American Dad s12e10 Episode Script

1 (Tennessee Ernie Ford's "Shenandoah" playing) Oh, Shenandoah I hear you calling Hi-o You rolling river Oh, Shenandoah (patriotic music plays) Good morning, U.
S.
A.
She's a mighty river Hi-o You rolling river (thunder crashes) When she rolls down Her topsails shiver (rattling) (clanking) (thunder crashes) (wind howling) (thunder crashes) (glass shatters) (shing!) (rattling) (growls) Stan, don't! It's me Principal Lewis! Where's my family?! I don't know where they are.
I swear! To the old Gods and the new! (fire crackling) Fire's a bad idea.
Relax, Stan.
There's two of us, and it's nice and warm.
Your clothes are soaked through.
You need to dry 'em out.
(thunder crashes) Ooh, sexy.
(thunder crashes) If you weren't here with your family, where were you? You know, when the blast happened? On a mission.
South America.
(whistles) That's a long walk.
You run into the Two Hundred out there? I hear they're brutal.
No, but I've seen what they've done.
Cool.
Hey, you, uh, seems like a lot of people are doing that thing where they eat other people.
(laughing) I mean, isn't that wild? But also maybe understandable, hmm? You, uh, done any of that? Nope.
(laughs) Me neither! You passed my test! Now I feel like I can relax.
Look out! I thought I saw a murderous road bandit, but it was just a moth.
So tell me, what's your feeling about tattoos? They should be covered in the workplace.
Come on, Stan! And what's with that huge-ass hummingbird? It's a falcon.
It was the end of fishing season.
And the sun.
I can remember how warm it felt on my face.
Aah! My face is so hot! Why don't you wear a hat? Great idea, Hayley.
Maybe don't look directly at the sun.
Oh, you'd just love for me to miss another eclipse.
Why did you want to come on this trip so bad again? Yeah, don't you have, like, a moral objection to fishing or something? Oh, my God, can I stop myself? (falcon shrieks) This is nice.
You know, I asked to come along because, well, it's actually pretty rare that we Talk quieter.
You're scaring the fish.
- It's just rare that - Quieter.
- It's so rare - Too quiet! It sounds like you're conspiring against the fish.
You're making them paranoid! I was saying we never spend any time together! Well, they're definitely gone now! First you eat all my drivin' pickles on the way up, and now this! Wasn't there some sort of protest you could have gone to instead of ruining my fishing trip?! A protest? How 'bout I do a protest right here? Live free! (falcon shrieks) Whoa.
Well, you live free! (falcon shrieks) This one, though, definitely lives free.
(falcon shrieks) WOMAN ON RADIO: Considered overbudget.
Still, the LQL insists that Langley Falls' very own Hadron Collider will meet its opening deadline.
Shut up, Klaus! (thunder crashes) All she wanted was to spend a little time together.
I was a fool.
So you got the tattoo As penance.
And a reminder of what I'd try to do differently, if I'm ever lucky enough to see my family again.
Fire's dying down.
All this talk of fish.
I never touched the stuff before the blast, but now I'd kill for one.
Man, I'd eat those worms if they were here right now.
(laughs) It's amazing the things you'll eat If you get hungry enough.
(thunder rumbles) I'm not a killer, Stan.
I just want a slice.
Hyah! (grunting) (glass shatters) LEWIS: Did I get ya? Ya gotta say something if I gotcha! Them's apocalypse rules! Stan, I thought that was you! Aah! Quiet, Greg! I was looking out my basement window - Shh.
- and I said to myself, - 'cause that's who I talk to these days.
- You have to stop talking.
- I said, "I think that's Stan Smith.
" - Please shut up! I didn't think I'd ever see you again - after your family left.
- Be quiet! You have a lot of tattoos.
Wait, what? Do you know where my family went? Oh, yeah.
But we shouldn't talk out in the open because Principal Lewis has been prowling around, and you would not believe what he's been getting up to.
All I wanted was a taste! We're cool now! So be cool! I can't look.
Did he get me? Last I saw Francine and the kids, they were leaving for the New Haven.
- In Connecticut? - No.
The New Haven is a safe zone a hundred miles west of here.
If they were in New Haven, Connecticut, they'd be dead already Of boredom! J.
K.
I've never been there.
I just think it's more important now than ever to try to laugh.
What's this tattoo here? Looks like a doily.
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay.
I'm feeling pretty weak.
Maybe I'll just sleep a little.
It was a particularly warm June.
I can still recall the light, sweet smell of Jasmine that lingered in the summer air.
It's a thousand degrees! I'm sweating like a razorback hog! It's really cool that you want to do this with me, Dad.
- Why can't I stretch again? - It's no good.
You gotta keep those muscles tight and ready.
Don't let the tendons get all loosey-goosey like some spaghetti man.
Sons and fathers, on your marks! All right, Steve, as you know, first prize is a refurbished Hamilton Beach panini press.
With a little ciabatta and a little gabagool, I'll be mangia-ing my way straight to mama-mia-ville.
(gunshot) Speed it up! Aah! I think I sprained my ankle! It's just a twist! There was a rusty nail in one of the tires, and now my jaw feels like it's locking up! It's just tetanus! I'm really having a hard time putting weight on this foot! I don't think I can go on! And I don't think I can go another day eating sandwiches that make my mouth cold! Now, pick it up! Aah! Oh, God, look at him flat on the ground, like a pressed hot sandwich.
But why is the tattoo a doily? His leg was broken.
He spent the whole summer laid up on the couch, learning to knit.
He made doilies, each one finer and lacier than the last.
It was a nightmare.
If I'd just carried him, like I'm carrying you now (rustling) Oh, cute, a rabbit.
(bones crack) Oh, cute, a dinner.
MAN: Damn.
I thought it'd be somethin' bigger.
Or someone.
Run for your lives! Is is it the It's the Two Hundred! They're coming! (footsteps stomping) - Go! Go! - Get out of here! - (screaming) - Get out of here! Stan, before the Two Hundred kills us, I want to tell you that you were often an inconsiderate neighbor.
(singsong voice) It's the Two Hundred! Clear out you'll! You'll run faster without your stu-uff.
Roger! We have to get moving! The Two Hundred are coming.
Oh, no, there's no Two Hundred.
Made 'em up.
I just walk around, do a creepy "Waah waah, the Two Hundred are coming!" They scatter.
I get the stuff.
It's mostly tin plates, a lot of spoons.
I have so many spoons now, I'm like the Little Mermaid.
Oh, my God, Stan! How are you? And what's this on the back? - It's a Greg.
- Oh, right.
Greg, you remember my Uncle Roger? Stan, no.
That's all done now.
We live in a changed world.
There's no need for characters.
I'm just a man in rags.
- Whose name is Clifton.
- Hi, Clifton! We're heading to the New Haven to find Francine and the kids.
Ooh! I haven't seen them in ages! Not since the blast.
I'm coming with wait, is Steve gonna be there? I pray to God that he is.
Guh.
I still owe him 60 bucks.
But, like, he's not gonna care about that anymore, right? And maybe he's dead! I am coming with you.
I mean, sure, I could pay Steve back in spoons, but nowadays one spoon is worth more than $60.
How would he even give me change? What, like a tiny, little spoon? Oh, my God, that sounds amazing! Let's rescue the tiny spoon and the boy who has it! Let's hop on! These tracks go right to the New Haven.
It's on fire.
I guess we can hang around here and see if those wild dogs are friendly.
(growling, barking) (grunts) (barking, growling resumes) We did this in the wrong order.
Goodbye, Greg! No hard feelings! (laughs) - Damn it.
- Don't beat yourself up.
He was a liability slowing us down.
(panting) Ah! You did it! Somehow.
We're so glad.
Boy, that blast.
I don't remember any of it.
Was it a blast? Like the party kind? I-I just think it's more important now than ever to try to laugh.
Hey, me too.
Hey! I'm haunted by memories.
So, Stan, we haven't talked about all these tattoos.
Could I ask that we don't? Why the garbage can tattoo you ask? - No.
- It was a Thursday morning.
Trash day.
We were having a very hot August, which was unusual.
Unusual? August August is what? August is always hot.
Francine was sleeping like an angel.
(garbage truck beeping) Stan, did you remember to put the garbage cans out this time? I'm in the shower! And no-o-o! Come back! This is two weeks' worth of trash! My husband keeps forgetting to take it to the curb! Francine Smith.
I just want to let you know that my husband watches you from our upstairs window.
(brakes screech) Why would anyone go out in this heat? If Francine is there at the end of all this, I'll make it up to her.
She'll never carry trash again, unless I forget for real.
Gimme food or the cripple gets it.
We just left Greg! I could tell that guy was coming for the spoons, and I've worked too hard and too long to Aw, crap, I left my spoons on the train! Greg's dead.
As he should be.
He was the weakest Hey, guys! I managed to wrestle away his knife and kill him.
This isn't my blood.
Could I finish what I was saying, please? Weakest link.
Greg is the weakest link.
I got your spoons.
No.
(man grunts) What happened? It was a massacre.
No survivors.
My family was here.
Is there any chance they made it out alive? What did I just say? Ugh.
Oh, no, Stan.
This looks like Francine's locket.
I'm too late.
But I'm right on time! Aaah! You big, black bitch! I bet you all think I'm some kind of a monster, just 'cause I'm a cannibal now.
That's what these delicious jerks are saying.
I think you're great.
I'm nuts about ya.
Stan, snap out of it! We gotta get out of here.
This guy is gonna eat us.
See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.
(sighs) What? It was just a normal breakfast Can't we just enjoy our ride in the cage cart? Except I was about to leave on a perilous mission to South America that I knew I might not come back from.
I wanted to tell them I loved them, but I couldn't.
'Cause I never do.
They would've known something was wrong, and they would've worried.
In that moment, I wanted to say how much they meant to me.
I wanted to say how much I regretted letting things get to this point, where them hearing "I love you" from me would be weird.
I wanted to say all those things, but instead I said (voice breaking) See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya! Those are the last words I ever said to them.
I wasn't with them when the blast hit.
I wasn't with them when they needed me.
And now they're dead.
And I want to be dead, too! Shoot me, Lewis! I'm beggin' ya! Stan, you're stressin' me out! Lucky for you, I'm a stress eater.
(falcon shrieks) What the hell?! (falcon shrieks) - Aah! - (horse neighs) (heroic music plays) Never bring a gun to a bird fight.
Baby girl! You're alive! And you continued your interest in falcons! I wouldn't come any closer.
Oh, I appreciate the advice, but - Net! - Aah! Steve! Little Steve! That took me three months to knit! My kids are alive! And capable! And the cart's moving! LEWIS: So strong, I can't get a tear going.
(dramatic music plays) (Greg, Roger screaming) (grunting) It's too heavy, Dad! We can't stop it! It's okay, kids.
You can let go.
He doesn't speak for the cart! Take care of each other.
(heroic music plays) Francine! Thanks to you always hiding in the bathroom on trash day, I have a powerful set of the muscles I'm using now.
(grunting) (smooching) (strained) In a minute, Stan.
I thought you were dead when I found the locket.
You never take it off.
It's too precious to you.
I traded it for flip-flops.
There were communal showers at New Haven.
Which is why we left New Haven.
Couldn't do it.
Now that we're reunited, I want to say something I couldn't bring myself to say before.
(inhales) I would like to see ya.
And I would want to be ya.
- Is that what you wanted to say? - Don't rush me.
There'll be plenty of time for that later.
(laughs) You all think you're safe? You think I'm alone? (whistles) (ominous music plays) (crowd chants) I love you guys so much.
It's time we feast.
Take them.
It's the T-T-T-Two Hundred! Nonsense! I made the Two Hundred up.
They don't exist.
Whaaa? HAYLEY: Two hundred Rogers? ROGER: Two hundred mes? I don't underst oh, right.
I remember.
MAN: Welcome, Mrs.
Houlihan's sixth grade class, to our brand-new Hadron Collider.
This is where we shoot sub-atomic particles at fantastic speeds.
And you kids are in luck, because today we're shooting our first beam.
First beam! Now, kids, if you look through here, you can actually see inside the collider tunnel.
- Can we go in there? - Good Lord, no! That would be wildly dangerous.
But he's in there.
Sorry! I dropped my Ray-Bans.
(metallic humming) What's that sound? The beam! It's starting! Ouch! Something really, really small just hit me.
Ouch! And again! Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
- Dear God.
- Ow! - (cries) Ow! Ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow, ow-ow-ow-ow! I feel like I'm gonna fart.
(farts) Come on, man.
Just a little wind.
Yeah! Oh! They were hitting me with bosons.
Yeah, yeah, you can't do that.
The particle impact caused my personas to split and form separate physical entities, which released a cataclysmic energy burst.
I apologize, everyone.
I'm the one who ended the world.
Saved these babies, though.
Aw, damn it, there's a crack in them.
(mob screams) - Jeannie Gold! - Tom Yabo! - Genevieve Vavance! - Braff Zacklin! - Roy Rogers McFreely! - Kevin Bacon! - Horse Renoir! - Chex LeMeneux! - Clive Trotter! - Miles Raymond! - The Phantom of the Telethon! - Cleshawn Montegue! - Captain Francois Dubonet! - Roland Chang! General Juanito Pequeño! Ricky Spanish! - Max Jets! - Jenny Fromdabloc! - Frankie Carconni! - Ruby Zeldastein! - Uncle Roger! - Dr.
Penguin! - Jojo Quinoa! - Michael Corbin! - The Legman! - Dan Ansome Handsome! - Arbuckle T.
Boone! - Lazlo Morphine! - Shalonda Dykes! - Dom Fikowski! - Dimitri Garabedian! - Morris Buttermaker! - Sidney Huffman! - Reaganomics Lamborghini! - Martin Sugar! - Burt Jarvis! - Cuss Mustard! - Frank Slade! - Abigail Lemonparty! - Twill Ongenbone! And who could forget Clip Clop! Are they on our side? Kevi-i-i-i-i-n Ramage! Aah! They are not on our side.
(screaming continues) I think we all knew it would end this way.
(growling) Did somebody order the fish? Whooooo! (birds chirping) And that's the end of the story.
(children laughing) Grandpa, how come you never talk about what happened in the battle? 'Cause grandpa didn't have a great view from his hiding spot.
But that's not what's important.
What's important is that every day, we take a moment and tell the people we care about "Don't let Roger in a Hadron Collider!" I need to be watched very closely.