Alone Together (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

Road Trip

1 Benji.
Hey there.
You've been sitting like that for five hours.
Should we do a quick bed sore check? Okay, I saw your Instagram post of a picture of an aquarium with the #dreams, #oneday and should we talk about this? I'm manifesting my fish tank dreams on social media, okay? Just leave me alone, please.
Okay look at me.
You're obviously depressed, okay? You're only eating salads, you're posting aquariums on Instagram, and as your unofficial legal guardian, I cannot in good conscience leave you here.
Esther, those are turbo snails.
They don't talk back.
They clean up after themselves.
They don't salad shame.
That's what I'm looking for right now in terms of friendship.
Okay, speaking of friendship, one quick sec.
Happy birthday! Whoo! [BLOWS HORN] Happy birthday, Benji.
It's your birthday! Of course I remembered.
You thought I forgot.
Look, get up.
We gotta do something.
Get up.
- You can't just sit here.
Get up.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! No.
Look, man, I'm burnt out on Benihana birthdays.
They throw the shrimp at me.
I can't catch it.
I have no neck dexterity.
It's tough.
No, this ain't no Benihana birthday, Benj.
We have very special plans because I am opening up at a show in Berkeley and there's enough stage time for my friend, Benji, to come with and perform, too.
[SCOFFS] I mean, that sounds fun but I lost a nug of weed in my duffle bag and I think a TSA dog will find it.
We're not flying.
This right here is a birthday road trip! Road trip all the way to Berkeley? - Yeah.
- Pass.
You can't pass on a gift, okay? It's gonna be so much fun.
It's gonna be your first birthday road trip and my first anytime road trip.
How have you never been on a road trip? Isn't that the official vacation of poor people from the Midwest? It is, but my parents always told me that they did all the good road trips before I was born.
[SIGHS] Well, I'm probably just gonna sit around all day anyways, so might as well have the scenery change? Yes! Oh, my God, it's gonna be so much fun.
The music, the snacks, the secret scary stops.
The punch buggy.
No punch backs.
- Did I do that right? - No.
You're gonna have the best time because it's your birthday.
And doing a comedy set on your birthday is the best thing ever 'cause audiences feel bad for you and they'll give you free laughs all night.
Come on, I'm above cheap happy birthday laughs.
That's the equivalent of humping a stool on stage.
Well, I personally don't think you're above anything, but we could talk about that later.
Do whatever you want.
Let's go.
- You have to drive.
- Ugh.
- What? - You always make me drive, dude.
I know, but think about this.
You are in control.
You're in the literal driver's seat, all right? You choose if we live or die.
Your arguments don't get more convincing just 'cause you don't stop talking.
You know, we can't even stop for snacks if we're dead, so your position is the most important.
Jeff, you're coming? Hell, yeah, man.
Come on, birthday road trip.
Oh, my God.
This is so cool.
- Right? - Yeah, it looks great.
It's probably gonna cost like 200 bucks to detail this out, but whatever.
Okay, well, I won't pay that.
So, uh, what's this gig about? Oh, so I'm headlining a club up there because I went to Berkeley and it's alumni weekend.
I'm kind of a UC Berkeley legend.
How can you be a legend? You dropped out.
Excuse you! I got kicked out because I pooped on a plate and put it in the College Republicans' fridge.
I never paid for a single beer since.
- I like that.
Respect, dude.
- Thank you.
Uh, you guys didn't pack any bags.
Oh, um, we pack really light.
So, let's do this.
I would at least bring sheets or something.
These comedy hotel places are gross and everything's covered in mono.
- [ESTHER] Yeah.
- But it's free.
- Hey, hey, wait a second.
- What's up? Um, why does he think we're spending the night? Oh, my God.
I got so distracted by planning the perfect road trip that I forgot to type up the itinerary.
Oh, all right, but you did tell him that we pocketed the money from the hotel, we're not staying, and that we're driving five hours back tonight, right? No, I didn't, and it just seems like a weird time to have that conversation now.
No, it seems like a great time to have this conversation.
No, um, here's the thing, Jeff.
Benji's going to have so much fun on this road trip, that he isn't even gonna want a hotel because at this point, a hotel would be - merely an interruption.
- Huh.
That was really convincing.
The trick is to move your hands a lot.
- Oh.
- All right.
- I got vertigo.
- Let's do it! Okay, so you guys are so lucky right now.
I have had this mix forever and I made it in seventh grade for our class field trip to our state capital Springfield, and I never Well, actually, I couldn't go because I have, um, I had teen onset parental attachment disorder.
- Oh.
- Yeah, so please, [SING-SONGY] get ready! [ALL THE THINGS SHE SAID BY T.
A.
T.
U PLAYS] All the things she said, all the things she said Running through my head, running through my head Running through my head - [MOUTHING WORDS] - All the things she said Running through my head Running through my head, all the things she said Yes, live through it.
[SINGING] Not enough Okay, I'm sorry.
This has to stop.
This has to stop.
I'm trying to drive.
You guys, I'm sorry.
I made this mix perfectly timed out so that we would get to Powell's Chicken Palace right on time for early dinner, which the Dutch call supper.
I bet you didn't know this would be an educational road trip as well.
I don't think that's true, but I love your confidence.
Ooh, I've heard of Powell's.
They're supposed to have the best chicken ever.
I know.
I planned the perfect road trip.
Honestly, we have so many good things planned.
We're gonna go to an ostrich farm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Which is a little bit scary but we'll just get a few Instagrams, and then we'll get out.
We have Dodo's Donuts which is world-famous donuts no big deal.
Honestly, it's an embarrassment of Richards.
Do you know what you just said? You just said an embarrassment of Richards.
No, I said we have a lot of good options.
Unh-unh, how many Richards? Yeah, how many Richards exactly are we talking here? - You guys.
- Dreyfuss, Petty? Move on.
-Well, speaking of places we should go, I heard about this place off the five, and it has a banana split where they use banana ice cream with it.
It's bananas on bananas.
I love bananas.
-Look, we'll discuss it later, okay? Right now I actually have to pee really, really badly.
Do you have, like, a bottle back there? - What do you got? - Let's just hop out and pop a squat like God intended.
[SIGHS] Fine.
But let the record show that this don't count as one of your birthday presents.
[BENJI] Careful, careful.
These are brand-new New Balances.
Look, man, it's pee.
It goes where it goes.
It's totally a myth that women can't aim their pee.
Come on.
You know what I was thinking? Tomorrow if we leave around 10 a.
m.
for LA, we'll catch a really gnarly, sort of pollution sunset.
[ESTHER] Yeah, okay.
Oh, you know what? He's peeing, you're peeing, I'm probably dehydrated.
I need water.
Okay.
Come on, now, we have to tell him.
He thinks we're spending the night.
- I will murder you.
- Come on, it's his birthday, for God's sakes.
I'll poison you, and no one will know that I did it, and the most you can hope for is a Dateline special with a tips hotline at the end.
I'm not afraid of you, Esther.
I'm gonna tell him right now.
- Then we'll see what you do.
- Uh, mm-hmm.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, what's up, dude? - Hey.
- I just wanted to say thanks for bringing me on this road trip.
It's probably my funnest birthday ever.
Not really a birthday person, - so I appreciate it.
- [ESTHER] Cool.
- Okay, let's ride.
- Hey, I'm still working Come on, now.
Supposed to be looking out for me.
I'm so glad you talked me into getting the fried chicken.
- It's so good.
- Mm-hmm.
Grilled chicken just tastes like lonely-people food, you know? Yeah, man.
Checking this off your list is gonna give you a high you'll never forget.
It's gonna carry you for weeks, no matter what happens.
Hey.
- [JEFF] Hey.
- Esther, you have to try this chicken.
It's crazy.
Yeah, Jeffrey, can I have a quick adult chat with you? Um, seeing as I'm the only adult here, - I respectfully decline.
- Mm-hmm, it's birthday surprise related.
- Okay, now.
- So let's go.
-You ain't gotta put your hands on all right.
What? How could you let him eat fried chicken and drink beer? He was supposed to get what he always gets.
Grilled chicken and water.
Esther, it's his birthday, okay? Not dinner time at a POW camp.
I don't see what the big deal is.
Jeff, if there's one thing you're supposed to know about Benji, it's that he always needs to take a shower after he eats fried, greasy foods, okay? The only reason he did that is because he thinks we have a hotel to go shower in after.
I don't think even Benji's that crazy.
- See for yourself.
- Okay.
Hey, Benj, I got a great idea.
How about after we leave this ostrich farm, we go straight to the show? Does that sound cool? Oh, absolutely not.
I have to get to the hotel and wash off this fried chicken, you know? The booze, the fried chicken.
That's my thing to wash it off.
That's right.
That's your thing.
- Jeffrey, what's going on here? - It was her, okay? It was her.
It was her idea the whole It was all Esther, and I'm like a hostage, man.
I was scared for my life.
Listen, I didn't want nothing to do with this.
- Jeff, shut up.
- Esther, what's going on here? Don't make me take away the Postmates password.
Benji, there is no hotel.
What? There's no long, steamy shower before the show? I'm covered in a thick layer of food grease, guys.
I'm supposed to shower off my mistakes.
This was like 3,000 calories.
[SCOFFS] But totally worth it, right? 'Cause it was good chicken.
Guys, what did you do to me? New low.
Lying to me on my birthday.
Benji, let me explain, okay? I didn't wanna see you wasting away on your birthday like Miss Havisham's rotting wedding cake.
What? Guys, I had mono in junior high and I read a Dickens book.
- No, you didn't.
- Okay, I heard someone make the reference recently and I wanted to sound cool.
Look, there's no hotel which means there's no shower.
And if there's no shower, I can't perform.
You knew this about me.
Yes, and we also knew that if we told you that we had no hotel, you never would've come with us and up until this point you've been having the time of your life.
You have to really ask yourself have I ruined your day any more than I usually do? I feel like the answer is no.
Yeah, you dragged me across California.
Do you have to take a full shower? Could you just take a wipe bath and be cool? No, it can't be a wipe bath.
What am I, French? Look, my nanny, Marisol always washed me after meals and this is my life now.
I need a shower.
I was just trying to be a good friend.
You watched me pack a night bag knowing I wouldn't even need it.
And Jeffrey, dear, old Jeffrey.
You were in on this.
I expect it from her, but you? You went to church as a kid.
Yeah, man, but come on, nobody got hurt.
Let's just move on.
What do you mean no one got hurt? I'm hurt.
This is me hurt.
I'm expressing myself.
- Hi, I'm hurt.
- You need to realize that there are different levels of lies, okay? And all this was was a lie of omission.
That's all the way down here, and then you've got half-truths, JKs, big, little lies, little, big lies.
Okay, you can't get the same amount of mad for all those.
You just can't.
Look, guys, I'm gonna get a fancy hotel and you can't stay with me and you can't come in my car.
- We're done.
- Hey, hey, you know what? If you're looking for some recommendations I know a boutique place real close to here that has a bocce court in the back.
Every hotel in Berkeley's sold out.
[SIGHS] Alumni weekend.
I'm leaving.
Look, there's a gym close to here, and it's got day passes and everything.
You can take a shower there.
What's the body wash situation at that gym? [SCOFFS] [JEFF] I'll get you body wash for your birthday.
- Problem solved.
- Fine, let's go.
- [ESTHER] Fine.
- Great.
[ESTHER] Benji, come on, okay? You said you were just gonna shower and then we would go.
I got a day pass.
I'm getting my money's worth.
You should exercise, too.
Cardio is a great stress reliever.
Jeffrey, whose side are you on? I don't know.
I mean, I don't even care.
I just wanna get to the show, all right? I wanna I wanna end this thing.
And just so you know, Benji, you took too much time working out here.
We're not gonna make it to all our stops.
We're gonna have to make some really difficult decisions.
It's not my problem, liars.
- Ugh.
- Hey.
Be quick, okay? And just wash your hot zones.
This is a disaster.
What's up? Hey, what's up? You seem down, little buddy.
I'm just, uh, I'm just washing my hair.
- I'm okay, man.
- [LAUGHS] Nice try, dude.
Don't lie to me.
Okay, I'm a body language expert.
Helps me out in the courtroom.
You new here? I work out here all the time.
Never seen you.
What's up? - It's a long story, man.
- Yeah? Well, I gotta shave up, so all I got is time.
Hit me.
All right, so it's my birthday, and Happy birthday! Everybody, this man's birthday is today! - Whoo! - Thanks, dude.
Yeah, I'm not usually a birthday person.
I really don't even care about them.
- Uh-huh.
- My friends invite me on a road trip, all the way from LA [GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING] So, I don't know.
They're dicks.
But maybe I'm overreacting.
No, unh-unh.
On your birthday.
This is the one day you can celebrate you.
[SIGHS] Feelings are feelings.
Okay? And that is the realest thing I've ever told anyone.
Yeah.
- Great.
- I like that.
- Thank you.
- Take it, man.
Happy birthday.
That's my gift to you.
Thanks, dude.
[SINGING] Happy birthday to you [LAUGHS] I mean, I'm just saying that no matter what, going to an ostrich farm is a more unique experience.
Okay, well, going to Dodo's Donuts is a more delicious experience.
Plus, Jeff, I googled "ostrich bite" and what I saw really scared me.
They don't have teeth.
It's just like - Like that.
- That hurt.
- Oh.
- Hey, guys, let's go.
Great, we are back on schedule.
We just decided we're gonna go get donuts.
Actually, there's been a change in plans.
Decisions now go through me, the birthday boy.
Just had a great talk with my new friend, Muscle Guy, and Muscle Guy says feelings are feelings, and I don't feel like getting a donut.
I feel like getting the world's greatest banana split.
Okay, well, I don't think you understand how road trips work.
I mean, these things have to be planned weeks, if not months in advance.
That's cute.
That's real cute, Esther.
'Cause I don't think you know how birthdays work.
I don't think either of you understand how friendship works.
Come on, man, get some ice cream.
- You love ice cream.
- I'm not really that hungry.
- Thank you.
- Hey, maybe we just all eat quietly before my migraine really kicks in.
Just take a bite.
It's the best banana split ever.
I'm fine, okay? I've actually been reading all about Bill and Suzy and how this place was their dream to open it.
[SIGHS] Congratulations, Suzy.
Will you stop acting like you're so donut horny, okay? I've seen your vision board.
It's all sugar cookies.
Those are snickerdoodles.
Snickerdoodles are sugar cookies.
They're not.
-They're part of the sugar cookie family.
There's no cookie family.
There is a cookie genus.
Yes, there is.
And if you take a sugar cookie, you put snickerdoodle seasoning on it, - and then it's a snickerdoodle.
- You mean cinnamon? - Do you even know? - I do know.
It's more than cinnamon to make a snickerdoodle.
Yeah, that's why they're two different cookies.
It's not just one ingredient that makes it.
The basis of a snickerdoodle is sugar cookie.
All right, I'm out.
My Lyft's almost here.
I'm just gonna wait for Ignacio outside.
- Can I come with you? - No.
I'm gonna come with you, though.
No! Look, the two of you are acting like maniacs, and I have a show tonight.
And so to you I say, "Peace.
" Really dramatic.
You know the only reason he left is because you're a sociopath, right? I mean, really? Come on.
If anyone's a sociopath, it's you.
You're the sociopath.
You're charming.
Fine, but if I'm a sociopath, you're a lazy, entitled, narcissistic loser, which is way worse.
You know, I was actually having fun but I should've known this was all a sham.
You just wanted to use me to be a driver on your road trip, and even when it's my birthday my freaking birthday, you still have to have it your way.
That's not true, okay? I wanted to go to the donut shop because of you.
They have gluten-free donuts in every flavor imaginable.
It was part of your surprise.
What? It doesn't matter, okay? It's too late to go now.
We don't have time.
I didn't realize that was part of the plan, all right? Thank you.
That's very thoughtful.
Well, happy birthday.
I can't believe Jeff left us.
What a jerk.
Dude, do you realize what just happened? Who invited us to a show? Who found a gym super fast that already had a day pass ready, and then And then who sat there and watched me eat fried food? And now he's going to the show and he thinks we're not going.
Oh, we're going to the show.
Yeah, we're going to the show.
Show him.
I can't believe he tried to tear us apart like that.
I hope he bombs tonight.
I hope someone heckles him.
I hope two people heckle him.
Hmm, interesting.
I'll be Kissinger.
You be Nixon.
I'll be SpongeBob.
You be Patrick.
[ESTHER] He's Squidward.
[BENJI] Let's go.
Hey, Berkeley, how you doing? It's so good to see you.
All right, what a nice-looking house.
Now, I gotta tell you I'm used to, uh, LA houses.
Real sexy, hot houses.
This is not that, but, um, it's really nice.
This is like a palate cleanser for my eyes.
Uh, I gotta tell you, uh, today is my birthday.
- Yeah, happy birthday.
- Yeah.
[BENJI] It's not his birthday.
It's my birthday.
He's stealing it for an easy laugh.
- He's lying.
- Liar.
These are a couple of my friends here.
Uh, these are really nice people.
Thank you so much for showing up.
[LAUGHS] Anyways, guys, uh, does anybody else think that when you were a kid that all dogs were boys and all cats were girls? - Right, right, right? - [CROWD MURMURS] Well, I did, too, until I started dating this girl who had a female dog, and so I wonder if this dog joke ends in "bitch" wordplay? - I wonder.
- Seriously? No, I don't wonder.
I can finish this joke for you.
- Most of us can.
- Just let it you know what? Let's move on.
So anyway, I was talking to my girlfriend - No girlfriend.
- You know what, man? You know what, I'm not even gonna give you guys the-the-the fun of doing this to me.
- I'm out.
- Come back, Jeffrey! - Come on, oh, dude! - Jeff, come back.
- He's joking.
- Come on, man.
- We're messing with you.
- Jeffrey! Best birthday gift ever, heckling Jeff.
Thank you.
I knew you'd love road trips.
So? I mean, it's the best donut I ever had.
- Gluten-free or not.
- Yes! - It's the best.
- This completes the perfect road trip.
Except for when Jeff tried to ruin it, - but what can you do? - What? Are you serious? Come on, this is the same crap you guys always pull when you get into a fight with each other.
Neither one of you wants to admit that you're wrong, so you end up dumping it all on a third party.
Come on, dude, what is this third party stuff, dude? Me! I'm the third party.
Me, Jeff.
Unbelievable that you would try to tear us apart right now.
And on my birthday, dude.
That's so bold.
I don't know about bold, but it's inconsiderate.
You know what? You know what, you guys are jerks.
You're terrible.
You're terrible people.
We're just teasing you, relax.
Jeff, come on, we're just heckling you.
Everyone knows it makes you stronger.
- Look how strong we are.
- It's very, very funny how the two you never want to confront any of your actual problems with each other.
Oh, my God, this again with the problems.
- [JEFF SIGHS] - Actually, Jeffrey, we think you're a sociopath.
Well, we don't We know you're a sociopath.
Okay, you know what? That's it.
Bye! Bye! Happy birthday, man.
That was crazy.
Like, straight up, that was so crazy.
I know.
He's got problems.
- I feel really bad for him.
- Me too.
And then he's like, "Confront your problems.
" And then we're like, "All right, here's your problem.
" Well, the sad thing is is that when you act like that you're never gonna find someone.
You're just always gonna be by yourself.
Yeah, I know.
It's sad.