American Dad s03e11 Episode Script

# Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day # #The sun in the sky has a smile on his face # #And he's shining a salute to the American race # # Oh, boy it's swell to say # # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# #Good morning, U.
S.
A.
## - Hello, Hercules.
- Opa! Francine! - What you want? - Stan's been on a big mission and he gets home tonight.
I want to do something special, like prime rib.
No, no, no, no, no.
A man- he want lamb.
I give you four kinds of lamb.
Well, you never steer me wrong.
That's because I want you and Stan to be so happy.
Marriage was such a beautiful thing for me until my wife put her bike on the front of the bus and the driver no see her.
But I see her- every night when I close my eyes, with her many beautiful moles.
And I think, " Why, Athena? Why?" But I'm ready to move on.
I'm out there.
I just bought Rollerblades.
Oh, Hercules.
You'll find someone.
Yes! You make me believe.
Lamb is on the house.
No, no.
I can't do that.
I got caught up in moment.
You pay me now.
Horny, I'm home.
L- I mean, honey, I'm horny.
L- I mean, Francine, I'm horny.
Oh, Stan, I missed you.
And I'm horny.
Oh, Stan, don't ever put a bike on the front of a bus.
Don't worry, baby.
The bus is for foreigners.
Hello? Mama! - Oh, no.
Not again.
- Stay right there.
I'm coming, Mama.
Mama's new boyfriend just left her.
Can you imagine? Yes! Because it happens, like, three times a year.
Three being the average.
Steve taught me averages with cupcakes.
There, there, Mama.
You don't need him.
- Jerry's a jerk.
- I don't understand.
We had such a good time on our first two dates.
Then we were at the movies.
He went to get popcorn and never came back.
Oh, I had to watch the whole thing by myself.
Adam Sandler had a remote control.
I didn't know what was happening.
To hell with Jerry.
Any guy would be lucky to have you.
This happens with every gentleman I see socially.
Maybe I'm just unlovable.
- Fishing.
- What's that, dear? - You're fishing! - Francine! My mother's very vulnerable right now.
Every guy she goes out with dumps her on the third date.
And why wouldn't they? She's all dried up.
Her uterus is an abandoned theater.
Nothing in there but old playbills and memories.
- Some say there's a phantom that only comes out at night.
Shh, shh, shh.
Don't be scared.
It's just a legend.
Is Grandma still sad? There's the matter of two bounced $10 Christmas checks to attend to.
Nope.
Still milking it.
Oh, Stan.
At least I have you.
You'll always be my number one man.
And you're my number one gal.
What about me? Francine, I can't put a number on you.
But you're definitely woman " B" in my life.
Yes, about six foot, blonde, stacked, not afraid to get down with a fish.
Oh, and this is very important.
She must be nine months pregnant.
Hello? Klaus, were you just ordering a hooker from the yellow pages? Oh, no, no.
I was just, um, looking to see if there was a plumber in the area who could- Yes! Yes! I'm so lonely! I haven't felt the touch of another human being in six years.
I just want to be held.
There, there.
- You're not alone.
- Oh.
Thank you, Steve.
Here's a $100 bill.
Don't look at me, because I won't look at you.
Oh, look who's got tickets for the gun show.
Ka-pow! I cannot go back down there.
Stan's mom is here after being dumped for the billionth time.
Oh, Betty's here? I love her.
You don't even know her.
Every time she visits, you're plastered.
I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh.
Tacos! Who's crying? So I've had a drink in my life.
But I'm sober now.
This is my white month.
Thirty days with no alcohol.
Just clean living.
Got the idea from the Swedes.
Amazing people, unbelievably shoddy furniture.
Now, who does Betty know me as? Cousin Phil, number 302.
God, that woman's manipulative.
She uses her personal drama as an excuse to come here take over Stan's life and elbow me out.
Threatened by the visiting mother-in-law.
Cliché! Ah, you don't know what you're talking about.
They are way too close.
Francine, this is all in your head.
Just like my wedding to Valerie Harper was all in my head.
Okay, Roger.
You're right.
Stan and his mother's relationship is perfectly normal.
You know, I have a headache.
You mind going to my medicine cabinet and getting some aspirin? Ooh! Stairs! Give me a chance to blast my calves.
Ka-boom! Ba-bam.
Ba-boom.
Ba-bam.
Ba-boom.
# What do you do when your mom's unhappy # #Jerry left her feeling crappy # # Sing her a chantey, nice and snappy Wash her in the bathtub # # Wash, wash, wash your V.
J.
Scrub, scrub, scrub your V.
J.
# # Rinse, rinse, rinse your V.
J.
Next we'll do your tushy # #Wash, wash, wash your tushy Scrub, scrub, scrub your tushy # # Rinse, rinse, rinse your tushy Wejust did your tushy ## I told you it was complicated.
No.
No.
No.
Changing planes at O'Hare is complicated.
Th-This is- This is just- - Frannie, what is this? - Well, it all started when Stan was a little boy and his father left them.
- Is it my fault? - Stan, look at me.
Kind of.
- Don't worry, Mama.
I'll take care of you.
- I know you will.
That's my little man Stan.
So, from that moment on, Betty relied on Stan for everything.
She tried to find love, but it never worked out.
And Stan was always the pillow she'd cry on.
So, have you talked to Stan about this? I've tried.
But he doesn't think there's a problem.
Well, we'll talk to him together.
I'll make him see there's a problem.
Too close to my mother? How dare you! I'm all she's got! Yeah, Francine.
This is the man's mother, for God's sake.
- What is wrong with her? - But you were the one who said we should talk to him.
Yeah.
About the possibility of switching from cable to dish.
I didn't know I was gonna get dragged into your psychodrama.
- I vote dish, by the way.
- Francine, my mother is not manipulating me.
Our relationship is completely normal.
And if you keep upsetting me, then I'll have to retreat to my safe place between her breasts.
- Roger, what the hell? - Yeah, I panicked.
Listen, talking to Stan is the wrong way to go.
- But you said- - Yeah, keep interrupting.
That's helpful.
Look, until Betty gets a man of her own, she won't let go of Stan.
But she's a disaster at picking men.
So we pick one for her.
One who won't blow her off after three dates.
Roger, that's a great idea.
And I know the perfect guy.
Fantastic.
All I ask in return is that you vote with me on the dish.
Wait.
Did I make that up, or is that real? Is there even a vote? I don't know what's real.
Oh, man.
This is not gonna be fun.
Hey, Steve.
- Hey, Klaus.
What's up? - Ja, this is Klaus.
- How's it going? - Good.
Okay.
Look.
Um I don't know if you remember, but you picked me up a while back.
Look, there's no easy way to say this.
I just found out that I have ich.
- So you might have it too.
- Ich? - Isn't that a fish disease? - Ja.
So I'm just trying to be responsible.
- I'm calling everyone I've been with to- - Everyone? You told me you hadn't been touched in six years.
Yeah.
And you took the hundred dollars.
No one's a saint here.
- Oh, my God! - Yeah.
Well, I'll let you go.
- You probably have some calls to make yourself.
Sorry.
This is gonna be a tough one.
Carlos when you were at your cousin's funeral in Valparaiso I had sex with Cynthia.
Francine, Stan's coming home soon.
- He needs me to be there to greet him.
- This'll take one second.
Opa! Francine! How was the lamb? Oh, you got the lamb here.
I thought it was a little fatty.
Hercules, I'm sorry.
- She doesn't know what she's- - No.
She is right.
It was not good lamb.
I wrestled morally but the man who bring it is my sister's husband, so I sell shoddy lamb.
You know your lamb, lady.
- I am Hercules.
- I'm Betty.
I would love to talk more about the lamb.
Say, over lamb? We are laughing about lamb.
We are living! So the woman- she say, " No deal.
" Then she opened her own case, and inside was only a penny.
- No! - Yes! She give up $70,000.
- I would die.
- Don't die.
Kiss me.
Deal.
- Oh, my God! They're kissing! - I know! I know! I know! You ever notice how Rolos make you drool? - What's going on? - Stan, now don't be upset but I set your mother up with Hercules.
No.
It's too soon.
Poor woman just had her heart broken.
Don't you get it? She's as raw as the Wu-Tang Clan like it.
Oh, Francine, Hercules is wonderful.
We're going out again tomorrow night.
I hope this one sticks.
I hope it does too, Mama.
Anything goes wrong with this guy, it's your fault.
Oh, what could go wrong? They're both lonely.
They both like each other.
You're a fool, and I'll tell you why.
Grandma Chase-'Em-Away always blows it on the third date.
So, ta-da! - You stole her address book? - That's right.
I'm gonna call up Betty's previous suitors and find out what sent them all running.
That way we can coach her so she doesn't screw things up with Hercules.
Yep.
We're gonna teach that lady how to please a man.
Oh, I wasn't making a point.
I was just low on potassium.
I can't believe my stupid friends won't hang out with me.
I told them, as long as they don't touch me, they can't get ich.
Oh, they are totally uncool, Steve.
Oh, look.
I'm getting married.
Steve, no.
Don't give me a boy bride.
L- Oh, you're teasing me.
You're insinuating I'm gay because I'm marrying a boy.
Salacious! Francine.
Thank God.
I've been waiting for you.
- Roger? - Meet me in the attic.
I have something important to show you.
Morning.
I was just in there.
Oh, look.
Here's some bologna.
I, uh- I've been up all night doing research.
You know Betty's boyfriends, the ones who keep leaving her? Well, they're not leaving her.
They're disappearing.
Missing.
Missing.
Missing.
Missing.
Missing.
Me buying chocolate in Solvang.
Missing.
Missing.
- I don't understand.
- They're not breaking up with her.
Betty Smith is a black widow.
She dates, and then she kills! - What? That's crazy.
- No.
She's crazy.
Think about it.
She lives for her son's attention.
What better way to get it than by constantly being dumped? - We have to tell Stan.
- But he'll never believe us.
He'll have to believe us.
We have proof.
My mother is a killer? Stan, I know this is hard to hear, but we have proof.
- Roger.
- I don't know what she's talking about, Stan.
First you say my mother and I are too close.
Then you accuse her of being a killer.
Will you stop at nothing to drive a wedge between us? No, Stan.
Look at the evidence.
I don't have time for your craziness.
- Roger! - I'm sorry, Francine.
He's a big, scary man.
Plus his mother kills men and eats them.
- She eats them? - No.
It's called exaggeration, and we all do it.
Oh, my God.
We have to warn Hercules.
- Klaus, where's Betty? - Hercules just picked her up.
They went to Les Pantalons Fancie for dinner.
Francine, they're on date number three! - We have to go save Hercules.
- And we have to go in disguise.
Right.
'Cause otherwise Betty would recognize us.
I guess, if you need a reason.
I just need to justify my dry-cleaning carousel to my accountant.
- You have an accountant? - I have an accountant costume.
What's going on? I can't hardly see.
They seem to be having a good time.
What is her plan? How is she gonna do this in a public place? That guy's big head's in my way.
Hey, Easter Island.
Move your fat head.
- Shh! - Oh, I know you didn't just shush me.
Ooh! Look, girl.
He's going to the bathroom.
And she's following him.
She's right behind you.
Do not go in there, " Hercule"! That poor man.
This is all my fault.
We've gotta go save him.
I agree.
Right after my soufflé comes I will join you, and we will save him.
Mmm.
Mmm, mmm! What's this? Honey butter? That's a good roll.
Hercules, I'm coming! Betty! It's over, Betty.
Stan! Francine, I can explain.
She's my mommy! So for 35 years you've been killing your mother's dates? No.
I've been abducting them and dumping them on an uncharted island.
Killing them.
You've seen too many movies.
After my father left us my mother was devastated.
I was all she had - and I did everything I could to keep her happy.
- Oh! But then she started dating again.
And I knew these men wouldjust break her heart, like my father did.
So I did what any rational loving son would do.
When they took her out, I took them out.
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
I have an amazing capacity for love.
Anyway, gotta go kidnap a Greek guy.
Stan, come back! - Where's my mom and Hercules? - Mmm, mmm! I might lose my toes to diabetes, but it was worth it.
- Roger, where's Betty? - Oh, she left with the Greek.
I guess there was some craziness in the bathroom, and he was all like " Life's too short.
I'm taking my lady to Greece.
" And she was like, "Oh, my God.
I was so scared you weren't gonna come back from the bathroom.
I love you.
" Then he yelled, " Oprah!" and I dropped a peppermint, and I missed the rest.
Oh, my God! He's taking her to Greece! - I'm coming, Mama! - Stan! - We need to get to the airport.
- You go.
I gotta get home.
I got term papers to grade.
Klaus, guess what.
I went online and found out there's a cure for ich.
You can buy it at any pet store.
Look.
A cure! Hooray! I had no idea.
That is something of which I am just now learning.
Oh, my God.
You knew.
You knew there was a cure for ich.
What? That-That-That-That's crazy.
Why would I infect you and not tell you there's a cure? So- So your friends would shun you and you'd be forced to come home early and spend time with me for a change? How absurd! Listen to how crazy absurd you sound.
Do you want to make cookies with me? That's exactly why you did it! You're sick.
You're sick! Get out! Go back to your world! Klaus, what's wrong? Oh, nothing.
It's- It's just I haven't felt the touch of another human being in six years.
Oh, you poor thing.
Fish can't get herpes, can they? All right.
What's the fastest way to the airport? Should I take the freeway, or should I take surface streets? Surface streets or freeway? Surface streets or freeway? Surface streets or freeway? - Freeway.
- Surface streets! Damn it! Come on.
It's green.
I need to make this light.
Get off your phone.
I have to- And now it's red.
Oh, bravo.
Bravo.
- Has the 8:00 to Athens left yet? - They're boarding now.
Excuse me.
Trying to merge.
Not trying to get ahead of anybody.
Just merging.
This isn't a contest.
Fuck you! Fine.
I'll take the shoulder.
Excuse me.
Trying to merge.
L-I'm just trying- Fuck you! I'm coming, Mama.
Oh, okay.
First time peeing in an airplane.
You're a little nervous.
There's no shame in that.
Just relax and- Sir, may I see your ticket? Blanket? Blanket? Blanket? Francine? But how did you- Freeway! Stan, this is ridiculous.
You have to leave your mother alone.
I will-just as soon as I ditch Hercules on a deserted island.
Attention, everyone.
Let's all give a big opa to Betty and Hercules, who'vejust decided to get married! - Opa! - Mmm.
- No.
- You see, Stan? Look how happy she is.
There was a time when you two needed each other but she's moved on and you have to do the same.
Let her go.
- Or I can stab him in the neck.
- No! Don't touch my mommy.
What do you think you're doing, young man? - Saving you.
- Saving me? I don't need to be saved.
- But, Mama- - You've been the perfect son but I finally have a chance at happiness, and I'm taking it.
But what about me? Honey, you're the luckiest guy in the world.
You have a woman who loves you.
- You? - No! The wonderful woman who's put up with us for all these years.
Now, I'm gonna need you to sit back down because there's an air marshal pointing a gun at your head.
Oh, hey.
Look, I know I was about to attempt murder but it's cool, because I'm about to reconcile emotionally with my wife.
A toast to the happy couple.
- And to my number one gal.
- Oh, Stan.
- Betty! - Oh, that's so strange.
- Betty! - Sounds like someone shouting my name.
It's the call of the Greek sirens.
They try to ensnare you in their web of love.
- I think it is working.
- Mmm.
It's working on me too.
- Mmm.
- Betty! Betty! Betty! Betty! Betty! Betty! Betty! Betty, it's Benny! Betty.
Betty, Betty.
Betty, over here.
Hey, you guys want to keep it down? I'm trying to watch TV.
I've gone crazy.