American Dad s12e15 Episode Script

1 Ugh, why are you dragging us to church with you? We were gonna find Jeff the perfect pair of overalls today.
It's always the chest pocket that's the dealbreaker.
When it comes to overalls, you can't settle.
It's why Kris Kross split up.
It's Wiggity-wiggity-wiggity sad.
This family goes to church on Easter, end of story.
Well, Roger's part of the family.
Why doesn't he have to go? Roger goes to church, just not ours.
(UPBEAT HYMN MUSIC PLAYING) - You got to have - Power - All you need is - Power Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh! Brother Jenkins is feeling it! Jesus, take my feet! Okay, kids, get ready to find those Easter eggs.
Aren't you too old for this? You're never too old to have fun.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - (THUD!) - (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) - BOY: Over here! And stay down! Bow to your leader, the King of eggs! Hey, kid in the middle you're faking! Aaatomic Easter drop! (PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS) Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Which is why, on this day, we remember what happened in Galilee.
Psst! Red hat! Red hat! Stan, who is that? If I play my cards right, a new friend.
Mr.
Smith, your son has outgrown Sunday school.
Smart, lady get rid of the one kid who can kind of go to the bathroom by himself.
- Sit! - Okay.
So, this is adult services? The place is bigger than I imagined.
Were we supposed to bring our own cushions, or Shh! And the disciples found his tomb empty because he had risen from the dead, and then So so Jesus was like a zombie? Like in "The Walking Dead"? Shall ye be told what shall be made I wish Chris Hardwick were here to giddily explain these confusing plot points.
Shh! Doubting Thomas himself stepped forward Doubting Thomas stuck his finger in Jesus' what? Am I the only one here who thinks this is totally weird?! - Shh! - Quiet! - Please! - Come on! Is anyone actually buying this? Steve, you're destroying all the groundwork I laid with red hat.
My own son, a Godless heathen.
Ehh, got to admit, he made a few good points.
That's it, hash Browns for believers only.
Okay, dad, if you're such a good Christian, why weren't you paying attention in church? 'Cause I'm already a believer.
Religion solves all the big problems for me.
Life after death? Solved! Meaning of existence? Solved! Now I can spend my time focusing on things I enjoy, like complaining about the terrible service! What?! This place sucks.
Now, back to the big picture.
Imagine life is like a really hard class that you're for sure gonna fail, but then you open your textbook, and you see some nerd wrote all the answers in it for you.
Well, this guy you've got the balls to call a nerd? That's God, and your textbook, the Bible.
But it's just a bunch of crazy folk tales and impossible stuff.
Nonsense.
Every word of the Bible is 100% true.
Oh, really? And what makes you so sure? Because it's the greatest book ever written.
All the best stories are in there.
Noah's ark, David and Goliath, the Princess and the pea, "Steamboat Willie," the story of the rabbit who stole the children's cereal, the man who says, "Now, that's a spicy meatball!" Uhh, Dad? Have you ever, you know, actually read the Bible? Why would I? That's what the talking guy at church does.
If there was something fishy in there, he'd have caught it by now.
He's obsessed with that thing.
- Well, maybe you should go read it.
- Fine, I will.
In fact, I tell you what, Steve.
We'll read the Bible together.
It's about time someone instilled a little faith into you.
(SCOFFS) Please.
Faith is for suckers.
(GASPS DRAMATICALLY) Stan?! (CONTINUES GASPING) Daddy, please stop gasping! (CONTINUES GASPING) Here we are, the family Bible.
I see you got it at Waldenbooks.
Yes, Waldenbooks.
Don't you have respect for anything? No better place to start than at the beginning.
"In the beginning" right spot, good start "God created the heavens and the Earth.
On the first day, God separated light and darkness.
" - See? Simple enough.
- Hmm.
Well, down here, it says that on the fourth day, God created the sun and stars.
Tell me, how could light exist before the sun and stars were created? Well, there's got to be an explanation.
(SNAPS FINGERS) And here it is.
- Probably God has lasers.
- (LASERS BLASTING) The Adam and Eve story.
I defy you to find even a single flaw with this.
It says that Adam lived to be 930 years old.
That's a big number, but you got to remember, this was before doctors, so cancer and that kind of stuff didn't exist yet.
Cain was married? How could Cain possibly have had a wife when the only other people in existence at the time were his parents and brother? Steve, guys like Cain always end up with the girl.
Scratch that still makes no sense.
Um, uh, might have to come back to that one.
The ark is filled with thousands upon thousands of animals.
How were each of them fed and tended to by just eight people? Uh And how did a dove return with an Olive leaf, when no Olive tree could possibly survive an apocalyptic flood? Oh, God, I don't know! And the ark a boat this size could never hold two of every animal.
The ark would have to be, like, the size of four baseball stadiums.
(CREAKING) - (COW MOOING) - (MONKEY HOOTING) No boat that's big! I'm drowning! I'm drowning in your logic! Oh, God, my faith.
Everything I believe, it's all crazy.
It's crazy baloney.
It's not crazy baloney because crazy baloney is real.
It's called pepperoni.
I don't know who I am anymore.
Without my faith, I'm I'm nothing.
That's not true.
- You're a husband, a father.
- That means nothing! Stan, maybe you don't need to be so literal with the Bible.
You know, a lot of people see it as a set of instructive fables.
Fables? You want me to base my entire life on a bunch of imaginary fairy tales? That would only make sense if I was imaginary.
The only problem is I'm real! I'm as real as crazy baloney! (SOBS) It's the end of the world! - I know.
- You heard, too? Kraft made their mac and cheese even cheesier.
I mean, I haven't tried it yet, but I'm almost certain it'll be too cheesy for me.
What?! No! - I lost my faith.
- Oh, that.
Stan, I've been telling you for years religion was a load of bull.
Why didn't you ever listen to me? No one likes to be ignored.
You hurt my feelings, but I suppose that's all in the past.
- I'm already over it! - Good for you.
Stan, wake up! (CLAPPING) Can't you see? Without the shackles of religion, you're free to do whatever you want.
Break a commandment, break all of 'em.
How will that help? Uh, pleasure ever heard of it? Ever grokked it? Pleasure is the road to happiness.
People talk about filling the void as if it's a bad thing.
It's actually full of nerve endings.
Okay, we'll start off small.
Sneak over to the neighbor's porch and steal the welcome mat.
I don't know, that kind of sounds like stealing.
And thou shalt not do it, but that's why it'll make you feel good.
(GIGGLING) Whoo, that did feel good.
Who needs God when you've got this welcome mat? Welcome mat's just the beginning.
We're gonna go way deeper.
- I watched you change - (GLASS BREAKS) - Into a fly - (ROOSTER CLUCKING) (SIREN WAILS) (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) - (TIRES SCREECH) - I looked away You were on fire (DOOR SLAMS) I watched a change (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) In you It's like you never Umm, what did you do with the basement? You scared Suck Boy Tony! Stan, you don't seem very happy.
(SIGHS) I tried everything to fill the void where my faith used to be.
I'm lost, Francine.
Everything is meaningless.
TONY: Have you tried meditating? Hey, Tony, that mouth's not for giving advice.
Have you seen dad? He's supposed to take me to an autograph session with Food & Wine magazine's Gail Simmons at Murray's Discount Auto Store.
Listen to me.
Your father's in really bad shape because of your big-shot ideas about the Bible.
So you need to find a way to restore his faith real fast.
Me? I don't know what to do.
You broke him, you fix him! Oh, and stay out of the basement.
The furnace has been making a moaning and wet slapping sound.
(THUNDER BOOMS) (KEYBOARD CLACKING) Okay, great.
I can just send him to one of these camps.
Oh.
These are, uh, gay conversion camps.
Wait a minute, is that Suck Boy Tony? (SCOFFS) They got their work cut out for them.
Dad? I've never seen him like this before.
He's just lying out there in the pouring rain.
- (THUNDER BOOMS) - The pouring rain! (KEYBOARD CLACKING) It's all meaningless.
There's no point to anything, not even breathing.
Last one.
(INHALES) (HARP MUSIC PLAYS) Hallelujah - Hallelujah - God? - Is that really you? - No, son.
I'm your brain cells dying.
You've now forgotten the word zebra.
- (SNAPS FINGERS) - Zebra? Big whoop.
I never heard that word in my life.
- (GASPS) - Dad, come inside.
I got something to show you.
Look! It's a gigantic ship in Korea.
- So? - And it's bigger than four baseball stadiums.
Like the ark.
Wait, is this real? We thought it was impossible, but here it is! So, the ark could be real, and if the ark's real, everything else just falls into place.
- Well - I can have my faith! I can have my faith again! Stan, you're back! Of course, I am, and better than ever.
- (LAUGHS) - Whoo! I was hopeless for so long, but now I can see that God was only testing the strength of my faith.
And you passed the test.
I did, so he revealed to me through his instrument, - Steve, the location of the new ark.
- Oh, no.
Family, be at peace, for we must get to the ark before the floods begin because I am the new Noah.
Stan? You've been depressed, and now you're just swinging too far in the other direction.
(DOG BARKING) Listen! It's a sign.
- It's a bark.
- Exactly.
B-ark! Just get rid of the "B.
" Ark! (GASPS) Wait! Bring the letter "B" back.
"B" on the ark.
Absolutely hilarious.
Sir, where have you been all these years? Hallelujah - Hallelujah - Lord, I shall go to Korea - Hallelujah - And carry out your grand design.
Look out, world! God and Stan are back together again! It's not official till you change your Facebook status! - Look, dad actually thinks he's Noah.
- Don't worry.
When he sees that his ark is just a liquefied natural gas ship, he'll snap out of it.
And go back to being the dad, husband, and paid killer for the U.
S.
government we all know and love.
What if this ark thing is real? He'll need two goldfish.
Do you think he'll choose me? Mm, I wouldn't.
Stan how's it going? You've just been smiling peacefully for 20 hours straight.
Well, why wouldn't I be smiling? Everyone's about to drown except us.
Hey, watch it, buddy! You watch it.
We have 40 tons of overalls to unload.
- Overalls? - Whoa.
You're into overalls, too? I've been looking for the perfect pair, but it's so hard to find the right TOGETHER: Chest pocket! Partner, follow my lead.
(WHISTLING) Come on, Jeff! (WHISTLING) - There's no cone to kick! - Just get in.
I'll explain on the way why a second cone isn't important.
There it is the ark.
What a sight! And the crescendo of emotions, and then, satisfied, we're ready to go back to the car.
Are you joking? No, we got to go on board.
Dad, I'm pretty sure they're not gonna let us do that.
MAN: Ahoy! Noah! We've been waiting for you! Hi, I'm Robert Kim with Daesong Heavy Industries.
I know it's kind of a shocker, but this actually is the ark.
God gave Daesong direct orders to rebuild it.
Well, then, what's the hold-up? Let's get on board.
Absolutely.
First, though, in order to get you ready for the flood, we need to train you.
Once again, you're one step ahead.
Sir, you can just follow these fine folks here, and we will get you set up.
You're a great man! Don't worry.
We know he's not a great man, and of course, of course this isn't the ark.
But you just and he Allow me to explain.
Daesong builds a lot of big ships, and each time we do, it attracts people - who have what is known as a Noah complex.
- Like my dad? Lunatics like your father can be a big nuisance, always sneaking on board, slithering around the engine room.
- So we came up with the Noah experience - (FANFARE PLAYS) designed to make people feel like they're living through the food.
They go through it, get it out of their systems, then everyone heads home happy and safely away from our very expensive ships.
Now if you'll follow me, we have a wonderful assortment of Pepperidge Farm cookies awaiting you in the family lounge.
Pepperidge Farm? Well, well, well.
(SMACKS LIPS) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) Who are these guys? Fellow ark seekers, like yourself.
So, who here is ready to start our holy adventure?! Look out! Here comes the storm! (THUNDER BOOMS) - Whoo-hoo! - Make it rain! - All right! - Yay! - Yeah! - All right! There's something about this I'm not buying.
Get your animals to their pens! Go to your pen, you striped horse! Hmm, got to admit that felt pretty Noah-y.
Now let's see if the flood waters have receded.
Hoo-ah! We survived the flood! It's over! We did it! Ark! - Pretty exciting.
- And it worked! - Yay! - Yeah! It weeded out all the fake Noahs.
- Aw, shit.
- Aw, shit.
So you're not over this? The whole experience was a sham! I mean, sure, the animatronics were incredible.
Yes, I had the time of my life, and without question, these are top-quality items Things I'm going to keep forever But still, I was lied to! Yeah, you shouldn't put up with that! I know let's go home, and you take a bunch of antipsychotic medication.
- That'll show 'em! - No! This is happening! The flood is coming, and we are going to be on that ark! Stan, come back! Time to do some Bible thumping! The Lord said to Noah There's gonna be a floody-floody The Lord said to Noah There's gonna be a floody-floody Get those children out of the muddy-muddy Children of the Lord The ark is ours! Stan, we got to go.
You just threw the whole crew in the ocean.
(LAUGHS) Good work, Stan! Hey, it just occurred to me.
There were never fish aboard the ark.
They stayed down in the water.
No, no! You dipshit, there are [BLEEP.]
sharks in there! (SPLASHING) - (CREAKING) - Mom, we got to get out of here! What?! This is our home for the next 40 days.
- Let's go check it out.
- (CLANK) Steve, this must be your room.
STEVE: Dad, this is a tank for liquefied natural gas.
And would you look at those vaulted ceilings! Perfect for all your Cheryl Tiegs posters! This is the room where the pipes are.
And this one is where the extra pipes are.
Oh, and this must be the main pipe room.
Pipes are very important on a ship.
Okay, here's the animals, but still no master bedroom.
- There are animals here.
- No way.
There has to be some logical explanation.
Ah, this manifest says these animals are from the Busan Zoo being transported to the National Zoo of Malaysia.
See? It all makes sense.
Not really.
Even that is weird.
Why would a zoo use a natural gas ship to transport animals? Because [(SING-SONG VOICE.]
we got overalls! (THUNDER BOOMS) It's happening! We didn't miss nothing.
Stan's still insane! We have to set sail now! Stop! Think for a second! Are you really about to steal a boat of animals and sail off into the ocean? Listen, I know everything at this moment must look crazy to you.
For the last thousand moments.
But I'm asking you, all of you, to take this leap with me, to have some faith.
I'm staying.
Steve, do you really think this is the ark? Look, t-there's a lot of weird stuff going on that I can't explain.
But you have faith.
Yeah, but it's faith in you 'cause you're Dad.
- Well, that's stupid.
- Thanks, Son.
Francine? Well, I've seen one miracle today.
You've given Steve some faith.
That's enough to make me stay.
Plus, I'd like to pet the Alpaca I saw.
Hayley? What do you say, baby girl? No way! This is beyond crazy.
I'll see you when the police haul you in.
(THUNDER BOOMS) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING, EXPLOSIONS) Start the damn boat! (LIGHTNING CRASHES) (SCREAMING) Stan, I'm scared! Don't worry, after every ending is a new beginning! Okay! Please, slow down! I'll never catch up! I'll die out here! (GASPS) My bowl! (SPLASH) I'll ride out the flood in my own ark! Kiss my ass, Stan, you crazy dick head! (GASPS)