American Dad s03e12 Episode Script

# Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day # #The sun in the sky has a smile on his face # #And he's shining a salute to the American race # # Oh, boy it's swell to say # # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# #Good morning, U.
S.
A.
## It'll be all right, Julie.
I'm sure Craig'll turn up.
He's been missing for three weeks! Oh, honey, I know.
But we knew what we were in for when we became C.
I.
A.
Wives.
The secret business trips, the late night " rendezvouses.
" Maybe he's deep undercover like a kitty cat in a fluffy bed on a cold winter night.
I just feel so lost without Craig.
He was always there for me.
Whether I was laughing or crying or having an especially heavy period.
It's just not like him to disappear.
He'd tell me if he was going somewhere.
He tells me everything.
And now he could be dead! Oh, my God! He tells you everything? He shares with you? Yes.
Every night, he gets home from work, gives me a kiss and a hug.
And then we talk about our day.
He tells you about work stuff? Well, of course.
I'm his wife.
We share everything.
- Huh.
Hi, Stan.
- Hi.
- How was work? - Fine.
- Anything exciting happen? - That's confidential.
- Dinner? - Monday Night Football.
See you in bed.
No! - Julie seems pretty sure something bad happened to Craig.
- Hmm.
- Stan, Craig is your friend.
How do you feel about that? - Sucks.
Damn it, Stan! How come you never share? You never talk to me! What's there to talk about? He's probably just on a secret mission.
No.
She said he would have told her about that.
He tells her everything- unlike you.
I don't even know your favorite color.
Francine, I'm a C.
I.
A.
Man.
Sharing, opening up- I'm just not that type of guy.
Do you wanna be? Whoa! Whoa! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Roger Smith, pretend psychiatrist.
Sounds like you could use my help.
Roger, you can't just throw a wig on and call yourself a doctor.
I'll have you know I studied at the feet of a master- Dr.
Phil.
It's Oprah approved.
Oprah! Oprah! Oprah! Oprah! Oprah! Oprah! Oprah! My card.
The only currency I accept is the joy I get from helping my patients.
This is a seven of diamonds.
Yeah.
You're gonna have to write my fake phone number down on that.
Klondike 5-2487.
Stan, I think we should give Roger a chance to help us.
What? Not in a thousand years! Fine.
Then we'll just go see Dr.
Nussbaum for 150 an hour.
Fine.
We'll just use Roger.
Operator, connect me to Klondike 5-2487.
Putting you through now, sir.
She's putting me through.
You girls want some sugar water, huh? Bee-trice, Bee-yoncé and the pride of the hive, Queen Jamie Bee Curtis.
Rumor has it she was born a drone.
Steve, the science fair was months ago.
Get rid of those filthy insects.
Don't listen to him.
He's just jealous.
Oh, Your Highness is going out for her morning constitutional.
What have you done? Relax, you freak.
It's just a bee.
I'm glad that whore bug is dead.
She wasn't a whore! She was a beautiful specimen who captured the heart of one lonely and sensitive ginger-haired boy! Never cry over a whore, Steve.
Never! Mama.
You like staring at those long gams, don't you, Mr.
Soprano? - That's it! - Stan, he was just breaking the tension.
Or creating some.
You said you'd do this for me.
Okay, if we're gonna get you to open up, Stan we're gonna have to use some unconventional methods.
What are you thinking, Roger? Shock therapy? Reverse psychology? Forward psychology? No.
I'm gonna use something far more effective and cutting edge.
Feelings! The game of feelings! Now, in Feelings, there are no winners or losers.
Or dice or game pieces.
What the hell, eBay? - Let go of me! This is stupid! - You're stupid! I'm sorry.
That was unprofessional.
I've been a bit consumed with one of my other patients.
He's a complicated teenage drug addict who's being molested by me.
Francine, the problem here is that Stan's built a wall around himself.
Close your eyes, both of you.
We're gonna do a communication exercise.
In nature, a horse will not offer you his hoof until you gain his trust.
And to do that, you must communicate from your heart.
Go ahead.
Open your eyes.
Hello.
I'm Clip-Clop.
Let's see who can earn my hoof, shall we? Francine? How are you, Mr.
Clip-Clop? Do you like being petted? Will you honor me with your hoof? Stan, get the camera! Okay, Francine.
Good work.
Stan? Give me your foot.
- It's a hoof, and you have to earn it.
- Give me your damn hoof! Neigh! Neigh! You're spooking me! Neigh! Neigh! What the hell are you doing? I'm playing a role, sir.
What are you doing? Just a bug, huh? Filthy insects? Oh, they'll see.
They'll see the true power of the bee! You will be avenged, my sweet! # It's so hard # #To say good-bye # #To yesterday ## Francine! I think he's about to make a breakthrough! Stan, Francine is here.
- Francine? - I'm here, Stan.
Someone wants to come in, Stan.
I'm- I'm scared.
Tell him you want to come in, and you have a present.
I want to come in, and I have a present.
- What's the present? - Love.
It's love, Stan.
It's love.
And it's very heavy.
And I'd like to come in and put it down.
You can come in, Francine! You don't even have to wipe your feet! My favorite color is blue! My lucky number is three.
My favorite movie is The Burbs.
And I'm terrified of fountains.
They're unnatural.
To force a rainbow angers God! Oh, Stan! Now you're sharing just like Craig did with Julie! This is exactly what I wanted! I'm so proud of you.
- Are you really scared of fountains? - Terrified.
The last time I walked by a public fountain, I freaked out and ripped a duck's head off.
It hadn't even provoked me.
I just had a dream where Steve and I were on a boat! You'll never believe what happened at work.
The C.
I.
A.
Was making a promotional video with Tom Selleck! Nobody saw him, but I heard he was around.
I like seeing a woman's panty lines.
Oh, and I hate frozen lemonade.
Who is it that keeps demanding colder and colder drinks? Some sort of beverage tyrant, seems like.
This is so great.
I feel like I can tell you anything, Francine even my deepest, darkest secret.
- Oh, Stan! If you think you're ready! - Okay.
I know where your friend Julie's husband is.
You do? Oh! That's great! She'll be so relieved! Where is he? - Buried in a construction site.
- What? Yeah.
I killed him.
He's dead.
C.
I.
A.
Made me do it.
I killed your best friend's husband.
It feels so good to share! I feel like a changed man, Francine.
You've turned the spigot on, and the secrets are just flowing out! You-You really did that toJulie's husband? Sure did.
Killed him.
Killed the crap out of him.
But Craig was your friend! How could you do this? I had to.
He told Julie everything.
So the C.
I.
A.
Designated him a blabbermouth.
That's why they made me stab him in the throat.
Stop! Please, just stop talking! - With a potato peeler.
- Enough! Look.
I don't want to hear any more of your sharing! I was wrong, okay? L- I can't be around you right now.
But the spigot's on! And once it's on, it can't be turned off! Who am I gonna share with? Steve? - That ginger-haired bastard's got enough problems.
I didn't know what to do.
So I just told everyone I sat in smelly motor oil.
Julie! You're here! With Stan! Francine, you never told me your husband was such an open book.
He reminds me of Craig.
I hope he's okay.
There, there, Julie.
I'm sure he's fine.
I can feel it in here.
Honey, can I talk to you? How can you buddy up toJulie after what you did to her husband? You're the one who wanted me to share.
You said you didn't want to listen anymore.
So I found someone who does.
Really? And did you tell your new best friend your deep, dark secret? Are you kidding? She'd go straight to the C.
I.
A! They'd designate me a blabbermouth, kill me, grind me up and mix me into the local bologna supply! Not-Not that the C.
I.
A.
Does that.
You should keep eating bologna.
It's good for you.
She was great.
You guys would have loved her.
She was a queen of the people.
Approachable yet regal.
And funny.
Is that a beehive? You got more of them? Why the hell would you do that? Not because you killed our queen, and I'm building a winged army of vengeance.
It's not that.
It's not that at all.
It is that.
Roger, I need some advice.
- Sorry.
I've got something in my teeth.
Continue.
- I don't know what to do.
I don't want Stan sharing with me anymore because- Well, it's- It's become a little disturbing.
Oh.
So tell him you're done sharing.
I did.
But now he's sharing with another woman.
Francine, Julie's searching for a man to fill the role of her missing husband.
And the new touchy-feely Stan fits.
So what do I do? Show her Stan's not perfect.
As I recall, he's got a peculiar phobia of fountains.
Yeah.
MaybeJulie wouldn't find my husband so comforting if she saw him decapitate a duck.
Thanks, Roger! Finally! Oh! Can't tell you how long that's been in there.
Looks like some sort of skin.
Maybe from a red pepper? Or a tomato.
Weird.
I've never eaten a vegetable in my life.
Hey, Julie.
Stan wanted me to let you know that instead of coffee at our house today he wants to meet you at the park instead.
Yeah.
By the fountains.
The public water fountains.
Have fun.
Oh, it was a pomegranate.
That's what was in my teeth.
Look at this thing.
It looks like a woman's baby cannon.
I know we're in the middle of a show but that was American Dad's Oh, my God! Your brand-new Cutlass Supreme is waiting outside.
Speech! Speech! Okay, okay, okay.
Thank you.
Uh, wow.
Our 1,000th vagina joke.
Gosh, where do I start? I guess I'd like to thank vaginas everywhere.
They're creepy and I don't know what they're for, but, boy, are they funny! Thank you! What the hell is going on? - Francine! - This is a public water fountain! You're supposed to be freaking out! I'm sharing all my fears with Jules, and she's helping me conquer them! - Hey, I'll get us some frozen lemonade.
- Mmm! Sounds delish.
- You're-You're drinking frozen lemonade now too? - Eating.
You eat ice.
That's it, Stan! I'm sick of you spending every waking moment with Julie! Francine, show some compassion.
Her husband is missing.
Because you killed him! Hold that thought.
Hello? You got it.
Well, Francine, you can put your petty jealousy aside for a few days.
I got to go to Laos and take care of another blabbermouth.
Wink, wink.
Think I'll use a corkscrew this time.
Don't tell me any more of your secrets! We're both on the same bike! See? See that, Marty? That's a real tandem bike! When are you gonna make more money? Oh.
Hi, Julie.
I'm surprised Stan didn't tell you he's out of town on business.
Oh, he did.
I'm just dropping off some tangelos for when he gets home.
His immune system gets a little weak when he travels.
He was a preemie, you know.
I know that! Stan tells me about that every time we make love! Which is forever! And besides, shouldn't you be looking for your missing husband instead of getting tangelos for mine? Look.
I understand you're upset because your relationship with Stan isn't all you want it to be, but- Well, it's not my fault he tells me everything.
Well, he doesn't tell you everything.
Trust me, Francine.
He-He does.
Trust me.
He doesn't.
Oh, I'm pretty sure he does.
Did he tell you he killed your husband? Oh, my God! I'm-I'm so sorry.
L-The C.
I.
A.
Made him! I wasn't supposed to- - I'm going to the police! - No! If this gets to the C.
I.
A.
, they'll kill Stan for being a blabbermouth! Then maybe you'll see what it's like to lose your husband! I already lost Stan once, at a flea market.
I won't lose him again! Sorry I gagged you.
I was gonna gag you with a spoon.
You know, sort of an '80s throwback.
But then I thought, "Who's that for? Who am I doing that for?" Hey, honey.
How's it going? Oh, fine, fine.
Everything's fine.
What was that? Nothing.
Just killing a rat with a tambourine.
Well, I was just calling to check in.
Laos is amazing.
Still haven't found that blabbermouth.
But when I do, I'm gonna kill him so bad Death'll throw me an ice-cream party.
Stan, maybe all blabbermouths don't have to die.
Maybe the C.
I.
A.
Can be reasoned with.
Oh, Francine, sweet, naive Francine.
That's so stupid.
Stan, there's something I have to tell you.
Oh, I got to go.
A delightful monkey just took my plum! It's time.
Stingers at the ready, boys! Your larvae will sing songs about what you do here today! And you who've mocked will now learn to respect the power of the bee! Attack, my minions! Armed with your toxin, attack! Oh, God! You kidding me? Oh! I loved you! Oh! Where- Ow! Ah! Oh! Not me! Oh! Ow! Oh, God! Ow! Aah! Your brother's weird.
Julie's tied up in the basement? Roger, I had no choice.
Stan's life is in danger because I opened my mouth! So how are you gonna kill her? What? I can't kill her! Well, what are you gonna do? Well, I thought you could use your psychological skills to- I don't know- convince her not to say anything.
Yeah.
Yeah, I suppose I could.
I understand what you're looking for- A coherent, ethical, compassionate approach to a complex problem.
You should totally kill yourself.
- Only good for three shots.
- Oh, Stan! Thank God you're home! - I did something terrible! - What happened? I told Julie you killed her husband.
And she threatened to go to the police! So I knocked her out! And now she's tied up in the basement with Roger who's trying to convince her to keep quiet! Roger! Does he have a wig on? - Yes.
- Then everything's gonna be fine.
- Don't scare me like that.
- What? Stan, if the C.
I.
A.
Finds out you blabbed to me, they'll kill you! - No one's gonna die.
- Well, Julie's dead.
What are you doing? I want to die.
- Your husband's not dead.
- What? - Craig is alive? - Yup.
He's in Laos.
Laos? But you said you killed him! Yeah.
That was all an elaborate ruse.
Let me explain.
Oh, God.
I can never follow these things.
I better take notes.
Okay.
It all started when me and Roger- - Who? - Yo.
While you thought Roger and I were working on my "issues" we were actually figuring out a way to get you to stop badgering me about all this sharing business.
Our plan was simple.
I would start by telling you a bunch of small made-up secrets, thus gaining your trust.
That way you'd believe me when I dropped the big bomb.
A secret so horrific that you'd never ask me to share anything with you ever again.
And it worked brilliantly.
Roger, you were in on all this, and you were still gonna letJulie kill herself? Doctor-patient confidentiality, Francine.
Or whatever.
I don't know.
I don't understand.
If you didn't want to share your feelings why did you spend so much time with Julie? I was just doing Craig a solid.
I was keeping her busy so that he could slip into their house and get all his National Geographics.
The-The man's been collecting "Natty G's" since '78.
- But then, why did you go to Laos? - To visit Craig.
He lives there now with his new wife, Pyung.
Cucumber farmer.
Lovely woman.
Doesn't speak a lick of English.
Oh, I got to go.
A delightful monkey just took my plum! Hey, yea! He-He remarried? Oh, romantic story.
You ladies will love this.
She was actually on the cover of one of his National Geographics when she was a little girl.
Look, she signed me a copy.
I can't believe he did such a thing.
Well, what choice did he have? Julie was driving him crazy with all the constant sharing.
- Some men just can't share.
- Like you.
- It's just not in your nature.
- I guess I'm just not a touchy-feely guy.
I know you aren't, Stan.
And I just have to accept it.
- Orange.
- What? - My favorite color is orange.
- Oh, Stan.
I love you too.
What are we gonna do with Julie? I think I know someone who can help.
And I didn't think I was gonna get through the day.
But then I remembered what you said about letting go and moving on.
You know what? I have to stop you.
This has become boring.
I'm gonna be a pretend fireman for a while.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!