American Dad s09e01 Episode Script
Steve and Snot's Test-Tubular Adventure
Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Drink it up, virgins! How you doing over there, bud? I was thinking, um, if the school switched to waterless urinals, they could save over 35 gallons every time these guys swirlied us.
Yup, those numbers check out.
Wait, Vince, hold up, hold up.
Let's see how virginy these guys really are.
Have you even touched a boob? Yeah! I was breast-fed.
Nice! What about you? I was a formula baby.
My mom's an alcoholic.
Wrong answer! Next question.
Have either of you ever gazed into the eyes of your lover as the world falls away, and you realize you're no longer two people but one soul united? Um Um Gay! Gay! Man, we're pathetic! We got to find a way to have sex.
And not just for them, for us, too! It's not like we haven't tried.
Great.
No paper towels.
This day is a beast.
That's it! Prom! Prom is when girls are socially conditioned to put out the most.
Yes, assuming you can get them to go with you.
How are we gonna get dates? I don't know.
Who-who are guys that get lots of girls? Celebrities? You're right.
We need new head shots.
Dude, our head shots almost got us the OshKosh B'gosh campaign.
I'm keeping 'em.
So, in summary, we're hoping you can tell us how we can land two willing ladies to go to the prom with us.
Now, they don't have to be smart, their breasts don't need to be prizewinners, but we should know they're there, and their asses should Stop! You guys are pigs.
You can't objectify women like this.
These girls you're talking about, they're someone's sister, someone's daughter.
I-If, if you'll just let me finish my sentence.
Asses.
We'd prefer slightly too large or boyish.
But this is low-priority.
Look, I'd love to stay and tell you how disgusting you are, but I got to go dump out to make room for this hot and cheesy hoagie.
W-Was that a dodo? I thought they were extinct.
Nope.
Thanks to the cloning machine at work, the only thing that's extinct-- dot, dot, dot-- is extinction.
Come here, you.
It's my week to take care of Darren.
I wuv you, Dawwen! Is my little dodo hungry? Ah, the dodo-- Raphus cucullatus.
These magnificent creatures would still be around today if not for the bloodthirsty Dutch hunting them to extinction in 1662.
The very same year the world lost French poet François le Métel de Boisrobert.
Nobody cares about your stuff, Francine.
Oh, no, you don't.
Can't let this guy get out.
If the world discovered the CIA was cloning things, they'd shut us down for playing God.
You know who else played God? George Burns.
And he's dead! So, we might not know girls, but we do know math, and if we ask every girl in school, odds are two of 'em are bound to go to prom with us.
Sorry, not interested.
I don't think so.
In your dreams, nerd! What about no don't you understand? Hey, fellas.
Hi, guys.
Steven.
So, since none of us have dates for the prom, Snot and I were thinking the four of us could all hang out.
No girls, no distractions, just another hard-core BF weekend! Sounds great, but Toshi and I already have dates.
What?! We're taking twins! Twins! We don't have any twins at this school.
Sure, we do.
Twins! I can't believe this! We're gonna be the last virgins on the planet.
Well, what are we supposed to do? Every girl turned us down.
Even the quadriplegic girl blinked "no.
" Stupid clone dodo.
Wait a second.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I don't know.
Isn't Darren a boy bird? I mean, I guess he can't tell on us.
What? No.
W We use the cloning machine at my dad's work to make prom dates.
Really? Yeah, man.
We find two of the hottest girls around, we get their DNA, we clone 'em, and we bone 'em! Totally on board.
But where do we get DNA for our T-n-A? Oh, my God, I wish I had your boobs.
Oh, my God, I wish I had your eating disorder.
Field day! The perfect DNA sample! All we need is another one and What are you two doing in here?! I know it looks bad-- two teenage boys in a girls' dressing room-- but I can assure you we are only here to collect pubic hair.
Darn! We only got one DNA sample! And stay out, perverts! D N A! Okay, we got six hours to find the cloning machine.
I brought trail mix and water in case it takes us all night to Found it! Good thing I brought this trash can in case we found it right away.
Wait! What are you gonna name yours? I want mine to have a sexy stripper name, like Honey.
I'm gonna name mine after my great-grandmother, Glitter.
Naming your sex clone after your great-grandmother.
That's a nice way to honor her.
Here we go.
Bring on the babes! Un-clone! Un-clone! Control-Z! Control-Z! They're finally asleep.
Man this backfired.
I know.
In every cloning movie, they come out fully grown.
This isn't a movie, Steve! This is real life! We waltzed into the CIA to clone dates from pubic hair and spit, and now we're totally screwed for prom! Forget prom! What, what are we gonna do about these babies? We got to get to school! "Rainbow Unicorn Gardens Day Care.
" Where is it? Oh, you must be the new applicants.
Hi.
I'm Skyler Montessori, founder of Rainbow Unicorn Gardens.
We are an elite, exclusive day care, but we strive for diversity.
This one's dirt-poor.
It's fun.
So, can we just drop them off and pick them up after school? Oh, no, no, no, no, not so fast.
We don't take just any children.
There's a rigorous application process.
We don't have time for this.
We'll find someplace else.
Wait.
Your baby doesn't have a belly button.
That's, um because they're clones.
Clones? Well, hmm Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Stacey over at the Sunshine Shack doesn't have any clones.
I'll take 'em! Thank God! No! Damien, we do not eat glue! The glue is not for eating! You guys you guys are like little people.
I never thought I'd say this, but crap, school's over.
I know.
Is there anything we can do to avoid going home to those babies? Maybe.
Watch this.
Hey, Miss Lane, Snot and I were just giggling and talking about how your ass is disgusting.
Is that the kind of thing that would land two boys in detention? Steve, Snot, detention is for boys who don't tell the truth.
Oh, there you are! And only two hours late! Oh, it's okay, though.
I can always get the next bus.
It's fine.
Yeah, it's fine that I spend my days taking care of other people's kids while my own kids are raised by my bitch mother.
That's a super sad fake story, but we're not the only late ones.
What about those girls' parents? Actually, those are your girls.
What?! Yep, they did a lot of growing today.
When they got here they couldn't even sit up, and now I taught them to-- girls, do it! They can do whatever that's called.
How is this possible? They must be five years old by now.
Do you realize what this means? At the accelerated rate they're growing, they're gonna be the right age for prom by Saturday! Cool! We can just leave 'em here! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, sirs, this is a day care.
Your girls are getting too old.
Fortunately, my sister happens to run a girls' finishing school in this very attic.
My sister mentioned you'd be by.
Madeline Carpal-Tunnel, pleased to meet you.
Backs straight, girls! And remember, those books are for posture only.
A literate girl is a lonely girl.
This is awesome! In just two more days they'll be the perfect age for prom.
And after prom.
How old do you have to be to go to the Waffle House? Oh, that's not what you meant.
Okay, girls, time for bed.
I'm so excited for prom tomorrow! Good night, ladies.
Wait! We made you something to wear to prom.
Aw.
Aw.
Thanks, doodlebug.
Mwah.
A macaroni necklace.
Do I look like a necklace guy? The point is, she made you something.
Yeah, no, I know.
She's just kind of a disappointment.
Ah, prom night.
It's been a long road, but the girls are finally of age.
Time to punch our V-cards.
I'd love to tell you I feel unprepared, but the space between my couch cushions would beg to differ.
Okay, they're ready! Dude! Dude! Didn't think you had it in you, but, seriously, sick trim, bro.
Come on, you kids, picture time! Guys, move in a little closer like you want to do 'em.
Can you girls give us a second? I-I don't know if I can go through with this.
I mean, I raised Glitter.
She's practically my daughter.
I know.
I feel the same way about Honey.
We even have the same laugh.
What do we do? We've literally waited our whole lives to go to prom.
They're really excited to go.
Clearly we can't sleep with our daughters, but I guess we could still take them as friends.
Yeah, you're right.
We'll just take them as friends.
Go grab the corsages, will you, bud? Where did Snot and Glitter go? Uh, are those condoms?! Snot, we said we weren't gonna sleep with our daughters! You didn't say I couldn't plow yours! But it was heavily implied! It was heavily implied.
Snot just ran off with my daughter! Your daughter? I mean my water.
The majority of our body is made out of water.
He's right.
We're water.
I'm a man made out of water.
I'm a water man! Do you know what this means? Don't just sit there and stare at me, you sack of water.
Say something! We're water! Quick, have you guys seen Snot? He left.
Said he couldn't wait until after prom to lose his virginity, so he took Glitter back to his limo.
Oh, no! What if he's already having sex with her? Hey! Sorry, tubby.
You snooze, you lose.
So where you from? The C.
I.
A.
Huh, small world.
I work there.
And, uh, how long have you and Steve been friends? My whole life.
Three days.
Three days? That means you were born on the 30th.
You have the same birthday as Selena Gomez.
That lucky duck.
She has a belly button ring.
You should so get one of those.
I can't.
I don't have a belly button.
Now I get it.
Excuse me, I must use my wireless telephone right now.
This is the voice mailbox of Steven Anita Smith.
I'm Anita call you back.
Steve, I know you cloned these girls! If the C.
I.
A.
finds out, I'll lose my job.
Now I got to un-clone them.
Un-clone means kill.
Whoops.
Un-clone means kill.
Honey! Stan! Don't judge me.
It was just a clone.
See, doesn't even feel pain.
All right, American Dadders, earlier in the episode Francine made reference to poet François le Métel de Boisrobert.
What country did he hail from? The answer is Spain.
Keep up your learning, America! Now, Steve and Snot, take it away! What are you doing here?! Taking you home.
Come on.
You are ruining prom! Come on, Steve.
This might be our only chance to lose our virginity.
It's what we've always wanted.
Not like this, Snot.
Not like this.
But this is what my whole life's been leading up to.
Yes, and it's all my fault.
Glitter, you're not just some conquest.
You're an amazing and beautiful young woman, and that's how you should be treated.
My sister was right.
You are somebody's daughter.
Mine.
There's no one else like you in this entire universe.
You mean except for the person I was cloned from? That girl's nothing like you.
Total bitch.
She spit in my face.
And it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
That was beautiful, Steve.
I know she's in there, Steve! Go! I'll hold him off! Hey, Mr.
Smith.
Hey, Snot.
That was brave, dude.
That clone has to die, Steve! You can't kill her! I raised her from a little loogie! We're all water, Steve! I think we can jump and make it to the cafeteria.
You ready, Glitter? Glitter? What's wrong? I've reached the age of the girl I was cloned from and my body's shutting down.
Clonal cellular deterioration? Maybe.
No! This can't be happening.
You can't die yet.
You haven't experienced all the wonderful things I've dreamt for you.
Because of you, I've seen things you wouldn't believe, like dust motes glittering in a sunbeam through an attic window or the inside of a limousine, which is like a really big car, which I have no reference for because I've never been in a regular-sized car.
And-and that's pretty much all I've seen, but that seems like a pretty full life.
And I got to know the one person who gave me all this, the nicest father in the world: you.
Time to die.
Just to be sure.
My daughter she's gone.
No parent should have to bury their child.
Which is why your mother and I have arranged for you to be cremated.
What am I supposed to do now? You're gonna have to be strong, Steve.
Be a man and move on with your life.
Darren! It's okay.
Y-You just have to be strong, remember? Shut up! Get away from me! Oh, God! Oh, God, it hurts! No one's ever felt this kind of pain before! I know it's hard, Dad.
But we're both gonna have to learn to let go.
Wait a minute.
I think I have a solution to both our problems.
Dear God.
Yeah, didn't think that one all the way through.
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
Yup, those numbers check out.
Wait, Vince, hold up, hold up.
Let's see how virginy these guys really are.
Have you even touched a boob? Yeah! I was breast-fed.
Nice! What about you? I was a formula baby.
My mom's an alcoholic.
Wrong answer! Next question.
Have either of you ever gazed into the eyes of your lover as the world falls away, and you realize you're no longer two people but one soul united? Um Um Gay! Gay! Man, we're pathetic! We got to find a way to have sex.
And not just for them, for us, too! It's not like we haven't tried.
Great.
No paper towels.
This day is a beast.
That's it! Prom! Prom is when girls are socially conditioned to put out the most.
Yes, assuming you can get them to go with you.
How are we gonna get dates? I don't know.
Who-who are guys that get lots of girls? Celebrities? You're right.
We need new head shots.
Dude, our head shots almost got us the OshKosh B'gosh campaign.
I'm keeping 'em.
So, in summary, we're hoping you can tell us how we can land two willing ladies to go to the prom with us.
Now, they don't have to be smart, their breasts don't need to be prizewinners, but we should know they're there, and their asses should Stop! You guys are pigs.
You can't objectify women like this.
These girls you're talking about, they're someone's sister, someone's daughter.
I-If, if you'll just let me finish my sentence.
Asses.
We'd prefer slightly too large or boyish.
But this is low-priority.
Look, I'd love to stay and tell you how disgusting you are, but I got to go dump out to make room for this hot and cheesy hoagie.
W-Was that a dodo? I thought they were extinct.
Nope.
Thanks to the cloning machine at work, the only thing that's extinct-- dot, dot, dot-- is extinction.
Come here, you.
It's my week to take care of Darren.
I wuv you, Dawwen! Is my little dodo hungry? Ah, the dodo-- Raphus cucullatus.
These magnificent creatures would still be around today if not for the bloodthirsty Dutch hunting them to extinction in 1662.
The very same year the world lost French poet François le Métel de Boisrobert.
Nobody cares about your stuff, Francine.
Oh, no, you don't.
Can't let this guy get out.
If the world discovered the CIA was cloning things, they'd shut us down for playing God.
You know who else played God? George Burns.
And he's dead! So, we might not know girls, but we do know math, and if we ask every girl in school, odds are two of 'em are bound to go to prom with us.
Sorry, not interested.
I don't think so.
In your dreams, nerd! What about no don't you understand? Hey, fellas.
Hi, guys.
Steven.
So, since none of us have dates for the prom, Snot and I were thinking the four of us could all hang out.
No girls, no distractions, just another hard-core BF weekend! Sounds great, but Toshi and I already have dates.
What?! We're taking twins! Twins! We don't have any twins at this school.
Sure, we do.
Twins! I can't believe this! We're gonna be the last virgins on the planet.
Well, what are we supposed to do? Every girl turned us down.
Even the quadriplegic girl blinked "no.
" Stupid clone dodo.
Wait a second.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I don't know.
Isn't Darren a boy bird? I mean, I guess he can't tell on us.
What? No.
W We use the cloning machine at my dad's work to make prom dates.
Really? Yeah, man.
We find two of the hottest girls around, we get their DNA, we clone 'em, and we bone 'em! Totally on board.
But where do we get DNA for our T-n-A? Oh, my God, I wish I had your boobs.
Oh, my God, I wish I had your eating disorder.
Field day! The perfect DNA sample! All we need is another one and What are you two doing in here?! I know it looks bad-- two teenage boys in a girls' dressing room-- but I can assure you we are only here to collect pubic hair.
Darn! We only got one DNA sample! And stay out, perverts! D N A! Okay, we got six hours to find the cloning machine.
I brought trail mix and water in case it takes us all night to Found it! Good thing I brought this trash can in case we found it right away.
Wait! What are you gonna name yours? I want mine to have a sexy stripper name, like Honey.
I'm gonna name mine after my great-grandmother, Glitter.
Naming your sex clone after your great-grandmother.
That's a nice way to honor her.
Here we go.
Bring on the babes! Un-clone! Un-clone! Control-Z! Control-Z! They're finally asleep.
Man this backfired.
I know.
In every cloning movie, they come out fully grown.
This isn't a movie, Steve! This is real life! We waltzed into the CIA to clone dates from pubic hair and spit, and now we're totally screwed for prom! Forget prom! What, what are we gonna do about these babies? We got to get to school! "Rainbow Unicorn Gardens Day Care.
" Where is it? Oh, you must be the new applicants.
Hi.
I'm Skyler Montessori, founder of Rainbow Unicorn Gardens.
We are an elite, exclusive day care, but we strive for diversity.
This one's dirt-poor.
It's fun.
So, can we just drop them off and pick them up after school? Oh, no, no, no, no, not so fast.
We don't take just any children.
There's a rigorous application process.
We don't have time for this.
We'll find someplace else.
Wait.
Your baby doesn't have a belly button.
That's, um because they're clones.
Clones? Well, hmm Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Stacey over at the Sunshine Shack doesn't have any clones.
I'll take 'em! Thank God! No! Damien, we do not eat glue! The glue is not for eating! You guys you guys are like little people.
I never thought I'd say this, but crap, school's over.
I know.
Is there anything we can do to avoid going home to those babies? Maybe.
Watch this.
Hey, Miss Lane, Snot and I were just giggling and talking about how your ass is disgusting.
Is that the kind of thing that would land two boys in detention? Steve, Snot, detention is for boys who don't tell the truth.
Oh, there you are! And only two hours late! Oh, it's okay, though.
I can always get the next bus.
It's fine.
Yeah, it's fine that I spend my days taking care of other people's kids while my own kids are raised by my bitch mother.
That's a super sad fake story, but we're not the only late ones.
What about those girls' parents? Actually, those are your girls.
What?! Yep, they did a lot of growing today.
When they got here they couldn't even sit up, and now I taught them to-- girls, do it! They can do whatever that's called.
How is this possible? They must be five years old by now.
Do you realize what this means? At the accelerated rate they're growing, they're gonna be the right age for prom by Saturday! Cool! We can just leave 'em here! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, sirs, this is a day care.
Your girls are getting too old.
Fortunately, my sister happens to run a girls' finishing school in this very attic.
My sister mentioned you'd be by.
Madeline Carpal-Tunnel, pleased to meet you.
Backs straight, girls! And remember, those books are for posture only.
A literate girl is a lonely girl.
This is awesome! In just two more days they'll be the perfect age for prom.
And after prom.
How old do you have to be to go to the Waffle House? Oh, that's not what you meant.
Okay, girls, time for bed.
I'm so excited for prom tomorrow! Good night, ladies.
Wait! We made you something to wear to prom.
Aw.
Aw.
Thanks, doodlebug.
Mwah.
A macaroni necklace.
Do I look like a necklace guy? The point is, she made you something.
Yeah, no, I know.
She's just kind of a disappointment.
Ah, prom night.
It's been a long road, but the girls are finally of age.
Time to punch our V-cards.
I'd love to tell you I feel unprepared, but the space between my couch cushions would beg to differ.
Okay, they're ready! Dude! Dude! Didn't think you had it in you, but, seriously, sick trim, bro.
Come on, you kids, picture time! Guys, move in a little closer like you want to do 'em.
Can you girls give us a second? I-I don't know if I can go through with this.
I mean, I raised Glitter.
She's practically my daughter.
I know.
I feel the same way about Honey.
We even have the same laugh.
What do we do? We've literally waited our whole lives to go to prom.
They're really excited to go.
Clearly we can't sleep with our daughters, but I guess we could still take them as friends.
Yeah, you're right.
We'll just take them as friends.
Go grab the corsages, will you, bud? Where did Snot and Glitter go? Uh, are those condoms?! Snot, we said we weren't gonna sleep with our daughters! You didn't say I couldn't plow yours! But it was heavily implied! It was heavily implied.
Snot just ran off with my daughter! Your daughter? I mean my water.
The majority of our body is made out of water.
He's right.
We're water.
I'm a man made out of water.
I'm a water man! Do you know what this means? Don't just sit there and stare at me, you sack of water.
Say something! We're water! Quick, have you guys seen Snot? He left.
Said he couldn't wait until after prom to lose his virginity, so he took Glitter back to his limo.
Oh, no! What if he's already having sex with her? Hey! Sorry, tubby.
You snooze, you lose.
So where you from? The C.
I.
A.
Huh, small world.
I work there.
And, uh, how long have you and Steve been friends? My whole life.
Three days.
Three days? That means you were born on the 30th.
You have the same birthday as Selena Gomez.
That lucky duck.
She has a belly button ring.
You should so get one of those.
I can't.
I don't have a belly button.
Now I get it.
Excuse me, I must use my wireless telephone right now.
This is the voice mailbox of Steven Anita Smith.
I'm Anita call you back.
Steve, I know you cloned these girls! If the C.
I.
A.
finds out, I'll lose my job.
Now I got to un-clone them.
Un-clone means kill.
Whoops.
Un-clone means kill.
Honey! Stan! Don't judge me.
It was just a clone.
See, doesn't even feel pain.
All right, American Dadders, earlier in the episode Francine made reference to poet François le Métel de Boisrobert.
What country did he hail from? The answer is Spain.
Keep up your learning, America! Now, Steve and Snot, take it away! What are you doing here?! Taking you home.
Come on.
You are ruining prom! Come on, Steve.
This might be our only chance to lose our virginity.
It's what we've always wanted.
Not like this, Snot.
Not like this.
But this is what my whole life's been leading up to.
Yes, and it's all my fault.
Glitter, you're not just some conquest.
You're an amazing and beautiful young woman, and that's how you should be treated.
My sister was right.
You are somebody's daughter.
Mine.
There's no one else like you in this entire universe.
You mean except for the person I was cloned from? That girl's nothing like you.
Total bitch.
She spit in my face.
And it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
That was beautiful, Steve.
I know she's in there, Steve! Go! I'll hold him off! Hey, Mr.
Smith.
Hey, Snot.
That was brave, dude.
That clone has to die, Steve! You can't kill her! I raised her from a little loogie! We're all water, Steve! I think we can jump and make it to the cafeteria.
You ready, Glitter? Glitter? What's wrong? I've reached the age of the girl I was cloned from and my body's shutting down.
Clonal cellular deterioration? Maybe.
No! This can't be happening.
You can't die yet.
You haven't experienced all the wonderful things I've dreamt for you.
Because of you, I've seen things you wouldn't believe, like dust motes glittering in a sunbeam through an attic window or the inside of a limousine, which is like a really big car, which I have no reference for because I've never been in a regular-sized car.
And-and that's pretty much all I've seen, but that seems like a pretty full life.
And I got to know the one person who gave me all this, the nicest father in the world: you.
Time to die.
Just to be sure.
My daughter she's gone.
No parent should have to bury their child.
Which is why your mother and I have arranged for you to be cremated.
What am I supposed to do now? You're gonna have to be strong, Steve.
Be a man and move on with your life.
Darren! It's okay.
Y-You just have to be strong, remember? Shut up! Get away from me! Oh, God! Oh, God, it hurts! No one's ever felt this kind of pain before! I know it's hard, Dad.
But we're both gonna have to learn to let go.
Wait a minute.
I think I have a solution to both our problems.
Dear God.
Yeah, didn't think that one all the way through.
Bye! Have a beautiful time.