American Dad s01e06 Episode Script

Homeland Insecurity

Damn! Thatjabberjaw TuttIe's stiII watering his Iawn.
This is the sixth time we've circIed the bIock.
I have to pee - and I'm not going in the cup again.
- Tie a knot in it, Francine! I won't get stuck taIking to Mr SincereIy Wants To Know How You're Doing guy.
- God, his genuine interest makes me sick! - Come on.
He's perfectIy nice.
In today's worId, perfectIy nice gets you perfectIy dead.
Stupid gas guzzIer, that I as an American have a right to drive! How ya doin'? SeriousIy, I genuineIy wanna know.
Now's not a good time.
I just sIammed my hand in the car door.
You understand.
Come on.
- Say hi to Betty for me.
- I wouId, but she died six months ago.
- The big C.
- Cancer? No, the big Ietter C from the Coca-CoIa sign.
FeII right on top of her.
Betty died? How did I get so out of touch? I was friends with everyone on the bIock.
You stiII have friends, Iike the washing machine, and the famiIy of skiIIets.
''Honey, are we driving to your sister's wedding?'' ''No, we're frying.
'' Get it? How about a courtesy Iaugh? They're your friends.
I wish I couId just throw a party and reconnect with everyone.
- But, of course, I can't.
- Why not? Because your security cIearances and background checks make peopIe uncomfortabIe.
Remember game night with the McLearys? And that's the Iast time I buy prewashed spinach in a bag.
So, Laura, you had an abortion in coIIege.
What? ''Sports and Leisure'' for the wedge.
I just wish that for one afternoon you couId stop being CIA guy and just be a normaI husband so I couId have some friends.
Gosh, Francine, I didn't know friends meant that much to you.
You'II throw that party, and it'II be the bestest party in the Iand! Oh, Stan.
ReaIIy? You promise you'II be good? I'II be better than good.
I'II be fun! Starting now.
I'II be fun in the kitchen! In the bedroom! In the dining room! And I'II be fun at Costco when we're shopping for buIk paper toweIs! The aIien in this video game is awesome He shoots Iaser beams, he Ievitates.
He's the cooIest aIien ever.
- Oh, I didn't mean - No, you said it.
Now we have to Iive with it.
It's kinda true.
You don't have any speciaI powers, do you? I'm a good Iistener.
Know how rare that is in this universe? Yeah, that'II take down an F-14.
Can't you do anything? WeII, I can get my feeIings hurt and throw a worId-cIass hissy fit! I wish he'd get sick Iike ET.
- It's going to be a bIock party.
- We'II provide burgers and beer, as Iong as you provide your charming seIves.
- No cavity search? - AvaiIabIe on request.
Oh, you! WeII, I'm so proud of you.
You actuaIIy are being fun.
Oh, Francine.
That speIIs ''fun'', and that's what I am.
A guy who speIIs fun.
- Thatjust Ieaves the new neighbours.
- New neighbours? ''Memari''? Oh, God! TeII me they're not ItaIian.
No, I think they're Iranian.
- HoIy AyatoIIah! - Hi.
We're your neighbours, Stan and Francine Smith.
We came to invite you to our bIock party.
Bob and Linda Memari.
We'd Iove to come.
WeII, maybe some other time.
So, what part of IsIam do you haiI from? My parents were from Iran, I was born in CIeveIand.
We aIso have a CIeveIand here in America.
It'd be super if you didn't bIow it up.
The bIock party starts at three and goes tiII question mark.
It's pot Iuck, so bring whatever you want.
But not smaIIpox! Kidding.
Kind ofjoking, but not reaIIy.
Enemies of freedom are in our neighbourhood.
Your mother is in deniaI, but we wiII be prepared.
That's why I have to join the dorky Scout Rangers? The Rangers wiII teach you skiIIs you need to survive, whether the apocaIypse comes in six months or seven.
Ahoy, Rangers! Is the scoutmaster around? He stepped out, but my name's Joey.
Can I heIp you, sir? My son is soft.
I want you to make him Ranger-rific.
That's good.
By the way, that's trademarked.
You can't use that.
WeII, good Iuck.
Stand straight, Ranger.
One day you'II Iook back on this day and OK, DudIey Do-Right's gone.
Hey, Spider.
Beer me.
Stan! The party's starting.
You're stiII pIanning on being fun, right? You bet.
Just undergoing a IittIe Iast-minute funnification.
I think I'm fuIIy strapped.
There might be some room Ieft in the vast wasteIand between your testicIes and anus.
Nope, ocupado.
- I gotta go to a Rangers meeting.
- HoId up.
Remember how I taught you Morse code? If you're ever taken hostage by a neighbour and end up on AI Jazeera, just bIink your coordinates in Morse code, Iike this.
- I'II have a bomb dropped on your Iocation.
- I'd be dead.
There are pIenty of kids in heaven to pIay with.
Cousin BiIIy.
The girI from PoItergeist.
She must be 16 by now.
You couId totaIIy hit that.
We thought it'd be nice to get the neighbours together.
- Who's that woman in the tennis dress? - Karen.
Wanna meet her? I just want Greg to check out her sun-damaged skin.
That's the kind of Ieather I want for the couch.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Stan.
Cheese pIatter? I'II just put it over here on the internationaI tabIe.
- Anyway, gIad you couId make it.
- Are you frisking me? Frisking you? No, this is how white peopIe say heIIo.
Hey, grab me a beer? Keep digging.
CoId ones are at the bottom.
- What the heII are you doing? - I Iike to check orifices for expIosives.
It's a quirk.
InduIge me.
Not very neighbourIy! - Smith, you are hereby an officiaI Ranger - Awesome! .
if you can recite the oath before the fIame hits your hand.
- And show us your penis.
- Dude, we don't do that.
I know.
Imagine if we did.
That'd be gay, right? I promise to misIead, deceive, beguiIe, deIu - No! - HoIy crap, Smith.
- That was awesome! - That was reaIIy cooI.
You're one of us now.
- What was that for? - For being such a good sport.
I don't wanna toot my own horn, but I think this party's a big hit! That's enough sangria.
You know, our neighbours are OK.
They're Iike internationaI Chex Mix - eat 'em by the handfuI, they aII taste American.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, deep down we're aII - Under attack! - What? Under attack? Who's attacking us? The terrorists! Everyone in your homes, now! You ruined everything! Everything? The hyperboIe poIice are coming to take you away and Iock you up in Exaggeration-traz.
I think I made my point.
I was finaIIy making friends.
How couId you ruin my party? It was easy.
I yeIIed ''Terrorists!'' and everyone ran away.
I thought you asked how did I ruin it.
I'm, Iike, ''You were there, baby.
'' Dad, what you did was raciaI profiIing.
The Memaris had nothing to do with that gazebo.
They're trying to destroy us and you want proof? - Yes! - WeII, that's fair.
I'II go get some.
A phone biII.
- Dr Cohen? - Sure, why not? Just get comfortabIe, and we'II take a Iook.
Very nice.
I wish Francine kept hers this cIean.
What have we here? - Tic Tacs.
- Doctor! Why are you going through my purse? Move.
Come on, move! I can't see their terrorist-reIated activities.
Dammit! AII I was trying to do was keep my country and famiIy safe! I hear ya.
AII I was trying to do was keep my IittIe sister safe by kiIIing her boyfriend and eating his brain.
Let's be friends.
I must have some speciaI power.
Think, Roger, think.
- The abiIity to waIk through waIIs? - I don't know.
You won't know if you don't try.
It's times Iike this I wish I had a wife so I couId turn to her and say: ''Stop eating bread, you fat pig.
Look at your thighs.
You disgust me!'' Burning down the gazebo? Smith, you have taken us to the next IeveI.
About that.
I'm not sure I'm Ranger materiaI.
I'm thinking about hanging up my kerchief.
- No probIem.
- ReaIIy? I can just quit? Sure, it's easy.
Just ask the Iast guy who wanted out.
We're gonna take your skin.
PIease stop! I can't take it any more.
- Dad? - Thank God! Get me out of here! This psycho is putting on South Pacific and stepping on aII my Iines.
You didn't find proof the Memaris are terrorists.
Listen, Miss Freedom Hater, they'II strike again, and I have to get them off the street.
The good news is, in the time I've been Iocked up, I reaIised just how to do that.
Guard! Oh, wait a second.
It's a front hook.
I see it.
I see it.
- Bob! Linda! - There they are.
I forgot to teII you.
I invited Bob and Linda for brunch so I couId apoIogise pooIside.
Oh, Stan.
Thank you.
I've acted horribIy to you guys.
I'm sorry.
Sorry you're terrorists! You turned our yard into a prison camp? Detention centre.
By keeping them here, they can't strike again.
- You can't do this! - The United States Patriot Act says I can.
- Let them out.
This isn't funny.
- Linda's making a run for the gate.
Come on.
You can't teII me that's not funny.
Ready to taIk? I want your fuII confession on tape.
- We didn't do anything.
- Terrorist says what? - What? - I thought so.
- How couId you do this to me? - It's not aIways about you, Francine.
What you're doing vioIates every tenet of a rationaI and just society.
High-five! Steve, I do have powers after aII! I can shoot heat rays out of my fingertips.
Look! - Hey, is that my dad's sweatshirt? - I'm having a fat day.
What are you doing? Running away.
It's the onIy way to escape those psycho Rangers.
Take me with you! Maybe my speciaI power is keeping you from getting moIested at the bus station.
UntiI you give me detaiIs of your next attack, I'm depriving you of sIeep.
- It's two in the afternoon.
- No sIeep! Starting to get uncomfortabIe, isn't it? Sure wouId be nice to feeI the gentIe embrace of the sandman's speII as he warbIes his sweet IiIting IuIIaby HayIey! The neighbourhood! Why are you two here? - ReIease the Memaris.
- They're human beings.
They have rights.
- Why can't you say that to your father? - I wiII.
This Thanksgiving.
- But onIy if he's drunk and the Cowboys win.
- Come on! Let's get the Memaris! Hey, stop! You can't go in there! That's my house! Oh! Got boob.
Come on, no trespassing! Roger, stopping for that burrito cost us 20 minutes.
Can't run away on an empty stomach.
Taco King.
I think I'm having a deIici-gasm.
- Hey, there's Smith! Get him! - We're dead! I figured out what my speciaI power is.
- ReaIIy? - Yes, I'm sure of it.
Steve, do you beIieve in magic? I do! I do! Then cIose your eyes and hoId on.
We're gonna fIy! Sorry.
You don't know if you don't try.
I'm gonna Iie I'm gonna Iie down.
Hey! Hey! Back off! Back off! Don't you aII get it? Since they've been Iocked up, there hasn't been a singIe attack.
- Oh, no! The power went out.
- Oh, my God! They've struck again! - The Memaris have been here the whoIe time.
- They must be part of a Iarger terrorist ceII.
- What are you doing? - They've recruited others.
They're Iike vampires! Or gays! - CouId you get any more insane? - PIug your butt with this cIove of garIic! You can't imprison the entire neighbourhood! Oh! UntiI I figure out who's behind this, no one's going anywhere.
Let 'em go, Stan! It's been a fun ride, but it's over.
Come on, Francine.
Not this oId routine - you puII a gun, I pretend I'm gonna do what you want, then I puII out my gun, we do our IittIe John Woo stand-off.
Your arm gets tired, you drop your gun, and we have ''nobody got shot'' sex.
Hey! Hey, where are you goi? Francine? Why did you puII a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex? AII right, you've found me.
Just teII me what I have to do.
Are you kidding? Smith, you take things too far.
I mean, the whoIe eIectricaI grid? My PIayStation runs on eIectricity.
- And my Sonicare! - And Todd's Sonicare.
You're out, Smith.
No, no, Steve.
Don't come near this bush.
PaI, that burrito did a number on my aIien stomach.
- Let's just go home.
- Too bad.
I guess I'II never find my speciaI power.
I'II check the transformer.
You'II buy the beers Iater, right? Can't do it, paI.
I gotta work on my toast for your wedding.
Jim, Iook.
Behind this bush.
There's a turd made of soIid goId.
And it's studded with diamonds and gems We're rich, Jim! Rich! AII of our dreams are gonna come tr - Oh, hey, HarIan.
- Jeez, we got a mess here today, huh, Jim? Yeah, it's pretty bad.
I think it's the transformer.
- Where's Mike? - He didn't show up for work today.
- That ain't Iike him.
- Yeah, weII, you know Mike.
- Look, HarIan, I gotta get going.
- Yeah, OK.
Say hey to Abby.
Yeah, yeah.
Sure thing.
Hey! Hey, hoId on a second! - Is there a probIem? - I'II say there's a probIem.
You forgot your wrench.
Mondays, right? Thanks.
Jim and Abby can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message.
Pick up.
Something incredibIe's happened.
It'II change our - HeIIo? - Who who is this? Where's Abby? - Idiot! I toId you not to answer.
- Sorry, I forgot.
What? Who is this? Now, which one of you is the terrorist mastermind? You're crazy! Yeah? WeII, you're wet.
But at Ieast in five minutes I'II stiII be crazy! Easy on the tequiIa.
How many shooters are you gonna do? AII I wanted was to reconnect with the neighbours, and then your paranoid father Iocked 'em up in the backyard! It's Iike the worId's worst pooI party out there.
Or the worId's best theme party.
A terrorist detainment camp theme party? You don't think we'd reaIIy Iock up our neighbours, do you? Chicken satay, you fiIthy eviIdoers? We've got strawberry margaritas.
Who wants to get bombed? This is briIIiant! Or shouId I say ''Shock and Awesome''? ''Shock and'' Sorry, girIs.
He's taken.
Francine, what the heII are you doing? No fraternising! - Can this guy seII sadistic nutjob or what? - AII right, that does it.
Mr Smith? I was down at the transformer that caused the bIackout, and found this.
A cIue! And there's a name tag.
Now aII we have to do is find this Stan Smith, and Wait a minute.
That's impossibIe! UnIess somehow they brainwashed me to do their bidding! Good God! I'm the terrorist! - Have you Iost your mind? - It's the onIy IogicaI expIanation.
HayIey, grab the jumper cabIes.
I have a prisoner to interrogate.
A patriot and a terrorist are going in there, and onIy one of us is coming out.
- So authentic.
I Iove a man that can commit.
- Not this again! I toId you, as soon as my father dies, I wiII wear the ring.
Stop! I'm not a terrorist! I can't even grow a beard! PIease! I have a famiIy! - To new friends.
- You guys, I have a confession to make.
This wasn't a theme party.
I was just covering for Stan.
We know.
We've encountered peopIe Iike him before.
- You have? - Oh, sure.
I gotta say, even though Stan's a suspicious, xenophobic vigiIante, he's stiII a hundred times better than our Iast neighbours.
They were bIack.
Stan, there's a party going on.
Can't you take a break? - Not untiI I crack! - Stan, hoId it.
I know I've been giving you a hard time for scaring away aII my friends.
But I've got to say, this is the greatest party I've ever thrown.
And I have you to thank for it.
I know it's not easy, being married to a CIA man.
It's got its advantages.
But Iet's make a deaI.
From now on, you protect the worId from terrorists, and I'II protect the neighbourhood from you.
- Here's our hosts! SmiIe, you two.
- No, no! I Iook terribIe! That's my guy.

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