American Dad s12e16 Episode Script

1 Previously on American Dad I lost my faith.
Look! It's a gigantic ship in Korea! Like the ark.
We must get to the ark before the floods begin, because I am the new Noah.
- (chittering) - Okay, here's the animals.
(electricity buzzing, people screaming) (explosion, glass shatters) Start the damn boat! Thank you, Lord.
You saved us! I'll never question you again! (thunder crashes) Why me, Lord?! Why me?! - (thunder crashes) - What good is faith when God treats you like this?! Why me, Lord?! You speak every language! Why are you talking to me in thunder? (thunder crashes) Why me?! - Stan? - Can't sleep? Well, you're screaming at God and kicking me.
Are you starting to worry that we're floating on a giant time bomb filled with natural gas? Oh, yeah, I'm really scared about being on a boat full of farts.
Well, since we're both up - (thud) - The flood really happened, Francine.
We're the only people left in the world.
Did everyone else deserve to drown? Grumpy cat, the Muppets? You're telling me Daniel Tosh has to die, but I get to live?! So, are we doing it? Or did I shave my legs with a tuna can lid for nothing? I'm sorry, I I can't.
Why not? You used to complain that you couldn't get in the mood because of the hustle and bustle of the modern world.
Now what is it? Hey, it's not like you've been popping boners everywhere! How can you even think of sex at a time like this? It's easy.
We're having sex right now.
Uh, are we? Would everybody shut up?! You guys got it good.
I don't even had someone to sex it to.
The only women around here are my mom and sister.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
(laughter) (laughs) You said it, Stan.
(patriotic music plays) Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! (thunder crashes) This boat is hell! I wish I died in the flood! Steve, obviously, we all wish we were dead.
What is everyone complaining about? This boat is the best! Don't you think all your friends would love to be here with you? If they could see you now And all this fun that you've found But they surely can't Because they've all drowned Mostly corpses on the ocean bed They'd die of jealousy But they're already dead But if they could See you now out on this party boat cruise Living the life and huffing diesel fumes The only thing that we have to do Is watch the temperature gauge and make it stay in the blue (laughing) Check out this petting zoo.
Wow! And this one's all you can eat Ever had giraffe soup.
Pow! You're in for a treat What a fun ship, holy cow When you have to poop, be sure you do it over the bow Climbing walls There's just so much to do And free blankets Wait, that's a dead kangaroo This boat's the cat's meow.
Meow! If your friends could see you now Jeff, what are you doing here? Who's watching the temperature gauge?! - (screaming) - (explosion) Stan, you remembered to tie down those loose barrels, right? I think we have bigger things to worry about.
Francine! I forget to secure one measly barrel, and my Roger, find the others and get in the life boat! I don't see anyone! You know, it's too bad the rest of the family couldn't be saved, but I am not hating this leg room right now.
Quick, grab any supplies you can! I got some water and a box of canned food.
Check it out! I got a Keurig And a wolf! (snarls) (screaming) This is my fault! I'm a screw-up! Hey, help me up.
Oh, man! Look at this.
I'm screwing up right now.
I'm not helping you at all! Well, I need your help now! Unbelievable, I'm doing it again! I'm the worst husband ever.
I don't deserve you.
Just let me go.
You're better off without me.
(grunting) (flute music playing) A woman cast adrift, washes ashore on an island paradise.
Her mind blown clean by tropical island breezes.
Or maybe it was her massive concussion.
The point is, her mind has been erased and now she is as innocent as a child who might have brain damage.
But enough doctor talk.
Just listen to the wonderful flute music.
(flute music continues) But she is not alone.
A man His mind also dulled to a childlike state.
Two that used to be so close now made strangers by tropical breezes and/or definitely head wounds.
Will they rediscover their lost romance? Or will they eat each other? For those are the two paths of Flute Island! (flute music plays) Before man and woman can learn to love, they must learn to survive.
Spear fishing takes patience, focus, and cunning.
For to draw your food from the sea is an art that Oh, he's already got one.
But his amateur thrashing has alerted his remaining prey.
There will be no second fish.
Oh, man! He is gonna get so sick of fish.
But nature strives for balance.
On one side of the island is unearned abundance.
On the other, a scarcity.
(panting) If she cannot produce fire by nightfall, she will surely di how in the? As predicted.
Why the hell did you bore holes into the crate we were floating on?! They were speed holes to help us float to safety faster.
The only thing we're gonna do faster is die.
I know it was a mistake, and that's why I'm vowing to make a change, babe.
For the next 30 to 40 minutes before we drown, you're gonna see a brand-new Jeff.
First, no more red meat.
Second, I'm gonna exercise more.
Third, I'm gonna taper off smoking weed until it's just a little puff before a silly movie or something (louder) unless I have a friend visiting, then I can smoke as much as I want, 'cause that's being a good host.
Jeff, do you know why you're shouting? 'Cause of that damn helicopter! (wolf snarling) I feel like you're in a bad mood, Steve.
Is this still about the wolf eating all the food rations? He can't help himself.
He's a wolf.
I know he's a wolf! Why would you bring him on to the boat?! The wolf is great.
(snarls) No way we're getting robbed with this guy aboard.
You're the worst! You're unhelpful, you're unreliable, and you're the last person I would want to share a lifeboat with! I can't believe you feel this way.
(sighs) Well, then Goodbye, Steve.
You want someone helpful at sea, then I'm your man.
The name's Buck Wett-Nap, survivalist.
Okay.
I once survived four days in a Del Taco parking lot, extracting life-saving nutrients from puddles and bird shit.
Why didn't you just go into the Del Taco? I'm a Taco Bell man.
As beautiful as this paradise is, it is equally treacherous.
Aaah! (hisses) Aaah! She admires his muscles, his strong features, and the way sweat collects under this nipples.
Mmm! That's nice, too.
As with Adam and Eve, so the serpent sparks the sexuality.
Well, now there's barf on the beach.
So, the world didn't end.
Well, then I'm gonna need your help finding my family so that I can kill my father.
(chuckles) That's a story I'd like to hear, but we're very busy.
This is the U.
S.
Navy.
Everybody on this ship has a clear job to do and a purpose.
Whoa.
Whoa, indeed.
Mr.
Captain, I'm tired of being a screw-up.
I'd like to join your Navy.
What?! (chuckles) The Navy isn't something you can just ask to join.
You also have to sign this form.
Welcome to the Navy.
Our deal is we're in charge of the ocean.
Oh, and we have our own special color blue.
It's so dark it's nuts, you won't believe it almost a black.
This concludes your training.
(ominous music plays) Check it out, Steve, it's like peeling an orange in one piece.
- (snarls) - (screaming) I thought you were supposed to be some sort of survivalist.
I am.
And not one of those fake survivalists on TV.
I have a web series idea.
Why don't I use our supplies here and catch us some fish.
That would be amazing! And now all we have to do is wait.
I like to pass the time in survival situations by playing Candy Crush.
You have a phone?! Of course! A lot of people don't realize that boredom is the greatest danger when lost at sea.
Have you tried calling anyone? I keep it on airplane mode.
That's a survival tip for your battery.
Hmm.
Would you mind if we waited till the next billing cycle? I only get four minutes a month.
It's a plan for seniors.
Just call someone! You're right, you're right.
Should I call Klaus or my friend Tiffany? Tiffany isn't speaking to me, might not pick up.
Klaus! (beep) Oh, yeah, I'm alive barely, man.
My 20-hour flight from Korea didn't serve a single meal.
So, I guess there wasn't a biblical catastrophe.
Well, not until Delta gets my harshly worded complaint letter.
Heads are gonna roll, bro.
Get to the part where you tell him we're stranded in the middle of the ocean.
So, Klaus, we're stuck in the Atlantic Pacific! Nerd.
Anyway, we're in the middle of an ocean.
We are not by the edges, so you don't have to check there.
Just look in the middle-ish area.
And we've got a wolf, so no rush.
Oh, battery's dead.
(splash) I can't believe you wasted our one chance to get rescued! Well, don't be angry.
Let's pull up our fishing net and have some breakfast.
Hmm.
I guess I was supposed to tie one end to the boat.
This is the stuff we would edit out of the web series.
(flute music plays) Oon-gak.
Oon-gak? Oon-gak.
Oon-gak! I think "oon-gak" is their word for coconut.
Emboldened by primal feelings, she makes a daring move.
And the man, feeling nature's throb Runs away? Are are you kidding me? Flute Island? More like Blue Ball island.
(bells clanging) (flute music plays) The simple wonders of nature are quite breathtaking.
But I am not the only one enjoying the view.
Something inside her stirs.
(breathing heavily) She knows that she should look away, but she cannot.
Oon-gak.
I am rock hard.
(rock music plays) Petty Officer Fischer? - Morning, sir! - How are you feeling? Amazing, sir.
I finally have a purpose.
(chuckles) That's great.
But you should know you're doing a terrible job.
You're just supposed to be mopping the deck.
Why don't you come up to the bridge? You can be my spotter.
Thank you, sir! (jet approaches) (tires screech) (splash) Oh, was that my fault? I don't know.
Are you the guy waving the [bleep.]
things?! I spy with my little eye something that is white and red and black.
My sun blisters.
Bingo! You're great at this, Steve.
- I'm dying.
- You're just thirsty.
The human body can only survive three days without water.
That's why in a pinch, just drink salt water.
That's the worst thing you can do! Salt water just makes you more dehydrated.
Because people don't drink enough.
There's a tipping point when the delicious water overwhelms the harmful salt.
Here, I'll show you.
Tipping point, here I come! (gulping) (gulps) I feel incredible! It burns so good! Catch up, Steve! Roger, you're scaring me.
(gulping) I'm so close to the tipping point.
No one's ever done it right.
They've always given up because the sea madness makes them kill their shipmates.
(whimpers) (sighs) Lifeboat's getting pretty cluttered.
Tomorrow, we're gonna have to throw some stuff in the sea.
Lot of things are gonna have to go into the sea.
Oh, time for bed.
Nighty-night.
Um, it it it it's noon.
You're lucky the moon's blinded me, Steve, or I'd sock you right in the nose.
(whimpers) - (flute music plays) - Surely, this is the moment where their love will finally bloom.
(snoring) Are they serious? Right to sleep? I can't take this anymore! (footsteps approaching) There we go.
(footsteps receding) Ah.
That should get the ball rolling.
(both moaning) And as the two lovers remembered what nature has always known, the narrator took a break to do something that is also natural, something he needed both hands for.
(horse whinnies) Ah, the horse gets it.
Okay, I see a bird, lots of water And a wave.
Ooh, I see a cool cloud.
Great work, Fischer.
Captain, what is it with you and this man? I have to ask, is he your illegitimate child? (chuckles) I fear he is.
You know how hard I go in port, and he looks a lot like a woman that (shudders) I used to pay to step on my balls.
The wolf and I have been talking.
Well, he's been talking, I've been listening.
We think you're plotting against us.
W-what happened to the wolf? He found out my secret! Do you want to hear my secret? No.
Okay.
(growling) (both screaming) Stop, Roger! Just stop! Aaaaah! Steve, something happened.
I think I have something, sir! Hayley: Steve! Hayley! Well, we came together and made it as a team, Steve.
Looks like the person you'd least like to be stuck on a lifeboat with just saved your life.
Listen to me jabbering on.
I'm in the middle of a big bike race.
On your left! All right, back to our mission.
Operation destroy all the islands.
(chuckles) Too many islands.
Prepare to fire! Sir, wait! I believe there are some young lovers on the island.
- Really? - I want to see! - Me first! - Men, have you forgotten you are officers in the United States Navy? Act like it! It's ladies first to watch the dirty beach sex.
Oh, my God! They are really going at it.
Oh, my God! My parents are alive! Let's just confirm That it's really them.
Babe? What? (flute music plays) They were cut off from everything in the world, but they fell in love with the world they had.
(gasps) Oon-gak.
Oon-gak.
(moaning) Oh, they're ready to go again.
And we wait on tenterhooks to see if he does it in the brown.
(rumbling) Ooh You have kids.
- Mom, Dad! - Mom, Dad! Oh, yeah.
We have kids.
Your boobs are out.
So, the world didn't end, and I'm not Noah.
Sorry, guys.
It's okay, dad.
We're all together again, and that's what matters.
We're off the island.
Fire away, sir.
(rocket launches) Oh, no! Don't they know our dear narrator is still on Fl (flutes play, stop) I think we both know there's always been something there between us.
Well, now we have the whole house all to ourselves.
- (door opens) - She told me she was 18! Hmm.
Oh, gross Riesling.
(gulping) So, we're supposed to go back to our normal life and And everything's just how it was before? Yeah, honey.
What's wrong with that? Well, what was all this for? All this stuff happened, and I don't even know what it means! It means Oon-gak.
Oon-gak.
Uh, what does "oon-gak" mean? It kind of means Coconut.
(both moaning) Ugh, there was barely any salt in that Riesling.
I was dangerously hydrated.
(gulping) Aaaah! Stop, Roger, just stop! Aaaaah!