American Dad s01e07 Episode Script

Deacon Stan, Jesus Man

- Stan, quit spying on the neighbours.
- Today's the day, Francine.
Today I wiII finaIIy beat that smug bastard Chuck White to church.
Look at him, zipping up his fIy Iike he owns the pIace.
WeII, today I get the shady parking spot.
Chuck stiII needs a tie.
He's a doubIe-Windsor man, so we have a good two minutes to Good God! A cIip-on! Go, go, go! - Wait! My bra! - No time! Keep your arms crossed and Jesus won't see 'em! - Stan, you just kiIIed a pigeon.
- No, I didn't.
Stan, sIow down.
Is beating Chuck White so important you'd put our Iives at risk? AbsoIuteIy.
- You ran through a crosswaIk! - No, I didn't.
HeIIo, Mr Perkins.
Spray him.
Spray him a IittIe.
That'II Ioosen him up.
Thank you! Dammit! Every freakin' time! Looks Iike you're parking in the sun again.
Remember our agreement that we couId each do one person and it wouIdn't count? - Yes.
You picked Susan Sarandon.
- I've changed my mind.
I want my one free kiII to be Chuck White.
Yours can stiII be George CIooney.
CIooney, you smug bastard.
Stop pIaying basketbaII and get married Iike the rest of us! And so, in cIosing, remember GaIatians 5:14.
''Love thy neighbour as thyseIf.
'' You know, peopIe often ask me what that means.
Can you beIieve it? Morons! Anyway, the most important Iesson God wants you to Iearn is Oh! Gotta go! God is good, DeviI's bad.
Deacon, you wanna sIap a bow on this puppy? Parishioner announcements: Stan Smith's daughter HayIey has made the dean's Iist at Groff Community CoIIege.
Congrats, HayIey.
What couId outshine that? How about Chuck White's daughter Betsy quaIifying for the OIympic gymnastics team? Jesus, Joseph and Mary Lou Retton! OK, I'II be taking the first Communion this morning.
For maximum saIvation, make sure you chew the Host compIeteIy That's odd.
I can't beIieve he choked to death.
Terry aIways nagged him not to taIk with his mouth fuII of saviour.
- I nagged him? Oh, that's nice.
- You nagged him.
I toId you it was not appropriate! Then I guess we need a new deacon.
Long hours, no pay, whiny churchgoers.
- You'd have to be an idiot to voIunteer.
- I voIunteer to be deacon.
- Me too! - Great.
Now we need an eIection next Sunday.
Guess I won't be fishing then either.
Shut the heII up, Marty! I need this trip more than you do! Gary When I'm gone, I want you to ride my bicycIe.
You're watching DeIta Burke in the Lifetime originaI movie ''A Cyst for AmeIia''.
Why so sensitive aII of a sudden? I'm going through my reproductive cycIe.
It's compIicated.
I'II draw you a diagram.
Every six years, my gIaxins shoot up into my fompairs, causing me to Iactate a viscous miIky mucus.
Your insides sicken me! I'II be in mein crapper.
I'm aIways in mein crapper.
- HeIIo.
How was church? - Waste of time.
- Love has a face.
- Stan, what's the big deaI? Chuck White offered to host the pot-Iuck wake whiIe I was in the bathroom! Damn my tiny, girIish bIadder! If we don't bring the perfect dish, I might as weII withdraw! You don't care about being deacon! You just wanna beat Chuck White.
- Why do you hate him so much? - Look at his Iife.
He's got a bigger paycheck, a nicer house, a better wife, better kids - That's incredibIy hurtfuI! - That's why I wanna shove it in his face! OK.
If it means that much to you, I guess we can bring chips and dip.
Chips and dip? I teII you what, Francine.
Why don't you take this broom here, I'II bend over and grab my ankIes, you Iube up the handIe reaI good, and just sweep me out the door.
Cos that's what'II happen to my chances at deacon if we take chips and dip! - I couId make potato saIad.
- Potato saIad? Unadventurous, but it gets the job done.
That reminds me.
Let's have sex tonight.
Oh, Cagney & Lacey!.
You were so much more than thick ankIes and carefuI poIice work.
- How's the potato saIad? - DeIicious.
You know what's even more deIicious? You have just eaten aII of Francine's potato saIad! You set me up, KIaus! Why wouId you do something so awfuI? I'm German.
It's what we do.
Add chopped ceIery, four eggs.
Just need to add mayonnaise, and Oh, God! We're out of mayo! But if I don't make more potato saIad, Stan's gonna rip my head off! When he does, keep bIinking your eyes as Iong as you can.
I have a theory to test.
GIad you made it.
Potato saIad.
Oh, that is just adorabIe! - Chuck, Christie.
Nice house.
- Smith, you Iive in a house.
This is a manor.
So you'd better mind yours! No.
Hi, Betsy.
Steve Smith.
We were in first grade together, - before you Ieft for gymnastics camp.
- Steve.
Great to see you again.
Are you stiII into the juice and crackers thing? No.
I'm on an uItra-strict diet.
I can onIy eat what Coach BéIa KàroIyi approves.
Lemon wedge? Fatty wants a Iemon wedge? Here's your precious Iemon wedge! You boys having fun? Good.
You know, I'd do anything to get eIected deacon.
- WeII, I'm sure the best man wiII - Anything.
Oh, my God! Have you tasted this potato saIad? It is amazing! - It is? - It bIows Christie's nachos out of the agua! Whoever made it, her husband shouId be deacon.
That's me! Stan Smith for deacon.
Deacon Stan, Jesus Man.
Stan, that was not my potato saIad.
There was an ingredient in there I can't put my finger on.
Oh, God! The guiIt! I can't take the guiIt any more! You know how I'm going through my reproductive time.
I have a diagram - Yes, yes.
We've aII seen the diagram.
- Last night, I ate aII your potato saIad, and I tried to make more, but there was no mayo, so instead I used WeII, puII my finger.
Mystery soIved.
I don't get it.
So what's the secret ingredient? We served aIien breast miIk to our church! If anyone finds out, Chuck'II sIaughter me in the race for deacon.
So I've caIIed in a speciaIist to heIp me with my campaign.
Did it suddenIy get coId in here? Francine, meet KarI Rove.
Let's get started.
I know you.
You're the amoraI puppet master behind George W Bush! Thank you.
Now, if you're going to beat Chuck White, we have to take inventory of your assets.
The boy.
You can count on Steve.
He's a IoyaI soIdier, KarI Rove.
I couId do even more.
Betsy White said she's Iearning CPR.
CouId put Chuck ahead with undecided choking voters.
- Put him in the girI's cIass.
- Yes! Thank you, Satan.
Next, the bIack sheep.
That was just a fraternity prank! I was bIindfoIded! - The peer pressure was enormous! - I mean your daughter.
She couId sink this whoIe eIection.
I mean, Iook at her.
She's cIearIy gay.
- I'm not gay.
- Whatever you say, butch.
Now, Francine.
Your potato saIad is the key to Stan's victory.
- It is? - The masses Iove it.
As Iong as you can keep feeding it to them, we win.
But what if I toId you it contained a horribIe ingredient? An unhoIy ingredient? UnhoIy, you say? Anything eIse? Where does your food go? I don't care what this quiz says.
I am a fIirt! Here.
Empty your mammary gIands into this paiI untiI it's fuII.
No, I don't think so.
I'm not in the mood.
- How about now? - Oh, you're a beast.
A beast! Oh, for God's sake! Roger, I'm sorry if I was insensitive, aII right? You're going through an emotionaI time.
I am! There, there.
It's going to be OK.
- You Iook very pretty today.
- ReaIIy? I'm trying a new rejuvenating mask.
WeII, whatever you're doing, it's working.
May I? Eat up, everybody.
Yeah, stuff your faces.
Stan, honey.
We've run out of potato saIad.
Oh, my God! No! Wait! Wait! I've got a stick of gum! Who Iikes Big Red, huh? Who Iikes Big Red, huh? Big What is wrong with you? We cannot run out of potato saIad again, or we wiII Iose on Sunday.
Damn! My car's been towed.
- Take it easy, OId MacDonaId! - There's bareIy any miIk in these.
He secretes more after he eats.
Stuff his face, and the miIk wiII fIow Iike the Iies from my drunken mother's fiIthy mouth! Oh, no.
PIease, don't.
It's aImost swimsuit season.
I just Why, KIaus? Why? Ja, stiII German.
Thanks for waIking me home from CPR cIass, Steve.
Can I teII you something personaI? I toId you about having to Ieave my underwear at DisneyIand.
I'm onIy doing gymnastics because my parents make me.
AII I do is practise.
In fact, you're the onIy boy I ever spent any time with.
I Iike those odds.
Wow! Second base.
Betsy White, what did I teII you about hand-hoIding? It Ieads to kissing, which can get you pregnant.
I touched her hand.
Her hand touched her boob.
By the transitive property, I got some boob.
AIgebra's awesome! Oh, sorry, Roger.
It's time to supersize you.
Stan, Iook what we're doing to Roger.
We have to stop this.
We can't stop.
The eIection is tomorrow.
Roger's fine.
KiII me.
Then what about me? I've been up for days making potato saIad.
- I can't think straight! My back is kiIIing me! - I know how hard you've been working.
So I got you some heIp from a Taiwanese sweatshop.
- I wiII not use sweatshop workers! - No, they're sweatshop managers.
- To heIp you use your time better.
- Break over! Back in kitchen! You fat, Iazy and stupid! He's choking on his feedbag! Stand back! I know CPR! - Hey, you didn't have to spit in my mouth! - Attaboy! Now, there are stiII a few voters who doubt I'd be a trustworthy Ieader.
So Iock our aIien back in that mechanicaI teat-sucker and make more brainwashing potato saIad! You deaf? You hear boss.
Go! Go! In my darkest hour, I thought God had forsaken me, but then, a miracIe.
The Panthers fumbIed and the DoIphins ran it back to cover the point spread.
And that is how I bought my Camry.
Ah, here we go.
OK, the votes have been taIIied.
Our next deacon is - Stan Smith.
- Yes! Yes! I am the chosen one.
You know what this is? A deacon fanny.
Yeah! Look at it.
Bet you wish you had one.
There's one person I'd Iike to thank, without whom this wouId not have been possibIe.
KarI Rove.
KarI? KarI, where are you? There he is! Come on up.
I'm good right here.
My work is done.
FareweII, Stan.
It's officiaI.
I beat Chuck White! Let's ceIebrate! Why don't we make Roger squirt us out a round of his deIicious aIien boob sIime? Nice try, but my reproductive cycIe's over.
Guess I got it out of my system.
Mom, Dad.
I think I think I'm pregnant.
You can't be pregnant.
You're a virgin! And a boy! TeII that to my swoIIen ankIes and tender nippIes! You know what? I just remembered, I have a sweater soaking in the sink.
- What did you do to my son? - How do you even know it's mine? He must have sucked out my egg during mouth-to-mouth.
So Steve is carrying an aIien baby in some sort of faux uterus.
How great is it that I started Xanax yesterday? You knocked up my boy? I warned you I was going through my reproductive cycIe.
- And FYI, honey, Steve came on to me.
- How couId you do this to me? This is what happens when you give it up for free.
- Why are you yeIIing at me? - I figured you'd be in this situation, - so that's what I prepared for! - What am I gonna do? Whatever you want.
A pregnant boy stiII has the right to choose.
Not in this house! We're conservatives, and the one way we don't Iike to kiII things is that way! Way to go, Deacon! Aw, put your money away.
Deacons drink for free.
You may have finaIIy beaten me, Smith.
But one day you'II stumbIe, and I'II have the Iast Iaugh.
That's not the one I mean.
- Hey, Mr Fishburne.
- Yo! What up, G? Two fingers.
Last time, he mistook me for Laurence Fishburne.
I just never corrected him.
What a mess! If they find out my son is pregnant, I'II Iose my deaconship, - and Chuck White wins again! - Stan, forget Chuck White.
Your son is confused and scared, and he needs you.
I said two fingers, bitch! Now, go be a father to your son, my strong bIack brother.
Stan, what's going on? You were right, Francine.
I've Iet this ridicuIous rivaIry cIoud my judgement.
This famiIy comes first.
That's why I rented this camper to drive us aII down to Mexico so Steve can have his baby.
- Mexico? - That's right.
Or as I Iike to caII it, God's bIind spot.
Steve, are you sure you want to have this chiId? Yeah, I guess so.
Roger, what do you say? - You ready, partner? - Oh, yeah.
It's not Iike I wanted to do anything with my Iife, Iike Iearn to surf or go to JerusaIem.
- Are you drunk? - Get used to it! Steve Smith? I'm gonna go in with Steve for his prenataI exam aIone.
It's kind of a father-son thing.
Oh, OK.
HayIey and I'II go say heIIo to the donkey running around the cancer ward.
Steve, I spoke to your father, and he informs me you have a growth you wouId Iike me to ''take care of'.
You know, that ''inside zit'' we taIked about.
So you want me to get rid of it.
But I thought we were conservatives.
We are - in America.
Down here, we're just Juan and Pedro Gomez, orange farmers from Oaxaca, who've come in for a deIicate procedure.
OK, Dad.
I know if Mr White found out you had a pregnant son, he'd be aII and you'd be aII, ''Every freakin' time!'' So I won't have this baby.
You think that's what this is aII about? Beating Chuck White? Am I that awfuI? - Dad, we're in Mexico.
I'm in stirrups.
- And I've been drinking.
You know what? The heII with Chuck White! And forget the deaconship! - Son, you're keeping your aIien baby.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Did you say ''aIien baby''? - No, I said ''doctor's corpse found in desert''.
Oh, right.
- Where have you been, Steve? - Hey, Betsy.
I was gonna caII you, but I'm kinda going through some stuff right now.
Boy stuff.
I stuck the Ianding for you.
That's how much I Iike you.
Wow! Sunday again, huh? Boy, that pissed by, didn't it? At Ieast tomorrow's TGIM.
- What? You got something better? - Father, may I say a few words? Oh! Whatever.
Man, I remember when you used to be abIe to smoke in here.
I wanted to thank you aII for eIecting me deacon.
UnfortunateIy, something unexpected has come up, and I have to abdicate my position.
- But why? - It's a bizarre situation.
Not 8 SimpIe RuIes Iet's-keep-it-going- after-the-father-died bizarre, but cIose.
Hands off! Just cos I'm your baby daddy doesn't mean I'm not pregnant any more! You must have passed it on to someone eIse.
How many mouths you been mouth-to-mouthing? Yeah, run! Run to the arms of your whore! It's what you're good at! - So, again, thanks for understanding.
- But you stiII haven't toId us why! Fine.
Let's see.
I I've been possessed by the DeviI.
- That doesn't sound very possessed.
- Say it into a microphone.
We'II caII you in Iowa once you get settIed.
So does this mean I don't have to do gymnastics any more? Of course it does! You shouId have thought of that before doing the spIits aII over town! - Steve! - Betsy.
Oh, this is aII my fauIt.
No, it's not.
I knew kissing got you pregnant, and I did it anyway.
Besides, I couIdn't be happier.
Gymnastics was a prison I'm finaIIy free from.
Now that I'm an unwed teenage mother, the worId is my oyster! Goodbye, Steve.
I'II never forget you.
So what if Chuck White is deacon now? So what if he has a bigger paycheck, a better car and a nicer house? None of that matters, because I've got
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