American Dad s09e02 Episode Script


Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Ah, Frankie Scott Key.
You're the white man's Marvin Gaye.
Amazing sex, Francine.
Yup, you completely reduced my swelling.
And how was it for you, Francine? It was great, right? Wasn't it so great? As always, Stan.
It was fabulous.
Just fabulous.
Couldn't have chosen a better word.
It was fantastic.
Just think.
For 20 years, I've been taking you to Satisfaction Avenue.
You know, that's where you get off.
And then wait for the next bus, which comes right on schedule, every 96 hours.
Uh, yup, that's my stop, baby.
Oh, there go the lights again.
I'll check the fuse box.
Whoa, where'd you get that old candelabra? Oh, I keep it under the bed.
Next to the flashlight.
Mom, what are you doing?! Oh, my, Hayley, who's your swarthy, chiseled friend? Mom, this is Mauricio.
We are benefits.
Benefits? Uh, he means we're friends with benefits, but we're not friends.
Well, then, just pretend I'm not here.
All right, Mom.
Come on, Mauricio, let's go upstairs.
Save your legs for spasming.
We'll try to keep it down.
Or don't.
It'd be nice to hear someone have some fun in this house.
Oh, my God! That seemed to just fly off the wall all by itself.
Oh, well.
Probably nothing.
Auf Wiedersehen! Klaus, you made me lose my turn! Sorry, Steve.
I just wanted to say I'm off to Atlantic City for a weekend of motivational workshops by Deepak Chopra, Phil Jackson, and George Bush.
The one-termer, not the hero.
This weekend is going to change my life.
Steve, will you remember to feed my pet smaller fish? Yeah, yeah, I'm on it.
Ooh, that's my shuttle.
This guy's got a broken funny bone.
Call NBC.
They'll give him a half hour, they will.
What the hell? Steve, I did not touch the rim.
Yes, you did.
The board buzzed.
I've performed this very operation far drunker and on real people! Something else made the buzzer go off.
You know, this isn't the first strange occurrence in the house lately.
I think this may be the work of a ghost.
Roger, that is the lamest excuse ever to get an extra turn.
I'm serious, Steve.
Things in this house have had a mind of their own, and and I've felt a dark presence when nobody's there.
And, yes, I would like another turn.
There's no such thing as ghosts.
Then how do you explain that? Oh, my God! I know.
Outside of the commercials, that's the first time I've ever seen that game work.
Here we are, sir.
Oh, what a wonderful room.
Just set me down on the bed.
Ooh, these sheets feel so good against my bowl.
And could you please put the "Do not disturb" sign on the door? Of course, sir.
And if you need anything at all, my name is Benji.
Thanks, Benji.
If you're a Parrothead, try Jimmy Buffet's Key West Saloon, located downstairs in the lobby.
From world-renowned chef Gordon Fukayami comes Roppongi, a bistro house with a South Asian flair.
And if you're looking to get your funny bone tickled, don't miss Rita Rudner's hilarious live stand-up show.
Do you know the difference between a government bond and a man? The bond matures.
Absolutely incredible! And if it's nightlife you're after Ow! My lower lumbar! dance the night away at our exclusive club Entrancia.
Aah! Damn it! If you're a Parrothead, try Jimmy Buffet's Key West Saloon located downstairs in the lobby.
From world-renowned chef Gordon Fukayami comes Roppongi, a bistro house with a South Asian flair.
Stay calm, Klaus.
The maid will be here soon.
And if you're looking to get your funny bone tickled She'll get some back pills, and you'll be good to go.
don't miss Rita Rudner's hilarious live stand-up show.
Do you know the difference between a government bond and a man? Roger, we've set up cameras in every room in the house, and the only strange activity we've seen is stuff we already know about.
Like how Dad pretends he's a mummy when he's on the toilet.
Also, we know Francine is way too interested in Hayley's sex life.
Is she eating mozzarella like it's an apple? Look, Roger, I admit something may have been here, but it's gone now.
of the ghost.
Really have to pee, but don't want to miss anything.
Shut your stupid face.
In the basement.
The washing machine.
It looks like Mom! Hey, guys.
What did you wake me up for? I was having a dream I owned a collectibles shop.
Was haggling with a kid about a Grimace glass.
Now, Dad, prepare yourself.
Roger and I found proof the house is haunted.
Haunted?! Pl-ease.
As if a pizza guy has ever been murdered here and buried under the foundation.
But nobody's gone to the cops, right? What? Stan, no.
I don't know how it's possible, but this ghost is real, and it looks just like me! Well, maybe 20 pounds ago.
Dad, check out this footage from the basement.
That was scary! But-but fun scary.
It's fun to be scared, huh? This is phenomenal special effects work, Steve.
No, it's real.
It is a ghost.
And it's beautiful.
Whoa, it's chosen me.
It's chosen me.
Ow! That really hurt, beautiful specter.
This is freaking my deeky out.
All right, that's it.
I'm texting the one person who can help.
My name is Ruby Zeldastein.
I'm a medium to the other side, and I make a hell of a shoofly pie.
Are we really gonna do this? Do you have a medium character? Oh, there is a presence here.
A very bitter presence.
Full of resentment.
You're mine now! Mauricio! Is anyone else still seeing his junk when they close their eyes? Yup.
What the hell was that thing that took Mauricio?! Darling, that was a spirit.
Your spirit.
I'm dead? Maybe that's why my nails have stopped growing.
Oh, wait.
There they go.
Not all hauntings are caused by the dead, child.
Sometimes they're caused by emotions.
Feelings kept locked away so long that they manifest themselves as a malevolent force.
So it is a poltergeist.
Not quite.
The entity in this house was born specifically out of Francine's sexual frustration.
I like to call it a "poltergasm.
" What are you doing? I just drew a trademark sign with my finger, child, because I've registered the word "poltergasm.
" Any movie scripts you write based on your experiences here, Ruby gets a slice.
This is preposterous! I took Francine to Satisfaction Avenue just last night.
Oh, I doubt that.
Now, sweetie, try to remember.
When was the last time your husband satisfied you? Well, like Stan said, last night.
Do you know that to be the only and absolute truth? And therefore the Christian truth? Well sort of.
It's more like Satisfaction Avenue adjacent.
Adjacent?! But when we have sex, you look just like Meg Ryan in that scene from When Harry Met Sally when she fakes it.
Oh, my God, I love that movie.
Mom, this makes sense.
The way you look at Mauricio and me? You are clearly jealous and repressed.
Yes, this foul spirit was born of a lie and nurtured by repression.
Think back.
When did it all begin? I guess a couple years ago when we went to that Sandals resort for our anniversary.
Oh, my God, that was the best sex ever! Awesome as usual, right? Be honest.
You got there, didn't you? Well, actually I have really gotten this down to a science.
I get in, I do what I need to do, and I get the hell out.
How great was it for you? So great, right? It was, Stan.
I-It was the best.
It was fabulous.
God's clapping for me.
You've been faking it for two years? Stan, just because a jack-in-the-box doesn't pop out doesn't mean I don't enjoy you cranking the handle.
Don't touch me.
I don't satisfy anymore.
I'm the opposite of Snickers! I'm sorry I'm not packed with peanuts, Francine! All this talk about satisfying's getting my girdle all gooey.
I think I'm wearing it wrong.
And if you're looking to get your funny bone tickled, don't miss Rita Rudner's hilarious live stand-up show.
Do you know the difference between a government bond and a man? The bond matures.
Absolutely incredible! Absolutely incredible.
And if it's nightlife you're after, dance the night away at our exclusive club, Entrancia.
If you're a Parrothead, try Jimmy Buffett's Key West Saloon located downstairs in the lobby.
From world-renowned chef Gordon Fukayami comes Roppongi, a bistro house with a South Asian flair.
And if you're looking to get your funny bone tickled, don't miss Rita Rudner's hilarious live stand-up show.
Do you know the difference between a government bond and a man? The bond matures.
Absolutely incredible! Absolutely incredible.
Benji! Mauricio, be strong! Just follow the rope into the light! You did it! I'm a-free! Mauricio, no! This problem is far worse than I first sensed.
Your mother's poltergasm-- trademarked-- has got Mauricio in its claws like that claw game at arcades, except, you know, if the claw was strong and didn't drop things.
So pretty much not that claw game.
Ruby, what A-Are you saying there's no way to get Mauricio back? I'm sorry, child, but this spirit is not gonna be satisfied until your mother is.
And since your father isn't up to the task, - I'm not sure who is.
- Well Ah Oh, no.
I just need a new belt.
I just don't get it.
I did everything right.
I can't help but feel this is her fault.
Dad, you have to snap out of it.
You got to get Mom where she needs to get to.
I can't, Hayley.
I don't know what to do.
If only there was some sort of kindly robot or magic wand that could pleasure my wife.
But we live in the real world.
Dad, look around you.
The ghost is getting stronger.
You have to satisfy Mom.
You're right.
But I clearly don't know what I'm doing anymore.
You just need to get some help.
A book or the Internet Or an oversexed hippie who just happens to be my daughter.
Hayley, you are gonna be my sex coach.
Well, that really backfired on me, didn't it? Okay, Dad, we're running out of time.
Tonight's the night you have to please Mom, and we're gonna help.
All right, let's do this.
What's my name? What are we talking about? All right, let's do this.
Ruby and I will fix up your bedroom to look just like your anniversary suite.
By recreating the night the poltergasm was born but changing the outcome, it will expel the foul horny spirit from this family.
Nobody's questioning that and we're moving on.
I call tonight the Sexorcism.
Now, that's really trademarked, because I found out that somebody else already had "poltergasm" trademarked and now I'm in hot water.
Let's start your training, Dad.
First things first, what do you do before sex? What do you mean? Before sex I'm at work.
This looks just like our anniversary suite.
It even smells like it.
This beach-scented candle from CVS is guaranteed to grease the beef or your money back.
But I stole this one, so don't try to return it.
You guys have done a great job.
I just don't know if I can pull this off.
Dad, just remember what you learned today and everything will be fine.
Hi, Stan.
American Dad is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Yeah, Stan! I don't want that cup.
Why would I want a non-mint condition Grimace cup? Your selection is shoddy.
Wake up, children.
Look around you.
Everything's back to normal.
I just acted so heterosexual that I needed something phallic in my mouth to even things out.
I just knew my Stan the Man would take me there.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go downstairs and work on my skateboard.
I think today I just might finish it.
Wait a minute.
If Dad did the job, then where's Mauricio? What do you want from me?! You got your big "O"! No "O"! Come on! Let's get out of here! It won't budge! The kitchen door! Let's go! We're trapped! The Halloween decorations! Devil Austin Powers! Happy Halloween, baby.
The walls! They're closing in! And the house is sinking, too! It's a twofer! It's a terrible twofer! You lied! I shook the headboard but I couldn't curl your toes! I'm sorry! No one shall find release until I do! Dad, what did you do wrong?! I don't know! Probably everything! Well, you're gonna have to give it one more money shot! It's our only hope! I can't perform under these conditions! I'm not going out like this! This is Mexican Tar Viagra! Now down it! They taste terrible.
That's 'cause they're suppositories.
Okay, honey.
Let's do this.
I need to get you there, and we're running out of time.
I'm sorry, Stan.
This isn't working.
And if we're really gonna die, can we at least just take things slow? What do you mean? Oh, Stan, don't you remember? We used to take all night long.
You used to kiss my neck.
Really? Why? Because it was never about finishing the race; it was about running it.
But somewhere along the way-- I don't know-- you just started treating our sex like it was another one of your missions.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
I do do that.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
That's okay.
Just kiss my neck.
It's working! I just remembered I also used to blow in your ear! Oh, Stan.
That really turns me on.
Francine, why didn't you tell me you were so unsatisfied? I don't know! I guess I was afraid of hurting your feelings.
Now lick my neck and tell me I'm your favorite horse in the stable! You're my favorite horse on the whole frontier.
Now talk like you're the Monopoly guy! Oh, you freak.
You lovable freak.
Keep telling me what to do.
I didn't say Thurston Howell! I said the Monopoly guy! I'm a-free! Bull's-eye.
This house is clean.
But as for those sheets babadababadababadababada- babadababada- babadababada- babadababadababadababada Oh, Klaus, I heard you were in Atlantic City.
Did you try that new restaurant Roppongi? I didn't go there to eat.
I went there to improve myself.
Which I did do.
Oh, yeah? In what way? I'm just better, okay?! Klaus, chill out.
We're all happy for you.
Well, it doesn't sound like that.
Geez, you guys need to be more like a government bond and mature.
Klaus, that's pretty funny.
Did you just think of that? I've been thinking about it for a few days.
Bye! Have a beautiful time.