American Dad s02e14 Episode Script

An Apocalypse to Remember

Francine, you look great.
Steve, handsome as hell.
Hayley, can you get the door for us? Dad, I'm going with you.
Oh, sure, you're part of the family when we're going to a banquet honoring minorities in America.
- Hosted by Denzel Washington.
- Thank you, Steve.
But you won't even I've forgotten my point here.
Can you believe we're gonna meet Denzel Washington? He's like Harrison Ford dipped in chocolate! Here we are.
Time to celebrate our brothers from other mothers.
Dad, are you positive this is what the invitation said? Yes, yes.
Trust me.
You made us look like complete racists back there.
Did you even read the invitation? Of course.
I skimmed it for keywords, which were "black" and "face.
" It says, "Black People Changing the Face of America.
" What a boob.
- What was that, Steve? - Um, I, uh asked Hayley if I could squeeze her boob.
I love it when you kids get along.
Hurry up, Roger.
Grey's Anatomy starts in just three minutes.
Don't you think I know that! I'm trying to create a drink that matches the show in both taste and sinfulness.
I'm calling it The Sandra Oh Mm, I'd like to breathe her bath water.
Now blend, my beautiful blender.
Blend! Oh, no! What's happening? Well, I guess TV night's canceled.
Can't you just watch Grey's Anatomy with a non-blended drink? There's only one thing I do with non-blended drinks and that's drive.
Morning, everyone.
Come on! You're not still mad about last night, are you? We met Morgan Freeman,didn't we? You got to shake his hand, Steve.
I was prying it off my throat.
Boy, was he riled up! You know, he was the narrator in March of the Penguins.
Powerful, powerful piece of cinema.
Never saw it.
I need help, people.
My blender broke last night and I need a new one before the next episode of Grey's Anatomy.
Give me that.
I'll just put in this sharpening stone.
It worked for the garbage disposal which inexplicably broke that same night.
Stan, I wouldn't do tha The boob strikes again.
- What's so funny? - Oh, nothing.
No, he said, "The boob strikes again," and then you all laughed.
Who's the boob? Is that what you call me behind my back? It's just a nickname, honey.
It doesn't mean anything.
It's like Fatty or Baby Penis.
How dare you?! I have been making the decisions that keep this family on track for 20 years! I deserve a little respect! - You're in the pantry.
- I'm looking for peaches! Okay, people,the global thermonuclear attack drill is about to commence.
In order to ensure maximum verisimilitude, the exercise must be treated as 100% real.
Understood? Good.
Let's begin.
- Sorry I'm late, sir.
Is this real? - 100%.
Nuclear war?! Stan, are you sure? The CIA initiated atomic defense protocol.
We have to go now! What about Roger? Leave him, there's no time! Stan, he's right in the window.
You're in our hearts! Well, they're off to somewhere in a hurry.
Any luck finding me a blender? This one's pretty.
Pretty?! Bonnie Hunt's pretty.
This one's Bonnie Bedelia gorgeous.
- Who's Bonnie Bedelia? - Die Hard's wife.
Oh, It costs money.
Hey, what does this mean, "add to registry"? Oh, that's a bridal registry.
When couples get married, they choose the gifts they want to receive from their guests.
All I have to do is get married by next week and I can get my blender in time for Grey's Anatomy! I just need to find a really desperate girl.
Oh, then you should try JDate.
It's the place where Jewish singles meet.
JDate, huh? Klaus, these girls don't look that desperate.
Click on "over 35 and never married.
" Jackpot! Oh, God! Look at that one.
Oh! God! That's the picture she chose? That's how she advertises herself? God! Scroll down.
Further, further, I can still see her neck.
Here we are.
Safely away from all the devastation.
My God, it's really over.
Just think of all those dogs waiting to be put down.
All gone.
- What are we gonna do? - What are we gonna eat? - I can't swim! - Dad, I'm scared.
I want to say something, too! Now, listen to my every word if you want to live.
Hayley, you dig a fire pit.
Steve, you go find some berries.
Francine, you dig another fire pit since Hayley's will surely be piss-poor.
- What are you gonna do? - I'm gonna go gather some wood.
Anyone want to make fun of me now? - No, sir.
- Sounds like a good plan.
I'm also part of this conversation.
Oh, my God, my cell phone.
There must be other survivors.
Maybe one of our astronauts orbiting the Earth.
Hello? Am I speaking to an astronaut? - Yeah, this is John Glenn, butt munch.
- Roger, you're alive! First of all, your boss called about you leaving during the nuke drill and he was shouting.
Second of all, interesting footnote, - I'm not your secretary.
- What do you mean, "drill"? Are you telling me the world hasn't ended? Uh, no.
And by the way, thanks for saving me and the fish.
I see where we stand.
Oh, no.
Yeah, I can't wait till the family finds out.
If they think you're a boob now Oh, got to take this.
Hello? Well, sha-lo-oh-om.
Look, Dad's back.
Yes, and well, as it turns out This is difficult for me to put into words.
What? Just tell us what we need to do.
You saved us from nuclear annihilation.
We have complete faith in you.
Then your faith is well placed, 'cause we're the last ones left on Earth.
- What was that? - Mosquito.
If my family finds out the world didn't end, I'll lose their respect again.
But I can't keep them out here forever.
There's only one thing to do.
Concentrate very hard and try to switch souls with this beetle.
Stan, what are you doing? - Answer her.
That's your wife.
- Stan? - I'm looking for my contact.
- You don't wear contacts.
Then peaches.
Listen, I'm gonna go, uh Uh, nope, uh, rustle up some food.
Good, 'cause we're starving.
Not for long.
'Cause I'm going out to kill us some breakfast.
Trish, that Denver omelet was great.
A perfect follow-up to the chocolate chip waffles.
Nice recommendation.
You! You.
I'm so full and now I have to hunt something for my family.
I just hit a possum! Trish, do you have a bag or some kind of container? So I had to fire Theresa, hire a painter and get a new hygienist all in one week.
Oy vay z'mir! But I do well though.
I make a living.
I'm comfortable.
Waiter! - Never mind, We're okay.
- Oh, Jacob, I'm so impressed! You seem to have it all figured out.
Well, I grew up around some very strong women.
Can I say, Jacob, your nose job? The doctor did fantastic work.
You can hardly even notice it's there.
You like it? Dr.
I went in with a deviated septum and figured While I'm here! Boy, I've never told a guy about my nose job on the first date before.
It's a good first date.
What do you think about maybe doing it aga - Sherry, will you marry me? - It's Shari, and yes! Oh, Jacob, you have made me so happy! Ma, you won't believe it.
He asked me to marry him! Yes, the orthodontist.
Haven't seen the car.
I know, isn't it great! We did it, Ma! We finally did it! Oh, no, my wedding ring.
I must have left it at home.
Ta-da! - What is that, a rat? - It's a possum.
- We're supposed to eat that? - Well, you are.
Now, dig in.
We'll use the pelt for napkins and save the wishbone for game night.
Oh, my God.
Stan, it's a bear! Everyone remain calm.
Bears won't attack if you're perfectly still.
Quick! Let's get in the car.
No, running is certain death.
Hold steady.
Stan, the car's right there.
It's unlocked.
I've saved your lives once already.
Haven't I? Hold your position! We're gonna die! Hold! Hold! And that's how you kill a bear.
That was a close one.
- You folks on vacation? - Didn't you hear? All of civilization was destroyed by a nuclear holocaust.
I knew it was only a matter of time.
That's the reason I moved up here ten years ago.
The name's Buuuh Dang it, it's been so long, I forget.
Buuh, Bu Ba-ba Be Buckle? - Do, uh, people go by Buckle? - Some people go by Buck.
Buckle feels right.
How would you folks like to come by ol' Buckle's for a nice, hot meal? - Let's eat.
- All right! - You're a life-saver! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You don't need him.
We've got food.
I just killed a bear with deadly stillness.
You're gonna miss out on all the fun when the cubs come looking for their Mama and find her dead! God, I hope they're not too young.
Childhood stolen from 'em.
Forced to grow up before they're ready.
Oh, wait, bear testicles.
Yep, those are bear testicles.
Man bear.
There's no room for you in our stories.
Hey, wait up! This place is amazing.
Did you do it all yourself? Carved everything you see.
Hey, remember when I put up the shelf in the garage? We used to have paint cans all over the place but then I put up a shelf.
I was an Imagineer at Disney.
We'd build this crap in our sleep.
They had this machine that stole our dreams.
- Really? - Figuratively.
Its name was Michael Eisner.
Good one.
Such a command of the literal and figurative.
Oh, my God, that looks so good.
- Dad wanted us to eat possum.
- Nothing wrong with possum, son.
Other than the fact that it's riddled with parasites and could kill you.
I see what's going on here.
He's clearly jealous of my shelf.
Come on, everyone, let's go.
Dad, I'm tired and hungry.
Can't we just stay up here with Buckle? Good idea.
Could be mutants down there.
Mutants? What mutants? The people who survived the nuclear blast.
They've absorbed enough radiation to become Oh, how do I put this mutants.
If they infect you, you could become one of them.
They aren't any mutants.
- How do you know, Stan? - Because there's only been one mutant.
He was half-human, half-divine.
His name was Ricky and we kept him in a secret government lab.
Until he ascended to heaven after getting into the garbage and eating some chocolate.
Mommy, Daddy, come meet my fiancé.
Isn't he adorable! Russell Rothberg.
Can I get you something from the bar? Oh, I don't drink anymore.
Or any less.
Double scotch.
Jacob, I have spent the last ten years preparing the perfect wedding for my Shari.
Now, I've already booked the Crystal Room at the Hyatt for next June At the risk of sounding a little meshuga, it's really important that we get married by Sunday.
Jacob, what's the rush? It's, uh my Bubbie down in Boca.
The doctors gave her two weeks to live, and her last wish was to be at my wedding.
- But Sunday is such short notice and - Daddy, I want this.
Then you'll get it, princess.
We can have the wedding in my backyard.
I'll handle all the arrangements.
Mazel tov! Mitzvahs all around! I'm gonna top this off.
Finished! Buckle's got nothing on me.
This will provide shelter and hold things.
We don't have any things.
A shelf we don't even need.
Ugh, we should have just stayed with Buckle.
Maybe he still has some food left.
I'm starving.
No, no, I can do this.
I promise, I will find us something to eat within the hour.
But I can't promise anything.
There's got to be a mess hall around here somewhere.
All right! Hey, I'm gonna just go in the kitchen and steal your food.
Marlee Matlin sucks! Ah, you know, that's not fair.
I really enjoyed her work on The West Wing.
Takin' all the fruit from the helpless deaf kids Ooh! Ah, it's just one.
Francine, start the car! What? Buckle was right.
Mutants! No, don't shoot! You saved the mutant.
They bit Dad, and now he's one of them! Run! Wait! I'm not a mutant! Stay away from us! You have to believe me.
There's no such thing as mutants.
There's no such thing as mutants because the world didn't end.
You lied to us, Dad? Oh, I tell a great story and I'm liar, but Harry Potter does it, and he's your favorite writer.
I can't believe you, Stan.
How long were you planning on keeping us up here? - Forever? - What?! No.
Come on, kids, let's just go home.
You can ride in the back.
Wait! - Where are you folks going? - The world didn't really end.
So you're just leaving me here? Hayley, you and I were supposed to repopulate the earth together.
- What are you talking about? - You and me doing it all the time! Ew! You're creeping me out.
And you're embarrassing me in front of your family.
Uh, Hayley, can you wrap this up? Look, just go away.
It's never gonna happen.
- Ever.
- But I must have you.
Step on it, Mom! Don't be frightened by the way I look! I am gentle and kind! No, we were just playing! La-la la-la la La-la la-la la! Ugh, this thing is giving me carpal tunnel.
- I'll hold it, dear.
- No, you don't know what you're doing.
Ooh, there it is! Oh, my sweet.
Soon, we will be together.
Jacob! - Jacob, is it warm in here? - It's warm, dear.
Why don't you say something to the manager? Right away, dear.
That was a great vacation, huh, guys? Best thing Totally spontaneous.
We're not talking to you, Stan.
What are you mad at me for? I stopped Steve from shooting a deaf kid.
I'm a hero.
Hero? Thanks to you, I missed a week of school and got addicted to hallucinogenic berries.
That's right, they make me see colors, and I'm keeping them.
I was nearly attacked by a sex-crazed mountain man because of you.
Message received.
I will build you your very own shelf.
Why do we even bother? The boob strikes again.
It's him! It's the mountain man! He's found us! I don't see anything.
Dad's just trying to scare us again so we'll respect him.
- I swear it was him! - Enough, Stan.
No one's listening.
How come? Is it a volume issue?! Come on, Mountain Man, come to Papa.
Got you! - Stan, who's that? - The Mountain Man! - He's in disguise.
- That's not him.
Oh, that's the caterer for my wedding.
, everyone,there's a wedding.
There's gonna be chafing dishes, a carving station, and lots and lots of Jews.
I'm sorry,are you saying "juice?" No, Jews.
Lots of Jews.
It's a Jewish affair.
I'll be impersonating a Jew.
What are you doing out here? The Mountain Man could be anywhere! Stan, enough! This day isn't about you and your lies.
It's about Roger and his lies.
- So, you nervous? - Uh, little bit.
You got to admit, it was a pretty crazy plan.
Oh, wait, you're not in on it.
It's here! You excited, Jacob? Of course I'm excited! Well, nice meeting you, Mr.
I'm out of here.
Whoa, the wedding's about to start.
Yeah, look, I lied.
I'm not an orthodontist.
That's okay.
You can work for my greeting card company.
- I'm also not Jewish.
- You'll convert.
- I'm not even human.
- Who is? Oh.
You're strong.
I'm freaking out, Stan.
I'm not marriage material, and she's so desperate.
You have to help me.
Oh, God, here she comes.
Maybe I imagined the Mountain Man.
Maybe I am just a boob.
Uh-huh, here.
Put your gun in your hand and shoot her.
Look, Stan, I'm through messing around.
She's at the second row of chairs.
You have the shot.
Take it.
Take her down! Hi, baby.
Happiest day of my life.
Oh, my God, it's him! It's the Mountain Man! Dad was telling the truth.
I've come for you, Hayley! I got us a room at the Marriott! Dad, help! Out of the way! I'm passing over! Get it? Me, neither! Mazel tov! Daddy, do something! No one's looking at me! I am gonna cut you like day-old challah! Stop! No more Jew jokes.
I give up.
I never meant your family any harm.
It's just I haven't seen a woman in over a decade, and I'm so desperate.
Mazel tov! Stan, you really saved my tuchus back there.
- I'm sorry we doubted you.
- So you don't think I'm a boob? Oh, honey, everyone makes mistakes sometimes.
But it doesn't mean we stopped respecting you.
So, I guess what you're saying is, - I'm only human.
- That's right.
Give me a hug.
What do you think, man? I-I don't know.
I-I don't know what's going on.
Yeah, seems like a long way to go for such an easy conclusion.
'Course you've also ingested enough poisonous berries to kill a small elephant.
What? No, no, no it's okay, it's okay.
I'm-I'm in a good place.
I'm gonna be fine.
- I-I feel like I'm gonna be fine.
- Did you tell him he gonna die? - Yup.
- What? No, no, no, no, That's nice.
Yeah, right there.
Take my pollen.
When was the last time we went out? Well, there was the waterfall.
I mean, really went out.
I want to see a show.
Ugh, forget it.
I'm tired of looking at you.
- Go down to the lake.
- Fine.
Fine! Go down to the lake.
God forbid you should spend any time with me! Take a jacket! I love that man.

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