American Dad s14e14 Episode Script

One-Woman Swole

1 Stan, a new gym opened up on Oak Road.
They're offering a free one-week trial! They have a pool, all-new equipment, and a "designated area for old men to blow-dry their balls.
" You had me at old men's balls.
That was the last thing I said.
And the best! I can't wait to commit to a new healthy lifestyle.
What? You never commit to anything.
You're a dabbler, Mom.
Yeah, I'm a dabbler.
And now I'm thinking about dabbling in committing.
You know, when a gym's trying to get you to sign up, they'll do anything to keep you happy.
But once you join, you're just some guy paying 60 bucks a month to have a place to stop and take dumps on the way home from work.
So that's why you never go at home.
I was beginning to think you were a "Westworld.
" [Laughing.]
[Fly buzzes.]
Good morning, U.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
Aah! Good morning, U.
I love gym towels.
Each one is the perfect size to dry one limb.
I'm gonna make a ton of towel swans.
Sir! You have to pay for those Muscle Milks! Doin' the free trial, my man! Hey That's enough of that! Where do they go? Narrator: Before the invention of the high-five, man searched in vain for a satisfying way to celebrate victory.
Everything changed in 1977, with the first-ever recorded high-five.
Oh, the high-five.
Not to toot my own horn but I invented that.
invented by Glenn Burke and Dusty Baker.
What?! Glenn and I were at Dodger Stadium and we stumbled upon this perfect hand thing that changed the world.
Lies! I invented the high-five after passing my drug test at the 1974 Junior Olympics! Not according to this IFC documentary.
IFC?! IFC are liars! Don't call yourself the Independent Film Channel and then air "A Very Brady Sequel"! Hang on, Klaus.
What are you angry about? IFC or the high-five thing? Ohhh, the high-five! I invented that! Not according to IFC.
Ohhh, don't get me started on IFC! So, what are you gonna do today? Probably cool down at the pool, release some towel swans, wonder where they go.
If you want results, you got to stick to your routine.
Whoops! Your free trial is over.
Let's just sign you up for paid membership, get you in there.
Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.
Let me just get my credit card out of my pocket You were right to add HBO Latino, Jeff.
"Schindler's List" is much less sad when it's in Spanish.
Señor Schindler: Uno mas! Uno mas muchacho! [Door slams.]
Just because I don't want to go to the gym doesn't mean you can't.
But I was really liking going together.
Guess I can't go at all.
Uch, so unfair! Wait a second, are you using me as an excuse to stop going to the gym? - That's ridiculous.
- Is it, Mom? It kind of sounds like ceramics class all over again.
I only quit that class because your dad couldn't get hard if my hands smelled like clay! - O kay.
- How about when you were gonna learn Spanish, but then you quit because your kids only speak English and you wanted to be able to understand them? I wanted to communicate with my kids.
Take me away, officer! Yeah, I was pretty bummed when you quit writing your one-woman show, Mrs.
I told you, I haven't lived the ending yet.
That just seems like another excuse.
You know, Mom, it sounds like Dad has a good point.
It is a good point.
Steve said it, too! Hear that, hon? I made a good point about you being a quitter! Me! Stan Smith! Good point guy! Come on, kids! I say "good," you say "point"! Good! - Point! - Good! - Point! - Good! - Point! - Point! - What? - Good! - Point! - Oh! Point! Good point.
[Crowd cheering.]
Announcer: Fans, please welcome the beloved inventor of the high-five, toothpick enthusiast Dusty Baker! Wow! I am so blessed to see how the world's embraced my little iconic gesture Klaus: Liar! Liar! I invented the high-five! Whoops, sounds like someone had a little too much to drink.
Please! How can anyone get drunk paying $14 a beer? It's half my disability check just to catch a buzz! I'm sorry, are you mad about the price of beer or the origin of the high-five? Ohhh, the high-five! I invented that! [Crowd booing.]
It's okay, folks! The high-five is such a natural expression of joy that people want to claim ownership, but truly it belongs to all of us.
[Cheers and applause.]
Listen, you seem like a good guy.
Why don't I have you over for a drink, sort this all out? Buddy, I don't drink, I get wasted! Yeah-ha! I'ma piss on your futon! Sigma Chi! Stan: Jacket material? Satin's always in style.
Lining? Satin's always popular.
Font? Obviously "Laverne & Shirley" shadow bold.
And order.
Three weeks?! Well, I'll just stay busy.
- Dad? - Can't you see I'm busy?! - - Every time! [Whistling.]
I don't see any need to bring insurance companies into this.
Francine! What's wrong with you? Did my good point crush your spirit? You're making me feel terrible about my new jacket.
Check it out, oh, yeah! "Good point gay"? What?! Are you kidding me?! Really?! What time is it? I got to get back to the gym.
But you quit the gym.
I wrote a whole jacket about it.
Ooaaaah! [Strauss's "Also Sprach Zarathustra" plays.]
B-b-b-oner from body! Body give boner! Beautiful body give baby boner! Oh, mommy! Ooaaaah! - Stan - Ooaaaah! Okay.
Well, as much as it hurt, you did have a good point.
I tend to quit things, and I want to change that.
So I decided to stick with the gym.
And my trainer, Jackie, has been helping me push past my limits.
Are you even listening to me? Yeah, yeah, you said, "Lackie, bleen be mush mast your glinglets.
" Now let's screw! That was so powerful, Francine.
So special.
I trust it put an end to those nasty rumors my jacket's been spreading.
What are you doing? I'm heading back to the gym.
No, but stay here, though.
Stan, I have to go.
It's a leg day.
I called the gym and they said it's a bed day.
Human blanket! Don't go.
You can bwame bwanket.
Stan, I promised myself.
I can't miss my workouts.
That was a hot slam, Francine! Hey, Steve, what's up? Your mom just gave me a hot slam.
Did you feel the house move? I'm just trying to walk down the hall.
Everything's gold.
That classy sonuvabitch.
[Harp music playing.]
Klaus! The fish from the game! Thank you so much for coming to my home.
Now, listen here, Dusty Toothpick for your lamb? Everything tastes better with just a hint of tree.
Who cares?! I want to talk about the high-five.
I invented it.
Not you.
Are we clear? I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.
It's like Tina Turner said to me Stop! You know Tina Turner? She's a dear, dear friend.
Tell me right now did you smush her? Klaus, a gentleman never tells.
But I will say, if I "high-fived" her in an elevator, it was Simply the best Who is this? What is that? [Whoosh!.]
Where was that there?! Francine! Roger, who the hell parked their van in the driveway? Oh, that's Jackie.
Francine's gym friend.
Oh, there's another muscle lady in the house? Yes, there is.
And she's a man! Well, sort of.
In pursuit of the perfect bikini front, I trained my penis to permanently recede into my body.
- How far? - Out the back.
It looks like he has a tail.
Show him, Jackie.
Francine! Francine, we need to talk.
Sure, but could you hop on my back? I need more resistance.
Okay, Francine, I get it, good job.
I don't think you're a quitter anymore.
Now that you've proven me wrong, can you quit? I'm not trying to prove anything to you.
This is for me.
But it's affecting everyone.
The house is a mess, every meal is some gross shake, and the last three family movie nights have been P90X workout videos.
I'm so distracted I didn't even ask Roger why he's dressed like a park ranger.
And you just know it's something cool! Well, I'm not quitting.
Jackie and I just entered the Langley Falls Bodybuilding Competition.
So what, you're just gonna keep doing this forever? Yes! Yes! Of course I can get Francine to quit.
Let's not forget she's a quitter at heart.
She didn't even get around to stuffing her Build-A-Bear.
And remember her one-woman show? I just want things the way they were.
All she needs is a little setback.
Like say if you and I were to beat them in the bodybuilding competition.
How are we gonna do that? She's been training for weeks.
It won't be easy.
Transforming your body will take dedication.
No time for family, or friends.
I am talking total sacrifice.
- I'm talkin' no sweets, Stan.
- I'm in.
- Did you hear the part about no sweets? - Yes.
That means no cookies, you little cookie monster.
- Roger! - Sorry, I had to test your dedication.
Now I have to test how much steroids you can take in your neck.
Dusty, I got to say, these have been some of the best days of my life.
I can't believe I was mad at you about the high-five.
'Cause now you're like my best friend.
My man! Can I get a high-five? Dusty, ow! What are you doing? [Whispers.]
I stole it from you.
I was at the Junior Olympics when you invented the high-five.
It was so beautiful.
I had to make it mine.
What? You know how hard it is to be a famously nice guy when I'm constantly reminded that my greatest accomplishment is a lie?! Without the high-five, I'm just a highly respected athlete who transitioned perfectly into a vibrant and fulfilling second act as a leader of men.
That still sounds pretty good.
To you! The great genius! Don't you see I hurt?! So I decided to hurt you.
First by showing you everything that should've been yours, and now by taking away everything you've got! But you already have the only great thing I ever did! What more can you take?! Well, I could start with [German accent.]
your accent.
Now I am German sounding! [Gasps.]
And then I take your whole fish idea.
Who is the fish now? Finally, I steal from you the ability to breathe underwater! [Gulping.]
Well, I think we both saw that coming.
Give it up for Jan and Jim López! Who's who? Hard to tell, but fun to guess! Arms up, pull it down! Attagirl, Francine! You're so big! Roger: You think she's big? Excuse me, I'm trying to If I could just get past.
Thank you Johnny? Sorry I thought you were someone else.
'Scuse me.
Stan, that was definitely Johnny.
We had sex.
Pardon me! Sorry, where was I? Oh, yeah.
You think she's big?! Ta da! Boom.
Rat braid.
Ready to quit? I cannot believe you would do this just to get me to quit! Well, it's only gonna make me try harder! You just woke the dragon.
Eeeeh! I'm sorry, I don't know what a dragon is.
Please welcome Stan Smith and Tammy Twopiece! Dirty South, uh-huh Can y'all really feel me East Coast, feel me West Coast, feel me Boy, I've been watching you like the hawk in the sky That flies and you were my prey Boy, I promise you if we keep bumpin' heads I know that one of these days We gon' hook it up while we talk on the phone But see, I don't know if that's good I've been holdin' back this secret from you I probably shouldn't tell it, but If I, if I let you know You can't tell nobody, I'm talkin' 'bout nobody [Cheers and applause.]
That, ladies and gentlemen, is what Langley Bodybuilding is all about! You'll never beat that.
We can do this! - No limits! - No limits! [Classical music playing.]
We're losing them! Let's spell it out for them.
[Cheers and applause.]
You can't hold that pose forever! Oh, yes, I can! I'll never quit! [Groaning.]
A new vein gross! And the judges love it! I'm absolutely losing my mind here! [Groaning.]
Are we about to see the world's first brain flex?! [Pop!.]
[Audience gasps.]
Francine's extreme exertion during the competition caused her to have an aneurysm.
She's in a coma.
This is totally my fault.
If only I hadn't strong-armed my way into that bodybuilding competition.
Sir, please stop posing.
I can't.
This is shaking me to the core! Stan, snap out of it! Don't you understand, Franny's in trouble! Yah! [Monitor beeping.]
Roger, snap out of it! These machines are keeping her alive! Is she gonna live? Well, that depends.
Is she a fighter? Hell yeah, she is! Or a quitter? Ewewewoh A q-q-quitter, that's, uh, an interesting word to choose, given, uh, it's been a-a recent, uh, bone of contention, uh, between me and my wife.
Are you guys on drugs? - Very much.
- Yes.
An incredible amount.
She's unresponsive.
But it doesn't mean she's not in there.
It all began when I was 15.
I begged my mom for a drum kit and she got it for me.
I was going to be the world's best female drummer.
Big drum, big drum, middle one, little one, foot drum, metal thing, metal thing, no mistakes! That was my dream.
But instead of practicing, I got real high.
But this isn't about drugs.
This is about me quitting.
And I quit everything.
Two years later, I wanted to become a chef.
Chop, chop, sizzle, sizzle! [Sighs.]
Working at Applebee's is not as glamorous as it's chopped up to be.
I quit! Yo soy.
Yo soy.
Tu eres.
Too much! How do you say "quit" in Spanish? I don't know.
Are you getting it yet? So when I started bodybuilding, I made a promise I wouldn't quit.
But guess what? My body quit on me.
Isn't that the most Francine thing you ever heard? [Growls.]
Bingah! [Babbles.]
"Pac-Man" game over sound.
Now, that my body's given up, maybe it's time for my spirit to quit, too.
Stan: This is bullshit! Who's heckling me?! I'm trying to end this! It's not over! Stan? I'm sorry I made you feel bad about quitting.
Quitting's not so bad.
It means you have a curious mind.
And you want to taste everything life has to offer.
Plus, you never quit me.
Even though you probably should have.
I do stupid stuff.
You do do stupid stuff.
Shut the [bleep.]
up! Oh, Francine, I can't lose you.
I need you! Stan I got to end my show.
Don't do it.
Don't go! If you all think this show's coming to some exciting conclusion, you haven't been paying attention.
It ends like everything ends.
With me quitting.
Being in a coma! Geez! A little warning next time, Francine! - She's awake! - Mommy! I'm sorry, it's time to pull the plug and end this morbid charade.
Your wife is never going to Oh, she woke up! I did it again.
I saved a life.
Yes! But some sad news.
Earlier today, Dusty Baker drowned in a giant fish bowl of his own creation.
Together: No! Bye-bye! See you soon!
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