American Dad s05e01 Episode Script

In Country...Club

# Good morning, U.
# # I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day # # The sun in the sky has a smile on his face # # And he's shining a salute to the American race # # Oh, boy it's swell to say # # Good morning, U.
# # Good morning, U.
## - Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad! - Stan, Stan, Stan, Stan the man! - You'll never believe it! - I've got something really big! - You're all gonna shit.
- One at a time.
Stan, the new TVGuide came and you'll never guess what.
- Barbra does Céline.
Barbra does Céline! - Huh? Barbra Streisand will be singing the songs of Céline Dion in a one-night-only, live pay-per-view event! I don't think Barbra has the range to sing Céline songs.
Shut your mouth, you stupid bitch.
So listen, I'm gonna need all your support to make sure everything goes smoothly for me.
This could be the best night of my life and I don't want to have any regrets like when I had the chance to ecstasy at the 2003 Tony Awards and didn't.
I should have.
But I was sitting next to Alan Cumming and I got scared.
Hayley, you're up.
So I think I finally figured out why you never want to talk to me Next.
Somebody go next.
You know how I've been working really hard with my a cappella group - Here Comes Treble? - Hmm.
My music teacher selected me to sing the national anthem at the Langley Falls Veterans Day celebration! That's fantastic! My boy singing the greatest song ever written to the greatest men ever made American soldiers.
Steve, serenade me.
# Oh # # Say can you # # See-## Steven! What the hell? Did you just watch The Wiz or something? I'm just putting some personal flavor on it.
Just sing it like a normal person! - # Oh, say-# - Okay, got it.
Still sucks.
I thought it was great.
- Have you been standing there the whole time? - Mm-hmm.
That's weird.
I had no idea you were there.
Anyway, Steve, it's fine.
But not nearly good enough for the ears of veterans.
Tell you what.
I'll take the next couple days off work and we'll get that song just right.
Thanks, Dad.
I don't want to mess this up.
No, you really don't.
Now go upstairs and line your throat with Vaseline.
Makes your voice come out smoother.
It's an old Elton John trick.
Annoying, both of you! I love your new pet.
It's not a pet, silly.
It's my meal for the big night.
Roger! You can't kill this sweet bird.
It's an ortolan, Francine, the ultimate French delicacy.
It's so sinfully decadent that you eat it under a napkin to hide your sin from God.
And I only trust you to cook it.
- I'm honored.
- Here's the recipe.
You actually drown it in amaretto, then save its life using bird C.
R then refill the pot with crème de menthe and drown it again.
There is something so sweet about your hair today.
I love it.
Thank you.
# By the dawn's early light # Stop! Take a break.
I got to shake my head in disappointment for five minutes.
So, Stan, I tried to order Barbra Does Céline on pay-per-view, but it was locked.
- I need the code.
- How much is it? It's priceless.
But to order it, it's four-ninety-nine.
Well, I guess we can add five more bucks to your tab.
Five dollars? For Barbra Does Céline? No! Oh, no.
No, $499.
Streisand comes expensive or she doesn't come at all.
Forget it! I wouldn't pay that much to see Barbra do Céline! Or would I? Maybe if I was in the room with them, peeking from behind the curtain and they didn't know I was there.
How would it appear on my credit card bill? No, no, Stan, focus.
Here's the deal.
You and I both know I'm gonna get that pay-per-view code one way or another.
So you might as well just give it to me now and avoid happy hour at Shenanigans.
- No! - Fine.
Let it begin.
Crab walk! Should have played ball.
# Rockets' red glare-# - No! - I've been in the shower all night.
Yeah, I don't get it.
I thought people were supposed to sing better in the shower.
I don't know.
Maybe the problem isn't you.
Maybe- Maybe I'm not a great vocal coach.
- God, could that be? - No, Dad, it's me.
I just need to sing harder.
It's more than that.
There's something missing.
Something empty and soulless about your performance.
- Hmm.
- That's it.
See, Steve, the national anthem is about war.
And you'll never be able to sing it until you've been to war.
Can you expand on that idea? Certainly.
Take the song "Love in an Elevator.
" The reason it's so good is because Steven Tyler actually lived in an elevator the summer he wrote it.
But the song's called "Love in an Elevator," not "Live in an Elevator.
" Steve, he's a rock star living in a kick-ass elevator.
You don't think he's getting laid? Oh, and it's summertime.
Some of my N.
buddies rent this golf course once a month.
Since you can't go to a real war, a reenactment is the next best thing.
I've always wanted to go to a Civil War reenactment.
It's not a Civil War reenactment.
Those things are for historians and people who hate blacks.
These guys are hard-core reenactors.
Throw me a clip! I'm gonna kill all these suckers! Get down! - Aaah! - Aaah! Where are we? You in Vietnam, bitches! They're coming! # Some folks are born made to wave the flag # # Ooh, they're red, white and blue ## We're re-enacting the Vietnam War? This chopper will take you to base camp! Get in! Sergeant, over here! Platoon, gather round! The Vietcong may be making their move tonight! - We need a watchman! - Steve will do it.
- Dad.
- We're counting on you tonight, Steve.
Here, I'll even loan you my lucky machete.
- A permanent marker? - Use it like a knife.
Leave the blade in the sheath so it doesn't get dull.
Leave the cap on so it doesn't dry out.
Dad, I don't know if I can stand watch all night.
You've kept me up for the past two days practicing singing.
Steve, this is an opportunity to step up and be a hero.
Then you'll know what it takes to really sing our national anthem.
- Radio me if you have any problems.
- I'll do my best, Dad.
I want more than your best, Steve.
For once, I want you to do fine.
# By the dawn's early light # # What so proudly-## - Aaah! - Aaah, aaah, aaah! Steve, what happened? Man, what a letdown! You'll be killed if you go into that jungle, man.
Hey, my hand on fire? What? No.
Then it's the acid.
This seemed like the perfect time to do acid.
Dead! Everyone's dead! Their spirits are dancing all around us.
Popping and locking mostly.
Everyone calm down! I have been in two war reenactments! And you men will be safe if you stick with me! No! We got to get out of here, man! Let's just go to the Snack Stop and get some grilled cheese, man.
No! We have to save my dad.
I let him down.
Dad, can you hear me? Steve, it's dark and wet.
There's golf carts.
You have to- Sounds like he's in a holding cell in Nangangbang.
The caddy shack.
Then that's where we're headed.
Excuse me! Do you know where the Horizon Room is? We don't know.
We're from Baltimore.
Thank you.
Marty, it's this way! The man told me it's this way! You're going the wrong way! I heard you the first time! Roger, let me go! You give me code now! Now! Now! Now! Now! Now! Now! Codey now! Now! Now, now, now! Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh.
Eh, wise guy, huh? Roger, stop! I'm never gonna give you that pay-per-view code! We see.
This is Michael Patrick King's first draft of the Sex and the City movie.
It's 700 pages.
"You guys know that young firefighter I did last night?" Well, his hose spattered all over my European mosaic floor and I slipped in it.
But it's okay, girls, because I landed square on the rabbit and found out what's up, Doc.
Carrie, V.
Samantha's story made me wonder "if I slipped, would Big be there to catch me?" It was just the three of us now.
We were headed up Fanangong River towards Gobbley Goo Bay.
But to get there, we'd have to go through the 13th fairway freshly fertilized.
We were in the poo.
Pinecones are grenades! - Crap! - Boom! My legs! It blew off my damn legs! You can make it, Buckle! No.
I's done.
Take me out.
- I-I can't! - Take the shot! - # And the ones that mother gave you # - Not the face.
Oh, my God, that hurt! Ow! Ow! - # Go ask Alice # - Oh, no! It still hurts! What were we doing here? Was it worth it? Just to become better singers? The only thing that made sense anymore was my mission: - # And if you go chasing rabbits # - Save Dad.
- # And you know you're going to fall # - And I was alone - # Tell 'em a hookah # - In hell.
# Smoking caterpillar ## Damn it! Stan gave me a fake code! Well, good thing I still have him tied up.
And you know I still have my funny hat and shirt.
- I know the code.
- You will give it to me! I will for the bird.
I want it set free.
Fine! You got what you want! Now give me that code! 48, 12? Wait.
He used my pants size? Ugh, I'm disgusting! Sorry, Hayley.
Roger tricked me.
He said he was gonna dress me up as Mr.
Wendal from the Arrested Development song.
Give me the real bird, Roger! Where is it? # Oh, I'm singing a summer day song # # Now my little friend chirps along # # Ha, ha # # Ha, ha # # Ha, ha ## Don't! # Some folks are born made to wave the flag # # Ooh, they're red, white and blue # # And when the band plays Hail to the Chief # # Ooh, they point the cannon at you, Lord # # It ain't me # # It ain't me # # I ain't no senator's son ## Your chin is right on my hip bone, Kevin.
Please, give me some rice.
I'll do anything.
I'll make you feel good.
Steve, you did it! You saved me! I'm so proud of you! I'll call you back.
You should have seen him.
My boy the war hero.
Steve's gonna sing the crap out of that national anthem now, aren't you, Steve? Did you have fun at the reenactment, honey? That's right.
Real war heroes don't need to talk about it.
The same way I don't talk about all the 'tang I got in college out of respect for my wife.
Now, folks, we have a very special young man here tonight who has the voice of an angel.
Let's hope it's not the Hell's Angels.
Please welcome to sing our national anthem, Steve Smith.
# Oh, say-# - No! - I got you! - No, you didn't! - Yes, I did! - You're totally dead, Bob! - It's just usl Just let me keep playing! Vietcong! Vietcong! Vietcong! # Say can you see # I- I can't see 'em.
They're in the trees.
Steve, snap out of it.
Smith, can I speak to you in the hallway? Your son appears to be suffering from P.
- post-traumatic stress disorder.
But, Doctor, that's impossible.
He was only in a reenactment.
Then it must be P.
- Post-traumatic war reenactment stress disorder.
- Is that a thing? - I've never heard of it.
I'd like to keep him here for treatment.
He could be a danger to himself or others.
Steve! Where'd he go? When I was out there, all I wanted to do was come home.
But now that I'm home, all I can think about is getting back there.
The golf course! Things made more sense out there.
Here, sometimes someone claims they're a friend, but they're really just an acquaintance.
And then some friends are really enemies.
I came up with the word "frenemy.
" John, how did you open the curtain? Tell me how you opened the curtain.
John! Mind Quad will be right back.
Hey, there.
The war reenactment was yesterday.
- It's over.
- For you, maybe.
Where you headed? Just gonna get a grilled cheese at the Snack Stop.
I had a friend that wanted one once, but he's gone now.
To Tucson.
On business.
Won't be back till Wednesday.
I know a place down the road with a great grilled cheese.
Come on.
I'll drive you.
No, thanks.
I'm not looking for trouble.
Get off the fairway, you turd! This is the thanks I get.
A hero's welcome.
We were kids, man! Buckle couldn't find his legs! We were gonna go cruising when we got home.
We were gonna go cruising in his Solara, man! # Getting ready for the best night # # The best night of my life # # Everything's gonna be just right # # Putting on a robe that's warm but light # # Squirt-squirt Best, best # # Glug-glug Best, best # # Get ready, my tummy is your nest # # 'Cause I'm stepping in the best # # Ahh, best ## Applauding.]
Thank you so much.
Shut up.
You know, Céline Dion is in the audience tonight.
She's fabulous, but I'm better.
Here we go.
# You were my strength # # When I was weak # # You were my voice when I couldn't speak # # You were my-# Thank you.
So, how'd the big night turn out? It was- There's no word to describe it.
Schmooblydong? That's not it, but it's close.
Let me try and put it in terms you can understand.
Imagine being high at a Rusted Root concert while two dudes take you on in a sun-baked port-a-john.
Wow! Huh.
That actually does sound really good.
Yeah, I'd like that too.
You the boy's father? Listen, guy.
No one can get in or out of here because of that crazy kid and we need carts! That boy is a remorseless reenactment machine.
I know.
I made him.
And I'm the only one who can get him out.
Stink Finger, this is Colonel Muff Dog.
Do you copy? Over.
Do you copy? This is Stink Finger, sir.
Your mission is complete.
Return to base.
I can't do that, sir.
I'm not good enough yet.
- Good enough at what, soldier? - I can do better! That's why I came herel It's the only place you were ever proud of me, sir! It wasn't the war.
I'm going in.
Stay back! Easy, Stink Finger.
It wasn't the war that made you this way.
- What do you mean? - Aw, Steve, it was me.
I pushed you too hard, put too much pressure on you.
But I only did it because I love you and want you to succeed.
But you don't need to be pushed because you're doing great on your own.
I did to you what America did to Vietnam.
I tried to control you.
But no longer.
I'm pulling out of you, Steve.
I'm pulling out.
I'm sorry if I hurt you, Son.
The celebration's still going on.
You know, you could still sing.
- Am I good enough now? - You were always good enough, Steve.
I don't know where this low self-esteem is coming from.
But you need to start believing in yourself.
So go out there and sing! And any way you do it, I'm gonna love it.
# Oh, say # # Can you see # # By the dawn's early light # # Girl, I'm gonna rock you in freedom town tonight # That's my neighbor's son.
# You know, you never felt so good # # No, you never felt so right # # Ooh, rockets bursting in the air ## We now return to Mind Quad! Where is he? I don't know.
What's going on? John Q.
Mind was the best soldier in America.
Until his arms and legs got blown off? Not blown off, blown in to his mind.
I hope that mind of yours runs as fast as your legs, now that they're in it.
Because I'm coming for you, John.
I am coming for you.
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
English - US - SDH
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