Almost Royal (2014) s01e03 Episode Script


1 NARRATOR: This is Georgie and Poppy Carlton.
POPPY: Everybody's taking pictures of us.
Georgie Carlton, lovely to meet you.
NARRATOR: They are aristocratic siblings, 74th and 75th in line to the English throne.
GEORGIE: The British are coming and they're looking for a man called Derek.
How do you do? Have you traveled far? NARRATOR: It was their father's dying wish that his children make a royal tour of the United States of America.
GEORGIE: Very exciting, father.
NARRATOR: A country he loved.
GEORGIE: Die, you American scum! NARRATOR: In order to expand their horizons.
Are you familiar with hard work? -Yes, I'm familiar with the concept.
NARRATOR: Interact with real Americans.
What made you want to become a cowboy, Jay? Was it Toy Story 2 or 3? NARRATOR: Learn about their culture (CHEERING) And give something back.
I hope I don't do a grande shitay in these tights.
That did not go down well.
NARRATOR: To the land of the free and the home of the brave.
Very exciting, about to go into battle.
Oh, God! One, two, three God save the Queen.
Thank you so much for having us.
NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie continue their tour of America, with a stop in Texas, the Lone Star State.
It's actually the home of cowboy boots, cowboy hats, cowboys.
Uh, cows? Boys and hats and boots.
So, if people say it's cultureless, I don't know what they're talking about.
NARRATOR: Arriving in San Antonio, they are looking for a hotel room that befits their royal status.
Will I be able to show you up to the room? -Lovely.
Thank you.
-GEORGIE: Lovely, okay.
(ELEVATOR DINGS) -Be right down this hallway.
Welcome to our Presidential suite.
Right here you have your living room.
-GEORGIE: Oh, okay.
-POPPY: Matching furniture.
-For the middle classes? -(LAUGHING) Yes.
-Three remote controls.
Three remote controls for three TVs.
There are a total of nine TVs in the suite.
In addition to one that's in the bathroom for you.
And have any celebrities stayed here, Chris? Absolutely.
We have had Jennifer Lopez and Eva Longoria.
She's the lady with the fat arse, yes? Anyone called Rick Moranis? No, he's never stayed here.
Shall we move on? And, oh, is this a balcony? Quite often in hotels, you can't open the windows to stop people committing suicide, Chris.
No suicides so far.
But you've not been open very long, have you? Not very long, so there's still time.
-Georgie, are there two? -Yeah.
CHRIS: So what do you all think of the bedroom? -We like it a lot.
-I really like it.
We're not traveling alone, there's three of us.
GEORGIE: We've got our father, who's recently passed away.
I was just wondering where the best place to put him was.
Do you have anything good for ashes? Just to make sure he's safe.
Perhaps you could sit him next to the bed.
It's a bit late for safety, really.
Poppy, are you all right with the bed? Lovely.
I like a story at nighttime.
-Do you do bedtime stories? -This is so nice, Georgie! Do you have bedtime stories? We could do bedtime stories.
-Poppy, would you like to hear a story? -Yeah.
Do you know any stories, Chris? I don't.
Um You could make one up.
-Let's see.
-So there was a horse There was a horse.
And what did it do? That was traveling through the hills.
And where was it going? To the zoo.
Why? To meet the other animals, other horses.
-And what did -The horse ran into the giraffe.
And what did it say? -Nothing.
Then the horse ran into a Fairy princess.
-Did he? -Yes.
What was her name? Chris, say the name was Poppy.
-It's Poppy.
-That's nice.
Good, isn't it? And what was the horse's name? The horse's name was Bob.
-Georgie? I think it's working.
(SIGHS) (WHISPERING) We'll take the room.
(SPEAKING SPANISH) (SPEAKING SPANISH) (SPEAKING SPANISH) I think we're going to get on very well with the Spanish people here, Poppy, in Texas.
NARRATOR: Georgie and Poppy are brushing up on their Spanish as they travel to meet one of the stars of the Texan music genre, Tejano.
GEORGIE: Thank you very much for having us today, Jessica.
Poppy here's got a song, haven't you, Poppy? And now I want a sort of Tex-Mex flavor, but the music, not in the food.
A Tejano flavor, is that what you're looking for? BOTH: Yeah.
I don't know if you want to give us a little clip -of your verse of your song, maybe sing a little bit.
She wakes up It's the morning again She can tell from the clock Gets up Rubs the sleep from her eyes, And she's ready to rock It doesn't sound very Spanish at the moment.
Well, see, that's when I can maybe can come in there and help you and put some Spanish version in it.
NARRATOR: In the spirit of cultural exchange, Poppy is keen to embrace local influences.
And then the And "whoa-oh" is the same in Spanish? -Yeah.
-Let's do it.
Just a humble girl 'Cause I know what I know and I speak from the heart It's a brand new day And no other day Got it wrong.
I stand out from the crowd Got it wrong.
Okay, let's take it from that part where you come in.
And I speak from the heart (JESSICA HUMMING) -Georgie, when it's your turn, you have to go.
-Start singing from there? Yeah.
I misunderstood, okay.
My brain's gone all sticky, okay.
And I speak from the heart JESSICA: You're almost in.
Every day that you live Is like no other day Oh, sorry.
I stand out from the crowd, And so that's JESSICA: You want cut it off? I came in, as well, on her part.
You wanted to be the standout.
GEORGIE: It's 'cause I kept reading.
JESSICA: Another take.
-MAN: Here we go.
One more time.
-Is it your song or my song? Sorry, Poppy.
-You know when I say, "whoa-ah?" -JESSICA: Mmm-hmm? Is there any way we could make that a bit more Texan? I could say something a bit more American? So you want to try singing in Spanish? Yeah.
Yee haw (SINGING IN SPANISH) Big horse (SINGING IN SPANISH) Blue jeans NARRATOR: After spending some time laying down the track, Jessica gives it the authentic Tejano treatment.
JESSICA: I don't know if I can sing it as good as Poppy, 'cause I don't have it memorized, but Mario, do you want me to do my bits, or do you let Jessica do all of them? No.
Just her by herself.
That's just a flat "no" then.
-Here we go.
She wakes up It's the morning again, she can -Can you take that off? -MARIO: Yeah, my bad.
My bad.
-Sorry, I'm like -MARIO: One more time.
They say Whoa (SINGING IN SPANISH) Ooh -Is that good? Okay.
-MARIO: That's good right there.
-Very good.
-It's different.
NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie are touring the Lone Star State, where they have already checked into a hotel.
We have had Jennifer Lopez She's the lady with the fat arse, yes? NARRATOR: And laid down a track.
Is it your song or my song? Sorry, Poppy.
NARRATOR: Now they are visiting taxidermy specialists, Safari life to learn more about a practice that thrives in the state of Texas.
I love animals so much.
I always say that I'm an animal more than a people person.
-I just love eating and wearing them.
Let's go in and meet some dead things.
Straight away, a big head.
Imagine this one, but as a dressing gown or a sort of robe.
I feel like one of those people who works for PETA.
Do I look nice next to the animals? Who's Peter? P-E-T-A.
Protection involving Involving The animals, protecting all the animals.
Hi, Georgie.
Lovely to meet you, Brendon.
I'm Brendon.
-How do you do? I'm Poppy.
-Very well.
-Pleasure to meet you.
You guys ready to learn some taxidermy? -Absolutely.
-Yeah, definitely.
Get your hands dirty, huh? GEORGIE: Oh, wow, look at that.
BRENDON: You should know some of these.
Wow! I've got a handbag like this.
And I used to wear leggings with this print on.
But they weren't very flattering.
This one looks happy.
I think it's happy that this has happened to it, because it's smiling.
-He is sort of smiling.
-Can you make them smile? Or do you have to have the expression that they had when they were shot? And would they ever be quite surprised? Or angry? The African animals, um Different ball game.
This is African.
-That is correct.
-Black and white, isn't it? Probably the animal that everybody knows about.
Just like all the famous people, like Michael Jackson or someone like that.
He's black and white, sort of.
Um, yeah.
So, right here is where we actually put all the animals together.
What you see under the skin is the mannequin.
I couldn't walk around my whole life with these on my head.
It must be a relief to be shot sometimes, because you can just relax for a bit.
Yeah, we like to think that the animals that come through our shop are very fortunate.
We're very passionate about what we do, and it's a very good feeling.
POPPY: So, in a way, it's good for them, isn't it? Absolutely.
Once the skin comes back from the tannery, -its clean.
-I'd wear that.
It's had the chemical process through it.
-I would definitely wear that.
-Oh, yeah? As a cape or something.
At a certain time of the year, the animals go into what they refer to as "the rut.
" -That's when all the animal -I have that monthly.
That's different.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, in any case, we can now go ahead and order the form to fit this animal properly.
Do you ever do people's pets? We do not take any domestic animals.
'Cause I was going to say our dog, Blackie, would have I would have loved that, but father hit him at such a pace that there wasn't much left.
Not much left of him, huh? Yeah, that's normally the case.
I tell you what.
I wish, Poppy, we'd known about taxidermy a little bit earlier.
Otherwise, wouldn't have popped father in the old oven.
Would have got him standing bolt upright in the middle living room, giving burglars a surprise.
-GEORGIE: Hello.
So many people come out to meet us, Poppy.
NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie have been invited to the San Antonio rodeo and are being shown around in advance of the famous cattle auction.
Oh, they've got backs like granny! (COW MOOING) ANTHONY: This is a young, open heifer.
And why is it open, Anthony? Is it an emotional thing or (LAUGHS) Well, it means they're open and ready for business.
They're open and They're open.
They're of age.
Ready for all comers? They're open and probably Very soon ready to breed.
-In England, we would say, "up for it.
" -Up for it.
Yeah, really up for it.
Gagging for it.
I might use that today when I'm selling, say, "This heifer's up for it.
" Yeah.
(MOOS) To become an auctioneer, you've got to practice.
And you can start by saying something like "A big, brown bug" Big, big -A big, big -A big, brown bug.
-Bit a big, black bear.
-Big, brown bug.
-Bit a big, black bear.
-Bit a big, black bear.
Bit a big, black bear.
Three times.
Big, brown bug bit a big, black bear.
Big, brown bug bit a big, black bear.
Big, bown brug bit a big, black bear.
You are ready.
Big, brown bug bit a big Big Big, brown bug bit a bli -Are you a lot smarter than he is or -Yeah.
Big, brown bug bit a big Big, brown bug bit a bl Big, brown bug bit a b It's real simple.
NARRATOR: Before the auction itself, Poppy and Georgie meet cowgirl Stephanie.
Hello, I'm Georgie.
Lovely to meet you.
-Stephanie, nice to meet y'all.
-Nice to meet you, Stephanie.
NARRATOR: To learn more about the rodeo.
So what I do is I'm an ambassador for rodeo in Texas.
This specific rodeo, we have mutton busting for the kids.
It gives them an opportunity to ride the sheep.
It's kind of like an introduction to rodeo.
I saw our grounds keeper, Purkis, riding a sheep once in the, in the lower field.
-Oh, yeah? -At nighttime, yeah.
His wife, um, his wife died, and then he was on his own for ages.
-That's terrible.
-Good distraction, huh? -Yeah.
ANTHONY: We're gonna get into the cow sale.
The grand champion female is lot 27.
(AUCTION CHANTING) One, two 200 dollars One and a half What the hell is going on? Thirthy five? 35, 35.
You get two and a half, Jim? One and a half.
One and a half.
Two and a half.
Three and a half.
-Three and a half.
-What am I doing? (MEN SHOUTING) Yes! What? No, no.
He's trying to catch me out.
Five hundred All in, all done.
I have sold it.
What's he saying? ANTHONY: There is a couple of people that I'd like to introduce to you to today.
I want to get Georgie and Poppy to stand up right over here in the middle of the ring.
(APPLAUSE) GEORGIE: What's he talking about? MAN: The price of the bid.
It's just Is he saying words? Well, yes, but you can't understand the words in between.
All you need to understand is the numbers.
-Does he know what he's saying? -No probably not.
GEORGIE: 'Cause that happened to our grandfather, and he wasn't, he wasn't around for much longer.
POPPY: It's called onset Alzheimer's.
He needs to get a scan.
Get a scan.
ANTHONY: I'm going to sell the semen.
(AUCTION CHANTING) On the semen.
POPPY: Are the people bidding, perverts? (CHUCKLES) No, no.
All in, all done.
I have sold it.
75 dollars.
GEORGIE: You do know what that is? MAN: Yes, sir.
(ALL LAUGHING) Oh my goodness! Look at all those! Oh my gosh! GEORGIE: That's a proper motorcycle gang, Poppy.
I want to do this! NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie are in Texas where they have already attended an auction.
He was a bit like a sort of fun old, old man rapper.
NARRATOR: And met some of the local wildlife.
Or do you have to have the expression that they had when they were shot? And would they ever be quite surprised? Or angry? GIRL: One, two, three, four NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie are visiting a local university for an introduction to campus sports.
POPPY: I've seen everything.
NARRATOR: Here they will learn the ropes with the college cheer team.
Bring your knees all the way up.
And you're going to be in a prep.
How do you choose the tiers.
Is it like a social thing? No.
I'm like a big girl, so I stay on the ground.
The smaller ones go up on the bigger girls.
So it's not to do with how much money your parents have or where you went to school or anything.
-ALL: No! -Not that sort of tier? -No.
This is putting me off.
This is Stay still Boko.
I'm trying to keep my I'm trying to keep my calm, But Boko is -Boko.
-Really getting on my (BLEEP) The thing is, we occasionally have cats on our land, and Purkis, who's our grounds keeper, would just step on the neck.
-Don't be so nervous.
-POPPY: Okay.
-Good! That's good.
-Yes! Keep your knees bent and Straight up, one, two.
GEORGIE: Keep your legs together, Poppy.
That was father's only advice.
BOY: Make a "V!" Make a "V" with your arms! Make a "V!" (ALL CHEERING) GEORGIE: Okay.
One, two.
-Catch her feet.
-(APPLAUSE) -There you go.
-Just like that.
Now you got to hold her on your own.
There you go.
And now smile to the cameras, smile to the cameras.
And now you say, "Go Texas state!" Go Texas state.
And now you just give her a little pop.
Pop! (ALL LAUGHING) Just like that.
-That was good.
-No one's dead.
NARRATOR: After hours of training, they make their way court side to show off their new skills in front of a home crowd.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ALL: Go Texas state! Maroon, gold! Texas state! Maroon, gold! Texas state! Maroon, gold! NARRATOR: Now, they leave the city behind to visit Jay on his dude ranch, where they are going to ride out into the range, cowboy style.
-Are we good? -You look fine.
-I like the shirt.
-Thank you very much.
Sexy cowboy.
That's your costume.
JAY: when you get off and on, um, the horses, you going to get on and off the left side.
The left side's the right side, the right side's the wrong side.
POPPY: Left equals right and right equals left.
Right equals wrong.
The left side is the right side, the right side is the wrong side.
Wouldn't it be easier to get on from the right, and then we could say the right side is the right side.
Okay, to make him turn, it's kind of like driving a car.
This is the steering wheel.
You're going to put your hand out there on the top of the steering wheel.
You're going to lay the reins on his neck, and you're just going to turn.
But never go right? Yes, you can go right.
I thought right was wrong.
That's getting on the horse.
So when you're on the horse, left is left and right is right? Absolutely.
It's the getting on and the getting off part.
And back is wrong.
Okay, all right, um, we're going to bring some horses up here now.
You're going to ride Lightning.
You're going to ride Wild Willy.
Look at my Willy! POPPY: I want to ride Wild Willy.
(LAUGHS) I bet you do! Put your leg over there, straddle the saddle.
This feels wonderful.
One time, when I was 12, I was a girl, and then I went on a horse, and afterwards, I wasn't anymore.
You know? I don't I don't know what to say to that.
When we go out, we're going to have Lightning will be behind me, and then Willy in the back.
GEORGIE: Willy from behind.
POPPY: Perfect.
Is this good exercise? 'Cause I'm trying to lose a pound and a half.
She's not letting us by.
We're going to go around her.
She's a very, very old cow.
-POPPY: Ugh! -GEORGIE: She reminds me of mother.
Stupid cow.
(JAY LAUGHS) What's bareback riding? That's mummy's favorite.
It's kind of hard to stay on the horse bareback riding.
She said it's lots of fun.
But I didn't know she'd ever been horse riding.
What made you want to become a cowboy, Jay? POPPY: Was it Toy Story 2 or 3? It wasn't either.
It was just being out here, the cowboy life, riding horses.
POPPY: But have you seen Toy Story? -I have.
-Great, isn't it? It's, uh It's a good movie for kids.
-Jay, I have a question.
Why do people wear chaps, Jay? Why are they useful? If you're riding in a saddle all day, so that just protects your legs and, um, your clothes.
'Cause our uncle Humphrey used to have parties next to our house, and a lot of chaps would come over wearing chaps.
But they wouldn't have any pants on.
POPPY: Yeah.
And firemen.
-Chaps with no pants? -Yeah.
-Chaps with chaps with no pants? -GEORGIE: Yeah.
I haven't been to those kind of parties.
(HORSE NEIGHS) I feel like I've met my male match, and he is a cowboy man.
On the other hand, I do have quite a sore arse.