Alpha Males (2022) s02e08 Episode Script
I'm Straight
1
[jazz music playing]
[Santi] "Exercising can improve
the potency of your sperm."
And so can loose-fitting underwear.
And beta-carotene too.
You need to eat carrots.
[Santi] "Avoid stressful situations."
Oh. "Keep the phone away from your balls.
Don't keep it in your pocket anymore."
[huffs] Where do I put it, though?
You guys realize how many millions
or billions of healthy sperm we've wasted?
- It's a shame.
- [Pedro] Or not.
Maybe I've been sterile
my whole fucking life.
All that money
you could have saved on condoms.
- "Abstain from sex to be a better man."
- [laughing]
"After two to five days
without masturbating,
the quality of semen improves."
"And after seven days,
testosterone levels increase by 45%."
Oh, you're kidding. I'll save
on the injections. Gotta pay for judo.
But do you really think
we can go that long without?
Not a week, but two days.
[Santi] So, when did you last jerk off?
What time is it?
Come on, let's show some solidarity
with Pedro. Who can last the longest?
How do we decide who wins?
Come on, man. We have to be honest.
- [cell phone chimes]
- We're here, Pedro.
[Pedro chuckles] Hmm. What is that case?
- It's an old phone. Used to be Álex's.
- [laughing]
[Paula] I assume you've deleted the video.
Please just confirm that you've done it.
[sighs] God.
Yeah, yeah, Paula. Hi, uh
Yeah, don't worry. It's deleted, gone.
It's all good. No problem. Problem solved.
And, well, no trace of it anymore.
Okay, well, kiss.
Mm. Mm. See you later, ciao.
- [beeps]
- Why are you lying to her?
So I can be at peace.
She is obsessed with that goddamn video.
Hey, if one of my exes had a video
of me naked, I'd be freaking out.
- Have you tried the geolocating feature?
- Huh?
Download "My iPhone"
on another phone, and it'll locate it.
How come you didn't tell me about this?
Come on, unlock it. Unlock it now.
Santiago, even my grandma knows that.
- She's still alive?
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, what's the password?
- [chuckles]
[Santi] Uh
What the hell!
Only two tries before lockout?
Everything's stored on the cloud anyway.
- Go into iCloud and erase the video.
- [Santi] Okay, the cloud. Right.
- The cloud.
- Don't delete it, you dumbass.
Shit, only one more.
Why did you type
the same password in again?
- That's the right one.
- It's obviously not. Are you dumb?
Hey, wait, have they signed off
on your project yet?
No, 'cause they're held up on
this stupid fucking clause or something.
If they screw you over,
that video is your weapon.
Screw me over, why?
Scorned women can be incredibly spiteful.
How's she scorned?
She's the one who left him.
Don't enter the same one again.
You'll get locked out.
I'm gonna talk to Álex.
She knows how to do these things.
Move your leg, move.
Santi, you listen to me now.
Delete that video.
Gotta save a copy.
Leave me alone, all of you. Thank you.
The mess he's gotten into
'cause of this consent stuff.
So what's new with Luz?
Is she having a kid with that geezer?
Luz, a mother? I don't think so.
I saw her coming out of the clinic.
[Luis] Yeah, she's getting cleared out.
Cleared out?
She has something. I don't know.
She's decided to remove her uterus.
But I just remembered that Esther told me
not to say anything related to that.
Luz has cancer?
No, no, not cancer. Not cancer, no.
More of a precancer.
Does that exist?
No, you know what I mean, dude.
Pedro, I took your phone.
[grunts] God!
[Raúl exhales]
ALPHA MALES
- [Esther] Luis is gay.
- Again, Esther?
It explains everything.
- He's an unusually good father.
- Is that gay?
- He wants to open our marriage up.
- That seems very hetero.
Depends on who you're trying to fuck.
He bought me an anal dildo
knowing I wouldn't like it,
so he could have it.
Esther, you're just being paranoid.
Paranoid?
- Here.
- What's this, huh?
I found it in his jeans' pocket.
What? "Jerk off with friends"?
You still think I'm paranoid?
I mean, because if it looks like a duck.
It says here
it's a club for straight dudes.
Sure, like those chocolate doughnut
boxes say, "No added sugar"?
Maybe someone left it on his windshield,
and he couldn't find a trash can.
Luz, he's gay. My husband is gay!
My life is falling apart, once again.
- Just breathe.
- Don't tell me to "just breathe."
[sighs]
Isn't this an aggravating circumstance
for divorce?
No, this doesn't prove anything.
Hire a detective.
How am I gonna hire a detective?
- They charge a lot.
- Just ask him, period.
Yeah, right, so he can deny it all.
[groans] How do I
how do I explain this to the kids though?
- You're better off without kids.
- Mm.
Relax. I go
to the hospital tomorrow for surgery.
It's tomorrow? So you're not
coming to the premiere of my one-act show?
I don't think I'll make it.
Can't you have the operation another day?
That way, I can come with you.
No, there's no need.
- So you're going with your mother?
- My mother? No, thank you.
- Well, who's gonna be with you?
- Esther, I don't need anyone.
That really sounds great, huh?
No kids, no tumors, no periods.
[scoffs] You really know how to live.
I wish we'd met each other sooner.
Click on this thing
that says "forgot my password."
And then you'll get a link.
What's your email?
"IDontLikeSwissChard
'at' sign, yahoo.com."
What? Everything else was taken.
There are millions of Santiago Peraltas.
Password?
- For iCloud? I can't remember.
- [clicks tongue] Your email password.
Oh, okay.
Um, God damn it.
It's just that
it was so long ago. [exhales]
Do you know any
of the passwords you've used?
I saved all my passwords
in the notes on my cell phone.
Hmm. The one you lost?
Mm-hmm.
[sighs] I really can't with you.
No, but there's it's not a problem.
No, because my email opens up
automatically on my work computer.
So tomorrow, when I get to the office,
I'll calmly log into my iCloud,
and I'll sort it all out. Hey.
It can wait a few hours.
No, that won't matter.
[Luis] Hmm.
Hmm. This meat tastes a little
it tastes a little bit sweeter.
I should have used less onion. Hmm.
Luis, where did you put that anal dildo?
I hid it. Why do you want it?
You hid it where?
- In my nightstand.
- In your nightstand?
In the back drawer. Inside
a cell phone box, to throw people off.
Is it charged now?
[laughs] What's up?
You got a date with someone? Hmm?
Didn't we agree not to tell each other
about our external activities?
Hmm, well, sorry.
I'm surprised that you even asked
about that thing.
Since you didn't like it.
That's the only rule we have. Not telling
each other who we're sleeping with.
What? Do we need more rules?
No, I mean, for example, I don't know.
Say, I came home one day and I were
to tell you that I slept with a woman.
- Would you be mad?
- You slept with a woman, hon?
It's an example, Luis.
Would you be angry or not?
Not me. That's what's good
about open relationships. You didn't eat.
You start wondering
if I could be a lesbian?
Look, lesbian, hetero-curious.
Nowadays, all these sexual orientations.
The lines are very blurred now.
Yeah.
[Patricia] No, you don't clean
with this cloth.
[Stefan] Yes, me know.
[Patricia] No, you don't know.
This is for glass.
- Stefan cleans.
- [Patricia] You're not cleaning anything.
- This one. You clean with this one here.
- [Stefan] Me know. Me know.
[Patricia] You don't know how to clean.
You don't clean with this one
[exhales] Negative.
Covid or pregnancy?
This is so stressful.
I felt so nauseous this morning.
It's probably better
if we go to the clinic,
and boom, they stick it right in there.
My God. That's not very romantic though.
Since when have you been a romantic guy?
This artificial insemination,
I don't like it.
Come on. We can also freeze a few extra
embryos just in case we want more later.
I don't know why we can't just keep
trying to do this naturally, hmm?
Just give it a few more months.
Few months? I don't wanna have
this kind of stress, okay?
You stop feeling like a woman,
fall into a depression,
and you lose your self-esteem.
Forget it, nah.
What if they mix up the embryos,
and we have some kid
that belongs to some hillbilly couple?
[chuckles] No, no way. That won't happen.
They're gonna use my best egg
and your best sperm cell and
That's so unfair.
Why is it unfair?
What criteria do they use
to choose the best one?
I don't know, Pedro. They have
The best one is the one
that sprints through your vagina
and travels through the uterus,
then travels heroically up
the fallopian tubes
faster than the other 50 million
little suckers who are in there too.
That guy is my champion.
The rest just die.
Good old meritocracy.
Why do guys have such a hard-on
for competition? Never understood that.
I want our child to be from the fruit
of our love, not from a tube in a lab.
Am I right, Patricia?
Excuse me, sir. I wasn't listening.
[scoffs] What a little liar.
I'll book an appointment to learn
our options. It doesn't cost a thing.
And your champ won't have
to fight through the hunger games.
[both laugh]
God damn it. [grunts]
HERBAL SHOP
- This, right?
- [liquid sloshes]
[gulps, coughs]
[sighs]
Yeah, but it's just
that I want a fabric that's not too tight.
That one?
Yeah, this looks good.
[panting]
[watch beeps]
[exhales]
[panting]
[gasps, coughs]
Raúl, you okay?
First time Lucía's walked past
without you checking her out.
Me? When have I ever looked?
Really, I don't realize I'm doing it.
My neck just turns on its own.
What's going on with Luz?
Is she marrying the old dude?
She's having surgery and didn't call me.
And why would she call you?
Come on. Because I'm her friend, dude.
You're her ex.
That's the opposite of being friends.
[exhales] Hey, man, later tonight,
Victor and Pablo
are celebrating their divorce.
You should come. It'll be great.
- All you guys ever do is party, huh?
- [chuckles]
What do we work for?
- It's Sparky, my first dog, 25, 3, 79.
- [typing]
- [ding]
- That's not it either!
How many attempts have you made?
It'll lock you out after ten tries.
Ah, seven or eight.
I can only get one more incorrect.
I'm going out.
I'm meeting up with body number 11.
Mom, it was only ten.
I'm still not over this piece of shit.
Ah. Peter Piper picked
a peck of pickled peppers.
- What did you say?
- A tongue twister my grandma used to say.
- Which is a sick password, but
- [laptop dings]
Or maybe it isn't.
Santiago, stop it already.
That's it.
I'll go to the office for a minute.
[Álex] Right now?
Yes, they've locked
my account or something.
I don't know. It doesn't make sense.
- [Álex] What do you have on that phone?
- Huh?
That you're trying to delete?
Álex, respect my privacy, hmm?
- Nacho, you're here late, huh?
- [Nacho] What's up, Santi?
Oh, well, they wanted me to make some
changes at six o'clock in the evening.
Yeah, no, I what what a lack of
We have to work at such
a frenetic pace, right? It's cray-cray.
[sighs]
UBIZKUO
ARCHITECTURE STUDIO
[typing]
WELCOME BACK, SANTIAGO
[exhales]
[mouse clicks]
1 DOWNLOADED ITEM
[exhales]
He's an amazing dude. He's the man
- [Paula] All right
- [Santi] Uh.
Uh
- [Raúl] Gotta save a copy.
- [Paula] I assume you deleted the video.
- [Pedro] Listen to me. Delete that video.
- [Raúl] Don't delete it, you dumbass.
[Paula] Can you
just confirm you've done it?
- [Pedro] Santi, listen.
- [Paula] Delete that video.
[Raúl] If they screw you,
that video's your weapon.
[exhales]
[exhales]
USB DEVICE CONNECTED
SAVE A COPY
SAVING COPY IN NETWORK DOWNLOADS
[exhales]
RECYCLE BIN
[mouse clicks]
[inhales] Okay. All good.
- [clears throat] All done. Mm-hmm.
- You finished already, dude?
Yes, nothing. It was,
um, just a small revision.
It's the position of a drip edge.
I was worried, but somehow it's done.
- All right, bye, bye. Keep it up.
- [Nacho] All right, see you later.
[chimes]
NEW ITEM
[mouse clicks]
- [Santi] He's amazing. He's the man. Uh
- All right.
Hello, I'm Paula Villar.
I'm extremely horny.
- And I wanna fuck this guy right here.
- Here we go.
Say hello.
Hello. Hey, there, hello.
- Consenting?
- Yes.
- Yes, I consent too.
- Yeah? Me too. Yep.
I'm gonna show you that I'm not drunk
with this certified breathalyzer here.
- [TV playing]
- [yawns] Mm.
- [Pedro] Hello.
- Hello.
Wow. What are you doing with that fag-bag?
Now, "fag-bag" is an outdated
homophobic term, you know.
My fault. What are you doing
with that handbag for men?
It's for my cell.
It's more comfortable. You don't like it?
You look like an old lady at the market.
[laughs]
Hey, get over here.
Give me some attention.
[Pedro sighs, grunts]
Are you okay?
You're looking a little stressed out.
- No, I'm fine. Normal. Why?
- Hmm?
Give me a massage and I'll forgive you.
Mm.
- Wanna open up a wine bottle? Patri!
- No. No alcohol.
No, I bought some grape juice.
- Grape juice?
- It has tons of antioxidants.
Mm. Yeah, and sugar.
- God.
- Why are you two still talking down here?
Why don't you go on up to bed now?
"Why don't you go on up to bed now?"
[scoffs] We really have to establish
some boundaries.
Poor thing. She's just really excited.
I don't know. I'm beginning
to feel the pressure from everybody.
- [sighs]
- Why are you putting your pajamas on, hon?
Honey, we have to allow
between two to five days
of abstinence so that my sperm cells
can regain their strength.
Uh, "if you have sexual intercourse daily
starting from day 13 of the cycle,
the chances of fertilization improve."
No, no. It has been proven
that it reduces the number of sperm
"An ever-increasing number of studies
recommend daily sexual intercourse,
because frequent ejaculation
increases the quality of the sperm
by reducing the damage in its DNA."
God damn it.
I wish they'd just make up their mind.
Tomorrow, they can answer our questions.
We have an appointment.
What? Tomorrow? It's the first day
of filming for our pilot though.
Pedro, darling, you are the CEO.
Don't tell me you can't dip for an hour.
Okay, I'll move things around,
but spending all this money
on something that we could do for free.
Hmm. By the way, "fag-bag" is listed here.
It's in the Urban Dictionary of slang.
"Feminine noun,
colloquial, purse made for men."
[Pedro] Well, they should remove it.
I'm gonna start a petition on change.org.
You're driving me crazy
with this inclusivity.
Bathed and in bed at 9:28.
Ulises asked me
to explain what cunnilingus is.
I told him it was too late
and that you'd explain it to him tomorrow.
- Cunnilingus?
- [Luis] He's obsessed.
I don't remember being like that.
Come on, I feel like doing it.
- Doing what?
- A bit of oral.
- And then a little penetration. Let's go.
- Right now?
No, actually 5:00 a.m. is better.
Okay. Mm.
[shouting] Oh my God. It's so good!
- We gotta do this more often.
- Shh! They'll hear.
[muffled moaning]
I can't breathe, damn it! [shouts]
[panting]
[Luis grunts]
[laughs]
Yeah?
- Hmm.
- Did you?
Uh, what?
- You didn't, did you?
- Oh, God, it doesn't matter.
You always come during sex.
- Well, not today.
- And why not?
But I really enjoyed it. Don't worry.
Luis.
All right, it's just, uh,
I made a pact with the guys.
What pact?
And apparently, abstinence can augment
your testosterone levels naturally
and other bullshit like that.
Oh, poor thing.
I'm beginning to feel sorry for the guy.
He must be all out of excuses.
I've got him cornered now.
But why don't you just ask him directly?
He's never gonna fess up.
I need more evidence.
More?
[dance music playing]
- Another drink?
- No. Thanks.
Hey, how's it going? You're cute.
Raúl, are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, good.
Just leave me alone for a bit, okay?
You got one charming personality, dude.
[laughs]
[sighs]
Hello. I'm Rafa, a friend of Pablo's.
Raúl, I'm Diego's straight friend.
Hey, I'm straight too.
Well, you be careful 'round here.
Can't go saying "hi" to just anyone.
[laughing]
You're here alone?
Very alone. Going to the bathroom.
[splutters]
[exhales]
[exhales]
Hey, Rafa. [chuckles]
What are you doing?
What are you doing down there?
[zipper unzips]
[classical music playing]
[slurps, gulps]
[gasps] I've forgotten all my lines.
I don't remember anything.
How am I gonna do the show like this?
You're okay. It's just your nerves.
Why did I get into this?
Not even getting paid.
And on top of it,
I had to buy my own costume.
It's your dream, Mommy.
You have to fight for it.
- Oh, yeah.
- "It's your dream. You have to fight."
Stop making fun of your sister.
I'm gonna be late.
Take the kids to school?
Isn't it your turn today?
Kiddos, I'm so touched
that you're both coming to see me.
I have judo.
Not today.
Uh [exhales]
- [door closes]
- This afternoon, if you don't like
Listen to me.
This afternoon, if you don't like
Mom's play, you go ahead and tell her.
It'll be good for her.
- I thought it was wrong to criticize.
- Lying is even worse.
Oh, jeez. I don't know.
Growing up is really hard.
Mm. You have no idea.
DRIVER'S LICENSE TEST CENTER
Are you nervous?
Yeah, a little bit.
That's good.
[man grunts, sighs]
Morning, ladies. Start the car
and drive onto the main road.
[engine turns over]
- [horns honking]
- [tires screech]
[Esther] Oh!
Park the car.
Hey, now, what the fuck?
- You didn't give me a signal.
- You didn't look first.
- I did look.
- No, you didn't look.
Well, that's it. You're gonna
have to pay for the test again.
No, not me. My dad will.
Oh. Good morning, Isabel.
[employees chattering, laughing]
[Mónica] Yeah, I mean,
can you believe this?
The other day he kept asking me about her.
- [Santi] What you looking at?
- Had already done it.
Well, what's up? You know
I'm always down for a good laugh too.
You're quite the mean little bastard.
Who? Me, why?
- Hello, I'm Paula Villar
- Oh! Shh! Sh shh! Come here.
Where did you get this video?
Come on, are you kidding?
I'm sure it was you.
You uploaded it to a shared folder.
And now the whole company's seen it.
[Román] Santiago!
[gasps] Yes, Román?
[panting]
Román, you're gonna laugh.
[chuckles] Uh, Paula,
so great that you're here.
Your ex was right.
You're a petty and vengeful piece of shit.
- No, honestly, it I didn't
- [Román] Honey, leave him to me.
All right, you. Sit down.
It was just a technological error.
Honestly, I swear
that I deleted that video.
It must've been some kind of virus.
Now just so I'm clear.
You pull strings to get a job.
You seduce my daughter.
When she leaves you,
you publicly humiliate her
by leaking a video of her offering up
her services like a prostitute.
Dad, come on.
Do you have something to say?
- [Santi gasps]
- [Román] Huh?
Anything to say before I tell you
and your shitty deconstructed offices
to fuck off?
I think I'm a woman.
You what?
Yes, I'm going through a hard time.
And that's why I'm acting
so strange, because
because I feel so lost and
[sighs] Well, you'll understand
since you're gay.
[Román inhales, snorts]
[exhales]
[grunts]
- [exhales]
- How's it going?
- Uh, first, I need some coffee.
- Who's this Rafa guy? Tell me, please.
Um, nothing.
This annoying guy from last night.
Well, he brought you home last night.
- What? No, I didn't. No
- [cell phone ringing]
Shh! Phone, phone.
Hey, why do I have
this guy's number saved on my phone?
He put it in there,
and then he put you to bed.
He put me to bed?
- You puked all over his car.
- [phone chimes]
"Hey, gorgeous. Pick you up at two."
Sure, you're meeting for lunch.
You told him that you knew
a nice joint in the mountains.
I'm gonna block this guy now. [grunts]
Poor little dude.
He was really excited about it.
What do you mean, excited?
Nothing happened, not at all. I got a
But you guys do that a lot
without swapping phone numbers, right?
Hey, Raúl, have you heard about
the concept of "emotional responsibility"?
Diego, I'm straight, dude.
Sure, sure. And him too.
[Raúl exhales]
- Hello.
- Hello.
Luz Ferreiro.
I have surgery with Dr. Lahoz.
Yes, here you are.
Name and phone number of your companion.
No, I came alone.
Oh, well, I need a contact number.
What for?
We always notify them after surgery.
No, you don't need to inform anyone.
It's just protocol at our clinic.
It can be a family member or a friend.
Is my manager's number okay?
[nurse] Come in.
There's a gown and cap for you, okay?
Get changed. Someone will get you shortly.
Thanks.
- You haven't eaten today, right?
- No, no.
Good. Oh, the opening
of the gown's at the back.
Okay.
[sighs]
[doctor] Well, in your case,
as you have no infertility issues
and you're still relatively young.
- Mm, well, thanks.
- [laughing]
This could be a relatively quick process,
as soon as we have all the test results.
During your next menstrual period,
that's when we can start the stimulation.
- Oh, no, but we've done the tests already.
- Ah! [groans]
I forgot to download the app before.
- You forgot? No way.
- Well, I've been trying not to use paper.
Don't worry. In fact,
we can repeat all the tests here.
As a matter of fact,
we can collect your sample now.
- Oh.
- [Pedro grunts]
[doctor] How long
since you've last ejaculated?
Well
- Well, the day before yesterday.
- Right, the day before yesterday.
[doctor] Perfect.
[Daniela] Mm.
The only problem is
I ate a big breakfast, so I
I'll help you, baby.
No, no, he has
to go make the deposit alone.
- Oh. [laughing]
- Come on.
- [laughs] No.
- No, there won't be a problem. [laughs]
And this is where we collect the samples.
We've tried to put together
a seductive space.
[clicks]
A high degree of sexual arousal
improves the quality of semen.
I have some magazines over here,
and the videos you need are over there.
We also have artificial vaginas or mouths,
or if you prefer,
there's a virtual reality headset.
No, I don't need it. Thanks.
And I recommend that you wash
your penis with soap and water.
- Great.
- [nurse] Very important.
Remember to deposit
the entire thing in the container.
- Any questions?
- No.
Okay, well, when you've finished,
let me know.
- That sounds good.
- [nurse] No rush.
- A better sexual arousal
- Improves the quality of the semen.
- Exactly.
- [breathing shakily]
[slow-tempo music playing]
- [line rings]
- [exhales]
LIL BROS ON THE PRAIRIE
Where are you at?
At a clinic with Daniela.
[laughing] Ah,
so you've lost the bet then.
You're in a clinic now?
[Raúl] And why did you call then,
for motivation?
I've had less than 24 hours of abstinence,
so my semen
is still gonna be fucking shit.
Tell them you couldn't do it.
You just froze up.
As if I'm gonna say that.
Stop fucking around.
Okay, let's think about it.
What's more humiliating?
To be sterile or to be impotent? Hmm?
[doctor, Daniela laugh]
I couldn't do it.
Oh, my love.
I couldn't concentrate in there.
There's so much paraphernalia.
- [Daniela] Mm-hmm
- Just froze up.
Don't worry. It happens to everyone.
You can bring the sample
from home instead.
Uh, isn't it too far though?
I don't know if it'd break the cold chain.
- No.
- Or the heat chain.
- [laughs] No, no.
- [mutters]
[Rafa] Hello.
Hey, Rafa.
Oh a beer for my friend here.
Did you sleep well?
All right, Rafa, listen up.
I was in a pretty bad place last night
at the bar, and you caught me off guard,
so you're probably imagining things
are different than they really are.
- What we did in that bathroom?
- [shushing]
You liked it, didn't you?
I think you liked it a lot.
That's all irrelevant now.
The thing is that I'm heterosexual.
- Yeah, and so am I.
- No, you're not really.
I'm so heterosexual
that I had to take a course
so I could have
my masculinity deconstructed.
- You said some sweet things.
- Oh, stop going around in circles.
You gave me a good night kiss.
Did you spike my beer?
[both] What are you saying?
I don't remember you complaining
while I was sucking you off.
Thanks, gorgeous.
I don't want any issues.
Just tell me
if you're serious about meeting me.
I didn't say any of that.
I gotta be organized.
I have two kids and a great wife,
but you really turn me on.
I'm a bottom.
Look, you cocksu
[splutters] Gonna head home now.
I think I should head out.
- Raúl.
- No, no, no, no. Shh! No!
- Do I call you?
- [Raúl] No!
And who doesn't suffer in this unbearable
and infected world?
Oh, damn conscience of mine!
[gasps] And who is capable
of setting foot on the street
without feeling a mixture of disgust
and sorrow and pity? [gasps]
And would you,
confronted with that swarming horde
of faceless forms,
so lifeless and so amorphous?
I would not.
I would spit on them all. [spits]
In an instant, I'd strike their faces
to jolt them from the deathly lethargy
in which they're living. [gasps]
Did I say "living"?
Dying.
Dying! [gasps]
[mutters]
- [Luis] In the police academy.
- [laughing]
- Ah, it was a classic play.
- Mommy!
- [laughing] Oh! Did you like the show?
- You were awesome, Mom.
- [Iris] It was like you were someone else.
- Wow, that's so sweet of you.
- I thought it was a bit too long.
- It was only 12 minutes.
That short?
- Mommy, I wanna be an actress.
- Me too!
Of course, just like the Bardems.
A family of actors.
Wait, you wanted to be an astronaut,
and you a vet, which I thought was great.
- Let it go.
- Look what you've done, Esther.
Let's cut the complaining and head home.
Hey, I'll see you later, okay?
- Come on.
- I'm playing paddle.
What? But it's already 8:30.
Then tell me when I can play, Esther. Hmm?
This way, yes.
What do you mean, you feel like a woman?
It was the first thing
that came to my mind.
I didn't know. Then I pretended to come
down with a sudden vertigo and ran out.
- So, you feel like a woman?
- As if I'd identify as a woman.
- Look at me, dude.
- [exhales]
Oh, by the way,
this is all your fault, huh?
It was meant for Pedro.
- Yeah.
- It is more believable coming from you.
So why'd you do it?
Didn't you say it was trivializing?
How did it feel being in line
for unemployment? Great, right?
Blame it on the course, dude.
You got the diploma.
[scoffs] But you'll have to get
psychologists and experts and all that.
That's transphobic.
Then what happened? I mean,
you told your boss, so now what?
I didn't get fired or anything.
I'll go back to work tomorrow,
like normal.
No, not like normal, no.
Put on some earrings or a wig, dude.
They won't fire you.
They don't have the balls.
Companies don't wanna get in trouble.
[Luis] Santiaga, you're getting yourself
into a mess.
Well, sounds like our friend is trans.
We really are an inclusive group now.
Fucking poodle shit.
Hey, it's five past. Time to leave, okay?
[exhales]
Hello.
Why'd you come here?
In case you wanted me to get you water.
Or
these chocolate puff pastries
I brought you.
Delicious.
[gasps] Thank you.
[knock on door]
Can I come in?
- Hey.
- [Esther] What's he doing here?
A little bird told me about the operation.
I've had enough of that little bird.
Wanna go get coffee?
Coffee at night? No.
[chuckles] She wants you
to leave us alone.
She could just say that.
[kisses]
Here you go. Flowers!
[chuckles] It's all they had
in the hospital store.
Uh, hey, your kids are waiting out here.
Oh, right, the kids.
- [chuckles]
- Brought your kids?
They really wanted to come see you here.
- And I'm gonna leave them with you.
- [video game chiming]
- [game voice] You've scored 200 points
- What now?
Apparently, there's a party tonight
hosted by the club for gays.
'Cause he told me he was playing paddle.
He made that up
so he could go to that circle-jerk party.
But then if if Raúl's here.
He's such an idiot.
I have to catch him in the act.
I'm gonna go crazy.
No, but, Esther,
you can't leave your kids here.
And once Iris's battery runs out,
she'll take great care of you.
What time will you be back?
Esther! [groans]
[bed whirring]
Uh, honey, could you not move
the bed? Thank you.
- [game voice] Better luck next time!
- [exhales]
Oh my God.
[exhales]
No, no, no.
I just really have to pee, huh?
- Oh, fuck. [clicks tongue]
- [door closes]
Excuse me. Look, would you mind checking
to see if this guy's in there?
Come on, thanks, huh. [huffs]
- [man exhales]
- Hey!
Listen. Did you see this guy in there?
- Hey, sorry. I'm in a hurry.
- He's bald and okay, bye, dude.
Asshole.
Uh, hey, sir, excuse me.
Could you help me out, please?
Uh, yeah.
Look, I need to find out if this man
in the picture is in there now.
I haven't seen him tonight, no.
What? Not tonight?
But you did another day?
I think he came all over me last week.
[splutters] Was he
Really great guy. [laughs]
Good guy.
[Luis] And where have you been?
Luis.
Are you gay?
Again with that question?
Come on, someone saw you at this gay bar.
Saw me?
But I've only been there once.
So you've been there?
- Yeah. No, we didn't actually go in.
- [gasps] Luis, no more lies.
Because I showed your photo
to this guy and he was leaving.
Recognized you.
You gave him a you-know-what.
I don't wanna say it again out loud.
Did you show my photo
to every hetero-curious in Madrid?
Enough with the euphemisms. For queers.
It's a club for queers,
and this was in the pocket of your pants.
We went with Raúl.
Raúl? Come on, buddy.
If you'd said Santi maybe, but Raúl?
Because his new friends
are giving him all these crazy ideas.
This is so disgusting,
and to think I sucked you off.
But, Esther, I'm not gay,
for Christ's sake. You're nuts.
Well, if you're not, you're up
to some weird stuff! Fucking class.
[gasps]
Hey, where are the kids?
- And I'm the one who does strange things.
- [door closes]
[Pedro inhales]
[grunts]
[man] Hey there, brother.
It's been a while.
You haven't changed a bit, asshole.
Hey, what's up, Fede? [laughs]
Not much, to be honest.
[Pedro sighs]
Mom did mention some time ago
that you were gonna help me out,
but I'd been waiting for a while.
Yeah, uh, paying
for your rehab doesn't count?
It counts. It does, yeah.
But, uh, I don't know.
Maybe you can hook me up with a nice job.
I'd be okay with three grand a month.
- Are you clean or?
- Yeah.
I go out jogging every morning,
and I've even adopted a dog.
My life these days is pretty normal.
It's shitty.
I'm now integrated into society.
[chuckles] That's great.
I mean, congratulations.
So why'd you call me? Do you have cancer?
No, no, not just yet. Not right now.
Okay, I don't wanna spook you
with this question.
Fire away, bro.
[slurps, gulps]
How would you rate
the potency of your semen?
[classical music playing]
[jazz music playing]
[Santi] "Exercising can improve
the potency of your sperm."
And so can loose-fitting underwear.
And beta-carotene too.
You need to eat carrots.
[Santi] "Avoid stressful situations."
Oh. "Keep the phone away from your balls.
Don't keep it in your pocket anymore."
[huffs] Where do I put it, though?
You guys realize how many millions
or billions of healthy sperm we've wasted?
- It's a shame.
- [Pedro] Or not.
Maybe I've been sterile
my whole fucking life.
All that money
you could have saved on condoms.
- "Abstain from sex to be a better man."
- [laughing]
"After two to five days
without masturbating,
the quality of semen improves."
"And after seven days,
testosterone levels increase by 45%."
Oh, you're kidding. I'll save
on the injections. Gotta pay for judo.
But do you really think
we can go that long without?
Not a week, but two days.
[Santi] So, when did you last jerk off?
What time is it?
Come on, let's show some solidarity
with Pedro. Who can last the longest?
How do we decide who wins?
Come on, man. We have to be honest.
- [cell phone chimes]
- We're here, Pedro.
[Pedro chuckles] Hmm. What is that case?
- It's an old phone. Used to be Álex's.
- [laughing]
[Paula] I assume you've deleted the video.
Please just confirm that you've done it.
[sighs] God.
Yeah, yeah, Paula. Hi, uh
Yeah, don't worry. It's deleted, gone.
It's all good. No problem. Problem solved.
And, well, no trace of it anymore.
Okay, well, kiss.
Mm. Mm. See you later, ciao.
- [beeps]
- Why are you lying to her?
So I can be at peace.
She is obsessed with that goddamn video.
Hey, if one of my exes had a video
of me naked, I'd be freaking out.
- Have you tried the geolocating feature?
- Huh?
Download "My iPhone"
on another phone, and it'll locate it.
How come you didn't tell me about this?
Come on, unlock it. Unlock it now.
Santiago, even my grandma knows that.
- She's still alive?
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, what's the password?
- [chuckles]
[Santi] Uh
What the hell!
Only two tries before lockout?
Everything's stored on the cloud anyway.
- Go into iCloud and erase the video.
- [Santi] Okay, the cloud. Right.
- The cloud.
- Don't delete it, you dumbass.
Shit, only one more.
Why did you type
the same password in again?
- That's the right one.
- It's obviously not. Are you dumb?
Hey, wait, have they signed off
on your project yet?
No, 'cause they're held up on
this stupid fucking clause or something.
If they screw you over,
that video is your weapon.
Screw me over, why?
Scorned women can be incredibly spiteful.
How's she scorned?
She's the one who left him.
Don't enter the same one again.
You'll get locked out.
I'm gonna talk to Álex.
She knows how to do these things.
Move your leg, move.
Santi, you listen to me now.
Delete that video.
Gotta save a copy.
Leave me alone, all of you. Thank you.
The mess he's gotten into
'cause of this consent stuff.
So what's new with Luz?
Is she having a kid with that geezer?
Luz, a mother? I don't think so.
I saw her coming out of the clinic.
[Luis] Yeah, she's getting cleared out.
Cleared out?
She has something. I don't know.
She's decided to remove her uterus.
But I just remembered that Esther told me
not to say anything related to that.
Luz has cancer?
No, no, not cancer. Not cancer, no.
More of a precancer.
Does that exist?
No, you know what I mean, dude.
Pedro, I took your phone.
[grunts] God!
[Raúl exhales]
ALPHA MALES
- [Esther] Luis is gay.
- Again, Esther?
It explains everything.
- He's an unusually good father.
- Is that gay?
- He wants to open our marriage up.
- That seems very hetero.
Depends on who you're trying to fuck.
He bought me an anal dildo
knowing I wouldn't like it,
so he could have it.
Esther, you're just being paranoid.
Paranoid?
- Here.
- What's this, huh?
I found it in his jeans' pocket.
What? "Jerk off with friends"?
You still think I'm paranoid?
I mean, because if it looks like a duck.
It says here
it's a club for straight dudes.
Sure, like those chocolate doughnut
boxes say, "No added sugar"?
Maybe someone left it on his windshield,
and he couldn't find a trash can.
Luz, he's gay. My husband is gay!
My life is falling apart, once again.
- Just breathe.
- Don't tell me to "just breathe."
[sighs]
Isn't this an aggravating circumstance
for divorce?
No, this doesn't prove anything.
Hire a detective.
How am I gonna hire a detective?
- They charge a lot.
- Just ask him, period.
Yeah, right, so he can deny it all.
[groans] How do I
how do I explain this to the kids though?
- You're better off without kids.
- Mm.
Relax. I go
to the hospital tomorrow for surgery.
It's tomorrow? So you're not
coming to the premiere of my one-act show?
I don't think I'll make it.
Can't you have the operation another day?
That way, I can come with you.
No, there's no need.
- So you're going with your mother?
- My mother? No, thank you.
- Well, who's gonna be with you?
- Esther, I don't need anyone.
That really sounds great, huh?
No kids, no tumors, no periods.
[scoffs] You really know how to live.
I wish we'd met each other sooner.
Click on this thing
that says "forgot my password."
And then you'll get a link.
What's your email?
"IDontLikeSwissChard
'at' sign, yahoo.com."
What? Everything else was taken.
There are millions of Santiago Peraltas.
Password?
- For iCloud? I can't remember.
- [clicks tongue] Your email password.
Oh, okay.
Um, God damn it.
It's just that
it was so long ago. [exhales]
Do you know any
of the passwords you've used?
I saved all my passwords
in the notes on my cell phone.
Hmm. The one you lost?
Mm-hmm.
[sighs] I really can't with you.
No, but there's it's not a problem.
No, because my email opens up
automatically on my work computer.
So tomorrow, when I get to the office,
I'll calmly log into my iCloud,
and I'll sort it all out. Hey.
It can wait a few hours.
No, that won't matter.
[Luis] Hmm.
Hmm. This meat tastes a little
it tastes a little bit sweeter.
I should have used less onion. Hmm.
Luis, where did you put that anal dildo?
I hid it. Why do you want it?
You hid it where?
- In my nightstand.
- In your nightstand?
In the back drawer. Inside
a cell phone box, to throw people off.
Is it charged now?
[laughs] What's up?
You got a date with someone? Hmm?
Didn't we agree not to tell each other
about our external activities?
Hmm, well, sorry.
I'm surprised that you even asked
about that thing.
Since you didn't like it.
That's the only rule we have. Not telling
each other who we're sleeping with.
What? Do we need more rules?
No, I mean, for example, I don't know.
Say, I came home one day and I were
to tell you that I slept with a woman.
- Would you be mad?
- You slept with a woman, hon?
It's an example, Luis.
Would you be angry or not?
Not me. That's what's good
about open relationships. You didn't eat.
You start wondering
if I could be a lesbian?
Look, lesbian, hetero-curious.
Nowadays, all these sexual orientations.
The lines are very blurred now.
Yeah.
[Patricia] No, you don't clean
with this cloth.
[Stefan] Yes, me know.
[Patricia] No, you don't know.
This is for glass.
- Stefan cleans.
- [Patricia] You're not cleaning anything.
- This one. You clean with this one here.
- [Stefan] Me know. Me know.
[Patricia] You don't know how to clean.
You don't clean with this one
[exhales] Negative.
Covid or pregnancy?
This is so stressful.
I felt so nauseous this morning.
It's probably better
if we go to the clinic,
and boom, they stick it right in there.
My God. That's not very romantic though.
Since when have you been a romantic guy?
This artificial insemination,
I don't like it.
Come on. We can also freeze a few extra
embryos just in case we want more later.
I don't know why we can't just keep
trying to do this naturally, hmm?
Just give it a few more months.
Few months? I don't wanna have
this kind of stress, okay?
You stop feeling like a woman,
fall into a depression,
and you lose your self-esteem.
Forget it, nah.
What if they mix up the embryos,
and we have some kid
that belongs to some hillbilly couple?
[chuckles] No, no way. That won't happen.
They're gonna use my best egg
and your best sperm cell and
That's so unfair.
Why is it unfair?
What criteria do they use
to choose the best one?
I don't know, Pedro. They have
The best one is the one
that sprints through your vagina
and travels through the uterus,
then travels heroically up
the fallopian tubes
faster than the other 50 million
little suckers who are in there too.
That guy is my champion.
The rest just die.
Good old meritocracy.
Why do guys have such a hard-on
for competition? Never understood that.
I want our child to be from the fruit
of our love, not from a tube in a lab.
Am I right, Patricia?
Excuse me, sir. I wasn't listening.
[scoffs] What a little liar.
I'll book an appointment to learn
our options. It doesn't cost a thing.
And your champ won't have
to fight through the hunger games.
[both laugh]
God damn it. [grunts]
HERBAL SHOP
- This, right?
- [liquid sloshes]
[gulps, coughs]
[sighs]
Yeah, but it's just
that I want a fabric that's not too tight.
That one?
Yeah, this looks good.
[panting]
[watch beeps]
[exhales]
[panting]
[gasps, coughs]
Raúl, you okay?
First time Lucía's walked past
without you checking her out.
Me? When have I ever looked?
Really, I don't realize I'm doing it.
My neck just turns on its own.
What's going on with Luz?
Is she marrying the old dude?
She's having surgery and didn't call me.
And why would she call you?
Come on. Because I'm her friend, dude.
You're her ex.
That's the opposite of being friends.
[exhales] Hey, man, later tonight,
Victor and Pablo
are celebrating their divorce.
You should come. It'll be great.
- All you guys ever do is party, huh?
- [chuckles]
What do we work for?
- It's Sparky, my first dog, 25, 3, 79.
- [typing]
- [ding]
- That's not it either!
How many attempts have you made?
It'll lock you out after ten tries.
Ah, seven or eight.
I can only get one more incorrect.
I'm going out.
I'm meeting up with body number 11.
Mom, it was only ten.
I'm still not over this piece of shit.
Ah. Peter Piper picked
a peck of pickled peppers.
- What did you say?
- A tongue twister my grandma used to say.
- Which is a sick password, but
- [laptop dings]
Or maybe it isn't.
Santiago, stop it already.
That's it.
I'll go to the office for a minute.
[Álex] Right now?
Yes, they've locked
my account or something.
I don't know. It doesn't make sense.
- [Álex] What do you have on that phone?
- Huh?
That you're trying to delete?
Álex, respect my privacy, hmm?
- Nacho, you're here late, huh?
- [Nacho] What's up, Santi?
Oh, well, they wanted me to make some
changes at six o'clock in the evening.
Yeah, no, I what what a lack of
We have to work at such
a frenetic pace, right? It's cray-cray.
[sighs]
UBIZKUO
ARCHITECTURE STUDIO
[typing]
WELCOME BACK, SANTIAGO
[exhales]
[mouse clicks]
1 DOWNLOADED ITEM
[exhales]
He's an amazing dude. He's the man
- [Paula] All right
- [Santi] Uh.
Uh
- [Raúl] Gotta save a copy.
- [Paula] I assume you deleted the video.
- [Pedro] Listen to me. Delete that video.
- [Raúl] Don't delete it, you dumbass.
[Paula] Can you
just confirm you've done it?
- [Pedro] Santi, listen.
- [Paula] Delete that video.
[Raúl] If they screw you,
that video's your weapon.
[exhales]
[exhales]
USB DEVICE CONNECTED
SAVE A COPY
SAVING COPY IN NETWORK DOWNLOADS
[exhales]
RECYCLE BIN
[mouse clicks]
[inhales] Okay. All good.
- [clears throat] All done. Mm-hmm.
- You finished already, dude?
Yes, nothing. It was,
um, just a small revision.
It's the position of a drip edge.
I was worried, but somehow it's done.
- All right, bye, bye. Keep it up.
- [Nacho] All right, see you later.
[chimes]
NEW ITEM
[mouse clicks]
- [Santi] He's amazing. He's the man. Uh
- All right.
Hello, I'm Paula Villar.
I'm extremely horny.
- And I wanna fuck this guy right here.
- Here we go.
Say hello.
Hello. Hey, there, hello.
- Consenting?
- Yes.
- Yes, I consent too.
- Yeah? Me too. Yep.
I'm gonna show you that I'm not drunk
with this certified breathalyzer here.
- [TV playing]
- [yawns] Mm.
- [Pedro] Hello.
- Hello.
Wow. What are you doing with that fag-bag?
Now, "fag-bag" is an outdated
homophobic term, you know.
My fault. What are you doing
with that handbag for men?
It's for my cell.
It's more comfortable. You don't like it?
You look like an old lady at the market.
[laughs]
Hey, get over here.
Give me some attention.
[Pedro sighs, grunts]
Are you okay?
You're looking a little stressed out.
- No, I'm fine. Normal. Why?
- Hmm?
Give me a massage and I'll forgive you.
Mm.
- Wanna open up a wine bottle? Patri!
- No. No alcohol.
No, I bought some grape juice.
- Grape juice?
- It has tons of antioxidants.
Mm. Yeah, and sugar.
- God.
- Why are you two still talking down here?
Why don't you go on up to bed now?
"Why don't you go on up to bed now?"
[scoffs] We really have to establish
some boundaries.
Poor thing. She's just really excited.
I don't know. I'm beginning
to feel the pressure from everybody.
- [sighs]
- Why are you putting your pajamas on, hon?
Honey, we have to allow
between two to five days
of abstinence so that my sperm cells
can regain their strength.
Uh, "if you have sexual intercourse daily
starting from day 13 of the cycle,
the chances of fertilization improve."
No, no. It has been proven
that it reduces the number of sperm
"An ever-increasing number of studies
recommend daily sexual intercourse,
because frequent ejaculation
increases the quality of the sperm
by reducing the damage in its DNA."
God damn it.
I wish they'd just make up their mind.
Tomorrow, they can answer our questions.
We have an appointment.
What? Tomorrow? It's the first day
of filming for our pilot though.
Pedro, darling, you are the CEO.
Don't tell me you can't dip for an hour.
Okay, I'll move things around,
but spending all this money
on something that we could do for free.
Hmm. By the way, "fag-bag" is listed here.
It's in the Urban Dictionary of slang.
"Feminine noun,
colloquial, purse made for men."
[Pedro] Well, they should remove it.
I'm gonna start a petition on change.org.
You're driving me crazy
with this inclusivity.
Bathed and in bed at 9:28.
Ulises asked me
to explain what cunnilingus is.
I told him it was too late
and that you'd explain it to him tomorrow.
- Cunnilingus?
- [Luis] He's obsessed.
I don't remember being like that.
Come on, I feel like doing it.
- Doing what?
- A bit of oral.
- And then a little penetration. Let's go.
- Right now?
No, actually 5:00 a.m. is better.
Okay. Mm.
[shouting] Oh my God. It's so good!
- We gotta do this more often.
- Shh! They'll hear.
[muffled moaning]
I can't breathe, damn it! [shouts]
[panting]
[Luis grunts]
[laughs]
Yeah?
- Hmm.
- Did you?
Uh, what?
- You didn't, did you?
- Oh, God, it doesn't matter.
You always come during sex.
- Well, not today.
- And why not?
But I really enjoyed it. Don't worry.
Luis.
All right, it's just, uh,
I made a pact with the guys.
What pact?
And apparently, abstinence can augment
your testosterone levels naturally
and other bullshit like that.
Oh, poor thing.
I'm beginning to feel sorry for the guy.
He must be all out of excuses.
I've got him cornered now.
But why don't you just ask him directly?
He's never gonna fess up.
I need more evidence.
More?
[dance music playing]
- Another drink?
- No. Thanks.
Hey, how's it going? You're cute.
Raúl, are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, good.
Just leave me alone for a bit, okay?
You got one charming personality, dude.
[laughs]
[sighs]
Hello. I'm Rafa, a friend of Pablo's.
Raúl, I'm Diego's straight friend.
Hey, I'm straight too.
Well, you be careful 'round here.
Can't go saying "hi" to just anyone.
[laughing]
You're here alone?
Very alone. Going to the bathroom.
[splutters]
[exhales]
[exhales]
Hey, Rafa. [chuckles]
What are you doing?
What are you doing down there?
[zipper unzips]
[classical music playing]
[slurps, gulps]
[gasps] I've forgotten all my lines.
I don't remember anything.
How am I gonna do the show like this?
You're okay. It's just your nerves.
Why did I get into this?
Not even getting paid.
And on top of it,
I had to buy my own costume.
It's your dream, Mommy.
You have to fight for it.
- Oh, yeah.
- "It's your dream. You have to fight."
Stop making fun of your sister.
I'm gonna be late.
Take the kids to school?
Isn't it your turn today?
Kiddos, I'm so touched
that you're both coming to see me.
I have judo.
Not today.
Uh [exhales]
- [door closes]
- This afternoon, if you don't like
Listen to me.
This afternoon, if you don't like
Mom's play, you go ahead and tell her.
It'll be good for her.
- I thought it was wrong to criticize.
- Lying is even worse.
Oh, jeez. I don't know.
Growing up is really hard.
Mm. You have no idea.
DRIVER'S LICENSE TEST CENTER
Are you nervous?
Yeah, a little bit.
That's good.
[man grunts, sighs]
Morning, ladies. Start the car
and drive onto the main road.
[engine turns over]
- [horns honking]
- [tires screech]
[Esther] Oh!
Park the car.
Hey, now, what the fuck?
- You didn't give me a signal.
- You didn't look first.
- I did look.
- No, you didn't look.
Well, that's it. You're gonna
have to pay for the test again.
No, not me. My dad will.
Oh. Good morning, Isabel.
[employees chattering, laughing]
[Mónica] Yeah, I mean,
can you believe this?
The other day he kept asking me about her.
- [Santi] What you looking at?
- Had already done it.
Well, what's up? You know
I'm always down for a good laugh too.
You're quite the mean little bastard.
Who? Me, why?
- Hello, I'm Paula Villar
- Oh! Shh! Sh shh! Come here.
Where did you get this video?
Come on, are you kidding?
I'm sure it was you.
You uploaded it to a shared folder.
And now the whole company's seen it.
[Román] Santiago!
[gasps] Yes, Román?
[panting]
Román, you're gonna laugh.
[chuckles] Uh, Paula,
so great that you're here.
Your ex was right.
You're a petty and vengeful piece of shit.
- No, honestly, it I didn't
- [Román] Honey, leave him to me.
All right, you. Sit down.
It was just a technological error.
Honestly, I swear
that I deleted that video.
It must've been some kind of virus.
Now just so I'm clear.
You pull strings to get a job.
You seduce my daughter.
When she leaves you,
you publicly humiliate her
by leaking a video of her offering up
her services like a prostitute.
Dad, come on.
Do you have something to say?
- [Santi gasps]
- [Román] Huh?
Anything to say before I tell you
and your shitty deconstructed offices
to fuck off?
I think I'm a woman.
You what?
Yes, I'm going through a hard time.
And that's why I'm acting
so strange, because
because I feel so lost and
[sighs] Well, you'll understand
since you're gay.
[Román inhales, snorts]
[exhales]
[grunts]
- [exhales]
- How's it going?
- Uh, first, I need some coffee.
- Who's this Rafa guy? Tell me, please.
Um, nothing.
This annoying guy from last night.
Well, he brought you home last night.
- What? No, I didn't. No
- [cell phone ringing]
Shh! Phone, phone.
Hey, why do I have
this guy's number saved on my phone?
He put it in there,
and then he put you to bed.
He put me to bed?
- You puked all over his car.
- [phone chimes]
"Hey, gorgeous. Pick you up at two."
Sure, you're meeting for lunch.
You told him that you knew
a nice joint in the mountains.
I'm gonna block this guy now. [grunts]
Poor little dude.
He was really excited about it.
What do you mean, excited?
Nothing happened, not at all. I got a
But you guys do that a lot
without swapping phone numbers, right?
Hey, Raúl, have you heard about
the concept of "emotional responsibility"?
Diego, I'm straight, dude.
Sure, sure. And him too.
[Raúl exhales]
- Hello.
- Hello.
Luz Ferreiro.
I have surgery with Dr. Lahoz.
Yes, here you are.
Name and phone number of your companion.
No, I came alone.
Oh, well, I need a contact number.
What for?
We always notify them after surgery.
No, you don't need to inform anyone.
It's just protocol at our clinic.
It can be a family member or a friend.
Is my manager's number okay?
[nurse] Come in.
There's a gown and cap for you, okay?
Get changed. Someone will get you shortly.
Thanks.
- You haven't eaten today, right?
- No, no.
Good. Oh, the opening
of the gown's at the back.
Okay.
[sighs]
[doctor] Well, in your case,
as you have no infertility issues
and you're still relatively young.
- Mm, well, thanks.
- [laughing]
This could be a relatively quick process,
as soon as we have all the test results.
During your next menstrual period,
that's when we can start the stimulation.
- Oh, no, but we've done the tests already.
- Ah! [groans]
I forgot to download the app before.
- You forgot? No way.
- Well, I've been trying not to use paper.
Don't worry. In fact,
we can repeat all the tests here.
As a matter of fact,
we can collect your sample now.
- Oh.
- [Pedro grunts]
[doctor] How long
since you've last ejaculated?
Well
- Well, the day before yesterday.
- Right, the day before yesterday.
[doctor] Perfect.
[Daniela] Mm.
The only problem is
I ate a big breakfast, so I
I'll help you, baby.
No, no, he has
to go make the deposit alone.
- Oh. [laughing]
- Come on.
- [laughs] No.
- No, there won't be a problem. [laughs]
And this is where we collect the samples.
We've tried to put together
a seductive space.
[clicks]
A high degree of sexual arousal
improves the quality of semen.
I have some magazines over here,
and the videos you need are over there.
We also have artificial vaginas or mouths,
or if you prefer,
there's a virtual reality headset.
No, I don't need it. Thanks.
And I recommend that you wash
your penis with soap and water.
- Great.
- [nurse] Very important.
Remember to deposit
the entire thing in the container.
- Any questions?
- No.
Okay, well, when you've finished,
let me know.
- That sounds good.
- [nurse] No rush.
- A better sexual arousal
- Improves the quality of the semen.
- Exactly.
- [breathing shakily]
[slow-tempo music playing]
- [line rings]
- [exhales]
LIL BROS ON THE PRAIRIE
Where are you at?
At a clinic with Daniela.
[laughing] Ah,
so you've lost the bet then.
You're in a clinic now?
[Raúl] And why did you call then,
for motivation?
I've had less than 24 hours of abstinence,
so my semen
is still gonna be fucking shit.
Tell them you couldn't do it.
You just froze up.
As if I'm gonna say that.
Stop fucking around.
Okay, let's think about it.
What's more humiliating?
To be sterile or to be impotent? Hmm?
[doctor, Daniela laugh]
I couldn't do it.
Oh, my love.
I couldn't concentrate in there.
There's so much paraphernalia.
- [Daniela] Mm-hmm
- Just froze up.
Don't worry. It happens to everyone.
You can bring the sample
from home instead.
Uh, isn't it too far though?
I don't know if it'd break the cold chain.
- No.
- Or the heat chain.
- [laughs] No, no.
- [mutters]
[Rafa] Hello.
Hey, Rafa.
Oh a beer for my friend here.
Did you sleep well?
All right, Rafa, listen up.
I was in a pretty bad place last night
at the bar, and you caught me off guard,
so you're probably imagining things
are different than they really are.
- What we did in that bathroom?
- [shushing]
You liked it, didn't you?
I think you liked it a lot.
That's all irrelevant now.
The thing is that I'm heterosexual.
- Yeah, and so am I.
- No, you're not really.
I'm so heterosexual
that I had to take a course
so I could have
my masculinity deconstructed.
- You said some sweet things.
- Oh, stop going around in circles.
You gave me a good night kiss.
Did you spike my beer?
[both] What are you saying?
I don't remember you complaining
while I was sucking you off.
Thanks, gorgeous.
I don't want any issues.
Just tell me
if you're serious about meeting me.
I didn't say any of that.
I gotta be organized.
I have two kids and a great wife,
but you really turn me on.
I'm a bottom.
Look, you cocksu
[splutters] Gonna head home now.
I think I should head out.
- Raúl.
- No, no, no, no. Shh! No!
- Do I call you?
- [Raúl] No!
And who doesn't suffer in this unbearable
and infected world?
Oh, damn conscience of mine!
[gasps] And who is capable
of setting foot on the street
without feeling a mixture of disgust
and sorrow and pity? [gasps]
And would you,
confronted with that swarming horde
of faceless forms,
so lifeless and so amorphous?
I would not.
I would spit on them all. [spits]
In an instant, I'd strike their faces
to jolt them from the deathly lethargy
in which they're living. [gasps]
Did I say "living"?
Dying.
Dying! [gasps]
[mutters]
- [Luis] In the police academy.
- [laughing]
- Ah, it was a classic play.
- Mommy!
- [laughing] Oh! Did you like the show?
- You were awesome, Mom.
- [Iris] It was like you were someone else.
- Wow, that's so sweet of you.
- I thought it was a bit too long.
- It was only 12 minutes.
That short?
- Mommy, I wanna be an actress.
- Me too!
Of course, just like the Bardems.
A family of actors.
Wait, you wanted to be an astronaut,
and you a vet, which I thought was great.
- Let it go.
- Look what you've done, Esther.
Let's cut the complaining and head home.
Hey, I'll see you later, okay?
- Come on.
- I'm playing paddle.
What? But it's already 8:30.
Then tell me when I can play, Esther. Hmm?
This way, yes.
What do you mean, you feel like a woman?
It was the first thing
that came to my mind.
I didn't know. Then I pretended to come
down with a sudden vertigo and ran out.
- So, you feel like a woman?
- As if I'd identify as a woman.
- Look at me, dude.
- [exhales]
Oh, by the way,
this is all your fault, huh?
It was meant for Pedro.
- Yeah.
- It is more believable coming from you.
So why'd you do it?
Didn't you say it was trivializing?
How did it feel being in line
for unemployment? Great, right?
Blame it on the course, dude.
You got the diploma.
[scoffs] But you'll have to get
psychologists and experts and all that.
That's transphobic.
Then what happened? I mean,
you told your boss, so now what?
I didn't get fired or anything.
I'll go back to work tomorrow,
like normal.
No, not like normal, no.
Put on some earrings or a wig, dude.
They won't fire you.
They don't have the balls.
Companies don't wanna get in trouble.
[Luis] Santiaga, you're getting yourself
into a mess.
Well, sounds like our friend is trans.
We really are an inclusive group now.
Fucking poodle shit.
Hey, it's five past. Time to leave, okay?
[exhales]
Hello.
Why'd you come here?
In case you wanted me to get you water.
Or
these chocolate puff pastries
I brought you.
Delicious.
[gasps] Thank you.
[knock on door]
Can I come in?
- Hey.
- [Esther] What's he doing here?
A little bird told me about the operation.
I've had enough of that little bird.
Wanna go get coffee?
Coffee at night? No.
[chuckles] She wants you
to leave us alone.
She could just say that.
[kisses]
Here you go. Flowers!
[chuckles] It's all they had
in the hospital store.
Uh, hey, your kids are waiting out here.
Oh, right, the kids.
- [chuckles]
- Brought your kids?
They really wanted to come see you here.
- And I'm gonna leave them with you.
- [video game chiming]
- [game voice] You've scored 200 points
- What now?
Apparently, there's a party tonight
hosted by the club for gays.
'Cause he told me he was playing paddle.
He made that up
so he could go to that circle-jerk party.
But then if if Raúl's here.
He's such an idiot.
I have to catch him in the act.
I'm gonna go crazy.
No, but, Esther,
you can't leave your kids here.
And once Iris's battery runs out,
she'll take great care of you.
What time will you be back?
Esther! [groans]
[bed whirring]
Uh, honey, could you not move
the bed? Thank you.
- [game voice] Better luck next time!
- [exhales]
Oh my God.
[exhales]
No, no, no.
I just really have to pee, huh?
- Oh, fuck. [clicks tongue]
- [door closes]
Excuse me. Look, would you mind checking
to see if this guy's in there?
Come on, thanks, huh. [huffs]
- [man exhales]
- Hey!
Listen. Did you see this guy in there?
- Hey, sorry. I'm in a hurry.
- He's bald and okay, bye, dude.
Asshole.
Uh, hey, sir, excuse me.
Could you help me out, please?
Uh, yeah.
Look, I need to find out if this man
in the picture is in there now.
I haven't seen him tonight, no.
What? Not tonight?
But you did another day?
I think he came all over me last week.
[splutters] Was he
Really great guy. [laughs]
Good guy.
[Luis] And where have you been?
Luis.
Are you gay?
Again with that question?
Come on, someone saw you at this gay bar.
Saw me?
But I've only been there once.
So you've been there?
- Yeah. No, we didn't actually go in.
- [gasps] Luis, no more lies.
Because I showed your photo
to this guy and he was leaving.
Recognized you.
You gave him a you-know-what.
I don't wanna say it again out loud.
Did you show my photo
to every hetero-curious in Madrid?
Enough with the euphemisms. For queers.
It's a club for queers,
and this was in the pocket of your pants.
We went with Raúl.
Raúl? Come on, buddy.
If you'd said Santi maybe, but Raúl?
Because his new friends
are giving him all these crazy ideas.
This is so disgusting,
and to think I sucked you off.
But, Esther, I'm not gay,
for Christ's sake. You're nuts.
Well, if you're not, you're up
to some weird stuff! Fucking class.
[gasps]
Hey, where are the kids?
- And I'm the one who does strange things.
- [door closes]
[Pedro inhales]
[grunts]
[man] Hey there, brother.
It's been a while.
You haven't changed a bit, asshole.
Hey, what's up, Fede? [laughs]
Not much, to be honest.
[Pedro sighs]
Mom did mention some time ago
that you were gonna help me out,
but I'd been waiting for a while.
Yeah, uh, paying
for your rehab doesn't count?
It counts. It does, yeah.
But, uh, I don't know.
Maybe you can hook me up with a nice job.
I'd be okay with three grand a month.
- Are you clean or?
- Yeah.
I go out jogging every morning,
and I've even adopted a dog.
My life these days is pretty normal.
It's shitty.
I'm now integrated into society.
[chuckles] That's great.
I mean, congratulations.
So why'd you call me? Do you have cancer?
No, no, not just yet. Not right now.
Okay, I don't wanna spook you
with this question.
Fire away, bro.
[slurps, gulps]
How would you rate
the potency of your semen?
[classical music playing]