American Dad s12e08 Episode Script

Stan-Dan Deliver

1 You really take it seriously selling chocolates for charity.
Well, the profits go directly to putting inner-city kids on the road to prosperity.
The old Hershey highway.
You can be my first customer.
Steve, maybe you don't realize, I, uh I don't have any money.
Your father kind of controls the money.
I carry a brick in my purse so I feel like I have something.
And I had to steal the brick.
Oh, God, I have nothing.
Welp, I got a long day of sales ahead of me.
(chuckles) Why don't you just, uh, let yourself out after you get a little nap-a-roo? Now to turn chocolates into change not coins.
We're not feeding any parking meters here.
No, we're change-ing people's lives.
(chuckles) My chocolates! Who ate my chocolates?! I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.
Roger, stop right there! We're losing valuable time.
When it comes to missing chocolate, the first 24 hours are the most important.
Roger, those were for charity! Steve, don't yell.
Chocolate gives me migraines.
By the way, looking good in that suit.
Yeah? Thanks, man.
Wait, wait, wait.
No! Why am I even arguing with you? You don't know anything about charity.
You don't have a good bone in your body.
Ha! I don't even have bones, you idiot.
All cartilage, baby.
I'm not talking about your actual skeleton, Roger.
Steve, why are we even talking about this? Let's just kiss.
- Cut it out.
- What the heck, Steve? You come down in your best little boy's suit and expect me not to get a raging cartilager? All you ever think about is yourself.
You've never lifted a finger to help a person in your life.
You are selfish.
Lifted a fi Self Ohh! I've been called a lot of things, Steve a loser, a knob, a turd burglar.
You know what a turd burglar is? It's somebody who steals turds.
But I am not what you just What did you call me? - Selfish.
- That's the one! (sobbing) I'm the one who called him a turd burglar, but it's true.
I saw him take one that wasn't his.
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Let me get this straight.
You don't have the money, and you don't have the chocolates.
That's, um That That That's right.
That That That's the the situation.
Oh, okay, then.
Everything's cool.
We'll just chalk it up as a misunderstanding.
If everything's cool, then Sit your ass down, Smith! You stole from a charity.
You know who the charity benefits? Me! Well, I thought it was for inner-city Where the hell do you think I live? Smith, you're a bad apple.
And one bad apple spoils the barrel.
Good news is we have a whole barrel of bad apples here.
Oh, God.
You're sending me to the at-risk class?! That'll look terrible on my college applications.
Oh, don't worry, Steve.
Murdered little boys don't go to college.
Francine, where's the newspaper? Oh, the paper hasn't come before noon since that old man started doing the route.
Oh, yeah, he's so old.
I mean, why's he doing a paper route? He's so old.
It's terrible that he still has to work at his age.
That's not gonna happen to us, will it, Stan? Nope, I've got our retirement all planned out.
401(k)s, Roth I.
R.
A.
s, even personalized canoes.
Why do we need canoes? To send our dead bodies down the river.
We're having Viking funerals.
I'm sure we've discussed this.
Canoes, oil-soaked rags, Klaus.
I'm gonna burn you all.
(flame hisses) Stan's ready.
I'm I'm almost ready.
It doesn't sound like you're ready, Mr.
"S.
" You didn't even mention you're retirement home.
They're all the same.
No, they're super-different.
I play bridge all over town, and the quality varies widely.
We should look into this Stan.
I don't want to end up at some home where I have to hide my brick.
Fine! We can look into it.
(bell chimes) Finally.
(wheezing) KLAUS: Burn in hell, Dilbert! This is This is weird.
I've never been up here before.
- Th-things are different.
- (siren wailing in distance) Yeah, this floor went to hell after the mill closed.
- (indistinct conversations) - and here's your new home.
Check me out right now.
(laughs) Society's given up on these kids.
The school's given up on these kids.
Their own children have given up on these kids.
They're looking.
They're looking at us.
Y-Y-Y-You think they can read lips? They can't read books! They're a bunch of dumbasses with no future.
(gasps) There's no glass.
Fresh meat! Ha-ha! Lewis gets away again! Hey, where are my shoes? Up there, fool.
Who put them up there? You've got a lot to learn about how it works in here, little man.
But if there's one thing we don't do in here, it's learn.
What? Don't you have a teacher? Teacher? We got a new teacher every week.
They come in here.
We threaten them.
Then we go to their houses and threaten their families.
Then they quit on us.
(crying) everybody quits on us.
Wow.
Seems like you guys need some real help.
Did someone say, "Lifting a finger to help others"? Oh, no.
Everyone, cheeks to the seats.
That means ass in the chairs.
My name is Mr.
Deliver.
I know what you're thinking.
Teacher probably shouldn't talk to his students this way, but have any of your teachers ever talked to you this way? I am not going to quit on you because I know everyone in this class has potential to achieve something great.
And I know the game's stacked against you.
Even the classroom floor appears to be an uphill battle.
Oh, yeah, this class is at risk, all right.
At risk of learning.
My ride's here.
(groans) Whoa, this is a different chair.
The theater has a long and fabled history of educating - ALL: Ooh! - (hip-hop music plays) - Hmm.
Jay-Z? - No.
You know who the original Jay-Z is? - William Shakespeare.
- Pfft! - Whitey, throw me a beat.
- No.
(rapping) In fair Verona, where we lay our scene A guy named Romeo, a sexy teen (blows) Remix (imitates record playing in reverse) A sexy teen, a sexy teen A s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sexy teen Nope.
No.
You and me.
Outside now.
Anyway, Romeo's a super-hot teen trying to bang a pre-teen.
Whitey, go ahead and rap them through the rest of Act One.
No.
Steve, I've noticed you're falling behind the other students.
I didn't want to embarrass you.
That's why I brought you out in the hallway.
What?! I-I-I brought you out here! Here comes the anger.
Let it out.
I'll be your punching bag all day.
I see right through you.
You're just here to show me that you're not selfish.
Wait, a-are you talking about that conversation earlier where you slaughtered my feelings? Made me feel this big? I'd forgotten about that.
You're not a real teacher.
This is just your Time Warner cable guy re-purposed after he committed suicide.
Wrong.
Mr.
Deliver also has a mole somewhere on his body.
Don't you dare try to find it.
I want you to leave.
You can't help these kids.
You don't even want to.
You just want to prove me wrong.
So we both agree.
This would prove you wrong.
It's not gonna matter.
I don't even need to do anything because these poor, disadvantaged youths are animals, and they'll send you running for the hills.
I'm not going anywhere.
(bell rings) Recess! I'm going to recess! (laughs) Ah, the lobby.
This'll be the edge of my universe.
I'll be able to sit right here and watch Steve park and sit in his car for a few minutes as he works up the courage to come inside.
Dad, what are you doing? I'm checking it out.
If I'm gonna spend the rest of my life here, I'd better try one night first.
Ooh, I'll stay, too.
Remember what we have to do the first night at a new home.
I wish, but I want to make this as realistic as possible.
And when I get old enough to live here, I won't even be able to get hard to pee.
You do that, Mr.
"S"? Damn right, I do.
Use it or lose it.
(spray can hissing, tattoo needle buzzing, drums playing) Yo, look, teach already quit.
He's not even trying.
He's just staring at that pigeon coop carpet.
- Damn it! - Why you trippin', teach? Why ain't you trippin', Tiglet? These fat-cat journalists saying 9 out of 10 of you will end up dead or in prison.
Well, here's what I think of this.
Dead, in prison, dead, dead, dead, prison, prison, prison.
Guess you make it.
Looks like you're wrong, teach, 'cause I'm gonna kill him.
And that's why you go to prison.
ALL: Ohh! You're dead, teach! Whoa! What were you, teach? Army? Marines? Army? I wish.
I was in the shit.
Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation" tour.
ALL: Wow! Damn.
So what if this guy used to know how to dance.
He's a crummy teacher.
ROGER: Used to know? ALL: Uh-oh! Give us a countdown! Four, three, two, one.
(Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation" plays) Nice try, teach.
You're not gonna win us over with this, right, guys? With music by our side To break the color lines Let's work together To improve our way of life Join voices in protest To social injustice A generation full of courage, come forth with me Still not teaching them anything.
I taught them how to count down from four.
ALL: Whoa! Class dismissed.
It's 9:15! Stop using numbers we haven't got to yet.
(indistinct shouting) You've got to fire Mr.
Deliver! Look who it is Mr.
No Money, No Chocolate, telling me how to run my business.
Oh, hey, Steve.
Principal Lewis, this is the boy with anger issues I was telling you about.
But don't expel him.
Give me a chance to give him a chance.
There's no way this guy's qualified to teach those kids.
Well, he did go to Harvard.
No, he didn't.
Then how'd I get this sweatshirt? How'd he get the sweatshirt, Steve? Wha are you really asking? A sweatshirt doesn't mean anything! You calling me a fraud? Saying I didn't graduate from F.
U.
B.
U.
? (gasps) Oh, God, did I slip up? Wait a minute.
Vodka? Whiskey? These aren't mine.
I'm a rum man.
But let's see who did slip up.
Hmm.
Ahh! Yeah! (glass shatters) - Rum's the only thing that gets my engine going! Rum! Rum-rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum! Rum! Rum-rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum! Rum! Rum-rum-Rum-Rum-Rum! (imitates brakes screeching) Oh, this is bad.
Looks like Harvard's got a habit.
Jackpot! Hmm.
We can't have a drunk teacher around here.
But a perfectly buzzed principal's good for everybody.
(gulping) So, how was it, last night? (slurring speech) Terrible.
We still have a lot of dogs to kill.
- What? - I'm not gonna say it again.
They took my feet.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh What?! I've seen this too many times.
When people are put in a home, they just go downhill so fast.
Not this fast.
Dad, did they medicate you? We didn't give him anything he didn't ask for.
Which pills would you like today, Stan? Red, green, blue? Rainbow! Rainbow! (gulps) I don't know what you've done to my husband, but we're taking him home right now.
You can't take him anywhere if he doesn't want to go.
And you don't want to leave our happy wittle home, do you, Stanny? I love you, Nurse Jocelyn! Baby dirty.
This is ridiculous.
He is coming with us.
I mean, after you take care of You heard him.
Baby dirty.
Orderlies! (groans) Don't worry, Dad.
We're gonna get you out of this.
We are gonna sic Legal Zoom on your ass! They're the best.
They did our paperwork when we got married.
Actually, babe, there was a little hiccup there.
I'm not totally sure we're married, but we're definitely licensed to import rare birds.
All right, so the North is the Bloods and the South is the Crips.
So that means Abe Lincoln is Huge Omar! And Fort Sumter was like when Kenny's mom shot his stepdad in the dick.
Which would mean? That even if the war didn't start out about slavery, Lincoln's emancipation proclamation made it about slavery.
Ricky, that sounds right to me.
- Whoo! - Yeah! All right, Ricky! Stop teaching this class! I found your desk full of alcohol! Then I dug deeper, found your DUls, your drunk and disorderlies.
What?! That's impossible! I was framed! Get out of my school! Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, you can't take him.
He the first person to ever get through to us.
Kids, don't.
You can't fight the system.
Remember that.
(class jeering) - Let the teach teach! - (crying) I don't know why everybody's so upset.
Sounds like we dodged a bullet with this creep.
He quit on us! Teach quit on us! From now on, the only one who quits on Ricky is Ricky! Ricky got shot! Ricky joined a gang and got shot! (all gasp) This is bull, man! This would have never happened if teach was here! (crying) He was only 24! Damn.
We've heard a lot about Ricky.
But I don't think you could talk about Ricky without talking about Mr.
Deliver.
He was helping Ricky with his college applications.
He was helping all of us.
Whitey He drove you to your mom's parole hearings.
Yoyo, he paid your tab at planned parenthood.
And, Sara, he was always rubbing your shoulders.
Like, a lot.
Maybe he did care.
Ricky will live on on his Facebook page and is survived by his low-riding bicycle and his stolen Xbox.
Stop right there! I've got our paralegal, Rajeet, live-chatting with us from Hyderabad.
Technically, I am not a full paralegal.
And perhaps an unnecessary furtherance Look, I don't have time for this.
You can take him.
He just needs to sign his release papers.
Mr.
Smith, do you think you can write your full name with this big marker-oo? There.
All set.
You can have your father, and I'll just keep all of his assets.
Boom! Big money Jocelyn! All his assets? Then we're just left with my brick! Orderlies! I need some help, Jeff! Got it, babe! The key to the drug locker! We did it! Enough! If only you could see yourselves right now.
Dad, I thought you were all zonked out on pills.
They tried, but I had my C.
I.
A.
cheek pocket in.
Yep, this was one of my famous tests.
Oh, of course.
He loves those.
Always has.
And you all failed.
I'm not the one who has to be ready for retirement.
I'll be senile.
You're the chicken heads who need to be ready.
And you're not.
You're the chicken head 'cause these documents are real.
Everything's mine the 401(k)s, the Roth I.
R.
A.
s, the canoes.
Please, nurse, you must you must tell me this is one of your famous tests! Not even.
Bull's-eye! Ha-ha! Or should I say fish-eye? Okay, bull's-eye! It was clearly the crowd favorite.
(slurps) Mr.
Deliver? Come on, Steve.
I'm not a teacher anymore.
You want a cup of noodles? Hot Pocket? I got all the sad foods.
Look, I'm here to say I'm sorry.
I was so focused on getting you fired I didn't realize how much you were helping.
Actually, I was just trying to prove you wrong.
I didn't care about those kids.
Yes, you did.
I saw you at the funeral.
So I went to the funeral.
Big deal.
I was their teacher, and I walked out on them.
I took all their field trip money and bought Hot Pockets.
They're better off without me.
I brought some people who might disagree.
We are a part of the rhythm nation (Rapping) Let me teach y'all about the number pi 3.
14125 I changed the numbers so it would rhyme (laughter) what in the hot-and-holy hell is going on in here?! No, no, no, it's cool.
It's cool.
They had a vigil.
They asked me back.
I said yes.
It doesn't matter if your students want you back.
I fired you.
You're a drunk with a criminal record.
Stop it! Mr.
Deliver isn't a bad guy.
I am.
Iframed him.
Planted the alcohol, hacked the state records.
The only thing I know he's done for sure is turd-burgling.
And that should be treated as an illness, not a crime.
Wait a minute.
You added DUls to this man's record? Can you, by any chance, remove them from a person's record? I guess.
Congratulations, Smith! You're back in the smart class.
After we stop by the computer lab for a sec.
And, you I don't care what you do.
I'm going to teach! Like I said, don't care.
But I do.
You're so tense.
Wh-What are you doing? Just loading up on school property.
But w-where's Whitey and Yoyo and everybody? I got them to join the Army.
What? b-but they're not all 18.
They don't have to be for the Chinese Army.
My friend Chuen-Wei pays me for every recruit in "World of Warcraft" gold.
And one of these days, I'm gonna get into that game.
Sounds super-cool.
God, I'd love to escape to a fantasy world.
The real world's so dark.
Did you hear about that guy who sold his students to the Chinese Army? It's like I can't even turn on the news anymore.
I can't believe you, Roger.
I can't believe how helpful you were, Steve.
I didn't think it was gonna work, but then you got me fired, got Ricky killed, and got all my students to beg me to come back.
After that, they were putty in my hands.
Oh, my God.
I helped you do this.
What? You got them out of the inner city.
And you got the boot off principal Lewis' car.
So you've done a lot of good.
(siren wailing) Smith! Meet me in the computer lab! (horn blaring)