American Dad s12e04 Episode Script

N.S.A. (No Snoops Allowed)

1 What do people think of when they think of Germany? Uh The Holocau-- Hazelnut omelets! Exactly! And the next batch is almost Oh, god.
The Roomba heard that.
Nobody move! And none of us remember buying that? So there's a new web program called Facebook.
It's the most efficient way to wish people happy birthday.
What? Why are you snickering? Dad, Facebook's, like, the oldest web site in the world.
Francine, you missed a couple hazelnuts.
Some went under the fridge.
I know some went under the fridge, Klaus.
That's why I'm sweeping under the fridge.
I'd like to join Facebook, but my work computer won't let me.
I hit the "enter" key as hard as I could, but even that didn't work.
Can you have a look at my "enter" key? Dad, your keyboard's fine.
I mean, you broke your "enter" key, but that's not the problem.
There's probably a firewall.
Just download Ultrasurf, unzip the software, put the executable on a flash drive -- Wait, let's back up a bit.
Where does my computer go when I'm asleep? Okay, not to be a nag, but I think if you just sweep with less of a wide motion and more of a -- You know what, Klaus? If you want your precious hazelnuts, you sweep 'em up.
Ew, we all heard that.
Dad, why don't you just bring me to work with you? I'll set your computer up.
You hanging around all my badass colleagues.
I don't know.
Dad, I won't embarrass you.
You know what? Maybe it'll be good for you.
Yes! You'll wear pants.
I have the perfect pair of khakis from Petite Sophisticate.
Of course you do.
Awesome! I get to miss the rope climb in gym class.
Not only are my arms too weak to pull myself up, but I don't like the feeling the rope makes as it rubs against my genitals until I do like it.
Steve, wait! You haven't tried -- Okay, Klaus, I will try one of your hazel whatevers.
Mmm! This is really good.
What's in it? Hazelnut, butter, eggs, veal, milk.
I use whole milk.
Some people -- Wait.
Veal?! There's meat in this? For thickening.
You know what they say -- you can't make hazelnussomeletten without kinderkuhfleische.
Klaus! I haven't meat in over a year! How do you like yours, Roger? Ah, it's great, it's great.
Good morning, U.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race oh, boy, it's swell to say Good -- good morning, U.
Wow, this is cool.
Dad, you think I could be in the C.
someday? I don't know, son.
The C.
is all about guys who can do stuff like this.
Whoa, that was awesome! Jim is an old friend.
It's Carl.
You see what those jackoffs did? They've blocked my view! It's a strong word, but it's appropriate.
Those jackoffs! Who? Who are the jackoffs? Our number one rival -- the National Security Agency.
Spy on this, nerds! Aren't you guys on the same team? Steve, let me show you an informative film.
The C.
began as the office of strategic services.
Recognize the voice? founded by "Wild Bill" Donovan whose courage and overall badass-ery helped win World War II.
Have you figured it out? It's a famous actor.
"Sling Blade"? He was everything a C.
agent should be -- a brave, big-chinned tough guy.
Oh, it's Billy Bob Thornton.
Yeah! Couple of the guys got to meet him.
They said he was pretty cool.
And though we've had our failures we've won our nation's trust, and we kept that bastard Fidel Castro from getting his hands on America.
Then someone decided the American taxpayers should foot the bill for more government, and the National Security Agency was born.
They secretly monitor all kinds of communication, including the phone calls of American citizens.
We fight over how much of the federal budget we should each get.
Last year, those jackoffs cost us a ping pong table.
Now our game room only has four games.
When I grow up, I wanna work here with you, dad.
Not if you're sleeping on the double bank.
All right.
1 to 9.
Sorry, toilet.
I know you've been a vegetarian as long as I have.
Oh, enough.
Be honest.
It was delicious coming up, wasn't it, Hayley? What? No! I -- I'm a committed vegetarian.
Wasn't it, Hayley? Fine, fine! It was delicious! Listen, it's great that you're a vegetarian.
But you know that movie "The Purge"? Is that the movie where those girls go shopping? No, Hayley, you're thinking of "The Splurge," my unproduced screenplay, and I told you not to speak of it because people steal great ideas.
What you need is a vegetarian purge -- one day a year when you go crazy on meat.
That violates all the principles -- Think it over.
I'll be in your bath.
I'm not actually gonna clean myself.
I just like to sit on the drain while it empties.
Now you share something crazy about you.
Okay, I culled your bloatware, disabled running services.
Did you know you were still using Netscape navigator? I use these! Time for lunch, Smith.
Ah, your son.
Put her there, young man.
Bullock, can I come to lunch with you guys? Hmm, with that limp handshake? Strength's not my speciality, but -- Yes, I'm not sure you should come with us to Applebee's.
We have a reputation to uphold with our waitress, Trish.
She's a single mother with sass to spare! Coming, Smith? Or do you have plans with Edward Sissyhands here? Steve will be good here.
You still have work to do.
Sorry about my goofball son, sir.
His handshake grosses me out, too.
Not exactly C.
You convinced me.
About what? Baths make me forgetful.
That I might as well eat meat today.
I still love it, and I really miss it.
For the next 24 hours, Hayley Smith is a carnivore.
I want to eat a cheeseburger.
Ow! Too hard.
Stupid dad.
Not C.
material? So what if I can't shake a hand right? Let's see what happens when I refuse to update your adobe.
No, no, that's too much.
Every Adobe update is critical and should be installed immediately.
But stupid dad! Who's watching me? Who are you? A guy who knows that Amanda Duquette digs you.
And no shame in that.
She's a solid six.
Sixes and fives -- that's where the bargains are.
How do you know about Amanda? Oh, sorry.
I'm Nat.
I work for the National Security Agency.
We saw what you were doing with your dad's computer, and we think you, Steve Smith, are N.
Really? Hey, do you ever listen to my conversations with snot? We're the N.
We got better things to do than listen to two confused kids flirt with each other.
What a relief.
Your dad ditched you to go to Applebee's with his friends.
How'd you know that? We're the N.
We know who goes to Applebee's.
See, we don't learn stuff the dumb, old-fashioned C.
We use our heads here.
Come on.
Let me show you a movie.
I'm watching a lot of movies today.
World War II wasn't won by jocks.
It was won by nerds.
We built the first computers and broke the Japanese and German codes.
Now this one I got.
That's George Takei.
A single N.
computer does more than a hundred C.
We monitor the world's communications.
If you're talking, the N.
is listening.
That's what keeps America safe.
That was George Takei.
Yeah, I said that already.
Sorry, I can't hear anything when I'm munching my corns.
Mmm! Oh! Shh! Oh, I'm so disgusted with myself, but I can't stop eating this.
What did I say? You would love it.
And what happened? You love it! Oh, we're not stopping here, Roger.
If I'm having a meat day, I'm going all the way.
I want to get weird.
You mean Roger, take me to Koreatown.
Take you? I mean, can we just go to Koreatown? What's gonna happen? I'm gonna be driving, and you're gonna sit in the back? I'm glad your son didn't ruin our lunch.
It would've revolted me to see his limp wrist holding up a chicken tender.
And Trish! What would Trish think? Arm strength isn't his thing.
Steve will find his thing, I don't know, working on a computer someplace, like Doop be doop be doop Nerds are like that.
Doop be doop be doop That's not how I talk! I don't say Doop be doop be doop you guys are watching them all the time? Yeah, the more dirt we get on them, the more of their budget we can take.
We've been trying to get on to your dad's computer, but we can't figure out where he keeps his files.
Doop be doop be doop How is he still doing it? And how is he still getting laughs?! There you are.
Hey, sorry about lunch, buddy.
But thanks for setting up Facebook.
Facebookon! Notify my friends of my many accomplishments on! I need to take your disks, okay? To get them digitally cleaned.
Should I get the whole computer cleaned? Would that make it happier? No.
It doesn't feel anything.
Sometimes I wish I was a computer.
You sound a little ominous, Steve.
Is everything okay? Yes, everything's fine.
Cool! Eat it, Hayley.
Eat it! Oh, my god.
I could feel him fighting all the way down my throat.
He did not wanna die.
Hayley, what's your wildest fantasy? I've been kidnapped by three African guys, and while the whole village watches, their most powerful warrior demands that I disrobe.
Whoa, okay, fascinating.
Will return to.
But I meant your wildest food fantasy.
I, uh I don't know if I should say.
Oh, this is gonna be good! I've always wanted to eat a gorilla -- a gorilla that can speak sign language.
I wanna eat its brain.
Oh, that is truly horrifying.
Oh, I'm disgusted! You should be disgusted.
But I do know a guy.
I can't believe this.
The C.
would be stupid to store their data this way.
They are stupids! Oh, with what's on here, we could take them down! There won't even be a C.
Wait, that seems a tad strong.
You don't get a vote.
I thought I was N.
Not anymore.
You're what we call a "discarded asset.
" Later, traitor.
Sorry, gotta swipe you out of this door, too.
That'll get you as far as the cafeteria.
Someone there will have to swipe you to the garage.
Then you can just walk up the ramp.
Technically, you have to swipe at the top, but it's just one of those arm gates, so you can just duck under it.
Uh, bye! Oh The C.
What happened to the C.
? Hush, papa.
The C.
is gone.
It's been gone for a long time.
Who betrayed me? Someone betrayed me.
Well, I did it.
I provided food for the family.
It's Klaus.
But But We can't afford tartar sauce! Well, I guess I'd better go to my job as a stripper.
What's happened? With your C.
gone, it was easy for Cuba to invade United States.
All hail Fidel! What a horrible nightmare.
And why did I include that extra part where I actually saw mom stripping? One problem at a time.
Dad, wake up.
I did something terrible.
I was snooping on you, and I heard what you said about me.
And I got so mad I betrayed you to the N.
? I gave them all your floppy disks, and they're gonna use them to put the C.
out of business! I feel so awful.
How can I make this up to you? I'm afraid that's impossible, son.
Wha No! Papa, please! Remember when you and I built that fort out in the woods? I'd suggest you go live in that fort, Steve.
No traitors can live under my roof.
Can -- can I say goodbye to mom? That's her waving goodbye, Steve.
I'm on my own maybe forever.
I should probably wait to eat my snacks.
I'll just put 'em where I can see 'em.
So y'all wanna eat a signing gorilla? We got one.
Mittens! You got the money? All right.
You folks think about wine pairings.
Are we okay with this? After today, I am never eating meat again.
But I'm going out on top.
No, I mean, are we okay with wine? I've always heard beer with gorilla brain.
Why did I betray my dad? And why did I eat all my snacks? You'll always have snacks as long as I'm around.
Dad! Steve, I was hurt you betrayed me.
But now I can see where it came from.
I was just so mad.
You told your friends I wasn't C.
material! And then I turned out not to be! Whoa, buck up, son.
I'm sorry I said that.
And I was wrong, anyway.
I mean, you figured out my plan.
You're right.
I Your plan? You knew I'd never kick you out of the house.
I just needed to get you somewhere where I knew the N.
couldn't snoop on us.
Your plan.
That's why I could afford to eat all my snacks right away.
I didn't have to play the long game.
Now, where do you think my disks are? Forget the disks.
They've uploaded the data.
They won't be clouded yet, not secure enough.
But it will be somewhere backed up on their server farm.
Okay, I don't know what any of that means.
The crucial thing is we get those disks back.
How are we gonna get in there? They have triple lock, fingerprint encryption systems.
Did you check the roof? Nerds never go up on the roof.
'Cause of the sun.
Come on, Steve! Follow me up! A rope climb? Dad, I can't do it! Sure, you can, Steve! I don't always say it, but I believe in you! I'm doing it! All by myself.
Here's where the rubbing starts to feel funny.
This'll be a bad time for a boner.
Don't think about the rope at school.
Aah! I did it! Go home? Job's not done, son.
Well, isn't this cute? Father and son.
Yeah, that's right.
This is my dad, Stan Smith of the C.
?! No, The-Theodore! Shoot them.
You ever even fire that thing, son? No.
I downloaded a PDF about gun use.
Shoot him! Aah! So loud! You're just a bunch of nerds.
What do bullies do to nerds? Steve? A purple nurple! Ah, ah, ah! Titty twister! Okay, now how 'bout one that's not on the nipple? Noogie! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Quit punching yourself! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Pig belly! Aah, aah, aah, aah, aah! Wedgie! No.
Atomic wedgie! Aah, aah, aah! Ow, ow, ow, ow! Ah, ah, ah! Aah! Ow, ow, ow.
You're what we call a discarded asshole.
Lousy machines.
Storing America’s private data.
Dad, dad! I know a better way.
They were all connected in a series.
Like Christmas lights, papa.
No! Error 404 -- N.
files not found.
Nat, are you gonna take that underwear off your head? It's the only thing that feels good right now.
Mmm, I think I just ate the memory of when it was taken away from its mom.
So no sides at all? Mmm, oh Oh, no.
Oh, this was a mistake.
You're damn right it was! Gus Derwitt, U.
Fish & Wildlife Service.
We got you on tape eating an endangered species.
That's a 10-year prison term.
Please, she accidentally ate veal this morning.
You can see how we got here.
We're so sorry! Please don't turn us in! Hmm, well, my hands aren't exactly clean either.
There was probably a way to do this without butchering a gorilla.
Tell you what, give me $10,000, I'll let you walk.
I have $60.
I have two stamps and a used ticket to Chicago’s Adler Planetarium.
Hand it over and get out of here before I change my mind.
There should be sides.
We got 60 bucks and whatever two forever stamps is worth these days.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
The old gorilla brain switcheroo doesn't play like it used to.
Maybe we need a new swindle.
You wanna grift with someone else? That's fine.
But you still gon' be my husband.
Tonight, you proved you are C.
We just did a mission together.
Put her there.
Hmm, nothing we can do about the sweat.
That's from your mom's side.
But you can tighten up the grip.
Alright, alright, still pretty weak, but getting there.
There it is, now there's a handshake.
Cute kid.
You leaving him as a tip? Cause last time you didn't leave a tip.

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