Almost Heroes (2011) s01e07 Episode Script

Terry and Peter vs. Cupid

Get out of my seat! That's my seat! It's almost 10 o'clock! Actually, it's 10:02.
Oh dear God, move! Hey, hey, hey! You okay? Get out of the way! You make a better door than a window.
Ha! Burn! Terry, you got jacked! You're the worst window I've ever seen! What is with Bernie? It's 10 o'clock.
It's ten o'clock?! Why am I so excited?! What happens at 10 o'clock? New delivery guy.
Everyone looks better in slow motion.
He's not that great.
You think he's hot, Bernie? Bernie? I don't.
I guess there's just something about him.
He's so handsome and charming Oh wow! He's got an ass you could bounce your face off.
I have an ass.
No, that's not an ass.
That's just a hole in your back.
- Come on.
- True.
You have a nasty back hole.
Bernie's going for the old pillar lean.
Whoa! Swing and a miss.
Attractive people have that effect.
Yeah, but he's not that good looking, is he, Rayna? Rayna? Oh, come on! Can you believe how the girls are acting, Peter? Peter? Please don't be out 'Course.
I got a delivery for Sportapolooza? That can't be right.
Yeah, Sportapolooza.
That's a terrible name.
Shut up.
Where's my delivery? Still on the truck.
Then it's not a delivery, is it, Jorge? See, it's only a delivery once it's actually delivered.
What you have is a package on a truck.
Yes, and if you want it off the truck - you gotta move the van.
- What van? Van.
Boyd! Boyd! Boyd, move your van! Why would I do that? I get southern exposure here.
It does wonders for my perennials.
Well, you can't park here.
Where does it say that? It's on the pavement underneath your van.
Here, I'll show you.
Oops! My mistake.
Pepe, get the chair! My azaleas! Wow! That looks amazing.
Yeah, it's for Bernie.
She's gonna need a little pick-me-up.
Oh, me too.
I'm sad about that thing.
I wish I had a chocolaty drink.
I don't know why she always falls for unattainable men.
Maybe because they can walk through walls? That is not what unattainable means.
I just wish there was more we could do, you know? Well, every time we try to help Bernie, it backfires.
Hey, Bernie.
You fell asleep at work.
Remember that haircut you've been wanting? - Surprise! - What? Hey Bernie, I got you a gift card for the salon! You could probably get the haircut you wanted.
Oh my God! Peter, what did you do? Happy Birthday! If it makes her feel better, I happen to know a certain delivery guy who thinks she's quite a catch.
Peter, that's great.
Do you think you can get him to ask her out? Peter? Did you drink the special coffee? Mm-mm.
- Good, 'cause I made it extra hot.
- It's so hot! - Yeah.
Oh well, well, well.
You've never been in the store before.
That's because you're creepy.
I wanna buy these.
New business.
That's why I bought this chair.
Why don't you take it for a spin.
First ride's on me.
Come on, I'll set it to "stimulate.
" Ew! I could be your daughter.
Why isn't this doing anything? I'm just gonna take these As a pervert tax.
Did you unplug my chair? Consider it a warning.
That's what you get when you mess with me.
Check and mate.
Okay Ooh, don't beat yourself up.
Trying to take me on is a classic military mistake.
Like trying to wage a winter land war against Russia, history was destined to repeat itself.
Damn history! One latte, please.
But first, pour yourself a hot cup of sexy times.
Whip cream optional.
Oh my God.
I hear you're fond of delivery guys! Well, step right up And claim your prize.
Uh, what's happening here? I'm delivering your delivery guy.
You do know I meant the hot delivery guy that we were all looking at yesterday, and not the comic book delivery guy, right? I did not know that.
I would never go for him.
Well, "him" would never go for you.
Unless you'd reconsider.
Well then, just know You missed out.
Big time.
Hello, mother, I will be joining you for dinner after all.
A set-up? Do you really think I'm that desperate? No! - Yes! Well I'll show you desperate.
What time is it? Ten? Perfect.
You! Go out with me! Sure! What? Really? Yeah.
I've been meaning to ask you out, but I'm kinda shy.
Pick you up at eight? That sounds amazing.
Great! Looks like somebody's got a date.
- Good for you.
- You're gonna need a haircut! You! Outta the chair! Paying customers only.
I am a paying customer.
Oh, really? So either admit defeat, or I'm staying right here and there's nothing you can do about it.
Not the face! Really? I stand corrected.
That is not good.
Ohhh! Yeah.
There you go.
So? How was the big date? Was it a dream come true? I bet it was! It was magic! Champagne, a helicopter tour of the city, and then dinner at Le Cliché.
Sounds expensive.
I threw it on my credit card.
That's future Bernie's problem.
So you paid for everything? I had to.
Pavel's money's been held up 'cause his Bolivian bank exploded.
Exploding banks.
That's why I keep my money in a sock in our gerbil cage.
We don't have a gerbil cage.
It exploded.
And, we're spending a week in Aruba.
I took care of everything; Airfare, hotels Make sure to give him some spending money! Uh I don't think that's a good idea.
Oh, I'm late.
Time to give Pavel his brand new Rolex! You bought him a Rolex? Apparently, it's the only kind of watch he can wear.
He's got sensitive wrists.
It's a real thing.
What're we gonna do? He's obviously using Bernie and it's all our fault.
Terry, it's just money.
What does it matter who spends what? What did you buy? Miniature grappling hook.
The point is, she's happy.
I just don't trust him.
He can't be bad.
He's tall.
I'm tall.
And you're the best! And look how nice he's being to Candi.
Wait a second Candi's horrible.
Pavel's tall.
Bernie likes Pavel.
I'm hungry.
- Add it up.
- He's a scumbag! What're we gonna do? I have a foolproof plan.
I hate it already.
We video tape Pavel hitting on another woman and then we blackmail him into leaving Bernie alone.
Where do we get the woman? Well, hello, you beautiful creature.
Well, hello to you.
I have oodles of money and I don't know who to spend it on.
Oodles you say? Oodles.
That's my favourite number.
Come away with me.
This is so sudden.
What of your ladyfriend, Bernadette? Oh, I never loved her.
I'm just a scumbag, nobody knows it yet.
Guess what? This is a sting.
I'm not actually a Southern belle.
Well, I am not actually Pavel.
Well, I'm not actually Peter.
Well, I'm not actually Dan.
Why not? Well, that took an unexpected turn.
Or I could come up with a plan that'll actually work.
I love it.
Do you guys know anything about this note? It says "Dear Pavel, it's Bernie.
Meet me in the comic book store at 10.
Don't tell me about this if you see me.
" Signed Peter.
Sounds genuine.
Bernie didn't write that note.
- I did.
- Yeah.
We don't like how you're treating Bernie.
She's a friend of ours and we're not gonna let you hurt her.
I see.
If that's how you feel, then, uh I guess I should just go.
Tell Bernie I said good-bye.
That was easy! We should meddle more often.
Yeah, well, here comes the hard part.
Hey, guys.
Do you know anything about this note - "Me Pavel, you, comic book shop.
Come now.
Peter"? Yeah, I wrote that one in a hurry.
Bernie We need to talk.
About Pavel And all the money you've been spending on him.
Oh, he paid all that back.
Hmm? Okay.
Ah, what we really need to talk about is Pavel and Candi in the parking lot.
Wasn't that hilarious?! He was buttering her up so she'd change my schedule.
Now we can go on that cruise I told you about.
Ah! That's hilarious! So now would be a bad time to tell you that we chased him off? What're you talking about? We thought he was using you, so we told him to go away.
I see.
Pavel! Don't go! You have to stay! Are you sure? I'll kill you! I'll kill both of you! Pretty sure.
Oh, Pavel! You're here! Hi! Bernie, please don't kill your friends.
Listen to Pavel! We love Pavel! Pavel's the best! Hooray, Pavel! They might be crazy, but they care about you.
He's right! We're crazy about you.
So crazy! Look at me! I'm gonna light my hand on fire.
Crazy! Yeah, I'm kinda crazy about you too.
You are? Aw that is so sweet.
In fact, I love you.
Okay, that's a little soon.
Pavel I love you too! Um do you? - Which is why - Oh my God! I was hoping you'd be my wife.
Oh, my God! Say yes! Say yes! Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! It's so beautiful! Come here.
Peter, are you thinking what I'm thinking? That I am never getting married? Thanks for bringing that up.
I can't believe Bernie is gonna marry this guy? She's becoming a woman right in front of our eyes.
Oh, my God, do we have to have "the talk"? She barely even knows him.
She's gonna get hurt.
Bernie, we have to talk.
When a man and a woman love each otr r very much, his penis becomes very angry and- I was not done leaving my message.
I don't like this.
It's all happening so fast.
How will we ever adjust? - Wedding gifts - We're not getting them capes.
Then I'm out of ideas.
Time to check the classifieds.
Is she into casual encounters? "Black widower weaves his web.
" Terry, come on.
We're talking about capes.
No, there's a murderer on the loose.
Oh, my God.
It says here he poses as a delivery man.
Whirlwind romance Huge insurance policy Elaborate killing machine Excellent dancer Why would they mention that? Oh my God, that sounds just like Boyd! No, it sounds nothing like Boyd.
Have you seen Boyd dance? He's like a dream.
Peter, it's Pavel! Don't you know what this means?! God! Boyd is Pavel! No, our best friend is gonna marry a murderer, and it's all our fault.
Oh my God.
We have to stop Boyd! - Pavel.
- Pavel, I know.
I'm just so excited.
Let's go.
Oh, what the? Well, this is the kind of place a Shepherd could happily spend thousands on basketballs, free-weights, ringette sticks, and more.
But what is this? Some kind of massage chair? What a nice treat after a long day of Sheeping.
Nice try, Boyd.
You really think you can fool me with that stupid disguise? Who's Boyd? Bernie, are you here? Yep, be right out.
Thank God, we're not too late.
Oh my God, you look beautiful! Did you get my message? Yeah, I know how sex works.
Wow, you do look Wait a minute, you got a dress already? Well, duh.
If I'm getting married today, I'm gonna need a dress.
I bet you feel pretty silly now.
Uh, today? Why the rush? Oh, some immigration thing, I assume.
Ah, he says he's trying to stay one step ahead of the authorities.
I bet.
Um You need to see this.
Oh my God I can't believe I've been so blind.
Hey, don't beat yourself up.
You two find it so impossible that a nice guy would want to marry me that you're trying to make him look like some What, killer? Nailed it! Ah, we're not just gonna sit by and let you marry this guy.
Well, you don't have to because you're not invited.
Now, get out.
Sorry, Terry.
I'll bring you some cake.
You too! Ah, piss! Why won't she listen to us? She's gonna marry a killer.
Unless we get rock solid evidence, and I know just where to find it.
All right, let's do this as quickly and quietly as possible.
Two men breaking and entering stealthy as ninjas, fighting for friendship Hey! No singing.
Found a passport.
Pavel Baskov.
- Huh.
- You got anything? Nah.
Just a this purse full of bloody knives.
Ooh, and a piece of candy at the bottom.
- Not for long.
- Oh my God, Peter.
This is exactly the evidence we need.
Victory music! Are trying to get us caught?! I'm trying to rock out.
I will simply remove the fuses.
No-no-no-no-no! Run! I got a putter for you so smooth you could shave with it.
I'm wearing an "I hate golf" t-shirt.
Are you an asshole? That's a fair question.
Why are you here? I heard something about a massage chair.
Ha! And they said it wouldn't work.
Why don't you relax, sit down, and we'll figure out exactly what I can sell you.
I'll buy anything you want after a relaxing massage.
So, where is it? Yeah, it's right over Son of a bitch! Well, well, well.
So good of you to join us, Pavel.
Or should we call you the black widower? I prefer Pavel.
As you can tell, the Silver Salmon's not on fire.
That note was just a brilliant ruse.
I didn't get a note.
So, what're you doing here? - Coffee.
- Right.
Well, there won't be any coffee today, only explanations! You see, like all master criminals, you made one tragic mistake.
You left your van unlocked.
I don't think that's a crime.
No, but killing women for money is! Or killing them at all.
Oh yeah, right.
So How do you explain this? Oh! Obviously I can't.
You're not even gonna try? This was way more fun in rehearsal.
You've got me dead to rights.
I suppose you got the police waiting in the other room to arrest me.
Yes? Terry, I think Pavel's the killer.
Thanks, Pete.
Gentlemen, behold The means of your death.
When this champagne goes through this labyrinth, it will drop in the bucket, releasing this wind-up duck, which will waddle over to the candle and then, well, long story short Knives in the eyes.
That is so cool! Yeah! Why don't you just kill us? What? Nothing, no.
This'll probably work.
It's gonna be awesome.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a wedding to attend.
Cheers! Quick! We gotta get outta this.
Not yet, I wanna see how this duck thing go down.
Right! That makes me angry.
- Oh, great.
- Pavel won't like me when I'm angry.
Was it green or just infected? How would you know? Stop screwing around.
Me? Every time I go along with one of your ideas it winds up like this.
Oh, like this? With us taped to chairs in front of an elaborate death machine? Yes, every time.
You're being ridiculous.
It is so gross that you're doing this here.
Why are we doing this here? Can't we wait, plan a real wedding? No! W-we can't wait because I love you so much.
Awww! It is like a hunger deep inside me.
A vicious, violent, all-consuming hunger.
Awww? Heh.
Dearly beloved, we are here to celebrate love.
It comes in many forms.
The love of a man for his woman; A woman for her man.
Or the perfectly understandable love of a man for his chair.
You're a priest? Oh yes, of the church of numerology.
I got it online.
I hate this mall so much.
Now, to conduct this service in the tradition of my church As timed by this dramatic countdown clock.
What's that for? I don't wanna die like this - scared and peeing.
Aw, come on! You're peeing? Not yet.
So this is how it ends? There's so much I wanted to do, so much I wanted to see So much of Rayna I wanted to touch.
I can't let you die like this.
What, you're gonna get us outta this? The next best thing.
Stop it!Ha! Stop tickling me.
No brother of mine's dying scared.
You'll die laughing.
Stop it, Peter! Seriously, I'm gonna kill you! This is my gift to you, Terry.
You son of a bitch! - - - Laugh! Laugh! Aahhh! We did it! We survived! Ahhh! Stop tickling me! Seriously! And, Bernie, do you solemnly promise, in front of this witness Oh, this is like a bad reality show where people marry their pets.
to honour and love Pavel, as long as you both shall live? Oh no, sorry.
It's an inside joke.
Go on.
I - I don't.
- What? You're smart and handsome, but we just met.
I don't really know anything about you.
If you loved me, you'd wait.
But, Bernie, isn't the most important thing that I do love you and that I will always love you until I kill you for the life insurance money? Excuse me? Wow.
That was awkward.
Ahhh Dammit! How're we gonna open the door? - I'm on it.
- Okay.
Agh! Thank you miniature grappling hook! I'm gonna miss Bernie.
And you said this was a stupid thing to buy.
Yes! Come on! Don't do it! Stop the wedding! - Stop the wedding! - Stop the wedding! - He's a murderer! - Pavel is a murderer! Yeah, we figured it out.
- Oh.
- I knew it! Only a psycho would marry you.
Woo! I just won $50 bucks.
You escaped, and I guess by now you've called the police.
Dammit! What's happening? Terry, I can't see! Be my eyes! Wow, there's a lot of pigeons in the parking lot! Say "I do" and sign the hefty life insurance policy.
Don't do it! I think it's a trap! Of course it's a trap! Terry, you gotta see this pigeon! Hi, Dan.
Okay, Boyd, no more games.
I want my chair back, or else.
Never mind keep the chair.
Yes! I owe you $50 bucks.
Carry on.
What? Bye, Dan.
Okay, enough! Enough betting on my life, enough of you two meddling.
Enough of your ridiculous church, and enough of you trying to kill me! Holy crap! Nice punch.
What happened? Did we win? Is she okay? Was it awesome? Yeah.
Terry, this pigeon He's got a French fry in his mouth.
He looks like he's smoking.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Oh, come on.
I gotta see it.
It's like little groucho.
- Look at it! - Oh ho ho! Look at him! That's my fry.
The sad part is he isn't even the worst guy I've dated.
He tried to kill you.
Yeah He's wanted in four countries.
But remember Barry? Oh, the guy with all those freckles? Ugh! They were so creepy.
- Yeah - Nasty.
Sorry your wedding was such a disaster.
Ehn, it wasn't all bad.
I got this kick-ass wedding present from Boyd.
Oof! He said they made "better friends," whatever that means.
Let's get drunk.