American Dad s12e07 Episode Script

The Devil Wears a Lapel Pin

1 [ Snoring .]
[ Tires squeal .]
You don't have to do this.
I'll tell you anything you want.
You look great in that dress.
You don't look fat at all.
You made your point, Francine! [ Laughter .]
I hope you enjoyed your kidnapping.
That was just my fun way to give you some exciting news.
You've been elected to be in charge of this year's C.
calendar! Really? I can't believe it.
And to be clear, I pissed myself out of happiness just now, not during the kidnapping thing earlier that -- that wasn't scary.
As you know, our calendar is the C.
's number-one fundraiser.
Selling calendars pays for everything around here, including printing the calendars.
It's an enormous expense.
Now be a dear and help me with this.
These are the steroids officially endorsed by MTV's "Real World Road Rules Challenge.
" As per usual, I will be absolutely ripped for my July spread.
[ Sloop! .]
[ Screams .]
This is the photo proof book.
You'll store all your photos and negatives in here.
Guard this with your life.
And also, it likes to wear this tiny, little jacket on Sundays.
- It does? - Well,I like it to.
Just give this your all, Stan.
You don't want to mess up the calendar, or you'll never live it down.
What? My calendar wasn't that bad.
It was just 12 pictures of some lady taken through her blinds.
She had those big boobs! Good morning, U.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the american race oh, boy, it's swell to say good -- Good morning, U.
I just felt so aimless.
I was in a rut, Francine.
You get that.
I do.
You know, once, I was in -- I was telling a story! Can I finish one story one time?! Thank you! After a ton of soul searching, I found my new passion -- getting my degree in Criminology.
I'm so happy you're going to college.
Can I go to school today? You know, if you tried harder in high school, maybe you could go to college like Roger.
I'm missing my psats right now! Steve, you need to get serious about school.
Me, I worked my ass off for this.
Good for you, Roger.
The name is Jeremy Neiderhoff, college freshman.
Bro: Neiderhoff! It's really great when you find something you're passionate about.
I'm happy for you, but I'm also a little jealous.
You know, I never went to college.
And look at you now -- driving someone else to college.
[ Whistles .]
[ Stately music playing .]
[ Music stops, crow caws .]
[ Music continues .]
[ Music stops .]
[ Music continues .]
[ Music stops .]
[ Music continues .]
I got a Discovery card! Whoo! Look at all these cool things you can buy with your Discovery card points! Wow, look at this jacket! Francine, I quit college to focus on my new passion -- getting this jacket.
Roger, it's really great when you find something you're passionate about.
I'm happy for you.
But I'm also a little jealous.
I never owned a -- You never owned a satin credit-card jacket.
I know.
Have I told you that story before? Uh, yeah.
Beep, beep.
Let's go.
Sir, thank you for getting me an assistant.
Don't thank me.
Have your assistant do it.
Asher! I wanted the water room-temperature but not this room.
I meant a slightly colder room.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I-i'll get an ice cube.
That's your generation, isn't it? An ice cube will fix everything.
Well, not this time.
You're fired.
But before you go, bring me an ice cube.
That does sound nice.
Sir, I'd like you to meet the newest member of the C.
, which makes him eligible for the C.
's calendar -- Agent Tyrese Gibson.
Thank you for this opportunity.
Now, I've been reviewing some files, and I think I have a lead on a terrorist attack on U.
Your eyes -- they are mesmerizing.
Can I put a shirt on? I don't think you understand why we brought you here.
This is Dustin, my new assistant.
He's a flincher.
- [ Grunts .]
- Two for flinching.
- [ Sneezes .]
- Germs! How dare you not dive in front of the proof book to protect it.
It's like you don't believe in this, or me.
You've got bad energy, Dustin.
All day, you've been silently judging me.
You're fired.
You think your dad would hire me? 'Cause I don't have a lot going on since I lost my frisbee in that scary bush.
It'd be hell to work for my dad.
He has never once said I did a good job.
When I was a kid, my dad would always take me to the same beach.
So for father's day, I drew him a picture of our beach.
My bedtime story that night was a 45-minute critique of my drawing.
Well, if it were me, I would have drawn it on a single piece of paper.
I did.
He tore it up.
That's how critical he is.
And that day, I vowed that if he ever made anything, I'd ruin it.
And I forgot about that vow for a long time 'cause, you know, I had other stuff going on.
But now it's back with a vengeance.
Oh! So you're gonna try to ruin his calendar thing.
[ Mockingly .]
"Oh!" [ Normal voice .]
I'll become his assistant, and I'll help him make the calendar.
[ Chuckling .]
And then when he's feeling all good about it, I'll destroy it! Babe, you're scaring me more than the scary bush.
[ Ominous music plays .]
Bro: Neiderhoff! How was school today, Steve? You know I didn't go.
I watched you and mom drink two bottles of wine, and now we're here, and mom's sleeping in the car.
So, you want to go watch your mommy sleep or help me break in my Discovery card? I thought this was a stupid choice when you said it, but I get it now.
10 more minutes, then we go shopping? Ooh, I'm sorry.
We don't accept Discovery card.
We do take Visa, Mastercard, American Express, Diner's Club, Traveler's checks, even a gentleman's agreement to come back and pay tomorrow, but no Discovery card.
What?! Let's get out of here, Steve.
This place smells like farts, anyway -- or it's about to.
[ Grunts .]
Is there a store here that sells paper towels and underwear? Discovery card at a tumi store? You have to be kidding me.
This is tumi.
Tuuumiiiii! I guess Discovery card isn't as widely accepted as I thought.
Oh, you must be the Discovery card people I've been hearing about.
Right this way.
I think I know what you're looking for.
Steve, are you seeing this door? Please, sir, don't make this difficult.
I'm going.
I'm going.
Aah! I guess I'll never get that Discovery card jacket.
Man: Psst.
I know a place that takes Discovery card.
[ Gasps .]
Hayley, I don't know why you wanted this job, but I hope you're motivated enough to handle it.
Oh, I'm plenty motivated.
What was that? I thought I heard you say something pointedly, like you were plotting to take someone down, someone close to you, someone completely oblivious.
- Nope.
- Okey-dokey.
Oh, my god.
This is quite a production.
Don't pretend like you didn't know the C.
calendar is a huge deal.
I don't think anyone outside the C.
You mean the muggles? We're all set up to shoot "January" with Jackson.
What?! No! Every year, Bullock goes overboard with the steroids.
We do july first and then drop him off in the woods so he can work off his aggression in isolation.
[ Woman screams .]
Bullock love body! Muscle powder! [ Slurping .]
[ Grunting .]
All right, people, we're only gonna get one of these.
Bullock doesn't like the flash.
[ Grunts .]
[ Camera shutter clicks .]
Lightning box! Aah! Heads up.
I said heads up.
[ Camera shutter clicks .]
[ Screaming .]
[ Panting .]
Hayley, you saved my life.
And ruined the perfect shot.
Way to go.
Wha-- what are you doing? It's called a slow clap.
Notice the speed my hands are moving.
That's how sarcastic I'm being.
[ Camera shutter clicks .]
Come on, Hayley.
Throw him a good one.
- I'm hitting him in the chest.
- With the pointy part! Why don't we just photoshop a ball into his hands? Only amateurs use photoshop.
You don't know what photoshop is, do you? I don't have to know what something is to not like it.
You think I know what hummus is? [ Camera shutter clicks .]
Stan, listen.
I've been tracking the terrorists' cellphone chatter, and I think it's time to go undercover.
Sure, sure.
Release the bull! Beautiful.
Hayley, get this bull out of here.
Not so fast.
You're a clown.
Make us laugh.
Um Aah! [ Laughs .]
I di-- I didn't think she could do it.
Uh, we've already been to this mall.
No one takes Discovery card.
Oh, we're not going here.
For us Discovery card people, this is our mall.
Starting right now, this is our mall.
This mall has remained untouched since the '80s.
It's perfect.
How can we ever repay you? Actually, I host this singer-songwriter night - Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
- At the Coffee Cabana on And a little for Roge.
[ Sniffs .]
[ Slurring .]
Let's get shopping! A shower thermometer? This will eliminate all the guesswork.
Look at me, Steve.
I'm like a jockey who came four times! Whoa! I can't see it.
I can't se-- Ohh! It's a fucking classic car.
It's coming right out of the fucking poster! These are compliments of the gentlemen in the booth.
- The California raisins! - The California raisins! - We're cursed to live forever! - We're cursed to live forever! [ Sighs .]
The calendar is done.
Hard to believe that this proof book holds my entire vision inside.
This must be what it's like to hold a baby you love.
[ Snoring .]
What are you doing with my baby?! Um, I-I was just gonna lock it up in the safe.
Ah, good.
That's where babies go.
It's here! Steve, it's here! As good as it looks on the outside is how scratchy it feels on the inside.
You can tell the stitching is fishing line.
It's perfect.
My Discovery card bill.
[ Gasps .]
Rag, take me away.
[ Inhales deeply .]
Oh, shit, bro.
The A.
on this card is terrible.
What are you gonna do about this bill? You'll -- you'll never be able to pay it back.
I'm gonna ask for a moment of silence, because Jeremy Neiderhoff is dead.
[ Marker squeaks .]
[ Sighs .]
Now I got to call Mrs.
[ Laughs .]
Oh, there's someone on the other line, Claire.
It's probably Jeremy.
[ Cellphone beeps .]
Hello? Nooooo! Jeff, I got his book! Here.
Now I'm gonna go get my dad, and the moment we walk in the door, you set the book on fire.
The photo book.
What other -- [ Scoffs .]
Yes, the photo book.
I knew it.
I can't wait to see the look on his face when all his hard work goes up in smoke.
His hard work is in the book.
Dad, can you come upstairs for a sec-- Hayley, I wanted to discuss your performance this week.
And how disappointing I've been? I've been really impressed.
What? R-really? You worked your ass off.
Don't think I haven't noticed.
You've done a good -- no, a great -- no, a good job.
And I'm proud of you.
Did he -- did he just say? The greatest words that a girl could hear well, my dad just spat 'em right into my ear I've been waiting for years and years to hear my dad, he's proud of me Pose! I did a good -- no, great no, good job I did a good -- no, great no, good job I did a good -- no, great no, good job my dad and I have had rough patches that's why Jeff's upstairs with a book of matches Oh, shit! [ Music stops .]
Klaus: Don't worry.
I got this.
[ Music continues .]
My name is Klaus, and I -- I-I, uh, uh -- oh, dang.
Say something.
[ Music fading .]
I killed two teenagers! I killed two teenagers [ Music continues .]
I was hammered on bourbon as I took a turn then ditched the car as my passenger burned Oh, wait.
I killed three teenagers three teenagers I killed three teenagers Don't tell anyone.
Jeff, don't! Burn, baby, burn! Roast in the flames of revenge, Mr.
" Put out the book.
Put out the book! - What? - The water! I'm on it, babe.
What are you doing?! I'll pee out the fire.
You could have just used the -- Babe, you know this thing doesn't work when you talk.
The whole book is destroyed.
[ Liquid splashing .]
[ Moaning .]
For the first time in my life, my dad is proud of me, and I spoil everything in five minutes.
He can't find out this proof book is ruined.
I have to fix this.
Babe, I don't think this is fixable.
Maybe I can re-create the whole calendar.
I mean, I-if I take new photos of the agents, I can photoshop them into the old backgrounds.
Will you help me? [ Groans .]
[ Buzzes lips .]
[ Sighing .]
Is that a yes? Yeah.
[ Screaming .]
[ Camera shutter clicks .]
[ Woman screaming .]
[ Camera shutter clicks .]
[ Camera shutter clicks .]
[ Screaming .]
[ Horse whinnies .]
[ Screaming .]
Oh, god! Oh, god! [ Screaming .]
Beautiful! [ Camera shutter clicks .]
[ Screaming .]
This is gonna work! Bro: Neiderhoff! Goodbye, old friend.
You burned too brightly for this world.
[ Gulping .]
Mom, that's not funeral behavior.
[ Slurring .]
You're not funeral behavior! [ Engine sputtering .]
We've got company.
We're from Discovery card.
It's standard practice to inspect the body when there's a large outstanding balance.
He's ready now.
Ugh! God, the smell! He must have been dead for weeks.
Oh, I almost forgot.
This funeral was paid for on the card, which earned Mr.
Neiderhoff this Discovery card beach towel.
Roger: [ Muffled .]
Yay! Thank you.
He would have wanted to be buried with it.
I'll be the coolest guy at the beach.
Smith, enjoy your big night, because tomorrow we put away the calendar and start to focus on the C.
's big night of magic! That was supposed to be a smoke pellet.
[ Breathing heavily .]
Hayley, did you remember to bring my lapel pin? Don't worry.
I have it right here.
Wait, this is the wrong pin.
This is a big night.
I asked for my big-night pin.
My big-night pin is bigger.
It has star-shaped stars.
These are dot-shaped stars.
There were so many on top of the dresser.
Uh, may-- maybe I should have brought them all.
You think?! I can't believe I said you were doing a good job.
You ruined this night by making it all about bringing the wrong pin.
[ Crying .]
"S," Hayley didn't ruin this night for you.
She saved it.
Jeff, are you out of your mind? This night is a disaster! Dots.
Dots are too good for you.
[ Gasps .]
You take that back! I won't.
- [ Gasps .]
- You're a big jerk! For your information, I destroyed your proof book, and Hayley worked her butt off to re-create the whole calendar.
She did it because she knew how big of a deal this was for you.
All she wants is your approval, and all you ever do is cut her down.
I'm motivating her to be better.
Your daughter is already amazing, and it's sad you've never been able to see that.
- Jeff? - Oh, hey, Mr.
"S"! I need your help.
Dad, w-what are you doing here? I'm here to say I'm sorry.
Did Jeff tell you about the calendar? Yeah, but what I'm sorry about is this.
I should never have torn this up.
It's a beautiful picture.
For a kid.
Thanks, Dad.
But you're missing your big night.
Jeff's got it covered.
This is January.
He's a football man, and he goes really fast.
Next slide.
[ Chuckling.]
Oh! I wasn't here when she did this one, but it looks like a guy washing his truck.
Maybe it was dusty or - Next slide - No one's asking you to do this! Oh, this guy was really nice.
Wait, I think I was there for the last one.
- Previous slide? - Sit down, you Yutz!
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