American Dad s11e14 Episode Script

American Fung

Don't turn channel! Please.
Hello.
This is "American Dad!" you are watching.
So, who am I? Fung Wah, Chinese billionaire.
You don't believe me? That's mine.
I am C.
E.
O.
of Fung Wah Enterprises -- big conglomerate with many assets.
Sure, I make money.
But what make me happy? American television -- so funny.
And who is funniest? I give you time to guess.
Seth MacFarlane! He shine like a diamond.
So we talk.
He admits he's bored of only being a cartoon emperor.
So I give him tennis-shoe business, and he give me "American Dad!" It's all mine! But don't worry.
It will be same show you always love.
Look at my money.
Okay? So, here is your "American Dad!" Please enjoy.
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race oh, boy, it's swell to say good -- good morning, U.
S.
A.
Keep it cool, Stan.
No one can tell you have an erection.
'Sup, bud? Super-soft over here.
Hello? Smith, happy anniversary.
Huh? Sir? It's not my anniversary.
Well, that just proves it is your anniversary, since you always forget your anniversary precisely on the day of your anniversary.
Oh, my God! It's my anniversary! Francine's gonna kill me.
I have nothing prepared.
Well, perhaps you can use the C.
I.
A.
time machine to go back a few days and arrange for the perfect anniversary.
We have a time machine? Sadly, no.
Not after you used it for your anniversary last year and altered the timeline.
Now we have a margarita machine and something called Israel.
Israel.
Please, sir, I'm in real big trouble here.
If you have any suggestions regarding my anniversary -- well, years ago, when I thought I was possessed by demons, they locked me up in a mental hospital.
Smith, those demons took over my every thought.
But luckily, the story has a happy ending.
The demon moved on into a baby.
That is a happy ending.
Don't interrupt, Smith.
Point is, it's a shame your wife is of sound mind.
Because if she were to be kept in a mental institution it could buy you some much needed anniversary-planning time.
Wait a minute.
We can just accuse Francine of being crazy and get her locked up on a 72-hour psych hold.
Capital idea.
Thank you, sir.
And, by the way, I should mention, this is the longest I've ever spoken on the phone before.
Not me, and I don't intend to break my record now.
Stan? W-w-what are you doing over there? Is this part of some weird surprise thing for our anniversary? That's her! Go, go, go! Beautiful.
Got to find the perfect anniversary gift for Francine.
Oop, I'm at the top.
Diamonds should do the trick.
Whoa! I always wanted one of those.
Whoa! We're gonna give it a jumpstart 4, 3, 2, 1, go what's up? When we get it going, no way we're gonna stop and all you need is a spark, spark if it's all that you got, got, got, got, got we're gonna gi-- go, what's up? We're gonna dance until our l-l-legs go into shock Like an adrenaline shot, shot going straight to the heart heart, heart, heart, heart, heart we're gonna give it a jump whoa, oh, eh, oh whoa, oh, eh, oh whoa, oh, eh, oh I wanna rock rock! I want to rock Yeah, Smith here.
Good afternoon, Mr.
Smith.
This is Fairfax County Psychiatric Hospital calling with some good news regarding your wife.
The doctors have given her a clean bill of health.
She's ready to be picked up.
Why are you telling me? I'm not her dad.
I'm her kids' dad, because we're married.
Yep.
For 19 years and 72 hours.
Ooh! Our anniversary.
Oh, shi-i-i-i-i-i-t! Roger! I knew this day would come.
I have too many clothes.
I got some new pants from Lululemon and tried to add them to the closet, and it just burst.
Like I did, through my Lululemon pants.
They make them too tight.
Roger, your room's getting dangerous.
You clearly have to get rid of some of your clothes.
I'd love to get rid of some stuff, but I-I wouldn't know where to start.
What about this huge pile of no fear T-shirts? You could get rid of this one.
No! People need to know that "2nd place is first loser.
" What about this one? No.
People need to know that "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
" What about this one? Yeah, I guess we could scrap that.
Wait! No! People need to remember that "Pain is just weakness leaving the body.
" We got to find a way to help you get rid of some stuff.
She's right, Roger.
Whoa, my God! Listen to this.
Says here that billionaire Fung Wah has increased his already vast fortune.
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Happy anniversary! It was you.
You put me in here! Okay, okay.
You got me.
But it's not a problem.
No.
Because it was all for a bigger cause -- to plan the perfect anniversary.
The perfect -- For love -- I did it for love.
Why does any man go to great lengths? For the love of his woman.
Love? Three days in a loony bin? And a bucket of chicken.
Ihate you.
Ah, that's nice -- the calm before the resolution.
Hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute! She's been discharged.
Hospital says she's free to go.
I'm Dr.
Miller.
I am this hospital, and this woman is staying here until I say she is ready to leave.
Wait! Francine! Oh, my God.
I totally ruined this birthday? Uh, excuse me.
I'm Stan Smith, here to see my wife.
Ah, we meet again.
Dr.
Miller.
Stan Smith.
We meet again.
Okay.
Your wife has been suffering from an increasingly frequent number of semi-psychotic episodes.
Mr.
Smith, in layman's terms, you seem to be Francine's trigger.
Ahh.
I'm not her trigger.
Thoughts of you, even mentions of your name send her into a literal state of hysteria.
It's in the best interest of her recovery that we keep you separated for a while.
You have my wife, and I demand that you release her now.
Try to understand.
It could be months before she's well enough to reengage with society.
I refuse to accept that.
The human mind heals itself at its own pace.
No! This is all my fault.
I have to come up with some way to break you out of the hospital.
Uh, whoopsie-doodles! I'm a nutso! Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl! Yeah, yeah, we get it.
You're crazy.
If you wanted to come in here, you could've just admitted yourself.
You didn't have to dry-hump our mailbox.
Yeah, you go out and get your mail and tell me if it's dry.
These are size 2s.
You're not getting into these again.
Come on.
Be real.
I'm keeping them for motivation.
Look! Now I cartoon character! Is that really you, billionaire Fung Wah? Yes, it's really me! I stop by just to tell you that the TV program "American Dad!" is now better than ever! Oh, yeah! Very, very cool.
I love cartoons! I have lots of fun learning entire system of animation.
Then, some congratulations are in order.
That's absolutely fantastic.
Thank you! So, you out there, always remember to watch "American Dad!" and tell all your friends.
Goodbye! So long! Goodbye! Bye! Take care! Wow.
Seriously? Great, great guy.
Just one of the best.
An important man.
Francine Smith? Where is she? Oh, Mrs.
Smith is downstairs at "Puddin' on the hits.
" It's a big talent show for the patients.
Everyone gets dressed up and has a ball.
Boy, he sure smelled good.
Probably wearing "Success by Fung Wah" brand cologne.
He seemed very determined.
No surprise, since "Success by Fung Wah" captures the spirit of the driven man.
The scent is an inspiring blend of fresh lavender and red currant brushed with hints of coriander.
As it evolves, the mix of ginger and fresh bamboo leaves emerges while a masculine combination of rich vetiver, tonka bean, cedarwood, and musk create a powerful presence day or night.
Oh, well.
Back to work.
All right.
Who's ready for "Puddin' on the hits"? Remember, if you eat your pudding, you don't have to take your mood stabilizers later.
'Cause they're in the pudding.
First off, miss Tina Turner! With six career top-10 hits and legs insured by Lloyd's of London, she's our very own private dancer.
And look at her eating her butterscotch pudding like a good girl.
And now, daddy-os and daddy-ettes, "Puddin' on the hits" wants to take you on a trip back to the 1950s as we welcome Bowzer! Bow-ba-ba, ba-bow-ba-bow-bow ringy-dingydingy- dingy-doo-doo Francine! There are orderlies everywhere keeping things in orderly.
Need to create some kind of distraction so Francine can make her escape.
Bingo.
Sorry, pal, but I need that outfit more than you.
Yeah, I don't think those clothes are gonna fit me.
You look more my size.
Next up, it's the Blues Brothers.
Damn.
No time to change.
Come on.
It's showtime.
Roger, what about this pink skirt? It has sentimental value.
I lost my virginity in that pink skirt.
What about these jeans? I took pink skirt's virginity in those jeans.
And hello! Mr.
Fung! You're back! Gather 'round for big, big announcement.
Everybody, I have decided to set out on a grand adventure of my own.
That's amazing.
Congratulations again.
Justwow.
Guess what! You coming with me, too! Aw, we can't right now.
We're clearing out Roger's clothes 'cause his closet's too small.
Why don't you use this closet? Nothing in here but umbrella! Problem solved.
Yay! Can I just, uh, stop everyone for a second and point out the elegance of Fung Wah's solution? So, we can go on your adventure.
What did you have in mind? Who know what kind of thrill and chill? Stay tuned to find out.
All right, Jake.
Let's do this.
You're here? Sounds like Ringo needs some pudding.
I'd like to thank everyone for coming out.
Hope you're all ready to boogie tonight.
Hope one of you in particular is ready to boogie, like, now.
This is dedicated to the late, great magic Sam.
Come on oh, baby, don't you wanna go? Psst! Francine, while I'm distracting them, you head for the exit.
Hidehey Exit.
Baby, don't you wanna go? What are you waiting for? Make for the exit, Francine.
Back to that same old place Come on, Francine.
Let's go.
Oh, sweet home Chicago Exit.
Oh, my God.
What did they do to you? Sta-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-n.
This is Stan? You can't be here.
Going to plan "B," honey.
Stop! Stop them! Wah! Here's the exit.
If we can make it there, we're home free.
You're doing great, baby.
Tranq guns! Look out! Good job, honey.
We are some kind of team.
Well, looks like they've decided to put us in a private room.
Let the anniversary begin.
I'm not kissing you, you jerk.
This was supposed to be our anniversary, and we're spending it in a Is -- is this an operating room? Yeah, and I am trying to operate.
Stan, I think they're gonna do something to us.
Oh, God! No! Wait.
What do you think? Doctor, we shouldn't even be in here.
Let us go! We're thirsty, too.
We want orange juice now.
My apologies, but a hospital can't allow their violent patients to run about freely.
And w-what does that mean? A better life through lobotomies.
Oh, God! Was that the lobotomy? Nope.
Just a little spot of ink to show me where to stick this drill.
You can't really be doing this.
Francine! Francine, I'm so sorry! Don't bother apologizing.
After this, neither of you will remember what she was mad about.
Stan! Come on, Stan.
You always think of something.
Get us out of this.
Easy, bud.
Your troubles are over.
Really? 'Cause, to me, they seem to be starting.
Why don't you turn off the drill, and we'll talk about point of view.
You see, every villain is the hero of his own -- apple, cinnamon, monkey, toaster.
Whoa! No hands.
Time is ripe for great adventure.
Wherever you lead, Mr.
Fung, we will follow.
Even if it takes us to the very end of earth itself.
You know, I'm pretty good at doing voices.
Check it out.
I'm the girl.
Listen.
Now I a dog, I think.
Mr.
Fung, you have Mr.
Lee on line two.
No! I am very busy now! You say I call him other time! Quick! Down there! Millions of dollars in jewels! I told you! Fung Wah always make big, beaucoup bucks.
You! Take to my vault.
Anyhow, that's our show! "American Dad!" -- Famous cartoon.
Keep watching and tell your friends.
I love all my viewers.
Bye! Oh, I forgot to mention what happened to Stan and Francine.
So, then, everything just work out.
Stan and Francine leave insane asylum and fix all their problems at Fung Wah resort in Bali! What a paradise! Damaged brains make a full recovery in the 1.
6-kilometer lazy river.
Marriage got stronger, too -- best it ever been.
Could be because Francine and Stan hit the links at one of five incredible golf courses, including professional, world-famous naga pantai Uh-oh! Then vacation ends.
But, no, because I also own clothing line.
Stan looks so dapper in Fung Wah signature collection Navy pinstripe vested suit! Also, buy my premium Swiss-style Fung Wah chocolate, made with real fresh butter and the finest roasted almonds.
You not want to miss crystal stemware! Superior craftsmanship bring out stunning brilliance and the clarity of crystal.
So, did you like episode? If you do or not do, I not really care anymore, okay? So why? Because I sell show.
I flip "American Dad!" for a profit.
Another billionaire buy it.
He is here.
Li Quan, come out.
He is shy, but love good fart joke.
Li Quan take "American Dad!" show from U.
S.
And move it here to China.
Now, you talk.
You must say something.
Okay.
Uh, TV show now called "American Chinese Dad!" Uh, program is 1,000% better.
He go and improve it.
Okay, then, watch now.
You watch now.
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