American Dad s14e13 Episode Script

1 [Crickets chirping.]
Isn't this great? I said I wanted to get more involved in Steve's school, and look at me now! Sitting front row at a PTA meeting.
And you wore the pink dress.
Excellent choice.
[Clears throat.]
All right.
The big item on our agenda tonight is finding a replacement for our guidance counselor, Sheila.
- So, unless anyone has any other business - Smut! Our children are being corrupted by smut! It's everywhere! Just look at this pervert! Calls herself a librarian! I call her a smut peddler! The name's Clum Bizzelskottom, and I say we burn all the books in the library! Finally, someone said it! But then what will my children read? Glad you asked.
They're gonna read new books my books! I rewrote all of the classics, but took out all the dongs.
Who needs "The Great Gatsby" when they have "The Greatest Gatsby"? Totally smut-free.
Clean as a freshly washed dong.
Other classics I've sanitized "Uncle Tom's Luxurious Ski Chalet," "Little (But Legal) Women," and "Moby Dickless.
" What a presentation! Principal Loomis, write this good man a check! [Squishing.]
Sorry.
I-I wasn't paying attention.
I have something caught in my teeth.
Hmm, but it's not food.
Hmm.
Have you tried using your fingernail? - [Squishing.]
- Ah.
Well, I'll be! It's dollhouse furniture.
Francine, that was great advice.
Hey! You should be our new guidance counselor.
Really? I guess I could.
All in favor of Francine and the new expensive books? [Cheering.]
We did it, Francine! We screwed the school! Yay! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
[School bell rings.]
Ready to guide.
[Munches.]
[Chair rattling.]
Steve: All right, Sheila, I had the dream again.
- [Gulps.]
- The one about Snot.
But this time, my mom was there.
She was super naked and sucking on a garden hose! [Muffled.]
Steve, stop talking! Mom?! Where's Sheila? I guess she left.
Oh, good for her.
You know, I'd walk into this office every day, praying she wouldn't be here.
She must have done it.
She must have run off with that 10th-grader she's in love with.
Well, I'll get going.
Probably shouldn't use my mom as a therapist.
- I'm fine with it.
- Me, too! So, what's in the news? Oh, did I tell you that I've been named head designer for the French Club Fashion Show?! Oh.
I can help with this.
You're worried your classmates are gonna think that's really lame.
Well, there's no shame in dropping out.
Who cares what people think? Fashion design is in my soul.
If you don't express what's in your soul, you might as well be dead.
Okay.
But have you considered your soul expressing something cool instead? Something cooler than knowing the difference between narrow striped silk and warp-woven satin? What Ha Is there such a thing? - Yes.
- No.
[Pops lips.]
You're right to be worried about Steve.
If he does that fashion show, the Golden Girls are gonna tear him apart.
The Golden Girls? The coolest and the cruelest kids this school has ever seen.
Dorothy, Blanche, and the queen bee, Sophia.
They're bad-ass Just look at their signature haircuts.
I'm sorry, are you a janitor who's taking pictures of the students? It's a persona.
These girls don't just break the rules, they make the rules.
They wear men's boxer briefs as shorts over one-piece bathing suits.
They roll their own tampons.
And they all have matching gold bowling jackets, even though they don't bowl or get cold.
Oh, my God.
It's the archery team all over again! They ran my high school.
Preyed on anyone who dared to be a little different.
My mom packed me a new dessert.
It's called tir-a-ma-su? I'm excited but a little nervous to try it.
Archery Girl: Get your ethnic shit out of here! We eat cake! Hey, nice shot.
You guys want to hang out sometime? Beat it, four-eyes.
I'm with the cools now.
God, they were the best.
The only way to survive people like that is to keep your head down.
And since Steve won't, he's gonna need my help.
I'll talk to these Golden Girls.
Tell them to chill out.
Go nuts, bitch.
[Birds chirping.]
[Alarm blares.]
[Exhales.]
Whoa! Babe, I held it in all night! Hayley: That's awesome, babe.
Babe, is today free day at the zoo? You know it, babe.
Tuesday's Zoos-day.
Yes! I love going to the zoo.
The drinking fountains are so cold there.
[Gasps.]
Do you think it's water from the polar bear thing? [Whistles.]
Babe? Where's my hat? I don't know.
And I don't know.
Huh.
No hat.
No hat.
I can feel the wind blowing across my brain! How do you live like this?! I have a headband.
[School bell rings.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
[Screams.]
Francine, I forgot to tell you the coolest thing about the Golden Girls.
Their parents buy them lighters! Hey, gals, what's the haps? I'm the new "G" to the "C" that's guidance counselor.
I love your beard.
I hope I can grow sick facial hair like that when I'm a crusty, old Debbie like you.
- [Laughter.]
- Oh, my God! S'up, Debbie.
Bye, Debbie.
[Laughter.]
Their word arrows hurt worse than the archery team's real arrows.
[Screaming.]
Doing a great job, Francine.
[Birds chirping.]
This doesn't make any sense.
Where's my hat? I'm gonna go look downstairs.
Why would it be downstairs? I don't know! I'm just trying to help! Then how about finding my [bleep.]
hat! [Crow cawing.]
Do you think it's my fault that my parents are getting divorced? The Golden Girls are so cool.
I think they hate me.
What do you think? I'm thinking about running away.
Sure, that'll solve all your problems.
But I can't run away.
I work here, sort of.
But there is one thing I can do.
Roger, would you mind taking over? Okay, run away dos and don'ts.
Do pair up with an older gentleman.
Don't be afraid to be choosy.
Remember, you're the catch.
What up, sluts? Let me guess You're gonna bust us for ditching? Nah, betch.
I'm ditching, too.
Your hair.
Oh, this? This is just my regular haircut.
Oh, don't worry.
I don't think you guys copied me or anything.
'Scuse me a sec.
[Lighter clicks.]
Hmm.
Maybe you aren't such a crusty, old Debbie after all.
[Mouthing "Oh, my God".]
Billy: Excuse me.
JV?! But I'm a senior! [Bone crunches.]
[Thud.]
I covered your 10:00 with Sheldon.
I'm concerned.
He has a lot of demons.
And for some reason, he carries a bag of forks around.
I like that.
What's with this? Oh, this? It's, uh, just something I did.
And how does this help Steve? Steve from home? Oh! Yeah.
That's why I did this.
Because the Golden Girls are the main threat, so I have to get in good with them to help Steve from home! Ta-da! Okay.
[Click, whirring.]
[Click.]
Sure.
[Click, whirring.]
Look what I found! There you are! Never do that to me again.
[Sniffing.]
What did you do? What do you mean? I found your hat.
[Chuckling.]
This isn't my hat.
It's a fake.
How could you? How dare you?! Jeff, I am so sorry.
I was just trying to make you happy.
And I thought if I bought you a new hat, we could visit the zoo, like we planned.
"Visit the zoo"?! We belong in the zoo! The only thing that separates us from the animals is our hats! [Sobbing.]
[School bell rings.]
Why is Wonder Woman's underwear on that huge pole outside? - That's the flag.
- Gross.
Yeah, thanks for letting us skip history, Francine.
History is so stupid.
If that stuff is so great, how come we're not still doing it? I do like the name Benedict Arnold, though.
That would be a boss name for, like, a massive bulldog.
On a scale of one to French, how do I look today? Oh, pardonnez-moi.
I didn't realize you were guiding the young mademoiselles.
Francine, do you know that dweeb? H-He's my friend Stan's kid.
Like, 10 years ago, he drew a picture of me, and it was, like, a circle on top of a triangle.
It's like, "Uh thanks?" [Laughter.]
Okay, you're kind of my favorite person right now.
Guys [Whispering indistinctly, laughing.]
So, we never do this, but do you want to come hang out at Blanche's dad's lake house this weekend? My boyfriend drowned there last summer, so the cops let us drive around doing whip-its.
That sounds like a blast! Okay, don't pee yourself over it.
I only pee when I dump.
[Crickets chirping.]
You're going to Blanche's dad's lake house? It that like a field trip? I don't think you're allowed to go out of town with the students.
What are you, the rule book? It just seems like you're always with them.
Uh, yeah.
We go to the same school.
But I go to that school, and you won't even wave back to me in the hall.
I'm getting in good with them for you.
[Gasps.]
Oh, mon dieu! You're getting them to come to my fashion show! Wha? They'd never go to that without your mother going to the lake house and talking them into it! Thank you, Mom! Okay, don't pee yourself over it.
Is there something a little different about Francine? She seems cooler somehow.
Wake up, bro.
Francine is, like, the coolest girl in school.
She will be mine.
All I have to do is figure out where Steve goes to school.
[Crickets chirping.]
Sophia: The moon looks so stupid up close.
Get away from me.
Sometimes I wish the moon drowned in that lake instead of Austin.
Hey, Francine, why aren't you making fun of the moon? Sorry, guys.
I guess I'm just thinking about something.
Oh, no.
Why? I promised one of the students I'd go to his stupid fashion show.
Oh! You know what would be hilarious? Like, if we all had sex with that cop who looks like my step-dad? Uh I was thinking more like we go to the fashion show and clap, but our secret joke never to be revealed would be that we thought it was stupid.
Like the moon.
- Oh, yeah, totally.
- Dumb moon.
The moon is such a Debbie.
There she is.
She is so cool! Francine, hi! It's me Stan! I was at your wedding! She's looking.
Pretend I said something funny.
We're the guys who are always laughing.
[Forced laughter.]
[French techno music playing.]
L'amour Le coeur Se jous Bonjour Monsieur Glamour Bonheur Danseur Voyeur Meilleur Isn't this hilarious? It will be when you dump clam chowder on his head.
[Music continues.]
[Scattered applause.]
Pull the rope.
It'll be hilarious.
Um [Scattered applause.]
Why is she not doing what you say? I guess she doesn't want this.
I'd get to be a Golden Girl? [Splash.]
[Laughter.]
Cream-covered boy? Cream-covered boy.
Wait a minute.
This has to be a trap.
But, then again, it's better to know.
[School bell rings.]
You look great, Francine.
You look like you got hit by a bag of dicks, Dorothy.
[Laughter.]
Oh, hi, Francine.
Aw, man! They put my name backwards.
- Steve killed himself! - What?! Is the type of thing you might hear, considering what you did to him yesterday.
What were you thinking? Oh, my God, Roger, I'm a monster! What am I gonna do? I don't effing know! This is a disaster.
[Grunting.]
[Groaning.]
I think I have to apologize to Steve.
Oh.
Yeah, that'll work.
[Birds chirping.]
Hey, Steve? Are you okay, hon? Oh, hey, Mom.
Yeah, I'm good.
I was just smelling my pillow super hard.
Have you ever wondered what dreams smell like? [Inhales deeply.]
I think they smell like this.
What's up? I wanted to talk to you about what happened at the French Club Fashion Show.
Oh, what a disaster.
Barry ate the baguette instead of walking with it, and, of course, all my friends are just ugly, so that hurt the fashion in the end, unfortunately.
No, Steve, the chowder.
That was me.
I'm so, so sorry.
Oh, I knew that.
You're not mad? Nah.
I wasn't even covered in chowder for that long.
Roger and who I assume are the other janitors licked it clean off me.
Small price to pay for getting to express what's in my soul.
Wow.
You really don't care what people think.
Can you teach me? I can teach you what Sheila taught me.
She had a pretty good reputation as a guidance counselor until she sent pictures of her butthole to that sophomore.
Hmm.
Maybe you could do that for me.
The guidance part.
[Sobbing.]
[Knock on door.]
Go away! Don't shut me out, Jeff! I'm so sorry you lost your hat.
But we'll get through this together! I love you, babe.
[Both sobbing.]
[School bell rings.]
Okay, Francine, let's talk about why you're such a Debbie.
I'm not a Debbie! It's important to be honest in here.
Okay, maybe I'm a Debbie.
But when I was in high school, they called it being a Herb.
Who called you a Herb bitches? Yes! The archery team.
I never expressed myself because I was always afraid they might think I was lame.
I see.
Well, what would you have done if there were no archery team? - Break dance.
- [Laughs.]
Oh, you're serious.
Hmm.
Oh, my God! You're judging me.
And that shouldn't matter because? Because break dancing is in my soul.
That's right! Hmm, I'm pretty good at this therapy thing.
Hey, Mertz, tell me your problem.
My foster father adopted me for the money, and now he beats me with a wrench.
Out of my depth immediately! [Indistinct conversations.]
[Light switch flicking.]
If I wanna take a guy Home with me tonight It's none of your business And if she wanna be a freak and sell it on the weekend It's none of your business Now you shouldn't even get into Who I'm givin' skins to It's none of your business So don't try to change my mind I'll tell you one more time It's none of your business Now [Grunts.]
[Laughter.]
Are Are you all right? Did Did they love it? It was terrible.
But that's not the important part.
Thank you.
You're right.
You guys, I'm starting to think that she's friends with that dweeb.
Well, for your information, this isn't my dweeb friend.
He's my dweeb son.
And he doesn't care what other people think.
But I do.
Uh-oh.
And next time you mess with a Debbie, make sure it's not a grown-ass Debbie with access to your confidential psychological assessments.
Mom, you don't have to do this.
You can walk away knowing you showed everyone your true self.
Yeah, but I didn't show my true self.
I'm not a dancer.
I'm a bad bitch who lays waste to her enemies.
Blanche, you transferred from your last school because the kids found out that you carried around a piece of your own shit in your backpack! All: Ew! Sophia, you were taken away from your parents because they are brother and sister.
[All gasp.]
And Dorothy Let me guess You figured out Austin's death wasn't an accident.
No.
Your file just says you grind your teeth.
Did you murder someone? She grinds her teeth! The Golden Girls are a bunch of losers! Their reign of terror is over! The age of Mertz begins now! [Cheering.]
Stan: Francine! Francine! Will you go to the prom with me? Stan, we're already married.
That's not a yes, but that's not a no.
Now start laughing.
[Forced laughter.]
Are you sure this is a thing that works? I'm scared.
I understand.
But our new life begins today.
Welcome to Lids.
I'm Parker.
What can I help you find today?