American Dad s12e09 Episode Script

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1 And now, Dickie Dobbins, with the Channel 3 Doppler 12,000 Accu-Climate Weather-Plus forecast.
We got more record heat movin' in.
My guess is it's from Eurasia, or even, possibly, the dark continent.
That's where Miss Maisie comes from.
She raised me.
Jesus, Dickie.
[Nervous chuckle] It's it's important to remember old Dickie comes from a different era.
Right, Terry? Oh, that's right.
Sometimes I forget [Tearfully] that he's gone.
As the week-long beat wave continues beat wave? What's a beat wave? As the heatwave sorry continues [sobs] I just hate seeing Greg like this.
Guy's been a mess ever since Terry dumped him and left town to follow 311 on tour.
You know what? Greg needs a new man and I'm gonna help him find one.
Why? Because that's what you do for friends.
At least, that's what I do for friends.
In high school, my nickname was Superfriend.
Actually, it was Supermouth.
Actually, it was Suckmachine.
They called me Stan the Man.
There was a girl in my class named Stan.
[Band plays] Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
[Tranquil tune plays] Just a little more pepper.
Greg's coming up the driveway! Aah! Aaaaaaah! Now, remember.
We're pumping him for information about his perfect guy, so we can find someone to set him up with.
It's actually the perfect temperature.
- Can someone toss me a tecate? - I'll tell you what my perfect man would be, if I was gay.
He'd have smooth, soft skin, long, shiny hair, a narrow waist and wide hips, forming the shape of an hourglass.
Pouty lips, big doe eyes.
A musical, high-pitched voice.
Large, supple, breast-like pectoral muscles.
And huge balls.
Something you can really grab onto.
Stan! Oh, we're at dinner now.
Thank you so much for having me.
It's nice to get out of the house.
Our pleasure.
Now, what would you like for dessert, a bear claw or a twink-ie? Or maybe asian dessert? We haven't even eaten dinner yet.
Okay, then, let's start with salad.
Would you like your dressing on the top of your salad, or on the bottom? How would you put it on the bottom? Okay, what are you two up to? All right.
The truth is, we were trying to figure out your type, so we could set you up.
You just seem so down, ever since Terry left.
Oh.
That's sweet of you.
I admit, I do miss Terry, as a life partner, but, to be honest, I miss him more, right now, as a work partner.
I'm I'm sorry.
That that probably didn't exactly warrant a spit-take.
Kind of jumped the gun there.
Go on.
What makes a reporter, journalistic integrity? Ha! It's the banter! But you can't just plug anybody into that other chair.
You need chemistry and chemistry is hard.
Tell me about it.
I burned down my school in chemistry class.
My school experience was pretty flaming, too, if you know what I mean.
[Chuckle] I bet you were quite the firestarter.
Just call me young Drew Barrymore.
You're not the only one who liked "riding in cars with boys.
" "Charlie's Angels"! "Charlie's angels 2"! "Home fries"! [Gasp] Francine, do you realize what we're doing? We're bantering.
Crazy idea.
Would you come fill in in Terry's old seat? Just until we find a permanent replacement.
I don't know, Greg.
I'm not really up on current events.
I get most of my news off Snapple caps.
Please, Francine.
To help a friend.
Sounds like a job for Suckmachine.
How'd you know my high school nickname? Hey, check out what we found in the basement.
You walk in, without knocking, like a bunch of Duprees? It's my old dream phone game.
It's so dumb.
You try to figure out which cute boy has a crush on you.
We thought it'd be fun to play as a goof.
Doesn't sound fun.
Sounds lame.
But I guess I'll do it, 'cause I got nothing else to do.
But it sounds boring.
I'm gonna be bored.
I was right.
This is boring.
I'm bored.
I think I'm just about ready to [gasp] Who is that?! - [breathily] Dylan.
- [piano flouris] - [ring] - Hello? Your crush loves pizza.
That could be Dylan.
We like all the same things.
Dylan likes the mall.
I like the mall.
Oh, my god.
Is he the one? I once wished a wish One day I would meet ya My two scoops of kisses With a heart shaped like pizza What angel or genie Led me here to you? My telephone Romeo My dream come true My dream come true [moaning] My dream come true I'd sing you the second verse, but it gets pretty explicit.
And remember, we are the news of Langley Falls.
Without us, people making dinner won't know who's been murdered! Good evening.
I'm Greg Corbin.
And I'm Francine Smith.
Our top story tonight 17 alligators were set loose today when an oak tree fell on a fence at the Langley Falls gator farm.
Dickie, I bet you were around when that oak tree was planted.
Huh? Planted? Dickie was around when the oak tree was invented.
[Chuckle] Looks like those gators aren't the only ones who bite.
Chomp, chomp.
[Chuckle] Her banter is beautiful.
She's a revelatio-o-o- o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-n! Oh, she's good.
Real good.
Too good.
This will end poorly.
Raven! [Laughs] She's so raven.
Real raven.
Too raven.
This will end poorly.
Thank you.
This is the first and last step to opening my dry cleaning business.
So, we eat here for free? I never realized being the husband of a local news celeb would be so sweet! Ah, the perks are nice, but remember: I'm doing all this to help Greg.
Complimentary order of shrimp enchiladas.
Mwah! The veins in the shrimp are how you say? Bursting with turds tonight.
That's exactly how you say it, Miguel.
One more call, and I'll zero in on the identity of the landline strangler.
I've crafted my own narrative to enhance my enjoyment of the game.
Now, talk to me, you sicko! Who are you talking to? Is it Dylan? [groaning] Keep your paws off him, you slut! [ring] Your crush hates the mall.
Hates the mall? It's not Dylan.
- We're resetting.
- [Beep] Roger, you can't just keep resetting the game every time, until you get Dylan.
I don't see why you're so hung up on Dylan, anyway.
Tyler is clearly the cutest of the dream boys.
Hell, I'd even take Wayne over Dylan.
You have six seconds to suck those filthy words back inside your rotten little mouth.
Damn it, Roger.
This isn't even a real person, okay? This is just some model who posed for a picture in 1994.
It's it's insane to have a crush on a fake person on a fake phone.
[sigh] You're right.
The sane thing to do is track down the model who posed for the card and go on a road trip to meet him.
Exactly.
I'm so excited And I just can't hide it No, no, no I'm about to lose control And I think I like it I know I like you, Dylan.
[laughter] Of course, that was back when it was okay to bring a crossbow on a bus.
This just in Channel 3's own Dickie Dobbins has Died? Of a stroke.
I didn't know you could die from that.
I thought it just made you talk funny.
Ah, I had a stroke, see? We always poke fun at Dickie, sure, but, I never thought we'd [wheels squeaking] Lose him.
Greg? Ladies and gentlemen, heaven just got one hell of a weather angel.
Or, if the allegations that followed Dickie his entire life turn out to have been true, hell just got one angel of a weather demon.
And We're Out.
Thank you, Francine.
That that was wonderful.
You just got in the zone.
It was like there was no one else at the desk.
Oh! [laughs] Oh, that's ridiculous.
Who ever heard of one person anchoring the news? - [laughs] - [nervous laugh] [laughs] But do ya think? So I had the sassiest waiter the other day.
Oh, I'll tell you how I feel about sassy waiters.
"Homey don't play around wit' dat.
" Remember that, the black clown? Anyway.
If I was that hang-glide instructor, I'd have just cut that big boy loose.
- Well, I - Oh, we're gonna get calls - on that one, aren't we? - I-I once Oh, behave, Francine.
[laughs] [music climbs] Man, Francine really ain't letting you get a word in edgewise, is she? Oh, she's just doing her part to be helpful.
And you know what they say "there's no I in team.
" No! I don't know that, 'cause I never learned to read! [sobbing] [hissing] Aah-aah! Why do we have this room?! So they've got a killer new verde shrimp chimichanga down at Larry's.
I was thinking maybe you could work in a plug on the show today.
I'm not gonna compromise the news to make you a hero at Loco Larry's.
This isn't about you.
And it's not about me.
It's about Greg.
Now, I really need to do my vocal warmups.
Me me me me me Not Greg, not Greg, not Greg All that is his will be mine What's going on? We've finally got a new weather guy to replace Dickie Memphis Stormfront.
From Channel 6 in Raleigh-Durham.
They say he gives great banter.
[Southern accent] And that he's got his eye on the anchor desk.
He might be just the guy to be Greg's permanent co-anchor, fool! Why are you doing that? I love gossi-i-i-p! [laughter] We have a new member of the Channel 3 and we're about to find out "weather" he's any good at his job.
A job, by the way, that can be done better by a free phone app.
Memphis.
"Appy" to prove you wrong, there, Francine.
I'd also happily help you find a phone made after 1998.
Hey, no fair! That's just a backup until her beeper gets out of the shop.
Ooh! Burn! Um, uh I Ch-chimichanga.
Turning to the five-day forecast.
I haven't felt this kind of on-air chemistry since Terry.
I think he's the one.
Isn't this great? You'll be able to go back to your whatever you do with your days.
My lokey! I want that weather punk gone! I just heard you got Memphis fired? He was dead weight, ratings poison.
A real Ray Donovan.
I was looking out for ya.
Look, you've been such a good friend to me, so, speaking as your good friend, I think your love of the limelight is clouding your judgment.
Oh.
Wow! Thank you for helping me realize - [crunch] - What an ingrate you are.
Francine, you're hurting me! I get the viewers.
- I make the news fun.
- [crunch] And I do it all to help you! Well, you're gonna have a hard time helping me, because me quits! [sobbing] Wait, wait! Greg, come back! I didn't mean what I said.
I've never seen "Ray Donovan.
" It could be a good show.
I don't know.
We don't get showtime.
Everything else I said stands.
[sobbing] Stupid, ungrateful Greg.
I guess some friends just don't want to be helped.
Oh, my god! I was so busy, telling myself I was helping Greg, I couldn't see how much I was hurting him.
Oh, we need to make this right.
Are you okay, losing your Loco Larry's perks? Hey, helping Greg is more important than eating 16 burritos a day, every day of the week.
Also, my my colon came out.
What? M-my colon came out.
I-I looked it up online and it is reversible.
Greg and Memphis are so clearly right for each other.
We need to get 'em back together.
And back on the air.
Easier said than done.
Mm-mm-mm.
Greg's done with TV.
Runs a cake shop now.
Another interesting tidbit: Greg might not be the macho ladykiller we all think he is.
Greg, please.
You're the one who belongs behind that desk, not me.
I'm sorry.
I'm not going back.
Even if you did get Memphis back, too.
And good luck with that.
He's a stormchaser now.
Said at least you can trust a tornado not to stab you in the back.
Also, you know Ashley in HR? Got an abortion.
What do we need a weatherman for, anyway? You said it yourself.
Unless, of course, there was some sort of cataclysmic superstorm to cover.
But, barring that, I would get rid of the snake room before I brought back Greg and Memphis.
Ohh! [munching] I just know, deep down, Greg wants to come back to the news.
If I could only get him and Memphis back on the air together for one broadcast.
But we'd need to be able to control the weather, to do that.
Easy as pie.
- Stan, that's a cake.
- Oh, what would you say? "Piece of cake.
" Oh, yeah, it's really easy to come up with clever word play when you're not holding in your butthole with a piece of duct tape.
[ring] Top-secret CIA weather- control division.
Dick speaking.
I mean, pizza store! Oh, it's you, Stan.
What kind of favor? [warble] [beep-buzz] [playing heavy metal] [thunder rumbles] [doorbell rings] Can I help you? You've aged beautifully.
- What? - A drink? Sure! I'll take a sweet tea, no ice.
You'll have one, too.
Put this in yours.
Come on in.
Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
[wind blows] [thunder rumbles] Hello? I received an order to deliver a cake to this lamppost.
[tires screech] I got a call saying my birth mother would meet me at this lamppost.
Greg? - Memphis? - [thunder rumbles] Oh, my god, a category-6 subpolar tornado-cane, the rarest storm in all of weather! Don't tell us.
Tell the viewers.
Our breaking story right now.
A weather event that I couldn't even begin to explain.
Oh! So we're going to go live to Greg Corbin and Memphis Stormfront, in the heart of the storm.
Ohhh?! I told you, I'm done with the news, Stan.
I'm a cake man now! You're a what? [thunder rumbles] Goddamn it, I'm a news man! Greg Corbin, here, live in the midst of the storm of the century, with our very own Memphis Stormfront.
Greg, we are witnessing a once-in-a-lifetime weather event unleashing multiple funnel clouds.
[wind roaring] [squeaking] The gators are gettin' spooked! Get 'em into the barn, and quick! Yah! It's too late! [growling] [lightning crackles] [alarm blares] Aaaaaaah! In a stunning development, we are now in the midst of a full-fledged gator storm.
[cheering] Whoo! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! - Aaaaaah! - [growl] Ah! Ah.
Aaaah! [gasping] Aaah! [whimpering] Ah.
Phew.
[hissing, rattling] By the way, great to be back on the air with you, Memphis.
What have you been up to lately? Well, I finally caught "Step up.
All in" - on cable this weekend.
- That mess? They should've called it "Throw up.
All over.
" They should've called it off.
[laughs] Even in the belly of the storm, they banter flawlessly.
These are my stars! [gulping] Ahh! You know, you look familiar to me.
I did do a bit of board-game modeling, back in my younger days.
Oh, yeah, maybe that's it.
I think I I think I remember.
Was it, um? Oh, god, it's on the tip of my I want to say mystery phone? - Dream phone.
- Dream phone, dream phone.
Right.
Now I remember.
It's been been such a long time.
Is that the phone from the game that you're holding right now? So it is.
Say, you know, I got the day free.
What do you say we head to the mall and grab ourselves a slice of 'za? Ugh! I try to stay away from malls, and pizza.
I'm beginning to get the distinct impression, Dylan, that you are a liar.
Well, I wouldn't exactly call it lying, but, for starters, my name's not actually Dylan.
So, um, what happened back there? We went to the mall and had pizza, because that's what Dylan likes.
Why is there blood on the dream phone? He likes malls and pizza.
And me.
Roger? Wh-what's in this jar? Dylan was being bad.
And, now, we have the jar.
I'm so excited And I just can't hide it [birds chirping] Well, it's official, I'm out at Channel 3 and you two are back in, thanks to us.
What do you mean, thanks to you? We did all of this.
Francine got you on the air and I abused my CIA powers to make that superstorm.
You may this storm? Lives were destroyed.
But Greg's life was fixed.
Now, you've got a new work partner and a new life partner.
Now kiss, you two lovebirds.
And put some mustard on it.
Aren't you straight? Yes, but I'm terrified of these people.
They can control the weather! Mmm.
- Mwah.
- Mmm.
You did it, baby.
We did it.
Because we're helpers.
It's just in our nature.
We help.