna: (Snoring) Terry: Explain to me again why we're wearing pirate costumes? Because if we get spotted, pirates will take the blame! Also, great things always happen when I'm wearing this costume.
Hey, look! A quarter! Explain to me again why we're wearing pirate costumes? Because if we get spotted, pirates will take the blame! Also, great things always happen when I'm wearing this costume.
Hey, five bucks! (Singsongy) Lucky costume.
Hey, look, a quarter! Explain to me again why we're wearing pirate costumes? Because if we get spotted, pirates will take the blame! Also, great things always happen when I'm wearing this costume.
All right, we're here.
Why'd that seem to take so long? I don't know.
Terry and Peter: Ahhh! Okay Cardboard Dan.
Cardboard Dan.
(Calming exhales) All right.
All right.
Now, to get us in Watch yourself.
Watch.
What's wrong? If we're caught breaking into the store, Rayna will be in serious trouble.
That's because somebody was too afraid to rappel.
Don't worry.
I'll get us in with this.
A little jiggle up, a little jiggle down Oops.
I may have accidentally dropped the card in the store.
There is now a credit card with your name on it locked in the store? Yes.
Never fear, I shall retrieve it with my driver's licence.
Sure you will.
Up and down Oops! Again.
- Didn't see that coming, - yup.
- Third time's a charm.
- Sure.
I will use my birth certificate.
Go for it.
Now it's gone.
And there it is.
Can I borrow your wallet? Both: (Snoring) Pirates! Rayna! Pirates! You're dreaming.
Go back to sleep.
No, look! It almost looks like Pirates! Boyd: God help us, nothing stops pirates.
Lose a hand? They slap on a hook.
Lose a leg? They slap on a peg.
Lose an eye? They slap on a parrot.
Son of a bitch! Don't worry, we'll get everything back using the lease to our store.
Terry: Would you give me that?! Rayna, I am so sorry.
They're breaking in! (Gasps) Just like pirates! Not on my watch.
Time to shiver some timbers.
Let's roll.
(Store alarm blares) Bernie: Booga-ooga! I'm distracting you! Agh! Oh my God.
I just zapped Bernie.
I'll lose my job.
I'll go to jail! I'm ruined! Keep calm.
Keep calm.
Old Boyd's got a plan.
Just gently hand over the stun gun.
Gently Gentle.
(Stun gun crackles, Rayna grunts) (Stun gun crackles, Boyd grunts) Per r and Terry: (Whispering) Go, go, go, go! (Store alarm sounds) Well, we did it.
We got the security tape back.
Yup, my plan worked.
Ah, I'm pretty sure it was my plan.
You wouldn't even have had a plan if my plan hadn't backfired.
What happened to you last night? Well Boyd: (Garbled grunts) It's still a little fuzzy.
Uh, so I didn't know you guys were actually going to rob Sportapalooza.
What do you mean? That was my whole plan.
Uh, my plan.
Uh no, you guys don't understand.
Holy crap! Look what your plan did! Somebody must've seen the broken glass and pulled off a real heist.
The police, they're gonna put a mindworm in my ear and force me to tell the truth.
Peter, pull yourself together! Nobody's onto us.
Dan: I'm onto you.
- Dan.
- Got to admit, boys, pretty ballsy breaking the window to steal that surveillance tape.
Shame you didn't remember to steal the surveillance tape of last night's break-in.
Dammit! I knew you forgot something! What a terrible plan! Nice disguises though.
I couldn't tell it was you 'cause you were dressed up as pirates.
Only I could tell it was you 'cause you were dressed up as pirates.
It does sound like us.
I cleaned out my store.
When the insurance company gets a look at the tape of you boys breaking in, I should make a small fortune, thanks to you two assholes.
You're welcome.
Don't say "you're welcome.
" It's my insurance adjuster now.
Let's see how much I'm gonna make.
You got Dan.
Uh-huh.
I see.
Ha.
Fantastic.
(Phone smashes) Apparently, they don't cover acts of piracy.
Woo hoo! Pirates rule! Now I gotta load the whole store back in from that truck.
- What truck? - My truck.
What? Somebody stole my truck! No.
Dammit! It was right there! Huh.
I guess when you have three fake break-in's in a week, you're bound to attract real criminals.
Damn.
I hate you guys.
Terry: You look exhausted.
I mean, beautifully I'm not gonna save this one.
Exhausted.
I was up all night staking out the mall with Boyd.
Really? Did you catch us? Peter: Them! Terry: Them? Actually Rayna: Ungh! Boyd: (Garbled grunt) They got away.
So no one got fired.
Oh, someone did.
My boss.
I'm sorry? I'm not.
Mr.
Masumoto was a douche.
He wasn't even Japanese.
He just thought it sounded efficient.
That's great news! I can't believe we got away with it.
It truly was the perfect crime.
Cop: I knew it was you all along! Oh no.
Cop: Yes.
I want you to play "I knew it was you all along" as our first dance! Ugh.
Wedding bands - don't get me started.
Uh, can we help you? Yep, solved the crime.
Found these burned boots out by the dumpster.
Oh my God.
Footsteps match the ones leaving your store.
I dusted them for fingerprints, but, ah, there were none.
Yes.
Cop: There's only one explanation: The criminal spontaneously combusted.
Boom! Two for two.
Come on.
Well, thanks for telling us.
Well, I hope this restores your faith in the police department.
Where's my gun? Who's the idiot now? That guy.
Thought you lost another one, buddy.
/i