Alone Together (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

1 Hello.
I saved you from a walk of shame.
I'll have you know that the walk of shame is an anti-feminist construct, okay? Do I look like I'm in shame? You're not a feminist, you're just too lazy to walk.
I wasn't too lazy to smash with a guy last night who's basically Ryan Gosling.
Hey, Esther, you forgot your night guard.
Man, Ryan Gosling really let himself go.
Chubby hairy guys make me feel skinny and pretty like Rachel McAdams.
Throw it to me! I don't want to touch it.
It's moldy! It's not mold, it's just pesto.
We had barbecue last night.
Just throw it down.
You really have to nudge him to touch stuff.
[WHISPERS] I didn't have an orgasm.
All right.
Thank you.
Sorry.
Well, that was a short walk of shame.
Oh, my God, you're putting that back in your mouth? That's where it goes.
Relax.
The sprinklers were just on.
I thought you just wear that at night.
I've been day-grinding.
I'm stressed about money and Boko Haram.
Boko Haram is not in East Hollywood.
You're fine.
You don't know that.
They could be anywhere.
- Text me, Esther.
- See ya.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Benji.
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry, dude.
Uh this is awkward.
- He's just my friend.
- Oh, all right.
Yeah, just platonic friends.
I'm not a threat or anything.
All right, stop talking to my guy.
- See ya.
- Yeah, see ya, man.
Can we go to the juice place on Third? I want to do a cleanse.
I'm feeling high off my one-night stand.
You know baby voice doesn't work on me.
I didn't just sleep with you.
You want to ask me like an adult? Let's use adult voice with me, okay? Can we please go to the juice place on Third? You're doing baby voice.
Try again.
Cleansing will make me feel skinny and pretty.
[VOCALISTS] Oh oh oh-oh-oh Oh oh ohh What are those? I don't know.
She's so hot.
It's hot girl food.
Thank you.
Hi.
I'll take a green herb detox and the spirulina crisps what are those? Um, is that what hot girls eat? Will they make me glow? - I don't know.
- Right.
Hot girls have secrets, like magicians.
They don't let anyone know.
I'll take five.
I love them.
- Gee.
- What? - That's a lot of chips, man.
- Chill.
Can I borrow 20 bucks? - Are you serious? - I'll pay you back.
How is your family so rich and you're so poor? I'm not broke or anything.
I had my identity stolen, so I need to just borrow some cash.
- Can I get a vitality shot? - Sure.
- Thanks.
- One vitality shot.
- I really like your nose ring.
- Thanks.
I've got a nose for noses that can handle a nose ring.
Most people can't nail it, but you're, like, nailing it.
Just in case this is leading up to asking me out, - I am a lesbian.
- No problem.
I went to a liberal arts college.
I've dated plenty of lesbians, and Wait, you're a lesbian? I am to guys under five-ten.
Oh, okay, we're being mean.
[SCOFFS] You know, shaming a guy 'cause he's short is like shaming a girl for being overweight.
We do that here too.
Well, it's wrong.
Any chance you guys are hiring? - No.
- Got it.
Got it.
[BENJI] Everyone in that juice place was the worst.
[ESTHER] I know.
Ugh.
Is your brother home? I don't think so.
I think he's in Texas buying foreclosed homes.
And he's a monster.
I wish he wasn't so hot.
You have no chance with my brother.
You wear your dad's old boxers.
They're vintage.
You don't know anything about style.
That's really intimate.
I think it's pretty obvious that you have daddy issues.
All the greats have daddy issues.
Mine is just that, you know, I'm a constant disappointment because I don't have a real job or a steady income, and I'm a grown adult.
I DVR'd a Daria marathon.
You want to watch? Yeah, let's do it.
I think it's broken.
Hey, dude, I put on the parental lock so my shows don't get deleted by your stupid cartoons.
Come on, man, I live here too.
[TARA] Wait, this is your brother? Yeah.
And that's his squatter friend.
- I just crash here sometimes.
- Are you homeless? I actually just Airbnb my place for rent money.
There's an oxy addict living on her sofa.
You don't know that.
He's really sleepy.
My God, you guys are so cute.
[BENJI] I like your accent.
Did you guys meet at a youth hostel? We met on an app.
Oh, like a good-looking person app? I mean, I didn't say it.
Oh, God.
So, you guys are not dating? Just 'cause we're both small and undesirable, doesn't mean we should date.
People think we're dating 'cause we sit on the same side of the booth at restaurants.
It's just easier to share food that way.
I'll give you guys $550 each if you guys have sex with each other right now.
I'd rather let an entire Greyhound bus spit in my mouth than have sex with Benji.
No offense.
Okay, well, then, you know what? Maybe you need to get a real girlfriend, instead of whatever Esther is, okay? - You guys have sad eyes.
- [SNIFFS] - Is that a good thing? - No.
Sad eyes is a bad thing.
You said he wasn't here.
Look, I'm having a pool party later, so, why don't you guys you can come.
Uh, it might be fun, you know? Alia's gonna be there.
Your sister's gonna be here? We gotta go to the party.
You guys look like you could use some sun.
I mean, you look like a sick glow worm.
[TRUCK HORN HONKS OUTSIDE] Your racing fuel is here! Oh, yes! Yes! I been rollin' around on 91 octane like a frickin' normy! [LAUGHS] Anyway.
Benji, Benji, Benji, Benji.
If I get a job working for your sister, it will change my life, okay? Her and all her employees, they know all the hot girl secrets.
Esther, you eat bread bowls.
You're not gonna, like, blend in with them.
Dude, her fashion company is everything.
I heard about a girl uglier than me What? Listen to me.
I heard about a girl uglier than me who got a job working for her.
Now she's hot, with 300,000 Instagram followers.
Esther, they don't even have clothes that fit you.
How are you gonna work there? I'm just gonna mention that I have a charged laptop, and I'm gonna use my fake personality I learned at improv class.
Do you know what I'm saying? It's like, I love fashion, and, like, I love clothes, and, like, I love your top.
I'm screaming.
Terrifying.
Mm-hmm.
[MUSIC PLAYING] Okay, I'm ready to go.
Esther, you can't wear that to a pool party.
This is the most stylish thing I own.
You look like a Syrian refugee.
I'm not taking fashion tips from a guy in basketball shorts.
You don't know anything.
I get that I'm not a fashion person, but I know my sister really well, and she's gonna think you're trying too hard.
Is that better? Do you have an actual bathing suit? I do, but I got it at the Comedy Store lost and found, so it doesn't fit right.
- Oh.
- Which pose? This? We are the ugliest people here.
Yeah, that's true.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION] which means it's not vintage.
Something smells like cheese and onions.
Baby bro.
Hi, Sarah.
'Sup, sis? Hey.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God, I love your bikini pattern.
It's like everything is so OG.
Mm, thank you.
Yeah, no, thank you.
Thanks for having us.
Um, by the way, my name's Esther.
You should hire her.
She has, um, small hands, and she can fix sewing machines.
I was like almost a model for American Girl doll catalog, but I had a mustard stain on my cuticle.
Your adorable.
I love your hair.
Oh, my God, thanks.
I don't wash it because of the draught.
Esther's way of being cute is, like, not trying.
She's lazy chic.
I am actually not lazy at all.
Um, do lazy people put fruit in their water? They don't.
[CHUCKLES] I'm screaming.
Please hire her.
She'll work hard, and, like, you don't even have to pay her much.
You're, like, so thirsty.
I'm sorry, he's so thirsty.
Like, I just drink a cup of water, I'm good.
[LAUGHTER] Yeah.
Esther has a permanent fat wrinkle on her stomach, and we call it her equator.
Oh, my God, that's so embarrassing.
I'm gonna go get a refill.
He's good.
Everyone's good.
Good, good.
Dude, what are you doing? Why are you making fun of me? Bye.
[BENJI] You look good today.
You don't get it.
I was trying to be funny.
Watching you talk to hot girls is like watching a white person try to explain why all lives matter.
[BENJI] All you do is pick on me.
They bicker like an old couple.
[CHUCKLES] I know.
They should just, you know, they should just date.
I know.
Millennials, they don't date.
They don't even sex.
They just flow through life, too distracted by how lonely they really are.
- You're a talking penis! - You're a talking penis! - You're a talking penis! - You're a talking penis! You're a talking penis.
Everybody here thinks you're a talking penis.
All right, I need to get you away from me, okay? I need alone time with your sister.
I'm gonna find you a girl to talk to, got it? All right, she's in long pants, so just give it a try.
Miss Chanel is the way to go.
Hey.
Sorry to interrupt you.
Super rude, I get it.
This is Benji.
This is his house.
Wow.
That is so cool.
[CHUCKLES] I'm Charlotte, so Wait.
That's such a cool Céline bag.
Oh, thanks! This is a work gift.
Are you serious? What do you do? I'm a nanny.
Whoa, lucky.
I was a nanny, and all I got was a little boy's old shoes.
So, you live here alone, Benji? Yeah, yeah.
I mean, kind of.
I-I let my poor friends crash here.
That's really kind of you.
That's my thing, kind.
Everyone's always like, "You're so kind.
" - Take her on a tour, stupid! - Yeah, stupid! I love the way you called me stupid! Oh, okay.
See ya.
I'm the best wing man.
[GASPS] Yes, thank you.
No offense, Alia, but I can't eat any of this food.
Yeah, it's so unhealthy.
I know.
I wanted to get, like, fun party food.
I didn't realize it was gonna be something none of us would eat.
[GIRLS COMPLAINING] That's Allen Iverson.
He's small and mighty, like me.
- Good show.
- This is my Nolan Ryan rookie card.
It's probably the most expensive thing I own.
He was a Met.
A lot of people don't know that.
Do you like baseball? Mmm I like Laker floor seats.
Okay.
That's something else.
Wait, who are those ladies that I saw you hanging with before we met? Oh, that's just my sister and her employees.
She runs this fashion company called Vindication.
What? Wait, your sister is Vindication? Yeah, she started it, she runs it.
She makes the clothes.
It's all her.
It's just like my favorite brand ever.
I wear them, like, every single day.
She made me business cards that say I'm vice president to help me meet girls do you want one? [CLEARS THROAT] - Mmm hi.
- Hey.
I'm Benji, vice president of Vindication.
Third quarter projections are looking healthy.
You know I'm not really, like, the vice president of Vindication.
- She just made me business cards.
- I don't care.
You're so cool.
Okay.
Cool.
Vivian, come on, your perfume is getting in my mouth.
I want to smell you, not taste you.
Hey, do you guys like spirulina crisps? I feel like the food here is just not edible.
Um, Edna for the win! Yeah, I, like I'm obsessed.
I can't leave my house without these.
I eat them all the time.
- Mmm.
- Also, my name is Esther.
So, I heard you're hiring, which is crazy 'cause like, I'm pretty free.
Hey, Al, meet my friend Charlotte.
It's so cool to meet you.
I just love your top.
Thank you.
I've actually been dying to talk bikinis with someone.
Yours come on, it's just - What's going on? - Wait, what do you do? I'm nannying right now, but I'm actually just dying to get into fashion.
Oh, my God, you're perfect.
You should come in and talk to me.
I've been looking for someone just like you.
It's actually really good to have experience cleaning up vomit when you're dealing with models.
Awesome! Yeah, I would love that.
Should I come in too? [SQUEALING CONVERSATION] What just happened? I think I just got my first non-summer camp girlfriend.
Do you think she was talking to me? I don't think anyone was talking to you.
Oh, hey.
Why are you wearing your prom shirt? Charlotte and I are going to Mastro's.
- Are you serious? - Yeah! Ooh, you're so happy.
It's so annoying.
What's the problem? I want to go to Mastro's someday.
I want to try filet medallions.
So save up money, go to Mastro's.
[SCOFFS] Charlotte.
First my dream job, then my dream entree.
- Are you still mad about that job? - Yeah.
Why don't you just try to find something more in your wheelhouse? Have you thought about, like, being a notary or something? - What's up, guys? - Hey, Jeff.
What's up, bro? How you doing? Good to see you.
Oh, wow, we're hugging.
You know I don't like hugs.
- I know, that's why I do it to you.
- You need affection.
My parents didn't give me hugs.
It's weird for me.
- Adjust.
- Okay.
Let me ask you a question you goin' to a funeral? What's up with that shirt? You sitting shiva? All right.
I taught him Jewish stuff.
Make fun of the guy trying to find true love.
Thanks, guys.
See you later.
Thanks.
Benji's going on a date with a girl who only likes him 'cause he lives in a nice house.
Oh, I only like Benji - 'cause he lives in a nice house.
- I know.
Same.
I don't know.
Something doesn't add up about that girl.
Why? That Miss Chanel she nannies for must be crazy rich if they gave her a Céline purse.
I nannied for a rich family for two years, and my bag is still a reusable tote.
Um, Miss Chanel's not a person, it's an escort website.
- Shut up.
Are you serious? - Oh, absolutely.
So, that's that's an escort he's about to get dinner with? He's gonna go on a date with an escort.
I need to tell him, like, immediately.
Aw, don't ruin it for him.
He's gonna have some really good escort sex.
Jeff, don't be disgusting, okay? That's so criminal.
I don't like to criminalize sex workers.
How do I prove it to him? He'll never believe me.
He thinks I'm jealous of him.
You can't see the ladies' profiles on the website unless you're a subscriber.
I don't even have a working credit card right now.
- I don't know how I'd sign up.
- I know what you can do.
Make yourself a profile.
Okay.
You'll be like an escort and you can see the women that way.
Right, that's safe.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
No one's gonna hit me up.
I mean, I would.
I like fat guys.
This is going nowhere.
- You're a real hero.
- I know.
- [BENJI] Good morning.
- [ESTHER] Good morning! Hey there! I have to talk to you about something.
Charlotte's not a nanny.
What are you talking about? She's an escort.
Miss Chanel isn't a person.
It's an escort website.
I mean that could be anybody.
The face is blurred out.
Benji, same hair, same height, same exact silver handbag.
Oh, no.
Same Ohio State tattoo.
[TEXT INDICATOR PLINKS] She's three out of five stars.
That's crazy.
Like, she seemed five-star to me.
I don't have any basis of comparison, but Who are you texting? Take a minute to process what's going on.
[SIGHS] This is the worst.
I know, it is really rough, but you have to end it.
I can't just end it.
She smells like tangerines.
It's apricot, and this is serious, okay? You're not the kind of guy that can roll with shady people.
What if a pimp shows up here and demands money? You won't know what to do.
- That's crazy.
- Is it? Is it crazy? Do you even know what a shank is? It's street talk for "knife.
" You know what now that I know she has a dark side, I'm kind of into her even more.
It's like dating Catwoman.
If she's here, she'll use the laundry machine, our underwear will touch, and I'll get HPV.
Everyone has HPV.
I don't have HPV, and I'm the last one without it.
It's a selling point, and you know I don't have many of those.
I never get to make out with anybody.
I haven't done under-the-pants stuff with a girl since my ska band broke up.
This is sad.
I thought this would be fun, but it's just sad.
Yeah, that's fine.
Oh.
Oh, wait a minute, there's more.
Oh, that looks delicious.
Thank you.
Is this too much food? I feel like I over-ordered.
No, no, no, no.
You are a growing girl.
- You need to eat.
- [SIGHS] Thanks.
I've just been stressed lately 'cause I have this friend and he won't listen to me, and I feel like it's getting in the way of me getting a real job.
Well, I mean, you're a standup.
That's a real job.
[SCOFFS] Not to my dad.
He says I'm failing 'cause by my age, Amy Winehouse was already famous and dead.
That's nonsense.
Amy Winehouse was not an artist.
- Really? - Oh, no.
Ooh, God.
Yeah, all my jokes are really personal and about me.
Can I hear one? Sure.
The name Esther isn't, like, really for a hot girl, so I feel like I'm "Esther pretty.
" That's, like, as pretty as you can be with the name Esther.
[LAUGHING] [COUGHING] Okay, no eating during joke time.
[BOTH LAUGH] Do you really think it's that funny? My God, that's brilliant.
It's so cool to talk to you 'cause I just, I don't know sometimes I think I'm a loser 'cause I only own one towel.
Well, I could take you shopping after this, unless you think it's weird.
Are you kidding me? If I was home in Illinois right now, that's exactly what I would be doing with my dad, so of course that's not weird.
Good.
In that case, I want you to have some of this soup.
- Yes, please.
- Mmm.
Mmm-hmm.
I'm glad the job's working out.
Yeah, I love it.
I've been getting tons of free clothes, but I always get free clothing.
Yeah, I have older siblings too.
Oh, your lift is here.
Wait.
- What? - [ESTHER] Thank you so much.
- Okay, you got everything? - Yeah.
Okay, thanks for a great evening, Esther.
- Listen, I'll PayPal you.
- Got it.
Melting gelato.
Gotta run.
[CHUCKLES] [BENJI] Who was that? Oh, my God, I totally know that guy.
He used to go out with my old coworker.
He bought her a Vespa, which is pretty cool.
Like, a nanny coworker? Yeah.
Melting gelato? When do you not finish your dessert? You're such a hypocrite.
What are you talking about? You acted all worried about me for dating Charlotte, but what's more dangerous than being an actual escort? - What do you mean? - Charlotte recognized that guy.
She's worked with him before.
All we did was eat mac and cheese, and he got me a shower caddy.
- That's it.
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
You're ruining your family name for free bathroom essentials.
Don't judge me, okay? I only got into this to protect you.
Protect me? You could literally get your head cut off! Oh, come on.
Warren's not cutting anyone's head off, not with his rheumatoid arthritis, okay? Esther, I'm scared for you.
You weigh, like, 99 pounds.
- You think? - Don't be cute.
When guys give girls money to hang out with them, they're going to feel entitled to things.
There's no sex involved.
I've seen you eat mac and cheese.
It's very sexual.
That may be true, but you know what? I have everything I need from this, okay? Money to pay down my student loans, and emotional support from a baby boomer.
Let me be.
What happened to the Esther I used to know? Hannah Montana Esther is dead.
Welcome to Miley.
You should just go.
I'm done with you.
Just don't tell my sister anything.
I told your sister about Charlotte.
She's probably fired her by now.
Peace.
That's okay.
Me and Charlotte have a strong love.
Doesn't matter if she loses that job.
[ESTHER] Yeah.
Your sister fired me.
Damn it! I hate her.
My sister.
I hate my sister.
I don't know.
I'm so upset.
Will you just console me? Come lay with me, tell me all about it.
I don't want to, like, sit and watch cartoons with you, okay? "Console me" means, like, buy me a present.
Ohh.
Okay.
Here's the thing with presents.
You look like someone who deserves presents.
- I want to give you presents.
- Thank you.
The thing is, is that I'm not gonna see my parents for a couple of days, and that's when I get my fresh round of gift cards.
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go.
Don't go, don't go, come on, please don't go.
- Come on.
Um - [GROANING] What? There's a ton of leftover booze from the party.
We can make mixed drinks or something.
That sounds fun, right? [CARTOON MUSIC PLAYING] - Okay.
- Yeah? I'll have a vodka cranberry and you have a vodka vodka.
Vodka vodka vodka.
It's a Fozzie Bear joke.
I don't I'll make our drinks.
Okay.
Living in L.
A.
Is so intimidating.
All the girls are so pretty.
I have to drive to Van Nuys just to take a spin class.
Come on, Esther, I will not let you talk about yourself like that.
You are a young, beautiful girl.
And my cheekbones you can see them? Are you kidding? Ray Charles can see those cheekbones.
I don't know who that is, but he sounds so nice.
Honestly, Warren, you've been so supportive of me.
I just don't want you to ever doubt yourself.
I guess.
Pinky swear.
Okay.
[GASPS] What are you doing? - Eww! Aah! - Wha wha wha wha! Ugh! I thought we were feeling the sa Where the hell did I park my car? Wake up.
Benji, wake up.
Hey, I've been day-drinking.
I'm really, really creeped out right now.
The old guy I met online who paid me to eat macaroni wearing sweatpants turned out to be a total creep.
Really? [SIGHS] I can't believe I'm saying this, but I should have listened to you.
Well, firstly, you've got to stop dating guys who have 12-year-old girl fetishes.
- It's really hard.
- Look, man, you just gotta accept it you're not a fashionista, you're not an escort, you're an Esther.
Wait, where's Charlotte? We're supposed to go to the farmer's market like tall couples do.
- Charlotte! - She's not here.
The house was empty when I got here.
Oh, my God! My baseball card is missing! Did Charlotte rob you? You're victim shaming me.
Benji, relax, okay? Look, one day your trust fund's gonna kick in, and you'll meet someone who likes you for you.
Thanks? Let's just promise that we're not gonna do any more escort stuff and move on with our lives.
You're right.
We're done with escorting.
- Okay, fine.
Right.
- We're done, right? Are you sure this is a good way to get over Charlotte? You're gonna find love with an escort come hell or high water.
I'm kinda nervous.
I got the cheapest one.
I hope she's pretty.
Hi, I'm Alicia Silverstein.
I'm here to meet Nolan.
Ugh.
[LAUGHTER] The two of you were meant to be together, like O.
J.
And jail.
The universe is gonna get what it wants.
I like your sex worker outfit.
Thank you.
I like your Eddie Munster costume.
Did you rob an 11-year-old? Is that where you got this outfit from? You rob a slutty 11-year-old? This is what I've always wanted to look like.
- Is it really? - Yeah.
You look like the Jewish version of Annie, the musical.
That's actually way that's crazy, 'cause that is literally what you look like.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY] [LAUGHING] That is so insane, 'cause that is you.
- Can we go? For real, can we go? - No.
These nachos aren't gonna travel.
This is $30 worth of food.
I'm not letting it go to waste.
I'm from the Midwest.
We don't waste food.
Well, if we're gonna be here forever, I found this shady European website, and you can stream episodes of Daria for free.
Sure, I'm down.
Are we gonna die alone? You know, I've put a lot of thought into that, and yeah.
Right.
Well, you know what? Small talk with dying people is super uncomfortable anyways.
I know.
When my nana was dying, out of habit, I was like, "How's life?" She, like, died, like, an hour later.
Life was sixty minutes.
[LAUGHING]