American Dad s07e09 Episode Script

Stanny Tendergrass

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! All right, quiet down, everyone.
Shh! Deputy's talking.
Shut your face, Sanders! Well, it's the start of summer, or, more officially, our slow season.
Terrorism drops as our Johnny Jihads trade in their bomb suitcases for bomb pops.
Two strikes, kiss-ass! Find out what a third gets you! I dare you! Anyway, as always, we will be cutting back to our summer hours.
All right, now! Summertime! Well, I'm off to the lake house, boys.
Jet Skis and dock sex! I'm gonna spend my summer giving something back to the community chlamydia.
Your guys' plans suck.
I'll be spending another summer at the country club.
Stan, welcome back! Stan! Back to work for another summer.
Good to be back.
Groundskeepin', keeping the grounds.
Beautiful day.
Día bueno.
Hard to believe, after working here 30 summers, I almost have enough money saved to finally afford a membership.
Ah, then you're just going to become a rich jerk like the rest of them.
The other day, Mr.
Vanderhill he stuffed a live swan in his golf bag as a surprise for his caddy.
You know what the surprise was? How far that swan took the caddy's scrotum across the 17th fairway.
Don't worry.
I'll never become one of them.
Guys like Vanderhill have been handed everything their whole lives.
But not me I've been baking in the sun on a riding mower that's rattling my butt apart.
I told you wear seven underwears.
I'm going to actually appreciate this place because I worked for it.
Kerry, give me a kiss! My wife is old.
Stop calling my house! Mm.
I I call her house.
Klaus, this summer heat gets a girl a-thinkin'.
What's it all about, man? Why are we here? To eat chocolate and get our toes done.
Champagne clink.
Seriously, I'm going to die one day, and I want to make sure I've left something behind I can be proud of.
What about your kids? Meh.
I'm talking about something more permanent.
I want to invent a catchphrase.
Something as profound as "all that and a bag of chips.
" Oh, come on.
Don't you think everyone has tried coming up with a catchphrase? It's next to impossible.
Well, Klaus, I'm going to do it.
And you can put that frog in the casserole.
Bitch, what'd I just say? That's Norm MacDonald, right? How is this Dancing with the Stars? What a day.
Got a blood blister, smashed my thumbnail black and fried up one hell of farmer's tan.
I know.
I've got one, too.
Can't make fudge out of a waterfall.
What are you doing? Sounded like there was still some soda left.
I don't like the last half.
It's not as effervescent.
Nope, the bottom's not for me.
I'm what they call a top.
That's a soda from my fridge, which I bought with money I worked for.
I didn't know you wanted it.
My fingers are still sticky.
You can suck on them if you want.
Well, I'll be upstairs melting pearls on my tummy if you need me.
Steve, you're just like those rich jerks at the club who don't appreciate what they have because they've never worked for it.
Got to appreciate to graduate.
Now you have a problem with soda and being rich? No, I have a problem with people who have it too easy.
I admire the self-made men of this world.
The Levi Strausses, the Hulk Hogans, the Larry Flynts.
Imagine overcoming a name like Larry.
Horatio, my son, Steve, is going to be working with us for the summer.
Welcome aboard.
Aah! What the hell? That, Steve, is a working man's handshake.
A locked wrist that says he stands strong by his convictions, a firm grip that says you can trust him, plenty of thick calluses that show he's not afraid to persevere.
Kind of like Shrek's hands.
Aah! My tip.
Your hands are the exact opposite.
But thankfully, a summer of hard work will fix you right up.
Steve, you're in luck.
You started here at a good time.
Tomorrow is employee swim.
Ooh, is that where the girls ask the guys? Uh huh.
No, once a month, the club gives us an hour early in the morning to swim in the pool right before they drain it.
It's magic.
Oh, no.
It's Vanderhill! A bird distracted me on my backswing.
It was going That's not my name, and it was saying it right at me.
Yes, Mr.
Yes, Mr.
I'm sure it was a female.
Now, go find its nest and smash its offspring before I shoot you with my turd gun.
Yes, Mr.
Yes, Mr.
Roger? Hey! Why didn't my dad recognize you? Oh, everyone in the family has one persona they can't see through.
Your mom's is my Korean kid who shoots pool with a giant chopstick.
No way.
And Hayley doesn't realize I'm her sandal repairman.
Get out.
And remember that spin the bottle party you went to? Yeah.
You were Alicia Wilkner? We went on seven dates! Nine.
I roofied you on two of them.
Nothing happened.
Wink, wink.
But how can you afford a membership here? Concise story.
Several years ago, I married some 95-year-old bag two weeks before she kicked it.
Reverse Anna Nicole Smithed her.
Her daughter was not thrilled.
You're never going to get your mom's money, Pamela! Why you dressed like Peter Venkman? It's Doctor, and because Dad got me a job to teach me the value of hard work.
You mean he's teaching you to be a chump.
Come on, Steve.
Suckers like him just glorify hard work because they never had an opportunity to not work hard.
Believe me, everyone takes the easy way if they can.
That's why we tell fart jokes.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Ah, this water feels good on my jeans.
Where's Steve? Can't believe he's missing employee swim.
Steve, what are you doing? I'm so sorry, Mr.
Silence, worker.
I've decided to give your boy a job hanging out with me for the summer.
I like him.
He makes me laugh.
Looks like it's tee time, boys.
You can't teach that.
Oh, and by the by, I pay like I walk handsomely.
That's not a job.
He's just getting paid to to lounge around.
I'm sorry is an employee talking back to a member? Didn't think so.
Steve, meet the fellas.
This is Dill Shepherd and Johnny Golf.
Actually, it's Johnny Golf Swimandtennis, but that's a real mouthful.
The calamari, the rib eye, the turkey club, the key lime pie and the crab-stuffed Dover sole? Yo! That's enough of that.
Steve, honey, finish pushing that onto the floor for me.
Good boy.
Here's a hundo.
I don't like this, Horatio.
These are not the type of people I want my son to be influenced by.
Don't worry, Stan.
He's a good kid.
I'm sure he'll be able to keep his head on straight.
Yeah! I hate birds and am therefore glad that you kicked one.
Here is money.
"Spare me your dance recital.
" No.
"Forget the mustard.
It's karate time.
" Eh.
"Things are getting too spicy for the pepper.
" Wait! What was that? Just now.
"Things are getting too spicy for the pepper?" That's it.
That's it? "Things are getting too spicy for the pepper.
" Your catchphrase.
Of course! Now you just have to test it out.
Things are getting On someone other than me, bitch.
Mom, are you okay? You look like you're going to burst.
Not yet.
Anyone seen Steve? I didn't see him at the club all afternoon.
Maybe things got too spic Hey, now.
Steve, where you been? Let me guess Vanderhill fired you already.
Vanderhill wanted to sleep one off, so he paid me for the full day and let me leave at noon.
I am stuffed.
The loaf was great, Francine.
It's just, I filled up on lobster and chocolate soufflé at the club.
Here for your trouble.
That's it! No tipping your mother.
Looks like things are getting too spicy for the pepper.
We do not take the easy way in this house.
Just like I know.
Self-made men, hard work, Hulk Hogan.
Honest work is for suckers.
Easy way best way.
Is that so, big shot? Because, thanks to my last paycheck, I now have enough saved to buy my way into the club.
And it's going to be even sweeter because it wasn't handed to me on a silver platter.
I earned it all seven grand.
Ha! Seven grand? Dad, that was the cost of a membership when you first started saving.
Wh-What? It's, like, 200 grand now.
You thought Wow! Well, keep on being a working sucker and maybe you can appreciate the club when you're 85, if you're lucky.
Vanderhill! Please, Mr.
Vanderhill was my father.
Call me Spartacus.
I may never have a chance of being a member at this club, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit by and let you corrupt my son.
Me and you, a round of golf.
If I win, Steve comes back to work with us.
Ooh, a bet.
Okay, but if I win, no more employee swim.
You against the guy that knows every blade of this course? I'll bet you 200 Gs you lose.
Johnny's crazy today.
I love it.
Count me in, too.
Fine, I'll take all your action.
Okay, then.
Good luck.
Ow! That's the hand I use to peel bananas, you ass.
After the first hole, the score is 35 to 36.
You both suck.
What do you say next hole wins? We don't have all day.
Sounds good.
All right, Stan, if you don't make this, you lose.
Yay! Sucks! Oh, fiddlesticks.
poor people in the pool! But I just bought a noodle.
Come on, boys, let's go get drunk and play talcum tag in the locker room.
All right.
Here we go.
Oh, that is my passion.
Steve-o, go grab some more champagne from the storage closet, huh? W-What's going on here? Oh, this is where I come to do whip-its and think about what would happen if the Ninja Turtles had to go to college.
Vanderhill offered me a 50-50 split if I threw the match.
Now I have enough to become a member.
Told you everyone would take the easy way if they could.
You were right all along, Steve.
Easy way, best way.
I know you probably have a lot of questions, so I'll just tell you the dean closes down the campus pizza shop and the Ninja Turtles do not take it well.
Does it get any better? Only if Mother could win her battle with exhaustion and float here next to me.
Oh, now there's too much ice in here.
Take it back to the bartender and bring me a new one.
And punch him for me, around this hard.
Your dad seems to be fitting in nicely.
Hey, Dad, maybe you should ease up a little? I'm very eased, Stevie.
I mean, maybe tone it down.
You're acting a little aggressive.
If anyone's earned a right to act like this, it's me.
Like a fool, I wasted 30 long years trying to get here.
So now I'm gonna enjoy it.
Hey, check it out.
I just got that kid to Mickey-Mouse-ear that guy.
Francine, I think I figured out why your catchphrase fell flat.
Because it was a stupid idea.
The words are right, just not the delivery.
Try saying it like you've just been on a road trip through the South.
Things are getting too spicy for the pepper! Now more like you just came in from playing in the snow, but you haven't had your hot chocolate yet.
Things are getting too spicy for the pepper! Maybe more a mix of sadness that your dog died, relief because he was riddled with fatty lymphomas and joy that you can now get a new kitty.
Things are getting too spicy for the pepper! Watch Oscar-nominated actress Gabourey Sidibe do it.
Things are getting too spicy for the pepper.
You look nice, Dad.
I had to pick up a tie for the New Member Gala at the club tomorrow, and I figured I'd treat myself.
Ew, ham.
Let's toss it and take a cab over to Long John Silver's my treat.
Dad, doesn't it bother you at all that you lost employee swim? Hadn't thought about it.
And thank you, Steve, for opening my eyes.
If you hadn't, I'd still be wasting my time scrimping pennies.
Janet Jackson played Penny in Good Times.
Jeff, that's the crap that gives me a headache.
Things are getting too spicy for the pepper.
Huh, that's pretty catchy, Mrs.
I am immortal! Oh, that's great, honey.
Set me up with the whole schmeer.
You know, mugs, hats, bags, aprons, slacks, shirts.
Hey, shot glasses.
I'll take a box of those.
Give me a box of those spicy pepper pens.
Give me two of those, six of those.
Come on, to Long John Silver's! Woo-hoo! Icelandic cod! Yay! Booyah! Yay! Dad? Steve, why are you dressed like Ernie Hudson? Winston Zeddemore.
And because I'm going back to work with Horatio, and you are, too.
I am, am I? Yes, because I've learned my lesson.
By acting like a spoiled jerk, you showed me how I was behaving.
Acting? I'm not acting.
I'm playing tomato tennis.
Ooh! An unripe one! We lost him, Steve.
Your dad is one of them.
Feel good to finally hold that member key, Stan? Sure does.
I'll just put it on my key chain.
Membership has its privileges.
Greetings, Father.
Hulk Hogan! He goes to my chiropractor.
So I asked him if he'd come talk some sense into you.
Stan, my little Hulkamaniac filled me in on what's going on, and let me tell you something, brother.
The Hulkster had to battle my entire life to get where I am, brother.
With nothing but sweat, tears and heartache and good ol' red, white and blue pumping through my veins, brother.
All the training, all the matches, all the prayers and all the brothers made me appreciate everything I've earned.
That's why, no matter how many one, two, threes I slap on my opponents, I just thank my lucky Mean Genes I was blessed to be able to step into that squared circle and use these 24-inch pythons.
Stan, brother, sometimes, as a Hulkamaniac, you got to look deep down inside yourself and ask, whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?! Yeah.
Listen, Terry, I appreciate you coming out, but Oh, what's wrong Dad? Have you developed privileged rich guy hands? My handshake.
Looks like your grip's gone soft.
Probably from not lifting a finger all day.
Nonsense, Stan.
Stick with what got you here: the easy way.
My son's right! I became what I despise the most.
I don't want your membership, not this way.
I want to earn it, with my working man's hands.
Welcome back, Dad.
What do you say, Vanderhill? You keep my membership in exchange for us getting employee swim back? No ways to your Josés.
Well, Hogan, then it looks like we're gonna have to earn swim time back the hard way.
Roger! What are you doing here? I have so much to tell you.
Oh, Pamela.
I was just looking for you.
You have the same scowl your mother had when I banged her after I pulled the plug.
God, I was kidding! Looks like someone pulled the plug on your sense of humor.
This meeting is over, Pamela.
Okay, the meeting's back on.
First item of business: those two hams you call arms.
That one I deserved.
Dad, look! One week of hard work, and I already got my first blister.
Maybe we take that Playboy out of the bathroom for the summer.
Looks like things are getting too spicy for the pepper.
Hey, that's my wife's saying.
Your wife? That's the old Salsa Fresca slogan from, like, two Super Bowls ago.
Well, it looks like the Hulkster's work here is done.

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