American Dad s12e14 Episode Script

The Nova Centauris-burgh Board of Tourism Presents: American Dad

1 (bell rings) Ha ha ha ha ha! What's the hurry, nerd? This year's moisture crop is in! I'd kick your ass if I wasn't so confused! Damn it.
I should have said, "Your mom's moisture crop is in.
" Next time.
(propulsion engine whines) (speaking Japanese) Toshi, before we get into any of that, I'm gonna need to sample this year's moisture crop.
(slurps) Mmm! Like mother's milk.
My space blazer you got the stain out! Yes, sir.
And this little guy spit up on it.
Sometimes I just want to (imitates bone cracking) Kidding! You're papa's little everythings.
Snotron, buddy, I'd love to see that health grade go up from a "C" minus to an "A.
" Or How about a free drink for the mayor? A Capri two suns? Mr.
Mayor, we're back from the dilithium crystal mine.
What a haul! This will power the colony for months! MAN: God, what are you children doing? And why do you have that wheelbarrow full of dog turds? Dilithium straight from the source! I forgot bags, so I'm gonna let this go, but do not touch my dog's asshole.
(imitating jet engine) Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
(birds chirping) Stan, come see the new curtains for over the kitchen sink! They're gorgeous! Great news! I found the perfect place to put my new shark tank.
I got it from a drug lord we busted.
But that's where I want to hang these.
Well, you can't.
You don't put curtains on a shark tank, because there's never a time you don't want to see them.
But where am I gonna do the dishes? Use our new lawn sink.
Ugh.
Mom, Jeff and I are headed out to pick up some Cho-nuts.
They're the hot new dessert.
Solid chocolate in the shape of a doughnut.
Oh! I've actually been dying to try those.
Oh, well I'm not inviting you.
It's just I was supposed to pick up Steve at the park at 4:00.
But now you have to Because I'm doing chocolate stuff.
(sighs) I never get to do anything I want around here.
I know.
And I'd love for you to tell me all about it.
- But you can't.
- What? Why not? - Floor spaghetti.
- Floor spaghetti? Floor spaghetti.
Why don't you put something on the jukebox? (beeping) Doo doo doo, doo doo doo Feel like makin' love Steve, we've got to go.
Dad needs me to pick up aquarium rocks that match his shark's eyes.
- But I'm LARPing.
- What's LARPing? What's a LARP? She doesn't I can't even What did you do in high school? Sorry, Steve, I guess I was too busy scoring mad pole.
Ugh.
LARPing is live action role-playing.
We create characters and then act out their actions in a fictional setting.
In our case, we're space colonists.
So you pretend to have space battles? (scoffs) Battles? W-we don't have the stomach for the horrors of war.
You see, we're all fans of "Star Wars," specifically the first act where Luke was a space farmer.
The minute he left his home world to explore his destiny, I completely checked out.
Um, hello! Know your audience! More farming, please.
I don't get it.
I just see a bunch of boxes in a dog park.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're breaking the number one rule of LARPing.
Never break the reality by questioning the LARP.
Oh, I get it! "LARP" stands for something.
(birds chirping) Oh-ho-ho-ho! This dude is awesome! I'm surprised you're so cool with all this fish death.
Oh, yeah.
Finally someone I can relate to around here another true alpha.
Why are you always handing me this? I don't want this.
- What's the shark up to? - Eating money.
Between feeding him and other expenses, he costs more per week than I make, and I don't like to brag, but I'm doing medium.
Stan, you shouldn't pay for this yourself.
Yeah, well, who else would? All the people who come to visit our new SeaWorld! Are you suggesting we franchise a SeaWorld out of our home? Well, we'll obviously need to change the name so we don't have to pay SeaWorld, but, yes.
You already have the main attraction.
Plus, you have a talking fish! I've been working on my stand-up routine.
And I could be the trainer.
I have a good rapport with animals, especially marine life.
It's true! She taught me how to use TurboTax.
We're basically there, Stan.
Let's do it.
It's the only way to save my shark.
(all cheering) Yay! Okay, first things first.
We're not a real business until we have a 3-D printer, obviously.
(gasps) We should advertise over urinals in bars.
According to all the empty ad space over urinals, that's the number one place to advertise.
Now, I know a lot of you are worried about the rising threat of a mutant versus cyborg galactic holy war, but for now, let's enjoy our new shake shack! (all gasp) (speaking Japanese) Everyone calm down.
We have to keep the peace.
I'll return this to the others.
Snot, where's Steve? He's off on diplomatic business.
If you're looking to kill time, you could have a drink at my cantina.
Guy Fieri came in once.
He emptied all our salt shakers into his mouth and called us a "local hot spot.
" (whistle blows) This field is for J.
V.
football only, geek! Oh, I-I would never dream of intruding on your territory.
I-I've simply come to return your spherical projectile.
(laughing) Oh, my Who who am I kidding? You serve real booze? Yep.
It's everything left over from my dad's wake that my uncle didn't steal.
Dark.
Can I have a drink? You can have anything you want.
Anything I want.
It's been a long time since I've heard that.
That's the beauty of LARPing.
Take Barry.
At home, his mom won't let him use the iron.
Yet here, he runs a successful imaginary dry cleaners.
This is a place of dreams, where no one tells you how to live your life but you.
Wow! That sounds really nice.
At home, I'm such a second-class citizen.
I mean, it's not like I'm asking to be treated like a princess or anything.
GIRL: I present our new princess Fran-cinatra! (all cheering) Thank you! You're too kind.
I don't want that thing.
Thank you.
- Mom? - SNOT: Hey, Stever-O! Can you believe it? The princess bumped me up to a "B" minus! Now I can cater cyber-mitzvahs.
But the city bylaws say nothing about a princess having jurisdictional authority over the health board.
A princess has authority over everything! (whooshing noise) Just think like we don't really need a princess.
since the mayor was going such a good job.
Remember, everybody, how happy we were with just the mayor? You know what the princess has been dying to try? That new Cho-nut place.
Who wants to accompany their princess to the planet Choculus?! Yeah, we never go off-world, right, guys? Now I'm LARPing as IKEA furniture! Our first stop is the international tank.
These are Swedish fish.
Their usual habitat is a bag at 7-Eleven.
Next, we have the rarest fish known to man the talking fish.
So what's with kids these days? Such little bitches.
Playing games on their phone where the goal is crushing candy? You know what I played when I was a kid? Steal Grandpa's Playboys.
And the goal was to jerk off! Ha ha.
Uh Uh, hey, kids, how would you like to swim with the dolphins? Real members of the 1984 Miami Dolphins.
Kowalski, go! Amazing creatures.
They're actually the second-smartest mammals on the planet due to their head injuries.
Now, for the big finale (singing "Jaws" theme) Shark! That's it?! My uncle's a drug dealer.
He has two just like this.
This is bad.
Don't worry, Stan, I know his uncle.
Small-time shit, no threat to my crew at all.
What? No, we're hemorrhaging money.
Maybe I should just get rid of the shark.
Or or you double down.
Do I have your permission to buy a whale? Always.
(humming) I hope the laundry monster's hungry.
Wait, to do now? Yep, morale's been really low around OceanLand, so we had ourselves an old-fashioned chum fight.
It did the trick.
But I've been looking forward to LARPing at the park.
Not happening, Francine.
See, you live in a fantasy world, while I live in the real world where I run a marine park out of my home to raise money to save my shark.
Steve! Can you give me a hand so I won't have to miss LARPing today? Ooh.
I was gonna get there a little early.
Come on, Steve.
Your princess needs you here.
Yeah, the thing is, here you're not the princess.
You're just a bloody underwear cleaner.
I don't know.
(whistles) I need you to stop whatever you're doing and have these done by 5:00.
Uh This is real laundry.
Take my spaceship.
Princess, wasn't expecting you to grace us so soon.
May I query as to what those boxes are for? Queer away, Steve.
They're for expanding the colony to other fields not covered in steaming piles of crystals.
- Ooh! - Space mansions! Are you crazy?! If we expand, we'll intrude on the J.
V.
football field.
You're asking for war.
Stop questioning your princess and step aside.
No! I've stood silent too long! I should have spoken up last week when you called the sand worm worshippers, of which I am one, a "fringe cult.
" But this endangers everything we've built.
You can't to this! No one says "can't" to the princess.
For your insolence, I hereby banish you to the jungles of Gymnasia.
Not the prison planet! No! Ducks are Green! Ty-Ty, go long! Oof! What the hell is this?! It's bad enough no one comes to our games, and we don't get to practice on the varsity field.
We don't need your nerd crap in our way! Our colony is under new management, and like Charlotte, North Carolina, we are both fast-growing and completely devoid of culture.
Did Charlotte, North Carolina, just get dadded? No, Barry, "American Dad" loves everyone now.
That's right, America.
We want you to know you are loved! Except for you, Bend, Oregon filthy gutter trash.
I know money's a concern, but I discovered that when you open your search to whales with checkered pasts, the price goes way down.
So, is he dangerous? No, just a few misunderstandings.
But if it's against the rules to kill a few people at a Canadian marine park, then you're gonna have to fire me, too.
No, you can't take them! This is their home! (sobbing) They're gonna be so happy.
You did such a great job with them.
We're gonna let you train the new orca.
- (growling) - (chuckles) I-I mean, I didn't do that great of a job.
You're gonna love Killatun.
He's a sweetheart.
Stan, he came with a Rolex! We're already making money off this baby! I was thinking, when we get back, I'd like to execute one citizen, you know, as a show of power.
Smart.
I'll make a list of potential candidates just after the colony finishes burning.
The colony! (tires squeal) No! Is there anything crueler than when a father must rebuild his dry cleaning business?! People of the outlands, we demand space justice.
Whoa! We're in the middle of practice.
Maybe you should practice rebuilding the colony you destroyed.
Look, lady, you can't put your garbage on our field.
And you can't order me around.
I'm royalty.
No, you're a sad housewife who spends her days playing dress-up, bossing around a bunch of geeks.
You're You're right.
Now we have nowhere to LARP! Well, at least we got to LARP long enough for Cat Girl and Glove Nose to permanently confuse what I consider sexual.
I know I messed up.
A cake gets messed up.
A Quiznos bathroom gets messed up.
You destroyed a galaxy, mother! I know you don't care, but I needed that place.
Steve, stop lecturing your mother.
It's Daddy's turn! Francine, how committed are you to OceanLand? - Well - Because it seems you're two laundry loads short of full commitment.
You put your clothes in the chum buckets With the chum? Yeah, but you don't have to wash the chum.
I mean, unless We'll get back to you on the chum.
I used to be a princess.
Jeez.
Hey, after a quick pow-wow, we realized how ridiculous we were being about the chum.
Of course we want it cleaned.
Hey, Mom, I'm sorry.
For what? I'm the one who messed up your game.
Destroyed our galaxy.
But it only happened because you found the true meaning of LARPing, escaping from your life.
Well, I guess there's no escape for me anymore.
You're right.
It would be hard to escape from this dungeon we're in.
Because an ogre locked us down here to wash his clothes day and night! Yes! And when the work is done, that vile ogre drags me to his bed and fumbles with my bra strap until he gets frustrated and asks me to do it.
And then the real work starts.
And now my character is totally deaf.
A deaf slave, whistling his tuneless laundry song.
(whistling tunelessly) No, Steve, you're not a slave.
You're a twice-elected moisture farm colony mayor, and you know what a colony mayor needs? His colony.
You're right! It's time for me to be a man and reclaim my make-believe village with the help of my mother.
Okay, Killatun, let's let's roll over.
(applause) (snarls) Oh, my God, Stan, we have to act fast! No! (crowd screaming) (smooches) - (applause) - Wow.
He's a sweetheart, folks.
Wave to the crowd, Killatun.
(cheering) (screaming) (siren wails) I don't get it! What happened? I may have an idea.
In order to afford the whale who was great, right? Total pro, good value, nice find, Roger, yay We had to cut a few corners.
One of those corners was real bleachers, so I just made bleachers with the 3-D printer.
I guess they just can't get wet.
Roger, I'm ruined! Stan, baby, you're not looking at the big picture.
I came into this with nothing, and now I'm leaving with a 3-D printer and a Rolex.
A Rolex, Stan.
A "Rodex"? This has been a disaster! - Hut, hut! - Wait! Well, well, well.
Someone wants to get Korean barbecue with old Coach Milonis.
I'm here to ask you to give these kids the field back.
What, so they can run around in weird outfits playing make-believe? Yeah.
Look, some kids dream they're space colonists, and others, well, they dream about being on varsity football.
We all want to be something we're not.
So a housewife gets to be a princess and a J.
V.
coach gets to pretend anybody cares.
(sighs) It's true.
During games, I wear a big headset like in the pros, but I'm just listening to Phil Collins.
That's okay! We just need to realize we're in this together.
And maybe We can even help each other.
Okay, guys, I know it's our first time playing in front of a crowd, but don't be nervous.
It's just like any other game except the entire galaxy is watching.
Break.
Hut, hut, hike! (horn blares) (cheering) Princess, you've shown the wisdom of a logic droid and the bravery of a a Oh, I don't know, let's say let's say moon lion.
And for that, we make you queen.
With this crown, I pronounce you Wait! Are those dilithium crystals? Nothing but the finest for our queen.
I just I just don't get it.
There are pine cones everywhere.
You mean barnathium crystals? Those are worthless.
Well, now I must return to my home world to restore order.
I'll pick you up at 4:30, Mr.
Mayor.
My shark just swam out the front door.
Did you set it free? Shut up and hang these curtains.
Whoa! What's got into you? I'm queen of this castle.
Now get to hanging.
(sighs) I guess none of the husbands in this neighborhood are getting a break today.
You're free now! Go! No, Kowalski, y-you have to go.
Get on! Just just leave me alone! Get out of here, you stupid fish!