American Dad s14e03 Episode Script

The Census of the Lambs

1 I don't know about you guys, but I can't just get right back in the car after a "Law & Order" Fest.
Too much adrenaline.
Let's download.
Best and worst.
Best meeting Bobby the Body, the guy who played 19 different murder victims.
Worst finding out one of them was the cocktail waitress I so publicly gushed over.
[Dramatic tone plays.]
Wrong! Trick question.
"Law & Order" Fest has no worst thing.
It's all best.
Hayley, best? I met Ice-T.
Ooh! Great best.
And best? Well, Ice-T and I bonded while waiting in line for a Pulled Pork from the Headlines sandwich.
[Dramatic tone plays.]
Wrong! That's still just meeting Ice-T.
- That's one thing.
- Well, we really connected.
I told him about my passion for women's rights, and he confided in me that he's really good at sex.
You wasted your fest.
Check out what I got.
A poster of every actor who played a judge on the show, signed by the three of them who now work at the convention center.
That's just one thing, too.
Of the 87 things I did.
88 if you count stealing the clarinet played in the opening credits, which I do.
[Clarinet note plays.]
I heard it! Play it again, you coward! I'm not a coward, Francine.
Then let's blow it together, outlaw.
[Both moaning.]
Every year.
Good morning, U.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
Aah! Good morning, U.
Isn't it funny how some days there's no mail, and other days, there's a whole bunch? [Laughing uncontrollably.]
Stan, are you being mean to me right now? I don't know, Francine, that's not for me to judge.
The Census form! It's here, it's here, I've waited 10 years The Census is finally here Throw up a window and let out a cheer And now my family sings Really? You guys aren't gonna sing the Census song? Aren't you excited about the Census? I think Steve has forgotten what the "Stensus" even is.
Oh, boy.
Well, do you want to explain it to him, or should I? You better do it, Stan.
I'm too upset with this one.
Every 10 years, America takes off its shirt and flexes its muscles to show the world how swole it is.
Stan, Hayley seems a bit confused.
Let's step that out a bit for her.
The Census is about counting how many people live in America.
The number of people, Hayley.
The United States has the biggest population of any country in the Western world.
The Western world, Hayley.
Look it up.
And every 10 years, we find out how big we are.
Then we rub it in everyone's face.
Stan, you seem really passionate.
You're reading me correctly, Francine.
So you probably already realize I'm gonna be an enumerator.
Oh, those are the people that go door to door and do the counting, right? People? No! They're heroes, patriots.
Enumerators are the best of the best, the only ones who truly earn the right to call themselves "top gun.
" Okay, but to be clear, this is a job, right? Because I could use a job.
Yeah, it's a job for motivated individuals like myself.
Not for lazy Hayleys like you.
You spent six hours at a "Law & Order" Fest and only counted one person Ice-T.
I wasn't trying to count people.
"I wasn't trying to count people.
" Do you think that's something an enumerator has ever said in their life? No! Narrator: All right, Dadders, we learned a lot of stuff in this scene.
I hope you were taking detailed notes 'cause this is a pop quiz! Who is excited about counting people? Is it "A," Stan, "B," the mom, "C," little glasses guy, or "D," the lady Stan's been arguing with? What? What? It's just I never noticed it before, Steve, but you have incredible bone structure.
Klaus! You're making me turn shy.
I'm just trying to pass through the living room.
Sorry, but I've been looking at everything differently since my uncle died and left me his Hasselblad camera.
Would you be interested in modeling for me? Modeling for you? I don't know.
It was my only uncle, Steve.
And the odds of my grandparents crapping out a new uncle are pretty low at this point.
Do you think I could just take a few shots of you with his camera? I guess.
Great! Snot and the boys are also in.
You spoke to my friends without me? Yeah, at Toshi's birthday party.
Not the one you went to.
The more exclusive one at Benihana.
Our parents dropped us off, and we paid the check ourselves.
Wow, we even completed a Census right after World War I.
Gosh, when the war ends, you think you're done being a hero.
Francine would probably want to know this.
Don't touch me.
But it's about the Census, Francine! Everything's about your stupid Census! Stan, your enumerator training starts tomorrow.
Put down your pamphlet and go to sleep.
You're right, you're right.
You know what? I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick.
Famous Census alumni.
Whoa, Sidney Poitier? Guess who's counting two dinners? Francine, did you hear that one? Roger: I heard, Stan! The attic loved it! Through this door, giants, square jaws, stiff collars, brave hearts pumping thick red blood through strong American veins.
God, I'm getting a boner.
They'll understand, though.
They'll see it as a sign of respect.
Whoo! Enumerators! Mount up! What is this? What am I looking at here? Stan, you're here for the Census? Yeah, did it switch rooms? No, you're in the right place.
Hey, get this.
I'm the foreman! That means I'm in charge.
Me! Tuttle! But Census enumerators are are hard-charging broncos.
All these people, they're losers.
That woman's wearing a sweatshirt with a wolf on it.
How's she gonna count America? Do I see a bald man with a ponytail? I don't get it either.
This is a disaster! This guy? Look at her.
Him? And I hate to do this, but I got to double back to my boy! Guess I'm just gonna have to count everyone myself.
Hayley: Just the ones I don't get to, chump.
That's right.
Lazy Hayley joined the Census, and now she's gonna crank some numbers.
Yeah, right.
You're gonna crank numbers? That sounds really cool.
I wish I wish I said that.
I did say it.
I'm the one who's gonna crank numbers.
You're not gonna crank shit, old man.
Old man? Oh, ho, ho.
I'm gonna crank all sorts of numbers.
Yeah? Well, I'm gonna crank your whole world.
I'm gonna crank it up, I'm gonna crank it down.
I'm gonna crank it all around.
I'm gonna roast you for Cranksgiving dinner and then roll right into Christmas with the Cranks! Not gonna matter 'cause I'm the New York Crankees.
I'm Crank Aaron.
I'm Crank Azaria.
I'm Cranklin and Bash.
"Franklin & Bash" was canceled.
That's disappointing.
I know, I really liked it.
- You shouldn't be here.
- You're just scared because I'm gonna count so many more people than you.
You couldn't even count as many as this lobotomized half-wit Jim here.
Jim, can you believe what I have to deal with here? Jim, I've been calling you "Jim.
" Is that Is that your name, Jim? Now listen up.
During a Census, things can get pretty hot and heavy out on the streets.
Beautiful Americans will be throwing themselves at you.
Now, I'm not saying don't get your rocks off, but here's a little piece of advice I wish someone had given me, Tuttle, before I juiced an entire city block.
Do not fall in love.
[Door creaks.]
Look what you dragged in with you, Hayley.
My doctor recommended I volunteer to get over my crippling social anxiety.
How's my eye contact? Stan: Sit down! So, what are what are you, like a "Rain Man" shy guy? Some kind of "Lovely Bones"? Or are you just giving Jim here a run for his money for troglodyte of the year? [Chuckles.]
You better go tell the other bog people there's a new king of the creeps in town, huh? Jimbo! [Laughs.]
[Pop music plays.]
Remember, gentlemen.
These pictures are to honor my late uncle's incredible life.
Klaus, why are we dressed like flowers? Because you're in a flower pot, baby.
Doesn't some lady already take photos like this, but with babies? Are you referring to Anne Geddes? Never heard of her, and models don't talk! [Snaps fingers.]
About that, when you said models, we thought you meant something cool like Abercrombie or Stussy.
Or model airplanes.
Do you see this, Jurgen? Yeah.
Uh, you know what? Everyone get out.
Take five.
Thank you.
- Except Barry.
- Wait, what? All non-essentials please clear frame.
Now, Barry, do you know what "Barry" is short for? Barracuda, baby! Now bite me like the scary fish you are! [Camera shutter clicking.]
Okay, we're gonna run a little training exercise to learn how to fill out forms.
Hayley, why don't you knock on this citizen's door? Knock, knock.
There's someone at your door, Mr.
But I don't know who it is.
Maybe look who it is.
It's a girl.
I'm gonna slide some taffy through the doggy door.
Enough! [Grunts.]
One! That's how you count people.
Training's over.
[Robot voice.]
Initiate people-counting robot.
No count Jim.
Jim equals subhuman garbage.
Lighten up, Jim.
Just a robot joke.
[Normal voice.]
You should be dead, Jim.
[Doorbell rings.]
[Pen clicks.]
How many people live here? - Me and my mom.
- So two.
- My dad - Three.
- died.
- Two.
You wasted my time a little bit.
Hi, I'm with the U.
I just need a brief moment of your time.
Of course.
Come on in.
I was just about to make some tea.
I really can't.
I have a lot of houses to get to.
I have some ancient Clamatos I've been saving.
My name is Wilbur.
Roger? [Gulping.]
You're really packing away this Clamato.
Oh, yeah.
So, it's just you living in this beautiful old house? Yep.
Lived here 40 years.
Seen a lot of people come and go.
You know, I could use some help.
I knocked on the house two doors down, but no one answered.
Oh, that's Shelly Vernicheck.
Sad, really.
Husband up and left her years ago.
Now she sits at home playing solitaire on her iPad.
She's internationally ranked as one of the loneliest women in the world.
Biscotti? Oh, hey, Hayley.
Quick update.
I'm just leaving my 15th house.
Probably a record Googled it.
But seems like people might not be keeping records, but safe to say my pace is historic.
Wow, that's a lot.
I spent all morning at one house.
Ha! No surprise.
My slug of a daughter slowly sliming her way around town.
- Where - Don't touch salt.
I met a nice woman named Phyllis who gave me 20 other houses.
Whoa! That house looks cool.
Cool because I haven't counted it yet.
I'ma count a bunch of mother[bleep.]
in here.
[Doorbell rings.]
[Door creaks.]
Stan Smith, Census enumerator.
Prepare to be counted.
Hey, Mr.
Here are my forms from yesterday.
I got 25 houses.
25? Wow! That's the best anybody did.
So I beat my dad? Yeah.
By 25, to be exact.
I'm being playful.
He didn't turn anything in.
Never even came back.
And he wasn't at home.
What's weird is that I've been rocking in the corner for six hours and no one's said a word to me.
Well, when we try to talk to you, you just start screaming and punching yourself in the [Screaming.]
Where am I? In the pit! Are we prisoners here? Yep! [Dramatic tones play.]
My name's Kevin! Let me give you the tour.
Okay, did you look everywhere I looked? Then you must've seen this handsome gent.
That's Robbie, and you just missed Rich and Carl.
Robbie's grumpy 'cause we have to poop in that smaller pit over there, but I stay positive, probably 'cause this isn't my first pit.
I was imprisoned in Madison, Indiana, once.
Beautiful Craftsman, huge porch.
Of course I wasn't allowed up on the porch, but I saw it when I was carried out in a blanket.
Who did this to you? That would be the master.
Who's the master? The master's the psycho who just skinned Rich and Carl.
Skinned? Same way we're gonna be.
Robbie, don't you realize when you're at the bottom of a pit, there's nowhere to go except for the punishment shed but up? [Pop music plays.]
Klaus: Yes, yes, Barry! You're a delicious cabbage.
Mmm-mmm-mmm! I want to ferment you and make kimchi! Not to sound catty, but don't you hate the way Barry looks? Yeah, he's our ugliest friend, easy.
I want to shred you up real good and spread you over some fish tacos.
Is there anything you can't be? I don't know.
A carrot? Are you kidding me? You would be the best carrot.
Steve, get out of that carrot costume! Kiss-ass bitch.
Surprised Barry can even talk with Klaus' [bleep.]
in his mouth.
I'm so sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for my dad.
He was out late last night working in the area, and he never came home.
Never seen him before.
Maybe your wife has? Maybe my husband has.
Of course.
Could I speak with him? I wish! He just up and left me a month ago, not even a note.
God, did you have to bring him up?! Husband just up and left.
Like Shelly Vernicheck! Oh, glad you're excited.
Well, every day is agony for me! I'm sorry.
I-I didn't mean Oh, don't you dare pity me.
I'll show you! I'll find another man! I haven't even begun looking in earnest, but guess what Now it begins! I am going to have sex tonight on the outdoor dance floor at the Blue Rooster! Next to the smoking area.
[Laughs maniacally.]
I'm back, baby! It's not just Shelly Vernicheck.
Lots of the women, and men, I talked to have had their husbands go missing.
- [Dramatic tone plays.]
- I did think it was strange when Jasper left.
We were best friends.
I thought he would've at least left a note.
Ma'am, ma'am? You know, you should talk to Darlene McKinnon.
Same thing happened to her.
Man, first Jasper, now this.
The hits just keep on coming.
- [Dramatic tone plays.]
- Yeah, that S.
up and left me, so what? Just gives me more time to golf anyway.
I'm a lady golfer.
That is what I enjoy doing.
By the way, same thing happened to my buddy Joanne Graves.
She lives at 20 Poplar Avenue.
Usually gets home around, uh, 2:46 p.
- [Dramatic tone plays.]
- [Brakes squeal.]
- Excuse me.
- Aah! Did your husband leave you? Yes, why? Do you know something? Have you heard from him?! Sorry, I can't talk.
I have to go put a pin in a map.
There's a pattern here.
But what? Must be a pretty special house to have all those arrows pointing at it.
You know, your father shaves his pubic hair in the shape of an arrow.
Oh, I did it again.
I said something helpful, and I went past it.
[Knock on door.]
What can you tell me about that house? Which house? That weird house on the hill.
My dad is missing, and I think it has something to do with that house, but I knocked on the door and no one answered, and you know everything about the neighborhood and I just Honey, take a breath.
Come inside, dear.
I'll fix you a Clamato, and we'll figure this out together.
Phyllis, didn't you say you were the only one living here? That's right.
Then why do you have two hats on your coat rack? And blueprints for a man skin-suit? [Thunk, thud.]
I can't have two hats? [Pop music plays.]
I feel like I've seen something like this done before.
No, no, it's all original.
These are fresh ideas, obviously, Barry.
Can you lean in a little? I want to match the image I have in my mind.
What a shutter slut.
You're right, Tosh.
Barry is a fat, talentless whore.
But don't worry, he's about to get his.
Let's just say I made a couple calls.
[Pounding on door.]
Oh, no, it's Anne Geddes! Jurgen, protect me! [Sniffs.]
[Deep voice.]
I smell copyright infringement.
Anne, Anne, please! We'll give you a 10% licensing fee! Not enough! [Screaming.]
Don't hurt me, Anne Geddes! I'm just a baby! You forgot one thing.
I hate babies! [All gasp.]
[Barry screaming.]
[Anne grunting.]
Phyllis: You say Clamato, I say Clam-ah-to Clamato, Clam-ah-to Clamato, Clam-ah-to Let's take the whole skin off Where am I? Hayley, you're awake.
I'm sorry I was so rough on you.
Well, I may have gotten a little competitive and tried to ruin your strange love of the Census.
It's not strange, and Francine loves it more than I do.
Between you and me, I think she takes it a little too far.
Well, we're together now.
Yeah, dying in a pit with a really annoying guy.
Named Kevin.
[Footsteps approaching.]
Oh, no, she's back.
She's gonna turn my nipples into buttons.
All that time we spent counting people we should've spent with the people that count.
Ice-T: Damn, that's poetic.
What up, Hayley? - Ice-T?! - Ice-T?! I got worried when you didn't respond to an interesting text I sent you about sharks.
Used my TV detective skills to find you, and it's a good thing, too.
Sick old lady was gonna turn you into a skin suit.
Was working on a whole skin suit wardrobe.
Skin blouse, skin slacks, and a pair of skin sunglasses she couldn't even see out of.
Fly as hell, though.
Tried them on after I kicked her to death.
Dad, I know we're not competing anymore, but my friend! I saved us! Stan, there's also the matter of the clarinet.
The clarinet, of course! So you're mainly here for me! - I'm the hero! - Kevin: Good job, Stan! Thanks, Kevin.
Hey, Kevin, have you met Ice-T? Oh, my God, Ice-T! I just got to say "Cop Killer" is my absolutely favorite song.
It got me through boarding school.
Boarding school is corny.
Bye-bye! See you soon.

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