American Dad s04e20 Episode Script

Stan's Night Out

Hey guys.
What's so funny? You talking about last night's How I Met Your Mother? I love that Barney guy.
"Get your suit on!" What a catchphrase! No, Stan, we were out last night partying.
Oh man, remember that dental hygienist we met? Spit and rinse! - I wish I knew what that meant.
- Why don't you come out with us? - We're doing it again tonight.
- I promised Francine I'd come home.
She says we have some cheese I have to finish or it's going to go bad.
Come on! Blow her off! I wish, but I made a promise.
And Stan Smith has never broken a promise.
You know it's true, Gil! It is so hot in here.
You're missing out.
I'd say we'll think of you, but we won't.
It was at my expense, but I'm sharing in the laughter.
Part of the group.
I'm part of the group.
And now I'm alone.
Hey, you don't need them.
You're the coolest agent here.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
Will you buy $60-worth of licorice from my daughter? She wants to play soccer in Europe.
I just had my colors done and Lydia tells me I'm an autumn.
Roger, I've been standing with you here the whole time.
You haven't talked to anybody, and you're putting lipstick on your eyelids.
You're just jealous.
If you fixed yourself up a little, men would find you attractive, too.
Instead of wondering if you're in the middle of gender reassignment surgery.
Men find me way more attractive than you.
Five El Pollo Loco coupons says you're wrong.
- You're on.
- Damn right I'm on.
I'm on fire.
Nip slip.
They're not smiling back at me because they think you're my husband.
All right now, it's time for Bernie's Gardening Tip of the Week.
If you want to start your lawnmower on the first pull, here's a trick most people do not know.
You stand on the back tires of the mower and pull the cord straight towards your chest.
It starts the first time, every time.
I think I want another plate of mac and cheese.
How about a plate of my nads and cheese! Stan, how explosive.
- What's going on? - I'll tell you what's going on! All the guys at work get to go out and have fun while I'm stuck here every night.
"Stuck" here? Stan, if you want to go out, go out.
I'll have a nice evening alone.
Curl up with a book, maybe write a song.
There's my melody.
I'm halfway there.
I'm going to do man stuff tonight! Who could sing this? Avril Lavigne.
She sucks.
This thong gives me an ass rash, but the boys love it.
Give it up, Roger.
You're not more attractive than me.
No one smiled at either of us at the mall today.
You guys were at the mall? Maybe this is about you.
It's a "Missed Connections" posting on Craigslist.
"You: Cute brunette with friend at mall next to hat kiosk.
"Me: Too shy to say hello.
" I was the cute brunette at the mall.
He's talking about me.
How do you know that I'm not cute and your friend? He says to meet him tonight at the food court.
He'll be wearing a green sweater.
You should both go.
The one he walks up to is the cute one! Okay.
We'll go.
And this time, Hayley, we'll prove who's more of a woman.
Roger, did you draw that on? Aroused? It's not for you! Did someone order a spot-on Rosie Perez impersonator? No way! Look who escaped.
Went to the ATM, busted out my $40 Quick Cash, I got my comb, I'm ready to party.
My friends, I would like to make a toast.
To Stan getting away from his wife for the night, and me getting away from mine forever! Yep, my divorce from Sheila became final today.
I'm a free man.
Yeah, buddy! She got it all: the house, the car, even the dog.
Ungrateful mutt.
And I'm talking about Sheila.
I thought it was the dog.
You were talking about your ex-wife.
I know.
It was a joke and I got it.
I'm one of the guys! Nathan! Stop it! This is why you keep getting molested.
Okay, let's whip 'em out.
- Our wieners? - No, our credit cards.
It's credit card roulette.
Whoever loses pays the bill.
The whole bill?! That's four times what I was expecting to spend.
Yeah, it's a total rush.
Do us the honor, would you? Dick Reynolds.
When she pulled out that card, it looked exactly like my card, but then it wasn't my card.
It wasn't my card at all.
It was Dick's card.
Now Dick has to pay.
Okay, everyone ready to go to the cigar bar? Two places in one night! - You guys are wild.
- So, you guys keeping this party going? Stoagies! Stoagies! Stoagies! I am so glad I came out tonight.
Better than sitting at home with the wife, bored out of my I have a guy who can fix this right up.
I'll pay for the whole thing.
That's great, but I still have to report it to my insurance.
Oh sure, I understand.
Let me get my info.
I really appreciate you - Dick, what the hell?! - I've got three DUIs, Stan.
One more and they take away my license.
What are you doing? We can't leave him here.
He'll call the cops.
I'm not gonna let this jackass ruin our night.
Please don't do this! You guys, we have to take this man to the hospital! And lose our buzz? Come on, the night's just begun.
Yeah, we're just getting started.
Please, I think I have a concussion.
What if I fall asleep? I could die in here.
You can't worry about what-ifs, friend.
You got to live in the moment.
Nothing more relaxing than a nice cigar.
Look guys, we have to get that man to a hospital.
Relax, Stan, this kind of thing happens all the time.
Yeah, last week we snuck into the zoo and Sanders fought a panda.
That's where I got this.
I heard they shot Cilantro's El Perro video in the bathroom.
Gonna go check it out.
Hang tough in there, buddy.
I'm gonna get you to a hospital, I promise.
- You know why I pulled you over.
- Did I forget to signal? You're missing the front portion of your vehicle, sir.
Well, I could be missing the bottom portion of my clothes if that would "get me off" with a warning.
Help! Did I just hear someone yell from your trunk? I have a ventriloquist act! But instead of a dummy, I use a car.
It's hard to book gigs.
Most stages can't accommodate a car.
But I'm an artist, so that's the life I chose.
Sir, get out of the car and open the trunk.
Dick, that's an officer of the law.
What's wrong with you? Don't you know how to knock a guy out? Yeah, you knock out guys like a girl.
Do I mess up hair like a girl? Hey come on! Dick, don't.
Dick Come on, Dick.
Why are you doing this, Dick? This isn't you.
I want the old Dick back.
I don't want bad new Dick, I want good old Dick.
Give me the Dick I'm used to.
Give me the Dick I love.
Guys! Knock it off.
A trunk buddy! So do you like 30 Rock? Shut up.
Yeah, I'm a fan.
My knight in shimmering green sweater is going to be here any minute.
Samn it.
Damn thong.
I really should not be shaking anyone's hand.
There he is.
He's a looker.
Don't stare at him.
Sit! Get used to that, dog.
- I'm Tyler.
- I'm Amber.
Give me waves of grain alcohol, and we'll see how purple your majesty gets.
- What? - It's from a song.
We really saved you back there, Stan.
We have two men bleeding to death in the trunk.
Let's just get them to the hospital, unload them in front, and drive away.
- Okay, if it'll shut you - I'm fine! Dick, are-are you crying? It's nothing.
Dick says it's nothing.
So, to get to the hospital, make a left.
I miss my dog! Biscuit! I miss Biscuit! She took him.
No, the hospital's the other way.
I'm coming to get you, Biscuit! Dick, come on, we gotta get those guys to the hospital.
Damn it, Sheila changed the locks.
You take the front, I'll take the back.
Cheese and crackers! That hurt! You get out of here right now or I'm calling the police! I'm taking the damn dog, Sheila! Don't try to stop me! Sheila, who are you talking to? - Al? - That's right, I'm nailing your barber! You're a dead man, Al! Stop it! Leave him alone! This ain't the first time I fought naked.
Now, that's how you knock a guy out.
Bring him back, you monsters! He's naked.
Can't you put him in the other way? Don't worry, guys, I'm gonna get you out of this.
I promise.
Where are you going, you mug? Since we're not social anymore, I feel I can tell you this.
I'm the one who clogged the toilet on your houseboat.
Roger, don't you look beautiful.
Tyler invited me to a party tonight.
I envy you, Hayley.
Never having to worry about things like pantyhose or contraception.
No babies for me.
This house is beautiful.
Reminds me of my sority.
We were known as the pretty house.
Then crystal meth got its hooks into us.
Fortunately, I was just selling it.
The girls all got Hepatis, I bought a Jaguar.
It's in Canada right now.
That's why I rode my bike over here.
I'm gonna go to the bar.
- Would you like something? - I'll have an orgasm.
And for my drink I'd like a bannaa daiquiri.
Oh, you, you are in for a treat.
- Hi, I'm Amber.
- Hi, I'm Stephanie.
I just met my date today.
He saw me at the mall and asked me out.
That's how attractive I am.
I just met my date today, too.
That's funny.
I also met my date today.
This is the best pig party ever! Pig party? Where guys find the ugliest dates they can? I'm a pig.
Stan, this is boring.
Going to the hospital is boring.
We're almost there.
Hookers! It went in my mouth! I was yawning! What are you fine-ass ladies doing out here all alone? Selling our bodies.
- Sold! Get in! - No, don't get in! Now, we're going to the hospital and that's You brought hookers to the CIA! We're all gonna get fired! And I'm not even at my desk! I'm at Duper's desk! Duper's phone has speed-dial buttons.
Who does he need to call so fast? Listen, thanks for all the sex, but we're in a recession and the last thing I should be spending money on is a prostitute.
So I'm not.
I think I'm falling in love with you.
Let's get married.
Did you take the guys to the hospital? They could die! They're still in the trunk.
We're having a party.
Come on, man, loosen up.
I promised I'd get those guys to the hospital.
And I don't break a promise.
- You don't pull a gun on a bro.
- That's right.
Stan, if you wanna put that gun to good use then shoot my hooker's penis off.
- Throw me the car keys.
- I just had them.
- Where'd they go? - Hey, look, it's Misty! She stole Dick's car! Those guys are in the trunk! You knew about me? I knew the whole time.
This is bad, this is bad.
Those guys were in the trunk.
- What are we gonna do? - I have LoJack.
We can find out where she took my car.
"Fernando Jaramillo.
" Good, we all know who he is, so wewon't waste time explaining it to each other.
I don't know who he is.
Oh, well let me explain it to you.
Jaramillo is the most ruthless killer and crime lord on the eastern seaboard.
But why would the hooker take your car to this guy? Probably to sell it 'cause Dick refused to pay her.
Dick don't pay for strange.
You know that.
Look at my mug.
When Jaramillo finds a cop in the trunk, he'll kill them all! So, we're good? No! We gotta get 'em back! And I'm not going in there alone.
All you do is bitch and moan and pull guns on us.
You suck, Stan! Well, hold on, now.
I have one more question.
- How old do you boys think I am? - 55? Biscuit, coming in hot! What a spread.
Looks like you wanna spread 'em for Jaramillo.
They're gone! They must be dead! So we're good? I promised I'd come back for you.
You are trespassing on my property.
CIA? Very impressive.
Thank you for my new belt buckle.
Those are like 50 bucks to replace.
You four get out.
These three men belong to me.
I bought the car and they were in the trunk.
This was also in the trunk, so it is also mine.
My beach supplies! - Are you gonna kill us? - Yes.
In addition to chopping cars for parts, I've also started chopping humans.
Want to know the irony? I sell hearts but I've never been in love.
I'm not leaving without those guys.
Then you are not leaving.
Stan, it's over.
There's nothing you can do.
Oh, really? Now, Biscuit! You think I'd come in here without a plan B? Now, Cheesers! Coward! I gave you everything! It starts the first time, every time.
Are you a betting man? Go on.
You see that lawnmower over there? If I can start it ten times in a row without a single stall, then you set them free.
And if you don't, I cut off your leg with that chainsaw.
Okay, we have that.
Put a pin in it.
Or, and get ready for this, I will give you a free tarot card reading.
Know your future.
What mysteries does the deck hold for you? - Nah, I want your leg.
- Suit yourself.
- Stan, don't do this! - This is crazy! Trust me, I know a little something about lawnmowers.
Give it a sec.
There it goes! She's a beaut! What'd you pay for it? Oh, I'm out of gas.
Escort these three off of my property.
Bye, boys.
It was a memorable night.
It was a real honor partying with you.
It's over, Biscuit.
Okay, hop up.
I already have a buyer for your leg.
I'm going to shave it and sell it to Heather Mills.
- What are you doing here? - I thought you were at a party.
He turned out to be a real jerk.
And it made me realize something.
I was a real jerk to you.
We shouldn't be fighting.
It's ridiculous to let other people judge us based on how we look.
Well, thanks, Roger.
What do you say I go change and take you out for an apology drink? You're on.
- Roger, why are we at a frat - Hey, everybody! Is this hog a blue ribbon or what? Suey! Pig-pig- pig-pig-piggy! Relax, I don't expect to win.
I'm just hoping to place.
What are you surprised about? You left me with a guy who was about to cut my leg off.
What'd you think was gonna happen? Dude, how did you get out of that? Cheesers came back.
You are a legend.
You gotta come out with us again tonight! Sorry, boys.
I've got better places to be.
Now, there it is.
That's how you start a weedwhacker in one pull.
- How's the meatloaf? - Perfect.
Everything's perfect.
It's time for you to call Bernie with your gardening questions.
Hello? Line one, you're on with Bernie.
You son of a bitch, I'm gonna kill you.
I'm gonna finish this meatloaf, get on a plane to Toronto, and shoot you in your lying face!
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