American Dad s11e13 Episode Script

Holy Shit, Jeff's Back!

Tyler Wiley, you like me, right? It doesn't matter.
Just listen to your body, girl.
Yes, listen to your body, Becky.
We can all hear it.
Sir, there's a meteor headed straight for Langley Falls! Take it easy, Joeson.
It's probably nothing.
Also, we're running low on dot matrix ink, - and no one sells it anymore.
- Noooo! Daddy, please don't leave.
Son, I'm just going to the store to get some cigarettes.
No.
Your son needs you.
End the cycle.
Well, this is strange.
This is the nighttime, a time we don't normally receive visitors.
Hey, Mr.
S.
I'm home.
Jeff's back.
Francine, honey, can you bring me my gun? - Jeff, don't go anywhere.
- Okay.
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Hey, mister.
How was space? - Vast.
- Hayley, your husband's back.
Oh, she's gonna be so excited.
Oh, here's your gun, honey.
Jeff! You're finally home! Oh, I missed you so much! Oh, your hat stinks so good.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
Hayley, cover your ears.
Daddy's gonna make a bang.
- Dad, what are you doing? - I'm sorry, Hayley.
I know you're excited Jeff's back.
But he knows that Roger's an alien, and he can't stop himself from telling everyone.
So he has to die.
Mom, do something.
- You know how your father gets.
- Before you kill me, mr.
S.
, I want you to know that I've changed.
In space, all you have is time to think about what you'd do different in your life.
That and what you would call the offspring - of a labradoodle and a cheagle.
- Chalabradeagle.
Easy.
I won't say anything.
I promise.
Dad, you have to give him a chance.
Oh, Mr.
S.
I got you something while I was in space.
You can open it now or after you kill me.
- It reminded me of you.
- Ha! You don't know me.
It's a souvenir from the Haverglack galaxy.
It's like a clock, except it makes fart noises.
This is amazing! I'm gonna set an alarm for tomorrow morning! Ha ha! That last one was me! 'Sup? I know that guy.
Is that the guy who works at Panera Bread? No, no.
That guy died.
Oh, wait.
That's Jeff! I sent him into space.
I wonder if he remembers that.
God, I could go for a panera.
Oh, "Kate & Leopold.
" Hi, Jeff.
I still can't belive you're back.
I feel like when you left, my whole life got put on pause.
A-And now I get to un-pause it.
And I'd like to start by smoking a bowl and un-pausing "Transformers: Dark of the Moon," the movie we paused right before you left and our lives were put on pause.
I'd love to catch up with Bumblebee and the gang, but I don't smoke anymore.
What? Wait, I'm sorry.
Huh? Look, Hayley.
I meant what I told your family.
- I wanna be a better man.
- But pot's basically legal.
Prop 87 said cops have to be super-chill about it now.
Ooh, I know.
How about a little mood music? - Oh, god.
What is this? - It's your favorite jam band Fish.
I-I can't make out to this.
There's no song structure.
The drummer's just waiting for the guitarist to do something.
Okay.
How about this song, then? Are we gonna [bleep] or what? Snot let me borrow his hamster while he's at Jewish camp.
I'm so excited to take care of him.
For the hamster's sake, I hope you do a better job of taking care of him than you do of me.
- You're not my pet, Klaus.
- Well, why not, Steve?! Why not?! Klaus wants a teenage boy to take care of him? I guess you can take the brain out of a German, but you can't take the German out of a brain.
Ooh, Jeff.
Burning Klaus.
I hope you like your fish blackened.
I told you space changed me.
It opened my eyes.
And one of the things I realized up there was what a great role model you are.
- Me? - Him? You have a job, you provide for your family, you're a productive member of society.
Wow.
You really know your stuff.
I was hoping you could help me learn to be a real man, - Mr.
S.
, like you.
- Jeff, can I just say I am loving the new you.
And I would love to take the new you to the new Fro-Yo place that opened right after Roger threw you into space.
Look at that.
I made Jeff better.
I guess that's just what Roger does, makes things better.
This is mine.
I brought this.
Dad, can I go with you? I love that place.
Sorry, Steve.
Three people make for a weird dynamic.
Two people always turn against one.
- But, dad - You'd be the one, Steve.
- Look, it's already happening.
Jeff? - I'd love to go.
I just have to go upstairs to, um, take care of something.
Does Jeff seem a little weird to you guys since he got back? Like, a little different? - Hell yeah! He's better.
- Way better.
If I were you, Hayley, I'd lock that down.
- Mom, we're already married.
- I mean lock it down for real.
Rings catch girls.
Babies trap boys.
Zebleer to mother ship.
Greetings, Zebleer.
Please update mission status.
The mission continues as planned, brother.
The simpleminded earthlings suspect nothing.
Good.
Have you found an acceptable specimen? Yes, an alpha male with a job the exact opposite of our first earthling.
I will earn his trust and then transport him to the mother ship.
Ever wonder why we don't call it a father ship? Are you working on material for that stand-up thing you invited us to? No.
No, no, no, no.
So, Andromedan pod monsters be shopping.
I've initiated contact with the host familly and have three Earth specimens ready to Blorph.
We are ready for your Blorph.
First item is fork.
Next item is spoon.
And now hamster.
Oh, my god! How could you send a living animal through the Blorpher without warning me he'd be so cute?! Excellent work, Zebleer.
Blorphs received.
End transmission.
"Blorph.
" We have got to come up with a different name for the Blorph machine.
- I feel so stupid saying "Blorph.
" - Well, you'll have to take that up with the inventor of the Blorph, Dr.
Blorph McBlorph-Blorph.
Whoo! Aw, man.
Nice slide! You were going so fast.
- Hey, babe, we'll be back soon.
- Okay, but real quick, why are you so eager to hang out with my dad? - He's cool.
- Face! Has anyone seen Snot's hamster? No time to care about your hamster, Steve.
I'm taking Jeff to your favorite Fro-Yo place.
Okay, I know I should be happy that Jeff's back, but something just doesn't feel right.
You mean because he's an alien who altered his appearance - to look like Jeff? - What?! Oh, I thought we all knew and we were just going along with it 'cause he's so much better than the actual Jeff.
Did you guys really not know?! Oh! Oh, that is so great.
You're saying that's not Jeff? Oh, no.
Honey, no.
That is definitely not Jeff.
Only question is, what is this alien doing here? We'll have to investigate.
Ooh! Detective time! Outfit change! Ooga-booga! Me hate fire! Open your mind, Hayley.
Anyone can be a detective.
Mm-mmm.
Wow.
This has got to be the best thing on the planet.
Oh, yeah, it's one of the finer things a man can enjoy in life, like driving with your knees or shooting your name into an old metal sign with a handgun.
I never even shot a handgun.
We're changing that.
We're changing that right now.
But where? Okay, let's see how you did.
"Zebleer"? No, doofus, you were supposed to spell your name.
- Oh, right.
My name's Jeff.
- No problem, Jeff.
You emptied the clip and hit the sign, which means your only problem is spelling.
Good thing that's easily fixable with a second gun.
Well, you spelled "Zebleer" again.
Okay, clues - Oh! A Blorpher! - What's that? Works kind of like a fax machine but for solid objects.
Humans would probably have something like this if they hadn't abandoned facsimile technology.
I still have a fax machine, but it's just so my commercial agent can send me sides for auditions.
Did I tell you I'm on hold for a Langley Mutual commercial? Roger! What does all this mean? It means it's between me and like one other person.
It's probably this guy Brad.
He books everything.
No, the Blorpher! Jeff! Oh, it means that the "Jeff" who is with Stan is a species of alien called the Collectors.
They're kind of like space's zookeepers.
Then where's my Jeff? They probably have a research ship in orbit.
He'll be up there.
A-And this machine can get me to him? Look, if you go up there, - there's no guarantee you'll come back.
- I don't care.
I'd rather die up there, trying to get Jeff, - than stay down here without him.
- Okay.
I think I'm finally starting to understand what it feels like to be a man.
Thanks again for showing me how to shoot.
Where I come from, we're expected to figure everything - out on our own.
- Where you come from? Ha, you're from Langley, ya goofball.
Man, you used to confuse the hell out of me with your stupid jokes I didn't understand.
But since you've come back, you are killing me with all these jokes I don't understand.
Smith.
Ah, damn.
We just went! Couple of my homeboys from the C.
I.
A.
- are hitting up the Fro-Yo stand.
- What if we went back and got some more, double dipped? I don't know what happened to you out there in the frozen void of space, but you came back a goddamn genius.
Oh, god! Oh, god! It hurts! Oh, god! Relax.
All the pain immediately stops on the other side.
What are you doing? You're coming with me! No, I'm not.
Let go.
Hayley! Let go, Hayley! Yep, this is a deep pain a very, very deep pain.
The Blorph alert? This is strange.
This is the nighttime, a time we don't normally receive Blorphs.
Uh, um, mmm.
Oh, man.
I'm out.
No, you're not.
Hold out your cup.
Fro-Yo bros! You would all share your bounty with me? All we're doing is sacrificing a little frozen yogurt - for our new best friend.
- Wow.
Mankind has a surprising proclivity for sacrifice.
Why did you say "mankind" like that? Yeah.
Nobody that's part of mankind would ever say "mankind" like that.
Uh, I guess I used to be such a slacker that I'm still learning to speak like a cool, responsible human like you guys.
Not cool.
This is not cool.
I'm on hold for Langley Mutual, Hayley.
I'm not supposed to leave town.
God, they're gonna move on to Brad.
Mother Ugh.
Brad's gonna get it.
So, no game plan? Just gonna run through an alien ship? Did you know Jacques Cousteau had a sex room just like this? Hayley! Hayley Smith, right? Who are you, and how do you know my name? You don't recognize Sinbad from "Houseguest"? He beat Dennis Miller on "Star Search.
" What are the schools even teaching these days? Hayley, I recognize you because I was with Jeff when we got caught by these aliens.
You were with Jeff? Where is he? Oh, you are in luck.
He's right there.
Hmm.
"You're in luck" may have been a bad choice of words.
Oh, god.
Jeff! You know what I'm just remembering right now? When the collectors encounter something new, they dissect it.
Can't believe I forgot that.
It's, like, their most famous thing.
That's why they're called the Dissectors.
You said they were called the Collectors.
Oh, they are now.
They used to be the Dissectors.
Did a bit of rebrand in the '80s.
Same people who did new Coke.
Ah, look at this.
More species for our collection.
- Seize them! - Hayley, run! I looked everywhere for Snot's hamster and I can't find it.
Maybe it's time to focus on the pet you can find.
You know, in Germany, goldfish are considered the hamsters of the sea.
Hmm.
I know you're lying, but maybe you're right, Klaus.
Check it out! I'm taking small bites - to make it last longer.
- Me, too! Mmm.
I'm pretending I'm a little baby mouse.
That's so smart! Uh-oh.
Mr.
S.
, I have to tell you something.
There's a reason I'm so much different from when I left Earth.
I'm not actually Jeff.
I'm not even human.
- I'm following.
Continue.
- My people came across the real Jeff and the ghost of Sinbad traveling the galaxy.
- Uh-huh.
Go on.
- My species are Collectors.
For eons, we have traveled the universe trying to gather, collect, - and catalog what we find.
- Naturally.
We had never encountered a human before, so it was decided that I would travel back to Earth disguised as Jeff to collect more information about humanity.
- Well, you came to the right place.
- And Jeff told me everything I needed to know to blend in.
So I came to Earth to live amongst you.
I was supposed to bring you back to the ship for dissection, - but I grew fond of you.
- Ditto.
But there's something you should know.
- The real Jeff is dead.
- Good.
Fingers crossed you feel the same way - about your daughter.
- What?! She went to rescue Jeff, and now they're gonna dissect her, too.
Get me to that ship! Something tells me this isn't hair removal! What nothing? I'm trying to keep it light here.
- Stop right there! - Dad! Brothers, we must stop the collection.
- Hubbub, hubbub.
- Peas and carrots, peas and carrots.
- Hubbub, hubbub.
- Peas and carrots, peas and carrots.
We can't kill her.
- She's important to this man here.
- Hey there.
And he's important to me because he taught me what it is to be Human.
They love.
They laugh.
They take prescription medication to help them love and laugh.
Humans may do all those wonderful things, - But we must collect.
- Perhaps this will change your mind.
It's called Fro-Yo, and it's proof of mankind's value.
This is delicious.
In return for giving us this savory cosmic treat, I will spare the lives of your human and your alien sex slave.
Stan, what did you tell him? We did it! I'm so glad everyone's okay.
Not everyone.
Hayley, don't be sad.
Alien Jeff is gonna stay on Earth and be the new Jeff.
So you get Jeff back, and I get to hang out with my new bud.
I don't want him.
But I'm an exact replica of the Jeff you lost.
You may be Jeff on the outside, but you're not Jeff up here.
Look, Hayley, I know how much you love Jeff, but there's no bringing him back.
If there was a way, I-I'd do it for you.
- Except there is a way.
- I won't do it for you.
I can't.
My hands are tied.
I will have Jeff's brain implanted in my head, which means I will die, but Jeff will live on in my body.
You would do that? Back on Earth, your dad and his friends made a sacrifice by giving me their frozen yogurt, and now I will make a sacrifice of my own! Whoa, whoa.
Let's slow down there.
- It was just a little Fro-Yo.
- No, the gestures are equal.
The universe is in balance.
Thanks for watching my hamster while I was away.
- So, where is he? - Right here.
And good news I taught him to swim and hold his breath for the rest of his life.
I can't wait to tell you about Jewish camp.
Wait.
You came back from Jewish camp? It'll feel so good to have Jeff back the real Jeff.
Oh, god! I'll never forget you, alien Jeff! Actually, you will.
The Collectors said this ship is equipped with "Men in black" technology.
It was weird that they referred to it as "Men in black" technology, right? Like, did they get the idea from the movie and then set out to create it? And how did they see "Men in black"? So many questions.
Anyway, you won't remember any of this, but I will.
- How? - I'm immune space stuff.
So, a-after we leave the ship, - none us will know Jeff's an alien? - Nope, not even Jeff.
But what if he has, like, a-a medical emergency - and we have to - Why don't we just wait and see? Okay? Can we do that? Can we wait and see? Why don't we just do that? - Babe? You found me! - Jeff! - I love you! - I love you, too, babe.
And, babe, I did a lot of thinking in space, and I decided that, if we ever have a kid, I'm willing to be a stay-at-home dad.
And you don't have to work, either.
We can stay at your parents' house and live off the government.
- Oh, god.
- Oh, hey, Mr.
S.
Well, since no one's gonna remember this B-B-B-Body slam! We had a lot of fun here on American Dad tonight but we also encountered a lot of danger guns, dissection, meteors.
Really makes you think that you should be prepared.
Hi.
I'm Brad for Langley Mutual Life insurance.
Maybe it's time to make sure you're prepared if something bad happens.
I know I am.
Langley Mutual! Langley Mutual We don't cover floods Bye! Have a beautifull day!