American Dad s12e05 Episode Script

1 What's up, Stan? Wanna go to the mall and accidentally bump kids into the fountain? Not a chance.
I got the day off and nothin' to worry about.
Gonna spend it relaxing right here.
Nothing to worry about? In this house? I give it five minutes before one of us ruins it for you.
The only question is, who will it be? Hey, dad! Oh, it's gonna be Steve! I made a new friend on the edge of town.
He won't tell me his name! No, that's an inappropriate friend! And then there's Hayley and Jeff.
Dad, I need a pregnancy test, and Jeff and I are too high to drive to the drug store.
Getting high helps me prolong our lovemaking.
How's your worry-free day goin', Stan? Look, we all know what the results of the pregnancy test is going to be.
Jeff smokes so much weed -- All: How much weed does he smoke? That -- that there's no way he could get a girl pregnant? I mean, it's it's not really a joke.
But -- but I could think of one! Oh, you lost them, Stan.
Look, if it's not this, your family will hit you with something else.
I mean, you haven't even heard what I'm up to this week.
I'm trying to get our house included on a list of potential World Cup sites.
Oh, no.
That -- that's, like, the biggest sporting event in the world.
Picture it -- in our backyard, 120,000 horny soccer hooligans, each of them hornier than the last.
I know it sounds crazy, but F.
I.
F.
A.
's narrowed it down to either soldier field or where our pool is now.
[Groans.]
[Machine beeps.]
Look, Stan, you can't even see the pack of lightbulbs I'm stealing.
We can afford those! [Machine beeps.]
That's what I'm trying to tell ya, Stan.
You can't relax around us.
Mr.
S.
, I got us dancing coke cans.
Did you get the pregnancy test? You're silly, Mr.
S.
I'm a boy.
I can't get pregnant! [Machine beeping rapidly.]
[Whispers.]
There's no escaping us.
Dad, can my friend have dinner with us? I won't be any bother.
I'll just eat from your boy's plate.
[Beeps rapidly, continuous tone sounds.]
Wait.
What?! What does this mean? It means you are going to die unless you lower your blood pressure.
Oh, god! How do I do that? There's only one way.
You have to reduce your stress or You'll perish.
[Laughing evilly.]
Oh, paper towels.
I should probably get a roll for the World Cup.
You know, for messes.
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race oh, boy, it's swell to say good -- Good morning, U.
S.
A.
All right, everyone, as the great Humpty once rapped, "stop what you're doin' 'cause I'm about to ruin" whatever it was that you were doing.
Computer, engage.
[Switch clicks, screens whirs.]
[Beep.]
Last night, the C.
I.
A.
mainframe was hit by a cyber terrorist.
They acquired a lot of valuable information.
And if you know anyone undercover in Bolivia, you don't anymore.
Now all evidence suggests this attack was carried out by cyber terrorist Max Zegarra.
And we know exactly where he's hiding.
So the boring stuff's done.
You need someone to do the fun part? Grab him and bag him? That's one way to go, but last night I was watching "Point Break" on TBS when I realized, what if this attack was pulled off by a pack of renegade surfers trying to fund an endless summer?! Sir, that's crazy! Jackson gets it! Now, all I need is someone to infiltrate the local surf community and bring the law breakers to justice.
Is surfing that sport that happens at the beach, the most relaxed place on earth, nowhere near your stressful family? Oh, ho! Look who knows everything about surfing! Smith, my friend, the assignment is yours.
Stan: Perfect.
Now I just have to blend in.
Out of the way, Haole! You're on my line.
[Chain saw whirring.]
Aah! Aah! [Grunts.]
What's up, Haole? This beach is for locals only.
What's your zip code, bitch? And don'tlie.
Hey, leave him alone! Back off.
The beach is for everyone.
Says who? The city bylaws.
Yeah? Well, I'm gonna go down to city hall and talk to the head of the records department.
And then we'll see about your little "theory.
" You're lucky, Haole.
This isn't over.
Whoa! Thanks! Yeah, no problem, man.
Don't worry about those guys.
They just don't like outsiders.
How could they tell I'm not local? Well, trying to surf a rowboat's a pretty big red flag.
You don't really have a beach vibe.
A beach vibe.
It's so simple.
Do I have it now? All right, tell you what -- come back tomorrow, and I'll show you.
By the way, I'm Kai.
I was named after one of the Hawaiian islands.
Which one? Maui.
The best one.
Nice! Not sure how you get "Kai" out of that, but nice.
[Italian accent.]
Buon giorno.
I am from F.
I.
F.
A.
's World Cup site selection committee.
Ugh.
Roger! But I must make a mistake.
This is no stadium.
This is a house.
Actually, it's more of a home Home of the future World Cup.
[Chuckles.]
Clever.
But being clever is only 60% of the selection process.
Let's talk security infrastructure.
Oh, yes, of course.
Business before pleasure.
But before that, pleasure.
Ants on a log? The ant.
[Crunches.]
The ant is amazing.
Oh, thank god.
But I have not tried the log.
[Gasps.]
[Crunches.]
All right, that's it.
I'm out.
The log she is incredible.
I'm telling you, a-a Ferrari is faster than a cop car.
Steve, a cop car can catch a Ferrari.
Trust me.
Dad, can you believe this guy? Ugh.
This is still happening? I-I gotta -- I-I gotta go to the beach.
[The Hollywood Tornadoes' "Bustin' Surfboards" playing.]
You know why I love surfing, Stan? It's all about learning to let go.
You know, I fathered six kids in three different countries, and I just let 'em all go.
I can't let go.
I have to be responsible for my family.
If I let go, all hell would break loose.
Stan, make me a promise.
The right wave is gonna come, dude.
And when it does, you're gonna let go of your worries.
Just go with the flow.
Whenever.
This one! P-paddle! Paddle, Stan! Now, now, now! Stan, hamburger buns were on sale, so I stole 600.
When I have a baby, I'm gonna name it, "Recycling.
" Dad, me and my mysterious friend are blood brothers now! Stan, FIFA says the downstairs bathroom's gonna need 70 urinals.
It'll work if we move the hamper.
Kai: Remember, Stan! Let go! I'm doing it! Ahh.
Looks like you're startin' to get it.
I feel sorelaxed.
Whoa, is that a soul patch? Huh.
It must've grown in during my ride.
Stan, it looks really good.
I didn't know we got a hammock.
When did we get a hammock? Oh, sorry.
Didn't see you on the phone.
All good, Klaus.
I'm just listening to the surf report.
4-foot swells and glassy as hell.
Sounds like glassy is where it's at, bro.
Tap it.
Ooh, I like surfer Stan.
He's the chillest.
Dad, my new friend needs to stop by his ex-wife's house to pick up some stuff, and he asked me to be lookout.
Can we take your car? He's not allowed to drive 'cause the state's a bunch of assholes.
Yeah, do your thing.
That worked? Go, Steve, don't question it.
Just go.
Oh, hey, Stan, good news.
We've been approved for a liquor license for the World Cup.
We can sell beer, wine, and soju.
We can make soju cocktails.
They taste like normal cocktails except they suck and they taste like nail polish.
Sounds dank, bro.
Relax, Stan.
Wait.
What's wrong with you? I got a quarter million-person liquor license for the stadium I'm building in your backyard.
There are gonna be Costa Ricans on your property.
That doesn't worry you? Guess you didn't get the memo.
I'm a surfer now, and I don't have worries.
Sorry, I had your copy of the memo.
[Chuckles.]
I thought I might see you back out here.
Looks like you got the bug.
Is that why my stool is crazy loose? No, Stan.
I think it's that starfish we all saw you eat.
I'm talking about the surf bug, bro, where all you think about is surfin'.
Is that all you think about? Surfin' waves? Truth is, there's only one wave I think about surfing anymore.
You know how waves, like, go from the ocean to the shore? Okay! Well, legend has it, every decade, there's a freak weather system over the Atlantic that reverses the jet stream, and on one beach in Florida, you can catch a wave that starts on the beach and ride it all the way to the center of the Atlantic.
Stranded in the middle of the Atlantic? Your worries will never find you there.
Anyway, how about right now, we ride this wave together? Sounds good.
After you.
No, Stan.
Together.
Got it.
Me first.
[Surf rock music playing.]
Whoo-hoo! [Cheering.]
Stan, meet the crew -- Gorney, Sam, and Taylor.
That was amazing! Dude, you're a natural! Kai, big news, man.
There's a typhoon in the Atlantic that's reversing the jet stream.
This is it, Stan! The wave that goes out! Are you kidding me? We were just talking about that.
We're going to Florida, and you're coming with us.
[Cell phone rings.]
[Beep.]
Mahalo, Deputy D.
Stow that surf shit, Smith! We caught the hacker, so I'm bringing you in.
You're back at your desk tomorrow.
Stan: What?! Turns out "Point Break" wasn't the clue.
It was just the movie that was on when I was super high.
But now that I'm medium high, I realize it was ridiculous to suspect those surfers at all.
Okay, they may not be hackers [Laughter.]
but I have a hunch they're up to something.
It -- it's way too soon to take me off the case.
A hunch isn't good enough.
I need evidence! No worries, brah.
[Beeps.]
[Gunshot.]
[Customers scream.]
My name is Kai.
This is Gorney, Taylor, and Sam.
We are surfers, and this is a bank robbery.
[High-pitched voice.]
You tell 'em, Kai! [Low-pitched voice.]
We're doing this to fund our surf adventures.
[Thud.]
[Wood creaks.]
[Wood rattling.]
[Normal voice.]
And we laugh at the C.
I.
A.
! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha -- And they're laughing at us.
That's what really gets me.
Are we sure they're not laughing with us? This is why I need to stay on the beach.
It might take a lifetime of undercover work to bring them all to justice.
They just robbed a bank on video! We've got all we need.
Bring them in.
But th-this case goes deeper.
This is just the tip.
The tip is my favorite part, Smith.
The tip's all I need.
Any more than that, and it's too much! Well, I-I-I wanna bring them in as much as anyone.
But can it be after I surf a little bit more? We're gonna go to Florida and surf the wave that goes out! It's called Firestone Beach, but the locals call it Shady Cove.
And I wanna go there and surf with them! They're my best friends! Best friends? One -- that hurts my feelings.
Two -- the fact that they are your best friends makes me hate them even more! Bring them in immediately! But, sir -- Just go! [Voice breaks.]
I don't want you to see me cry.
Drive, drive, drive! [Tires peal.]
[Gasps.]
Those low-key surfers have kidnapped my best friend.
But where? Where are they taking him?! He said something about a beach.
What was it? Damn it, Avery.
He's your best friend! You should've been listening! This is why he's looking for other best friends! [Surf rock music playing.]
Yes! The music's a clue.
Follow it.
Hanging with you guys is the best.
And this horchata stuff is on point.
I gotta tell you, Kai, there is literally nothing that can ruin this for me.
[Buzzing.]
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
[Buzzing.]
Look at that, I didn't worry, and the bee flew away right across the street and onto Dick's jacket.
[Screaming.]
[Gunshots.]
[Gasps.]
Dick! The C.
I.
A.
! Everyone in the van! We can't just get in the van.
We gotta finish chillin' first.
Well, chill as fast as you can! [Slurping loudly.]
[Gunshots continue.]
[Dick screaming.]
[Gunshots and screaming continue.]
[Slurping and screaming stop.]
All right, good chill.
[Gunshots continue.]
[Cell phone rings and vibrates.]
[Beep.]
[Beep.]
Hey, Stan, you need to get home.
I went with an iffy scaffolding company, and there is, uh there's a lot of dead migrant workers here.
Their families are asking a lot of questions.
I could really use somebody on damage control.
Soget here.
[Beep.]
He could be anywhere.
Oh, god.
What did I do?! Stan, you're hiding it really well, bro, but I know you, and you seem stressed.
I have something to tell you, and you're not gonna like it.
I work for the C.
I.
A.
, and I was sent undercover to investigate you guys.
But why? We're not bad guys.
I know.
You're awesome guys.
So awesome, I decided to frame you so I could stay undercover.
I robbed a bank and made the C.
I.
A.
think you did it.
It's cool.
You're not mad? What? Because you made us enemies of the state? We can't get hung up on every little thing.
The thing is, if we go to the wave that goes out, they'll probably find us.
And if they do, they'll shoot first and ask questions later.
I get it, dude.
Hey, guys! Put out the bonfire.
Stan's in the C.
I.
A.
and framed us for a crime.
His boss will kill us if he, like, finds us, which means we're not going to surf the wave that goes out.
Cool.
Sounds good.
Righteous.
[Hisses.]
I'm sorry you guys aren't gonna be able to surf that wave.
Do you guys think the stars have waves? I bet they do, man.
I bet there's even aliens that surf those star waves.
They probably even have a space surfer magazine.
You know there's so many sick photos of aliens riding waves in that magazine.
Wow, nothing really fazes you guys, huh? [Insects chirping.]
Do you have any secrets? I got one secret.
How about I tell you a secret, then you tell me yours? I can't tell ya my secret.
If I tell ya, you won't like me anymore.
Impossible.
You could tell me anything.
We'll be friends to the end.
Yeah.
Friends to the very end.
Man, this is the best.
Hey, what do you -- what do you see over there? [Surf rolling.]
Kai: Dear Stan [Santo & Johnny's "Sleep Walk" playing.]
I know I said I was okay not surfing the wave that goes out, but then I woke up to pee and decided I wanted to.
Hope you're not worried.
We're not.
Love always, Kai.
P.
S [Song stops.]
[Song resumes.]
I wrote that postscript pretty close to the water.
So if it got washed away by a wave, don't worry because [Song stops.]
no worries.
I'm sorry, Kai, but there are worries.
There are lots of worries.
For instance, I'm standing on a jellyfish, and the jellyfish has attracted wolves [Growling.]
and the wolves are being hunted by poachers.
You've seen too much.
[Gun cocks.]
[Lively '60s pop music playing.]
Thanks for getting me out of that scrape back there, herbie.
Although I still think you could've let those poachers live.
[Ahooga horn blows.]
Well, we all have to come to our own moral conclusions in life.
I hope you make it back to your race in time.
[Tires peal.]
I don't get it, Kai.
The waves are all going the normal direction.
Relax, man.
The wave that goes out comes when you least expect it every 10 years On the dot.
[Brakes screech.]
Oh, no! All right, everyone have their sunblock? Good.
Safety first.
Now let's find out if I'm pointing this rocket launcher the right way.
32 Wait! No! Oh, great, Smith.
Now I have to start counting all over.
Stan, what are you doing here? We told you not to worry.
The thing is, I'm a worrier.
I was worrying about my family, and that stressed me out, so I tried to get away from them.
But I just started worrying about you guys.
Turns out if I love someone, I worry about them.
And if someone's gonna stress me out, I'd rather it be my family than you guys.
Did Stan just say he loves us? He did, Gorney.
He did.
I robbed the bank.
It was me.
I did it because I wanted to keep hanging out with my friends.
They're not your friends! Friends wouldn't let you rob a bank all by yourself.
I'd be shoulder to shoulder with you, Smith, blasting away! Justlikethis! Get out of here! Fire! [Gunshots.]
Kai, what should we do?! Whatever you do, don't worry! [Grunts.]
Uhh! Hang dead.
[Rocket whooshes.]
It's real, Stan! The wave that goes out is real! I'll never forget you! Damn! Looks like they got away.
But a wave can only go out so far before it's a wave coming back in somewhere else.
And I've got a hot tip on where that might be.
[Surf rock music playing.]
Where? Dad, great news.
My nameless friend just finished making wine in the upstairs toilet.
Now we're gonna bottle it.
Wanna watch? Hey, Mr.
S.
[Sighs.]
It's been a pretty stressful few days for Hayley and I.
Unfortunately, the pregnancy test came back negative.
But it got us talking, and we've decided that we're ready to have kids.
All we're asking for is your emotional and financial support.
[Hammering.]
Stan, we lost the World Cup bid.
But don't worry.
Don't worry.
If we act fast, I think we can get the Boston Marathon.
[Hammering.]
Stop hammering! They'll have to find somewhere else for people to run the Boston Marathon! And you two! You're not even close to ready to have kids! And, Steve, you numb nuts, this man is a drifter! He needs to go! But he doesn't have anywhere to go! He has everywhere! Steve, don't argue with your dad.
He just saved your life.
Boop! That was my secret.
[Chuckles.]
Best get driftin'.
Honey, what's all the yelling? You're supposed to be avoiding stress.
I don't have to.
I went back to the drug store, and that old crone runs the photo department.
So I went to a real doctor, and he gave me pills, and I took all of them because I love you idiots and that causes me a lot [Speech slurs.]
It's okay.
He's breathing.
Let's draw a dick on his face.
Of course I know what one looks like, but, Hayley, why don't you draw it? Hi, I'm big wave rider Laird Hamilton.
We made some jokes tonight about people abusing prescription drugs.
I just wanted to point that out.
It was pretty funny.