American Dad s14e04 Episode Script

Shell Game

1 [Birds chirping.]
Right now, the height of bird-watching season, there's no place I'd rather be, buddy.
Hundred percent, pal.
Klaus invited me to his black-belt ceremony today.
Told him to stuff it.
Whoa! A common brown-breasted brownbird! You think that's cool? Check your six! Two common brown-breasted brownbirds! And coming in slow from the east, eight more CBBBs! And a crow! And a blue Jay! And a Russian spy satellite falling through the atmosphere! It struck a blimp! The blimp is out of control! The blimp is careening towards the power plant! [Tapping.]
Birds, Steve.
A pigeon! [Boom!.]
A scarlet tanager! The one we've been waiting for.
Truly a precious moment.
What the Is that man stealing those bird eggs? Quick, we have to follow him! Something terrible is happening here! Both: Bird-watchin' buddies Take it slow 'cause they're the bird-watchin' buddies And you know that wherever they go They gon' be watchin' dem birds! [Dramatic music plays.]
There he is! [Dramatic music plays.]
Oh, my God.
What's going on here? Oh, my God.
I frickin' sat on an anthill again.
There are ants all over me.
There are literally ants going in and out of my dang mouth.
Is there even one on you? Those weirdos inside are really into eggs, though, huh? Good morning, U.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
Aah! Good morning, U.
[Sirens wail.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
Armed robbery in progress at the Bobby Freeze! This damn five-eight-eight bit me, Sarge! You're gonna need a shot, piggy! [Chomping.]
He's got a gun! Get down! - [Screaming.]
- Run! - I want my lawyer! - Drop the gun now! - And I want my wife back! - I will put you down, man! I swear to God, I will put you down! We saw a man steal a bird egg.
Get the [bleep.]
out of here! Are you [bleep.]
crazy? Get the [bleep.]
out! And I think we'll need to talk to your superior about that language.
His language was even more offensive than that other man's.
Where are good citizens supposed to go to report egg-related crimes? Oh, you boys got an egg problem? Go to the Oology Department at Groff College.
Ask for Professor Elizabeth Hadley.
She helped me identify a strange egg I found on the bus.
It was a Cadbury egg.
Thank you.
You've been a very helpful prostitute.
Prostitute?! How dare you! I was doing insider trading! And I got that on tape.
You no-good kids set me up! Wait'll I get my hands on you! We gotta get out of this police station! Ooh, two for one on Jalapeño Beefers.
That'd be a filling snack for Steve and his friends after an afternoon of roller-blading.
[Snaps fingers.]
Clip it.
$1 off Bongiovanni brand spaghetti sauce.
"Zesty Italian" flavor.
What if I bought this sauce? It's a good deal.
And it might taste good.
"Zesty"? It sounds a little wild.
But I like your old sauce with the ketchup and the apple slices.
I've made my decision.
We're trying the sauce.
[Stan and Klaus scream.]
and then, he held up the egg and all the other men had eggs, too.
Tell her about the ants, Steve.
I'm not going to! It's good you came to me.
The man you saw is Commodore Francis Stoat.
He leads a secret society of hoarders who illegally collect endangered bird eggs.
They call themselves the Order of the Hand and Nest.
People collect eggs? I want to show you both something.
Boy, people collect everything these days.
My cousin Ira collects the panties of the different women he's slept with.
Isn't that dirty? I think it's so dirty.
Do you think that's a good idea for a cousin, Steve? [Vault door clanks.]
The Groff College Egg Collection.
We have to keep it under such tight security because of the Order of the Hand and Nest.
They're always trying to sneak in here.
Just ask our air-conditioning repairman.
He knows.
[British accent.]
It's appalling.
Exactly Wait! You're not our air-conditioning repairman! That's our air-conditioning repairman! Ha-ha! Damn it! That's what I was talking about! It's why I've formed a group of volunteer egg protectors.
It's our goal to thwart the Order o Wait a minute.
We don't even have air conditioning! Ha-ha! Why are these people so into eggs?! I mean, they're just eggs.
Everyone should be into eggs.
Nature's most elegant structure.
In here, all life begins, and all life ends.
I believe we go back into an egg when we die, but where I choose to protect the eggs, the Order desires only to collect them.
They have the egg madness! Egg madness? The overwhelming desire to possess an egg.
It's latent in all of us.
The more we're around eggs, the more we're likely to snap.
I keep it under control, though.
I still don't get it.
I don't get it, either.
I don't get how I ever lived without these wonderful, wonderful eggs! Son of a bitch.
I got the egg madness, y'all! [Gong sounds.]
Ah, yes, the ceremonial gong I got from ZGallery has been banged.
[Polite applause.]
The Order of the Hand and Nest is happy to welcome a new member.
Sinjin St.
John, retired maritime lawyer and avid egg collector.
"Avid" is a similar-sounding word to "ovum," which means egg.
That was the joke.
[Loud laughter.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
I have an egg.
Would you like to see it? You read my mind.
Well, would you look at that.
I'm in hog heaven over here.
[Gong sounds.]
A second gong? Is that rare? - No, it happens every meeting.
- Ohh.
Well, it still feels like I should be right in front! Behold the egg of the loggerhead shrike.
Let the de-yolking commence! [Clicks.]
[Light tapping.]
Nice and easy.
Real careful-like.
I know! Eyes on the egg! Don't get distracted! [Squelch!.]
The egg is collected.
All: Ohh.
I know you all probably need a second to reload, but I can go again.
Not a brag, just a fact.
Zesty Italian.
It's Bongiovanni brand.
Just give it a try.
[Knife scrapes.]
Lot of herbs in there.
I'll throw it away.
No, no, no.
No, no.
Be still.
Good sauce, Ma.
Real good.
It's got some kick to it.
Oh! Some "cogliones"! - Mmm! - Mmm! It's getting hot and zesty in here! By God, I love this woman! Don't you muss my hair, you big, dumb gorilla! I am a man and you are a woman! Wow.
Your parents are so in love.
I'm hearing this from you? You don't know if you're coming or going! Get a job! Ugh! So help me, I love this man! Mmm.
Mmm! Great eggs, everybody! Did you Did you drive here? Am I supposed to go? Or are we gonna after party? So it's true.
You joined the Order.
Oh! Steve, you just missed everyone, you goose! I saw them.
I saw everything.
Through the window.
You should have tapped on the glass.
I would have passed you a deviled egg.
They were so good.
Though I've never had a bad one.
- I'm mad at you, Roger! - What?! These are the bad guys.
They steal eggs from birds! You used to care about birds.
And I still do.
Birds are great.
Don't forget, birds are where the eggs come from.
Yes, but don't also don't forget, eggs are where the birds come from.
Who cares about birds?! We did.
Come on, Roger, the tanagers are still in the meadow.
I won't just sit back and let you get away with stealing eggs.
I don't care about your threats, Steve.
I've got egg madness.
I'll do anything for an egg.
What do you want me to do? Kiss a man? I'll do it! The madness drives me to do it, Steve! Get off my property! Commodore! [Bird chirping.]
I'm thrilled you want to join the noble army of bird defenders, Steve.
Without further ado, I give you the Egg Protectors.
Your water heater is smoking! We almost died! Steve, I'd like to introduce you to I already know these people.
Hi, Mr.
Tuttle, Mr.
Hooper, Buckle.
So, like I said, we're a noble army of Hello, Steve! I'm sorry, he said hello, - and where I come from - Shut up! There's no time! We have to stop the Order before they snatch their next egg.
And I have a hunch where they might strike next.
You guys know what rhymes with "Thursday"? Nothing.
It's Thursday Birdsday! Tuttle: Birdsday, of course! Oh, we have got a shit-ton of birds loose in the studio, and our beefcake animal handler, Scott, is showing us his avian friends.
And his chest! [Rip!.]
[Cheers and applause.]
This bird is being weird.
Ahh! She might be distressed.
She has a nest of eggs backstage.
Roger! Sir, there's a man in there who's stealing the eggs! It's only birds in this room, kid.
Okay, lovebirds, lovely.
Avocet, beautiful.
Mourning doves, exquisite.
A snake, kinda fat.
Barn owl Hold on! Roger?! All right, you caught me.
But there's always next time, SSSSteven.
That is one sexy snake.
[Animation's "Obsession" plays.]
I will have you Yes, I will have you I will find a way - [Camera shutter clicks.]
- And I will have you Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly I will collect you and capture you You are an obsession You're my obsession Who do you want me to be To make you sleep with me? You are an obsession You're my obsession Who do you want me to be To make you sleep with me? [Chuckles.]
Caught Steve nappin'.
Are the eggs okay? Mervyn, I don't think - [Splat!.]
- any of these - [Splat! Splat!.]
- are eggs.
Man, I'm having the worst day.
And here come the ants.
[Crickets chirping.]
Got a little something on your face, buddy.
And I know for a fact it's not egg.
That's real cute, pal.
[Italian accent.]
Can't ya make peace? For mama? I'm making a big Sunday gravy.
This is how you get along.
You sit, you eat, you're brothers.
I'm gonna crack you.
You're gonna be scrambling.
You can't be everywhere.
The shell I can't That's too many egg things, Steve! Your fighting, it breaks my heart in two! [Cellphone beeping.]
I got to run.
[Italian accent.]
The sauce is beautiful, Mama.
As good as Grandma's.
You can tell her that up in heaven when you get yourself killed doing whatever it is you're doing out in the streets! [Thunk!.]
It's not like that, Mama! [Slurps.]
You're killing your mother.
The Protectors have never been such a thorn in our side, and their timing couldn't be worse.
I've received the news we were waiting for.
Haliaeetus Centurius, the Century Eagle, has returned to its nesting grounds on Skoal Island.
[Normal voice.]
Skull Island?! Like where King Kong comes from? No, Skoal Island.
Like the chewing tobacco.
Is that where the chewing tobacco comes from? No, they're unrelated.
Well, then, tell me more about the egg.
The Century Eagle only lays it once every hundred years.
It's the rarest egg in the world.
I think we should, and hear me out on this, fellas, collect this egg.
But what about the Protectors? And this terrifying boy that's galvanized them? He keeps defeating us! In the field, yes.
But what if we got him in the nest? Huddle up.
Here's the plan Why is no one huddling with me? Is it because I've been chewing on salami like it's gum? All right, I'm coming over there.
Julius La Rosa: Chi si sona? You viulinu E comu si sona, you mandolinu? A pling a pling, you mandulin Tu tu, tu tu, you saxofona [Whistles.]
You friscalette, tipiti, tipiti, tam - [Tink!.]
- [Laughing.]
I am bushed.
Staking out nests for hours, didn't see the Order once.
I'm gonna turn in.
[Italian accent.]
Who's stoppin' you?! Pfft! Then go! Go play crazy eights all night with your no-good knockaround buddies! Get off my back! You wonder why I don't wanna be around?! You're on the phone with Brenda for three hours every time I want to be with you in the bedroom! You're boys, all of you! Little boys! Klaus: Hayley, we're listenin' to Julius La Rosa.
Shut up! [Snores.]
Ahh! What are you doing here?! You were getting in the way, and we can't have you ruining things on Skoal Island, so we're bringing you along as a hostage.
Tie him up! Don't do this! Mom! Help! I'm being taken to Skoal Island! Francine: If ya going out to that Skoal Island, ya gotta eat somethin' first! I'm being kidnapped! If ya gettin' kidnapped, ya gotta eat somethin' first! I'm gonna plate up some spagoot! [Foghorn blows.]
How beautiful is this ship, Steve? It's the Commodore's.
He won it on "The Price is Right.
" You're not gonna get away with this.
I snuck on a walkie-talkie and alerted the other Protectors.
How did you sneak on a walkie-talkie? I did repeated full-cavity searches! It was in my pocket.
[Snaps fingers.]
What a dirty trick.
The Protectors are on their way.
Hadley: Hey, Steve.
Professor Hadley.
Got your SOS.
Not gonna be able to make it, though.
Long story short, Tuttle and I are dating! I never in a million years thought I'd find love again.
You know, there comes a time in every woman's life when she decides she will no longer let herself be defined by her hepatitis.
Tuttle: Hepatitis?! Now let's see what other contraband you've got on you.
- [Snap!.]
- Ow! Commodore? I did it again! There it is.
Oh, my God.
Skoal Island! Commodore! It's Skoal Island, Commodore! - Commodore! - I know! So where's the Century Eagle's nest, anyway? Is it under this rock? There, atop that peak.
The only tree on the island.
Egg! Together: [Chanting.]
Egg! Egg! Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Egg! This is truly a momentous occasion for the Order.
On this remote isle, we procure our final egg, and, at last, complete our collection.
We have all the eggs? Do we have a turkey egg? But first a small act of murder.
You got it, boss! Yahhh! No! The boy! - Oh, my God! Me?! - Wait, what? We can't risk him interfering like he always does.
You guys are weirdos, not murderers! We're about to be both.
Let the de-yolking commence.
[Razor buzzing.]
Aah! Y-You need to charge the battery, it's pulling! Let me talk you through the procedure.
It'll be completely painless until I start.
We'll make a small hole in the base of your skull Come on! Forget Steve! Look at that beautiful egg! How can you wait? So rare! So precious! It could be ours.
It could be mine.
Only I would know the secret song of its shell.
Roger, no! Save me! I'm going to die! Oh, my life.
It's flashing before my eyes.
What the hell is in that sauce? Roger: I got it! Haliaeetus Centurius.
[All gasp.]
Laid once every 100 years.
I'm sorry it's come to this, Steve, but this egg means more to me than anything in the world.
Commodore: No! You fool! All: Egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg.
Egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg.
Egg, egg, egg, egg, egg.
[Wind howling.]
Well, no harm, no foul, Steve.
That egg! [Crack!.]
I need it! Oh, great.
Now Steve's got the egg madness.
Steve, it's only an egg.
It's not worth Although, wow.
You're actually pretty close.
I'll give you some slack, then try grabbing it.
Lunge if you have to! Give it your everything! We need that egg! [Boing!.]
Both: Nooooooooooooo! You asshole! [Triumphant music plays.]
[Eagle screeches.]
The Century Eagle.
We'll put in in the ledger when we get home.
Bird-watchin' buddies Take it slow 'cause they're the bird-watchin' buddies And you know that wherever they go They gon' be watchin' dem birds!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode