American Dad s07e10 Episode Script

2 Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! Do you have any leads? Fly Girl's been missing for five days now.
Look, there's something you should know about your bird Oh, no.
I just got a clue in the case of whether or not that new Thai restaurant gives you the runs.
It does.
Case closed! Teddy Bonkers, bathroom key, stat.
You see, Lorraine, your bird is Uh how do I put this? Please find her.
No, no, no, no, don't-don't cry.
We, uh, we'll keep looking, okay? I know we'll find her.
Thank you, Mr.
Wheels.
Out of TP in there, Bonkers, so I had to use the corner of your Ferrari poster.
Man, that Lorraine is a cold bitch.
Grinning after you told her her bird was de You didn't tell her, did you? She was so upset, I just couldn't break it to her.
You think this fake detective agency with real cases and a pretend office in your father's garage is a joke?! I just hate upsetting people.
Breaking bad news is part of the job, Wheels.
It's a part of life.
You got to do it.
That's why I volunteer at the cancer ward every Sunday.
You're all going to die.
Your parents and your doctors are lying to you.
Did you know that megaphone takes 12 D batteries? I know.
I had the same look when I first opened the compartment.
Could stick my whole fist in there.
No, that's not what she said, Bonkers.
Bonkers.
Oh, look at that bunny in the loafer! Are you a bunny in a loafer? You are, aren't you? Oh! That turtle has a hamster on his back.
Let me see this.
Ugly.
Ugly.
The walls of my anus are cuter than that panda.
Take my picture.
I can get on this site.
Hey, so, what's going on in here? Not much.
How's your big three-day weekend going? Good.
Good.
Exciting.
Exc Too exciting.
Had to take a break.
Not a young man.
So, you guys, you guys are doing something with Klaus, huh? We're gonna take pictures of him to submit to Cute Pet Pics.
Want to help? Guess I'll go try on hats in the garage.
Extry, extry, read all about it.
My grandfather always claimed I would inherit a secret fortune.
But when he died, all he left me was this one mysterious key.
I don't have any money to pay you, but if you find out what this key opens, you can have half of whatever's inside.
Wow, that sounds like a fun journey.
Here's your chance to give some bad news.
Tell this kid to hit the bricks.
Listen, you look like a nice kid and all, but we're not gonna be able to take our eyes off your sweater.
Is it soft? Can I wear it without a T-shirt under it, you know, how black guys sometimes wear sweaters? Fail! Beat it, Sweet Charity; We're not taking your case.
Please.
This key is my grandfather's legacy.
Uhp, "legacy.
" Fine, we'll take the case.
You're lucky you said a word with "leg" in it.
It's my only weakness.
That's how I got this Foghorn Leghorn key chain and this bag of legumes.
Teddy Bonkers will validate your parking.
Steve, why can't you ever give anyone bad news? I just hate making people sad.
You're a pushover, but I don't have time to discuss it, because I have to push out some green curry.
Yes, I tried the Thai restaurant again.
It's called giving a place a second chance, and it burns like hell.
So this, uh, detective stuff looks fun.
Can I play? Um, maybe, Dad, but I'm not sure you understand what we do here.
No, no, I get it.
It's part pretend, part real, fake detectives, real cases, you're in a wheelchair, Roger can walk w-what's not to get? Tell you what, I'll run it by The Legman, see what he says.
Good.
And I'll run to the store and get some lemons.
So we'll both be doing something.
B-B-B-Brawny.
Come on, buddy! Light's not getting any greener! What up, Wheels? Ooh, hold on, hottie in the next lane.
Nope, baby seat, I'm out.
What do you got? Well, my Dad asked me if he could join the agency, so Nope.
We don't need a new employee.
Oh, my God, traffic just came to a freakin' standstill.
- But he - Listen, Wheels, for once in your life, break some bad news and tell your dad he can't join the agency.
Roger, stop playing with the car! Oh, yeah, forgot it was Sean's birthday party at Bar Fudge.
Was it packed? I'm kidding.
I'm just giving you the business, Teddy Drunkers.
W-We'll try to give you a nice easy morning.
Any calls? What is this? Um, Legman, meet our newest employee, Pappa Wheelie.
What? I thought I said I'm so happy you guys let me in.
I'm going to Fudge.
I needed this.
I was having a terrible day at work.
I want you.
Can we get out of here? What? No.
Let's just keep dancing.
Wheels, may I speak with you? Pappa Wheelie, why don't you go fill out your HR forms.
Teddy Bonkers will help you.
Th-The teddy bear? Teddy bear?! His name is Theodore Bonkers.
He's not the smartest guy, but he tries harder than anyone I've ever met.
And I've met Ed Burns.
Go talk to him.
Just go with it.
What the hell, Wheels?! He was so excited, I couldn't let him down.
Uh, it-it says, "list previous work experience or draw a picture of a cowboy.
" I can't draw a cowboy; Is a pirate acceptable? Yes.
Well, I tried this thing in every lock in the old man's house.
This opens nothing.
Listen, Wheels.
The grandfather may have left a clue in this piano.
Why's that, Legman? 'Cause it's out of key.
A clue would have been grand.
In the sand! You made me stop laughing.
Well, at least you're good for something.
What is this?! It's coffee.
I only drink flaming Grand Marnier! I'm-I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
Bonkers said to bring coffee.
You're a liability! You know what your problem is? Pappa Wheelie doesn't have a backstory.
All right, all you have is a prop.
How did you end up on that unicycle? Are you a hipster, are you a Frenchman, were you raised by a Russian circus bear? You don't know! You just woke up one morning and saw a unicycle, you stupid hack.
I don't know about you, but this case has put me in the mood for some cocaine.
I-I get that joke.
'Cause cocaine comes in keys, right? The Legman doesn't joke about cocaine.
Cocaine is not a joking matter.
We'll just stay loose, we'll get some great shots, and we'll get you on that pet pics Web site, no sweat.
Ooh! It's going to be so cute.
Hello.
I'm Legman and this is my partner Wheels, and I am drinking my signature drink.
We were ransacking a dead man's house and we found a monthly bill for a P.
O.
box at this location, see.
We think this might be the key for it.
This key doesn't unlock anything here.
But I know what it does unlock.
It unlocks Man, don't you hate it when ugly people run mailbox stores? - What? - Pappa Wheelie, the smart-mouthed junior associate to Wheels and The Legman.
I get away with saying things that other people can't.
Seriously, dude, your face is a mess.
Pappa Wheelie, stop it! Can't, it's my character.
My looks are a sensitive subject for me! Get out, all of you! W-Wait tell us what the key is for.
I work at a store called Mailboxes, not at a store called "I help people who hurt me.
" That store is down the block.
It is amazing.
I wanted to work there, but they told me I was too ugly.
You said to get a backstory and I got one.
My grandfather invented the packaging around discs of bologna, and I have beaucoup family money, but I refuse it because He's suck.
He's suck incarnate.
Fire him! You want me to fire my own dad? B-But he loves it here.
You brought him in, you get him out.
Before he takes a big Yoko all over this place.
Fire him or this partnership is over.
So we agree, if a waiter drops something, we're gonna say "nice job" and clap.
Um, sure, okay.
Yeah, we're gonna say that.
So, Dad, the reason I brought you here is-is to let you know, well, the agency is going through some changes.
Ah, you mean like getting rid of that dumb bear? Dad, I don't know how to say this My name is Nate, I'll be your server.
How are we this evening? Nate, this evening, I'm proud.
Are you a father, Nate? Because in some ways, I'm two fathers.
There's Stan and Steve, and then Pappa Wheelie and his son Wheels.
So do you like music? Do I like music? No, no, I'm the one person on Earth who doesn't like music.
Why did you answer my ad online if you were just gonna ignore me? My profile has four pictures of me staring out of a restaurant window through binoculars.
You knew what this was.
Nice job.
Listen, Dad, about the agency Oh, I love it so much.
It's so fun.
Plus I get to spend time with you.
What could be better? Um, well - Yes? - You're Getting a top-secret assignment.
I'm ready! Look, we need you to become our um, our our-our head key researcher.
But you gotta you gotta do it deep, deep undercover.
Like like, don't even tell The Legman.
Now, I need you to go to the library every day.
Find out everything there is to know about keys.
Okay, I can do this.
You start now.
Get out of here.
Oh, one more thing.
You know how Moonstruck is your favorite Cher movie? Uh, yes, I think I know my favorite Cher movie.
Want to reenact the "snap out of it" scene before you go? Sure.
Can you read me in? No problem.
I'm in love with you.
Snap out of it! Good for him, huh? You know, you're not as ugly as I thought.
I just might sex you later.
I'm gonna go.
Ugh.
Now you've ruined it by talking.
Ugh.
Terrible date last night.
I only made her "O" like 100 times.
You know you know what I'm saying, right, Bonks? Hey, this place has got some breathing room, huh? I can't believe you actually fired Pappa Wheelie.
Yep.
He's a-gone.
Wheels and The Legman.
- Steve, it's Mom.
- Have you seen your father? I don't know who this Steve is.
Is this about a case? Wheels, have you seen Pappa Wheelie? He didn't come home last night.
That's weird.
Let me get back to you.
Teddy, can you Oh, never mind.
You're waiting for that fax confirmation.
Package for Wheels and The Legman.
A severed finger.
"We have your associate.
" Dad! "If you want him back alive, "we will trade him for the key.
on Norton Street.
" Oh, my God! We gotta get goin'! Eventually we'll have to go back inside and have a serious talk about what we're going to do.
It's Stan's finger, all right.
I recognize the ring.
How did this happen? We're not even real detectives.
Someone wants that key bad.
But why would anyone do this to Pappa Wheelie? He wasn't even working for us anymore.
I - I didn't fire him.
- What?! Oh, this is all my fault.
Somebody must have followed him to the library and nabbed him.
We have to call the cops, Roger.
It's Legman! And we are taking care of this ourselves.
They want the key, right? But who's to say that once we give it to them, we actually get your dad back? We need to find out what the key unlocks and get that.
Then, if they try to pull a fast one, we have the key and the goods.
We have all the leverage.
I I don't I don't know, Roger.
I'm scared.
No.
Steve Smith is scared.
Squwirt "Wheels" Cinnabun has danglers the size of Montana.
Anyone can crack this case, he can.
Squwirt Cinnabun? Yeah.
I Keyser Soze'd you off the top of that file cabinet.
Oh, great.
You guys again.
Our vulgar associate is no longer with the company.
We came to say we're sorry.
And to find out what you know about this key.
Okay, I'll tell you, but I'm running a business here.
You'll have to buy something.
I got this.
You have a scanner? And send.
And I'll also take this off-season Santa pen.
The key opens a locker at the train station.
How did you know that? Because it's printed on the key.
Here's the train station address, and here's the locker number.
And here's a phone number in case you find this key.
And below that, this is just a hotline number should you have any general questions about the key.
Do you remember where we parked the car? - 'Cause I don't.
- We're in E-4.
Look at you.
You're like that autistic cowgirl Claire Danes played.
Do you know she's an "A" cup? Hey, there are the lockers.
I know so much about celebrities.
We are up against a deadline, people, and not one of you has submitted a photo that's close to cute enough for Cute Pet Pics.
My peepaw did not start an underground cute newspaper in 1943 to have it all go to hell 'cause you morons can't tell your elbow from a kitten in a bunny suit! I'm sorry, Peepaw.
I think we're going to have to shut her down.
Um, sir, I do have this submission from Langley Falls.
Let me see that! Oh, my God.
Carol, you may have just saved the world.
Is he serious? I I never know what's going on here.
Hi.
I'm calling from Cute Pet Pics.
Uh, we have a submission from this address, and with permission, we'd like to publish it on the site.
Oh, my God, yes! Yes! Yes! Francine, Hayley, get in here, bitches! Time to see some cute What the?! That's not a hippo's butt.
That's Roger's fat alien ass.
I'd know it anywhere.
Many times I've woken up to that ass hanging over me in bowl.
Wow, Klaus, I guess Roger's ass is cuter than you.
Dick.
Yeah, Dick Vermeil.
I won a ring with the Rams.
Flipped it on you, bitch.
I flipped it on them.
Oh, they will go upstairs, they will Google Dick Vermeil, and they will know how bad I nailed them.
This is the spot.
Now, where's Stan? There's a note in the pneumatic tube.
"Send in the key, and Pappa Wheelie is yours.
We are watching.
" They can have the key.
We already have the bag.
Whoa, that sucks really good.
You think anyone's ever done stuff with it? Should I do stuff with it? Do we have time for me to do stuff with it? If I do stuff with it and stuff goes wrong, will you help me? Oh, wait.
There he is.
Dad! We're coming for you! - How do we get in there? - I have an idea.
Quick, grab my disguise kit out of the trunk.
Dad, what happened? It's Bonkers.
I know, this whole thing is just bananas.
No, it's Bonkers Teddy Bonkers.
He did this.
He's behind you.
He had it out for me the whole time.
He gave me the wrong coffee order for Roger.
He encouraged my smart-mouth persona, knowing full well it would bomb.
Bonkers wanted me fired, and when that didn't happen, he wanted me dead.
What? Oh, my God.
Of course! Bonkers was jealous that you came in as a junior detective when he was next in line for a promotion.
Oh, Bonkers.
How could you do this? Oh, for the love of God, Roger.
Bonkers is not real! What? What are you saying? Bonkers is a stuffed bear a toy! I didn't want to tell you, but I hate this bit! Here's why it's stupid! A teddy bear as our receptionist? It doesn't even make sense.
Do you know how many calls we've missed? But, Steve I went along with it 'cause I didn't want to upset you.
I can't stand telling people things they don't want to hear, but Hey.
Why, I did it.
I told someone bad news.
But if Bonkers isn't real, then who kidnapped Pappa Wheelie? It was you.
You framed Teddy Bonkers.
It's true.
I knew you wanted to fire me.
Yes, I knew.
So I figured, if I made Bonkers the bad guy, I could blame all my mistakes on him and you'd give me another chance.
But I made one miscalculation.
I never thought Steve would have the guts to tell you Bonkers was fake.
The only thing I don't get is why you went to all this trouble.
I was bored, Steve.
Really, really bored.
Like, so bored.
So you cut off your own finger? That wasn't my finger.
It was a fish stick I sucked the bread crumbs off of.
I thought there was something fishy about all this, Legman.
No, I'm not playing without Bonkers! You know what? It's not so bad being the "bear-er"of bad news.
Or the sharer of new shoes.
You're fired.
Whoo! That felt great! I gotta keep this goin'! Your bird is dead.
Your grandfather was an idiot.
His legacy an empty satchel that lights up when you open it! You're not cute.
I'm telling you, a girl's friends get in her ear, it is over.
They're all, "Make him take you to a restaurant.
Make him buy you sandals.
" I don't care what every single person on Earth says you're hilarious.
Bye! Have a beautiful time.